I absolutely cannot be a support to anyone right now. Issue: tealt mode

June 24, 2022 4:15 PM

I am in the process of being diagnosed with MS or a related neurology disease. I have a friend who's wife is in the hospital with cancer and who has been leaning on me, a sister who wants to drunk cry Roe together, and an ICSI pregnant bestie who is hard-core struggling with 1st tri drug regime.

I won't have a definitive diagnosis for six weeks. Until then I am in stealth mode because people who love you do not want to hear "something is very wrong and it's probably MS" until it's MS, including my 80 year old mother.

But I cannot be a support for these people or any other people right now. I don't have anything left after trying to hold myself together to function in the aftermath of both a bad diagnosis and the trauma of the spinal tap needed to get there, which I am freshly dealing with.

How do I say no while holding back the reason why?

posted by DarlingBri to Health & Fitness (23 answers total)

Best answer: Lie! Through your teeth! No screens migraine is a good one, then turn that shit to mute, and check it once a day.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 4:18 PM on June 24, 2022 [34 favorites]

(This can work for up to a week, generally. You’ll be in my thoughts!)
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 4:19 PM on June 24, 2022

I do have debilitating crazy blah blah blah migraines that had to have a very big intense MS workup that I just up and took a week from my (blah blah important) job from. I told my boss and everyone else just migraine shit. Lie with migraines. Intense migraines. That you have to disappear for. I hear you. Sometimes all of my own stuff makes me incapable of taking on other people's (who I cate deeply about) stuff. Lie.
posted by atomicstone at 4:28 PM on June 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Agreed. Lying is absolutely legit, esp. with family, ESP with Mom. Even those with the best intentions can create so much extra stress by “caring” ; very few can legitimately care without having their own shit wrapped up in it. Love my mom and we get along great _because_ she does not know about a couple of my health challenges that she’d have a hard time with, telling me how to manage when she has noooooooo understanding or qualifications.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t know what exactly to recommend you say. I can suggest that because these people are adults you have no obligation to manage however they might feel as a result of your choices. You control the narrative and can direct it to your benefit. They might be confused, then might feel hurt, but (a) their problem not yours, and (b) not too long from now you can tell them why you had to do what you will have done, and they will understand.

This is a hard time. Good on you for taking care of yourself. You’re putting on your mask first. A time will come when all the others will be glad you did.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 4:38 PM on June 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

An unexpected help to me was finding a brand new (to me) coffee shop where I could spend some time reading and having coffee.

Having an hour or so that was not dedicated to anything medical or family-related was a blessing. It let me have human contact on my terms.
posted by calgirl at 5:07 PM on June 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

I feel you & im sorry you're going through this. I don't think you have to lie, but I wouldn't judge if you did. I would just be honest & say something like I think I have something going on I can't talk about yet and I can't be very supportive right now.
posted by bleep at 5:10 PM on June 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I also support straight up lying. Honestly, I fell in the shower and got a concussion is a great one. That actually happened to me (okay, I fell getting off a stationary bike actually), and given the place where I was in my life, just unplugging from everything for a week was a relief, even if I also felt like shit because, well, concussion.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:22 PM on June 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

Yep, if you want a blessing to lie, you have it. Six weeks is a long time to do that with so many people, though, so if you think a subset of them could handle it without making your life harder, the truth is absolutely fine here. "I'm actually going through some health stuff myself, I don't know much yet and won't be ready to talk about it for a couple of months, but meanwhile I love you a lot but I'm all out of energy and coping abilities and need to dial back and focus on myself right now." Potentially followed by an invitation to hang out and watch something fun and *not* talk about heavy things, or a plan to get lunch in a few weeks, or whatever level of contact actually works for you.
posted by Stacey at 5:28 PM on June 24, 2022 [14 favorites]

A lie is the best and kindest way. "Migraine" is excellent for this. Or something even vaguer if you want. "I'm so sorry, I'm not well, I fell asleep again. I find myself needing to sleep most of the time." Whatever's plausible.

DB, I am thinking of you and hoping whatever diagnosis comes will be something that provides a positive path for treatment.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:32 PM on June 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

You can say something like “I am honestly so overwhelmed right now that I can’t really be present with anything. I need to take a couple days/weeks off of doing anything other than things that are incredibly low stress to keep myself from having a meltdown.” Or “I’m finding myself pretty close to the breaking point because of a combination of the news and some personal things and need to do a stress detox pronto or I’m going to absolutely lose it.”
posted by Bottlecap at 5:46 PM on June 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

If your icsi friend needs an anonymous stranger to step in for support I’m in week 20. I handled the first tri drugs okay but really struggled with anxiety depression starting at 8 weeks. Volunteering my support for your friend and if that offers any relief for you.

Good luck awaiting your diagnosis.
posted by icaicaer at 5:50 PM on June 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

It might be hard to refer to a migraine for six weeks. But what about something very vague, like, "I'm having my own minor crisis right now. I should be able to talk in a few weeks, but right now I need to cocoon." Or something along those lines. Worded in a way that won't invite too much inquiry, but will buy you some time.

I realize this isn't at all minor, but downplaying it will hopefully deflect their alarm.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
posted by swheatie at 5:52 PM on June 24, 2022 [5 favorites]

If you happened to have already caught Covid, and you are now negative for it, and these facts are known to the other people, you could say you're experiencing exhaustion and maybe other symptoms on the long-Covid spectrum. It's a completely plausible lie because no one knows who will get symptoms of long Covid, when, or for how long.
posted by StrawberryPie at 6:03 PM on June 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I hope you get clarity soon. In the meantime, lying is the best option. Something like migraines would buy you a week or so for sure, and after that, you can reassess.
posted by rpfields at 6:33 PM on June 24, 2022

Boilerplate response. Won't work with everybody, YMMV:

It hurts me to say this, but I'm deeply sorry I can't be there for you at my usual level for the moment.

I'm even more sorry I can't elaborate as to why, except to say it's not by choice.

Please know that if I could, I would be there for you in a heartbeat. And if you let me, I will be there for you next time.

I expect to be back fully in your corner again in the near future, with a full explanation. Until then, please be patient with me and know my [love/care/compassion] for you is as strong as it has ever been.
posted by zaixfeep at 6:53 PM on June 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

Best answer: "I fell in the shower and got a concussion is a great one."

Nthing this. You can definitely milk "I'm recovering from a concussion" for six weeks to avoid people.

My husband had a bad concussion and was under doctor's orders to limit his exposure to screens, light, noise, being in cars, talking on the phone, etc. for months. Like the only thing we could do together was play Go Fish and even that wore him out quickly.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:32 PM on June 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm a big fan of "I'm sorry, I don't have the capacity right now". In part, the Roe thing also gives a good, not-health excuse to be like "I'm feeling very overwhelmed and need to focus on other things rather than process it right now", too. My peer group is absolutely devolving right now and people process grief differently.
posted by corb at 8:12 PM on June 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

I recently said something like “I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and need to unplug and rest for a while.” It was actually much more serious than that but no way was I getting into it. It was hard because I have a very troubled mom, sister going through a divorce, friend who was used to venting to me for hours a week about work.

Mom flipped her wig, which I expected; siblings and friends were respectful and understanding, at least to my face, which is all I cared about.
posted by kapers at 8:13 PM on June 24, 2022 [10 favorites]

What Stacey said. Do not pretend to have another condition unless you want to add a "wait, so it's not [condition] like you told me? Are you sure? Why'd you say that?" conversation to whatever conversation you'll be having later.
posted by kingdead at 10:15 PM on June 24, 2022 [8 favorites]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Six weeks is a long time and I wonder if you can spin some aspect of what is currently the truth to explain being stressed out and fatigued for a while. For example, "I had to have a procedure/I'm going through a series of treatments, it's unexpectedly invasive and it's left me exhausted." You could add, "It'll be OK, it'll be fine, I'll be fine, but it will take a few weeks/I really just need some time." If you say you're having tests, they are going to keep asking you about results, and you did have a procedure.

Sorry to make this sort of a choose-your-own adventure script. Your friends know what would be characteristic for you to say and some of them will probably be able to read between lines but hopefully they can still give you space.

Wishing you all the best with this.
posted by BibiRose at 4:43 AM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I appreciate the feedback and ideas and the support for #TeamLying which is the team I was opting for really.

Also I just wanted to clarify that my bestie can talk to me about shitty meds and vomming all she wants; I am worried about shielding her from the early pregnancy stress of my health crisis, not about shielding myself from her. I know she will understand in six weeks when I have something definitive to say. (And she knows I was just in the hospital and they are investigating via a lumbar puncture, I just have not said MS.)

I'm going with concussion for everyone else. Love a good concussion, thank you!
posted by DarlingBri at 12:00 PM on June 25, 2022 [11 favorites]

Response by poster: Update: I lied to the general public and I told my bestie shortly after they switched her from injections to suppositories and her misery and stress levels dropped significantly.

I did get an MS diagnosis on Thursday. It is a huge relief. My neurologist sent me straight from his office to A&E for admission to the neurology ward and we are starting aggressive treatment and my team is great. And now that there is a plan, I will tell my mom!

Thanks for helping me get here.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:05 AM on August 6, 2022 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Also I just wanted to add that I got therapy for the absolutely fucked and traumatic failed lumbar puncture and my GP supported me with a shitload of Xanax because we are devotees of the Church of Better Living Through Chemistry. The trauma faded with time, drugs and repeatedly talking about it. I will never have another one without sedation but if I ever do need one, I will cope!
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 AM on August 6, 2022 [4 favorites]