Physical touch for dummies?
May 15, 2022 8:40 PM Subscribe
How do you show someone you're interested in them romantically with physical touching? The more remedial the tips, the better.
For context: I am okay (though surely not great) at casually touching a partner when I am in a relationship. But beyond that I am reeeeally not a touchy-feely sort. People know this about me. So how do I communicate that I would like another person to touch me, or, horror of horrors, initiate touching them without feeling like a robot trying to imitate human interaction? (I am a bi woman and as far as I can tell very physically nonthreatening, in case this makes any difference to your answers.)
For context: I am okay (though surely not great) at casually touching a partner when I am in a relationship. But beyond that I am reeeeally not a touchy-feely sort. People know this about me. So how do I communicate that I would like another person to touch me, or, horror of horrors, initiate touching them without feeling like a robot trying to imitate human interaction? (I am a bi woman and as far as I can tell very physically nonthreatening, in case this makes any difference to your answers.)
I agree that probably it's best to ask, but if it feels impossibly awkward to, you could try some hopelessly dated 1990s flirting techniques:
You start by touching yourself--tip your head back and run your fingers through your hair luxuriously, for instance. (I got that bit of theater from hopelessly dated 1990s flirtbible, The Rules. I tried it once, and it totally worked.)
Next, you wait for something funny, preferably something they themselves said, and go "Hahahahaha" delightedly and touch them somewhere neutral like their arm or their back in a kind of "how lovely it is to be alive and sharing this joyful moment together" kind of way. Do not poke: that's annoying. Don't hammer at them. Don't leave your hand on them clammy and motionless like a dead slug. Aim for fleeting and gentle.
You can also attend a scary movie together and do cute "I'm scared" touches, like shriek and hide behind their shoulder during the scary parts.
If you're sitting next to one another, you can let your knees touch.
Only touch people if you're really really really sure it's not unwelcome, and pay very close attention to how they react. If it's going to work, then they should respond by touching back. If that doesn't happen, desist.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:14 PM on May 15, 2022 [14 favorites]
You start by touching yourself--tip your head back and run your fingers through your hair luxuriously, for instance. (I got that bit of theater from hopelessly dated 1990s flirtbible, The Rules. I tried it once, and it totally worked.)
Next, you wait for something funny, preferably something they themselves said, and go "Hahahahaha" delightedly and touch them somewhere neutral like their arm or their back in a kind of "how lovely it is to be alive and sharing this joyful moment together" kind of way. Do not poke: that's annoying. Don't hammer at them. Don't leave your hand on them clammy and motionless like a dead slug. Aim for fleeting and gentle.
You can also attend a scary movie together and do cute "I'm scared" touches, like shriek and hide behind their shoulder during the scary parts.
If you're sitting next to one another, you can let your knees touch.
Only touch people if you're really really really sure it's not unwelcome, and pay very close attention to how they react. If it's going to work, then they should respond by touching back. If that doesn't happen, desist.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:14 PM on May 15, 2022 [14 favorites]
I like to let hands touch across a restaurant table (or cafe, bar, etc). If I see them resting a hand on the table, I might find a good moment to rest mine just so, letting our fingertips have that fleeting, gentle contact Don Pepino described. I also might rest mine there first to invite the possibility.
I think this works well because it’s very easy for the other person to withdraw if not interested—by simply moving their hand to pick up a glass or whatever, without having to perform overt rejection—but most of the time, if the moment is right, they’ll sort of lean into it, and these fingertip touches will turn into handholding.
posted by Ryon at 11:22 PM on May 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think this works well because it’s very easy for the other person to withdraw if not interested—by simply moving their hand to pick up a glass or whatever, without having to perform overt rejection—but most of the time, if the moment is right, they’ll sort of lean into it, and these fingertip touches will turn into handholding.
posted by Ryon at 11:22 PM on May 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
“Safe” places to socially make “first touch contact” with a person who is giving warm flirtatious signals are the shoulders, upper back, and elbow area.
If you gently put a hand there for 1 second as you pass by the person, you can initiate contact, and ramp up from there.
Walking up beside them or sitting beside them and gently pressing your shoulder / outer arm on theirs can be cute too.
Consent tips:
If you touch someone and they move away, don’t do it again. They were saying “no”.
If you touch someone and they let it linger or seem to like it, that could be a good sign, or they could just have frozen in discomfort. So wait and see if they initiate touching you back within the hour. If they don’t start a touch with you, they didn’t like it, don’t touch them again, they were saying “no”.
Don’t start a first touch on any area of bare skin - always touch over clothing first. (Handshakes and finger touches are the exception of course).
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:52 AM on May 16, 2022 [7 favorites]
If you gently put a hand there for 1 second as you pass by the person, you can initiate contact, and ramp up from there.
Walking up beside them or sitting beside them and gently pressing your shoulder / outer arm on theirs can be cute too.
Consent tips:
If you touch someone and they move away, don’t do it again. They were saying “no”.
If you touch someone and they let it linger or seem to like it, that could be a good sign, or they could just have frozen in discomfort. So wait and see if they initiate touching you back within the hour. If they don’t start a touch with you, they didn’t like it, don’t touch them again, they were saying “no”.
Don’t start a first touch on any area of bare skin - always touch over clothing first. (Handshakes and finger touches are the exception of course).
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:52 AM on May 16, 2022 [7 favorites]
Touching someone’s hands, specifically, both very clearly indicates that you’re doing something intentionally intimate, but it’s not threatening — it’s very easy for the person you’re touching to move away from. It works well to make your interest clear without intruding on the other person’s body. (Like, it’s the polar opposite of casually stretching and somehow ending up with your arm around the back of the other person’s shoulders, which is a teenage attempt at ending up in a position where you’re cuddling while maintaining plausible deniability about whether you meant to do that.)
posted by LizardBreath at 5:02 AM on May 16, 2022
posted by LizardBreath at 5:02 AM on May 16, 2022
I have actually said with words before on a date: "I like you, this is going well, I don't want to hold your hand."
I'm not a hold hands across the table kind of person and I never will be. It sounds like you aren't either but would actually like to be. I still think talking/asking is a great solution.
Sure it'll be awkward but if the other person likes you back it'll only be awkward for like 2 seconds. If the other person doesn't like you back then hey guess what you found out early, freeing yourself up to go hold the hand of someone who likes you better.
posted by phunniemee at 5:21 AM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm not a hold hands across the table kind of person and I never will be. It sounds like you aren't either but would actually like to be. I still think talking/asking is a great solution.
Sure it'll be awkward but if the other person likes you back it'll only be awkward for like 2 seconds. If the other person doesn't like you back then hey guess what you found out early, freeing yourself up to go hold the hand of someone who likes you better.
posted by phunniemee at 5:21 AM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm not a hold hands across the table kind of person and I never will be.
Come to think of it, neither am I, now, nor will I be ever again. I find it fascinating that I entirely forgot the years-long ever-mutating deadly pandemic when answering this question last night and apparently found it comforting to time travel back to the filthy filthy pre-consent 90s.
In reality, if I were popped out of my bubble of specious covid safety and cast out into the realm of the single again and it were not magically in the previous millennium but now? Today? I would have to conduct my The Rules wordless touch flirting entirely with myself. I wouldn't be caught dead in a scary movie or any other kind of movie. It would have to happen outside, from several feet away from my target. I'd be shoving my hair around and trying to hide coquettishly behind my own shoulder and touching my knee with my other knee and it would get me ejected from the biergarten and possibly institutionalized. Anyway, DeFiNiTeLy do not reach for my hands: I just washed them and will have to go and do it again if you touch them.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:42 AM on May 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Come to think of it, neither am I, now, nor will I be ever again. I find it fascinating that I entirely forgot the years-long ever-mutating deadly pandemic when answering this question last night and apparently found it comforting to time travel back to the filthy filthy pre-consent 90s.
In reality, if I were popped out of my bubble of specious covid safety and cast out into the realm of the single again and it were not magically in the previous millennium but now? Today? I would have to conduct my The Rules wordless touch flirting entirely with myself. I wouldn't be caught dead in a scary movie or any other kind of movie. It would have to happen outside, from several feet away from my target. I'd be shoving my hair around and trying to hide coquettishly behind my own shoulder and touching my knee with my other knee and it would get me ejected from the biergarten and possibly institutionalized. Anyway, DeFiNiTeLy do not reach for my hands: I just washed them and will have to go and do it again if you touch them.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:42 AM on May 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Do it in a public place the first time. Insure to there is an easy, face-saving way for them to decline.
What I've done in the past is a light hand on the arm or between the shoulders while walking on the sidewalk. If they don't pull away, try holding hands. If you've been holding hands for a while, an arm around the shoulder or a hug is probably okay. Calling it a strategy sounds like ugly PUA terminology, but it's also an accurate description of awkward, kind people trying to interact.
For a first kiss or anything more, the right answer is to say, "would it be okay if I kissed you," despite what we've been taught by romantic comedies. Probably the second kiss too. It's awkward as hell, but if they don't want to hear the question, they sure as hell don't want to *not* hear the question.
I've had the rom-com version done to me a few times. I've always been very happy about it. I've also always been bigger and stronger than potential partners and never remotely worried about sexual violence, so you may be on the opposite side of that calculation. If you're also trying to guess their sexual preferences at the same time, don't listen to my advice.
Learning to be explicit about discussing such things is something I am still working on. Best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 5:59 AM on May 16, 2022
What I've done in the past is a light hand on the arm or between the shoulders while walking on the sidewalk. If they don't pull away, try holding hands. If you've been holding hands for a while, an arm around the shoulder or a hug is probably okay. Calling it a strategy sounds like ugly PUA terminology, but it's also an accurate description of awkward, kind people trying to interact.
For a first kiss or anything more, the right answer is to say, "would it be okay if I kissed you," despite what we've been taught by romantic comedies. Probably the second kiss too. It's awkward as hell, but if they don't want to hear the question, they sure as hell don't want to *not* hear the question.
I've had the rom-com version done to me a few times. I've always been very happy about it. I've also always been bigger and stronger than potential partners and never remotely worried about sexual violence, so you may be on the opposite side of that calculation. If you're also trying to guess their sexual preferences at the same time, don't listen to my advice.
Learning to be explicit about discussing such things is something I am still working on. Best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 5:59 AM on May 16, 2022
In my dating days I was a big proponent of the “knee touch under the table” move. This works well if you’re sitting up at a bar, as your knees will be closer natuarally. I’d just lightly, gently touch my knee against theirs and hold it. If they didn’t move away the door was open to more casual touching (usually they would initiate the next touch, I’m a cishet woman so ymmv.) What I liked about this was the plausible deniability - knees touch accidentally all the time! But if neither person pulls back it’s impossible not to notice that you’re touching.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:01 AM on May 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:01 AM on May 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess I should clarify to say I do think the other person would be into it; they touch me; I am just very bad at initiating. Thanks all!
posted by Argyle Road at 8:21 AM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Argyle Road at 8:21 AM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
Last fall, I (40ish F) asked my date (40ish F) if I could hold her hand, and it was very positively received. She told her sister later that a cute girl asked to hold hands with her, awww. Asking can be sweet and leans into the awkwardness a little, and COVID has also made it a more common option (we pretty immediately segued into a COVID safety conversation). The actual touching is much less awkward once they have said that they're into it, right now, with you.
posted by momus_window at 9:03 AM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 9:03 AM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
An example of an early-stage way to establish physical sparks: Go to a park with someone it is lovely to talk with. Find a bench. Let them sit first - then point at the spot right next to them with a question face on - “here ok?” Watch their face - you will see if they warmly welcome you sitting right next to them - if they don’t look warm and eager about it, give them a little space and don’t push. If they *are* warm and eager, let it show on your face how happy you are to sit side-by-side! If your shoulders or knees brush, smile as widely as you feel delighted (in general, let them see how delighted you are by their company). Make eye contact and tell them, “I’m having a really good time with you. It feels really good to sit together like this.”
For later stages, simple, straightforward language delivered with confidence (that you will be ok regardless of what happens, and welcome their no) and a smile (you are enjoying things already, even without physical escalation) is just about the sexiest, swooniest thing in the world. They can either be statements or questions, but give the other person the ability to de-escalate or outright refuse graciously.
“I know this is a little cheesy, but I love holding hands. How would you feel about that - would you like to?”
“I would really love to kiss you right now.”
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 8:17 PM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
For later stages, simple, straightforward language delivered with confidence (that you will be ok regardless of what happens, and welcome their no) and a smile (you are enjoying things already, even without physical escalation) is just about the sexiest, swooniest thing in the world. They can either be statements or questions, but give the other person the ability to de-escalate or outright refuse graciously.
“I know this is a little cheesy, but I love holding hands. How would you feel about that - would you like to?”
“I would really love to kiss you right now.”
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 8:17 PM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I did it, thanks, all :D
posted by Argyle Road at 1:59 PM on June 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Argyle Road at 1:59 PM on June 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
« Older French hip-hop artists/songs: allons-y | Looking for a cheaper way to ship my bike to... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Eye contact is also a good way of at least gauging interest. If you are holding this person's gaze and they are holding yours that can bee a good indication that touch is welcome, but it's still probably good to ask.
posted by brookeb at 8:56 PM on May 15, 2022 [2 favorites]