How to deal with someone who is not dead, yet not coming back?
July 1, 2022 2:33 AM Subscribe
A person I know was arrested for a serious crime last month. How do I deal with this?
I need to be vague about this to avoid details being identifiable, but: it was a crime that will carry a significant sentence, they told the authorities at the scene that it was their fault so there is no possibility of acquittal, and stress/mental health was a big mitigating factor - so it's not 'this person wasn't who we thought they were' so much as 'things could have been different if only X, Y or X....'
I knew this person on a professional basis but also got on very well with them as a friend, and I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that they are most likely not returning and it is possible I will not see or hear from them again. There has been press coverage with some quite upsetting details (the crime did not occur in the country in which I live and reporting restrictions seem to be different there). I was last in contact with them a month beforehand, by SMS message, and mostly discussed something that was going on with me, and I never called their cell later as I planned the week before the incident. There have been online comments from people who are focussing on the incident and not the situation, which is difficult to read, and also makes me feel guilty for not taking into account that they unequivocably did a bad thing. Eventually the trial will be covered in the press there, and potentially in this country too as they are a national of it, and it turns out 'just ignore it' doesn't work for me because I tend to deal with things on my mind by trying to work out what the solution is.
I cannot contact them at present but I find myself googling the place they are held to work out what situation they are in, or having the same conversations over and over again, or thinking maybe it will mean that they will get the help they need because mental health provision is expensive in that country, or whether it's even worse when incarcerated, or wondering if I'm making it about how I'm feeling and not the horrible thing that happened, to feeling like I'm grieving for someone who isn't dead yet. Would it be inappropriate to contact them to tell them I'm at least thinking of them, or would this be a reminder of "the old life"? How do I deal with returning to the professional environment where I would see them? What happens to them if and when they leave incarceration? What can I do just now to start to deal with this?
I need to be vague about this to avoid details being identifiable, but: it was a crime that will carry a significant sentence, they told the authorities at the scene that it was their fault so there is no possibility of acquittal, and stress/mental health was a big mitigating factor - so it's not 'this person wasn't who we thought they were' so much as 'things could have been different if only X, Y or X....'
I knew this person on a professional basis but also got on very well with them as a friend, and I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that they are most likely not returning and it is possible I will not see or hear from them again. There has been press coverage with some quite upsetting details (the crime did not occur in the country in which I live and reporting restrictions seem to be different there). I was last in contact with them a month beforehand, by SMS message, and mostly discussed something that was going on with me, and I never called their cell later as I planned the week before the incident. There have been online comments from people who are focussing on the incident and not the situation, which is difficult to read, and also makes me feel guilty for not taking into account that they unequivocably did a bad thing. Eventually the trial will be covered in the press there, and potentially in this country too as they are a national of it, and it turns out 'just ignore it' doesn't work for me because I tend to deal with things on my mind by trying to work out what the solution is.
I cannot contact them at present but I find myself googling the place they are held to work out what situation they are in, or having the same conversations over and over again, or thinking maybe it will mean that they will get the help they need because mental health provision is expensive in that country, or whether it's even worse when incarcerated, or wondering if I'm making it about how I'm feeling and not the horrible thing that happened, to feeling like I'm grieving for someone who isn't dead yet. Would it be inappropriate to contact them to tell them I'm at least thinking of them, or would this be a reminder of "the old life"? How do I deal with returning to the professional environment where I would see them? What happens to them if and when they leave incarceration? What can I do just now to start to deal with this?
A letter of even gentle support could be a lifeline for this person. Obviously it's hard to speak specifically without even knowing what country, but jail or prison is in practice very often its own special hellhole, a "punishment" beyond any any just society would admit it's inflicting. So simply knowing that one other person still thinks of them as a human being and not just a crime or a suitable object for punishment can be very valuable. Just be careful not to set up any expectations for the future that you may not be able to honor.
Don't feel bad because you care about someone you know, no matter what the situation is. You do not have to feel obliged to weigh them in the balance and pass judgement, that is very literally someone else's job right now.
Yes.
posted by praemunire at 7:38 AM on July 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
Don't feel bad because you care about someone you know, no matter what the situation is. You do not have to feel obliged to weigh them in the balance and pass judgement, that is very literally someone else's job right now.
Yes.
posted by praemunire at 7:38 AM on July 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
You might find some perspective in Amy Butcher's book Visiting Hours, which is about her complicated friendship with a fellow college student who later murdered his girlfriend. It's a thoughtful, sometimes wrenching book that would seem to touch on some of the issues you mention.
Full disclosure: I also know, or used to know, that murderer, as he was once my student. So I've had some of the same worries and feelings that you are currently experiencing.
Years ago, I heard Amy Butcher talking about her book on NPR, and reached out to her to trade thoughts about our shared experience. I think it was helpful for both of us. I've lost touch with her, so I wouldn't call her a friend, exactly, but we have a connection.
posted by Dr. Wu at 9:49 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Full disclosure: I also know, or used to know, that murderer, as he was once my student. So I've had some of the same worries and feelings that you are currently experiencing.
Years ago, I heard Amy Butcher talking about her book on NPR, and reached out to her to trade thoughts about our shared experience. I think it was helpful for both of us. I've lost touch with her, so I wouldn't call her a friend, exactly, but we have a connection.
posted by Dr. Wu at 9:49 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Overpromising about how much you might stay in contact in the future, or be able to help them is going to be unhelpful. This is particularly the case as it sounds like you’re not sure how you feel about things.
Sorry got distracted.
posted by plonkee at 4:55 AM on July 2, 2022
Sorry got distracted.
posted by plonkee at 4:55 AM on July 2, 2022
Writing to prisoners is a good thing to do. There are many penpal programs because of how beneficial it is. If you aren’t sure what to write, some of them have guidelines or suggestions. But acknowledging them as a person even after doing a heinous thing is a good and kind thing to do that will be helpful.
posted by Bottlecap at 2:23 PM on July 2, 2022
posted by Bottlecap at 2:23 PM on July 2, 2022
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It's a Metafilter cliche, but really I think your best bet is getting therapy or counselling. This is clearly a big deal, and I think it will be difficult for a non-professional to hear you without overlaying their own thoughts and morality onto the everything.
There is probably a charity which supports foreign prisoners in the country in question. If so, they probably have information about how things work. Or if you want to help at more of an arms-length you could support that charity.
Countries vary a lot in how different kinds of crimes are treated both in law and in practice and the justice system can really work in quite different ways in different places. Whether a conviction is likely or what sentence might be given could be radically different either way from the expectations in your home country. You might find it helpful to understand what the process is there, or the range of possible outcomes.
Don't feel bad because you care about someone you know, no matter what the situation is. You do not have to feel obliged to weigh them in the balance and pass judgement, that is very literally someone else's job right now.
posted by plonkee at 3:16 AM on July 1, 2022 [8 favorites]