How do I stop worrying about my family?
April 22, 2022 12:57 PM   Subscribe

I worry a lot about my family. Seeking advice from others who have been in the same boat but have learned to manage this anxiety.

I'm in therapy. The below is part of an ongoing conversation I am having with my therapist.

I love my family a lot but they are kind of messed up; lots of dysfunction, trauma, mental illness. I have been in a 'fix it' type role since I was about 7 years old. We've had a few other 'fix-it' people in the family but they have all died. We are Asian, from a collectivist society. Since moving to a different country from my family 20 years ago I have managed to put some emotional distance in as well, but it has been hard.

Like many older siblings, a lot of the burden of managing family difficulties has fallen to me over the years, while my younger siblings (all of whom are married with families of their own, unlike me) avoid dealing with these to any great extent. They just have a lot less time to devote to managing our family mechanics remotely. Many of you guys will have seen Encanto. Luisa's song 'Surface Pressure' was so recognisable to me that the first time I heard it, I cried.

I am sure everyone feels this way about their family to some degree, but mine seems to lurch from crisis to crisis, and with every crisis, I have been responsible to some degree for supporting my family out of it. Our current crisis is a dementia diagnosis in one of our elder family members. I can see my mom buckling under the pressure of managing, and I don't know what to do.

Right now, for financial and logistical reasons, it is not possible for me to move home to support my family. They live too far away for me to visit frequently - 2 times a year is all I can manage.

I can do what I can from abroad, but it is really hard, and made harder by the fact that my mom seems unable to communicate the situation clearly in a matter-of-fact way, she either underplays the situation drastically or calls me in floods of tears stating that she can't take it anymore. She isn't great with the internet, or particularly good at finding solutions. Sometimes I can do that remotely but not all the time. I am her only support. My family's community/ neighbourhood support network is thin on the ground; everyone is sympathetic but no one able to actually help. We have some financial resource, but not a lot.

I feel great when I can fix things for my family. But right now though, short of moving home (which isn't possible), I can't fix things. Even if I did move home there's no guarantee I'd fix things, but I know my mom would benefit massively from the moral support; it'd make so much difference, and I feel really bad not to be able to do this.

I am having trouble identifying what I can and cannot do, and more largely I find it hard to plan ahead for my own life because always at the back of my mind is the knowledge that in the event of another crisis, I need to make sure I am available to jet back to help out; I feel like this has stopped me from developing new ties in my life or making any commitments that will impact my availability. I totally realise this sounds codependent; I recognise this in myself.

I am POSITIVE I'm not the only one in this scenario. I'd really appreciate hearing from others who have handled this. How have you maintained your sanity without letting your loved ones down? How do you just feel ok about things like this?
posted by unicorn chaser to Human Relations (7 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
You are not the only one. I am the oldest of two and I’ve taken on a similar role in my family. My mom had undiagnosed BPD and I was her main support person my entire life. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer and passed very quickly. My dad had a major stroke several years ago and is permanently disabled. He lives with my stepmom but he relies on me for most things that require leaving the house because my stepmom is agoraphobic and doesn’t drive. My sister lives nearby but has two young kids and therefore less capacity than I supposedly do.

I hit my breaking point a few months ago when I realized that I had agreed to something relatively minor for my dad but I was spending every day leading up to it dreading it. My therapist asked me why I had agreed to it and I said, “because no one else can do it.” “But that doesn’t mean that you have to do it,” she said. That hit me like a ton of bricks. All this time I was thinking I needed to fix the things because they needed to get fixed and I was the only one who could fix them. It’s a pretty self-centered way of thinking, if you consider it further. Just because other people won’t step in doesn’t mean they’re not capable. And if they don’t step in, that’s not your failure - that’s them failing the other members of your family.

You’re right that this ultimately is a codependency thing and it’s SO HARD to break out of. It’s taken me years of therapy to start to let go.
How have you maintained your sanity without letting your loved ones down?
If and when you are able to take a step back, you will let them down. It’s not a matter of if, but when. They have spent your entire life knowing that you will come running and relying on you to fix things for them. They will be let down if you stop. So the reframe here is: “how can I handle the fact that I will let them down? How do I make sure that I don’t feel like a failure when that happens?”
posted by anotheraccount at 1:34 PM on April 22, 2022 [12 favorites]


The fact of the matter is that people will muddle along if you're not there. They may struggle, problems may not get solved, but you're not personally responsible for your family. One mantra I use for myself pretty often is, "they're adults, and get to make their own decisions/mistakes/etc." It doesn't necessarily maintain sanity, but it helps.

One of the thing I've mentioned as helpful here on metafilter for aging parents is an eldercare socialworker. That role may not be available where your parents are, but if it is something where you are, you could consult with one. They've been so helpful in showing me what is and is not possible. Mainly, as mom got to the point where she couldn't leave the bed without help (even to get to a commode right beside it) the eldercare social worker helped me find services and individuals who provide one on one care (toileting, showers, meals). It's expensive, but can be a huge help. For your mom it may be that she could be helped by having someone in to help even a few days a week so she can go do other things.

So there is a "senior center" or "senior resource center" near you, you might ask about a senior care social worker. Or if that's a role near your mom, that could be even more helpful. Ours charges by the hour, but it took very few hours to learn what some of the possibilities for help were.

And remember, you've only got this one life. It can be an honor to help care for family. But also work with your therapist on your personal goals, you deserve good things, too.
posted by ldthomps at 2:55 PM on April 22, 2022 [1 favorite]


everyone is sympathetic but no one able to actually help

This is true for everyone, including older siblings. I am also one.

Expecting myself to do things that there simply aren't the resources to do (or keep trying and trying) is cruel to myself. Believing that I'm capable of exceeding human capacity (like anyone, I need rest, support, resources) is arrogant. The level of duty I feel to provide real, tangible help to my parents makes me imagine I'm required to be cruel and arrogant. Those are harsh words, but it takes words that are equally powerful to how strongly I feel about being a "bad daughter" before I can see how messed up my ideas are of what is required of a "good daughter." All present tense, because sometimes I see my limitations clearly, and sometimes I feel compelled to help more and go beyond. I don't have it all figured out.

Have you found that sometimes they don't find help all that helpful? When that happens for me, I hold onto those learning moments and look back on them to remind myself that doing more doesn't mean I'm really helping more.

In reality: I can be sympathetic, but I can't actually help. I'm as limited as everyone else.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 3:10 PM on April 22, 2022 [4 favorites]


I'm out visiting elderly parents as we speak. It's hard. I'm not sure I would say that I've maintained my sanity, frankly. But I can offer solidarity. I will say that I declared this Sunday to be a day of rest, i.e. not visiting them. Showing up deep in my exhaustion isn't helping much.

I find it hard to plan ahead for my own life because always at the back of my mind is the knowledge that in the event of another crisis, I need to make sure I am available to jet back to help out; I feel like this has stopped me from developing new ties in my life or making any commitments that will impact my availability.

Oh hai, literally just quit my only non-work activity because of this very thing. You are definitely not alone.
posted by eirias at 4:19 PM on April 22, 2022


> How have you maintained your sanity without letting your loved ones down? How do you just feel ok about things like this?

Realistically, you’re going to feel anxiety until there’s a satisfactory - not perfect, but at least satisfactory - setup for your mom and the elder.

Would your siblings be able to do *anything* helpful at all? Like at all. If the tasks are divided, it’s obviously going to be less overwhelming. It works better if people do tasks they can handle. Maybe one person is better at managing finances and paying bills (optimally they’re trustworthy!). A lot of that can be automated. Someone else might not mind ordering groceries online, maybe? Or at least contributing financially so that more help can be obtained. A techy person could help with cameras and GPS (or memail me, we have a setup).

The meaty/most draining tasks are going to be cleaning/cooking, medical appointments, and minding the elder. Money can help with the cleaning and cooking and some personal support/minding, or maybe there are social services nearby that can help with those.

> My family's community/ neighbourhood support network is thin on the ground; everyone is sympathetic but no one able to actually help

No one can call your mom to see how she is or help with a ride for a bit? It is a big ask, but are you sure people can’t help? Maybe they don’t know what to do.

Medical appointments, that’s a tough one. Lots can be done by email and maybe you can ask to be part of appointments by phone?

Once things are set up - as in supports are secured, there’s a system for cleaning and cooking, your mom and you know the doctors’ names, and you’re hooked into social supports, it is much more doable. Right now things surely feel chaotic but they won’t forever. There will still be blips but it won’t be as overwhelming, and you can probably let go of some of the blips.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:55 PM on April 22, 2022


This is a good resource to help organize your thinking around what needs doing (p. 4-6 especially). Maybe your mom would benefit from it?
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:57 PM on April 22, 2022


When my parents needed extra help, my sister suddenly had a lot to do. She asked me to help. I hadn't known about the situation, and I was able to help.

If you've been the fix-it person for decades, it may not be that easy. But it is a huge burden for you, and it won't change until you ask. And maybe nudge more after asking. So long as your family knows that you'll take care of it eventually, they'll wait for you to do it. It's OK to say "I can't do everything and I need you all to step up."

What exactly does your mother need? Actual help with the relative? Help figuring out what to do? Someone to listen? Just listening to someone can be hard work, especially if they somehow resist any solutions. If she's pressuring you to come home and live with her and handle everything, you do not have to do that.
posted by zompist at 11:47 PM on April 22, 2022 [3 favorites]


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