How to navigate a friendship minefield?
August 25, 2022 10:06 AM Subscribe
I have a friend I really like, someone whom I care about, but who is also terrible at her job. I've worked with her three times over the past several years and vowed never to do it again. Well, now that I've bypassed her, she's going to find out I worked with someone else, and she's going to be hurt. How do I manage this without upsetting her too much?
Background: Friend is a new real estate agent (ca. 2016). She has acted as my buyer's agent in a very small community where there are just a handful of real estate agents.
The first time around, she was a bit of a scold about my low offer for a house, and I practically had to insist that she submit the offer she considered too low. The deal didn't go through, although four years on, the seller took the exact amount I offered.
The second time around, I was interested in inexpensive fixer-uppers, and she kept telling me that they weren't what I wanted, and insisted on trying to show me properties that were twice or three times what I was after.
The third time was the worst. Same inexpensive price range, and she seemed like she was frustrated with my not having found the ideal property so far. I saw four properties with her, about all of which she said, "Just buy it and deal with the issues later." I came close with one property, but that deal fell apart when she miscommunicated a request to the seller's agent and made it sound like I was asking for a contractor to be allowed into the house unsupervised. That made me look like a crazy person, and I decided I couldn't continue with her, so I let our contract lapse.
This friend is also disorganized and doesn't follow up in a timely way.
Fast forward to now. I just had an offer accepted on a house that's a great fit. I did not work with my friend. She will find out, and she's going to be hurt that I didn't work with her.
In thinking about this, I've been considering ways to approach the situation with her. I think working with her has strained our friendship, so I can go down that road. But apart from that, I'm drawing a blank.
I don't want to hurt her any more than she'll already be hurt. I anticipate she will be angry for a while, but I also want to stand the best chance of salvaging our friendship. What's the kindest, most sensitive way to do this?
Background: Friend is a new real estate agent (ca. 2016). She has acted as my buyer's agent in a very small community where there are just a handful of real estate agents.
The first time around, she was a bit of a scold about my low offer for a house, and I practically had to insist that she submit the offer she considered too low. The deal didn't go through, although four years on, the seller took the exact amount I offered.
The second time around, I was interested in inexpensive fixer-uppers, and she kept telling me that they weren't what I wanted, and insisted on trying to show me properties that were twice or three times what I was after.
The third time was the worst. Same inexpensive price range, and she seemed like she was frustrated with my not having found the ideal property so far. I saw four properties with her, about all of which she said, "Just buy it and deal with the issues later." I came close with one property, but that deal fell apart when she miscommunicated a request to the seller's agent and made it sound like I was asking for a contractor to be allowed into the house unsupervised. That made me look like a crazy person, and I decided I couldn't continue with her, so I let our contract lapse.
This friend is also disorganized and doesn't follow up in a timely way.
Fast forward to now. I just had an offer accepted on a house that's a great fit. I did not work with my friend. She will find out, and she's going to be hurt that I didn't work with her.
In thinking about this, I've been considering ways to approach the situation with her. I think working with her has strained our friendship, so I can go down that road. But apart from that, I'm drawing a blank.
I don't want to hurt her any more than she'll already be hurt. I anticipate she will be angry for a while, but I also want to stand the best chance of salvaging our friendship. What's the kindest, most sensitive way to do this?
You've got 1. the white-lie option and 2. the tough-love option.
1. "I realized—and I should have known all along—that doing business with friends can jeopardize the friendship, and I value your friendship too much to do that."
2. "You're my friend and I want you to succeed, but to be blunt, we were not on the same page. I don't think you did a good job understanding or representing my interests."
posted by adamrice at 10:18 AM on August 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
1. "I realized—and I should have known all along—that doing business with friends can jeopardize the friendship, and I value your friendship too much to do that."
2. "You're my friend and I want you to succeed, but to be blunt, we were not on the same page. I don't think you did a good job understanding or representing my interests."
posted by adamrice at 10:18 AM on August 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
Best answer: yeah "don't mix precious personal relationships with business" is in fact a great rule, and one you can tell her you've adopted in general.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:20 AM on August 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:20 AM on August 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I don't know, I feel like you could be at least sort of honest? "We tried our best to get me a house, but after three rounds where nothing worked out, I thought I needed a different approach. Thank you for everything you did, and I am so excited about my new place!"
Like, you wanted to buy a house. It's not personal, her approach wasn't working for you.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:27 AM on August 25, 2022 [20 favorites]
Like, you wanted to buy a house. It's not personal, her approach wasn't working for you.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:27 AM on August 25, 2022 [20 favorites]
Best answer: I would just be honest here. If she does find out and confronts you, say something like, "You do remember how hard it was for us to work together the last three times we tried this, right? You are a fantastic friend but we cannot mix business and friendship again". And leave it at that.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 10:58 AM on August 25, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 10:58 AM on August 25, 2022 [17 favorites]
Best answer: I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over this.
From your description of these transactions, everything she did that you didn’t want her to do would have increased her income over what it would have been if she had been more amenable.
posted by jamjam at 11:06 AM on August 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
From your description of these transactions, everything she did that you didn’t want her to do would have increased her income over what it would have been if she had been more amenable.
posted by jamjam at 11:06 AM on August 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
When I think about it from her perspective, she might view any negative feedback as unfair, because the housing market has changed so much in the past few months.
Back when you were working with her those first 3 times, it was a crazy seller's market in most of the country. In many cities, homes were being inundated with multiple offers above asking price, as-is, contingencies waived. The only way to buy a home during those years was to follow her advice: don't lowball the offer, and deal with any issues after buying the home. Nowadays, the market is much friendlier to buyers. You can get away with lower offers and asking for concessions, whereas you couldn't previously.
Your issues with her job performance sound like they're justified, such as her being disorganized and untimely. But she has a very easy excuse to ignore it. It's like telling someone "You were disorganized and did a bad job selling umbrellas during a hot sunny day. Look how many umbrellas your timely & organized coworker sold during the thunderstorm!" Even if it's justified, they're likely to ignore it.
So I would recommend not giving her any direct feedback, and just saying something like "I chose an agent that's extremely familiar with this area".
posted by cheesecake at 11:16 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Back when you were working with her those first 3 times, it was a crazy seller's market in most of the country. In many cities, homes were being inundated with multiple offers above asking price, as-is, contingencies waived. The only way to buy a home during those years was to follow her advice: don't lowball the offer, and deal with any issues after buying the home. Nowadays, the market is much friendlier to buyers. You can get away with lower offers and asking for concessions, whereas you couldn't previously.
Your issues with her job performance sound like they're justified, such as her being disorganized and untimely. But she has a very easy excuse to ignore it. It's like telling someone "You were disorganized and did a bad job selling umbrellas during a hot sunny day. Look how many umbrellas your timely & organized coworker sold during the thunderstorm!" Even if it's justified, they're likely to ignore it.
So I would recommend not giving her any direct feedback, and just saying something like "I chose an agent that's extremely familiar with this area".
posted by cheesecake at 11:16 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would use: "I think we make better friends than business colleagues. To prove it to you, I'll take you out to dinner."
posted by blackjack514 at 11:17 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by blackjack514 at 11:17 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree with penguin pie. You can be honest, and say that the last time you worked together it was really stressful for you, and you felt it came close to impacting on your friendship. And that since then you stopped mixing friendship and professional relationships - with anyone, not just her. But you're still wholeheartedly recommending her to other people.
posted by Mchelly at 11:22 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Mchelly at 11:22 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If she's a friend worth keeping, she won't make this all about her.
posted by flabdablet at 11:23 AM on August 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 11:23 AM on August 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
FWIW, your part in this is not that you worked with a different broker, it’s that you weren’t up front with your friend about your decision at the time, and so by being conflict-avoidant you’ve put her in the uncomfortable and possibly hurtful position of finding this out from someone else. I think the right thing to do is to call her before she comes to you, and say, « Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t mention this before, but I want you to know that I recently closed on a house with another broker. I really appreciated all your help but it felt like we were a bit stuck and I wanted to try a different approach. I hope you understand. Can we go out to dinner ? »
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 11:27 AM on August 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 11:27 AM on August 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
The first time around, she was a bit of a scold about my low offer for a house, and I practically had to insist that she submit the offer she considered too low. The deal didn't go through, although four years on, the seller took the exact amount I offered.
She told you the offer was too low, and it sounds like the seller didn't accept your offer. So she was right! Four years later, another buyer made the same offer, which was accepted. I don't see how this is her fault. It sounds like she was right; your offer was too low for the time. Four years later was a very different time for the seller. The suggestion here seems to be that if she had made the offer the "right" way originally, it would have been accepted. I'd say, rather, that it's more likely the seller was getting desperate and stopped holding out.
that deal fell apart when she miscommunicated a request to the seller's agent and made it sound like I was asking for a contractor to be allowed into the house unsupervised. That made me look like a crazy person
This is also... a pretty wild interpretation. A crazy person? That's pretty strong language.
All of this is to say, I think you're also bringing some strong emotions and frustrations to your interactions. And I agree that it makes a lot of sense for you to have worked with someone different. But I think there's space between "she's terrible at her job" and "we didn't do great mixing friendship with a professional relationship." Her being disorganized and not responsive is definitely a problem. But also... she's no longer a "new" real estate agent. Please do allow that maybe she's learned some things along the way. Try to take some of your judgments out of this.
From her perspective, she might think, "yellowcandy was a really tough client! They kept making low ball offers and looking for things that didn't seem to match what they really wanted. She was very picky given the market. These interactions were really hard to have with a friend!" Or something like that.
It does sound like things were frustrating. It might have been great to approach this with her before now, but also, I think it's fine to do what folks here are saying, "Hey, great news! I bought a house! The offer is accepted and closing is scheduled for DATE. I worked with AGENT. I decided to work with them because it was a bit stressful for me to mix friendship with a professional interaction in the past, and I really value my friendship with you."
Do you all see each other all the time? Have you been not telling her about this search? If so, I'd go ahead and let her know asap. Good luck! I do think emphasizing the friendship and what you value about her as a friend is a good way to go, and also understand she might view this as a lost commission.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:29 AM on August 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
She told you the offer was too low, and it sounds like the seller didn't accept your offer. So she was right! Four years later, another buyer made the same offer, which was accepted. I don't see how this is her fault. It sounds like she was right; your offer was too low for the time. Four years later was a very different time for the seller. The suggestion here seems to be that if she had made the offer the "right" way originally, it would have been accepted. I'd say, rather, that it's more likely the seller was getting desperate and stopped holding out.
that deal fell apart when she miscommunicated a request to the seller's agent and made it sound like I was asking for a contractor to be allowed into the house unsupervised. That made me look like a crazy person
This is also... a pretty wild interpretation. A crazy person? That's pretty strong language.
All of this is to say, I think you're also bringing some strong emotions and frustrations to your interactions. And I agree that it makes a lot of sense for you to have worked with someone different. But I think there's space between "she's terrible at her job" and "we didn't do great mixing friendship with a professional relationship." Her being disorganized and not responsive is definitely a problem. But also... she's no longer a "new" real estate agent. Please do allow that maybe she's learned some things along the way. Try to take some of your judgments out of this.
From her perspective, she might think, "yellowcandy was a really tough client! They kept making low ball offers and looking for things that didn't seem to match what they really wanted. She was very picky given the market. These interactions were really hard to have with a friend!" Or something like that.
It does sound like things were frustrating. It might have been great to approach this with her before now, but also, I think it's fine to do what folks here are saying, "Hey, great news! I bought a house! The offer is accepted and closing is scheduled for DATE. I worked with AGENT. I decided to work with them because it was a bit stressful for me to mix friendship with a professional interaction in the past, and I really value my friendship with you."
Do you all see each other all the time? Have you been not telling her about this search? If so, I'd go ahead and let her know asap. Good luck! I do think emphasizing the friendship and what you value about her as a friend is a good way to go, and also understand she might view this as a lost commission.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:29 AM on August 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
"Buying property is so stressful, which was making it really hard for me to switch between friendship mode and business mode, and it was a lot easier to find another real estate agent than find another friend I love as much."
posted by Charity Garfein at 11:40 AM on August 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 11:40 AM on August 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
If it applies: "I was working with a low budget and knew that I was going to be a picky buyer, so I figured you didn't need to deal with that."
The thing is, if she's short on work she could take it as a financial blow. But if she has plenty of business and is used to working with buyers who spend more than it sounds like you typically do, then working with you could actually have been her doing you a favor - she could have spent that time working on bigger sales.
posted by trig at 11:53 AM on August 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
The thing is, if she's short on work she could take it as a financial blow. But if she has plenty of business and is used to working with buyers who spend more than it sounds like you typically do, then working with you could actually have been her doing you a favor - she could have spent that time working on bigger sales.
posted by trig at 11:53 AM on August 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
Another white lie possibility is "I wasn't even seriously looking but this opportunity came up and X had an in with the seller so I went for it."
Probably best to stick with "I decided business and friends don't mix" though.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:22 PM on August 25, 2022
Probably best to stick with "I decided business and friends don't mix" though.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:22 PM on August 25, 2022
Response by poster: Thanks for all the replies so far.
I'm well aware that I probably should have had the hard conversation with her before, but it felt premature, as I wasn't certain I'd be back to look for another place anytime soon.
Bluedaisy, you raise some good points, and there is more context around the offer from 5 years ago. Suffice it to say that our "low offer" was the highest one that buyer received for the next several years. In hindsight, I don't think the seller would have accepted it originally, but my friend's rationale for not submitting it wasn't that it wouldn't be accepted, but that she didn't want to insult and offend the seller. As our agent, that's not her call; we shouldn't have to badger our agent into submitting an offer for us. And the "crazy person" language came directly from the seller's agent a few years back. Not my wording.
I'm thinking about sending her a nice gift and writing her a letter, thanking her for helping me in the past and explaining my decision to avoid working with friends.
posted by yellowcandy at 2:05 PM on August 25, 2022
I'm well aware that I probably should have had the hard conversation with her before, but it felt premature, as I wasn't certain I'd be back to look for another place anytime soon.
Bluedaisy, you raise some good points, and there is more context around the offer from 5 years ago. Suffice it to say that our "low offer" was the highest one that buyer received for the next several years. In hindsight, I don't think the seller would have accepted it originally, but my friend's rationale for not submitting it wasn't that it wouldn't be accepted, but that she didn't want to insult and offend the seller. As our agent, that's not her call; we shouldn't have to badger our agent into submitting an offer for us. And the "crazy person" language came directly from the seller's agent a few years back. Not my wording.
I'm thinking about sending her a nice gift and writing her a letter, thanking her for helping me in the past and explaining my decision to avoid working with friends.
posted by yellowcandy at 2:05 PM on August 25, 2022
Yes please avoid "working" with friends, especially when it comes to real estate (or cars or...).
My mom lost so many friends when she was a real estate agent (the usual pattern was that they were greedy, wanted kickbacks, or lowball offers [which she submitted] and got upset when they weren't accepted as if it was my mom's fault, or asked way too high and were upset that the property didn't move, etc.).
posted by porpoise at 3:02 PM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
My mom lost so many friends when she was a real estate agent (the usual pattern was that they were greedy, wanted kickbacks, or lowball offers [which she submitted] and got upset when they weren't accepted as if it was my mom's fault, or asked way too high and were upset that the property didn't move, etc.).
posted by porpoise at 3:02 PM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you go with the "I don't mix friendships and business" rule, then make sure you consistently apply it. As you say, this you're in a small community and if this friend finds out that you do in fact do business with friends, just not her...well then I think she'd not be unreasonable about being miffed.
posted by brookeb at 3:48 PM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by brookeb at 3:48 PM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would try to reframe this in your mind away from her being "terrible at her job." Aside from the miscommunication with Search 3 (which sounds like it was probably just an honest mistake), it more just sounds like the two of you were a bad fit. Since you yourself are not a real estate agent, you don't really have the expertise to evaluate how objectively good she is at her job, but as the client, you can evaluate whether or not she was a good fit for you.
For instance, in example #1, she wasn't wrong to tell you that your offer was too low, because, well it was. It wasn't accepted.
And yeah, having a real estate agent who's also a friend exacerbates all this. I actually had a somewhat similar situation with an agent last year who wanted me to be much more aggressive on the market than I felt comfortable with. We are also friends and it made it harder for me to put my foot down, and I also think it made it so it bothered me more when I felt pressured by her. And the thing is, she wasn't necessarily wrong to tell me to be aggressive - it was a terrible market for buyers!
So you definitely made the right choice in going with someone else this time and I think your best bet is just to tell her you decided not to mix business and friendship again, as others have recommended.
posted by lunasol at 4:04 PM on August 25, 2022
For instance, in example #1, she wasn't wrong to tell you that your offer was too low, because, well it was. It wasn't accepted.
And yeah, having a real estate agent who's also a friend exacerbates all this. I actually had a somewhat similar situation with an agent last year who wanted me to be much more aggressive on the market than I felt comfortable with. We are also friends and it made it harder for me to put my foot down, and I also think it made it so it bothered me more when I felt pressured by her. And the thing is, she wasn't necessarily wrong to tell me to be aggressive - it was a terrible market for buyers!
So you definitely made the right choice in going with someone else this time and I think your best bet is just to tell her you decided not to mix business and friendship again, as others have recommended.
posted by lunasol at 4:04 PM on August 25, 2022
Maybe just tell her generically you've decide work and friendship is a hard thing to mix and leave out the part about her being terrible? There's no real way to soft-pedal that.
posted by less-of-course at 6:20 PM on August 25, 2022
posted by less-of-course at 6:20 PM on August 25, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
If she prods, tell her you'd rather not talk about it any more, it's nothing personal but it's your new rule for life.
Don't feel personally responsible for her anger. If you know she'll be angry whatever, then you can accept that there's not much you can do about it and will have to let it run its course.
Congratulations on your new home!
posted by penguin pie at 10:15 AM on August 25, 2022 [39 favorites]