Dealing with gross public bathrooms

June 18, 2022 7:38 PM

Following the lifting of Covid restrictions, I have seen inside the bathroom at my child’s school and now I understand why he is having frequent accidents. What next?

The longer story: he’s almost six and has been dealing with almost daily accidents since the new year. I was tearing my hair out trying to figure out what was going on. It seemed like he was wetting the pants just enough to be damp, and then running to the bathroom to finish it. We tried everything, rewards, reminders, punishments, nothing seemed to work.

Finally, the aftercare teacher brought in a consultant to observe him and that was when we realized there was something sensory going on. She said he was reluctant to go into the bathroom, and racing out of there the second he could. I finally got a look in there when I picked him up early one day and was allowed in the classroom, and it is vile. The floor was wet, it smells very bad, they were pieces of toilet paper everywhere. I can see why he wouldn’t want to go in there.

When we spoke about it later, he also mentioned that the flush does not work properly. So people try to flush it, it doesn’t work, and then they get in trouble from the teacher for ‘not flushing.’ He is deeply afraid of getting into trouble, even for me, he will hide his face at home when I try to discipline them for even something minor. So I can see how in his mind, this will translate into never going into the bathroom unless he absolutely has to.

Unfortunately, the holding it in all day until he absolutely can’t method does not seem to be working and he is getting skin irritation from the chronic wet spots in his underwear. I’m afraid he’s developing some bad habits, even at home, because of this behavior. I don’t really have any control over the hygiene of the public school bathrooms. How can I teach him to work within this limitation and use the washroom successfully at school?

posted by ficbot to Health & Fitness (17 answers total)

oh, poor little guy.

is there a way to make it like a... adventure quest? like you tell him what you observed, so he knows you get it, but you make a game out of it? He's the hero and has to get through the swamp (the swamp is the damp floors.) Peeing/pooping in the bowl is ""throwing the ring in Mount Doom", or whatever over-the-top term seems on point -- if he's old enough, a little potty humor wouldn't go amiss here, to make the whole thing less scary. Washing his hands afterwards is the Waters of Redemption... making it out safely of the bathroom is another achievement...

I don't know if it'd work, but I remember I was able to get my toddler to accept having her teeth brushed with something like this, making it a silly game, and she had been shriekingly terrified of it to start with.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:47 PM on June 18, 2022 [3 favorites]

I don’t really have any control over the hygiene of the public school bathrooms.

You don't have control of the school bathrooms, but I would definitely bring this up with the teacher (and then elevate to administration of necessary). I've worked in schools before and, yes, people are overwhroked, but having access to safe and clean bathrooms is bare minimum.

Maybe ask if he can have access to a different bathroom (like is this bathroom in the classroom and the school has other bathrooms?)?
posted by VirginiaPlain at 7:49 PM on June 18, 2022 [36 favorites]

Oh, these poor kids. He can’t be the only one who finds the bathroom disgusting. Is there a health/nurse’s office that he can use instead? I would also contact the principal, and if that doesn’t work, contact the school district, about the lack of upkeep on the bathrooms. Nobody should have to deal with this.
posted by corey flood at 7:49 PM on June 18, 2022 [15 favorites]

What type of “the flush doesn’t” work is it? Like could you practice holding down the handle at home and counting to three together or listening to see if the tank is “quiet” and has water to flush before pulling the handle? (I realize it might be a more “commercial” style toilet but this aspect seem to be one of the most solvable to me
posted by raccoon409 at 7:50 PM on June 18, 2022

Hey there, where I live and teach there's a way to file a public complaint about an unsanitary and dysfunctional public school bathroom. Districts don't like things to get to that point because it becomes public record, so they usually act on the complaint same day. Maybe in your school district there's something similar?

It's unacceptable. Your son won't be the only one having issues. I'm sorry you're (all) going through this!

For reference, here's what it's called near me: Williams Complaint.
posted by Temeraria at 8:01 PM on June 18, 2022 [29 favorites]

people try to flush it, it doesn’t work, and then they get in trouble from the teacher for ‘not flushing.’

This is sad. It's not okay that his teacher is scolding or shaming kids because the toilet doesn't work properly.

I have worked as a teacher's aide in a classroom of kids the same age as your son and I think his teacher should really stop creating negative associations with using the bathroom.

Hopefully you can address the scolding/shaming with his teacher or an administrator. If you have a decent relationship with his teacher you might want to directly tell them that they are making your kid feel fearful about toilet time. If they are a decent teacher they will stop blaming their students for the faulty toilet.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 9:28 PM on June 18, 2022 [20 favorites]

There should be clean bathrooms. This is not your child’s fault.

If the bathrooms truly are unclean, and school folks are not responsive, you can contact your local board of health.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 4:37 AM on June 19, 2022 [11 favorites]

As a person who experienced the start of my OCD about cleanliness around the same age - please be aware of this as a possibility for him beyond this bathroom issue (I believe you that it's awful as well, just that this level of avoidance could mean other issues). My OCD got better with exposure therapy, getting used to dealing with feeling "unclean" over time and realizing that the acute feeling of unclean passes.

Getting in trouble for "not flushing" when the toilet doesn't work would be embarrassing for an adult. I would be focusing on why kids are being punished for such a stupid thing, as a start, with the school, and then berating the school for cleanliness issues.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:25 AM on June 19, 2022 [8 favorites]

I’m so irate on your behalf. I’d be tempted to tell the teacher that your child will use those disgusting facilities when the teacher does! I’m sure they would hate to be forced to use them. This is not his fault at all and I’d tell the board of health. There is no way the school doesn’t know about this. Unbelievable. Your poor child.
posted by Jubey at 5:33 AM on June 19, 2022 [5 favorites]

Why is he not wearing pull ups? The ones for older kids look like slightly puffy kids pants and kids can be taught to change them themselves. One of my kids has sensory issues and potty trained late and 90% of the stress was on me for social norms until I went ok, pull ups until whenever.

I would seriously consider having pull ups as school underwear with a spare pair and new shorts in a ziploc in his bag as the short term fix to minimise his distress over what will take longer to fix - those godawful bathrooms. And that definitely is the school's responsibility.

I bet there are other parents with unhappy kids, and a group of classroom parents complaining will get action faster.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:47 AM on June 19, 2022 [3 favorites]

Solve the correct problem.

Now that you know the problem is your child being scared (!!!) of the gross dysfunctional unsanitary bathroom, solve the bathroom, not the child!

Bathrooms in a school need to be clean and dry and not vile, and the toilets need to flush.

Teachers should be aware of the bathrooms’ condition, advocate on behalf of their students if the bathroom isn’t clean enough, and not scold a child for a mechanical failure, wtf?!

You need to address the bathrooms. As a kid I was scared of the school bathrooms because kids would climb onto the toilets and watch each other over the partition. So I would hold it for the whole day. Result: years of constipation and a bladder so big it literally holds a litre, which is actually kind of cool but also not healthy.

Childhood bathroom habits can have lifelong impacts on health, and this filth-and-fear-and-shame cycle is setting a very bad start for your kiddo!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:51 AM on June 19, 2022 [9 favorites]

A bathroom in that condition in a grade school is just so far beyond unacceptable that I'm sort of horrified on your - and your son's - behalf. It's *maybe* tolerated in an out-of-the-way, never-used gas station, but in a children's restroom? No.

Something like that would be a pretty big dealbreaker for me about sending my child to public school. If the school can't even get the bare minimum - like safe and sanitary bathroom facilities - taken care of, then how on earth could they possibly be providing competent childcare, let alone education?

I mean, seriously. A restaurant can get CLOSED by having public restrooms in that condition. If it isn't taken care of pronto, go above the teacher - and above the school's staff. Take that to the school district, the elected officials, and maybe even the press.

And maybe do a check on just what other things the school is skimping on - because I can't imagine that the bathroom is the least of it.
posted by stormyteal at 8:57 AM on June 19, 2022 [8 favorites]

Oh yes you do have control over the cleanliness of those bathrooms. Go take some photos (when it's empty of course). Then call the principal and tell them they need to get the janitorial situation figured out immediately or you'll be calling the superintendent, the board of health and reporting the story to all the local news channels.

Let them know you will be checking the bathrooms going forward to make sure they follow through. There's nothing quite as immediately motivating as the prospect of public shaming and job loss.

I've done similar things before and it has worked 100% of the time.
posted by ananci at 10:00 AM on June 19, 2022 [4 favorites]

I’m so sorry to hear your son has to deal with this. I’m a public schoolteacher and this is absolutely unacceptable in the US. (Other countries may not be able to meet the same standards but even a poor US school should.) We have had a lot of problems at my middle school this year due to dumb TikTok challenges so bathrooms will be locked at certain times (they can go downstairs to a central one) and sometimes we even take turns monitoring them by standing outside. If the school administration cannot or will not improve bathroom sanitation, please raise hell— first with the PTA that can be very powerful or just meh (depending on the school), then up the chain of command, including the school board and even local news if necessary. I’m sure other parents would also be horrified and willing to help once they have seen what you did. Again, I’m so so sorry that your son has to deal with this and that you have to take it on now too.
posted by smorgasbord at 4:37 PM on June 19, 2022 [1 favorite]

In addition to the advice given above, please work with your son's teachers to stop punishing him (or any student) for bathroom issues. I spent a good portion of my childhood being afraid to use the bathroom at school for fear that I couldn't do it "right". I ended up with recurring bladder infections at age 8 that didn't go away until I was in my 20s. Kid's gotta be able to pee without fearing shame, punishment, or being forced into unsanitary conditions.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 1:36 AM on June 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm a sub, and aside from raising hell, demanding clean restrooms etc or wearing pull ups, I would definitely get a work around where he has permission to use the school nurse restroom as a temporary measure.
posted by RedEmma at 11:21 AM on June 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

Speaking as a veteran leader of a couple hundred group bike rides (with our local club) -- we plan a pit stop for our less experienced riders every 10-15 miles without fail. No one, not even adults, should have to "hold it," or make a special request for a stop.

I've never thought of this in my life, but do the schools plan regular bathroom breaks for the little kids who don't travel from classroom to classroom every period? If not, why not? I guess as an older kid I was able to go between classes.

Access to the toilet shouldn't require a little kid to work up the courage to ask to go to the bathroom, much less the courage to confront the kind of filthy bathroom you've described.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:53 PM on June 20, 2022