Can I learn to have multiple orgasms?
May 12, 2022 11:31 AM Subscribe
I spent almost all my twenties on anti depressants which destroyed my libido; that combined with growing up in a controlling conservative Muslim household which bodyshamed women and made sex taboo, I spent most of my time thinking I was asexual and repressing my sexual desires. I also dressed in super baggy clothes and didn't look after myself.
This makes me extremely sad now as I now know that I am most definitely not asexual, and it took me to 30 to realise I am someone who loves sex and am a very sexual person. I now love dressing in tighter clothing and showing off my body.
I did first start masturbating when I was 17, from reading sex scenes in books. I also used to follow this blog Girl with a One Track Mind which really got me going. However, I felt so ashamed that I stopped pretty soon and my sexuality went underground from 18-25, which was linked to my utter despair and depression during this period.
I could (when I was 17/18) and still can, reliably have a single big orgasm every time I masturbate. Nowadays I can almost only orgasm to watching porn, again I only ever orgasm once. The only way I know how to masturbate is through crossing my legs tightly and rubbing myself against whatever I'm sitting on (fully clothed).
I've tried using my hands but it didn't work, a vibrator once did work a bit but not as effective as my tried and trusted method.
After having the single orgasm, that area feels too sore and sensitive to do it again and I just don't feely horny enough. My uterus itself feels really sore, if that doesn't sound too weird? I usually have to wait a day before I can do it again.
My first boyfriend was during my late twenties, both of us had very low libidos (I was on meds) and didn't have that much sex after the initial first few months. We were more like best friends than lovers. I hate to speak badly of him but he wasn't generously endowed and in general I just wasn't that physically attracted to him.
Sadly, this made me conclude at the time that I was a woman who just didn't like sex as at the time I had nothing to compare it to.
However, then I met my current boyfriend (yes the one I've posted about before..) ....now as soon as I had sex with him, I knew I definitely was not asexual. It was like I was totally addicted to him from the very first time and that feeling is still there after 3 years, though somewhat weakened by time. I've never felt this way before, can anyone relate? It's insanely powerful and has been a major factor in keeping me with him, despite..issues.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy having sex with him but I barely ever orgasm. I still love having sex with him and we have a very healthy sex life, though it has died down from the crazed first year. He's still like cocaine to me, not just the sex but his scent and his voice and everything. I'm madly physically infatuated with him.
He once thoughtlessly mentioned (extremely early on) that both his exes would have multiple orgasms, it genuinely wasn't meant as a comparison. I'm realising a lot of his comments are just incredibly dense and thoughtless (though the brutal honesty actually hurts more than a deliberate attempt to make me jealous.) This post isn't about him anyway.
It makes me sad that I struggle to orgasm during sex and have never been able to have multiple orgasms. I feel like I'm not getting as much from it as other women do.
Is there a way I can learn to have multiple orgasms or even just reliable orgasms during sex, are there any books or other resources that would help me achieve this (with any partner?)
I did first start masturbating when I was 17, from reading sex scenes in books. I also used to follow this blog Girl with a One Track Mind which really got me going. However, I felt so ashamed that I stopped pretty soon and my sexuality went underground from 18-25, which was linked to my utter despair and depression during this period.
I could (when I was 17/18) and still can, reliably have a single big orgasm every time I masturbate. Nowadays I can almost only orgasm to watching porn, again I only ever orgasm once. The only way I know how to masturbate is through crossing my legs tightly and rubbing myself against whatever I'm sitting on (fully clothed).
I've tried using my hands but it didn't work, a vibrator once did work a bit but not as effective as my tried and trusted method.
After having the single orgasm, that area feels too sore and sensitive to do it again and I just don't feely horny enough. My uterus itself feels really sore, if that doesn't sound too weird? I usually have to wait a day before I can do it again.
My first boyfriend was during my late twenties, both of us had very low libidos (I was on meds) and didn't have that much sex after the initial first few months. We were more like best friends than lovers. I hate to speak badly of him but he wasn't generously endowed and in general I just wasn't that physically attracted to him.
Sadly, this made me conclude at the time that I was a woman who just didn't like sex as at the time I had nothing to compare it to.
However, then I met my current boyfriend (yes the one I've posted about before..) ....now as soon as I had sex with him, I knew I definitely was not asexual. It was like I was totally addicted to him from the very first time and that feeling is still there after 3 years, though somewhat weakened by time. I've never felt this way before, can anyone relate? It's insanely powerful and has been a major factor in keeping me with him, despite..issues.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy having sex with him but I barely ever orgasm. I still love having sex with him and we have a very healthy sex life, though it has died down from the crazed first year. He's still like cocaine to me, not just the sex but his scent and his voice and everything. I'm madly physically infatuated with him.
He once thoughtlessly mentioned (extremely early on) that both his exes would have multiple orgasms, it genuinely wasn't meant as a comparison. I'm realising a lot of his comments are just incredibly dense and thoughtless (though the brutal honesty actually hurts more than a deliberate attempt to make me jealous.) This post isn't about him anyway.
It makes me sad that I struggle to orgasm during sex and have never been able to have multiple orgasms. I feel like I'm not getting as much from it as other women do.
Is there a way I can learn to have multiple orgasms or even just reliable orgasms during sex, are there any books or other resources that would help me achieve this (with any partner?)
I am NOT a psychologist or a sexologist, but it may help if you see one.
It's said that sex is as much mental as it is physical. When you find a compatible partner, the sex could be... transcending.
However, IMHO, multiple orgasms is like simultaneous orgasms. It's a goal to aim for, but it's NOT the do-all-and-end-all ultimate gold-plated achievement badge to be gained. And if your former BF somehow shamed you for not being able to MO, then it's good for you to put him in the past.
I recommend Dr. Jen Gunter's "The Vagina Bible" so you have a thorough understanding of yourself. I won't go into the "mechanics", but there are multiple erogenous zones on one's body, multiple ways to achieve orgasm, and you may need to experiment with all of them, and perhaps, be a bit more outspoken about what works for you during sex. For many of that, you will need an understanding and adventurous partner.
Good luck and Inshallah.
posted by kschang at 11:53 AM on May 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
It's said that sex is as much mental as it is physical. When you find a compatible partner, the sex could be... transcending.
However, IMHO, multiple orgasms is like simultaneous orgasms. It's a goal to aim for, but it's NOT the do-all-and-end-all ultimate gold-plated achievement badge to be gained. And if your former BF somehow shamed you for not being able to MO, then it's good for you to put him in the past.
I recommend Dr. Jen Gunter's "The Vagina Bible" so you have a thorough understanding of yourself. I won't go into the "mechanics", but there are multiple erogenous zones on one's body, multiple ways to achieve orgasm, and you may need to experiment with all of them, and perhaps, be a bit more outspoken about what works for you during sex. For many of that, you will need an understanding and adventurous partner.
Good luck and Inshallah.
posted by kschang at 11:53 AM on May 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
When you say that you want to have orgasms "during sex", are you talking about penis-in-vagina only? If so - then that is your problem right there. What I mean is - it's actually kind of a crapshoot as to whether you have an orgasm if that is all you do in sex. In the entirety of my sexual history - 30 rather active years of it - I think I came that way only twice. So if you are determined that THAT is the only way for you to have an orgasm, then...the odds are harder than you think.
Fortunately - that ISN'T all you can do in sex. Your partner can touch you, he can give you oral sex, you can use a vibrator - and that all still counts. Hell, you can even do some of that stuff all at the same time (penis-in-vagina, but one of you has a hand down there where it counts). Or you could sort of "take turns - he gets you off however you want, and then you get him off however he wants. This also gives you a bit of a break if you want to try another round.
As for the "multiple orgasms" thing - what you say about feeling "sore" immediately after an orgasm is REALLY common, to the point that I would say it's "normal". And it will take a while for you to be ready to go again, if you want to try again. The people who say they have had "multiple" orgasms are probably either having sex for like two straight hours; but that "having sex for two hours" isn't two solid hours of penis-in-vagina pumping. It's more like doing stuff with hands, maybe shifting to oral, then mutual oral, then maybe one of you comes and then you do some penis-in-vagina, then you stop and go back to oral for a little bit but then switch up to something else, then you scale back just to kissing for a while, then...
You know what I mean? Think of it like a ballet routine - a lengthy ballet routine has a few points where the ballerina spins or leaps really high, but that's in between a whole lot of simple steps to get from one place on the stage to the other, or just does things with her arms or something like that. It's not like a ballet dance involves a ballerina pirouetting for two solid hours. Maybe she does like three pirouettes spaced out throughout the whole dance. But the whole dance as a whole is still really awesome. And similarly - sex isn't just the penis-and-vagina stuff for two solid hours, it's all the stuff you're doing. All of which is pretty awesome. Sting actually said something kind of fun about this once - somehow he got a reputation for being able to have sex for "eight hours straight", and during one interview, he said that "well, yeah, but the thing is that I count the dinner out at a restaurant first as part of the sex too."
As for what your partner said happened with other women - I know you say he wasn't trying to be competitive, but...it's clearly affected you. If he still compares you to exes, maybe have a chat with him about how that's making you feel, and ask him not to do that. (Although - I do notice you say that he said this EARLY on, so I have a hunch that maybe he was trying to show off to you a little and the truth may be a little...different. Or, heck, maybe his exes were faking it for all he knows?)
But the big thing I'd like you to take away is - your body and your life is unique to you, and trying to compare you to anyone else on the planet will never work. Instead, look at sex as a way of finding out what works for YOU specifically, and then teaching HIM that. Or working WITH him to find out what works for you, which is even more fun. WHO CARES whether you have multiple orgasms, or whether you can only have an orgasm with oral sex or whatever it is that works. That's who you are, that's what works for you, that's the thing to be doing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:58 AM on May 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
Fortunately - that ISN'T all you can do in sex. Your partner can touch you, he can give you oral sex, you can use a vibrator - and that all still counts. Hell, you can even do some of that stuff all at the same time (penis-in-vagina, but one of you has a hand down there where it counts). Or you could sort of "take turns - he gets you off however you want, and then you get him off however he wants. This also gives you a bit of a break if you want to try another round.
As for the "multiple orgasms" thing - what you say about feeling "sore" immediately after an orgasm is REALLY common, to the point that I would say it's "normal". And it will take a while for you to be ready to go again, if you want to try again. The people who say they have had "multiple" orgasms are probably either having sex for like two straight hours; but that "having sex for two hours" isn't two solid hours of penis-in-vagina pumping. It's more like doing stuff with hands, maybe shifting to oral, then mutual oral, then maybe one of you comes and then you do some penis-in-vagina, then you stop and go back to oral for a little bit but then switch up to something else, then you scale back just to kissing for a while, then...
You know what I mean? Think of it like a ballet routine - a lengthy ballet routine has a few points where the ballerina spins or leaps really high, but that's in between a whole lot of simple steps to get from one place on the stage to the other, or just does things with her arms or something like that. It's not like a ballet dance involves a ballerina pirouetting for two solid hours. Maybe she does like three pirouettes spaced out throughout the whole dance. But the whole dance as a whole is still really awesome. And similarly - sex isn't just the penis-and-vagina stuff for two solid hours, it's all the stuff you're doing. All of which is pretty awesome. Sting actually said something kind of fun about this once - somehow he got a reputation for being able to have sex for "eight hours straight", and during one interview, he said that "well, yeah, but the thing is that I count the dinner out at a restaurant first as part of the sex too."
As for what your partner said happened with other women - I know you say he wasn't trying to be competitive, but...it's clearly affected you. If he still compares you to exes, maybe have a chat with him about how that's making you feel, and ask him not to do that. (Although - I do notice you say that he said this EARLY on, so I have a hunch that maybe he was trying to show off to you a little and the truth may be a little...different. Or, heck, maybe his exes were faking it for all he knows?)
But the big thing I'd like you to take away is - your body and your life is unique to you, and trying to compare you to anyone else on the planet will never work. Instead, look at sex as a way of finding out what works for YOU specifically, and then teaching HIM that. Or working WITH him to find out what works for you, which is even more fun. WHO CARES whether you have multiple orgasms, or whether you can only have an orgasm with oral sex or whatever it is that works. That's who you are, that's what works for you, that's the thing to be doing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:58 AM on May 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
If you're not having orgasms with your boyfriend part of the problem is his lack of interest in doing things that stimulate you to orgasm. Can you be frank with him and ask him to try other things? And do you have any sex toys? If you don't, get a few and try out different aids to orgasm.
posted by mareli at 12:14 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by mareli at 12:14 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Definitely go easier on yourself, and definitely don't let a male ex's opinions shape your impression of your own possibilities. He's not in your body, what does he know?
So, there is an online program that I've heard good things about called OMGYes that focuses on all the different ways women can achieve orgasm/pleasure. It's not a subscription, just a one-time fee and I've been thinking of trying it myself because it's intriguing. You don't need a partner, just curiosity.
There's so much pressure on women as to how we are to do sex, and also lots of guides assume that everyone works the same. We don't! Things that really rock other people's worlds don't always work for me, so I've had to get creative with myself and with partners. But that isn't really surprising, people have different preferences and turn ons.
And maybe you'll be having multiples, maybe you won't. So long as you feel good, again, who cares? It's sex! It's supposed to be fun and pleasurable, not a test you can fail.
posted by emjaybee at 12:20 PM on May 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
So, there is an online program that I've heard good things about called OMGYes that focuses on all the different ways women can achieve orgasm/pleasure. It's not a subscription, just a one-time fee and I've been thinking of trying it myself because it's intriguing. You don't need a partner, just curiosity.
There's so much pressure on women as to how we are to do sex, and also lots of guides assume that everyone works the same. We don't! Things that really rock other people's worlds don't always work for me, so I've had to get creative with myself and with partners. But that isn't really surprising, people have different preferences and turn ons.
And maybe you'll be having multiples, maybe you won't. So long as you feel good, again, who cares? It's sex! It's supposed to be fun and pleasurable, not a test you can fail.
posted by emjaybee at 12:20 PM on May 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Looking at your past posts and questions, I just want to wrap you up in a big hug and remind you that you are just fine and worthy of love, pleasure, and happiness just as you are.
The way you orgasm is fine just the way it is. There is no platonic ideal of orgasm. And the way you orgasm will change day to day and over time. Sometimes you may get off quickly and sometimes it may take a while. Sometimes oral will work, sometimes you may need a toy
Any partner who doesn't make you feel that you are fine just the way you are and who isn't willing to meet you where you're at is not worthy of your time.
posted by brookeb at 12:27 PM on May 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
The way you orgasm is fine just the way it is. There is no platonic ideal of orgasm. And the way you orgasm will change day to day and over time. Sometimes you may get off quickly and sometimes it may take a while. Sometimes oral will work, sometimes you may need a toy
Any partner who doesn't make you feel that you are fine just the way you are and who isn't willing to meet you where you're at is not worthy of your time.
posted by brookeb at 12:27 PM on May 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
I was incredibly multi-orgasmic in my early 20s. 10 times a session was not uncommon! My boyfriend at the time was so pleased with himself. Until I finally actually had a REAL orgasm with him and had to admit I'd been faking before... lol. No, he had no idea. And yes, he was experienced, intelligent and good in bed. Not saying that's definitely the case for your boyfriend but I wouldn't necessarily take his recollection of previous partners experiences to heart. Lots of women fake for various reasons and lots of men never realize.
I've never actually had a multiple orgasm, but the times I've gotten the closest is when I've switched to G-spot stimulation after the first O. It still feels pleasurable even if my clit is too sensitive for direct stimulation, and after a few minutes it can get me in the mood again. The only reason I've never pursued the experience of multi-orgasm further is that I'm basically lazy and I really am satisfied with one.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:27 PM on May 12, 2022 [8 favorites]
I've never actually had a multiple orgasm, but the times I've gotten the closest is when I've switched to G-spot stimulation after the first O. It still feels pleasurable even if my clit is too sensitive for direct stimulation, and after a few minutes it can get me in the mood again. The only reason I've never pursued the experience of multi-orgasm further is that I'm basically lazy and I really am satisfied with one.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:27 PM on May 12, 2022 [8 favorites]
Man, I hear you about being intoxicated by a partner's smell and body. I have often felt there is something chemical about attraction - like, I've had sex with people who were totally physically incompatible with me, where the problem was a smell/taste/feel thing. Ick. But I bet there will be other people who do it for you, who don't make you feel inadequate or competitive with prior partners.
Have more sex with different people, is my advice. Learn more about what you like.
Multiples have always felt out of reach for me, but really satisfying partner sex makes this irrelevant. Solo orgasms are frequently more intense, but there is something super hot about coming on a partner's face, and intercourse is a lot more fun afterward than if I haven't come first. Oral might be non-negotiable for you, try making that a central part of your partnered sex life.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:59 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Have more sex with different people, is my advice. Learn more about what you like.
Multiples have always felt out of reach for me, but really satisfying partner sex makes this irrelevant. Solo orgasms are frequently more intense, but there is something super hot about coming on a partner's face, and intercourse is a lot more fun afterward than if I haven't come first. Oral might be non-negotiable for you, try making that a central part of your partnered sex life.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:59 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Forgive me if some of this sounds obvious but a lot of it can have to do with
- your age - I was super horny in my 20s but only started having better orgasms in my 30s
- your stress levels - I am super stressed at the moment and I am basically anorgasmic at the moment, sad face, but I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it.
- where you are in your cycle - my libido is much higher just before and during my period
- your psychological safety. I know you're super into your boyfriend, but it doesn't sound like you feel that secure around him, esp if he's 'carelessly' mentioning his multiply-orgasmic exes (!).
Please don't compare yourself to other women, everyone's sexual response is unique and perfect and different, and nothing about you needs to change!
I recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
I also recommend learning what presses your buttons without orgasm necessarily being the end-goal. What makes your body feel good and safe and alive and happy? Dancing, a long bath, a warm blanket, a hug, laughing, exercise, lying in the sun? I strongly believe that having a better relationship with your body overall can only have positive outcomes for your sexual happiness.
posted by unicorn chaser at 1:09 PM on May 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
- your age - I was super horny in my 20s but only started having better orgasms in my 30s
- your stress levels - I am super stressed at the moment and I am basically anorgasmic at the moment, sad face, but I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it.
- where you are in your cycle - my libido is much higher just before and during my period
- your psychological safety. I know you're super into your boyfriend, but it doesn't sound like you feel that secure around him, esp if he's 'carelessly' mentioning his multiply-orgasmic exes (!).
Please don't compare yourself to other women, everyone's sexual response is unique and perfect and different, and nothing about you needs to change!
I recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
I also recommend learning what presses your buttons without orgasm necessarily being the end-goal. What makes your body feel good and safe and alive and happy? Dancing, a long bath, a warm blanket, a hug, laughing, exercise, lying in the sun? I strongly believe that having a better relationship with your body overall can only have positive outcomes for your sexual happiness.
posted by unicorn chaser at 1:09 PM on May 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
Is there any are of your life that your boyfriend doesn't try to make you feel bad about? I wonder what kinds of thrilling orgasms you could have with a partner who respected you, who treated you well, who wasn't constantly comparing you to other women he had idealized in his cruel fantasies? Hmm! I know you say this question has nothing to do with him, but it does. You deserve a happier life than the one you have with him, however many or however few orgasms that life of true dignity entails.
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:13 PM on May 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:13 PM on May 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: @CharityGarfein I hear you. In this instance with the multiple orgasm thing, he genuinely didn't mean it like that. I just know.
We had a huge argument last week where I said the only way I'd be able to get over his praise of his ex is if he could say something, anything about me that was better than her.
I'm still waiting unfortunately.
Also during that argument, he said with genuine self pity, after I listed all the amazing things about her, " don't you understand how hard it was for me to break up with someone like that?". He was close to tears and stormed out of the house.
I don't think he's idealising her. He's been adamant for 3 years.
posted by Sunflower88 at 3:24 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
We had a huge argument last week where I said the only way I'd be able to get over his praise of his ex is if he could say something, anything about me that was better than her.
I'm still waiting unfortunately.
Also during that argument, he said with genuine self pity, after I listed all the amazing things about her, " don't you understand how hard it was for me to break up with someone like that?". He was close to tears and stormed out of the house.
I don't think he's idealising her. He's been adamant for 3 years.
posted by Sunflower88 at 3:24 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Why on earth are you still with this guy? I’ve genuinely don’t understand. I remember your last questions and as far as I can tell, all he does is make you feel terrible about yourself, full stop, and I promise you he knows precisely what he’s doing. I’ve been there when I was a little younger than you and I remember thinking I’d never find anyone I loved so much and who was so good in bed, so I had to cling to him like a limpet. Guess what? That was complete horseshit, and I wish I’d dumped his sorry ass years before I finally did. I hope you finally get to a place where you can realize how much better your life will be without this guy.
posted by holborne at 3:50 PM on May 12, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by holborne at 3:50 PM on May 12, 2022 [24 favorites]
Having a single orgasm is really normal and would be considered a dream come true for many people
If you can come from just rubbing through clothes, you probably have an extremely sensitive clit, and he is being too vigorous so he’s numbing you out and switching the sensation from pleasure to overwhelm. He needs to do less. Like waaaaay less. Less pressure, less speed, less friction, and probably more compression from your thighs.
And he sounds like he’s terrible in bed so he’ll never master that because he just wants to do sex on you, not make love with you. He doesn’t actually like you so why would he care to learn to make you feel good?
You might not be able to come from direct stimulation if you’re that sensitive. You can desensitize yourself with vibrators but go gently bc it’s hard to reverse that!
But also omg your boyfriend is a mean asshole who is destroying your self esteem in dozens of ways. What will it take for you to leave him? It’s going to take you YEARS to recover your s confidence from this guy’s constant casual torture. Get out of this horrible soul-destroying pain-giving relationship.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:39 PM on May 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you can come from just rubbing through clothes, you probably have an extremely sensitive clit, and he is being too vigorous so he’s numbing you out and switching the sensation from pleasure to overwhelm. He needs to do less. Like waaaaay less. Less pressure, less speed, less friction, and probably more compression from your thighs.
And he sounds like he’s terrible in bed so he’ll never master that because he just wants to do sex on you, not make love with you. He doesn’t actually like you so why would he care to learn to make you feel good?
You might not be able to come from direct stimulation if you’re that sensitive. You can desensitize yourself with vibrators but go gently bc it’s hard to reverse that!
But also omg your boyfriend is a mean asshole who is destroying your self esteem in dozens of ways. What will it take for you to leave him? It’s going to take you YEARS to recover your s confidence from this guy’s constant casual torture. Get out of this horrible soul-destroying pain-giving relationship.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:39 PM on May 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was with a guy who could not stop idealizing his ex for 6 years. Ultimately, I realized it had nothing to do with his ex; rather, he was failing to work through personal issues that were tied to the period of time he was with the ex.
posted by airmail at 8:39 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by airmail at 8:39 PM on May 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I feel bad. He doesn't talk about her anymore and hasn't for 2 years so as not to upset me.
You guys hear all the bad things because I bring my insecurities here. He's not the monster I've made him out to be.
I've come forward in leaps and bounds since knowing him, it's incredible. I need someone who challenges me to be better. I was stuck in a stagnant relationship before then where I wasn't pushed, I sunk further into depression and apathy.
This guy really encourages and pushes me. Not just to be like his ex but for my own sake, he is invested in me even if it might not seem like it. I'm the one with the pathologically unhealthy obsession with his ex to be honest.
Basically, there are so many other reasons I'm with him which I haven't stated here but I agree there are concerning things about the relationship.
posted by Sunflower88 at 1:12 AM on May 13, 2022
You guys hear all the bad things because I bring my insecurities here. He's not the monster I've made him out to be.
I've come forward in leaps and bounds since knowing him, it's incredible. I need someone who challenges me to be better. I was stuck in a stagnant relationship before then where I wasn't pushed, I sunk further into depression and apathy.
This guy really encourages and pushes me. Not just to be like his ex but for my own sake, he is invested in me even if it might not seem like it. I'm the one with the pathologically unhealthy obsession with his ex to be honest.
Basically, there are so many other reasons I'm with him which I haven't stated here but I agree there are concerning things about the relationship.
posted by Sunflower88 at 1:12 AM on May 13, 2022
Even if he was the nicest guy ever, a person who talks about his ex and “can’t tell me one thing that makes me better than her” should not be your boyfriend. You’re being emotionally abused and gaslit into believing you deserve it. It’s clear in all your questions.
A normal relationship isn’t “a great guy who only emotionally abuses me in a few areas”.
I have NEVER dated anyone who did even a single one of the mean things he does to you. Nobody has ever compared me to their ex or told me they’re frustrated with me because of how my body responds to sex or made me feel bad that my family is toxic or told me he has ongoing concerns about my flaws and weaknesses. Those things are just NOT NORMAL.
You think it’s normal to be criticized constantly because your family of origin treated you badly. But it is abusive. It’s not normal.
You can walk away from that dynamic and start fresh with someone who likes you, approves of you, makes you feel strong and solid instead of desperate and insecure. It’s possible, I promise.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:35 AM on May 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
A normal relationship isn’t “a great guy who only emotionally abuses me in a few areas”.
I have NEVER dated anyone who did even a single one of the mean things he does to you. Nobody has ever compared me to their ex or told me they’re frustrated with me because of how my body responds to sex or made me feel bad that my family is toxic or told me he has ongoing concerns about my flaws and weaknesses. Those things are just NOT NORMAL.
You think it’s normal to be criticized constantly because your family of origin treated you badly. But it is abusive. It’s not normal.
You can walk away from that dynamic and start fresh with someone who likes you, approves of you, makes you feel strong and solid instead of desperate and insecure. It’s possible, I promise.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:35 AM on May 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: I can't explain it, there's something about him I feel I absolutely need.
He challenges me to be a better person. I spent years, over a decade in a sunken pit of stagnant despair, I had no money, no hope, no self esteem and no career. I was around low functioning, mentally unwell people who influenced me badly. No one pushed me, no one saw my potential and challenged me to fulfil myself; if I was with someone who totally accepted me the way I am I would still be stuck in that awful awful place.
With him, hope has been born again, I've managed to start passing my accounting exams, I've got a better job with a higher salary; I feel full of promise. My self esteem is improving, I'm starting to put back the cracked and broken pieces together again. I feel like I am finally beginning my journey to fulfilling my ambitions and dreams and he is supporting me in that.
posted by Sunflower88 at 6:16 AM on May 13, 2022
He challenges me to be a better person. I spent years, over a decade in a sunken pit of stagnant despair, I had no money, no hope, no self esteem and no career. I was around low functioning, mentally unwell people who influenced me badly. No one pushed me, no one saw my potential and challenged me to fulfil myself; if I was with someone who totally accepted me the way I am I would still be stuck in that awful awful place.
With him, hope has been born again, I've managed to start passing my accounting exams, I've got a better job with a higher salary; I feel full of promise. My self esteem is improving, I'm starting to put back the cracked and broken pieces together again. I feel like I am finally beginning my journey to fulfilling my ambitions and dreams and he is supporting me in that.
posted by Sunflower88 at 6:16 AM on May 13, 2022
Best answer: Your replies are defending this dude, but none of them mention whether he's providing you with oral sex, which I suspect would greatly improve your experience in bed.
posted by metasarah at 8:12 AM on May 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 8:12 AM on May 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
It sounds like your bf is doing something like tiger parenting - it kind of works sometimes but the resulting relationship is fraught and uneasy. Sure, the kid might end up as a Harvard PhD concert pianist but every single phone call they have with their parents will be an ordeal. They might have nice things to say about their parents, and even love them fiercely, but there's so much baggage. And they'll carry it for the rest of their lives.
But while we can't choose our parents, we can choose our partners. There are people out there who are accepting and gently encouraging, who can support your growth without emotionally abusing you in a very bad attempt to cope with their own unresolved personal issues. Do you really want a relationship that looks like this for the rest of your life?
Sorry, I know we've all been yelling at you here. I want to acknowledge that this is incredibly tough to deal with. When you live through bad parenting, it's hard not to cling to the first marginally-better person you find as an adult (How do I know this? Because I did the exact same shit). But I hope you can find the courage to take that leap. We wouldn't all be yelling at you if we didn't believe in you.
posted by airmail at 9:48 AM on May 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
But while we can't choose our parents, we can choose our partners. There are people out there who are accepting and gently encouraging, who can support your growth without emotionally abusing you in a very bad attempt to cope with their own unresolved personal issues. Do you really want a relationship that looks like this for the rest of your life?
Sorry, I know we've all been yelling at you here. I want to acknowledge that this is incredibly tough to deal with. When you live through bad parenting, it's hard not to cling to the first marginally-better person you find as an adult (How do I know this? Because I did the exact same shit). But I hope you can find the courage to take that leap. We wouldn't all be yelling at you if we didn't believe in you.
posted by airmail at 9:48 AM on May 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
I am not here to defend NOR disparage your BF. I have no doubt he's a wonderful change of pace AFTER your upbringing.
I am just going to point out that perhaps, due to your upbringing, you're idolizing him because you haven't been treated right. Your scale has not been... calibrated. What you call a 10, we consider a 5 at best.
There is nothing wrong defending what you believe in, but consider this: are you defending him because of suck cost (I already spent all this effort), or fear of loss and codependency (if I don't have him, I have nothing), or something else?
posted by kschang at 10:29 AM on May 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
I am just going to point out that perhaps, due to your upbringing, you're idolizing him because you haven't been treated right. Your scale has not been... calibrated. What you call a 10, we consider a 5 at best.
There is nothing wrong defending what you believe in, but consider this: are you defending him because of suck cost (I already spent all this effort), or fear of loss and codependency (if I don't have him, I have nothing), or something else?
posted by kschang at 10:29 AM on May 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
"We had a huge argument last week where I said the only way I'd be able to get over his praise of his ex is if he could say something, anything about me that was better than her.
I'm still waiting unfortunately.
Also during that argument, he said with genuine self pity, after I listed all the amazing things about her, " don't you understand how hard it was for me to break up with someone like that?". He was close to tears and stormed out of the house.
I don't think he's idealising her. He's been adamant for 3 years."
I'm sorry you're being used like this. Isn't it clear to you that he's just with you while he's trying to get back with his ex? Eventually either that will happen or he'll find someone new, but for the moment you're keeping his bed warm.
None of this is the way someone caring behaves.
Your choice is between moving on with your life now or doing it later after you've been dumped for someone he actually loves.
posted by tillsbury at 12:41 PM on May 13, 2022
I'm still waiting unfortunately.
Also during that argument, he said with genuine self pity, after I listed all the amazing things about her, " don't you understand how hard it was for me to break up with someone like that?". He was close to tears and stormed out of the house.
I don't think he's idealising her. He's been adamant for 3 years."
I'm sorry you're being used like this. Isn't it clear to you that he's just with you while he's trying to get back with his ex? Eventually either that will happen or he'll find someone new, but for the moment you're keeping his bed warm.
None of this is the way someone caring behaves.
Your choice is between moving on with your life now or doing it later after you've been dumped for someone he actually loves.
posted by tillsbury at 12:41 PM on May 13, 2022
Response by poster: @kschang Thanks for your insight, its given me food for thought. I think I would feel totally lost without him, it terrifies me the idea of not having him guiding me. I'd be lost to the abyss of my twenties, I'm so so scared of ever going back into that despair again.
And I know there is a real risk I will if I'm alone for too long. The negative self talk and rumination will destroy me, it took away 10 years of my life which should have been beautiful.
There is codependence on his side too, he's very attached to me.
@tillsbury This is his ex from 15 years ago who is now married.
posted by Sunflower88 at 1:46 PM on May 13, 2022
And I know there is a real risk I will if I'm alone for too long. The negative self talk and rumination will destroy me, it took away 10 years of my life which should have been beautiful.
There is codependence on his side too, he's very attached to me.
@tillsbury This is his ex from 15 years ago who is now married.
posted by Sunflower88 at 1:46 PM on May 13, 2022
It might be helpful for you to read about avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachment styles.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:22 AM on May 14, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:22 AM on May 14, 2022
You HAVE to dump this guy.
After he's conditioned you to believe you are broken and he is the only one who can fix you, you've now gotten into your head that you are broken sexually because you don't have multiple orgasms?
Also, his former partners were likely faking. He does not sound like someone who is generous in bed.
Not everyone is multi-orgasmic. You don't have to be. If you want to explore, the recommendations above are good resources.
This guy CRIES thinking about an ex from 15 years ago who is married? It was so hard to break up with her that 15 years later he's this hung up on her? He can't say one thing about you that was better than her? What the actual fuck.
Your self esteem will improve when you are free of him. He is not the only person for you. He has harmed you and continues to harm you, mentally. You feel safe in this dynamic because of your history of abuse from your family.
No amount of amazing sex or intense attraction is worth what you feel every day being in a relationship with this guy.
You are worth more than you think and there are men out there who will find you attractive BECAUSE you had the gumption to escape from an abusive family home, graduate from college, find employment, and have the capacity for kindness and love. There are men who will adore you for your courage and your tenacity. There are men who will not treat you like a project. There are men who will not make you feel inadequate constantly.
You are not broken. Your boyfriend has put multiple orgasms in your head as more evidence that you are "broken". He's getting something out of treating you like a project, and it's not a healthy dynamic. Walk away before he becomes as big of a source of trauma as your family of origin.
I mean this gently but I also want to say this is something that will make or break your future. Choose yourself. Stop believing him when he tells you you are broken.
posted by nayantara at 7:05 AM on May 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
After he's conditioned you to believe you are broken and he is the only one who can fix you, you've now gotten into your head that you are broken sexually because you don't have multiple orgasms?
Also, his former partners were likely faking. He does not sound like someone who is generous in bed.
Not everyone is multi-orgasmic. You don't have to be. If you want to explore, the recommendations above are good resources.
This guy CRIES thinking about an ex from 15 years ago who is married? It was so hard to break up with her that 15 years later he's this hung up on her? He can't say one thing about you that was better than her? What the actual fuck.
Your self esteem will improve when you are free of him. He is not the only person for you. He has harmed you and continues to harm you, mentally. You feel safe in this dynamic because of your history of abuse from your family.
No amount of amazing sex or intense attraction is worth what you feel every day being in a relationship with this guy.
You are worth more than you think and there are men out there who will find you attractive BECAUSE you had the gumption to escape from an abusive family home, graduate from college, find employment, and have the capacity for kindness and love. There are men who will adore you for your courage and your tenacity. There are men who will not treat you like a project. There are men who will not make you feel inadequate constantly.
You are not broken. Your boyfriend has put multiple orgasms in your head as more evidence that you are "broken". He's getting something out of treating you like a project, and it's not a healthy dynamic. Walk away before he becomes as big of a source of trauma as your family of origin.
I mean this gently but I also want to say this is something that will make or break your future. Choose yourself. Stop believing him when he tells you you are broken.
posted by nayantara at 7:05 AM on May 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
(2) For most of my adult life I could only come once or twice before stimulation stopped feeling good. Now, I can keep going for a long time, but the orgasms are not generally as intense. Neither is really better than the other. (Basically, due to several years of mediocre sex, I learned to come really quickly, and kinda forgot how to hold back for a really good buildup. I don't recommend this method!)
(3) By multiple orgasms, some people mean "can come many times in one session," and others mean "can come a bunch of times in a row, with each orgasm building on the next." I have done the latter and don't enjoy it.
(4) Some people learn to come in additional ways by doing what works best until they're 90% of the way there, and then switching to another method. If you're unhappy with how things are working now, it's something to try. (But it should be a method that is LIKELY to work, not penis-in-vagina.)
posted by metasarah at 11:51 AM on May 12, 2022 [8 favorites]