I FORGOT!!! My Partner's Birthday
July 15, 2022 11:28 AM Subscribe
I completely forgot my partner's birthday last week and didn't figure it out until yesterday. What now?
We've been together 15 years. I love my person. I am the "celebration person" in our relationship - I like cake. They don't really care. (usually) They didn't say anything - but I have hurt their feelings.
I feel horrible. Also I am not generally forgetful like this. So part of this is - oops I fucked up in my relationship and also - uh, do I need to get my brain checked out?
What should I do here? I can't figure out if doing something now (dinner/cake/present) will make it better or worse?
We've been together 15 years. I love my person. I am the "celebration person" in our relationship - I like cake. They don't really care. (usually) They didn't say anything - but I have hurt their feelings.
I feel horrible. Also I am not generally forgetful like this. So part of this is - oops I fucked up in my relationship and also - uh, do I need to get my brain checked out?
What should I do here? I can't figure out if doing something now (dinner/cake/present) will make it better or worse?
Your person is not my person, but in my experience, doing something -- with some contrition -- will probably make it better.
posted by gauche at 11:37 AM on July 15, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by gauche at 11:37 AM on July 15, 2022 [9 favorites]
Have you acknowledged to your partner that you forgot their birthday and that you know you messed up? I think that's the first step. Then ask them what they want. I think the only way doing something would "make it worse" is if it's clear that the primary purpose of "doing something" is to assuage your own guilty feelings, but as long as you keep things centered on your partner I think you'll be OK.
posted by mskyle at 11:37 AM on July 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 11:37 AM on July 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh, no! I'm so sorry. It could happen to anyone, so everybody should get forgiven for at least one of these. One possibly pale-seeming comfort is that you won't do this again any time soon. I would definitely belatedly do all of the birthday things.
You know, I kind of think your partner might've let you know at least by the next day so you could've recouped sooner. But partner also should get forgiven because this stuff is so fraught and birthday feelings are so tender.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:39 AM on July 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
You know, I kind of think your partner might've let you know at least by the next day so you could've recouped sooner. But partner also should get forgiven because this stuff is so fraught and birthday feelings are so tender.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:39 AM on July 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think the first step here is to actually tell them what you wrote here. You forgot, you feel terrible, you'd like to make it up to them. And maybe that will help them share whether they felt hurt etc.?
This is okay. It happens. You'll talk through it, and you'll do something extra nice, and they'll get to bring this up and hold it over your head in like the next three arguments you have, plus maybe they'll get to joke about it at your expense for maybe a year, by which time you will have something to hold over their head and rib them about too, ba da bing, ba da boom, life goes on.
posted by MiraK at 11:44 AM on July 15, 2022 [14 favorites]
This is okay. It happens. You'll talk through it, and you'll do something extra nice, and they'll get to bring this up and hold it over your head in like the next three arguments you have, plus maybe they'll get to joke about it at your expense for maybe a year, by which time you will have something to hold over their head and rib them about too, ba da bing, ba da boom, life goes on.
posted by MiraK at 11:44 AM on July 15, 2022 [14 favorites]
Absolutely acknowledge it! I did something similar to my partner of 7 years. I acknowledged that I forgot and apologized and then I made a decorated and hand-written list of all the reasons I loved him. He ended up framing it and hanging it lol and I was forgiven. Just do something to show you're sorry and care. We're all fallible and life is stressful right now.
posted by Saucywench at 11:45 AM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Saucywench at 11:45 AM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Now is also a great time to set up a recurring calendar notification so this doesn't happen again next year.
posted by Diskeater at 11:45 AM on July 15, 2022 [22 favorites]
posted by Diskeater at 11:45 AM on July 15, 2022 [22 favorites]
Dude, I forgot my MOTHER'S 70th birthday. You are far from the only person to have done something like this. I don't think that this is a sign your relationship is suffering or that you're having neurological problems - I think this is just a one-time "shit happens" kind of thing, but the shit just happens to have more personal stakes.
A sincere apology to your partner along with a spendier-than-usual or a flashier-than-usual celebratory thing will help, and then make a BIG ass note to remind yourself of your anniversary so you don't forget THAT.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:46 AM on July 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
A sincere apology to your partner along with a spendier-than-usual or a flashier-than-usual celebratory thing will help, and then make a BIG ass note to remind yourself of your anniversary so you don't forget THAT.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:46 AM on July 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
Contrition, not excuses nor explanations.
posted by Sunburnt at 12:23 PM on July 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Sunburnt at 12:23 PM on July 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
Give them a handwritten card right now, apologize, explain you've been distracted by *gestures around* but you want to make it up to them asap and you love them.
It's hard being a functioning human right now. I'll bet they understand this.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:23 PM on July 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's hard being a functioning human right now. I'll bet they understand this.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:23 PM on July 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
In my relationship the birthday haver is the planner/scheduler for the birthday event (dinner, a trip, whatever). If I said nothing about my birthday to my partner and they forgot it, I wouldn't really put that on them. I can be ambivalent about birthday stuff.
If you have apologized, asked them what they would like to do & followed through on the ask, I think that covers it. If they are still upset, it's up to partner to sort out their feelings. Hopefully they are not taking it out on you.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:41 PM on July 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you have apologized, asked them what they would like to do & followed through on the ask, I think that covers it. If they are still upset, it's up to partner to sort out their feelings. Hopefully they are not taking it out on you.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:41 PM on July 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
My whole family forgot my 16th -- 16th!!! -- birthday. My mother was distraught when she realized it. I got over it pretty quickly. Obviously, I didn't forget, but it's no longer a source of hurt, and hasn't been for decades and decades.
Your partner will forgive you. Shit happens.
posted by Dolley at 12:58 PM on July 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
Your partner will forgive you. Shit happens.
posted by Dolley at 12:58 PM on July 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Main thing is don't let yourself make this about you.
Keep the focus on them when you apologize with honesty and humility while providing them with some kind of birthday gift/dinner/heartfelt hand-drawn card. Don't spend the convo talking about what a jerk you are let alone your memory problems.
(It's fine to bring up the memory problems later, "Hey, I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, like my keys this morning and last month I couldn't believe I forgot your birthday. Have you noticed any difference? I'm getting a little worried.")
Sorry, this must feel like shit! But we all fuck up - that's a fact of life. Your job is not to be perfect but to make sure it doesn't become a pattern.
posted by latkes at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
Keep the focus on them when you apologize with honesty and humility while providing them with some kind of birthday gift/dinner/heartfelt hand-drawn card. Don't spend the convo talking about what a jerk you are let alone your memory problems.
(It's fine to bring up the memory problems later, "Hey, I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, like my keys this morning and last month I couldn't believe I forgot your birthday. Have you noticed any difference? I'm getting a little worried.")
Sorry, this must feel like shit! But we all fuck up - that's a fact of life. Your job is not to be perfect but to make sure it doesn't become a pattern.
posted by latkes at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
Just for the sake of a little perspective--I have forgotten my own birthday. People who say they don't care often actually, in fact, REALLY do not care.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 2:58 PM on July 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 2:58 PM on July 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
I would just plan them a surprise party asap. Book dinner at a nice patio for this coming Tuesday (nobody expects Tuesday!), invite 10 friends, and make a little speech about how great they are. You can talk about the forgetting later but I would celebrate the bday asap since bdays get “stale” the longer you wait.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:47 PM on July 15, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:47 PM on July 15, 2022
Sing Or Swim, that made me laugh. That’ll be me one day too. I’ve come close.
Depends on what kind of person your partner is, and you’re best placed to judge that. If Mrs B did this to me, all I’d personally want is honesty, and reassurance that it wasn’t because she didn’t care — just a natural human screw-up. “I completely forgot, and I can’t believe I did this to the most important person in my life. I’m sorry.” Plus, maybe a date night, to just wallow reassuringly in each other’s company. (Present, for me, would forever be a slightly sad monument to the weird feelings. YMMV.)
I… honestly don’t know whether that’s all my beloved would want from me. I and my calendar reminders are going to try hard to make sure I never have to find out.
Unless this is part of a recent pattern, I shouldn’t worry that there’s something wrong with you. Lots of great examples from others already — just because that’s usually not you, doesn’t mean it can never be you.
Oh, and when your person forgives you, for Heaven’s sake forgive yourself too.
posted by breakfast burrito at 5:12 PM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Depends on what kind of person your partner is, and you’re best placed to judge that. If Mrs B did this to me, all I’d personally want is honesty, and reassurance that it wasn’t because she didn’t care — just a natural human screw-up. “I completely forgot, and I can’t believe I did this to the most important person in my life. I’m sorry.” Plus, maybe a date night, to just wallow reassuringly in each other’s company. (Present, for me, would forever be a slightly sad monument to the weird feelings. YMMV.)
I… honestly don’t know whether that’s all my beloved would want from me. I and my calendar reminders are going to try hard to make sure I never have to find out.
Unless this is part of a recent pattern, I shouldn’t worry that there’s something wrong with you. Lots of great examples from others already — just because that’s usually not you, doesn’t mean it can never be you.
Oh, and when your person forgives you, for Heaven’s sake forgive yourself too.
posted by breakfast burrito at 5:12 PM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Yes, just honesty and making it up will be fine.
My wife forgot our first wedding anniversary. It became a great joke, because of course it gave me carte blanche to forget any future anniversary for the rest of time 🤣 (I didn't, but it was good knowing I'd be ok if I did)
posted by tillsbury at 1:06 AM on July 17, 2022
My wife forgot our first wedding anniversary. It became a great joke, because of course it gave me carte blanche to forget any future anniversary for the rest of time 🤣 (I didn't, but it was good knowing I'd be ok if I did)
posted by tillsbury at 1:06 AM on July 17, 2022
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