I miss my old dog
June 26, 2022 1:18 PM Subscribe
My parents adopted a dog from a shelter a couple of days ago - and she looks exactly like a rescue dog we lost less than a year ago. Her death was extremely traumatic for us. I still can’t look at her pictures without feeling sick. And I adore this new dog (she’s ridiculously cute!) but I also cried several times the day she arrived because she reminded me so much of the other dog. I haven’t really petted her much after the first day because I feel so strange. I don’t want to feel this way.
I don’t live with my parents (I live on another continent) but I’m visiting them for a month. And I feel so guilty I haven’t petted this new dog enough. My parents live in a country where there are plenty of stray dogs - and we all cannot get over how similar the two dogs look. They both don’t look anything like the average stray dog and we are convinced they are from the same family.
The dog we lost less than a year ago died relatively young (aged 7). Her decline was very quick and we don’t believe she was given the right treatment. She most probably died because of tick fever (the vets we saw were grossly incompetent). The animal hospital also claimed she had several tumours. I don’t want to dwell on this because it really upsets me. I hadn’t seen her for two years because of the pandemic and her death hit me really hard. I couldn’t process it, and, if I’m honest, still haven’t. She turned up at our door as a pup and, for a week or so, we fed her and tried to find her a home but we all fell in love with her instantly and couldn’t give her away. The year she arrived was a horrible year for me - I had been diagnosed with a chronic illness and had moved back in with my parents and she was my life during that difficult period. I miss her so much but don’t really allow myself to think of her.
It’s not surprising this new dog makes me feel so many emotions at the same time. She does all these little things - the way she runs, the way she tosses her head, she way she sighs when she settles down to sleep - that remind us of our other dog. It’s also their stories that are so similar: the new dog was also an unwanted pup, and when the shelter found her she had tick fever and was very ill. They looked after her well and she is in good health. We think she’s around two years old.
I know they aren’t the same dog. But all these coincidences make me feel like we’ve been given a second chance and somewhere our dog is looking down upon us. I am sorry if I sound silly and overly emotional. I am so close to crying all the time these days. Is there any way to come to terms with everything and enjoy this new dog.
PS: We have another dog as well and she and the new dog spent the afternoon chasing squirrels :)
I don’t live with my parents (I live on another continent) but I’m visiting them for a month. And I feel so guilty I haven’t petted this new dog enough. My parents live in a country where there are plenty of stray dogs - and we all cannot get over how similar the two dogs look. They both don’t look anything like the average stray dog and we are convinced they are from the same family.
The dog we lost less than a year ago died relatively young (aged 7). Her decline was very quick and we don’t believe she was given the right treatment. She most probably died because of tick fever (the vets we saw were grossly incompetent). The animal hospital also claimed she had several tumours. I don’t want to dwell on this because it really upsets me. I hadn’t seen her for two years because of the pandemic and her death hit me really hard. I couldn’t process it, and, if I’m honest, still haven’t. She turned up at our door as a pup and, for a week or so, we fed her and tried to find her a home but we all fell in love with her instantly and couldn’t give her away. The year she arrived was a horrible year for me - I had been diagnosed with a chronic illness and had moved back in with my parents and she was my life during that difficult period. I miss her so much but don’t really allow myself to think of her.
It’s not surprising this new dog makes me feel so many emotions at the same time. She does all these little things - the way she runs, the way she tosses her head, she way she sighs when she settles down to sleep - that remind us of our other dog. It’s also their stories that are so similar: the new dog was also an unwanted pup, and when the shelter found her she had tick fever and was very ill. They looked after her well and she is in good health. We think she’s around two years old.
I know they aren’t the same dog. But all these coincidences make me feel like we’ve been given a second chance and somewhere our dog is looking down upon us. I am sorry if I sound silly and overly emotional. I am so close to crying all the time these days. Is there any way to come to terms with everything and enjoy this new dog.
PS: We have another dog as well and she and the new dog spent the afternoon chasing squirrels :)
You are grieving. What you need is time and space to process your emotions, to feel them. It doesn’t matter that your other dog died a while ago; it’s clear that you never processed those emotions. This new dog can either be another chance for you all to continue suppressing your feelings, or a chance for you to accept what happened before and move on. Please go ahead and cry! Crying is exactly for this kind of thing.
The new dog and your other current dog will know you guys are upset but as long as you keep caring for them and they have each other they will be okay. You can even pet this dog while crying. One thing that might help is to go for some long walks with them. This can help your body work to physically process your emotions and bond with the new dog at the same time. If you aren’t physically able to do walks, try visiting somewhere nice like a good park or a beach and spend a day together.
Again, it’s okay to feel however it is that you feel. Try writing those feelings down, looking through pictures of your previous dog, telling stories with your family, yelling at clouds, whatever feels right to you, as long as you aren’t harming yourself or others. The new dog has a playmate and caretakers and will be there for you to snuggle whenever you want.
posted by Mizu at 2:03 PM on June 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
The new dog and your other current dog will know you guys are upset but as long as you keep caring for them and they have each other they will be okay. You can even pet this dog while crying. One thing that might help is to go for some long walks with them. This can help your body work to physically process your emotions and bond with the new dog at the same time. If you aren’t physically able to do walks, try visiting somewhere nice like a good park or a beach and spend a day together.
Again, it’s okay to feel however it is that you feel. Try writing those feelings down, looking through pictures of your previous dog, telling stories with your family, yelling at clouds, whatever feels right to you, as long as you aren’t harming yourself or others. The new dog has a playmate and caretakers and will be there for you to snuggle whenever you want.
posted by Mizu at 2:03 PM on June 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
Oh, this is so hard. We adopted a dog recently and while at the adoption center met another dog who looked so much like the one we lost a year ago that I started weeping—I think my husband wanted to consider adopting him but I was like "I cannot have this very sweet ghost in my house." I've had a friend with breed loyalty have to give back a new dog that she adopted too soon after losing a previous one, because they looked too similar. This is very normal.
I fully get and respect what queenofbithynia said about wishing it were possible to believe this was a case of reincarnation, but I think if you can process your feelings about the old dog separate from the new dog that will be much better in the long run—it's clear that you have to process those (and you'll probably never be done! But it will get easier) but I also think you'll have an easier time with the new dog the more you're able to see her as a separate and unique individual. Spend time with her as you can to learn her idiosyncrasies, which will be different from your old dog because every dog is so damn weird. When the grief gets to you, take a break and feel your feelings about your old dog somewhere away from this one. Repeat. You're fortunate in that she isn't your sole responsibility, so you do get to take a break from her without guilt. I think it will get easier to deal with her on her own terms the more distance you get from your grief, but I also think it will get easier to deal with her on her own terms the more you deal with her on her own terms!
posted by babelfish at 2:51 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I fully get and respect what queenofbithynia said about wishing it were possible to believe this was a case of reincarnation, but I think if you can process your feelings about the old dog separate from the new dog that will be much better in the long run—it's clear that you have to process those (and you'll probably never be done! But it will get easier) but I also think you'll have an easier time with the new dog the more you're able to see her as a separate and unique individual. Spend time with her as you can to learn her idiosyncrasies, which will be different from your old dog because every dog is so damn weird. When the grief gets to you, take a break and feel your feelings about your old dog somewhere away from this one. Repeat. You're fortunate in that she isn't your sole responsibility, so you do get to take a break from her without guilt. I think it will get easier to deal with her on her own terms the more distance you get from your grief, but I also think it will get easier to deal with her on her own terms the more you deal with her on her own terms!
posted by babelfish at 2:51 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have had a similar experience. My first dog/favorite dog/the dog that used to sleep at the foot of my bed died when l was a kid. Twenty years later my mom got another dog of the same breed and aside from a slight graying in the coat looked pretty much exactly the same. And because it was the same breed it acted pretty much the same. It was uncanny. It felt like my dog was alive again but it wasn't my dog. Over the years though, and it took a long time, I did start to see that looking alike and acting alike this dog was not the same dog. There were differences. Slightly different habits. So similar but not the same. And I grew to love that dog too as its own self rather than just being a facsimile of my dog. And now that she's gone I miss her even though she was never my dog. She was my mom's dog. But she was her own thing that was just very very similar and the differences made themselves known the longer I knew her. It just takes time. My first dog will always be my dog. I've had a few since but that dog I knew since I was a baby is my go-to dog if someone asks if I've had a dog. But she was a good dog and my mom's dog was a good dog too. And I appreciate those very slight differences.
posted by downtohisturtles at 3:31 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by downtohisturtles at 3:31 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I would focus on all the things that make this dog look different. Sit and observe it and even make a written list. Nose a bit pinker? Eyes a bit further apart? Tail wags harder? The more you get to know this dog, the more differentiated they will feel from the first dog.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:47 PM on June 26, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:47 PM on June 26, 2022
My Previous Dog was a Jack Russell Terrier from a shelter. Smart, good-natured, loyal. He died in May of 21, and I missed him intensely. Covid winter and no dog was really not good. I got a New Dog(pic in profile) in March, and it has made me miss Previous Dog so much. So much dog stuff reminds me of his dog stuff. It's easing up, and New Dog is an adorable miscreant who seems quite likely to shape up into a terrific dog. But sometimes she's annoying AF and it makes me long for my pal, who was acclimated to my ways and well-trained, and, honestly, a great friend and companion.
Give it time, get to know the Mew Pup. New Pup has re-awakened your grief, but new dogs are fun, training is a good challenge, and it will sort itself out.
posted by theora55 at 3:49 PM on June 26, 2022
Give it time, get to know the Mew Pup. New Pup has re-awakened your grief, but new dogs are fun, training is a good challenge, and it will sort itself out.
posted by theora55 at 3:49 PM on June 26, 2022
This is going to sound really weird, but... can you try telling the new dog this? Or talking to the old dog *through* the new one, like as a medium/channel? And tell them that you miss them.
posted by unknowncommand at 3:51 PM on June 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by unknowncommand at 3:51 PM on June 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
love to you, your family, and both your pups. a couple years ago, I made this instagram post about my dogs. my current pup never met my old one; but I am convinced he knows him, through the superpower of scent. or rather, knows us as one, intertwined. I find it both poignant and comforting.
posted by changeling at 4:42 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by changeling at 4:42 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Losing our dogs is so hard. We lost our best girl a few months ago, and just reading your ask has me in tears. So crying is OK. I still cry about our other, older, best girl that we lost 4 years ago anytime I see a picture of her.
Cry as much as you need to. But try to realize the look-alike isn’t your old friend, and the new dog deserves all the love and pets you can muster.
They are all the best dogs.
posted by Windopaene at 4:54 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Cry as much as you need to. But try to realize the look-alike isn’t your old friend, and the new dog deserves all the love and pets you can muster.
They are all the best dogs.
posted by Windopaene at 4:54 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
What dogs do best is love. They love unconditionally and constantly and without bounds or limitations. Consider that loving new dog is the absolute best way to honor your old dogs memory, to continue to cherish and honor her even though she's gone. She would not want you to hold back and I'm sure that she would be unconcerned that you found a dog so similar, surely a high compliment that speaks volumes about what a good girl she was. She would only want you to love as she did, fully and unconditionally and without bounds.
Feel and honor your sadness, every last bit of it, but forgive yourself, too. You are honoring her in the best way possible.
posted by Amy93 at 5:47 PM on June 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
Feel and honor your sadness, every last bit of it, but forgive yourself, too. You are honoring her in the best way possible.
posted by Amy93 at 5:47 PM on June 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
I like the idea of communicating with your old dog in some way. Can you write her a letter or send her a prayer, thanking her for watching over your family and sending a wonderful new dog to love? Can you make a little shrine or altar for her, like she is the new dog’s ancestor, which you can bring flowers to and spend time with?
My late cat will ALWAYS be the greatest cat love of my life. But I think of him as an uncle to the new kittens and when they do something that reminds me of him, I think “Oh, Uncle Mog is teaching you well” or “Uncle Mog would be proud you’re turning into such a good little protege”.
And then, yes, when you’re with your parents spend lots of time really getting to know the new dog. Find out what she loves doing best. Maybe she loves fetch or tug and you can bond with her lots doing that. Or try learning some fun clicker-training tricks with her. And maybe sometimes you will take her on a walk and it will remind you of the old dog and you can tell the new dog all about what she was like, how she loved to sniff that tree and that time she found a great stick to chew and how she’d love to be here to play with you, new dog... this is how we keep the ones we have lost alive in our hearts, with stories.
posted by Balthamos at 12:35 AM on June 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
My late cat will ALWAYS be the greatest cat love of my life. But I think of him as an uncle to the new kittens and when they do something that reminds me of him, I think “Oh, Uncle Mog is teaching you well” or “Uncle Mog would be proud you’re turning into such a good little protege”.
And then, yes, when you’re with your parents spend lots of time really getting to know the new dog. Find out what she loves doing best. Maybe she loves fetch or tug and you can bond with her lots doing that. Or try learning some fun clicker-training tricks with her. And maybe sometimes you will take her on a walk and it will remind you of the old dog and you can tell the new dog all about what she was like, how she loved to sniff that tree and that time she found a great stick to chew and how she’d love to be here to play with you, new dog... this is how we keep the ones we have lost alive in our hearts, with stories.
posted by Balthamos at 12:35 AM on June 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you to everyone. I really appreciate all your responses. I’ve read each response several times and I feel so much better about everything now. I’ve been talking to the new dog about our previous dog - and it’s helped. She’s a fantastic dog and I am so glad she is in our lives. Here’s a photo https://www.yogile.com/hw246bfkmoe/025343538l/share/?vsc=a3f29f49e
posted by bigyellowtaxi at 11:36 AM on June 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by bigyellowtaxi at 11:36 AM on June 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
What a gorgeous girl! Glad you're finding ways to feel better about the situation <3
posted by Balthamos at 11:50 AM on June 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Balthamos at 11:50 AM on June 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I worried a lot about it in both directions (giving the new one a stale copy of my love for the old one; disrespecting the old one's ghost). it took a while to get over it. I felt worst and guiltiest when I called her by the same nicknames and said the same kinds of things to her I used to say to my first cat. and for a while I tried very seriously to establish differences in the way I treated them, so that I wouldn't feel like I was using the new one as a replacement. but eventually I came to terms with a certain amount of overlap in my feelings for them. eventually, like after many months. I did in fact try to believe that the new one was the old one come back in a new body but the death/birth dates just did not work out reincarnation-wise. it's not really a joke, I do wish I could believe it. sometimes I still tell my dead cat I still love her best, because when she was young I told her that I always would, and I will never ever go back on my word to my cat. but I love my new cat best too and I don't feel awful about that anymore.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:01 PM on June 26, 2022 [10 favorites]