Should I try to get in touch with my son?
June 30, 2022 7:25 AM Subscribe
I haven't spoken to my 26 year old son since he was 15. Should I try to get in touch with him? Or should I just leave him alone to live his life?
I won't get into the full details, because I'm afraid I will over-justify my absence. However, just be clear: there was never physical, sexual or verbal abuse by me. But my absence likely caused trauma, which I would very much consider psychological abuse.
As I said, my son is 26 years old. I was around for the first 2 years. I moved away, and was in regular contact with him and his mother (visits every 3-4 months, phone calls, letters) until he was 7. After that, I only communicated sporadically. The last time we spoke was in 2011, after my mother died. I would send him emails, but he never sent a response. I stopped sending him emails on his birthday about 5 years ago, because it just made me sad. I just want him to know that I always loved him. That I never forgot about him. And let him rage at me if that's what he needs to do.
My father and I had a similar history, but the timeframes were different. No contact from birth to 8 years old. Then sporadic contact until I was 15. After I turned 18, we had regular contact until his death when I was 26. He really regretted his absence. I'm glad for the time we had together, even after so long an absence. But I never really got to know him. Not really. Because in all of our contact, he never tried to get to really know me. And there was always a barrier because of that.
I want to know my son. And I know it's selfish. And I don't think I deserve it. But I still want to. We are friends on Facebook, but it's an old profile, which hasn't been updated since 2011. I messaged him there long ago, but he never replied. I found his other profile, and was able to see some of his public posts. And it just made me so happy to see photos of him. His sister and I are friends on Facebook, but we've never spoken, not as adults. (she's a year younger than he is). I've thought about reaching out to her.
I'm not holding out hope that I can go from biological parent to "Dad". I sure would love that, but I know it's not about me. Or maybe my wanting to get in contact IS about me.
I've wanted to reach out to him for so long, but I get overcome by shame. So I wonder if I should I just leave him be, or try and contact him.
I'm really sorry if this post is triggering for anyone that reads it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
I won't get into the full details, because I'm afraid I will over-justify my absence. However, just be clear: there was never physical, sexual or verbal abuse by me. But my absence likely caused trauma, which I would very much consider psychological abuse.
As I said, my son is 26 years old. I was around for the first 2 years. I moved away, and was in regular contact with him and his mother (visits every 3-4 months, phone calls, letters) until he was 7. After that, I only communicated sporadically. The last time we spoke was in 2011, after my mother died. I would send him emails, but he never sent a response. I stopped sending him emails on his birthday about 5 years ago, because it just made me sad. I just want him to know that I always loved him. That I never forgot about him. And let him rage at me if that's what he needs to do.
My father and I had a similar history, but the timeframes were different. No contact from birth to 8 years old. Then sporadic contact until I was 15. After I turned 18, we had regular contact until his death when I was 26. He really regretted his absence. I'm glad for the time we had together, even after so long an absence. But I never really got to know him. Not really. Because in all of our contact, he never tried to get to really know me. And there was always a barrier because of that.
I want to know my son. And I know it's selfish. And I don't think I deserve it. But I still want to. We are friends on Facebook, but it's an old profile, which hasn't been updated since 2011. I messaged him there long ago, but he never replied. I found his other profile, and was able to see some of his public posts. And it just made me so happy to see photos of him. His sister and I are friends on Facebook, but we've never spoken, not as adults. (she's a year younger than he is). I've thought about reaching out to her.
I'm not holding out hope that I can go from biological parent to "Dad". I sure would love that, but I know it's not about me. Or maybe my wanting to get in contact IS about me.
I've wanted to reach out to him for so long, but I get overcome by shame. So I wonder if I should I just leave him be, or try and contact him.
I'm really sorry if this post is triggering for anyone that reads it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
My first question is whether you are now in a place where you feel capable, willing and dedicated to sustaining a relationship with your son. Realistically - if you reach out and your son is like "yeah, would love to get to know you / establish a real relationship" - are you going to reliably "be there" or fade after some period of time?
Be super, super honest with yourself on this. If you dig deep and think there's a good chance this will fade, don't reach out.
If something in your situation has genuinely changed and you really are capable of sustaining a relationship, then maybe.
If your son knows how to reach you via email, phone, etc. and isn't doing so - then that's an indicator they have moved on and it seems more about you than them. Ask yourself - what do you have to offer in this situation that they don't already have?
They are an adult by now. You can't retroactively supply the parenting they needed as a child.
They are at an age where they're building out their adult life - why should they make space for you in it? I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously ask whether there's a good reason for them to do so outside of feelings of familial obligation.
For whatever reasons - when they needed your presence and parenting, they didn't get it. Your desire to know your child is understandable - but they don't owe you that. They can offer it if they want - and maybe they want to know you as well - but if they have a way to reach you and haven't, that's a sign they don't care to.
If you reach out, do everything you can to be as non-disruptive as possible. Put the offer out there, be very clear about why you're reaching out and what commitment you are making - including a commitment to respect their "no contact" if that's the route they choose. Forever.
Please understand I'm not trying to beat you up here for what you have or haven't done in the past - it's done and can't be altered. But you can try to make the best decisions now and take responsibility for them going forward.
posted by jzb at 7:50 AM on June 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
Be super, super honest with yourself on this. If you dig deep and think there's a good chance this will fade, don't reach out.
If something in your situation has genuinely changed and you really are capable of sustaining a relationship, then maybe.
If your son knows how to reach you via email, phone, etc. and isn't doing so - then that's an indicator they have moved on and it seems more about you than them. Ask yourself - what do you have to offer in this situation that they don't already have?
They are an adult by now. You can't retroactively supply the parenting they needed as a child.
They are at an age where they're building out their adult life - why should they make space for you in it? I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously ask whether there's a good reason for them to do so outside of feelings of familial obligation.
For whatever reasons - when they needed your presence and parenting, they didn't get it. Your desire to know your child is understandable - but they don't owe you that. They can offer it if they want - and maybe they want to know you as well - but if they have a way to reach you and haven't, that's a sign they don't care to.
If you reach out, do everything you can to be as non-disruptive as possible. Put the offer out there, be very clear about why you're reaching out and what commitment you are making - including a commitment to respect their "no contact" if that's the route they choose. Forever.
Please understand I'm not trying to beat you up here for what you have or haven't done in the past - it's done and can't be altered. But you can try to make the best decisions now and take responsibility for them going forward.
posted by jzb at 7:50 AM on June 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
I am an adult who grew up without much in the way of a dad. I went through a period of my life when I hated him, but I've since gotten over that and now it's more a case of "I have no use for him." Like you, he was not abusive in any physical way, just mostly absent and useless. When he was there he was often drunk and always angry. Aside from showing up at my wedding and when my kid was born, he was never really there for any significant event in my life. My daughter hardly knows him.
He also grew up without a dad, a fact that was often pointed out to me by others as some sort of excuse. I'm living proof that that is a bad excuse. I'm not a perfect father but I'm there for my kid. When I had a child I was absolutely determined to be a better father that he was. I don't often compliment myself, but I'm a pretty involved father. Cycles can be broken.
I've been in contact with my dad a bit more than you have, about once every four Christmases the guilt builds up and I give him a call. I can't remember the last time I called him on Father's Day. Recently he had a scare that put him in the ICU with a very good chance he may not leave (he's better now) and my thoughts were not "oh shit my dad might die" but "shit my dad might die and I won't be able to go to New York this weekend." I felt nothing. While I know six months after he eventually dies I'll probably have some sort of breakdown, at the time It was only inconvenience, not tragedy. My wife and I visited him him the hospital and he didn't even recognize us. He was a bit out of it and we had masks on but still.
It would mean a whole lot to me if my dad contacted me and said "I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I taught you nothing, was never there for you, never gave you advice about anything at all, and didn't even teach you how to shave. I'm sorry I was useless."
It would mean a LOT.
Though I'm not sure what I'd do with that information. I'm 52, it's a bit too late to build our relationship. In fact I don't want to build a relationship. I came this far without a dad, having one now would probably just throw a monkey wrench into the works. No thanks.
Your kid is 26. It may not be too late. Contact them, be specific about what your intentions are, but let him make the next move. And then if he contacts you back, earn the right to be his father again. Talk to him, tell him your story. Let him get to know you. Contact with my dad is "how have you been? Good. Ok, bye." I know nothing at all about the man. I would kind of like to know a bit.
This is, of course, about me, not about your son. Your son may not react the way I would. All you can do is try though. I, for one, would appreciate it if my dad at least made the effort. He won't, because he's kind of a useless piece of shit. Maybe if you make the effort your son will, at the very least, appreciate that you tried and when you die he may think a bit better of you.
As for the shame, I get that but it's only going to get worse. Don't let your fear hold you back from something you need to do. Be a dad, and get over it. Set an example for your son.
Good luck. As a kid in similar shoes as your son, it's kind of nice to know there are some absent dads out there who at least feel bad about it.
posted by bondcliff at 7:54 AM on June 30, 2022 [53 favorites]
He also grew up without a dad, a fact that was often pointed out to me by others as some sort of excuse. I'm living proof that that is a bad excuse. I'm not a perfect father but I'm there for my kid. When I had a child I was absolutely determined to be a better father that he was. I don't often compliment myself, but I'm a pretty involved father. Cycles can be broken.
I've been in contact with my dad a bit more than you have, about once every four Christmases the guilt builds up and I give him a call. I can't remember the last time I called him on Father's Day. Recently he had a scare that put him in the ICU with a very good chance he may not leave (he's better now) and my thoughts were not "oh shit my dad might die" but "shit my dad might die and I won't be able to go to New York this weekend." I felt nothing. While I know six months after he eventually dies I'll probably have some sort of breakdown, at the time It was only inconvenience, not tragedy. My wife and I visited him him the hospital and he didn't even recognize us. He was a bit out of it and we had masks on but still.
It would mean a whole lot to me if my dad contacted me and said "I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I taught you nothing, was never there for you, never gave you advice about anything at all, and didn't even teach you how to shave. I'm sorry I was useless."
It would mean a LOT.
Though I'm not sure what I'd do with that information. I'm 52, it's a bit too late to build our relationship. In fact I don't want to build a relationship. I came this far without a dad, having one now would probably just throw a monkey wrench into the works. No thanks.
Your kid is 26. It may not be too late. Contact them, be specific about what your intentions are, but let him make the next move. And then if he contacts you back, earn the right to be his father again. Talk to him, tell him your story. Let him get to know you. Contact with my dad is "how have you been? Good. Ok, bye." I know nothing at all about the man. I would kind of like to know a bit.
This is, of course, about me, not about your son. Your son may not react the way I would. All you can do is try though. I, for one, would appreciate it if my dad at least made the effort. He won't, because he's kind of a useless piece of shit. Maybe if you make the effort your son will, at the very least, appreciate that you tried and when you die he may think a bit better of you.
As for the shame, I get that but it's only going to get worse. Don't let your fear hold you back from something you need to do. Be a dad, and get over it. Set an example for your son.
Good luck. As a kid in similar shoes as your son, it's kind of nice to know there are some absent dads out there who at least feel bad about it.
posted by bondcliff at 7:54 AM on June 30, 2022 [53 favorites]
Speaking both as someone who was in your son's position in a similar dynamic and who is now a parent, if you are going to reach out, do so in such a way that you're offering him something. Don't make it about you. It doesn't have to be something material, could be as simple as friendship, or information - e.g. family history. If he accepts the offer, great, do your best to follow through in a spirit of generosity. If he doesn't, try to respect that choice. And if you're reaching out to your son, reach out to your daughter as well, in the same spirit of generosity. I can imagine contacting one and not the other could create more pain.
In my situation, in my sporadic interactions with my dad it was usually about him, how he felt, and what he wanted, which ultimately wasn't great for either of us. Being a parent is like Christmas, the joy is in the giving.
posted by threecheesetrees at 7:58 AM on June 30, 2022 [16 favorites]
In my situation, in my sporadic interactions with my dad it was usually about him, how he felt, and what he wanted, which ultimately wasn't great for either of us. Being a parent is like Christmas, the joy is in the giving.
posted by threecheesetrees at 7:58 AM on June 30, 2022 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: (thanks for the replies so far. Just for clarity, my son's sister is not my daughter.)
posted by Frottage Cheese at 8:06 AM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Frottage Cheese at 8:06 AM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
My late husband and his dad were estranged starting sometime in my husband's early/mid 20s until just before my husband's death at age 37. I don't know the whole story; I believe my husband cut off his dad rather than the other way around. My husband never wanted to talk about it and I didn't press him. When my husband was dying, he wanted to reach out to his dad and so we did, and they reconnected; his dad came by regularly during the last month or so of my husband's life. I don't think they really resolved anything (my husband had aphasia, so long cathartic conversations were not in the cards) but they were glad to see each other and I know that having his dad around brought my husband comfort in his last few weeks.*
Anyway I think it's worth making an effort. I think in my husband and his dad's case they probably both had a lot of shame (and fear of rejection) around the rift, and I wonder what would have happened if one of them had broken through that shame and taken the risk of being rejected earlier.
*Bonus, now I get an awkward relationship with an in-law I barely know!
posted by mskyle at 8:10 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
Anyway I think it's worth making an effort. I think in my husband and his dad's case they probably both had a lot of shame (and fear of rejection) around the rift, and I wonder what would have happened if one of them had broken through that shame and taken the risk of being rejected earlier.
*Bonus, now I get an awkward relationship with an in-law I barely know!
posted by mskyle at 8:10 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
As someone in roughly your son's shoes - I think you've quite possibly missed the window on this. There was a time in my life when I would have given anything for my father to apologize and show up in even the smallest way in my life. By my mid twenties I had been through plenty of therapy about him and had made my own peace with his inadequacies as a father. His one annual birthday card was actively unwelcome and hurtful. Additional contact would have been worse.
If he's given you no indication that he has any interest in getting to know you, then whatever you do now seems pretty clearly to me to be for you, not for him. And maybe that's fine, if you go in knowing that about yourself. But I think you need to really sit with that and make sure that any approach you make is calibrated carefully to be as little of an imposition on him as possible, to be as truthful and honest as possible about what you can and can't offer him, and to leave him plenty of time and space to respond when or if he wants.
A good therapist could help you figure out how to do this.
posted by Stacey at 8:14 AM on June 30, 2022 [7 favorites]
If he's given you no indication that he has any interest in getting to know you, then whatever you do now seems pretty clearly to me to be for you, not for him. And maybe that's fine, if you go in knowing that about yourself. But I think you need to really sit with that and make sure that any approach you make is calibrated carefully to be as little of an imposition on him as possible, to be as truthful and honest as possible about what you can and can't offer him, and to leave him plenty of time and space to respond when or if he wants.
A good therapist could help you figure out how to do this.
posted by Stacey at 8:14 AM on June 30, 2022 [7 favorites]
You don't know how he feels about you, or what he wants. Do you have contact with someone else who knows him and could offer advice? You don't want to put them in the middle, just respectfully ask their opinion. Please do not pressure this person, and do not pick someone who will pressure your son. They may tell you to fuck off. They may ask your son what they want. You could have them give him your contact information if they think it's appropriate.
If you don't have an appropriate intermediary, I think you can contact him to offer a relationship. Once. Give him your contact information in case he ever wants to reach out. If he declines or doesn't respond, please, do not reach out again.
posted by Garm at 8:24 AM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you don't have an appropriate intermediary, I think you can contact him to offer a relationship. Once. Give him your contact information in case he ever wants to reach out. If he declines or doesn't respond, please, do not reach out again.
posted by Garm at 8:24 AM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
As (yet another) someone who grew up with an absent father, I have no feelings for my father. There's no relationship there I want to have, there are no issues I want to work through. The few times we've been in contact in my adulthood, it was at my mother's urging and I regretted it because he's just some stranger who I have no interest in knowing.
Obviously I have no insight into your son's feelings, but for me, being contacted (again) would be annoying and feel like an obligation I wouldn't want to meet. If you've contacted him before and he didn't respond, and you want to respect his feelings, you should just take the L here.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:36 AM on June 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
Obviously I have no insight into your son's feelings, but for me, being contacted (again) would be annoying and feel like an obligation I wouldn't want to meet. If you've contacted him before and he didn't respond, and you want to respect his feelings, you should just take the L here.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:36 AM on June 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
I’ve had a pretty weird relationship with my dad. He was abusive, but I’m pretty much over that. We talk now, but didn’t for a long time, most of my 20s and 30s. He didn’t go to my wedding. I was mad about stuff and didn’t put much effort in, but like, from my perspective, the reason we didn’t have a relationship is because he didn’t put any effort in either. There’s a line at the end of “The Last Days of Disco” where one of the characters says that he is the kind of guy who’ll take no for an answer, and… that’s my dad. I pulled back, and he took no for an answer. That was the problem in childhood too, but then he was legally obligated to see us, and so he took that out on us. But then one day when I was 36, he made the effort and reached out. We went to lunch, we started texting. I still don’t see him much because I moved out of state, but it’s a pretty normal relationship now.
Every relationship is different, but for me, what I wanted was to feel, well, wanted. It’s worth reaching out, IMO. Be prepared for him to decline, or even ignore, but I think making an effort to show you care is a first step.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:41 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Every relationship is different, but for me, what I wanted was to feel, well, wanted. It’s worth reaching out, IMO. Be prepared for him to decline, or even ignore, but I think making an effort to show you care is a first step.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:41 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Sadly, I can answer this as someone whose own dad disappeared (to his second family) when I was 10, and I am also the mom of 3 kids whose dad vanished from their lives when they were little (except he moved down the street with my eldest's best friend's mother).
So. My now-adult kids have told me that their dad plays no part in their lives. He has reached out to them in the past few years, and they are all okay with social media relationships. They've moved on and he is part of their collective universes as someone they used to know. He is not invited to events and they all note that phone calls are awkward and they need cocktails before talking to him. They don't hold resentment and they've all moved on, but that moving has meant they are choosing to not have a relationship with him.
I do know that when he reached out to the eldest (it was her BFF's mom he moved in with) he was very sorry for disappearing and he was full of reasons to justify never seeing the kids. He first blamed me and said I denied access--she told him she knew that wasn't true, then he said he felt he couldn't be a good father to them. This truly initially infuriated her and her siblings because he left to move in with another woman and HER three kids. So that excuse was ridiculous.
My own dad also tried to get back into my life, and also had similar excuses, but said he always loved me and was sorry he wasn't ever there but he was living his own life. That was pretty hurtful to hear.
Long story and I apologize, but I would just summarize with this: for me and my kids, hearing our absentee fathers say they were sorry but they they always loved us helped us, but not in the way you're hoping.
Their excuses made us understand that our dads were truly fucked up and damaged, and it caused us all to be very, very thankful that they were absent for our childhoods, and then we had the choice to keep them away forever, to block them on social media and to block their numbers. That was powerful because we know that people who love you don't disappear. People who love you don't leave you in poverty. People who love you don't chase their own dreams and leave their families for good. People who love you don't create second families. People who love you don't cross the street when they see you coming.
You have a social media relationship; leave it alone. Your son knows how to find you if ever he desires that. For me and my kids, when our absentee dads reached out, it gave us closure and we all felt good about never talking to them again.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:43 AM on June 30, 2022 [24 favorites]
So. My now-adult kids have told me that their dad plays no part in their lives. He has reached out to them in the past few years, and they are all okay with social media relationships. They've moved on and he is part of their collective universes as someone they used to know. He is not invited to events and they all note that phone calls are awkward and they need cocktails before talking to him. They don't hold resentment and they've all moved on, but that moving has meant they are choosing to not have a relationship with him.
I do know that when he reached out to the eldest (it was her BFF's mom he moved in with) he was very sorry for disappearing and he was full of reasons to justify never seeing the kids. He first blamed me and said I denied access--she told him she knew that wasn't true, then he said he felt he couldn't be a good father to them. This truly initially infuriated her and her siblings because he left to move in with another woman and HER three kids. So that excuse was ridiculous.
My own dad also tried to get back into my life, and also had similar excuses, but said he always loved me and was sorry he wasn't ever there but he was living his own life. That was pretty hurtful to hear.
Long story and I apologize, but I would just summarize with this: for me and my kids, hearing our absentee fathers say they were sorry but they they always loved us helped us, but not in the way you're hoping.
Their excuses made us understand that our dads were truly fucked up and damaged, and it caused us all to be very, very thankful that they were absent for our childhoods, and then we had the choice to keep them away forever, to block them on social media and to block their numbers. That was powerful because we know that people who love you don't disappear. People who love you don't leave you in poverty. People who love you don't chase their own dreams and leave their families for good. People who love you don't create second families. People who love you don't cross the street when they see you coming.
You have a social media relationship; leave it alone. Your son knows how to find you if ever he desires that. For me and my kids, when our absentee dads reached out, it gave us closure and we all felt good about never talking to them again.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:43 AM on June 30, 2022 [24 favorites]
Shame is a big thing. I can see it repeatedly popping up and making it hard for you to approach this (if you even do) in the best way possible. In my experience (shame about paying taxes late), it made my efforts very sporadic -- a burst of effort followed by hiding from the issue for awhile. That's obviously the worst way to approach this, so maybe some sort of therapy or self-help stuff would be worth doing. I don't have the experience to weigh in on the rest of this.
posted by slidell at 9:06 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 9:06 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I say reach out, because maybe your son would like that -- but only if you KNOW you can follow through for whatever response you get. Are you really able to face feedback like you weren't there to teach him anything or keep him safe from bad folks or help keep food on the table? Can you accept blame without excuses or deflection? Can you stand and witness however he feels? Because that's the only way I'd say yes, go for it. And that includes him telling you to fuck off and you replying that you understand and are still nearby if and when he ever wants to connect.
I was a kid with divorced parents who didn't have a father in my life after the first few years. I saw a therapist a teen who told me my father would likely show up again somewhere between 45-60, because bio dads often reappear when their mortality hits them.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 9:22 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was a kid with divorced parents who didn't have a father in my life after the first few years. I saw a therapist a teen who told me my father would likely show up again somewhere between 45-60, because bio dads often reappear when their mortality hits them.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 9:22 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I want to comment on just one thing that you said:
The truth is that you don't know your son. You haven't seen him in, what, 19 years? He hasn't responded to your emails. He's now an adult who has lived his life without you.
You might love some idea you have in your head, but you don't love the actual person who lives in the world and who you are thinking of contacting. You don't know him at all. You're just projecting love onto someone who doesn't exist.
If you decide to reach out, please don't burden him with your projection. There could certainly be good, even great things that come out of contacting him. But don't start by pretending you have a relationship that you don't have. Whether he buys into it or not, that's not a healthy way to start.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 9:22 AM on June 30, 2022 [41 favorites]
I just want him to know that I always loved him.This just isn't true. Don't try to convince him of it.
The truth is that you don't know your son. You haven't seen him in, what, 19 years? He hasn't responded to your emails. He's now an adult who has lived his life without you.
You might love some idea you have in your head, but you don't love the actual person who lives in the world and who you are thinking of contacting. You don't know him at all. You're just projecting love onto someone who doesn't exist.
If you decide to reach out, please don't burden him with your projection. There could certainly be good, even great things that come out of contacting him. But don't start by pretending you have a relationship that you don't have. Whether he buys into it or not, that's not a healthy way to start.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 9:22 AM on June 30, 2022 [41 favorites]
I (38F) am estranged from my father after he was largely absent from my childhood. My partner (39M) also had a largely absent father, but now has a relationship. Here's what I believe those 2 men did differently:
My father:
- Connection is laborious for me - he lives far so it's mostly texting or phone calls, which I hate, and when there is an in person opportunity there are always narrow scheduling parameters or long drives required.
- When I do have an interaction with my dad, it's an emotional pile on. It's never a light-hearted chat. He always dumps his feelings on me, whether its about current events or his past or current hurts. It's exhausting.
- He is endlessly defensive. I know, and have heard many times, all of my father's reasons and justifications for why he wasn't present for me as a kid. Not one of them is satisfying, and attempts to rationalize his absence are always hurtful.
- He clearly feels entitled to a relationship with me and harbors anger, resentment, and sadness toward me for not meeting his relationship expectations. However, he doesn't know me, nor does he make an effort to know me or want to know me specifically. He just wants to know somebody because he's lonely.
- I have no agency in the relationship. It doesn't matter what I say or do - no amount of contact is sufficient, no words I say absolving him of guilt change what he talks about, no boundary I set is honored.
My partner's father:
- Tried to push a bit on his agenda, but learned quickly that his kids were not having it and backed off. He will reach out and extend invites, but makes no demands of their time or energy.
- Lives close and maintains ongoing but short contact. Visits are just a couple of hours usually, and they involve some sort of shared activity like a meal, car restoration or a home project that he helps my partner with. He has now maintained this schedule for years, and now there is a natural rhythm to it for everyone.
- Talks about mundane topics - hobbies, news, aforementioned home projects and car restoration. I've never heard him discuss his personal feelings.
No guarantees, but for me, if my father could behave like my partner's father, it would be a huge relief, and I'd likely make some efforts to have a relationship. In my case, I had enough contact with my father in childhood to find maintaining a rift somewhat spiritually corrosive. However, given the circumstances, it's the less corrosive option.
posted by amycup at 9:36 AM on June 30, 2022 [27 favorites]
My father:
- Connection is laborious for me - he lives far so it's mostly texting or phone calls, which I hate, and when there is an in person opportunity there are always narrow scheduling parameters or long drives required.
- When I do have an interaction with my dad, it's an emotional pile on. It's never a light-hearted chat. He always dumps his feelings on me, whether its about current events or his past or current hurts. It's exhausting.
- He is endlessly defensive. I know, and have heard many times, all of my father's reasons and justifications for why he wasn't present for me as a kid. Not one of them is satisfying, and attempts to rationalize his absence are always hurtful.
- He clearly feels entitled to a relationship with me and harbors anger, resentment, and sadness toward me for not meeting his relationship expectations. However, he doesn't know me, nor does he make an effort to know me or want to know me specifically. He just wants to know somebody because he's lonely.
- I have no agency in the relationship. It doesn't matter what I say or do - no amount of contact is sufficient, no words I say absolving him of guilt change what he talks about, no boundary I set is honored.
My partner's father:
- Tried to push a bit on his agenda, but learned quickly that his kids were not having it and backed off. He will reach out and extend invites, but makes no demands of their time or energy.
- Lives close and maintains ongoing but short contact. Visits are just a couple of hours usually, and they involve some sort of shared activity like a meal, car restoration or a home project that he helps my partner with. He has now maintained this schedule for years, and now there is a natural rhythm to it for everyone.
- Talks about mundane topics - hobbies, news, aforementioned home projects and car restoration. I've never heard him discuss his personal feelings.
No guarantees, but for me, if my father could behave like my partner's father, it would be a huge relief, and I'd likely make some efforts to have a relationship. In my case, I had enough contact with my father in childhood to find maintaining a rift somewhat spiritually corrosive. However, given the circumstances, it's the less corrosive option.
posted by amycup at 9:36 AM on June 30, 2022 [27 favorites]
I stopped sending him emails on his birthday about 5 years ago, because it just made me sad. I just want him to know that I always loved him. That I never forgot about him. And let him rage at me if that's what he needs to do.
I'm sorry but this reads as just all about you, and not about him at all.
My sons are 26 and 28 - if their father ever made the slightest genuine attempt to be in their lives in any reliable way, I would be a thousand percent behind it, even now. But every time he has entered their lives it has been out of nowhere and on his terms, and he brought more drama and renewed trauma with him every time, not to mention a mess to clean up afterward.
You stopped wishing your child well on his birthday (!) because his lack of response made you sad. You, the parent, were so sad about how your child responded to your birthday offering that you stopped wishing him well on his birthday. It doesn't matter how old he was when you stopped wishing him well on his birthday. If you had never done so, it would have done less damage than the fact that you did, and then you didn't any more. Did you ever consider that your child didn't respond to your attempts because he knew he couldn't rely on them? Which you proved when you stopped wishing your child well on his birthday.
A cynical person might read your post and wonder if you want him to rage at you so that you can justify making this your last attempt.
I don't mean to be adding to whatever shame you feel about this - my words on this topic are passionate but they're not necessarily right - I'm speaking as a mom who was powerless to make her kids feel loved and supported and secure in the face of repeated rejection and chaos from their other parent. So it's a singular subjective anecdatum. Something tells me you've probably spoken rather more harshly to yourself about it anyway.
Ironically, as awful as shame is, it too keeps the focus on you rather than on your child. If you really want to know what your son wants from you, ask him. His is the only voice you should heed. But before you do, be honest with yourself about on whose behalf you are reaching out.
posted by headnsouth at 9:55 AM on June 30, 2022 [31 favorites]
I'm sorry but this reads as just all about you, and not about him at all.
My sons are 26 and 28 - if their father ever made the slightest genuine attempt to be in their lives in any reliable way, I would be a thousand percent behind it, even now. But every time he has entered their lives it has been out of nowhere and on his terms, and he brought more drama and renewed trauma with him every time, not to mention a mess to clean up afterward.
You stopped wishing your child well on his birthday (!) because his lack of response made you sad. You, the parent, were so sad about how your child responded to your birthday offering that you stopped wishing him well on his birthday. It doesn't matter how old he was when you stopped wishing him well on his birthday. If you had never done so, it would have done less damage than the fact that you did, and then you didn't any more. Did you ever consider that your child didn't respond to your attempts because he knew he couldn't rely on them? Which you proved when you stopped wishing your child well on his birthday.
A cynical person might read your post and wonder if you want him to rage at you so that you can justify making this your last attempt.
I don't mean to be adding to whatever shame you feel about this - my words on this topic are passionate but they're not necessarily right - I'm speaking as a mom who was powerless to make her kids feel loved and supported and secure in the face of repeated rejection and chaos from their other parent. So it's a singular subjective anecdatum. Something tells me you've probably spoken rather more harshly to yourself about it anyway.
Ironically, as awful as shame is, it too keeps the focus on you rather than on your child. If you really want to know what your son wants from you, ask him. His is the only voice you should heed. But before you do, be honest with yourself about on whose behalf you are reaching out.
posted by headnsouth at 9:55 AM on June 30, 2022 [31 favorites]
Adding a few more thoughts that I would consider baseline rules for this situation. Some harsh truths:
- You don't know your son and he doesn't know you. You are strangers.
- You are not entitled to a relationship with him of any kind, let alone one of emotional depth. You have not earned it. If you want to try to have a relationship now, you are starting from ground zero. You have to earn your place in his life, and you are starting with no points on the board.
- At most, your goal should be to try to make friends with your son. If eventually there is something more there, great, but you cannot force it. Relationships are built not born.
- Any feelings you have about your relationship or lack there of are yours, and yours alone, and are only tangentially connected to your son. They are about a missed opportunity, a life you could have had but didn't pursue, ways you failed your own morals and values, emotional voids in your life, etc. Do not make your son a symbol in your story, or try to make your him participate in your efforts to resolve your issues. Those are separate from the relationship you are trying to build, because, AGAIN, he is a stranger. Would you assume those feelings were related to a stranger who wasn't a biological relation?
- Do not try to justify the choices you made, especially unprompted. There is no justification you could ever give your kid that will heal the pain of your absence for him or you.
- Understand the burden to make this relationship come to fruition and stick will be wholly on you, and likely unequal in effort or reciprocity for a long time. That is the burden of being the parent always, but it is especially prominent here because you didn't do your duty as a parent when they actually wanted it and needed it. Again, you didn't earn it, and it's harder to earn later.
If you are still up to the task, I say try, the sooner the better. If you are not up for shouldering these burdens, I suggest you leave your son alone.
posted by amycup at 10:02 AM on June 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
- You don't know your son and he doesn't know you. You are strangers.
- You are not entitled to a relationship with him of any kind, let alone one of emotional depth. You have not earned it. If you want to try to have a relationship now, you are starting from ground zero. You have to earn your place in his life, and you are starting with no points on the board.
- At most, your goal should be to try to make friends with your son. If eventually there is something more there, great, but you cannot force it. Relationships are built not born.
- Any feelings you have about your relationship or lack there of are yours, and yours alone, and are only tangentially connected to your son. They are about a missed opportunity, a life you could have had but didn't pursue, ways you failed your own morals and values, emotional voids in your life, etc. Do not make your son a symbol in your story, or try to make your him participate in your efforts to resolve your issues. Those are separate from the relationship you are trying to build, because, AGAIN, he is a stranger. Would you assume those feelings were related to a stranger who wasn't a biological relation?
- Do not try to justify the choices you made, especially unprompted. There is no justification you could ever give your kid that will heal the pain of your absence for him or you.
- Understand the burden to make this relationship come to fruition and stick will be wholly on you, and likely unequal in effort or reciprocity for a long time. That is the burden of being the parent always, but it is especially prominent here because you didn't do your duty as a parent when they actually wanted it and needed it. Again, you didn't earn it, and it's harder to earn later.
If you are still up to the task, I say try, the sooner the better. If you are not up for shouldering these burdens, I suggest you leave your son alone.
posted by amycup at 10:02 AM on June 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
My folks split up when I was 2 but my bio dad fully dropped away by about 9 years old. This wasn't necessarily a bad outcome for me, as I had a close relationship with my mom and my stepdad. My bio dad tried to reach out in my early 20s - he attached these efforts to big things happening in my life (which he heard about from my very sweet grandmother). I found these efforts annoying, stressful and very poorly timed, but most of all I found them self-serving. He was definitely going through a 12-step program, so it really wasn't about me. That was my sense at the time and given that he didn't reach out when he remarried or had most children, or when my uncle died, or when my grandfather died, it's pretty clear that he wanted to do his step and move along. For my part, it seemed pretty clearly self-serving and I couldn't justify working to build a relationship with him when I had some many other relationships to support: I could do a better job every day with my two very loving parents, plus other family and friends.
So you might not be able to restart a relationship here. I think it's ok for you to reach out and say, "I'm sorry I didn't maintain a relationship, I wish I could have been different and made different choices. If you want to get to know one another now or in the future, I am open, and it can be on your terms." (If this is true.) Maybe you'll catch him at a time when he has a new curiosity or openness about this relationship. Or more likely, not.
But look, there's a lot of kids out there, certainly some very near you, who could probably use some help. Maybe you should channel your efforts into a community center or something. There's a lot of ways to be a useful adult, if you're willing to show up to them.
posted by vunder at 10:05 AM on June 30, 2022 [7 favorites]
So you might not be able to restart a relationship here. I think it's ok for you to reach out and say, "I'm sorry I didn't maintain a relationship, I wish I could have been different and made different choices. If you want to get to know one another now or in the future, I am open, and it can be on your terms." (If this is true.) Maybe you'll catch him at a time when he has a new curiosity or openness about this relationship. Or more likely, not.
But look, there's a lot of kids out there, certainly some very near you, who could probably use some help. Maybe you should channel your efforts into a community center or something. There's a lot of ways to be a useful adult, if you're willing to show up to them.
posted by vunder at 10:05 AM on June 30, 2022 [7 favorites]
There is no excuse for what you did so stop looking for sympathy or understanding. You must learn to accept and carry this burden alone, preferably with the help of a therapist and support group. Definitely do not put this on your son and, as others have said, work on the guilt so it becomes less about you and more about supporting and loving him. It’s good that you want to try to be there for your son now: he may never ever want to talk to you or he may yearn strongly to have you in his life. As harsh as my words are, I’m not saying this because I’m mad: not at all actually. I’m glad you are willing and open to taking these steps!!! I just end to be very real about your responsibility and the difficult reality. But you know it too. I totally agree with people above who recommended therapy as well as a support group for parents like you. You can work on yourself then work on techniques for how to best approach and interact with your son. I am very hopeful for you!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:05 AM on June 30, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 10:05 AM on June 30, 2022 [4 favorites]
Also, yes, he obviously has trauma from this and you caused it. But you probably have trauma too and you both deserve support and love!
One more thing I thought about: you don’t mention his mother or whoever raised him or maybe it was so brief I didn’t notice much. When you interact with your son, please be extra respectful of his caretaker because they had it is so incredibly hard. Maybe that person did a great job and your son feels very loyal; maybe it was bad and they’re angry at you for leaving them in an abusive situation. I don’t know but I can say to make sure you process those feelings too before proceeding. Again, I wish you luck and really hope for the best!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:08 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
One more thing I thought about: you don’t mention his mother or whoever raised him or maybe it was so brief I didn’t notice much. When you interact with your son, please be extra respectful of his caretaker because they had it is so incredibly hard. Maybe that person did a great job and your son feels very loyal; maybe it was bad and they’re angry at you for leaving them in an abusive situation. I don’t know but I can say to make sure you process those feelings too before proceeding. Again, I wish you luck and really hope for the best!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:08 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think all your feelings are a great thing to explore with a therapist and not involve your child in. Being absent and neglectful IS abuse. It’s important for you to understand that and not excuse it away.
Your son knows how to contact you if he wants. It seems pretty clear to me that he has not wanted to and specifically avoided doing so - not responding to emails, not adding you on current social media, etc.
I don’t think there is some magic words you can say to turn around his feelings, nor do I think you should try. Because that is pushing against a boundary that it seems pretty clear he has set.
Go to therapy. So that you can stop putting this all back on him in your mind. Be prepared to both BE there IF he ever contacts you, or be prepared to never have him in your life. Both are things a therapist can support you on.
I don’t speak to half my family. Including my bio mother for over 15 years. I don’t want a relationship with them, and nothing they do would change that. And any time they reach out I figure out a way to block that form of communication. I’ll be frank, I literally do not care how sad they feel, because they were abusive and toxic.
Maybe your son feels that way. Maybe he doesn’t. But it’s not your mission right now to push any of that on him. You have social media and contact info he can find. Leave it there.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:16 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Your son knows how to contact you if he wants. It seems pretty clear to me that he has not wanted to and specifically avoided doing so - not responding to emails, not adding you on current social media, etc.
I don’t think there is some magic words you can say to turn around his feelings, nor do I think you should try. Because that is pushing against a boundary that it seems pretty clear he has set.
Go to therapy. So that you can stop putting this all back on him in your mind. Be prepared to both BE there IF he ever contacts you, or be prepared to never have him in your life. Both are things a therapist can support you on.
I don’t speak to half my family. Including my bio mother for over 15 years. I don’t want a relationship with them, and nothing they do would change that. And any time they reach out I figure out a way to block that form of communication. I’ll be frank, I literally do not care how sad they feel, because they were abusive and toxic.
Maybe your son feels that way. Maybe he doesn’t. But it’s not your mission right now to push any of that on him. You have social media and contact info he can find. Leave it there.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:16 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Find a way to come to peace with however this happened. Have a therapist. find him through public channels or facebook. Leave hi sister alone; that's creepy. Reach out to your son with the approach of I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. It's not your fault, and I'm not asking to be excused or forgiven. But if you would like me to be in your life, I would be happy to do that. If you don't want that, I will leave you alone. Whatever's best for you.
Growing up without a 2nd parent, without a father, is really difficult. Abandonment messes wiht people. You can't do it over. But your son might want you in his life. It is absolutely on you to not fuck it up if you get this chance. Deal with drama, trauma, regret, etc., in therapy. Don't be self-serving. Be generous and kind or don't do this.
If he wants no contact, walk away quietly.
posted by theora55 at 10:39 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Growing up without a 2nd parent, without a father, is really difficult. Abandonment messes wiht people. You can't do it over. But your son might want you in his life. It is absolutely on you to not fuck it up if you get this chance. Deal with drama, trauma, regret, etc., in therapy. Don't be self-serving. Be generous and kind or don't do this.
If he wants no contact, walk away quietly.
posted by theora55 at 10:39 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
My dad’s dying. Our story is different in that he was physically present for my whole childhood, but we haven’t had a close relationship, because in his mind the only role for a father is discipline and I never really required that. (Also I had the poor foresight to be born a girl.) Over the last year he finally started to put in some effort, so I’ve reciprocated. It’s still not easy for me, and it actually isn’t easy for him either, I think, that we are confronted with the real people we are instead of whatever we filled in about each other in our heads — but it’s so much better than the alternative where he didn’t try at all. I’m angry and sad basically all the time in this season of our lives, but I wouldn’t do it differently, because even though it’s painful it’s important.
tl;dr you can’t undo this series of choices you made, but you can make different ones. You will almost certainly surprise each other and some of those surprises will be bad, but they offer you each a kind of understanding you might not get another way. And I agree with others that it’s not a good idea for you to force it, just to open the door.
posted by eirias at 10:49 AM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
tl;dr you can’t undo this series of choices you made, but you can make different ones. You will almost certainly surprise each other and some of those surprises will be bad, but they offer you each a kind of understanding you might not get another way. And I agree with others that it’s not a good idea for you to force it, just to open the door.
posted by eirias at 10:49 AM on June 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
When my dad reconnected with me I was a teenager. It was hard for the first few years. Eventually we spent a lot of time together. He died when I was in my early 20s and I am grateful that he made the effort, which must have felt impossible given all his guilt and my mother's distrust. I cherish our final years together. So to me, there's no question, as long as you're able to express yourself sincerely, and back off if your son tells you that he doesn’t want you in his life. So far it sounds like he hasn't said that. Edit to add: If you can ask him to let you know if he doesn't want to be contacted, I think that would be a way to respect his wishes.
posted by happy_cat at 11:10 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by happy_cat at 11:10 AM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
After I turned 18, we had regular contact until his death when I was 26. He really regretted his absence. I'm glad for the time we had together, even after so long an absence. But I never really got to know him. Not really. Because in all of our contact, he never tried to get to really know me. And there was always a barrier because of that. I want to know my son. And I know it's selfish. And I don't think I deserve it. But I still want to.
I think you are identifying with your son too much and you are projecting your own feelings about your absent father onto your son.
Besides the fact that you both had "absent fathers", you are not your son. You are completely different people with different life experiences. As you can see from the answers to this question, "absent father" stories are very, very different for different people. What's the saying? Happy families are all alike, unhappy families are all different? Well, absent father stories are all different.
It seems to me that you essentially "got over" your own absent father, and only regret that he didn't "get to know you." If that had been fixed, basically the whole thing would have been fine.
You need to seriously prepare yourself for the very real, very likely possibility that your own absent father story will be nothing like your son's. It may not "basically be okay as long as his dad eventually tried to get to know him." Again, your son is not you. You have no idea who your son is or how he feels. His life is not your life.
Be prepared for this to go wildly different than your own story.
posted by stockpuppet at 11:39 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think you are identifying with your son too much and you are projecting your own feelings about your absent father onto your son.
Besides the fact that you both had "absent fathers", you are not your son. You are completely different people with different life experiences. As you can see from the answers to this question, "absent father" stories are very, very different for different people. What's the saying? Happy families are all alike, unhappy families are all different? Well, absent father stories are all different.
It seems to me that you essentially "got over" your own absent father, and only regret that he didn't "get to know you." If that had been fixed, basically the whole thing would have been fine.
You need to seriously prepare yourself for the very real, very likely possibility that your own absent father story will be nothing like your son's. It may not "basically be okay as long as his dad eventually tried to get to know him." Again, your son is not you. You have no idea who your son is or how he feels. His life is not your life.
Be prepared for this to go wildly different than your own story.
posted by stockpuppet at 11:39 AM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
With the exception of a few details, my story with my father is very similar to bondcliff's I occasionally hear things about him through the grapevine since he noped out of my life when I was twelve (he still has family in this area, and although they completely cut off contact with us, too, we hear things through mutual acquaintances). That makes me pretty sure he's aware of the four times I've nearly died since the day he decided he didn't want a daughter anymore.
If there is ever any contact between us again, it will have to come from him. I was a literal child when he disappeared, and there is nothing I could have possibly done to justify his actions. My coping mechanism was to file him away in the same part of my brain occupied by dead people.
That said, it could be a very positive thing if he made an effort.
Things I would need to hear:
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:40 PM on June 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
If there is ever any contact between us again, it will have to come from him. I was a literal child when he disappeared, and there is nothing I could have possibly done to justify his actions. My coping mechanism was to file him away in the same part of my brain occupied by dead people.
That said, it could be a very positive thing if he made an effort.
Things I would need to hear:
- A sincere apology with no attempts at explanation, justification, or excuses
- A statement of unconditional love
- How sad anything I had ever done (including not replying to previous contact) made him
- How contact with me would improve things for him
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:40 PM on June 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
I haven't spoken to my 26 year old son since he was 15.
...
After I turned 18, [my father and I] had regular contact until his death when I was 26.
Maybe I'm reading too much into a coincidence, but I do wonder if the significance of 26 and what it meant for you and your relationship with your own father is part of what's now driving you to reach out to your son.
I will gently chime in with the others who feel your motivations here are imbricated enough with your own issues that it may not be in your son's best interests for you to try and reach out to him.
Please go to therapy and work through these issues for yourself. Nothing you try to build with your son could be built on a solid enough foundation to stand if you don't first untangle these very painful and difficult issues within you.
posted by obliterati at 2:34 PM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
...
After I turned 18, [my father and I] had regular contact until his death when I was 26.
Maybe I'm reading too much into a coincidence, but I do wonder if the significance of 26 and what it meant for you and your relationship with your own father is part of what's now driving you to reach out to your son.
I will gently chime in with the others who feel your motivations here are imbricated enough with your own issues that it may not be in your son's best interests for you to try and reach out to him.
Please go to therapy and work through these issues for yourself. Nothing you try to build with your son could be built on a solid enough foundation to stand if you don't first untangle these very painful and difficult issues within you.
posted by obliterati at 2:34 PM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
Add me to the chorus of those with absentee dads, only mine was physically and emotionally abusive. He left his wife, my brother, and me when I was ten, to head to the West Coast with some woman he'd met. We had a very sporadic relationship; saw him once when I was 12. I tried to reach out to him but was rejected (invited him to my high school graduation). I forgot about him.
When I was 25 I ran into him while working at a shop. But any attempt at a relationship was all about him, I didn't even matter, really. He never got to know me.
Tried again in my 30s, because my then husband thought I should. Until said husband met the man. Never asked me to try to have a relationship with my dad ever again.
In my 40s I wrote him a note and told him I no longer wanted him to contact me. Ever. He never, despite my asking in years previously, EVER said he was sorry. Not once. He would say "Things were different then." That's as close as it came.
I won't care when he dies. I already know it. He's been a non person to me for so long.
If you truly want what's best, send your son a message genuinely apologizing for messing up, making sure to put the blame squarely on your shoulders. Tell him you'd like to really get to know him. And tell him it's up to him - that you will be there if and when he wants to reach out. Please don't do any of this if you can't stick with it. Your son has been emotionally manipulated for too long.
posted by annieb at 5:51 PM on June 30, 2022 [6 favorites]
When I was 25 I ran into him while working at a shop. But any attempt at a relationship was all about him, I didn't even matter, really. He never got to know me.
Tried again in my 30s, because my then husband thought I should. Until said husband met the man. Never asked me to try to have a relationship with my dad ever again.
In my 40s I wrote him a note and told him I no longer wanted him to contact me. Ever. He never, despite my asking in years previously, EVER said he was sorry. Not once. He would say "Things were different then." That's as close as it came.
I won't care when he dies. I already know it. He's been a non person to me for so long.
If you truly want what's best, send your son a message genuinely apologizing for messing up, making sure to put the blame squarely on your shoulders. Tell him you'd like to really get to know him. And tell him it's up to him - that you will be there if and when he wants to reach out. Please don't do any of this if you can't stick with it. Your son has been emotionally manipulated for too long.
posted by annieb at 5:51 PM on June 30, 2022 [6 favorites]
I stopped sending him emails on his birthday about 5 years ago, because it just made me sad. I just want him to know
that you're sorry, sure. but--
that I always loved him.
I see. I would open with the other one.
you mention your love and your shame, and maybe you will mention those things to him in person if he lets you. but being ashamed is not the same as being sorry. if he is willing to talk to you, this may come up.
because, and I don't know if you know this but it sounds like you might, a parent who doesn't love you isn't always the worst thing in the world. sometimes it's worse to have a parent who does love you, you don't really doubt it, but you just aren't important to him. I wonder why I think it can be worse? I suppose because there's no way to fantasize about one day earning his love when you've already got it. it just doesn't work very well or do anything. like opening your most anticipated childhood birthday present and it's just some toy from the dollar store and they forgot to get batteries for it, it doesn't move at all. but you say thanks because it's the best they could do.
"rage" is a passionate and dramatic emotion, so people usually say they can handle letting a wronged person rage at them. it's flattering. but you ought to be equally prepared to find out that he can't work up any passion for you anymore.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:54 PM on June 30, 2022 [6 favorites]
that you're sorry, sure. but--
that I always loved him.
I see. I would open with the other one.
you mention your love and your shame, and maybe you will mention those things to him in person if he lets you. but being ashamed is not the same as being sorry. if he is willing to talk to you, this may come up.
because, and I don't know if you know this but it sounds like you might, a parent who doesn't love you isn't always the worst thing in the world. sometimes it's worse to have a parent who does love you, you don't really doubt it, but you just aren't important to him. I wonder why I think it can be worse? I suppose because there's no way to fantasize about one day earning his love when you've already got it. it just doesn't work very well or do anything. like opening your most anticipated childhood birthday present and it's just some toy from the dollar store and they forgot to get batteries for it, it doesn't move at all. but you say thanks because it's the best they could do.
"rage" is a passionate and dramatic emotion, so people usually say they can handle letting a wronged person rage at them. it's flattering. but you ought to be equally prepared to find out that he can't work up any passion for you anymore.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:54 PM on June 30, 2022 [6 favorites]
Another child of a mostly absentee dad with the crucial difference that he was around until I was in my early teens and I still tried to have some sort of relationship with him. Leave it alone. Keep sending cards if you want, or the occasional email, or whatever. But FFS you stopped sending emails because it made you sad? You aren’t ready to have a relationship with your son. That ship has sailed. Stop Internet stalking him and try to be better to the people you actually know.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:34 PM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by aspersioncast at 7:34 PM on June 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
You moved away because you wanted to, then you stopped having contact because you wanted to, now you want to reach out for a relationship because you feel bad and want to make the bad feelings go away. This all about you, your needs, your wants, your feelings. What happens if he tells you what he really thinks and makes you feel bad again?
History shows that you put your needs and feelings above his so I’m thinking you’ll just vanish again. The one thing we do know about your son is that he doesn’t want contact with you because you tried and he didn’t reply. So….you already have your answer. You know he’s not interested, you just don’t like it because it’s still about YOUR feelings.
I think you need to do a lot of work on yourself before you’re ready to go there with your son, if ever. He knows you’re out there and he knows you want contact. Wait and let him come to you, if HE wants to.
posted by Jubey at 9:25 PM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
History shows that you put your needs and feelings above his so I’m thinking you’ll just vanish again. The one thing we do know about your son is that he doesn’t want contact with you because you tried and he didn’t reply. So….you already have your answer. You know he’s not interested, you just don’t like it because it’s still about YOUR feelings.
I think you need to do a lot of work on yourself before you’re ready to go there with your son, if ever. He knows you’re out there and he knows you want contact. Wait and let him come to you, if HE wants to.
posted by Jubey at 9:25 PM on June 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
Are you in therapy? If not, you need to find a therapist stat. You clearly have a lot of trauma from your father abandoning you (even if you don't think you do, and even if you managed to have something of a good relationship with him before he died), and you are trying to make up for the losses you had with your dad, with your son. You and your dad are not you and your son. I think you need to do a LOT of work on yourself before you can hope to have a good relationship with your son starting with, why did you leave? Why was your dad not in your life, and how did it affect you? etc.
Your story reminded me of comedian Gabriel Iglesias' dad coming back into his life after 30 years. He tells the story in his show here. It starts at 1h 20min and goes to 1h 38min. (Do not watch after 1h 38 min until you watch the whole thing first because the ending is set up way in advance and you don't want to spoil yourself. It's truly hilarious and heartwarming.) I think his story will give you insight to what it was like for him, and also what his dad had to do be in his life again, and that is have really good answers for all of Gabriel's questions to the point that Gabriel as able to understand where he was coming from. He says that all his dad wanted was to ask questions, and give some answers. Of course every story about an absent father and then coming back into their kid's life is different and yours will be different from his.
If you do contact your son, what are you going to do if he says "nah, I'm good. Not interested in having a relationship with you." Are you going to be able to handle that?
posted by foxjacket at 1:02 PM on July 1, 2022
Your story reminded me of comedian Gabriel Iglesias' dad coming back into his life after 30 years. He tells the story in his show here. It starts at 1h 20min and goes to 1h 38min. (Do not watch after 1h 38 min until you watch the whole thing first because the ending is set up way in advance and you don't want to spoil yourself. It's truly hilarious and heartwarming.) I think his story will give you insight to what it was like for him, and also what his dad had to do be in his life again, and that is have really good answers for all of Gabriel's questions to the point that Gabriel as able to understand where he was coming from. He says that all his dad wanted was to ask questions, and give some answers. Of course every story about an absent father and then coming back into their kid's life is different and yours will be different from his.
If you do contact your son, what are you going to do if he says "nah, I'm good. Not interested in having a relationship with you." Are you going to be able to handle that?
posted by foxjacket at 1:02 PM on July 1, 2022
I want to concur with the ideas above, that the best thing you can do, regardless of whatever else happens, is to work to understand your own issues, and grow personally. Therapy is the most obvious route.
My father was always present in my life, but we're now estranged by my choice, and I don't expect things will ever improve. My whole family was always pulled around by his emotions, which he never had the skills to understand and describe to others, and never had constructive ways to deal with. I've spent a lot of effort as an adult to grow emotionally myself. I recognized our relationship was painful to me and one-sided, and I wanted it to change. After struggling I recognized that he simply has no ability to listen to and care about other people. His needs and desires are more important than anything outside of him.
I feel a lot of empathy for him, I know he has deep scars he doesn't know how to face, that left him this way. I don't expect perfection. But I expect effort and respect. What he's willing or capable of is just less than the minimum I can accept.
I have empathy for you too. You have control of yourself, you have the opportunity to heal your own trauma and not inflict any more on your son. Right now you've got a fantasy version of your son in your head, and a fantasy of what it'll be like to contact him. Real life is unlikely to match the fantasy. What will you do when it's real? Are you ready to listen and put what he needs before what you need? Are you really ready to try to get to know him, the way your father didn't for you?
I just want him to know that I always loved him.
I believe you feel that. What good is it to tell him? This is a description of what is inside you. He can't feel that, nobody else can. Other people feel the way you act.
Please, work to understand what is inside yourself, why you've acted the way you have, why you want the things you want, before you seek him out.
posted by counterfeitfake at 12:58 PM on July 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
My father was always present in my life, but we're now estranged by my choice, and I don't expect things will ever improve. My whole family was always pulled around by his emotions, which he never had the skills to understand and describe to others, and never had constructive ways to deal with. I've spent a lot of effort as an adult to grow emotionally myself. I recognized our relationship was painful to me and one-sided, and I wanted it to change. After struggling I recognized that he simply has no ability to listen to and care about other people. His needs and desires are more important than anything outside of him.
I feel a lot of empathy for him, I know he has deep scars he doesn't know how to face, that left him this way. I don't expect perfection. But I expect effort and respect. What he's willing or capable of is just less than the minimum I can accept.
I have empathy for you too. You have control of yourself, you have the opportunity to heal your own trauma and not inflict any more on your son. Right now you've got a fantasy version of your son in your head, and a fantasy of what it'll be like to contact him. Real life is unlikely to match the fantasy. What will you do when it's real? Are you ready to listen and put what he needs before what you need? Are you really ready to try to get to know him, the way your father didn't for you?
I just want him to know that I always loved him.
I believe you feel that. What good is it to tell him? This is a description of what is inside you. He can't feel that, nobody else can. Other people feel the way you act.
Please, work to understand what is inside yourself, why you've acted the way you have, why you want the things you want, before you seek him out.
posted by counterfeitfake at 12:58 PM on July 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm speaking as a stepdad to kids whose biological dad was present but emotionally distant. Watching that dynamic play out over a couple decades has been an education, especially since I consider myself extremely lucky in that I had two loving, stable, present parents while I was growing up. For each and every one of my (step)kids, they would love to have their biological dad just drop the shit one day and be present with them. Not showing up to moralize or impart wisdom and character--which is what that guy does, in his mind, and which the kids have grown up able to detect as eye-rolling bullshit from an early age.
I would encourage you to keep that in mind about your own kid: he has a skillset that is in some part infromaed by your absence. He learned how to handle himself with wisdom from people other than you, so that means he may not need to have your contact with him draped in forlorn fatherly tropes. I would suggest that if you get in touch and you can just, you know, be like, "hey, I'd love to catch up as Frottage Cheese because you seem super cool and I've grown up, instead of catching up as some imagined long-lost father who has something of value to impart to you" that would be something I think might resonate. And it might take time for that resonance to grow, but it's a good place to start.
I think it's great that you think about this. Loads of good advice above about therapy and making sure you know your own motives and what you're really offering. I was just talking to my oldest over the weekend about his bio dad and, ugh, he's so tired of feeling like his role is to be the grateful son for a dad he feels abandoned him in every way other than financially. It's exhausting for him. Sometimes he'll say, I just wish the guy would give me a hug and not tell me about the problems in his life because I feel like it's my job to keep him off the ledge. Whatever you do, don't put your kid in that position. Don't make him an audience--try to be (and communicate that you can and want to be) more than that.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:27 AM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would encourage you to keep that in mind about your own kid: he has a skillset that is in some part infromaed by your absence. He learned how to handle himself with wisdom from people other than you, so that means he may not need to have your contact with him draped in forlorn fatherly tropes. I would suggest that if you get in touch and you can just, you know, be like, "hey, I'd love to catch up as Frottage Cheese because you seem super cool and I've grown up, instead of catching up as some imagined long-lost father who has something of value to impart to you" that would be something I think might resonate. And it might take time for that resonance to grow, but it's a good place to start.
I think it's great that you think about this. Loads of good advice above about therapy and making sure you know your own motives and what you're really offering. I was just talking to my oldest over the weekend about his bio dad and, ugh, he's so tired of feeling like his role is to be the grateful son for a dad he feels abandoned him in every way other than financially. It's exhausting for him. Sometimes he'll say, I just wish the guy would give me a hug and not tell me about the problems in his life because I feel like it's my job to keep him off the ledge. Whatever you do, don't put your kid in that position. Don't make him an audience--try to be (and communicate that you can and want to be) more than that.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:27 AM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your insight. I've taken some time to consider everything said here. I've already done a lot of work with therapy, but it's clear to me now that in even asking this question, I haven't done enough. I also need to process my own guilt so that it remains my own.
So I think it's best to just leave him alone. If he is interested, he can easily find how to contact me. It may never happen, and I have to accept that. But I can hope for it. I will continue the work on myself, but also accept that I can never be a father.
posted by Frottage Cheese at 1:27 AM on July 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
So I think it's best to just leave him alone. If he is interested, he can easily find how to contact me. It may never happen, and I have to accept that. But I can hope for it. I will continue the work on myself, but also accept that I can never be a father.
posted by Frottage Cheese at 1:27 AM on July 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
I just saw this video and thought of you. Perhaps it will offer guidance and hope: "A Healing Message for Parents Who Left Their Children"
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 PM on July 9, 2022
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 PM on July 9, 2022
I think you owe it to your son to let him know you would like to connect. Until now he has believed (correctly) that you want nothing to do with him. Now that has changed, it's your responsibility to communicate that change. You can't just leave it on him to initiate contact because he still thinks you want nothing to do with him.
If you decide to leave him alone, then take ownership of the choice you are making now, once again, actively, to have nothing to do with your son. Telling yourself that he can reach out to you if he wants, and that you are being respectful towards his needs by sighing about this from a distance, is a lie. You have no idea what his needs are, and for all you know he may desperately wish to speak with you. You are choosing to keep your distance only because that feels safer and more comfortable to you, because hiding feels most comfortable when you have this much shame.
IMO the most honest, responsible, respectful thing to do is to let your son know that you would love to connect with him, IF he is willing. Tell him you want to connect with him because you're ashamed of having abandoned him, and it would be a blessing to be able to honor the connection between you both in this small way, one meeting at a time, if he will allow it. Tell him you wish you could be reaching out for his sake, to meet his needs, but because your actions have ensured that you both are strangers to each other, you have no way of knowing what he needs and all you can do now is tell him what you are hoping for. Then wish him well, sign off, don't contact him again unless you get a positive response.
In other words, be ruthlessly honest and boundaried. I would not advise you to tell him you love him (because that would be a stupendous lie), nor talk about your wish to have some great emotional cathartic rapprochement (because that's your private fantasy, and you should never tell stranger about your private fantasies), nor make any promises for the future - not even to say you intend to be there for him. (you don't know that yet, because you don't know your son. What if you hate him when you meet him? What if you're so triggered you can't stand to stick around?) In short, don't make even the mildest implicit promise of love or care or even interest in him, and don't burden him with your heavy emotional needs that are inappropriate to share with this stranger.
In addition, I would not advise you to pretend that you're reaching out to him for his sake, because he is a stranger to you and how could you begin to know what he wants or needs that you can make any effort "for his sake"? But unlike most people on this thread, I don't think it's wrong or evil or bad to reach out because of your own needs and desires, as long as you are open and honest about that fact. Your son is a grown man. He can decide whether meeting you serves him well or not. You speak to your wishes, he will act on his.
posted by MiraK at 9:24 AM on July 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you decide to leave him alone, then take ownership of the choice you are making now, once again, actively, to have nothing to do with your son. Telling yourself that he can reach out to you if he wants, and that you are being respectful towards his needs by sighing about this from a distance, is a lie. You have no idea what his needs are, and for all you know he may desperately wish to speak with you. You are choosing to keep your distance only because that feels safer and more comfortable to you, because hiding feels most comfortable when you have this much shame.
IMO the most honest, responsible, respectful thing to do is to let your son know that you would love to connect with him, IF he is willing. Tell him you want to connect with him because you're ashamed of having abandoned him, and it would be a blessing to be able to honor the connection between you both in this small way, one meeting at a time, if he will allow it. Tell him you wish you could be reaching out for his sake, to meet his needs, but because your actions have ensured that you both are strangers to each other, you have no way of knowing what he needs and all you can do now is tell him what you are hoping for. Then wish him well, sign off, don't contact him again unless you get a positive response.
In other words, be ruthlessly honest and boundaried. I would not advise you to tell him you love him (because that would be a stupendous lie), nor talk about your wish to have some great emotional cathartic rapprochement (because that's your private fantasy, and you should never tell stranger about your private fantasies), nor make any promises for the future - not even to say you intend to be there for him. (you don't know that yet, because you don't know your son. What if you hate him when you meet him? What if you're so triggered you can't stand to stick around?) In short, don't make even the mildest implicit promise of love or care or even interest in him, and don't burden him with your heavy emotional needs that are inappropriate to share with this stranger.
In addition, I would not advise you to pretend that you're reaching out to him for his sake, because he is a stranger to you and how could you begin to know what he wants or needs that you can make any effort "for his sake"? But unlike most people on this thread, I don't think it's wrong or evil or bad to reach out because of your own needs and desires, as long as you are open and honest about that fact. Your son is a grown man. He can decide whether meeting you serves him well or not. You speak to your wishes, he will act on his.
posted by MiraK at 9:24 AM on July 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
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posted by mcduff at 7:46 AM on June 30, 2022 [26 favorites]