Healing from a weird break-up
June 13, 2022 5:11 PM Subscribe
How to heal from a weird, ambiguous heartbreak filled with false promises and hope?
I was with my girlfriend for a little over a year. When we were together, the relationship was magic, filled with tenderness, intimacy, amazing sex and mutual healing and I was deeply in love with her. I’m a lesbian and came out somewhat late in life, when I was 27 (I’m 32 now) and though I’ve dated other people and had other relationships in the intervening time, this was the first time in my life that I felt truly secure and cared for in a romantic relationship. For a long time, I felt like there was no chance of me having a real future, getting married or having a family of my own due to being gay (I also come from a very homophobic family and a conservative non-Western culture) and with her, it felt like those things were finally possible. We talked frequently about our futures together, including having children and it was astonishing to me that something I had subconsciously felt I didn’t deserve was possible for me.
The reasons for our breakup are straightforward. Our schedules were drastically incompatible (she works only night shifts) and she lives an hour away from me, which caused a lot of strain throughout our relationship. She is also a bit of a people-pleaser and when she broke up with me, she was extremely affectionate, told me she loved me for the first time, made me promise that we would still be close friends and that I must send her updates on a family member’s health emergency, that we could still cuddle and even have sex if I wanted and independently offered to join me at a Pride dance party event I had told her I planned to attend a few days later.
Though I was heartbroken, I felt no urgent sense of loss or grief or rejection because she had told me she loved me and made me promise that we would still be in each others’ lives. She also sent me sweet messages reaffirming that she loved me and various cute inside jokes. A few days later, I sent her a text and heard nothing from her. She also didn’t show up at the event and sent me a text very late at night, when it was nearly over, giving a brusque, work-related explanation why. I was drunk and had spent the last week spiraling, so hopeful that we could still be in each others’ lives and then so heartbroken and disappointed and sent her a torrent of hostile messages telling her that I didn’t believe she had ever loved me, that it would have been much kinder to have just told me that she didn’t want to talk to me, instead of making false promises and stuff in that line. It’s been three days and I haven’t heard any response from her about any of this.
I know that the only way to heal a breakup is time. What else can I do? The last week filled with false promises and getting my hopes up and then dashed has done such a number on my heart and I don’t know how to feel better. I feel desperately lonely and I can’t think of anything but her.
I was with my girlfriend for a little over a year. When we were together, the relationship was magic, filled with tenderness, intimacy, amazing sex and mutual healing and I was deeply in love with her. I’m a lesbian and came out somewhat late in life, when I was 27 (I’m 32 now) and though I’ve dated other people and had other relationships in the intervening time, this was the first time in my life that I felt truly secure and cared for in a romantic relationship. For a long time, I felt like there was no chance of me having a real future, getting married or having a family of my own due to being gay (I also come from a very homophobic family and a conservative non-Western culture) and with her, it felt like those things were finally possible. We talked frequently about our futures together, including having children and it was astonishing to me that something I had subconsciously felt I didn’t deserve was possible for me.
The reasons for our breakup are straightforward. Our schedules were drastically incompatible (she works only night shifts) and she lives an hour away from me, which caused a lot of strain throughout our relationship. She is also a bit of a people-pleaser and when she broke up with me, she was extremely affectionate, told me she loved me for the first time, made me promise that we would still be close friends and that I must send her updates on a family member’s health emergency, that we could still cuddle and even have sex if I wanted and independently offered to join me at a Pride dance party event I had told her I planned to attend a few days later.
Though I was heartbroken, I felt no urgent sense of loss or grief or rejection because she had told me she loved me and made me promise that we would still be in each others’ lives. She also sent me sweet messages reaffirming that she loved me and various cute inside jokes. A few days later, I sent her a text and heard nothing from her. She also didn’t show up at the event and sent me a text very late at night, when it was nearly over, giving a brusque, work-related explanation why. I was drunk and had spent the last week spiraling, so hopeful that we could still be in each others’ lives and then so heartbroken and disappointed and sent her a torrent of hostile messages telling her that I didn’t believe she had ever loved me, that it would have been much kinder to have just told me that she didn’t want to talk to me, instead of making false promises and stuff in that line. It’s been three days and I haven’t heard any response from her about any of this.
I know that the only way to heal a breakup is time. What else can I do? The last week filled with false promises and getting my hopes up and then dashed has done such a number on my heart and I don’t know how to feel better. I feel desperately lonely and I can’t think of anything but her.
I'm sorry you're in the thick of it.
First, I'd send your ex an apology text, owning up the fact that you were waaay out of line sending her a torrent of hostile messages. From my outsiders perspective, while I can appreciate why you'd feel hurt, I don't see where she did anything wrong. For all you know, she does feel love for you and the good relationship you both shared, even if practicalities of work/distance got in the way. And for all you know, she was telling the truth and really couldn't come for a work-related reason. Just because she hoped to still be in your life, doesn't mean she wanted to be in your life as a girlfriend - her offer was as a friend or a friend with benefits, which isn't someone you can depend on to be there for you (at least, not in the way you depended on her before).
Perhaps she could mentally make that switch quickly because she's had practice doing this - but given this was your first serious love, of course it wasn't so easy for you to do so! Perhaps she should have known better, unless she didn't realize how special she had been for you? In any case, I'd send a brief text along the lines of "Sorry, I clearly am not dealing with the end of our relationship as well as I thought I could, I regret those hostile texts, but I need to spend the next couple months going no-contact while I heal from this. I wish you the best though."
posted by coffeecat at 5:26 PM on June 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
First, I'd send your ex an apology text, owning up the fact that you were waaay out of line sending her a torrent of hostile messages. From my outsiders perspective, while I can appreciate why you'd feel hurt, I don't see where she did anything wrong. For all you know, she does feel love for you and the good relationship you both shared, even if practicalities of work/distance got in the way. And for all you know, she was telling the truth and really couldn't come for a work-related reason. Just because she hoped to still be in your life, doesn't mean she wanted to be in your life as a girlfriend - her offer was as a friend or a friend with benefits, which isn't someone you can depend on to be there for you (at least, not in the way you depended on her before).
Perhaps she could mentally make that switch quickly because she's had practice doing this - but given this was your first serious love, of course it wasn't so easy for you to do so! Perhaps she should have known better, unless she didn't realize how special she had been for you? In any case, I'd send a brief text along the lines of "Sorry, I clearly am not dealing with the end of our relationship as well as I thought I could, I regret those hostile texts, but I need to spend the next couple months going no-contact while I heal from this. I wish you the best though."
posted by coffeecat at 5:26 PM on June 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh I’m so sorry.
I want you to know that this is very common — my first relationship (also a lesbian relationship) ended in a similar way. We broke up but agreed that we were still friends and still wanted to hang out, which took the sting away. Briefly, I felt very proud that I had handled the breakup in such a mature way. We went to a party together the next weekend which I was really looking forward to, but she ended up ignoring me most of the time and we went home separately. THAT’S when the pain of the breakup really started to sink in for me, and it was doubly painful because I felt like a fool for believing that things weren’t going to be different.
I think there’s a tendency in same-sex relationships, especially female ones, to feel like we’ve got things figured out more than heterosexual couples in a sense — we know ourselves better, we can handle our relationships, we can stay friends after a breakup with minimal drama. And because gay communities are so small, friend groups do tend to consist of people who used to date.
But breakups also require distance, and that’s not something I fully understood until a few years later. I know lots of people who remained friends after breaking up. I don’t know anyone who moved straight into being friends without taking at least a few months apart first. I couldn’t see that at the time but I see that now. Once I had changed enough as a person that I didn’t WANT to date her anymore, then I felt comfortable being friends.
Just know that what you’re going through is very normal and it will pass. Try to bring something new into your life — a new food or a new hobby or a walk through a different neighborhood. If there’s any parts of yourself or any interests you felt like you couldn’t fully explore during your relationship, lean into those now. Do what you can to give yourself pleasant sensory experiences in the moment — a soft blanket, fresh air, sunlight, warm showers — even if you’re still very sad. Even if your brain isn’t happy you can make your body happy, and it does help.
posted by mekily at 7:09 PM on June 13, 2022 [17 favorites]
I want you to know that this is very common — my first relationship (also a lesbian relationship) ended in a similar way. We broke up but agreed that we were still friends and still wanted to hang out, which took the sting away. Briefly, I felt very proud that I had handled the breakup in such a mature way. We went to a party together the next weekend which I was really looking forward to, but she ended up ignoring me most of the time and we went home separately. THAT’S when the pain of the breakup really started to sink in for me, and it was doubly painful because I felt like a fool for believing that things weren’t going to be different.
I think there’s a tendency in same-sex relationships, especially female ones, to feel like we’ve got things figured out more than heterosexual couples in a sense — we know ourselves better, we can handle our relationships, we can stay friends after a breakup with minimal drama. And because gay communities are so small, friend groups do tend to consist of people who used to date.
But breakups also require distance, and that’s not something I fully understood until a few years later. I know lots of people who remained friends after breaking up. I don’t know anyone who moved straight into being friends without taking at least a few months apart first. I couldn’t see that at the time but I see that now. Once I had changed enough as a person that I didn’t WANT to date her anymore, then I felt comfortable being friends.
Just know that what you’re going through is very normal and it will pass. Try to bring something new into your life — a new food or a new hobby or a walk through a different neighborhood. If there’s any parts of yourself or any interests you felt like you couldn’t fully explore during your relationship, lean into those now. Do what you can to give yourself pleasant sensory experiences in the moment — a soft blanket, fresh air, sunlight, warm showers — even if you’re still very sad. Even if your brain isn’t happy you can make your body happy, and it does help.
posted by mekily at 7:09 PM on June 13, 2022 [17 favorites]
Best answer: I would say something like,
Dear Name,
Our relationship was really special and meant a lot to me so breaking up is hard. When you promised me we’d still spend time, have sex, and communicate, and go to events together, I wanted those things, and I believed you meant it.
When you didn’t come to the event the other night by standing me up and only sending a late brief email, it really hurt and I felt very angry at you.
Still, I had no right to send you hostile messages so I am really sorry I did that. You deserve respectful communication. I’m especially sorry for saying (anything specific that was over the line). That crossed a line and I should not have said that. I shouldn’t have sent those texts and I truly apologize for them.
Partial contact is hard for me and I need space apart right now. I am going to unlink us on all social media and not contact you any more. I hope some time in the future we can be in touch but I realize now I need time with zero contact - probably a few months - before we communicate again.
(If applicable: I still have your (items). I will put them in a box and leave them with (friend) for you to pick up next week.)
Again, I’m so sorry for the angry messages I sent you. You did not deserve that.
Our relationship meant a lot to me. Thank you for the time we spent together.
-Name.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:32 PM on June 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
Dear Name,
Our relationship was really special and meant a lot to me so breaking up is hard. When you promised me we’d still spend time, have sex, and communicate, and go to events together, I wanted those things, and I believed you meant it.
When you didn’t come to the event the other night by standing me up and only sending a late brief email, it really hurt and I felt very angry at you.
Still, I had no right to send you hostile messages so I am really sorry I did that. You deserve respectful communication. I’m especially sorry for saying (anything specific that was over the line). That crossed a line and I should not have said that. I shouldn’t have sent those texts and I truly apologize for them.
Partial contact is hard for me and I need space apart right now. I am going to unlink us on all social media and not contact you any more. I hope some time in the future we can be in touch but I realize now I need time with zero contact - probably a few months - before we communicate again.
(If applicable: I still have your (items). I will put them in a box and leave them with (friend) for you to pick up next week.)
Again, I’m so sorry for the angry messages I sent you. You did not deserve that.
Our relationship meant a lot to me. Thank you for the time we spent together.
-Name.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:32 PM on June 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
"I know that the only way to heal a breakup is time. What else can I do?"
Create some sort of change in your life that inspires you to see the future differently.
Years ago, I fell madly in love and had my heart broken. Afterward, as I looked around my home, I saw her, everywhere. So, I rearranged the furniture. I know that sounds dumb, but here's the thing: when I woke the next morning, I didn't see empty places where her stuff used to be. Instead, I saw change, because everything had been moved. And the change helped.
The reality is this: You are whole. You always were. But you're experiencing loss, and that's perfectly normal. In fact, it's healthy. It sucks! But it's healthy. So, the thing to do now is find ways to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. Obviously, it's not easy, but it's worth the effort.
Create change that inspires you. Dive back into your hobbies, or maybe discover new ones. Make time for reconnecting with old friends. Make time for inspiring yourself. Treat yourself to little indulgences that aren't unhealthy. Last, but not least, give yourself permission to let go of the relationship that has ended.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 1:21 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Create some sort of change in your life that inspires you to see the future differently.
Years ago, I fell madly in love and had my heart broken. Afterward, as I looked around my home, I saw her, everywhere. So, I rearranged the furniture. I know that sounds dumb, but here's the thing: when I woke the next morning, I didn't see empty places where her stuff used to be. Instead, I saw change, because everything had been moved. And the change helped.
The reality is this: You are whole. You always were. But you're experiencing loss, and that's perfectly normal. In fact, it's healthy. It sucks! But it's healthy. So, the thing to do now is find ways to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. Obviously, it's not easy, but it's worth the effort.
Create change that inspires you. Dive back into your hobbies, or maybe discover new ones. Make time for reconnecting with old friends. Make time for inspiring yourself. Treat yourself to little indulgences that aren't unhealthy. Last, but not least, give yourself permission to let go of the relationship that has ended.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 1:21 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: There's this peak in feelings in the time around (before, during, after) a break-up. It makes sense--our brains recognize patterns, so changing patterns stand out against a backdrop of routine. Keep this in mind, and roll with it. A resilient spirit is one that doesn't try to avoid these difficult, confronting feelings. A resilient mindset says, wow, I am feeling some deep stuff... let me make some room for that. Take the time to feel those feelings. Pay attention to them, because they're telling you valuable things about yourself, about what you value, about what you will and won't seek in the future, about what you will and won't tolerate in the future.
Life changes, transitions, these things can be exhausting on the one hand and--eventually--thrilling on the other. Take care of yourself through the exhaustion. Be open to the possibilities of what comes next when you get to the point you can think about that. In my breakup it took me a very long time to get there (and the help of a lot of close friends and family, and eventually the first therapist I ever sought out in my life). Whether or not you get some therapy, count on your trusted loved ones to help you shoulder your pain right now. That's a big part of the reason they're there--they love you and your fellowship with them is a way for us to share our burdens.Don't feel like you have to be an unmoved stoic in their presence.
Lastly--and this is a doozy--stop communicating with your ex. Maybe there's a future in which the two of you are friends, but now is not that time. As much as you can bear it--or even if you can't bear it--do yourself a favor and end contact for now. You don't even have to say that's what you're doing. Just do it, and give yourself a break from this relationship, from this person. Part of what your brain needs to "let time do its job" is to really, truly be out of contact with them. The more you reach out and prolong contact, the more you're drawing out the physiological part of heartache and heartbreak. Cutting contact allows those raw nerves to heal as your brain learns to get through a day, a week, a month without the stimulus of contact with you-know-who. It's such a weird thing, this skill that our brains have to repair when given a social blank, but it's something that I look back on in my own life with grateful wonder. In time, this lack of contact is what transmutes the pain of loss into a memory of the pain of loss. It's what does the alchemy on a former partner and turns them into something neutral, something that can be built into a friend again if you so choose (or, equally valid, be built into nothing and kept on the shelf as a memory).
Big hugs. You're not alone.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:17 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
Life changes, transitions, these things can be exhausting on the one hand and--eventually--thrilling on the other. Take care of yourself through the exhaustion. Be open to the possibilities of what comes next when you get to the point you can think about that. In my breakup it took me a very long time to get there (and the help of a lot of close friends and family, and eventually the first therapist I ever sought out in my life). Whether or not you get some therapy, count on your trusted loved ones to help you shoulder your pain right now. That's a big part of the reason they're there--they love you and your fellowship with them is a way for us to share our burdens.Don't feel like you have to be an unmoved stoic in their presence.
Lastly--and this is a doozy--stop communicating with your ex. Maybe there's a future in which the two of you are friends, but now is not that time. As much as you can bear it--or even if you can't bear it--do yourself a favor and end contact for now. You don't even have to say that's what you're doing. Just do it, and give yourself a break from this relationship, from this person. Part of what your brain needs to "let time do its job" is to really, truly be out of contact with them. The more you reach out and prolong contact, the more you're drawing out the physiological part of heartache and heartbreak. Cutting contact allows those raw nerves to heal as your brain learns to get through a day, a week, a month without the stimulus of contact with you-know-who. It's such a weird thing, this skill that our brains have to repair when given a social blank, but it's something that I look back on in my own life with grateful wonder. In time, this lack of contact is what transmutes the pain of loss into a memory of the pain of loss. It's what does the alchemy on a former partner and turns them into something neutral, something that can be built into a friend again if you so choose (or, equally valid, be built into nothing and kept on the shelf as a memory).
Big hugs. You're not alone.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:17 AM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't say anything else to her. She did lie to you, both about loving you and wanting to remain in your life. Not to mention specific plans like the pride party. The cruelest part is telling you she loved you for the first time while breaking up. WTF mate.
Anyway, it really does take time. Just hang in there the best you can right now. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
And ultimately I think it will help not to be too hard on her. I wouldn't apologize or contact her for any reason right now, or maybe ever. But look, she probably did care about you. She just didn't have the guts to do right by you with a cleaner break. Instead she left a jagged wound with a serrated blade. That's just manifestation of her own human weakness.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:03 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Anyway, it really does take time. Just hang in there the best you can right now. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
And ultimately I think it will help not to be too hard on her. I wouldn't apologize or contact her for any reason right now, or maybe ever. But look, she probably did care about you. She just didn't have the guts to do right by you with a cleaner break. Instead she left a jagged wound with a serrated blade. That's just manifestation of her own human weakness.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:03 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would advise against apologizing for any angry texts you may have sent. That 1. prolongs contact 2. yeah, if you break up with someone while telling them you love them and that you're still going to hang out and have sex you're going to get a bitter response when none of those things happen. You've said your piece (and she richly deserved it, from what I can tell) and you're done.
posted by kingdead at 6:20 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 6:20 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Leave the communication where it is. You are angry, rightfully so, and you need your anger right now. You've been pretty materially manipulated - all the soft-pedaling in the breakup, which you are still framing as "look how great: she finally said she loved me as we broke up" instead of "she said a bunch of bullshit so I wouldn't get mad at her because that's her highest priority" - and that can and should evoke a strong emotional reaction.
Time really is the only thing that helps, and the perspective time brings, but you can sometimes make time pass faster by being busy, and by engaging parts of your brain that maybe don't get normal workouts: if you don't have a creative career, try drawing classes locally or even just free on youtube; take swim classes if you don't regularly swim; see if you can find volunteer opportunities in your local area. If you live in an area that has volunteer opportunities to work with queer elders, that might actually be both the busy-ness AND the perspective you can use right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:29 AM on June 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
Time really is the only thing that helps, and the perspective time brings, but you can sometimes make time pass faster by being busy, and by engaging parts of your brain that maybe don't get normal workouts: if you don't have a creative career, try drawing classes locally or even just free on youtube; take swim classes if you don't regularly swim; see if you can find volunteer opportunities in your local area. If you live in an area that has volunteer opportunities to work with queer elders, that might actually be both the busy-ness AND the perspective you can use right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:29 AM on June 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for all your kind words and wisdom. Reading through these answers was really soothing and helped bring home to me how much the pain and rejection came from her telling my she loved me the way she did and reassured me that it will feel better soon.
posted by armadillo1224 at 1:01 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by armadillo1224 at 1:01 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
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And I would leave things as they are for now - I know that you sent her some mean texts, but I feel like you might be thinking that if you could just say the perfect thing she would finally understand and see things your way and fix things and make everything all better again. But I speak from experience when I say, that's your heartbreak talking, and it isn't going to work.
And she DID do you a dis-service saying that you could still be friends and still have sex; all that does is prolong the recovery, it's like you're trying to get over an addiction but you keep going back for just a taste of the thing you're addicted to. I'm not saying you CAN'T be friends, but you need to both let things be apart for a while and heal and then reach back out later, when you're both clearer-eyed about what you need out of any relationship and where things fell short in this one and whether the things she CAN offer you can do you any good.
And in the meantime, time really is the best thing - and to cope with waiting for time to pass, you can write about it or have angry solo dance parties in your kitchen or watch cheesy movies and cry for a solid four hours and eat nothing but ice cream one day and....
And call your other friends, and tell them you need some extra support right now. But I would let your ex alone for at LEAST six months, if not a year, to let the dust settle. And I say that from experience in trying to stay friends with exes myself - one of them did what your girlfriend was offering, saying we could still have sex sometimes, and one said no, he didn't do that. And the guy who drew that boundary and said no to the sex, we made that transition a lot more smoothly.
It sucks. I know.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:20 PM on June 13, 2022 [11 favorites]