What relationship can I comfortably offer my transphobic mom?
July 16, 2022 5:14 PM Subscribe
My mother and I have been on-and-off estranged (my choice) for the past few years, which I have been fine with. My grandmother's death in late 2020 forced us back onto speaking terms, and now she wants more.
My mother is still distraught by our lack of relationship, while I am fine with the distance but upset when she sends me long emails about how sad she is, how much she hopes for healing between us, etc. I don't want her to be unhappy, but also she's self-absorbed, historically very unsupportive of my transition, and I have a lot of issues with various bizarre parenting choices she made.
Thanks in advance for reading, I would like to hear some perspectives on adult parent-child relationships from older adults especially parents whose children have chosen distance, or some questions I can ask myself that might give me clarity on the situation.
I love my mother dearly and wish I could make her happy, but she is a very difficult person and I have learned from a lot of therapy that I can't resolve her emotional issues by building a relationship with her. When I was a child we had a very close single parent-only child relationship, and she made it difficult for me to build a close relationship with my father and stepfamily. I experienced a lot of parentification with her and generally felt that I had to work to maintain her emotional stability for my own quality of life. When I graduated high school, I moved from California to New England in large part to get distance, and have chosen to stay here with my wife.
I stopped talking to her initially when I was working on getting my second gender-affirming surgery at age 25, and she tried multiple times to talk me out of having it. She had done the same thing the first time I had surgery a few years previously, and getting everything set up for surgery was too difficult for me to have any patience to spare for her. We had had MANY previous arguments about my transition before this, and even about gender identity generally before I came out, because my best friend in high school was also trans, and she was shitty about that, too.
We didn't talk for about a year, most of 2019 and part of 2020, when it became clear that her mother, my grandmother, was not long for this world, and I came back to California to say goodbye to her.
During that trip, I used Covid as an excuse to maintain distance and generally kept things cordial with my mom; she was desperate to cement us talking again and wanted to talk about her issues with her brother, my uncle, and how much she had processed about her own difficult relationship with her mother. My grandmother and I were very close and it felt very difficult to process my own feelings about losing her while in the company of my mother. I was a 1/3 recipient of my grandmother's estate, so my mother, uncle, and I had to talk frequently over the next year. I often had to manage my mother and uncle's feelings in that process because they don't get along, and I found this difficult from afar as well as exasperating. Towards the end of that process, my then-girlfriend, now wife, came to California with me to help with logistics, and we got engaged. One of my mother's first responses was jealousy about our engagement and a desire to protect family heirlooms/etc from hypothetically ending up belonging to my wife. I guess this was a grief/anxiety response but it still felt really self-centered to me.
Sooooo, we finished settling the estate, and with the money from selling the house in California, I was able to buy a house in New England for my wife and I. The combination of that, the progress I have made in transition, healing some other important familial relationships, and progress in my career goals makes me feel that now, at 27, I have a clearer and more accessible idea of what I want in my life than I have ever had. Except, that is, for in my relationship with my mother. My wife and I are having a party in August to celebrate our marriage, some family are coming but mostly our friends. I invited my mom because I didn't want her to feel rejected by NOT being invited to the wedding party, but to be honest I don't really want her there.
Last week, she sent me a rambling email about a recent phone argument with my uncle, basically seeking reassurance that her family values her, and asking if I really want her at my wedding, because she feels overwhelmed by the task of making logistical plans to come here, and doesn't want to make the trip if she isn't wanted, understandable. She also asked for us to heal our relationship and talked about how sad she feels at its current state. I avoided the email for a few days because I didn't know what to say and she emailed me a couple more times. Finally I replied that I didn't think she should come to our wedding party because I didn't feel that we were in a good enough place to have a good time in a group context together, and recommended that she attend PFLAG or some other support group for parents of trans children, and she might be able to learn from others how to have a respectful relationship with her adult trans child. I finished by saying that I would feel ready to work on our relationship when she could show me with an apology that she understood what she had done wrong in the past and wouldn't repeat those patterns. I also said that I felt her prioritizing her own feelings about my transition represented a pattern of her feelings dominating our relationship. I wasn't satisfied with her response, which included a general 'sorry I made mistakes' and defensiveness about her self-centeredness. She has since sent me a couple more upset emails about how much she misses me, how much she wants to work on things, how her perspective on gender identity has changed from working with high schoolers in SF, etc. I don't feel that it would be prudent for me to offer her much more without some more tangible demonstration from her of a shift in perspective. The main thing that makes me doubt her is that she is still with the same partner she has been with for the past five or so years, who is a pretty explicit transphobe. I feel lost when I try to imagine how to improve things with her without considerable self-sacrifice.
If you have stayed with me through this, thank you! I am not totally sure what I am looking for, but I guess primarily insights from people who have experienced or witnessed similar dynamics in their own families. I feel there is a lot to admire about my mom, but I simply cannot find it in myself to respect her. I think any relationship I could have with her would necessarily be for her benefit because she has very little to offer me, and I don't know if I feel like doing that for her. I have talked extensively to my friends, wife, and at different times, therapists about my mom, and while in the past I felt absolutely that I didn't want to speak with her, I now feel conflicted.
My mother is still distraught by our lack of relationship, while I am fine with the distance but upset when she sends me long emails about how sad she is, how much she hopes for healing between us, etc. I don't want her to be unhappy, but also she's self-absorbed, historically very unsupportive of my transition, and I have a lot of issues with various bizarre parenting choices she made.
Thanks in advance for reading, I would like to hear some perspectives on adult parent-child relationships from older adults especially parents whose children have chosen distance, or some questions I can ask myself that might give me clarity on the situation.
I love my mother dearly and wish I could make her happy, but she is a very difficult person and I have learned from a lot of therapy that I can't resolve her emotional issues by building a relationship with her. When I was a child we had a very close single parent-only child relationship, and she made it difficult for me to build a close relationship with my father and stepfamily. I experienced a lot of parentification with her and generally felt that I had to work to maintain her emotional stability for my own quality of life. When I graduated high school, I moved from California to New England in large part to get distance, and have chosen to stay here with my wife.
I stopped talking to her initially when I was working on getting my second gender-affirming surgery at age 25, and she tried multiple times to talk me out of having it. She had done the same thing the first time I had surgery a few years previously, and getting everything set up for surgery was too difficult for me to have any patience to spare for her. We had had MANY previous arguments about my transition before this, and even about gender identity generally before I came out, because my best friend in high school was also trans, and she was shitty about that, too.
We didn't talk for about a year, most of 2019 and part of 2020, when it became clear that her mother, my grandmother, was not long for this world, and I came back to California to say goodbye to her.
During that trip, I used Covid as an excuse to maintain distance and generally kept things cordial with my mom; she was desperate to cement us talking again and wanted to talk about her issues with her brother, my uncle, and how much she had processed about her own difficult relationship with her mother. My grandmother and I were very close and it felt very difficult to process my own feelings about losing her while in the company of my mother. I was a 1/3 recipient of my grandmother's estate, so my mother, uncle, and I had to talk frequently over the next year. I often had to manage my mother and uncle's feelings in that process because they don't get along, and I found this difficult from afar as well as exasperating. Towards the end of that process, my then-girlfriend, now wife, came to California with me to help with logistics, and we got engaged. One of my mother's first responses was jealousy about our engagement and a desire to protect family heirlooms/etc from hypothetically ending up belonging to my wife. I guess this was a grief/anxiety response but it still felt really self-centered to me.
Sooooo, we finished settling the estate, and with the money from selling the house in California, I was able to buy a house in New England for my wife and I. The combination of that, the progress I have made in transition, healing some other important familial relationships, and progress in my career goals makes me feel that now, at 27, I have a clearer and more accessible idea of what I want in my life than I have ever had. Except, that is, for in my relationship with my mother. My wife and I are having a party in August to celebrate our marriage, some family are coming but mostly our friends. I invited my mom because I didn't want her to feel rejected by NOT being invited to the wedding party, but to be honest I don't really want her there.
Last week, she sent me a rambling email about a recent phone argument with my uncle, basically seeking reassurance that her family values her, and asking if I really want her at my wedding, because she feels overwhelmed by the task of making logistical plans to come here, and doesn't want to make the trip if she isn't wanted, understandable. She also asked for us to heal our relationship and talked about how sad she feels at its current state. I avoided the email for a few days because I didn't know what to say and she emailed me a couple more times. Finally I replied that I didn't think she should come to our wedding party because I didn't feel that we were in a good enough place to have a good time in a group context together, and recommended that she attend PFLAG or some other support group for parents of trans children, and she might be able to learn from others how to have a respectful relationship with her adult trans child. I finished by saying that I would feel ready to work on our relationship when she could show me with an apology that she understood what she had done wrong in the past and wouldn't repeat those patterns. I also said that I felt her prioritizing her own feelings about my transition represented a pattern of her feelings dominating our relationship. I wasn't satisfied with her response, which included a general 'sorry I made mistakes' and defensiveness about her self-centeredness. She has since sent me a couple more upset emails about how much she misses me, how much she wants to work on things, how her perspective on gender identity has changed from working with high schoolers in SF, etc. I don't feel that it would be prudent for me to offer her much more without some more tangible demonstration from her of a shift in perspective. The main thing that makes me doubt her is that she is still with the same partner she has been with for the past five or so years, who is a pretty explicit transphobe. I feel lost when I try to imagine how to improve things with her without considerable self-sacrifice.
If you have stayed with me through this, thank you! I am not totally sure what I am looking for, but I guess primarily insights from people who have experienced or witnessed similar dynamics in their own families. I feel there is a lot to admire about my mom, but I simply cannot find it in myself to respect her. I think any relationship I could have with her would necessarily be for her benefit because she has very little to offer me, and I don't know if I feel like doing that for her. I have talked extensively to my friends, wife, and at different times, therapists about my mom, and while in the past I felt absolutely that I didn't want to speak with her, I now feel conflicted.
It's normal to feel conflicted, it's harder to part ways with a family member who's trying to pull you back in - even when there's nothing in the relationship for you.
A few years ago I went no contact with my mother under different circumstances, but there's a lot of similarities. I do not miss that relationship - there was nothing for me in the relationship. Any effort I put into it was for her benefit alone.
After several sessions with a therapist about it, I finally wrote a letter of what I would have said if I was going to justify it to her. (I did not send it.) That helped me 1) clarify to myself that if I kept talking to my mother it would not be for me at all and 2) get some closure.
You don't owe anyone else a relationship. If there's nothing in it for you, don't do it.
posted by jzb at 5:51 PM on July 16, 2022
A few years ago I went no contact with my mother under different circumstances, but there's a lot of similarities. I do not miss that relationship - there was nothing for me in the relationship. Any effort I put into it was for her benefit alone.
After several sessions with a therapist about it, I finally wrote a letter of what I would have said if I was going to justify it to her. (I did not send it.) That helped me 1) clarify to myself that if I kept talking to my mother it would not be for me at all and 2) get some closure.
You don't owe anyone else a relationship. If there's nothing in it for you, don't do it.
posted by jzb at 5:51 PM on July 16, 2022
Yikes. I don't know the answer. (My relationship with my mother is challenging, but for very different reasons.) That you can love and learn from someone without respecting their opinions or pretending too has been a useful mantra for me. Best wishes and congratulations on all the good things.
posted by eotvos at 6:10 PM on July 16, 2022
posted by eotvos at 6:10 PM on July 16, 2022
while in the past I felt absolutely that I didn't want to speak with her, I now feel conflicted.
It sounds like you've done a lot of good work here and I think you did a great job having a genuine conversation with your mom about her being at your wedding celebration. And she didn't really step up. Which is disappointing. I agree with MR above which is that your mom sounds like a narcissist. I don't have a similar story in terms of my identity but I definitely had an N-Mom who was always bugging me that I was "making her feel bad" because I didn't put up with her poor treatment of me. But I get it, it feels weird/bad to feel you're making your mom feel bad even if you do not agree with that narrative.
I wound up having a decent arms-length relationship with my mom before she died and that was good for me but she also mostly wasn't denying who I was which I think would make it more difficult. I think for you I might do a few things
1. table the wedding celebration invitation for now "Mom I'm not really feeling like you are in a place where you can honor my relationship without making it all about you. Let's maybe try later but not now."
2. Do not open yourself up to having to interact with her transphobe partner for any reason. Your mom can work on her relationship with you (and possibly understand why it's not ok that her partner is not okay to you) solo
3. If you're feeling like working on it with her after the wedding celebration, you can make that decision but for now I'd just be filtering her emails into somewhere where I'd only look if I was feeling "up for it"
Your mom may never understand how she's centering herself in you own stories, or maybe one day she might. She may have budged a little from where she was, but that doesn't mean it has to be okay with you or that there isn't much more room for her to learn things. And you don't have to decide now. Have a party with your friends that doesn't have you worrying if your mom is going to ruin it. If you decide to reach out to her later (or not) that can be another process entirely.
posted by jessamyn at 8:15 PM on July 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you've done a lot of good work here and I think you did a great job having a genuine conversation with your mom about her being at your wedding celebration. And she didn't really step up. Which is disappointing. I agree with MR above which is that your mom sounds like a narcissist. I don't have a similar story in terms of my identity but I definitely had an N-Mom who was always bugging me that I was "making her feel bad" because I didn't put up with her poor treatment of me. But I get it, it feels weird/bad to feel you're making your mom feel bad even if you do not agree with that narrative.
I wound up having a decent arms-length relationship with my mom before she died and that was good for me but she also mostly wasn't denying who I was which I think would make it more difficult. I think for you I might do a few things
1. table the wedding celebration invitation for now "Mom I'm not really feeling like you are in a place where you can honor my relationship without making it all about you. Let's maybe try later but not now."
2. Do not open yourself up to having to interact with her transphobe partner for any reason. Your mom can work on her relationship with you (and possibly understand why it's not ok that her partner is not okay to you) solo
3. If you're feeling like working on it with her after the wedding celebration, you can make that decision but for now I'd just be filtering her emails into somewhere where I'd only look if I was feeling "up for it"
Your mom may never understand how she's centering herself in you own stories, or maybe one day she might. She may have budged a little from where she was, but that doesn't mean it has to be okay with you or that there isn't much more room for her to learn things. And you don't have to decide now. Have a party with your friends that doesn't have you worrying if your mom is going to ruin it. If you decide to reach out to her later (or not) that can be another process entirely.
posted by jessamyn at 8:15 PM on July 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
It was so sad to read that you are sorry that you can't make your mom happy. It's tragic that you think that way, because making any person happy is beyond your control.
To add to the good advice above, the thing that jumps out at me from your question is how much you want your mom to be there for you, how much you want her love, and how much you want her to change. And you do see some ways she has changed, so you have hope. So I'd ask you to think through one question:
What kind of relationship would you want with your mom if you knew that she will never, ever, ever change?
Because she won't change - not really, not deeply. I'm sorry that's true, but accepting it may help you think about what *you* want.
posted by medusa at 10:20 PM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
To add to the good advice above, the thing that jumps out at me from your question is how much you want your mom to be there for you, how much you want her love, and how much you want her to change. And you do see some ways she has changed, so you have hope. So I'd ask you to think through one question:
What kind of relationship would you want with your mom if you knew that she will never, ever, ever change?
Because she won't change - not really, not deeply. I'm sorry that's true, but accepting it may help you think about what *you* want.
posted by medusa at 10:20 PM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I am going to second many of MollyRealized's recommendations, especially the emotionally immature books.
You may want to read some books on Boundaries, specifically by Anne Katherine. This may allow you to create some rules about what you would like the relationship to be like going forward.
Jerry Wise talks about parentification, co-dependency, enmeshment (a parent seeing you not as a person but an extension of themselves), and becoming more of yourself. He's a counselor and he has experienced these things personally. You may find his video Overcoming Systems Feelings (guilt, shame, sadness over difficult relationships) useful, among others. Note, he was a former pastor, but he keeps the religious talk out of his videos unless explicitly stated.
You may also like reddit's Estranged Adult Child even if you are in regular or low contact.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 2:34 AM on July 17, 2022
You may want to read some books on Boundaries, specifically by Anne Katherine. This may allow you to create some rules about what you would like the relationship to be like going forward.
Jerry Wise talks about parentification, co-dependency, enmeshment (a parent seeing you not as a person but an extension of themselves), and becoming more of yourself. He's a counselor and he has experienced these things personally. You may find his video Overcoming Systems Feelings (guilt, shame, sadness over difficult relationships) useful, among others. Note, he was a former pastor, but he keeps the religious talk out of his videos unless explicitly stated.
You may also like reddit's Estranged Adult Child even if you are in regular or low contact.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 2:34 AM on July 17, 2022
I went no contact with both my parents for similar relationship issues. It was hard at first, and took a couple a false - starts before I was really able to draw that boundary with certainty and finality. But once I did, this enormous weight lifted off me and honestly I've felt so much better knowing I'll never have to deal with them again.
I definitely agree that a good therapist can help sort out your feelings but it's not a necessary precursor to taking this step. It sucks to really acknowledge how toxic a parent is, but keep in mind in those low moments that the loss you feel cannot be cured by a toxic person. And if you feel guilty about their unhappiness in losing you, remind yourself that actions have consequences, and that they made choices (and will continue to) that devalue you as a person. And we don't owe people like that anything.
Best of luck. I know this is a hard place to be in.
posted by ananci at 7:58 AM on July 17, 2022
I definitely agree that a good therapist can help sort out your feelings but it's not a necessary precursor to taking this step. It sucks to really acknowledge how toxic a parent is, but keep in mind in those low moments that the loss you feel cannot be cured by a toxic person. And if you feel guilty about their unhappiness in losing you, remind yourself that actions have consequences, and that they made choices (and will continue to) that devalue you as a person. And we don't owe people like that anything.
Best of luck. I know this is a hard place to be in.
posted by ananci at 7:58 AM on July 17, 2022
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your responses. A lot of resources here are familiar to me, but it's helpful to be reminded of them. I ended up reiterating to my mother what would allow me to move forward with her, and telling her that I didn't think we were in a place to work on our relationship. I read 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' a few years ago and it helped me with my initial decision to distance myself from my mom. I'm going to look into the author's other books, and read about enmeshment because that sounds like what's going on with my mom.
I've been through the 'accepting that she won't change' process a few times, and I think what I am struggling with most is that her recent contact feels like she is offering to change, but I know her capacity for that is very limited. If anyone has specific thoughts or advice on that situation, I'd be interested to hear it.
posted by Summers at 3:10 PM on July 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've been through the 'accepting that she won't change' process a few times, and I think what I am struggling with most is that her recent contact feels like she is offering to change, but I know her capacity for that is very limited. If anyone has specific thoughts or advice on that situation, I'd be interested to hear it.
posted by Summers at 3:10 PM on July 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Second, there's no right or wrong way to approach this. I hope with time that everything seems clearer and even easier one day. Some resources I recommend are the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults (definitely applicable), DoctorRamani on YouTube (narcissism insight that may apply), Psychology in Seattle (any videos or podcasts that may relate), and Nedra Tawwab (book and Instagram for boundary work.) I have found all of these to be helpful to me in different ways and maybe you'll find something helpful for you, too.
Third, I believe that your mom has, indeed, made progress on understanding trans identities due to her life experience and interactions. People can and do change but the question is if it's enough for you. It sounds like it isn't enough based on her choice of partner and beyond. Likewise, you can choose to accept her apologies or decide she can never ever do enough to make up for her awful treatment of you when you were younger. Regardless, I think she will always be very self-focused, perhaps simply very immature due to unprocessed trauma or even on the narcissist spectrum. Therefore, you will likely always have to deal with a lot of bullshit and manage her reactions in addition to yours. Perhaps if she were to do therapy on her own with a willingness to really go deep and then even virtual family therapy with you, you two could really get somewhere. But do you want to put that work in when you're already so hurt? Only you can know.
I think a therapist who specializes in all of this could really help as well as your partner's insights, more than any of us could being on outside of everything. Your wife knows your family history and she knows how you react so I would say she's the best ally in all of this, as you know of course!
The wedding thing is hard. It sounds like your mom knows she can be a pain, which is certainly something positive even if it's annoying too. You don't want her there so tell her not to come. It will be a disappointment to you both but also a relief. You can always tell your mom you would prefer to host her for a short visit -- even at a hotel or motel -- after the wedding. And do a lot of therapy on boundaries beforehand to review what you want and what you will and won't accept. Again, there's no right or wrong but rather what you want. I think there's hope for an improved relationship one day and that she's open to doing at least some work. The question is if you're ready. It sounds like you aren't yet but are open to it one day. And that's a good answer as any. I don't know if this is useful because it's not really an anecdote but hopefully it's got one or two things that might help you think things through. I wish you luck and, again, congratulations!
posted by smorgasbord at 5:50 PM on July 16, 2022 [3 favorites]