Sadness over ghosting; how to deal?
April 3, 2022 6:24 AM Subscribe
To keep this as brief as possible: I had a nine-month textationship (made contact through Tinder, never met IRL) and seemed to be getting the slow fade over the past few weeks. I always had the feeling that I was more into him than he was into me, but he did repeatedly ask me out which never eventuated for a range of stupid reasons (constant corona issues, putting my back out etc). I finally texted to ask, look, shall we meet? Got left on read.
He messaged me a brief comment about something else a week later, to which I didn’t respond. Then a few days after that I asked again, shall we meet or stop this? It was a friendly message, saying that I wouldn’t be cross if he didn’t want to but I’d really appreciate a clear reply.
That was a week ago and still no response. On the face of it I understand what this means, but still some part of me keeps wondering, what if he’s feeling unsure or confused, what if he isn’t aware of how interested I am? What if he’s going to pop up again in a week? We’ve sometimes gone ten days or so with no contact whatsoever.
Realistically I know that we really don’t know each other, but after so long texting and sharing emotional stuff (no sexting) I’m feeling attached and it’s hard to let go. As a friend of mine put it, you’d feel something even after talking to a wall for nine months. I’ve been listening to ghosting podcasts and keeping busy (and dating) but still the uncertainty lingers. What should I do?
He messaged me a brief comment about something else a week later, to which I didn’t respond. Then a few days after that I asked again, shall we meet or stop this? It was a friendly message, saying that I wouldn’t be cross if he didn’t want to but I’d really appreciate a clear reply.
That was a week ago and still no response. On the face of it I understand what this means, but still some part of me keeps wondering, what if he’s feeling unsure or confused, what if he isn’t aware of how interested I am? What if he’s going to pop up again in a week? We’ve sometimes gone ten days or so with no contact whatsoever.
Realistically I know that we really don’t know each other, but after so long texting and sharing emotional stuff (no sexting) I’m feeling attached and it’s hard to let go. As a friend of mine put it, you’d feel something even after talking to a wall for nine months. I’ve been listening to ghosting podcasts and keeping busy (and dating) but still the uncertainty lingers. What should I do?
Response by poster: I agree and will not threadsit, but he first asked me to meet IRL after a few days of texting. I wasn’t free on that occasion.
posted by rubbish bin night at 6:52 AM on April 3, 2022
posted by rubbish bin night at 6:52 AM on April 3, 2022
Time is a healer. Sometimes the only way out is through. What brings you comfort? Do that, a lot, over the next few days. It will get easier as time goes on.
He asked you out after a week, it didn’t work out, and you kept talking to him for nine months without meeting? Gently, in the future, if you don’t meet up within a couple weeks max (even if you try to hang out and something comes up), gently bow out of that situation. It shouldn’t take that long to reschedule. Building intimacy without knowing each other in person is an excellent way to get hurt.
posted by Amy93 at 6:56 AM on April 3, 2022 [16 favorites]
He asked you out after a week, it didn’t work out, and you kept talking to him for nine months without meeting? Gently, in the future, if you don’t meet up within a couple weeks max (even if you try to hang out and something comes up), gently bow out of that situation. It shouldn’t take that long to reschedule. Building intimacy without knowing each other in person is an excellent way to get hurt.
posted by Amy93 at 6:56 AM on April 3, 2022 [16 favorites]
You asked him twice; twice he did not say yes. You could go for a third time and make it fairytale, or just take his two not-yesses as the answer they most likely are.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:01 AM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 7:01 AM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
To deal with the sort of theoretical what-ifs in situations like that, I try to remind myself that ultimately I want to date people who are more communicative and not wishy-washy about their attraction/interest in me at that stage. I am fine sometimes being the one who takes the lead a lot, but I still need the other person to be responsive and clearly enthusiastic.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:20 AM on April 3, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:20 AM on April 3, 2022 [15 favorites]
Texting relationships can be super fun and convenient, especially if you are both quick and witty and shine in that format. But when they go on for longer than a couple of weeks, they are best left in the realm of texting forevermore -- because after that point, you have a relationship that is based 20% on actual interaction with that person and 80% on whatever fantasies and projections your own brain is creating to fill in the missing pieces. The same is true for the other person.
I know (boy do I know) how rough it feels to be on the abandoned end of a ghosting. Like the people above recommend, be nice to your self and move through this, keeping in mind that 80% of the person you are missing is the person you yourself built around a pile of alphanumerics.
Source: omg so many of these relationships
posted by apparently at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2022 [19 favorites]
I know (boy do I know) how rough it feels to be on the abandoned end of a ghosting. Like the people above recommend, be nice to your self and move through this, keeping in mind that 80% of the person you are missing is the person you yourself built around a pile of alphanumerics.
Source: omg so many of these relationships
posted by apparently at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2022 [19 favorites]
some part of me keeps wondering, what if he’s feeling unsure or confused, what if he isn’t aware of how interested I am?
There's no uncertainty here, sorry! It's clear that you're interested, and he's not interested now. (That's not to say he might not pop up later and start texting you again...up to you whether you want to leave things open for anything in the future. But no answer is an answer.)
posted by pinochiette at 7:50 AM on April 3, 2022
There's no uncertainty here, sorry! It's clear that you're interested, and he's not interested now. (That's not to say he might not pop up later and start texting you again...up to you whether you want to leave things open for anything in the future. But no answer is an answer.)
posted by pinochiette at 7:50 AM on April 3, 2022
Response by poster: You are right of course pinochiette. He once promised me that he wouldn’t leave me on read and that he would tell me or block me if we were done (I have anxiety issues). And yet here we are.
posted by rubbish bin night at 8:03 AM on April 3, 2022
posted by rubbish bin night at 8:03 AM on April 3, 2022
Hugs if you want them. I'm sorry this happened. Being rejected is hard, and being rejected with no explanation is hard as well.
>what if he’s feeling unsure or confused, what if he isn’t aware of how interested I am? What if he’s going to pop up again in a week?
It's totally normal to have these thoughts. I think by you asking "can we meet, it's ok if you don't want to, I'd like a clear reply" - that was you asking to change the relationship. It sounds as if he was happy to continue a text relationship, even if he asked to meet a few times and you rejected him (even if you had good reasons with COVID and your back injury) - and you may not think of it as rejecting him, but it basically was. Not saying this to make you feel bad, but maybe to give insight on his perspective (and I could be 100% wrong). He accepted that, and now that you want to meet, he doesn't want to, and he realizes he can't give you what you want, so, no response. And people ghost because it's waaaay easier than saying, "No, I don't want to. I'd rather keep texting." My guess is that he would be worried about how you'd react - he knows that you want to meet, he doesn't, so then he'd be carrying on a text relationship with someone who's actually not really into that. So rather than say "No, I don't want to meet, I want to keep texting" or "No, I don't want to meet, I want to end this, wish you well" and maybe getting into a long drawn out conversation and potentially having to deal with your upset feelings, he just ghosts. Also saying "I'd like a clear reply" - that's kind of putting a lot of pressure on the other person. So he gave you a clear reply as no response IS a response. It takes a lot of maturity to say something like, "I'm sorry I don't want to meet. I've enjoyed this relationship for the past 9 months. I think it's best that we end things. I wish you the best." People aren't really good at this. Online dating suuuuucks. (Also, not sure what to make of you not responding to his last text and then asking to meet... It reads as mixed messages to me but it's hard to judge on one action.)
If he wanted to meet, he would have said yes. If he's feeling unsure or confused, you don't want to meet with someone who is unsure/confused about meeting you. He could pop up again - weirder things have happened, but I would not count on it at all.
So what to do now? You're already keeping busy which is great. I would stop listening to the ghosting podcasts because that just makes you ruminate on your experience. Lots of things to distract yourself - dive headfirst in to a hobby or new one, try to see your friends and family more, do some hard exercise, do a ritual where you imagine he's gotten on a boat and is sailing around the world and he can't contact anyone. Something like that - make up your own as it suits you. Also get intentional about dating - what do you want? Serious LTR? Marriage and babies someday? How long do you want to text before meeting in person, also factoring in COVID considerations? I would say that if they don't want to meet within your timeframe, they're not interested and/or they're not right for you. Then you can ghost them, or if you're totally against ghosting, say something like, "It's been nice chatting; I don't think we're a match. Take care." Keeping in mind that guys can get abusive when women reject them so ghosting is a safety measure as well.
And your friend is right (finally, a wise friend giving good advice! So many times I see OPs describing shitty advice from their friends to which I say, "don't talk to your friends about this anymore!"). I mean, yes, a wall is different from a person, but the point is, you invested emotionally in this person for 9 months even if you never met. It's totally normal that it's hard to let go. All you can do is lick your wounds, learn from this and move on. Time will help.
posted by foxjacket at 8:30 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
>what if he’s feeling unsure or confused, what if he isn’t aware of how interested I am? What if he’s going to pop up again in a week?
It's totally normal to have these thoughts. I think by you asking "can we meet, it's ok if you don't want to, I'd like a clear reply" - that was you asking to change the relationship. It sounds as if he was happy to continue a text relationship, even if he asked to meet a few times and you rejected him (even if you had good reasons with COVID and your back injury) - and you may not think of it as rejecting him, but it basically was. Not saying this to make you feel bad, but maybe to give insight on his perspective (and I could be 100% wrong). He accepted that, and now that you want to meet, he doesn't want to, and he realizes he can't give you what you want, so, no response. And people ghost because it's waaaay easier than saying, "No, I don't want to. I'd rather keep texting." My guess is that he would be worried about how you'd react - he knows that you want to meet, he doesn't, so then he'd be carrying on a text relationship with someone who's actually not really into that. So rather than say "No, I don't want to meet, I want to keep texting" or "No, I don't want to meet, I want to end this, wish you well" and maybe getting into a long drawn out conversation and potentially having to deal with your upset feelings, he just ghosts. Also saying "I'd like a clear reply" - that's kind of putting a lot of pressure on the other person. So he gave you a clear reply as no response IS a response. It takes a lot of maturity to say something like, "I'm sorry I don't want to meet. I've enjoyed this relationship for the past 9 months. I think it's best that we end things. I wish you the best." People aren't really good at this. Online dating suuuuucks. (Also, not sure what to make of you not responding to his last text and then asking to meet... It reads as mixed messages to me but it's hard to judge on one action.)
If he wanted to meet, he would have said yes. If he's feeling unsure or confused, you don't want to meet with someone who is unsure/confused about meeting you. He could pop up again - weirder things have happened, but I would not count on it at all.
So what to do now? You're already keeping busy which is great. I would stop listening to the ghosting podcasts because that just makes you ruminate on your experience. Lots of things to distract yourself - dive headfirst in to a hobby or new one, try to see your friends and family more, do some hard exercise, do a ritual where you imagine he's gotten on a boat and is sailing around the world and he can't contact anyone. Something like that - make up your own as it suits you. Also get intentional about dating - what do you want? Serious LTR? Marriage and babies someday? How long do you want to text before meeting in person, also factoring in COVID considerations? I would say that if they don't want to meet within your timeframe, they're not interested and/or they're not right for you. Then you can ghost them, or if you're totally against ghosting, say something like, "It's been nice chatting; I don't think we're a match. Take care." Keeping in mind that guys can get abusive when women reject them so ghosting is a safety measure as well.
And your friend is right (finally, a wise friend giving good advice! So many times I see OPs describing shitty advice from their friends to which I say, "don't talk to your friends about this anymore!"). I mean, yes, a wall is different from a person, but the point is, you invested emotionally in this person for 9 months even if you never met. It's totally normal that it's hard to let go. All you can do is lick your wounds, learn from this and move on. Time will help.
posted by foxjacket at 8:30 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I've been in situations somewhat like this before, what happened was they started dating someone else but either liked to keep their options open or enjoyed the texting relationship and wanted to keep that going.
Treat this like any other breakup, because emotionally it is even though it may be hard for you to consider it a "real" relationship.
posted by metasarah at 9:28 AM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Treat this like any other breakup, because emotionally it is even though it may be hard for you to consider it a "real" relationship.
posted by metasarah at 9:28 AM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Delete the convo, block him, and do something so delightful you’ll forget his pathetic being.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:42 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:42 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: People are responding with good advice for how to avoid this in the future. As for how to deal with where you are now, ghosting can really bring up feelings of rejection and abandonment. Those are hard feelings to feel no matter how they arise. And in some ways this is like losing a friend as well as a potential romantic partner. It's someone you revealed yourself to and built a relationship with, even if it didn't progress the way you wanted.
There's no real shortcut through rejection. Ways to handle it and move on can really vary. So, maybe you spend some time imagining yourself as being cut free from a weight you didn't know you were attached to. Maybe you start lifting weights and reinforce the image of yourself as a strong person. Maybe you join a dance club. Maybe you write a "tell-all" journal entry where you pour your heart out and then...burn it, flush it, or publish it. Maybe you start revamping thrifted clothes into fabulous outfits. Maybe you throw a fancy dinner party. Or all of the above. Look around for what gives you feelings of joy, power, forward motion, and wholeness, and commit to doing those in some way each day or week.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:54 AM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
There's no real shortcut through rejection. Ways to handle it and move on can really vary. So, maybe you spend some time imagining yourself as being cut free from a weight you didn't know you were attached to. Maybe you start lifting weights and reinforce the image of yourself as a strong person. Maybe you join a dance club. Maybe you write a "tell-all" journal entry where you pour your heart out and then...burn it, flush it, or publish it. Maybe you start revamping thrifted clothes into fabulous outfits. Maybe you throw a fancy dinner party. Or all of the above. Look around for what gives you feelings of joy, power, forward motion, and wholeness, and commit to doing those in some way each day or week.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:54 AM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: My guess is that he either met someone in real life, or has been in a full relationship the whole time, and he wants you to be mildly on the backburner in case things don't work out with that person.
My guess is that the random brief comment message he sent came on a day when the other person seemed to be dismissive of him, so he was gently probing you - but then the other person warmed up again, so he ghosted you again.
Whatever the reason, the way he is treating you isn't some magical code to crack... it's not a "reason", it's a PERSONALITY TRAIT of his. It's not a symptom, it is the actual disease. This is how he acts.
No matter WHAT the reason, the way he treated you is who he is - wishy-washy and cowardly and avoidant and inconsiderate. This is clear because after ghosting, he texted you about some banal topic rather than explaining why he ghosted you the first time.
The banal text is PROOF that there wasn't a good reason to ghost you, or else he would have said something like, "Hi again, I had covid and was really sick, I'm better now, sorry for the long delay, yes I do want to meet!"
He didn't say that, instead he said "lol cat memes" or whatever, meaning that he hopes you will just ignore the fact that he ignored you, and you will just make things pleasant and easy for him by continuing to be interested in him.
Again: this is who he is. It's definitely not who YOU are. If you did somehow manage to date, this man would continue with variations of this behaviour, make you absolutely frantic, and do longterm damage to your self-esteem.
Move on and do NOT take him back.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:05 AM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
My guess is that the random brief comment message he sent came on a day when the other person seemed to be dismissive of him, so he was gently probing you - but then the other person warmed up again, so he ghosted you again.
Whatever the reason, the way he is treating you isn't some magical code to crack... it's not a "reason", it's a PERSONALITY TRAIT of his. It's not a symptom, it is the actual disease. This is how he acts.
No matter WHAT the reason, the way he treated you is who he is - wishy-washy and cowardly and avoidant and inconsiderate. This is clear because after ghosting, he texted you about some banal topic rather than explaining why he ghosted you the first time.
The banal text is PROOF that there wasn't a good reason to ghost you, or else he would have said something like, "Hi again, I had covid and was really sick, I'm better now, sorry for the long delay, yes I do want to meet!"
He didn't say that, instead he said "lol cat memes" or whatever, meaning that he hopes you will just ignore the fact that he ignored you, and you will just make things pleasant and easy for him by continuing to be interested in him.
Again: this is who he is. It's definitely not who YOU are. If you did somehow manage to date, this man would continue with variations of this behaviour, make you absolutely frantic, and do longterm damage to your self-esteem.
Move on and do NOT take him back.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:05 AM on April 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
Maybe shift away from ghosting podcasts? You can extract support and perspective from a small dose of that, and then after that you start creating a narrative in which this particular incident is life-defining rather than a momentary disappointment.
People crave "solving" these situations, to assert control by coming up with an explanation of what went wrong, because humans like explanations. But also it's a lot worse if you are dating from the expectation that every other human being in the world is for you if you just do the exact right thing, and that's not true. Most people are not for you, nothing you do or don't do is going to change that, and dating is a vetting process to determine on a case-by-case basis if this particular person is or is not. This person is not.
Possibly there was potential there but it was attached to a window of opportunity where taking it to IRL would have allowed it to proceed (and then possibly subsequently fail, as most relationships do), but it subsequently closed and there's nothing you can do about that now. Of all the people in the world who are statistically more likely to be for you, most of them you will never meet at all and some of them you will but catching the window open will be impossible. That's just how the numbers work.
The uncertainty isn't meaningful, it's not a message from the gods, it's just that ambiguity makes us anxious. You're second-guessing and trying to solve the situation in a way that you get what you want (including not being hurt, which of course you don't want). Totally human thing to do. But also a thing you can and should manage toward extinction.
Don't scramble to find a way to prove you're an awful human being and that's why this happened, you don't deserve that and it isn't the simplest explanation, which is that you were a convenient emotional support for a while and he found something more convenient, probably with someone who would consider any extension of the relationship with you to be infidelity. (And if you were still messaging on Tinder, he's surely deleted the app if he's seeing someone who doesn't want to see Tinder on his phone.)
This is one of those moments where it's cleaner to just accept that sometimes we have to live with not-knowing and discomfort until we put enough miles between the event and ourselves and it won't really matter anymore. You may make different choices in the future based on how this played out, and it does seem that some people arrive and depart from our lives to do nothing more than teach those lessons. You'll be okay, and you're better off focusing on reminding yourself that than having too much of a wallow in Oh Woe I Have Been Ghosted.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:09 AM on April 3, 2022 [14 favorites]
People crave "solving" these situations, to assert control by coming up with an explanation of what went wrong, because humans like explanations. But also it's a lot worse if you are dating from the expectation that every other human being in the world is for you if you just do the exact right thing, and that's not true. Most people are not for you, nothing you do or don't do is going to change that, and dating is a vetting process to determine on a case-by-case basis if this particular person is or is not. This person is not.
Possibly there was potential there but it was attached to a window of opportunity where taking it to IRL would have allowed it to proceed (and then possibly subsequently fail, as most relationships do), but it subsequently closed and there's nothing you can do about that now. Of all the people in the world who are statistically more likely to be for you, most of them you will never meet at all and some of them you will but catching the window open will be impossible. That's just how the numbers work.
The uncertainty isn't meaningful, it's not a message from the gods, it's just that ambiguity makes us anxious. You're second-guessing and trying to solve the situation in a way that you get what you want (including not being hurt, which of course you don't want). Totally human thing to do. But also a thing you can and should manage toward extinction.
Don't scramble to find a way to prove you're an awful human being and that's why this happened, you don't deserve that and it isn't the simplest explanation, which is that you were a convenient emotional support for a while and he found something more convenient, probably with someone who would consider any extension of the relationship with you to be infidelity. (And if you were still messaging on Tinder, he's surely deleted the app if he's seeing someone who doesn't want to see Tinder on his phone.)
This is one of those moments where it's cleaner to just accept that sometimes we have to live with not-knowing and discomfort until we put enough miles between the event and ourselves and it won't really matter anymore. You may make different choices in the future based on how this played out, and it does seem that some people arrive and depart from our lives to do nothing more than teach those lessons. You'll be okay, and you're better off focusing on reminding yourself that than having too much of a wallow in Oh Woe I Have Been Ghosted.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:09 AM on April 3, 2022 [14 favorites]
Best answer: The ghosting thing is awful. There could be a gazillion "reasons" for his behaviour, but the bottom line is he chose to behave in a callous and immature manner rather than doing the small amount of emotional work it would have taken to be straight with you. Now that you know that, you are free to direct your own energy where it will be truly appreciated and respected, rather than wasting it on somebody who doesn't deserve it, for whatever reason.
As others have pointed out, though, you did have an emotional connection with this person and now that's gone, it's entirely normal to feel the loss. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling whatever it is you feel until you stop feeling it. Being kind to yourself, focusing on fun things and people who make you feel good, will make things easier. Give yourself other things to think about until this fades away.
posted by rpfields at 11:12 AM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
As others have pointed out, though, you did have an emotional connection with this person and now that's gone, it's entirely normal to feel the loss. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling whatever it is you feel until you stop feeling it. Being kind to yourself, focusing on fun things and people who make you feel good, will make things easier. Give yourself other things to think about until this fades away.
posted by rpfields at 11:12 AM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Something concrete to do: delete the chat so you can’t keep looking at the read receipt or when he was last online. It will take a while for your thoughts to stop turning to him, but you can help by not keeping the chat as a “place” to go for rumination and regret and pining.
posted by Balthamos at 11:14 AM on April 3, 2022
posted by Balthamos at 11:14 AM on April 3, 2022
Response by poster: Good advice to delete the chat, thank you, I did that last week. I also deleted his number from my phone so I wouldn't text him something dumb on the spur of the moment (I have it in a drawer somewhere). I'm just having trouble getting my head around him texting me two weeks before that I was in his head and whatever else, and then ghosting. The podcasts I've listened to (just occasionally, not obsessively) have helped me to keep in mind that this is a common thing that happens to a lot of people, and that it's about him and not me. These comments are helping me with that too, as a reminder that although I (we) did a dumb thing, it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling about it.
I was so ready to hear that he didn't want to meet, and to reply wishing him well, and when his response never came it really threw me for a loop. It's been a handy reminder that people are often not who they say they are (or who they might want to be), and that there's no controlling or predicting other people's behaviour.
posted by rubbish bin night at 11:32 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was so ready to hear that he didn't want to meet, and to reply wishing him well, and when his response never came it really threw me for a loop. It's been a handy reminder that people are often not who they say they are (or who they might want to be), and that there's no controlling or predicting other people's behaviour.
posted by rubbish bin night at 11:32 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was so ready to hear that he didn't want to meet, and to reply wishing him well, and when his response never came it really threw me for a loop.
Yeah, that basic lack of courtesy and consideration for your feelings can be a bit of a shock. What a jerk this guy was. You dodged a bullet by not getting more involved with him than you were. That kind of behaviour usually only gets worse.
I was pretty lucky to only have this happen to me a couple of times back when I was online dating. After the first time, the next time I didn't get a reply to an ongoing chat, or somebody didn't follow up when they promised to finalize plans, I gave it a reasonable interval and then followed up with them to say something along the lines of "I haven't heard from you and so have decided to move on, I wish you well etc.." and then blocked and deleted them. The guys might well have been rolling their eyes at the idea that it was my decision, but it made me feel like I had more control and meant that I was not waiting around.
I wouldn't recommend reopening communication with this guy even to say buh-bye, but if you ever find yourself in this situation again--and let's face it, you can't control whether or not you run into another idiot--this could be a way of maintaining a greater sense of control and closure.
posted by rpfields at 11:46 AM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yeah, that basic lack of courtesy and consideration for your feelings can be a bit of a shock. What a jerk this guy was. You dodged a bullet by not getting more involved with him than you were. That kind of behaviour usually only gets worse.
I was pretty lucky to only have this happen to me a couple of times back when I was online dating. After the first time, the next time I didn't get a reply to an ongoing chat, or somebody didn't follow up when they promised to finalize plans, I gave it a reasonable interval and then followed up with them to say something along the lines of "I haven't heard from you and so have decided to move on, I wish you well etc.." and then blocked and deleted them. The guys might well have been rolling their eyes at the idea that it was my decision, but it made me feel like I had more control and meant that I was not waiting around.
I wouldn't recommend reopening communication with this guy even to say buh-bye, but if you ever find yourself in this situation again--and let's face it, you can't control whether or not you run into another idiot--this could be a way of maintaining a greater sense of control and closure.
posted by rpfields at 11:46 AM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Some people are so scared of conflict and other folks being mad at them that they don’t even know how to be direct. It feels easier not to respond. It also could be that at this point, he’s involved with someone else or just doesn’t know. This is about them, not you.
This on-going contact must have given you both something because it lasted so long. I will also note that extended messaging, especially before meeting up, can give a sense of intimacy unrelated to in-person chemistry. The longer the messaging lasts, the harder it is if there’s not an in-person connection.
It might be helpful for you to reflect on why this all lasted so long without meeting. What was going on such that you developed an attachment to someone local who you never met up with? (Or, it seems like, spoke with on the phone or video chatted with.) What needs was this connection meeting, and why did you continue to engage without meeting? You don’t have to tell us this but it’s something to reflect on.
It sounds like the current situation stings. In the bigger picture, you have your answer. It’s okay to grieve this connection and it’s good to try to figure out how to move forward.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:08 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
This on-going contact must have given you both something because it lasted so long. I will also note that extended messaging, especially before meeting up, can give a sense of intimacy unrelated to in-person chemistry. The longer the messaging lasts, the harder it is if there’s not an in-person connection.
It might be helpful for you to reflect on why this all lasted so long without meeting. What was going on such that you developed an attachment to someone local who you never met up with? (Or, it seems like, spoke with on the phone or video chatted with.) What needs was this connection meeting, and why did you continue to engage without meeting? You don’t have to tell us this but it’s something to reflect on.
It sounds like the current situation stings. In the bigger picture, you have your answer. It’s okay to grieve this connection and it’s good to try to figure out how to move forward.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:08 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
but he did repeatedly ask me out which never eventuated for a range of stupid reasons (constant corona issues, putting my back out etc).
Perhaps he’s not ready to make plans that fall through again?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:56 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Perhaps he’s not ready to make plans that fall through again?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:56 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
He has told you. It’s not the fantasy of how you wanted things to go, but he has communicated the same information.
You need to realise that you have constructed a fantasy and that reality is at odds with it. Kindly and with the power of time you need to begin unravelling the fantasy and come to terms with reality.
posted by Balthamos at 2:47 PM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
You need to realise that you have constructed a fantasy and that reality is at odds with it. Kindly and with the power of time you need to begin unravelling the fantasy and come to terms with reality.
posted by Balthamos at 2:47 PM on April 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
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posted by erattacorrige at 6:47 AM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]