House co-ownership after breakup
May 22, 2022 3:01 PM Subscribe
I need some general guidance as to how to handle the situation and which direction to seek professional advice.
YANML
We purchased the house together four years ago, not married. Legally we co-own it 50/50. I paid for DP and renovations, so he still owes me a large amount.
I've moved out since our break up last Fall, and we agreed that for the time being I continue paying only a small amount of the mortgage to keep a closet full of stuff there until we figure things out.
Currently, he intends to buy out my half of the house, which I am okay with, but with interest rates being so high at the moment, he's not keen on refinancing right now, so is asking if we can keep co-owning it while he lives there.
I don't love the idea, but also understand that the longer we own it, the more the property value will go up by the time we appraise it. I know about the rule where I have to live in it for two of the last five years in order to not pay taxes on the amount made when I sell it, so I'm not okay with doing this for long.
My question is if we co-own it for another year, what is a fair way to deal w the mortgage? Does he pay all of it since I'm not living in it? Is that fair for my name to stay on while not paying anything? My head is overwhelmed when I think about this. Also, what professional should I talk to? Real estate lawyer? Financial advisor? We are cordial enough that I don't think I need to retain a lawyer, but I also want to cover my bases.
Thank you for your help.
YANML
We purchased the house together four years ago, not married. Legally we co-own it 50/50. I paid for DP and renovations, so he still owes me a large amount.
I've moved out since our break up last Fall, and we agreed that for the time being I continue paying only a small amount of the mortgage to keep a closet full of stuff there until we figure things out.
Currently, he intends to buy out my half of the house, which I am okay with, but with interest rates being so high at the moment, he's not keen on refinancing right now, so is asking if we can keep co-owning it while he lives there.
I don't love the idea, but also understand that the longer we own it, the more the property value will go up by the time we appraise it. I know about the rule where I have to live in it for two of the last five years in order to not pay taxes on the amount made when I sell it, so I'm not okay with doing this for long.
My question is if we co-own it for another year, what is a fair way to deal w the mortgage? Does he pay all of it since I'm not living in it? Is that fair for my name to stay on while not paying anything? My head is overwhelmed when I think about this. Also, what professional should I talk to? Real estate lawyer? Financial advisor? We are cordial enough that I don't think I need to retain a lawyer, but I also want to cover my bases.
Thank you for your help.
I really hope you reconsider getting a lawyer because you sound very generous and he sounds like someone who's willing to exploit that for his own financial benefit.
Yes, interest rates are going up but you know what's likely to go down next year? Home values, especially if there's the recession experts are predicting. What does that mean for you? He could arguably pay you less than what he is paying right now. Even if home values don't go down much, stay steady or just slightly increase, he's being stupid or conniving, both of which are detrimental.
This man STILL owes you "a large amount" of money for DP and renovations, and he's unlikely to ever pay you back for that. Please keep your receipts and proof of any agreements, even just via text or the like, and please get ready to fight. You are being naive and foolish and he is taking advantage of you. I am rarely so black-and-white in my advice here but I am concerned for you. I was in a similar situation, albeit not shared home ownership, and it took a particular friend coming and observing things. I am so grateful she talked some sense into me, and helped me set some better boundaries. I'm surely never going to get that money back but thank goodness I was able to move on without more financial damage. I know some Mefites may offer a more gentle answer and I support them but please also consider a more harsh interpretation. We want to help you look out for your own best interest because he certainly isn't.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:19 PM on May 22, 2022 [29 favorites]
Yes, interest rates are going up but you know what's likely to go down next year? Home values, especially if there's the recession experts are predicting. What does that mean for you? He could arguably pay you less than what he is paying right now. Even if home values don't go down much, stay steady or just slightly increase, he's being stupid or conniving, both of which are detrimental.
This man STILL owes you "a large amount" of money for DP and renovations, and he's unlikely to ever pay you back for that. Please keep your receipts and proof of any agreements, even just via text or the like, and please get ready to fight. You are being naive and foolish and he is taking advantage of you. I am rarely so black-and-white in my advice here but I am concerned for you. I was in a similar situation, albeit not shared home ownership, and it took a particular friend coming and observing things. I am so grateful she talked some sense into me, and helped me set some better boundaries. I'm surely never going to get that money back but thank goodness I was able to move on without more financial damage. I know some Mefites may offer a more gentle answer and I support them but please also consider a more harsh interpretation. We want to help you look out for your own best interest because he certainly isn't.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:19 PM on May 22, 2022 [29 favorites]
The relationship is over. You need to cut ties. The current situation is benefitting him in a way that makes me wonder if you are not comfortable advocating for yourself. I would also not necessarily subscribe to the idea that real estate always rises in value or that interest rates will drop. Something like a fire or major damage requiring insurance payouts would just make everything complicated. I would suggest:
Option 1 - sell the house, split the equity equally after you get the full amount of your downpayment and reno money back.
Option 2 - Get an appraisal of the value of the house so you know what you are dealing with.
From that number subtract the current mortgage.
Now you have the current equity in the house. Divide in half and put into two columns. In your column put the value of the downpayment and the renovations on and subtract that from his side (so if you add the two sides together it is again the whole equity number).
Now add the mortgage and YOUR side of the column together. That will be a pretty big number. Can he get approved for that? Can he pay the mortgage monthly without you chipping in? After 30 days the appraisal is stale and the house should just be put up for sale or you move to sue him (this is where you need lawyer to explain your options in your jurisdiction when this goes sideways - and this is 99% sure to go sideways and your lack of self-advocacy means you need someone to advocate for you).
You should talk to a lawyer (family law) for a bit of guidance. You say you are civil, however I suspect that is because you are being a pushover. As soon as you assert needs that contradict what he wants I think the civility will leave. If he was truly civil he would have solved this before Christmas and given you the money you are due.
posted by saucysault at 3:22 PM on May 22, 2022 [19 favorites]
Option 1 - sell the house, split the equity equally after you get the full amount of your downpayment and reno money back.
Option 2 - Get an appraisal of the value of the house so you know what you are dealing with.
From that number subtract the current mortgage.
Now you have the current equity in the house. Divide in half and put into two columns. In your column put the value of the downpayment and the renovations on and subtract that from his side (so if you add the two sides together it is again the whole equity number).
Now add the mortgage and YOUR side of the column together. That will be a pretty big number. Can he get approved for that? Can he pay the mortgage monthly without you chipping in? After 30 days the appraisal is stale and the house should just be put up for sale or you move to sue him (this is where you need lawyer to explain your options in your jurisdiction when this goes sideways - and this is 99% sure to go sideways and your lack of self-advocacy means you need someone to advocate for you).
You should talk to a lawyer (family law) for a bit of guidance. You say you are civil, however I suspect that is because you are being a pushover. As soon as you assert needs that contradict what he wants I think the civility will leave. If he was truly civil he would have solved this before Christmas and given you the money you are due.
posted by saucysault at 3:22 PM on May 22, 2022 [19 favorites]
I also second saucysalt's suggestion of selling the house and splitting the equity after you get the full amount of your downpayment and reno money back.
I know my tone was quite harsh: I am not criticizing you for being kind but rather angry at him for being such a jerk. I want to help you get back what you deserve -- we all do here -- and I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:25 PM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
I know my tone was quite harsh: I am not criticizing you for being kind but rather angry at him for being such a jerk. I want to help you get back what you deserve -- we all do here -- and I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:25 PM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
but with interest rates being so high at the moment, he's not keen on refinancing right now
Focusing in just on this one point: interest rates have gone up pretty dramatically over the last few months, but that's from an extremely low pandemic baseline. They're still pretty normal by the standards of the post 2008 financial world. (Which also means they're still extremely low by the standards of a longer historical perspective.)
I would strongly advise against betting hundreds of thousands of dollars on the proposition that rates will be substantially lower any time in the next few years.
posted by firechicago at 3:56 PM on May 22, 2022 [16 favorites]
Focusing in just on this one point: interest rates have gone up pretty dramatically over the last few months, but that's from an extremely low pandemic baseline. They're still pretty normal by the standards of the post 2008 financial world. (Which also means they're still extremely low by the standards of a longer historical perspective.)
I would strongly advise against betting hundreds of thousands of dollars on the proposition that rates will be substantially lower any time in the next few years.
posted by firechicago at 3:56 PM on May 22, 2022 [16 favorites]
I agree with those above that you are being very kind at your own expense and that the cleanest way forward is to sell the house and split the equity, with the caveat that he sees none of it until you're reimbursed for your downpayment and renovation money. I would hate to see your credit tarnished or your ability to purchase another home--or even rent one as nice as you could afford if you weren't burdened by this arrangement--hindered.
If you accept his terms you are also relying on him to keep the place in good order to preserve its value. Similarly, you're assuming the risk of something expensive going wrong or failing to maximize the sales price because he hasn't done his part, leaves his socks on the floor during the open house, or whatever.
My advice: 1) Lawyer up. 2) Channel Miss Manners and explain that his house disposition ideas are not possible. Repeat ad nauseum without explanation. Explanations only serve to prompt attempts at renegotiation. 3) Assert a deadline, get it and other conditions/consequences recommended by your attorney in writing and obtain his signature. 4) Communicate only through your lawyer, especially if you think you might capitulate to him. Yes, all of this will be expensive, but breakups always are and, as the joke goes, that's because they're worth it.
BTW, your ex also benefitted from your ability to pay for the renovation, which presumably increased the value of your home and thus enables him to realize more profit than he otherwise would. Charging you rent to keep a closet full of stuff when he owes you $BigBucks is so ridiculous that it makes me question whether he has any financial wherewithal to make you whole.
posted by carmicha at 4:35 PM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
If you accept his terms you are also relying on him to keep the place in good order to preserve its value. Similarly, you're assuming the risk of something expensive going wrong or failing to maximize the sales price because he hasn't done his part, leaves his socks on the floor during the open house, or whatever.
My advice: 1) Lawyer up. 2) Channel Miss Manners and explain that his house disposition ideas are not possible. Repeat ad nauseum without explanation. Explanations only serve to prompt attempts at renegotiation. 3) Assert a deadline, get it and other conditions/consequences recommended by your attorney in writing and obtain his signature. 4) Communicate only through your lawyer, especially if you think you might capitulate to him. Yes, all of this will be expensive, but breakups always are and, as the joke goes, that's because they're worth it.
BTW, your ex also benefitted from your ability to pay for the renovation, which presumably increased the value of your home and thus enables him to realize more profit than he otherwise would. Charging you rent to keep a closet full of stuff when he owes you $BigBucks is so ridiculous that it makes me question whether he has any financial wherewithal to make you whole.
posted by carmicha at 4:35 PM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
Hold on now. I just noticed that you moved out LAST FALL. This has dragged on too long already, and you've already missed the moment vis-a-vis high real estate values and low interest rates.
It's worth sitting with this question: Why are you staying entangled in this relationship?
posted by carmicha at 4:40 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
It's worth sitting with this question: Why are you staying entangled in this relationship?
posted by carmicha at 4:40 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yeah, you should have sold the house or he should have refinanced months ago. But that doesn't really change anything. Do it now. If he can't or won't refinance now, sell it, reimburse your greater contribution, then split any additional.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:45 PM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 4:45 PM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
You are being naive and he is taking advantage of you.
You are being kind and generous too.
YOU NEED TO BE SELF-CENTERED AND SELFISH.
There are a few times in life where you need to be 100% focused on you. This is one of them. You need to gather a crew and act with vigour and decisiveness. You can be self-centred, selfish, and ethical. Everything you've described benefits your ex, not you. He's being self-centred and selfish and possibly not ethical (trying to take advantage of you). You will not be a bad person if you stand up for your own benefit and financial well-being.
Get a lawyer and draw up a contractual financial settlement with a timeline that makes financial sense to you.
posted by Thella at 5:02 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
You are being kind and generous too.
YOU NEED TO BE SELF-CENTERED AND SELFISH.
There are a few times in life where you need to be 100% focused on you. This is one of them. You need to gather a crew and act with vigour and decisiveness. You can be self-centred, selfish, and ethical. Everything you've described benefits your ex, not you. He's being self-centred and selfish and possibly not ethical (trying to take advantage of you). You will not be a bad person if you stand up for your own benefit and financial well-being.
Get a lawyer and draw up a contractual financial settlement with a timeline that makes financial sense to you.
posted by Thella at 5:02 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Sell. You get all of your downpayment and reno costs back. If he wants to buy it, fine. But he buys it AT FAIR MARKET PRICE so that you get what is actually owed you. Get a lawyer and get this settled. Stop letting him drag this out
posted by Bottlecap at 5:14 PM on May 22, 2022
posted by Bottlecap at 5:14 PM on May 22, 2022
interest rates being so high at the moment, he's not keen on refinancing right now,
This is not your problem.
Getting legal advice is not the same as retaining someone, and it's not a threat to cordiality -- it's about being able to make an informed decision that isn't based on what's best for him, but best for you. I know I'm just adding another voice to the choir but I don't think having a closet-ful of stuff there is a good reason to be bound to another person and another residence if you don't have to.
posted by sm1tten at 5:26 PM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is not your problem.
Getting legal advice is not the same as retaining someone, and it's not a threat to cordiality -- it's about being able to make an informed decision that isn't based on what's best for him, but best for you. I know I'm just adding another voice to the choir but I don't think having a closet-ful of stuff there is a good reason to be bound to another person and another residence if you don't have to.
posted by sm1tten at 5:26 PM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think in general, it is better to get on with the resolution as soon as possible, assuming there are no terrible outcomes for someone. For example, if you had kids and pushing now meant they’d half time be in a studio apartment filled with mold but a year of waiting would mean this wouldn’t happen… sure, wait.
But really, having to pay a bit more interest is not that sort of thing. He may not “be keen” on it but it isn’t a big deal. It is a bigger deal for you to have all your money tied up.
Getting a lawyer doesn’t mean there isn’t an amicable relationship. Business deals happen all the time where everyone is amicable but want to clearly document the agreement or make sure their particular interests are accommodated. You don’t have to see it as an adversarial move, it is just what you need to answer the questions you are asking us.
posted by AnnaRat at 5:27 PM on May 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
But really, having to pay a bit more interest is not that sort of thing. He may not “be keen” on it but it isn’t a big deal. It is a bigger deal for you to have all your money tied up.
Getting a lawyer doesn’t mean there isn’t an amicable relationship. Business deals happen all the time where everyone is amicable but want to clearly document the agreement or make sure their particular interests are accommodated. You don’t have to see it as an adversarial move, it is just what you need to answer the questions you are asking us.
posted by AnnaRat at 5:27 PM on May 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
Is the agreement about down payment and renovation in writing? If not, make that happen.
There are smart, experienced people with way more inside information who can't predict mortgage rates or house values reliably. Basing this on beliefs about where mortgage rates and values are going is unnecessary. Splitting your assets promptly is generally a great idea. But absolutely everything needs to be in writing with signatures, dates, and notarized. A casual but signed document, with coffee rings, saved my investment in my house when I split with my ex, so I am Team Get It In Writing.
While your money is invested in a house he lives in, it's not available to you, so you building equity while not paying the mortgage is fair; you have to buy a new place or pay rent. He is using your financial stability to make a nice profit on a house he couldn't have bought alone. I'm guessing you are in the habit of being generous. You have been generous, you are not required to fund his preferences unless it suits you to do so. You can find a pleasant lawyer or mediator to structure this, but I'd get a lawyer to at least look over the final agreement.
posted by theora55 at 5:48 PM on May 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
There are smart, experienced people with way more inside information who can't predict mortgage rates or house values reliably. Basing this on beliefs about where mortgage rates and values are going is unnecessary. Splitting your assets promptly is generally a great idea. But absolutely everything needs to be in writing with signatures, dates, and notarized. A casual but signed document, with coffee rings, saved my investment in my house when I split with my ex, so I am Team Get It In Writing.
While your money is invested in a house he lives in, it's not available to you, so you building equity while not paying the mortgage is fair; you have to buy a new place or pay rent. He is using your financial stability to make a nice profit on a house he couldn't have bought alone. I'm guessing you are in the habit of being generous. You have been generous, you are not required to fund his preferences unless it suits you to do so. You can find a pleasant lawyer or mediator to structure this, but I'd get a lawyer to at least look over the final agreement.
posted by theora55 at 5:48 PM on May 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
Currently, he intends to buy out my half of the house, which I am okay with, but with interest rates being so high at the moment, he's not keen on refinancing right now, so is asking if we can keep co-owning it while he lives there.
Until... when? Until they're as low as the crazy-historical lows they were at 18 months ago?
It's not likely they're going to be that low again within the near financial cycle. I don't think they've been that low in my adult life. Last time they were in the mid 3% range was 2012 and even that was higher than the 2020 rates.
I'd deal with this right now.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:05 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Until... when? Until they're as low as the crazy-historical lows they were at 18 months ago?
It's not likely they're going to be that low again within the near financial cycle. I don't think they've been that low in my adult life. Last time they were in the mid 3% range was 2012 and even that was higher than the 2020 rates.
I'd deal with this right now.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:05 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Please please please consult a lawyer and do not make any decisions, sign anything, or say anything other than in accordance with their advice.
posted by lookoutbelow at 6:08 PM on May 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by lookoutbelow at 6:08 PM on May 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
Work out exactly how much more you ha e paid for things. Make a document which shows how much of this overpayment on hour part he is equalizing by paying the full mortgage. Keep track. But, they don't call it your Real Estate, for nothing. You didn't buy a property to buy him. Lawyer up. Split up.
posted by Oyéah at 6:41 PM on May 22, 2022
posted by Oyéah at 6:41 PM on May 22, 2022
I just want to point out one thing to recalibrate what a "fair" baseline or 50-50 scenario would be: In an arms-length situation, he would owe you half of DP + reno costs PLUS INTEREST on that amount for the years he didn't pay. He's already mooching here.
AND you haven't even lived there for months but he's still charging you "a small amount"?! I can see a scenario in which that would be fair IF this "small amount" is truly proportionate to the value of the closet compared with the house overall...But really the civil thing would be not to charge you at all since [see previous paragraph] or to have some equivalent negotiated agreement that reimburses you appropriately.
Similarly, if you choose the "continue co-owning while he lives there" scenario, he should pay you some extra to cover the inconvenience and potential additional costs to you like lost tax benefits, missed opportunity on the $ towards your next home, legal fees because of his ask, etc. Compare it conceptually to renting your half to him--rent is more than mortgage because of additional costs built in to the monthly amount (but, sidenote, also check with your advisor whether receiving this $ would bring up any rental income or tenancy issues). By the way, having your name on it IS still a negative to you since it could leave you open to liabilities, affect your credit, etc. Selling the house would make the calculation simpler because you could just split the net proceeds halfway (after he reimburses for the DP + reno, of course).
No marriage so no legal complications from that, and as far as I'm aware "exes" isn't some special legal/financial status that would dictate what's right here. You are individuals who co-own a house. Start protecting your interests as such. You can do this! Good luck.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 7:58 PM on May 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
AND you haven't even lived there for months but he's still charging you "a small amount"?! I can see a scenario in which that would be fair IF this "small amount" is truly proportionate to the value of the closet compared with the house overall...But really the civil thing would be not to charge you at all since [see previous paragraph] or to have some equivalent negotiated agreement that reimburses you appropriately.
Similarly, if you choose the "continue co-owning while he lives there" scenario, he should pay you some extra to cover the inconvenience and potential additional costs to you like lost tax benefits, missed opportunity on the $ towards your next home, legal fees because of his ask, etc. Compare it conceptually to renting your half to him--rent is more than mortgage because of additional costs built in to the monthly amount (but, sidenote, also check with your advisor whether receiving this $ would bring up any rental income or tenancy issues). By the way, having your name on it IS still a negative to you since it could leave you open to liabilities, affect your credit, etc. Selling the house would make the calculation simpler because you could just split the net proceeds halfway (after he reimburses for the DP + reno, of course).
No marriage so no legal complications from that, and as far as I'm aware "exes" isn't some special legal/financial status that would dictate what's right here. You are individuals who co-own a house. Start protecting your interests as such. You can do this! Good luck.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 7:58 PM on May 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
When getting divorced, we hired a CPA agreed upon by our lawyers to perform a Moore-Marsden analysis & Epstein/Watts Credit analysis. These are specific to California and being married, which don't apply, but I share this to let you know that you can pay people thousands of dollars to write up a nice report and give you an objective percentage. I'm sure family law lawyers that handle divorces and property division would be knowledgeable about what analysis are helpful in your state.
My divorce is finalized, but the house is reserved. My ex can't afford to buy me out, and I don't want to buy him out. It's a tricky situation. He put down the downpayment - which is 100% his (as your downpayment is 100% yours...). But then I paid the mortgage for several years. I have a report that says what I paid, and so, when the time comes to sell - we'll need to hire a lawyer and sort it all out. I think most of allowing this arrangement revolves around the kids and having their parents close together.
So, I have a bunch of equity tied up in that house. I need to rent, because I can't afford to buy a new place without that money from the first house. Some days, I hate the situation so so much. Then I tell myself that I'm doing it for my kids and I hope that things will work out in the end. This situation is deeply unfair in so many complicated ways. I have some legal documents in place, and I hope, in the end, that the sacrifice will have been worth it.
You're not married. You don't have kids. Please, please, please listen to these folks and do what you need to do to protect and look after your interests. Just talk to a lawyer to understand what your entitled to and then make your decision based on that - not based on what seems "fair". There can be a vast difference between these two things...
posted by skunk pig at 9:55 PM on May 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
My divorce is finalized, but the house is reserved. My ex can't afford to buy me out, and I don't want to buy him out. It's a tricky situation. He put down the downpayment - which is 100% his (as your downpayment is 100% yours...). But then I paid the mortgage for several years. I have a report that says what I paid, and so, when the time comes to sell - we'll need to hire a lawyer and sort it all out. I think most of allowing this arrangement revolves around the kids and having their parents close together.
So, I have a bunch of equity tied up in that house. I need to rent, because I can't afford to buy a new place without that money from the first house. Some days, I hate the situation so so much. Then I tell myself that I'm doing it for my kids and I hope that things will work out in the end. This situation is deeply unfair in so many complicated ways. I have some legal documents in place, and I hope, in the end, that the sacrifice will have been worth it.
You're not married. You don't have kids. Please, please, please listen to these folks and do what you need to do to protect and look after your interests. Just talk to a lawyer to understand what your entitled to and then make your decision based on that - not based on what seems "fair". There can be a vast difference between these two things...
posted by skunk pig at 9:55 PM on May 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't think you've done anything weird or wrong here - you've been kind & generous towards somebody that you care(d) about, and that shows you in good light as a decent human being.
IMO it's reasonable to ask for a timeframe for resolution. Interest rates aren't going to fall any time soon - much more likely that they continue to rise - so if the best time for a re-mortgage was six months ago, the second-best time is now. You can ask the guy for a realistic short-term plan for repayment of what you're owed - you don't need a professional for that.
If he gets weird or avoidant - that's when you need legal help. Give him a chance to match your spirit of amicable generosity. Legal threats are a last resort in my world, not an immediate go-to.
posted by rd45 at 1:27 AM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
IMO it's reasonable to ask for a timeframe for resolution. Interest rates aren't going to fall any time soon - much more likely that they continue to rise - so if the best time for a re-mortgage was six months ago, the second-best time is now. You can ask the guy for a realistic short-term plan for repayment of what you're owed - you don't need a professional for that.
If he gets weird or avoidant - that's when you need legal help. Give him a chance to match your spirit of amicable generosity. Legal threats are a last resort in my world, not an immediate go-to.
posted by rd45 at 1:27 AM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Do not keep co-owning. Tying up your own capital in this house is likely to eventually prevent you from making your own financial choices. You are not likely to be able to buy another property, if you had financial difficulties you would have less money available (eg to pay for medical bills, to support a family member, to cushion a period of unemployment), and you really don't want any financial ties to him in the event that he has financial difficulties.
Get a family law lawyer. They will be able to tell you what you are actually entitled to and what you may realistically be able to negotiate in your jurisdiction given the evidence you have about downpayments and other contributions and legal agreements that you have already made. This will give you better information about how to proceed.
In terms of fairness and the mortgage, you are probably jointly and severally liable for the mortgage. That means that if he stopped paying (for whatever reason, for example if he lost his job and had no money) then you would have to pay it all. If you can get him to agree to pay all the mortgage from now until it is no longer in your name at all, I would go for that. If he's buying you out of the house then he's going to have pay the full payment regardless, and if that's going to be a problem for him then it would be better to establish that sooner as you would then need to really push for a sale. At the margins it might reduce the amount of money you get from the sale, but on the other hand you won't be contributing to the mortgage payments so it morally balances.
posted by plonkee at 3:52 AM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Get a family law lawyer. They will be able to tell you what you are actually entitled to and what you may realistically be able to negotiate in your jurisdiction given the evidence you have about downpayments and other contributions and legal agreements that you have already made. This will give you better information about how to proceed.
In terms of fairness and the mortgage, you are probably jointly and severally liable for the mortgage. That means that if he stopped paying (for whatever reason, for example if he lost his job and had no money) then you would have to pay it all. If you can get him to agree to pay all the mortgage from now until it is no longer in your name at all, I would go for that. If he's buying you out of the house then he's going to have pay the full payment regardless, and if that's going to be a problem for him then it would be better to establish that sooner as you would then need to really push for a sale. At the margins it might reduce the amount of money you get from the sale, but on the other hand you won't be contributing to the mortgage payments so it morally balances.
posted by plonkee at 3:52 AM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Just chiming in here to say: 100% do not agree to a scenario where you are depending on your ex to pay the mortgage/insurance/real estate tax in a timely way. If he fails at that, your capital is at risk.
Also, if he thinks rates will be better in the future, he can refinance it now with a relatively short-term loan (e.g., 5 year ARM) and then refinance again at his leisure when rates are better. There's no reason you need to stick around for the ride. Just doing all the refinancing and legal steps to get you off the deed/mortgage/etc will take a few months, so no reason to not start that soon.
posted by Mid at 7:19 AM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, if he thinks rates will be better in the future, he can refinance it now with a relatively short-term loan (e.g., 5 year ARM) and then refinance again at his leisure when rates are better. There's no reason you need to stick around for the ride. Just doing all the refinancing and legal steps to get you off the deed/mortgage/etc will take a few months, so no reason to not start that soon.
posted by Mid at 7:19 AM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Get out of this situation as quickly as possible by selling, either you both sell or he buys it from you outright. There's no benefit to you to continue in this, and plenty of disadvantages. You are subsidizing him right now. If you are fabulously wealthy and want to do that, then just give him the house. Otherwise, get this all done, asap. His finances are not your problem to manage.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:02 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 1:02 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
My ex-husband had, as best I could tell, a weird idea that he could maintain contact with me (a major emotional-support sponge for him) post-divorce if he could only find the right excuse to. He tried the cats (nope)... and our co-owned house, offering to take back a loan so I "wouldn't have to talk to the bank."
I don't especially trust your ex not to be trying to harness you similarly, given how long this has dragged out. Get it resolved ASAP, for your personal as well as financial safety and freedom. I too favor the "sell now" option.
Oh, and I told my ex a polite no to the mortgage take-back, laughed my fat ass off in private, and got a perfectly reasonable mortgage from my credit union, no trouble. If I can, so can your ex -- assuming his credit rating and income permit.
posted by humbug at 1:24 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don't especially trust your ex not to be trying to harness you similarly, given how long this has dragged out. Get it resolved ASAP, for your personal as well as financial safety and freedom. I too favor the "sell now" option.
Oh, and I told my ex a polite no to the mortgage take-back, laughed my fat ass off in private, and got a perfectly reasonable mortgage from my credit union, no trouble. If I can, so can your ex -- assuming his credit rating and income permit.
posted by humbug at 1:24 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Get out ASAP. Interest rates are not going down any time soon, and all signs point towards they are going to continue to rise. You need to end your entanglement with this man now. Make him buy you out, and make him pay you back, and if he balks, get a legally binding agreement signed. He is counting on you wanting things to be amicable to make you no ask for what's rightfully yours, and he's taking advantage. If he's trying to rip you off, things are already not amicable, you're just pretending they are while he robs you.
posted by decathecting at 4:09 PM on May 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 4:09 PM on May 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
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It makes 100% sense for him to pay 100% of the mortgage at this point. Early in the term of a mortgage, the payments are pretty much just interest. You aren't getting anything by continuing to own the house. He is. He should pay the full mortgage amount.
There are many more details to work out. Good luck getting through this. It's great that you are still on good terms with your co-owner. Hopefully it stays that way, but it might not, and when you're talking about home ownership it's good to have protection.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 3:17 PM on May 22, 2022 [8 favorites]