Local school that's not a fit, or great school far away?
August 18, 2022 1:04 PM Subscribe
I am struggling mightily with where to send my first grader after a recent relocation. Difficulty level: liberal snowflake in a deep red county.
We just moved our family from one of the most famously liberal small cities in the U.S. to a town that is on the opposite end of the political spectrum. We moved for personal/family reasons, but the biggest pull for us is that New Place is extremely beautiful and affords us a slower pace of life - we are trying to live in closer connection to nature, each other, and the callings of our hearts. As you may start to pick up from my language, we fit in much better socially and politically in our old community.
We are confident that we will find "our people" in this new place, and we are excited to build a smaller, simpler life that's based at our home, with a lot of time in the beautiful wilderness nearby. We don't need a big group of friends, and there is a small, sweet community of hippies, artists, healers, and others we resonate with. If I were on my own or just with my partner, this would all be fine.
However, our child needs to go to school, which I think is going to connect us more deeply to our community and the other people who live here. We visited our neighborhood school and cannot see our family fitting in or belonging there. I only have first impressions to go on at this point, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't see one other person or family I sensed was similar to us. Our son is sensitive, gentle, and gender non-conforming, and I worry that the local school will not be a place that welcomes and celebrates his uniqueness. When we visited that school, my son was met with a gender-related micro aggression from his teacher as soon as we walked in the door. I left feeling physically sick at the thought of sending him there.
There is a school in the next district over that is much more aligned with our values, and filled with families with similar lifestyles and beliefs to ours. However, going to that school would mean a great deal of driving, being away from home all day every day, and adding a lot of complexity to our lives...when the reason we moved was to simplify and slow down. I am happier and more resourced when I don't have to drive a lot or manage logistics, and I think our son is happier and more resourced when I am. I think he would benefit from having more time at home and less running to and fro...but I also think he would benefit from being in a school that is more accepting of who he is and has other kids and families that share our values. When I visit that school I feel exhausted at the thought of schlepping to and from that town every day, and building a life in a place we don't live.
In summary, I want BOTH: simplicity/ease, and a school that's good for our child. I can't have both. There are no private schools here that will work for our family. For the purposes of this question, please assume moving is not an option.
I am trying really hard to keep my judgment in check, and I can appreciate the value of learning to live with people who see the world so differently than I do. Please be gentle with a scared mama trying desperately to make the best decision for her child.
We just moved our family from one of the most famously liberal small cities in the U.S. to a town that is on the opposite end of the political spectrum. We moved for personal/family reasons, but the biggest pull for us is that New Place is extremely beautiful and affords us a slower pace of life - we are trying to live in closer connection to nature, each other, and the callings of our hearts. As you may start to pick up from my language, we fit in much better socially and politically in our old community.
We are confident that we will find "our people" in this new place, and we are excited to build a smaller, simpler life that's based at our home, with a lot of time in the beautiful wilderness nearby. We don't need a big group of friends, and there is a small, sweet community of hippies, artists, healers, and others we resonate with. If I were on my own or just with my partner, this would all be fine.
However, our child needs to go to school, which I think is going to connect us more deeply to our community and the other people who live here. We visited our neighborhood school and cannot see our family fitting in or belonging there. I only have first impressions to go on at this point, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't see one other person or family I sensed was similar to us. Our son is sensitive, gentle, and gender non-conforming, and I worry that the local school will not be a place that welcomes and celebrates his uniqueness. When we visited that school, my son was met with a gender-related micro aggression from his teacher as soon as we walked in the door. I left feeling physically sick at the thought of sending him there.
There is a school in the next district over that is much more aligned with our values, and filled with families with similar lifestyles and beliefs to ours. However, going to that school would mean a great deal of driving, being away from home all day every day, and adding a lot of complexity to our lives...when the reason we moved was to simplify and slow down. I am happier and more resourced when I don't have to drive a lot or manage logistics, and I think our son is happier and more resourced when I am. I think he would benefit from having more time at home and less running to and fro...but I also think he would benefit from being in a school that is more accepting of who he is and has other kids and families that share our values. When I visit that school I feel exhausted at the thought of schlepping to and from that town every day, and building a life in a place we don't live.
In summary, I want BOTH: simplicity/ease, and a school that's good for our child. I can't have both. There are no private schools here that will work for our family. For the purposes of this question, please assume moving is not an option.
I am trying really hard to keep my judgment in check, and I can appreciate the value of learning to live with people who see the world so differently than I do. Please be gentle with a scared mama trying desperately to make the best decision for her child.
I would do almost anything not to send a gender-nonconforming child to a school that exhibited microaggressions in front of his parents. Maybe they would all learn from him and grow as people, but I wouldn't risk it.
posted by gideonfrog at 1:17 PM on August 18, 2022 [51 favorites]
posted by gideonfrog at 1:17 PM on August 18, 2022 [51 favorites]
Can you start at the local school in case your first impression was too general/sweeping? All a young kid needs are a few friends. But you DO need at least a couple of families / friends to connect to in a community, you really do. You will not have the peaceful, happy life you want if you're feeling totally isolated and misunderstood as a family. But unless you are absolutely certain that your kid isn''t going to find a few friends to bond with -- and yes, their overt signs might not be "hippie" or otherwise legible to you but they very well might be great people anyway -- you could try the new school out and then transfer if it's not working out, no? Also, I'm sorry to be a downer but even school districts with liberal families do have teachers who you're going to have to deal with in similar ways.
posted by ojocaliente at 1:23 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by ojocaliente at 1:23 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think you could make either choice here and have it be "right" for your family. Loving your neighbor is something I feel strongly about personally and I think having my experience be tied up with theirs helps me live out that ideal in a practical sense. Thus, I would err on the side of starting my child in the local school, where my time and resource investment wouldn't just be for my child, but for the benefit of all the local children.
That said, I'm aware many others do not have the resources for that or may be in a position where they need their community to be supporting them, rather than the other way around.
I hope whatever choice you make leads to you and your child thriving in your new location.
posted by shesbookish at 1:42 PM on August 18, 2022
That said, I'm aware many others do not have the resources for that or may be in a position where they need their community to be supporting them, rather than the other way around.
I hope whatever choice you make leads to you and your child thriving in your new location.
posted by shesbookish at 1:42 PM on August 18, 2022
Best answer: Hi. So my kid -- currently 19 and a sophomore in college -- was also not a good fit for our assigned local school. I sent him there for kindergarten (which was actually great, due to a great teacher) but after that I moved him to a school that was medium-length away...and the following year (2nd grade) the school moved quite far away -- 30 minutes each way; more in traffic. We dealt with it but I didn't love it.
When middle school arrived we once again tried a close-by school...and after 5 weeks of that we said no and transferred him to a school that seemed like a better fit...and which was right next door to that elementary school he'd attended. With the longer hours of middle/high school, our commute was now 30+ minutes in the morning, 45-60 minutes in the afternoon.
And you know what? We did it. Almost 100% of the driving fell to me (mom) because of my husband's work schedule. I toyed with the idea of staying close by the school(s) all day, rather than driving home, but ultimately concluded that was actually more painful. So I spent a ton of time in the car, going there in the morning then home, and then there again and home in the afternoon.
What I can say, after driving these nutty-long distances/times for all those years, is that I don't regret it. In terms of the education my kid got? He got exactly what he needed, in places that allowed him to grow into himself. In terms of the driving? Aside from all those miles on my poor car, I loved having that time together. We had many long conversations. We listened to music and podcasts together. We were *together* together for much longer stretches of time than most other parents and kids are. My son and I have a really good relationship, and spending this time together -- especially as he got older -- was a part of it.
We did try carpooling at one point, with like the only other school family that lived near us, but they were flakey so we had to cancel it. You might find a perfect carpool partner.
But overall I'd say go with what's best for your kid, and work from there. Also, schooling isn't written in stone so if you end up hating it, you can switch schools, whether immediately or for the following year.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:57 PM on August 18, 2022 [26 favorites]
When middle school arrived we once again tried a close-by school...and after 5 weeks of that we said no and transferred him to a school that seemed like a better fit...and which was right next door to that elementary school he'd attended. With the longer hours of middle/high school, our commute was now 30+ minutes in the morning, 45-60 minutes in the afternoon.
And you know what? We did it. Almost 100% of the driving fell to me (mom) because of my husband's work schedule. I toyed with the idea of staying close by the school(s) all day, rather than driving home, but ultimately concluded that was actually more painful. So I spent a ton of time in the car, going there in the morning then home, and then there again and home in the afternoon.
What I can say, after driving these nutty-long distances/times for all those years, is that I don't regret it. In terms of the education my kid got? He got exactly what he needed, in places that allowed him to grow into himself. In terms of the driving? Aside from all those miles on my poor car, I loved having that time together. We had many long conversations. We listened to music and podcasts together. We were *together* together for much longer stretches of time than most other parents and kids are. My son and I have a really good relationship, and spending this time together -- especially as he got older -- was a part of it.
We did try carpooling at one point, with like the only other school family that lived near us, but they were flakey so we had to cancel it. You might find a perfect carpool partner.
But overall I'd say go with what's best for your kid, and work from there. Also, schooling isn't written in stone so if you end up hating it, you can switch schools, whether immediately or for the following year.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:57 PM on August 18, 2022 [26 favorites]
You left feeling physically sick at the idea of sending your child to that school. He can't go there. Figure out a way to get him to the school where you feel safe sending him. There will be no simplicity and ease in your life knowing your child is not able to be himself at school.
posted by notjustthefish at 2:10 PM on August 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by notjustthefish at 2:10 PM on August 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
Best answer: There are benefits to your new town for the adults in your family, but a significant drawback for the child in your family. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me for you as adults to assume an unanticipated but relatively minor drawback (more driving & logistical stress) to prevent a much heavier burden on your child (spending all day every day with authority figures you don’t trust to keep them safe).
That said, your question mostly mentions general vibes and one (distressing) incident; you might feel more secure if you ask some specific and detailed questions of your local school. What are their policies around pronouns? Do they dictate restroom use? What are their gendered sports policies? Is the dress code gendered? Etc, etc. If their responses are good and you feel like you can work with them, great. If they’re bad, then you have a lot more information to make your decision. And if you can’t bring yourself to ask those kinds of detailed questions, then you’re not ready yet to be a “fighting for change alone” parent and you shouldn’t make your child fight that battle alone; enroll them in the other school where you will have allies in whatever conflicts are ahead.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 2:10 PM on August 18, 2022 [8 favorites]
That said, your question mostly mentions general vibes and one (distressing) incident; you might feel more secure if you ask some specific and detailed questions of your local school. What are their policies around pronouns? Do they dictate restroom use? What are their gendered sports policies? Is the dress code gendered? Etc, etc. If their responses are good and you feel like you can work with them, great. If they’re bad, then you have a lot more information to make your decision. And if you can’t bring yourself to ask those kinds of detailed questions, then you’re not ready yet to be a “fighting for change alone” parent and you shouldn’t make your child fight that battle alone; enroll them in the other school where you will have allies in whatever conflicts are ahead.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 2:10 PM on August 18, 2022 [8 favorites]
A kid is TRAPPED in school ALL DAY. With people who HATE HIM and it's at least somewhat likely that school administration won't do shit to help. For the love of god, don't send him to the local school. The kid may lose the will to live, seriously. Driving for hours is worth making sure your kid isn't miserable and hating his own existence.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:34 PM on August 18, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:34 PM on August 18, 2022 [14 favorites]
I would usually say that going to a mediocre local school is better than going to an amazing school further away, because of community ties (which extend outside the school day) and quality of life (less driving). And I've been pleasantly surprised by kindness and acceptance from people whom I assumed, based on appearances, would be shitty to my kids and me.
But if you think that teacher is likely to make your kid's life crappy, that it's unlikely you misinterpreted something or that a direct conversation won't clear up what might have been a misunderstanding on the teacher's part, then you need to protect your kid, either through a different school or homeschooling. I'm so sorry.
posted by metasarah at 2:35 PM on August 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
But if you think that teacher is likely to make your kid's life crappy, that it's unlikely you misinterpreted something or that a direct conversation won't clear up what might have been a misunderstanding on the teacher's part, then you need to protect your kid, either through a different school or homeschooling. I'm so sorry.
posted by metasarah at 2:35 PM on August 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
You should not send your kid to a school that left you "feeling physically sick at the thought of sending him there."
Enroll your kid in the other school, see how the commute goes, and consider relocating if it's rough in practice.
posted by caek at 2:38 PM on August 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Enroll your kid in the other school, see how the commute goes, and consider relocating if it's rough in practice.
posted by caek at 2:38 PM on August 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
How did your son react to the teacher’s remark?
posted by Ideefixe at 2:53 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 2:53 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It's easier to start with high expectations and then change to a less stressful situation, compared to settling for a mediocre school and then trying to reset your child's ingrained attitude toward education.
First grade sets the tone for lifelong learning. If there is a conflict between your values and those of the school/district, your child will lose faith in the system and their ability to navigate this type of setting.
You will not get everything, but you should at least feel valued as a family.
Interview other parents at both schools. Do you have extracurricular interests such as sports, music, college prep, etc? That could be a conversation starter.
Then shift into talking generally about divisive topics -- gender-neutral bathrooms, school prayer, the budgets for football vs advanced academics, and the high school dropout rate.
What is the tone of the adult conversation? Make your decisions based upon the perceived priorities of the district.
Children have different needs. You are within your rights to make the best decision for your child's education.
You can always change your mind, but you cannot replace your child's first exposure to formal instruction.
Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 3:23 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
First grade sets the tone for lifelong learning. If there is a conflict between your values and those of the school/district, your child will lose faith in the system and their ability to navigate this type of setting.
You will not get everything, but you should at least feel valued as a family.
Interview other parents at both schools. Do you have extracurricular interests such as sports, music, college prep, etc? That could be a conversation starter.
Then shift into talking generally about divisive topics -- gender-neutral bathrooms, school prayer, the budgets for football vs advanced academics, and the high school dropout rate.
What is the tone of the adult conversation? Make your decisions based upon the perceived priorities of the district.
Children have different needs. You are within your rights to make the best decision for your child's education.
You can always change your mind, but you cannot replace your child's first exposure to formal instruction.
Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 3:23 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Can you move to the next district?
posted by at at 3:48 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by at at 3:48 PM on August 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm an elementary school teacher. You should not send a gender nonconforming child to a school where the adults won't have his back.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:57 PM on August 18, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:57 PM on August 18, 2022 [12 favorites]
Also I can appreciate the value of learning to live with people who see the world so differently than I do is like, fine for adults living with each others' varying feelings about income tax law. It's not really fine for stuff like this. Your child should be loved for who he is at school; he doesn't need to "learn to live with" people who are going to be jerks about his identity.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:01 PM on August 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:01 PM on August 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Would home schooling be an option with outside activities for building social connections and skills?
posted by brookeb at 5:19 PM on August 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by brookeb at 5:19 PM on August 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all, please keep it coming. My son took the gender comment in stride - certainly it's bothering me more than it is him. I'm trying to figure out how concerned to be about the microaggression. As far as we can tell, our son is not trans or nonbinary, but he does not conform to gender norms/mainstream expectations. We have always encouraged him to love what he loves, which includes wearing his hair long, rainbows and sparkles, and sometimes dresses. I don't think he's a kid who would suffer deeply from not wearing dresses...but I want him to be in an environment where he is accepted and supported exactly as he is, and he feels free to love what he loves. The teacher's comment was ignorant but not openly hostile. She said "On my records it said [Name] was male." I replied cheerfully, "Yes! He is a boy with long hair." To which she replied, "Really?" and then, after I confirmed what I had said, she said "Well, I don't have my glasses on." Am I making too much of this? If it were hostile or I felt more sure he would actually be harmed, I wouldn't need to ask this question, but I'm doubting myself a bit.
posted by TrixieRamble at 5:25 PM on August 18, 2022
posted by TrixieRamble at 5:25 PM on August 18, 2022
As a natural born obvious weirdo who grew up in a more um....hick/cowboy environment, that wasn't a place where being an obvious weirdo would thrive. I'm deeply concerned about your move to a non-weird-kid-friendly environment. Where are your new hippie friends sending their kids?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:49 PM on August 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:49 PM on August 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
Best answer: "I can appreciate the value of learning to live with people who see the world so differently than I do"
Gently, *you* are saying this. Are the adults and authority figures at LittleRambler's school saying this? Demonstrating it? Do they equally appreciate the value of learning to live with people who see the world so differently than they do, and may demonstrate it in their hairstyle and dress? Was the gender microaggression your kid experienced - from the authority figure that's going to be their teacher for at least the next year! - made out of ignorance from someone willing to say they were wrong and do better, or was it made as an expression of community standards expected to be conformed to? This is not a meeting of equals here; you're pretty new to town and you have a kid who isn't conforming to the status quo. How much support are they really going to get in this school? In this community? Little Rambler is on the pointy end of the power dynamic here. It is Not Fun to be the kid who has to challenge the adults about things that aren't okay to say or do, especially in an unequal relationship where they will lack authority.
You need more information, and I assume you need it fast. Your local hippie friends, do they have kids at LittleRambler's school, or did they at all recently? Any LittleRambler's age? What do they think of the school? The teacher in question? Other teachers in LittleRambler's future? Because they're going to be your support system moving forward, and if they're in the same school, you all working together is more likely to make a difference for LittleRambler and other gender non-conforming kids to follow. But if there are too few of you with too little power to make things better, then LittleRambler is likely to be seen as The Gender Non-Conforming Kid nail that sticks out to be pounded down.
Sorry, I know this is getting long! But I also wanted to say that as someone who made similarly long commutes to school for all of my elementary and middle school years (for safer racial dynamics), as an adult reflecting back on how much work this was primarily for my mom (45 minutes each way, and then a half hour doubled back to get to work), I see you. I think you're smart to be thinking about how this will affect you and your family and the kind of life you're hoping to lead, and that you will need to figure out your support system to bring it all into a sustainable balance. I well understand the potential sacrifice for your family to make the longer commute for the safer school work, and that this driving takes up a substantial fraction of the day you would rather be spending in your community (but if it's not safe for your kid, can you really call it your community?). I see you and salute you, and hope that you can figure out balance in who drives how much, possibly being able to figure out a carpool or bus solution, or a way to move to the district of the safer school.
On preview, that "Really?" response would make me concerned. Like they just "don't quite believe it, they've never encountered a boy with long hair before, how ... odd." is the impression I'm getting. And then trying to blame it on their glasses. My hackles would be raised and I don't think you're wrong to be worried.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 5:50 PM on August 18, 2022 [8 favorites]
Gently, *you* are saying this. Are the adults and authority figures at LittleRambler's school saying this? Demonstrating it? Do they equally appreciate the value of learning to live with people who see the world so differently than they do, and may demonstrate it in their hairstyle and dress? Was the gender microaggression your kid experienced - from the authority figure that's going to be their teacher for at least the next year! - made out of ignorance from someone willing to say they were wrong and do better, or was it made as an expression of community standards expected to be conformed to? This is not a meeting of equals here; you're pretty new to town and you have a kid who isn't conforming to the status quo. How much support are they really going to get in this school? In this community? Little Rambler is on the pointy end of the power dynamic here. It is Not Fun to be the kid who has to challenge the adults about things that aren't okay to say or do, especially in an unequal relationship where they will lack authority.
You need more information, and I assume you need it fast. Your local hippie friends, do they have kids at LittleRambler's school, or did they at all recently? Any LittleRambler's age? What do they think of the school? The teacher in question? Other teachers in LittleRambler's future? Because they're going to be your support system moving forward, and if they're in the same school, you all working together is more likely to make a difference for LittleRambler and other gender non-conforming kids to follow. But if there are too few of you with too little power to make things better, then LittleRambler is likely to be seen as The Gender Non-Conforming Kid nail that sticks out to be pounded down.
Sorry, I know this is getting long! But I also wanted to say that as someone who made similarly long commutes to school for all of my elementary and middle school years (for safer racial dynamics), as an adult reflecting back on how much work this was primarily for my mom (45 minutes each way, and then a half hour doubled back to get to work), I see you. I think you're smart to be thinking about how this will affect you and your family and the kind of life you're hoping to lead, and that you will need to figure out your support system to bring it all into a sustainable balance. I well understand the potential sacrifice for your family to make the longer commute for the safer school work, and that this driving takes up a substantial fraction of the day you would rather be spending in your community (but if it's not safe for your kid, can you really call it your community?). I see you and salute you, and hope that you can figure out balance in who drives how much, possibly being able to figure out a carpool or bus solution, or a way to move to the district of the safer school.
On preview, that "Really?" response would make me concerned. Like they just "don't quite believe it, they've never encountered a boy with long hair before, how ... odd." is the impression I'm getting. And then trying to blame it on their glasses. My hackles would be raised and I don't think you're wrong to be worried.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 5:50 PM on August 18, 2022 [8 favorites]
Best answer: The teacher's comment was ignorant but not openly hostile.
After hearing the actual exchange, OP, I think you are significantly underestimating the hostility from the teacher. This wasn’t an accidental misgendering quickly corrected. This was actively questioning your child’s gender, to their face, in front of you, the first time you met them. And then not immediately backing down when corrected but instead pushing back. She was letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that she does not think your child is behaving correctly.
OP, this is a teacher who is not going to be okay with your child’s hair, or clothes, or sparkles. This is a teacher who will actively instruct your child about “what boys do” and “what girls do” because she thinks that is part of her job. This is a teacher who not only will not protect your child if they are bullied for wearing dresses, but is likely to join the bullies.
If you aren’t used to living in a place where these kinds of policing comments are normal, I understand why you might be questioning your judgement. But this was serious, it was wrong, and it’s only going to get worse. Especially if she perceives the school and the rest of the town as being on her side.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 6:35 PM on August 18, 2022 [13 favorites]
After hearing the actual exchange, OP, I think you are significantly underestimating the hostility from the teacher. This wasn’t an accidental misgendering quickly corrected. This was actively questioning your child’s gender, to their face, in front of you, the first time you met them. And then not immediately backing down when corrected but instead pushing back. She was letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that she does not think your child is behaving correctly.
OP, this is a teacher who is not going to be okay with your child’s hair, or clothes, or sparkles. This is a teacher who will actively instruct your child about “what boys do” and “what girls do” because she thinks that is part of her job. This is a teacher who not only will not protect your child if they are bullied for wearing dresses, but is likely to join the bullies.
If you aren’t used to living in a place where these kinds of policing comments are normal, I understand why you might be questioning your judgement. But this was serious, it was wrong, and it’s only going to get worse. Especially if she perceives the school and the rest of the town as being on her side.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 6:35 PM on August 18, 2022 [13 favorites]
I am a queer public school teacher who has taught in both conservative and liberal places. If you had gone into the local school and felt welcomed, I'd say definitely give it a chance. If the teacher had given you a genuine apology, I'd say it might be OK. But you were disrespected and the teacher got defensive instead of apologizing. Absolutely send your child to the more liberal school in the neighboring district or, at the very least, demand that your son gets a different teacher. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this crap!! There are amazing teachers and caring people everything; I had mostly wonderful interactions with families and students in the conservative places but the viciousness I also experienced -- and this was just a few years ago -- but a few in power truly threatened my livelihood and life. I don't mean to be alarmist but, after those experiences, I will never live or teach in a conservative area area nor would I send children to school there. I know not everyone has the privilege to choose but you can choose what's best for you and also advocate for others who can't. Again, lots of good people and potential but it's not worth the risk especially when your child is so young and there's a better option nearby.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:19 PM on August 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 7:19 PM on August 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
However, going to that school would mean a great deal of driving, being away from home all day every day, and adding a lot of complexity to our lives...when the reason we moved was to simplify and slow down.
Your child will not remember how nice it was for you that you could simplify and slow down your lives when you sent them to the conveniently local school they were bullied in every day growing up.
posted by mhoye at 7:26 PM on August 18, 2022 [19 favorites]
Your child will not remember how nice it was for you that you could simplify and slow down your lives when you sent them to the conveniently local school they were bullied in every day growing up.
posted by mhoye at 7:26 PM on August 18, 2022 [19 favorites]
If you aren’t used to living in a place where these kinds of policing comments are normal, I understand why you might be questioning your judgement. But this was serious, it was wrong, and it’s only going to get worse. Especially if she perceives the school and the rest of the town as being on her side.
I want to emphasize what CtrlAltDelete wrote here because this is exactly what I had gone through. Growing up in a liberal and diverse area, I had thought that by now everyone would be pretty chill and open. Sure, the teens were but many adults, even ones who identified as "liberal", were actually super conservative. A bisexual woman who openly dates people of various genders and races? I was grooming kids because I had a female partner, a college professor fwiw, who would help chaperone events just as heterosexual couples did. Oh, and my previously having dated a black man, who happened to a former cop who became a school teacher? I was a trashy whore. Seriously, I had no idea people thought this way because queer and/or interracial relationships are the norm where I'm from. But think of all those all those House Republicans who voted AGAINST same-sex marriage and interracial marriage in 2022?! While the majority of Americans DO support these things, the power of those who don't is strong and scary. Again, I apologize for sounding alarmist but I feel extremely strongly about this.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:30 PM on August 18, 2022 [11 favorites]
I want to emphasize what CtrlAltDelete wrote here because this is exactly what I had gone through. Growing up in a liberal and diverse area, I had thought that by now everyone would be pretty chill and open. Sure, the teens were but many adults, even ones who identified as "liberal", were actually super conservative. A bisexual woman who openly dates people of various genders and races? I was grooming kids because I had a female partner, a college professor fwiw, who would help chaperone events just as heterosexual couples did. Oh, and my previously having dated a black man, who happened to a former cop who became a school teacher? I was a trashy whore. Seriously, I had no idea people thought this way because queer and/or interracial relationships are the norm where I'm from. But think of all those all those House Republicans who voted AGAINST same-sex marriage and interracial marriage in 2022?! While the majority of Americans DO support these things, the power of those who don't is strong and scary. Again, I apologize for sounding alarmist but I feel extremely strongly about this.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:30 PM on August 18, 2022 [11 favorites]
To add also to what mhoye said: growing up my siblings and I did voluntary bussing to a school across the district in order to escape a damaging base school less than a mile away. The ride was at least 45 minutes each way. Never once have we regretted the distance or the journey; instead we have such happy memories about going there and frankly even the bus and/or car ride.
You are a wise mama bear listening to her intuition and willing to do whatever it takes to protect her cub. You've got this!! Also, this choice doesn't have to be permanent: you can always revisit the decision next year or even halfway through the year if the commute gets too hard.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:34 PM on August 18, 2022
You are a wise mama bear listening to her intuition and willing to do whatever it takes to protect her cub. You've got this!! Also, this choice doesn't have to be permanent: you can always revisit the decision next year or even halfway through the year if the commute gets too hard.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:34 PM on August 18, 2022
Respectfully: you moved to “slow down” and enjoy the wilderness with the goal of having an easier, more pleasant family life. You’re considering sending your child to a school, 8 hours a day, which does not consider him “normal” and told you this TO YOUR FACE. How is that going to affect HIS life?
You can’t ask a child to shoulder all the negatives of your relocation. It’s going to have to be moving or driving.
posted by lydhre at 7:50 PM on August 18, 2022 [15 favorites]
You can’t ask a child to shoulder all the negatives of your relocation. It’s going to have to be moving or driving.
posted by lydhre at 7:50 PM on August 18, 2022 [15 favorites]
I went to a highschool that was a forty minute drive away and wow do I wish I hadn't. I got a great education but I would've still gotten a good one at a closer school. As an adult I am extremely commute conscious. In your shoes I would try the local school, ask for a different teacher, and if it didn't work out, send him to the next option. Kids are pretty resilient - I went to many different types of schools growing up and I liked all of them because I liked school.
posted by randomquestion at 8:08 PM on August 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by randomquestion at 8:08 PM on August 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Homeschooling seems like an obvious solution if your work doesn't make it impossible. It would not only keep your kid away from a possibly harmful school experience, it would give him a chance to experience that slow paced life and connection to nature you want for your family. He could spend his days playing in creeks and catching bugs instead of sitting at a desk. A first grader doesn't need a huge amount of active teaching. Even if you don't want to homeschool long term, keeping your kid home for this year would give you a chance to learn more about the community and the schools and hopefully make connections with some of those people you resonate with and learn about their experiences with the local schools. Then you might be able to make a more educated choice about next year. In my area, homeschoolers are predominantly hippie/homesteading/nature lover/nonconformist types. In your area, maybe they tend to be religious but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a subset who are your kind of people, at least in that neighboring district. Driving over there once a week or so to get together with other homeschoolers would be a lot less stressful than having to drive there every day.
posted by Redstart at 8:26 PM on August 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 8:26 PM on August 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
What have the hippies, artists and healers done for elementary education for their children? Are their kids in the same general age group as yours? If the teacher in the town says she's not had boys with long hair before, It seems unlikely the hippies and healer's kids attend, but maybe she's an outlier and the rest of the faculty and administration is cool. Unless these parents are so cool as to be negligent and let their kids sink or swim (in my opinion a poor philosophy). Surely the families have managed a way to work with the teachers. I would do my best to get as much information as you can from this group of people who you know has been there for a while and has found solutions that worked for them and their children. Of course you may learn that they all home-school, and will have more info to deal with.
A generation ago another,slightly older lonely kid in the south who was sent out to play for days on end made all his own fun in the woods because he became fascinated with ants. He turned that passion, perfect for a smart, methodical and curious loner into his path to an eminent and unique career at Harvard. EO Wilson was his name. This is not to say that EO Wilson was bullied, ridiculed or in other ways made to feel bad in school - he might have been but I don't remember that. I think he was simply not terribly happy at home and so spent large amounts of time on his own in the woods, and found it so satisfying he make it his life's work. He got into the science of the types of ants, their social structure, specialized body parts for their work, how they communicate, etc. He found his bliss early in his life.
You will figure it out. There might be some trial and error, some compromises all around, but you will find or devise a program that works for your son.
posted by citygirl at 11:17 PM on August 18, 2022
A generation ago another,slightly older lonely kid in the south who was sent out to play for days on end made all his own fun in the woods because he became fascinated with ants. He turned that passion, perfect for a smart, methodical and curious loner into his path to an eminent and unique career at Harvard. EO Wilson was his name. This is not to say that EO Wilson was bullied, ridiculed or in other ways made to feel bad in school - he might have been but I don't remember that. I think he was simply not terribly happy at home and so spent large amounts of time on his own in the woods, and found it so satisfying he make it his life's work. He got into the science of the types of ants, their social structure, specialized body parts for their work, how they communicate, etc. He found his bliss early in his life.
You will figure it out. There might be some trial and error, some compromises all around, but you will find or devise a program that works for your son.
posted by citygirl at 11:17 PM on August 18, 2022
One more thing to consider besides in-school hours is your kid's social life, now and in the future. Are you living in a place where kid will be able to hang out with their school friends or go to activities easily? Or will that require hours of parental driving too?
posted by trig at 11:54 PM on August 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by trig at 11:54 PM on August 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
I was sent to a 'better' non-local school 30-45 minutes drive away (depending on traffic) and I hated the commute. As the adult, I hate commuting even more, to the point where I am willing to pay a lot of extra money not commute. I see commuting and driving as hugely detrimental to my quality of life and that of my family. I went back to my car-crazed hometown the other day and just HATED the schelpping in and out of cars from one place to another. I completely understand your rationale.
That being said, it sounds like this school is not a fit for your child. I would gently push back on your assumptions here: is it just this one teacher, or is the entire culture? Would another visit help you make your decision? My child's education is important to me, and if they are going to spend a good fraction of their time unhappy and bring the weirdo in the class, then, well, I would choose the other school.
I know you say moving is not an answer for you, but to me that seems like the only reasonable answer here. I assume you have spent a lot of money in your moving, or have bought a place and can't move and am feeling trapped. Yes, I would send my kid to the other school, and I would spend some time thinking about how to reduce your commuting -- perhaps you could rent out your place and live closer to the other school? Perhaps you could do a one-year trial period of commuting?
posted by moiraine at 4:21 AM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
That being said, it sounds like this school is not a fit for your child. I would gently push back on your assumptions here: is it just this one teacher, or is the entire culture? Would another visit help you make your decision? My child's education is important to me, and if they are going to spend a good fraction of their time unhappy and bring the weirdo in the class, then, well, I would choose the other school.
I know you say moving is not an answer for you, but to me that seems like the only reasonable answer here. I assume you have spent a lot of money in your moving, or have bought a place and can't move and am feeling trapped. Yes, I would send my kid to the other school, and I would spend some time thinking about how to reduce your commuting -- perhaps you could rent out your place and live closer to the other school? Perhaps you could do a one-year trial period of commuting?
posted by moiraine at 4:21 AM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
I second looking into homeschooling, since it has both the pace of life that you want, the time in nature for your child, and the ability to construct a community. Maybe start by researching and meeting some of the local groups. People will be homeschooling for different reasons and you might find that the community you connect with is just as far a drive as the school would be, but it would be good to know what the options are. (In particular, I would look for people who are "unschooling".)
posted by xo at 4:49 AM on August 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by xo at 4:49 AM on August 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your thoughtful and generous responses. It is so helpful to hear your experiences and to have others' perspectives on the exchange with the teacher, when I was wondering if I was making too big a deal of it.
We are going to send our son to the other district, deal with the driving, look for carpool options, and keep evaluating as we go. I will continue exploring the homeschool community/ies here - so far I've found only strongly religious homeschoolers, but that doesn't mean there aren't others here. I'm intrigued by the idea, but for the moment, when we've just moved here, know so few people, and I am trying to start a business, it feels like homeschooling would be isolating rather than resourcing, for all of us. I think the other district is our best next step for right now, and I'm choosing to trust that the next step after that will become clearer as we go. I'm so grateful for your support.
posted by TrixieRamble at 12:18 PM on August 19, 2022 [8 favorites]
We are going to send our son to the other district, deal with the driving, look for carpool options, and keep evaluating as we go. I will continue exploring the homeschool community/ies here - so far I've found only strongly religious homeschoolers, but that doesn't mean there aren't others here. I'm intrigued by the idea, but for the moment, when we've just moved here, know so few people, and I am trying to start a business, it feels like homeschooling would be isolating rather than resourcing, for all of us. I think the other district is our best next step for right now, and I'm choosing to trust that the next step after that will become clearer as we go. I'm so grateful for your support.
posted by TrixieRamble at 12:18 PM on August 19, 2022 [8 favorites]
My son, now 15, socially transitioned just before he turned five, and began a Young 5's program ("Begindergarten," very cute) in our local school district. We started by talking with the principal of the school, who had not encountered this before but was ready to learn and very supportive. Have you spoken with the principal? That might be a good place to start. We felt that the principal being on our side would help, and it did.
If the principal is supportive, it might be possible for your child to be moved to a different classroom. Educational opportunities might be offered to staff—-we did some gentle pushback on teachers saying things like, "OK, boys and girls, time to line up for recess!" or sending all the boys to one side of the room and all the girls to another for an activity. Our son's Begindergarten teacher was already pretty awesome—-she called the kids together with "Begindergartners! Time to line up!"—and we noticed that other teachers used terms like "friends"—-"Friends, time to put away your art projects and find your place on the rug for circle time!"
We did end up pulling our son out of school midway through second grade—-there were only two second grade teachers, and they were both alike in their level of, for instance, excessive attention to our son, who is Black.
We were lucky to have a small but very active secular/inclusive homeschool group. For high school, my son is doing a distance-learning program through a school that has been offering educational opportunities to, say, the children of Americans serving overseas for decades, before the popularization of homeschooling and before the internet.
One of my son's best friends is someone he met in kindergarten. Her family has been driving her a 45-60 minute round trip all these years, via schools of choice, to get her out of a badly failing and underfunded urban school district to a better-resourced school in the suburbs. I admire their dedication, and they show that it can be done if it must be.
One thing I have learned in my now-decades of parenting (my kids are 15, 18, 21, and 27) is that course corrections are totally a thing. It's OK to try something, and then to try something else if it doesn't work in one way or another. In fact, it's kind of imperative to be open to that.
I'm glad you've made a for-now decision, and I hope it works well for you and your child. I hope you're very happy in your new home. Your concern for your child's emotional safety and general well-being will matter a lot, no matter what his educational experience ends up being like.
posted by Well I never at 6:37 AM on August 21, 2022
If the principal is supportive, it might be possible for your child to be moved to a different classroom. Educational opportunities might be offered to staff—-we did some gentle pushback on teachers saying things like, "OK, boys and girls, time to line up for recess!" or sending all the boys to one side of the room and all the girls to another for an activity. Our son's Begindergarten teacher was already pretty awesome—-she called the kids together with "Begindergartners! Time to line up!"—and we noticed that other teachers used terms like "friends"—-"Friends, time to put away your art projects and find your place on the rug for circle time!"
We did end up pulling our son out of school midway through second grade—-there were only two second grade teachers, and they were both alike in their level of, for instance, excessive attention to our son, who is Black.
We were lucky to have a small but very active secular/inclusive homeschool group. For high school, my son is doing a distance-learning program through a school that has been offering educational opportunities to, say, the children of Americans serving overseas for decades, before the popularization of homeschooling and before the internet.
One of my son's best friends is someone he met in kindergarten. Her family has been driving her a 45-60 minute round trip all these years, via schools of choice, to get her out of a badly failing and underfunded urban school district to a better-resourced school in the suburbs. I admire their dedication, and they show that it can be done if it must be.
One thing I have learned in my now-decades of parenting (my kids are 15, 18, 21, and 27) is that course corrections are totally a thing. It's OK to try something, and then to try something else if it doesn't work in one way or another. In fact, it's kind of imperative to be open to that.
I'm glad you've made a for-now decision, and I hope it works well for you and your child. I hope you're very happy in your new home. Your concern for your child's emotional safety and general well-being will matter a lot, no matter what his educational experience ends up being like.
posted by Well I never at 6:37 AM on August 21, 2022
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Are any of these families from your area, such that carpooling could be an option?
Is it going to have to be you doing the driving every day?
posted by trig at 1:17 PM on August 18, 2022 [9 favorites]