Life after divorce
June 26, 2022 7:14 AM Subscribe
I am feeling heartbroken after telling my husband I want a divorce. I told him that when I was in a different state of mind and now I'm having major regrets. He definitely does not want to get back together.
I am not sure if I would want to get back together either but I feel so so raw and just completely alone. My parents have come to town to care for me but I feel like a 40 year old pathetic baby. I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist, both of whom are wonderful. I just feel so so depressed. I feel sad when I see other couples. I don't have a ton of hobbies and I have friends but many of them live far away. How do I cope with this new life? How do I stop feeling so despondent and like I will be alone forever? I think I was very dependent on my husband for so much and it's hard to be on my own after 9 years together. I will take any advice anyone has. Oh also I have a dog that he will mainly have custody of and I miss my dog terribly. I can see both my ex and my dog, as we are amicable, but it just hurts.
I am not sure if I would want to get back together either but I feel so so raw and just completely alone. My parents have come to town to care for me but I feel like a 40 year old pathetic baby. I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist, both of whom are wonderful. I just feel so so depressed. I feel sad when I see other couples. I don't have a ton of hobbies and I have friends but many of them live far away. How do I cope with this new life? How do I stop feeling so despondent and like I will be alone forever? I think I was very dependent on my husband for so much and it's hard to be on my own after 9 years together. I will take any advice anyone has. Oh also I have a dog that he will mainly have custody of and I miss my dog terribly. I can see both my ex and my dog, as we are amicable, but it just hurts.
I went through this in 2020 and the one thing that helped me was realizing it was a chance to change my relationship with myself.
Being alone is HARD, in the general sense but also in the day-to-day sense. My focus right now is on building a positive relationship with myself and learning to enjoy my own company. A ton of inner child work, lots of music, walks, yoga, long baths have been my best friends at this time.
Feel free to memail if you’d like more support. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but this time can be a gift, I promise.
posted by missjenny at 7:45 AM on June 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
Being alone is HARD, in the general sense but also in the day-to-day sense. My focus right now is on building a positive relationship with myself and learning to enjoy my own company. A ton of inner child work, lots of music, walks, yoga, long baths have been my best friends at this time.
Feel free to memail if you’d like more support. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but this time can be a gift, I promise.
posted by missjenny at 7:45 AM on June 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
Perhaps this will sound trite, but, when you feel ready, think about what you learned during those 9 years. Think about what you can learn now: how to be comfortable being alone. Once you get over your fear of independence, you might be in a better place to discover a new relationship.
posted by SPrintF at 8:13 AM on June 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 8:13 AM on June 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yes, it hurts a lot to divorce, even when it is ultimately a healthier long term choice for everyone. It’s very understandable for you to feel pain and fear, and to feel alone. Those are scary and difficult feelings, and there is a lot of uncertainty floating around that can feel very threatening.
It’s very understandable to try and find a way to make those feelings stop, and it’s very understandable to think that you could have just [done something differently] and then you [probably wouldn’t feel so miserable now]. I’ve been there, and I am sorry. It’s a hard place, but you are doing really well by acknowledging that it is hard and you’re having these big feelings, even if you don’t think so.
The bad news, afaik/can tell based on my personal experience, is that the way out is through. Keep seeing your therapist and psychiatrist, keep doing as much as you can of the stuff you probably already know to do: eat well, get sleep, move your body, talk to people, consume comforting media. Try to give yourself some grace and allow yourself to not know for sure how exactly this will shake out right now. You might not like uncertainty (I personally hate it), so I will promise something I know to be true: you can come through this okay, and you can be happy again.
You’re doing great. You’re also doing a very hard thing.
posted by Kpele at 11:32 AM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
It’s very understandable to try and find a way to make those feelings stop, and it’s very understandable to think that you could have just [done something differently] and then you [probably wouldn’t feel so miserable now]. I’ve been there, and I am sorry. It’s a hard place, but you are doing really well by acknowledging that it is hard and you’re having these big feelings, even if you don’t think so.
The bad news, afaik/can tell based on my personal experience, is that the way out is through. Keep seeing your therapist and psychiatrist, keep doing as much as you can of the stuff you probably already know to do: eat well, get sleep, move your body, talk to people, consume comforting media. Try to give yourself some grace and allow yourself to not know for sure how exactly this will shake out right now. You might not like uncertainty (I personally hate it), so I will promise something I know to be true: you can come through this okay, and you can be happy again.
You’re doing great. You’re also doing a very hard thing.
posted by Kpele at 11:32 AM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Let him go. Put an end to any visits, communication, etc., as soon as possible. Every day, build a new life that doesn't include him or anyone who insists on referencing him in any way. Get another dog: get a rescue that needs you as much as you them. Walk the dog, every day. All this recalls what I tell people considering a joint replacement: the pain you feel now will subside—the pain you were having never would have, not ever.
And get outside yourself as much as possible. There's a political revolution happening in this country, and you should be part of it. Decades from now, you probably won't remember how much pain you were in during this period, but you will remember the person you built from the wreckage, the strong, purposeful woman who was part of rolling back fascism and protecting women's rights.
You made your initial decision for good reasons, or your wouldn't have made it. Trust yourself as having done the right thing, and trust yourself to make healthy decisions every day. Be kind to yourself.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 12:31 PM on June 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
And get outside yourself as much as possible. There's a political revolution happening in this country, and you should be part of it. Decades from now, you probably won't remember how much pain you were in during this period, but you will remember the person you built from the wreckage, the strong, purposeful woman who was part of rolling back fascism and protecting women's rights.
You made your initial decision for good reasons, or your wouldn't have made it. Trust yourself as having done the right thing, and trust yourself to make healthy decisions every day. Be kind to yourself.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 12:31 PM on June 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Even when divorce is your choice and the right decision, it's still a huge loss. You have to give up all the hope you had that things would get better. Your entire daily routine is changed. You spent 9 years having a large part of your identity being as his wife. Your thoughts of the future included him, and now they won't.
It's very, very hard. You need to take time to build your life. When you're ready, start doing things that hold your interest and maybe try some new things. It may take a while, but fairly soon you can start thinking about your personal life as a clean slate, instead of something with a huge hole in it.
posted by wryly at 1:50 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
It's very, very hard. You need to take time to build your life. When you're ready, start doing things that hold your interest and maybe try some new things. It may take a while, but fairly soon you can start thinking about your personal life as a clean slate, instead of something with a huge hole in it.
posted by wryly at 1:50 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I second getting another dog, all yours. please do. he/she will be your partner, as you relearn how to be your own partner, too. being able to nurture and love freely, and to be adored and loved (nobody loves us like dogs! nobody!) every single day -- it will build you up.
posted by changeling at 4:55 PM on June 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by changeling at 4:55 PM on June 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
I went through a divorce 10 years ago and have not looked back. You're starting over an most definitely not a pathetic baby. You made a choice to be happy and even if you are having doubts, your gut is right.
Focus on the potential - there is nothing impossible, you own your life and can choose what is next.
Take the time to heal, take the time to be fully selfish, and after that (or during) learn to look at yourself and se what a catch you are.
posted by elvissa at 5:43 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Focus on the potential - there is nothing impossible, you own your life and can choose what is next.
Take the time to heal, take the time to be fully selfish, and after that (or during) learn to look at yourself and se what a catch you are.
posted by elvissa at 5:43 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Not to threadsit but to those suggesting I get another dog: I volunteer with our local senior dog rescue but I haven't been in person since before Covid. I plan to get back to it soon though. I don't think I want another dog bc I work at a school during the school year and I'm not sure I want to deal with the stress and money involved with finding a dog walker. But thanks for the suggestion. And thanks everyone for your compassion and support. I really appreciate it.
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:11 PM on June 26, 2022
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:11 PM on June 26, 2022
You could get a cat.
posted by signal at 5:42 AM on June 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by signal at 5:42 AM on June 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
I kept the cat when I got divorced! and later got a dog guided by MY preferences around activity and size and slobber and everything and it’s frankly much better than it would have been trying to do that with my ex anyway! Dog tax
posted by Kpele at 9:26 AM on June 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Kpele at 9:26 AM on June 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
Big hugs. It will hurt for a good amount of time. My divorce was also my choice, and I cried on the way to work every day for at least 6 months, probably more. I also felt sad seeing other couples, and felt like I didn't understand marriage anymore. But all of that went away. I'm 7 years out now, and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Hang in there, really just try to take it one day at a time.
Also, do not underestimate how empowering it is to build an independent life after once being dependent on someone else. I've done a lot since my divorce that I wouldn't have done if I'd stayed married, and it feels amazing! I am proud, and you will be too.
posted by yawper at 10:41 AM on June 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
Also, do not underestimate how empowering it is to build an independent life after once being dependent on someone else. I've done a lot since my divorce that I wouldn't have done if I'd stayed married, and it feels amazing! I am proud, and you will be too.
posted by yawper at 10:41 AM on June 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am not telling you that you were right to break up, or that you were wrong. But a useful mantra in this time might be "hard things can be painful and difficult, that doesn't mean they're the wrong path".
posted by greenish at 7:13 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by greenish at 7:13 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm going to ask you to look me in the (virtual) eye and believe me: the cure is time; you will not always feel this way. Repeat that to yourself -- or imagine me repeating it to you -- as often as you need to.
This will sound harsh, but... I suggest that you relinquish the dog altogether, as long as you have no reason to think your ex will mistreat it. A clean break, in which you do not see your ex again for any reason, is easier and will speed up the work of time.
posted by humbug at 7:30 AM on June 26, 2022 [36 favorites]