Resources for overcoming overprotective parenting in adulthood?
April 1, 2022 7:03 AM Subscribe
What resources will help an adult understand the effects of having been overprotectively parented as a child?
Yes, yes, I know, work it out with a therapist. But in the meantime, are there especially good books or other resources for understanding the adult implications of having had overprotective parents? I grew up an an extremely anxious, risk-averse household, and now that I'm well into adulthood, I could use some perspective on how this might have affected me. (As an example, I notice that as an adult I sometimes tend to overcorrect when assessing the danger of a situation, or how meek and well-behaved I should be in a given environment, just because I don't think I have an especially well-calibrated barometer in that respect.)
But I keep ending up down these internet rabbit-holes that are really suited more for people who had outrageously narcissistic parents or who were really properly emotionally abused, which is not really my case.
My interest is not in understanding my adult relationship with my parents or learning to set boundaries there: we're all good now. I just could use some reading material that will help me understand the past a bit better and how it's affected the present.
Yes, yes, I know, work it out with a therapist. But in the meantime, are there especially good books or other resources for understanding the adult implications of having had overprotective parents? I grew up an an extremely anxious, risk-averse household, and now that I'm well into adulthood, I could use some perspective on how this might have affected me. (As an example, I notice that as an adult I sometimes tend to overcorrect when assessing the danger of a situation, or how meek and well-behaved I should be in a given environment, just because I don't think I have an especially well-calibrated barometer in that respect.)
But I keep ending up down these internet rabbit-holes that are really suited more for people who had outrageously narcissistic parents or who were really properly emotionally abused, which is not really my case.
My interest is not in understanding my adult relationship with my parents or learning to set boundaries there: we're all good now. I just could use some reading material that will help me understand the past a bit better and how it's affected the present.
Response by poster: Oh, good point! In case it's relevant, I am actually a parent now, and this is definitely a thing I think about as an aspect of parenting I'm not especially confident about. So parenting guides are more than welcome!
posted by catesbie at 7:35 AM on April 1, 2022
posted by catesbie at 7:35 AM on April 1, 2022
Other than tut-tutting from conservative boomers? Sorry I don't think you'll find a true scientific though you might find 'science' about it.
The aspects you are talking about are just too variable for anyone to have written anything useful about it. And I played outside a lot carrying a gun regularly as a kid, and my parents literally forgot me at various practices on the rare occasion, and I'm still occasionally meek. It's a personality trait, not really something cast upon you by your parents raising of you.
So whatever you find, treat it as individual stories, not something you could necessarily apply to entire populations.
Unless it's really effecting you, I'd even disagree you need to work it out with your therapist. Some people are risk takers and others are not. Statistics about safety don't matter even at the population level, so you can't attack things like this rationally. And the same people who are really concerned about some risks (like child trafficking & abduction) could care less about positive health effects of kids' walking to school for example.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:23 AM on April 1, 2022
The aspects you are talking about are just too variable for anyone to have written anything useful about it. And I played outside a lot carrying a gun regularly as a kid, and my parents literally forgot me at various practices on the rare occasion, and I'm still occasionally meek. It's a personality trait, not really something cast upon you by your parents raising of you.
So whatever you find, treat it as individual stories, not something you could necessarily apply to entire populations.
Unless it's really effecting you, I'd even disagree you need to work it out with your therapist. Some people are risk takers and others are not. Statistics about safety don't matter even at the population level, so you can't attack things like this rationally. And the same people who are really concerned about some risks (like child trafficking & abduction) could care less about positive health effects of kids' walking to school for example.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:23 AM on April 1, 2022
Best answer: A parenting manual that I wish I had read long before having a kid is Raising a Secure Child, which goes into different attachment styles and how the early relationship with your parents shapes how you relate to others and situations later in your life (which I believe is mainstream psychology at this point and not some far-out idea).
posted by acantha at 9:12 AM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by acantha at 9:12 AM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Sorry I don't think you'll find a true scientific though you might find 'science' about it.
Perhaps not books, but the effects of anxious parents have have been exhaustively studied.
OP, If you’re of an academic bent this paper (PDF) will get you started. In the references section you’ll find a large number of papers that talk about this topic.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Perhaps not books, but the effects of anxious parents have have been exhaustively studied.
OP, If you’re of an academic bent this paper (PDF) will get you started. In the references section you’ll find a large number of papers that talk about this topic.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I wonder if it might be helpful to read memoirs of people roughly your age or older who didn't grow up in the same kind of household? I don't mean people who grew up in dangerous or abusive situations, but maybe folks who grew up with parents who were more hands off or who were adventurous.
I also know it's incredibly helpful to spend time around other parents and their kids (even if, or maybe especially if, my kids aren't around) just to see how they parent. Again, I don't mean the ones who are anxious or controlling or worried. It's so great to see and watch different examples of good parenting in real life.
You're asking for reading materials about the kind of situation you grew up, but I am also wondering if the opposite might be useful too.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:56 PM on April 1, 2022
I also know it's incredibly helpful to spend time around other parents and their kids (even if, or maybe especially if, my kids aren't around) just to see how they parent. Again, I don't mean the ones who are anxious or controlling or worried. It's so great to see and watch different examples of good parenting in real life.
You're asking for reading materials about the kind of situation you grew up, but I am also wondering if the opposite might be useful too.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:56 PM on April 1, 2022
Response by poster: Thanks, all!
@Tell Me No Lies: academic is fine!
@The_Vegetables: self-help / anecdata is also fine!
@bluedaisy: yeah, I hear you. I do get quite a bit of that in my real life - almost literally everyone I know grew up less this way than I did - so I'm really just hoping for someone to articulate this particular experience for me.
posted by catesbie at 9:29 AM on April 2, 2022
@Tell Me No Lies: academic is fine!
@The_Vegetables: self-help / anecdata is also fine!
@bluedaisy: yeah, I hear you. I do get quite a bit of that in my real life - almost literally everyone I know grew up less this way than I did - so I'm really just hoping for someone to articulate this particular experience for me.
posted by catesbie at 9:29 AM on April 2, 2022
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Other suggestions would be books on risk. I'm less familiar with those but hopefully people have suggestions! I've done my stepping out of what I would not call overparenting in the slightest but highly-emotional parenting in part through taking courses like First Aid, climbing, as a teen Outward Bound-like experiences, where risk management is explicitly taught.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:10 AM on April 1, 2022