Are older bi/lesbian women into younger women?
October 5, 2022 4:37 PM Subscribe
Hi. I’m in my early thirties and I’m in a hetero relationship but yearning to explore non-monogamy and find a girlfriend specifically for me only outside of my heterosexual relationship with my boyfriend. Yet, would it be difficult to find an older woman that is open to poly/non-monogamy?
I have always been ineffably attracted to older women in their forties and sometimes fifties. Perhaps it’s a little different but I truly am attracted to older women but I’m not sure if an older woman would want to date a younger woman or even a poly woman? Is it easier to date bi/lesbian women monogamously only? I’m feeling kind of hopeless and lost here to be honest. I really want an older girlfriend so dearly. I dream about having an older woman to date and be with all the time. I feel so emotionally neglected not having an older girlfriend.
I have always been ineffably attracted to older women in their forties and sometimes fifties. Perhaps it’s a little different but I truly am attracted to older women but I’m not sure if an older woman would want to date a younger woman or even a poly woman? Is it easier to date bi/lesbian women monogamously only? I’m feeling kind of hopeless and lost here to be honest. I really want an older girlfriend so dearly. I dream about having an older woman to date and be with all the time. I feel so emotionally neglected not having an older girlfriend.
I'm an early 30's bi man who's been doing ethical nonmonogamy for a while. There are definitely older women who would be happy to be in a relationship with a younger woman. If you're honest about your experience and what your expectations are for a relationship, then you should be fine. The folks I know, mostly closer to my age, sometimes don't date people new to non-monogamous relationships because they aren't interested in navigating some of the murkier issues that can happen as a relationship opens up. But, there are also people who would be happy to show you the ropes.
I guess all I can do is second the advice above. Be clear and communicate openly and good luck.
posted by crossswords at 5:21 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I guess all I can do is second the advice above. Be clear and communicate openly and good luck.
posted by crossswords at 5:21 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
of course. you will probably get a lot further if you don't lean so hard on the older-woman angle when speaking to women who are older than you, and the "emotionally neglected" bit may be alarming to anyone who interprets it as wanting some kind of age-based caretaking or emotional responsibility distribution. but those are practical questions of approach, tact, and tactics. are people in their forties attracted to people in their thirties? all the time, in every possible gender pairing, for sure. at least as much as the other way around.
but really, even if you are in this for the age difference above all, it is in your interest to remember that a huge number of people in their forties+ who date younger aren't interested in "younger women" - they're interested in 30 year old women, same as they were when they were 30 themselves. because a lot of people stay the same emotionally, inside, from 30 to 45, even as they go on getting sexier and more mysterious on the outside. and people like that are the ones most willing to date younger. and because of this, they do not get the same kind of satisfaction you do out of contemplating how much younger you are versus how old they are. for them, the thrill of dating a 30 yr old is just as likely to be the opportunity to forget how old they are.
again, this is a warning about tact, not ethics. you can get what you want, no question. but be careful.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:28 PM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
but really, even if you are in this for the age difference above all, it is in your interest to remember that a huge number of people in their forties+ who date younger aren't interested in "younger women" - they're interested in 30 year old women, same as they were when they were 30 themselves. because a lot of people stay the same emotionally, inside, from 30 to 45, even as they go on getting sexier and more mysterious on the outside. and people like that are the ones most willing to date younger. and because of this, they do not get the same kind of satisfaction you do out of contemplating how much younger you are versus how old they are. for them, the thrill of dating a 30 yr old is just as likely to be the opportunity to forget how old they are.
again, this is a warning about tact, not ethics. you can get what you want, no question. but be careful.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:28 PM on October 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
Yes, there are plenty of queer women twenty years older than you who will be attracted to you and delighted to date you. Polyamory needs will cut that number down some, but it's still a reasonable number.
I agree that how you talk about this is going to matter. I was nodding along thinking "oh, this is going to be relatively easy!" and then hit that last sentence like nails on a chalkboard. I don't think you mean it this way, but I read it and think "oh, this person would want me to make up for the emotional shortcomings of the man in her life" and that's a dynamic that's a lot less attractive to many queer women in their forties who, frankly, are tired of making up for the emotional shortcomings of many of the straight men in our own lives, and aren't looking to take that work on for someone else. But hell, if that really is exactly what you mean and need, I still think you'll find someone out there who's specifically into that kind of caretaking age-gap role. You're just going to have to look a bit longer, and be really clear.
posted by Stacey at 6:38 PM on October 5, 2022 [21 favorites]
I agree that how you talk about this is going to matter. I was nodding along thinking "oh, this is going to be relatively easy!" and then hit that last sentence like nails on a chalkboard. I don't think you mean it this way, but I read it and think "oh, this person would want me to make up for the emotional shortcomings of the man in her life" and that's a dynamic that's a lot less attractive to many queer women in their forties who, frankly, are tired of making up for the emotional shortcomings of many of the straight men in our own lives, and aren't looking to take that work on for someone else. But hell, if that really is exactly what you mean and need, I still think you'll find someone out there who's specifically into that kind of caretaking age-gap role. You're just going to have to look a bit longer, and be really clear.
posted by Stacey at 6:38 PM on October 5, 2022 [21 favorites]
Yes it’s definitely possible!! In addition to the apps that can be disappointing/difficult/toxic, go to queer events in your town or nearby city. Dyke Nights have had a resurge and would be a great chance to have fun and meet people looking to date and/or hookup. I’d start by creating a group of queer friends who can be supportive and/or social buddies, then work on dating. I agree with everyone to be honest and upfront — some will be interested, some won’t but I think you’ll ultimately have many options. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 7:00 PM on October 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
My additional unsolicited advice is to remember that you may find the relationship with your boyfriend gets strengthened or completely falls apart. You may fall head over heels for an older only to be heartbroken when rejected and/or vice versa. This is no reason not to do it — yes, have fun!! — but as a fellow queer 30something with polyamorous leanings, it can be as painful as it is thrilling and is important to remember that!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:04 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 7:04 PM on October 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think the age angle is much less of a challenge here than the fact that you are already in a het relationship; many of my bi/lesbian friends complain about how much of the dating pool on apps consists of het-partnered women who want a girlfriend on the side. Of course, there are plenty of polyamorous people of all ages and orientations and preferences out there, but you may get better luck in spaces targeting the poly community rather than queer women.
posted by vanitas at 7:05 PM on October 5, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by vanitas at 7:05 PM on October 5, 2022 [15 favorites]
People like to be dated as people more than as a stand in for a fantasy.
As others have said more eloquently, it feels a bit like your focus here is trying an experience on for size and/or to paper over some emotional element missing from your current relationship.
While it’s true that every relationship has its own character and dynamic and fulfills the people in it differently, the adage “adding more people to a relationship doesn’t fix the relationship” doesn’t come from nowhere.
In short. Yes there are some women who will be interested. Tread carefully.
posted by bilabial at 6:33 AM on October 6, 2022 [8 favorites]
As others have said more eloquently, it feels a bit like your focus here is trying an experience on for size and/or to paper over some emotional element missing from your current relationship.
While it’s true that every relationship has its own character and dynamic and fulfills the people in it differently, the adage “adding more people to a relationship doesn’t fix the relationship” doesn’t come from nowhere.
In short. Yes there are some women who will be interested. Tread carefully.
posted by bilabial at 6:33 AM on October 6, 2022 [8 favorites]
A few questions to consider on your own, discuss with your boyfriend, and figure out how to discuss with people you're interested in dating, because strong emotional maturity and good communication skills can make it easier to find what you want and keep it:
Do you want to build or continue a highly-involved type of relationship with your boyfriend, and you want your new relationship with a woman to be warm and loving but relatively flexible? Like maybe she has a boyfriend or other partners, travels a lot, or prefers a fair bit of independence?
Are you looking for a highly-involved type of relationship with a woman, and your boyfriend is happy with the idea of having a flexible relationship with you, where he has his own independence and the option to date other people?
Do you like the idea of living by yourself (or with housemates or other people who aren't your romantic partners) and spending some of your time with your boyfriend, and some of your time with your girlfriend?
Do you want to leave your boyfriend, look for a woman who wants to date you, and figure out where to go from there?
Those are just examples - there are lots of paths!
posted by dreamyshade at 12:18 PM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Do you want to build or continue a highly-involved type of relationship with your boyfriend, and you want your new relationship with a woman to be warm and loving but relatively flexible? Like maybe she has a boyfriend or other partners, travels a lot, or prefers a fair bit of independence?
Are you looking for a highly-involved type of relationship with a woman, and your boyfriend is happy with the idea of having a flexible relationship with you, where he has his own independence and the option to date other people?
Do you like the idea of living by yourself (or with housemates or other people who aren't your romantic partners) and spending some of your time with your boyfriend, and some of your time with your girlfriend?
Do you want to leave your boyfriend, look for a woman who wants to date you, and figure out where to go from there?
Those are just examples - there are lots of paths!
posted by dreamyshade at 12:18 PM on October 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
I live in a small city and queer women tend to date a relatively broad age/ geographic range because there aren't a ton of us here.
That said, I am bi and poly and do not date:
1) Women who don't have experience with women, because I ended up with a number of hookups with bi-curious women who weren't good in bed.
2) People new to poly, because there's often a ton of drama associated with that.
3) People in hierarchical relationships which include, for example, veto power: if you prioritize your boyfriend over me such that you'd break up with me if he asks you to, I find that disrespectful to me. I'm not okay with third parties having any say in my relationships.
4) People who have a fantasy role they want me to fill in their life, instead of leaving space for who I am as a person.
There can be some Catch-22s in there, which may make it easier for you to date other women new to poly and to dating women. There are good odds it won't go well because new paradigms are hard, but the experience will help you better figure out what works for you going forward and lower some of the red flags potential partners might perceive in you.
posted by metasarah at 7:50 AM on October 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
That said, I am bi and poly and do not date:
1) Women who don't have experience with women, because I ended up with a number of hookups with bi-curious women who weren't good in bed.
2) People new to poly, because there's often a ton of drama associated with that.
3) People in hierarchical relationships which include, for example, veto power: if you prioritize your boyfriend over me such that you'd break up with me if he asks you to, I find that disrespectful to me. I'm not okay with third parties having any say in my relationships.
4) People who have a fantasy role they want me to fill in their life, instead of leaving space for who I am as a person.
There can be some Catch-22s in there, which may make it easier for you to date other women new to poly and to dating women. There are good odds it won't go well because new paradigms are hard, but the experience will help you better figure out what works for you going forward and lower some of the red flags potential partners might perceive in you.
posted by metasarah at 7:50 AM on October 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
Longer answer: That said, there’s a certain amount of difficulty associated with dating someone who’s just starting to explore their queer and/or poly side. Understandably, many bi/lesbian poly women prefer to date someone who is experienced with poly and experienced with dating women, because there’s a lot less potential angst involved. Your best bet is to be transparent about the fact that you’re new to this, which will filter for women who are okay with that.
(I’m a late-20s bi woman who has friends in the demographic you’re referring to.)
posted by mekily at 4:55 PM on October 5, 2022 [5 favorites]