Friendship grief

May 7, 2022 10:23 AM

how do I stop feeling excluded when I see my ex friends hanging out together?

I shared the details about my friend break-ups here, but the gist is that I was not a particularly good friend to them and they decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I’ve been struggling to heal and I’ve noticed that it feels especially painful when I see all of them hanging out together. Though I think I’ve gotten closer to accepting the ends of these friendships, it just really hurts to see them all hanging out without me. It makes me wish I could turn back time. I also find myself imagining what it would be like if we were still friends, especially since I’ve become a better friend, and I feel like I could be good friends to them now - though I know that they are not interested in that at all.

I have made other friends I love, though I haven’t made a group like that one. Something about seeing how close their little friend group is just fucking sucks. It brings up a mixture of sadness, regret, grief, and envy. I’m graduating college soon (1 week!) and will not need to see them after that so I know this will get easier. However for this next week, my class is organizing a bunch of a senior week events, so I’ll likely be seeing them together at those events often, so I’m looking for some concrete advice on how to not feel so sad when I see them together.

I have a therapist and plan to talk to them about this too. Thank you in advance!

posted by cruel summer to Human Relations (7 answers total)

It won't help for IRL events, but you can "unfollow" on Facebook without unfriending the person if you still are friends on there. They won't see any change, but you won't see their photo's etc. You can also click one of their links and choose "take a break from X". I imagine other social media has similar options. Not having the "scab" disturbed on a daily basis will help a little in time I think.
posted by Iteki at 10:48 AM on May 7, 2022 [4 favorites]

It's always sounded facile and glib when I've heard it, but you're grieving and pining for the past, and it sucks. Block their social media so you aren't confronted on a random but consistent basis, and choose different spots to hang out. Additional upside: you might cement your new, lovely friends as a person who wants to do new and different stuff, which is an important trait in a person's 20s I feel.

I'm almost certainly over twice your age and I have gotten myself stuck in your headspace more times and for longer than you might be able to imagine, not even knowing what "getting over it" could possibly mean. It might seem animalistic, and perhaps it is, but picking parts of the universe to be where those people aren't is how you get a new life without them. Also, people only post the good stuff on social media.
posted by rhizome at 11:59 AM on May 7, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: A teenage girl once told me the tricks she used to get through a cliquey period in highschool, and I thought her tips were excellent:

Wear sunglasses when you expect to see them, and ignore them
Always dress nicely so you don’t add other sources of self-consciousness to your load
Carry a nice water bottle or interesting drink (boba?) to sip at events where you feel awkward, so you have something to do
If you have long hair, you can carry a claw hair clip on your jacket or elastic on your wrist, and put your hair up busily (but oh so casually) so your elbow blocks your view of them as you pass near them
Always avoid eye contact, casually turn your back when you can.
Find someone who looks shy and talk to them instead, with your back to the group you’re avoiding.
Make plans with other people so you have something to look forward to.
It’s only a week! You got this!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:26 PM on May 7, 2022 [52 favorites]

Best answer: You might feel sad (or regretful or envious) when you see them and that's okay. Observe your feelings and move forward. Regret is a teacher and your sadness will fade. Focus on what is positive in your life right now: Your current friends, your graduation, your future plans.

If it suits your mood you might view your ex-friends with loving-kindness. Stand tall with love and acceptance in your heart -- for yourself and for them. Allow whatever is to be. You have nothing to hide and nothing to turn away from. You have owned your foibles. You're aware of your missteps and you have grown. You don't have an opportunity for a do-over but you will have plenty of opportunities with others, and the rest of your life to be a friend to yourself. Do your best to move forward with positivity and optimism. Congratulations on your graduation!
posted by loveandhappiness at 5:19 PM on May 7, 2022

Wow! That advice from the teenager hits home and is very well articulated. My heart goes out to her having experienced that to the extent she became an expert and now to you CS. Just one more week. You can do this.
posted by saradarlin at 2:40 AM on May 9, 2022 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Probably stop contextualizing them as "ex friends" or break ups. They're just people, and now they're people you aren't very familiar with, which is neither negative or positive. I don't even refer to people I've formerly dated as exes. It can make the situation seem unnecessarily complicated.

Realize your situation is possibly not unique to yourself and other people may have experienced it (even with the same people- or will.)


It's even possible some of them will return as friends, or some will not. Many will change and some won't. But you have a future, so you should probably get into it.
posted by firstdaffodils at 10:51 AM on May 13, 2022

If you don't make an effort to really meet someone, digitally but particularly corporeal, it doesn't seem possible to have a true opinion. Anything else is just suggestive or implicative.
posted by firstdaffodils at 5:23 PM on May 13, 2022