How to stop being my own worst enemy
April 16, 2006 4:08 PM Subscribe
How do I control and/or fix my consistent, internal, self-inflicted judgment & comparison torture? I need advice on how to stop beating myself up in my work, my social and my personal life with my own head!
Basically I'm 26. I'm in a grad program doing comp.sci in a good university in the UK, I enjoy the area of computer science, and I'm bright and intelligent (according to most ppl).
I have had a normal upbringing and childhood. Perhaps a bit strict but nothing out of the ordinary. My problem is that I consistenly keep on torturing myself from waking to sleep. I keep on doing the following:
1. Comparing myself and my abilities with others around me (I'm always worse off in these).
2. Berating myself for not being as good as or as competant/accomplished as I want to be.
3. Feeling inadequate and generally like a big waste of space and time and energy in the world.
4. Feeling like I'm going nowhere.
5. Engaging in self-destructive behaviour (eg binging on food, getting angry or ODing on television)
6. Generally feeling like giving up and running away where nobody can find me.
7. Feeling like my life will be a failure -- financially, emotionally and spiritually
8. Always looking at the worst case scenario
9. Feeling I'm a fraud and a failure
10. Feeling others will recognize this about me and look down on me.
I spend so much of my time keeping tabs on and being aware of others that I hurt myself. I DON'T want to be like this. I want to be able to get up, do my bit and go to sleep without this internal turmoil that is self-inflicted.
I REALISE that different people have different strengths and weaknesses yet I still continue to do this. When it all becomes too much I escape into a world of television or morbidity. I can spend whole days asleep. I constantly judge and hammer myself from how witty I am, to the quality of code I write to how I dress.
I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS. I need it now and I need it to be successful in life. I am CONVINCED that I am my own worst enemy, I hurt my performance the most and by constantly doing this I get no joy at all, and hurt the work I do. I realise that if the worst-case scenario is true -- and all of this is indeed true (all the points listed above) I can still make my life a lot more liveable by just accepting it and being happy.
The funny thing about this is that I really honestly feel if I could kick this internal turmoil not only would I be much happier and enjoy life more, but I would also be better than most at what I do, because it would stop being a self-critical task to one of pure love and enjoyment.
I go through phases of ups and downs, but even the ups are low. So please MeFI, help me or give me advice on how I can become more +ve and happy with myself without the constant baseball bat over my head. Any pointers appreciated