5-year-old bathroom habits
March 11, 2022 12:56 PM Subscribe
My five-year-old son has become reliant on adult reminders to go to the bathroom. We need to break him of this habit and teach him how to be independent. Has anyone dealt with this?
Background: he’s always been a bit late with the physical milestones (talking, crawling etc). He has also always been on the small side, and at one point we went through testing to determine if he was just small, or if he was small because there was a problem. As part of this testing, they x-rayed his hand and said that his physical maturation was about nine months behind. I’m not sure if this is related to the bathroom problems or not.
Why did toilet training two years ago, during the pandemic. He did fine. When he returned to in-person school last year, he had a string of accidents. I was very strict about reminding him to go before we left for school, and when I picked him up before we left to go home. The accidents became less frequent, but still, they have persisted.
Recently, his teacher was away for a few days and during that time, he had three accidents. I spoke with his teacher after this and she said that he does not have accidents very often anymore, but with that said, she and the other teacher do tell him every day to go. And when they don’t, he almost certainly has an accident. It seems he has become very dependent on adult reminders
I have noticed some irritation in the private area, and I have realized that sometimes he has small weeks and doesn’t tell anyone and doesn’t change his clothes. I’m concerned that this is escalating into some kind of health issue. His doctor recommended we get a watch with a vibrating alarm on it to remind him to go. I’m a little bit reluctant because I don’t want him to become dependent on but the way he has become dependent on an adult telling him.
Any advice as welcome. I don’t want him to be teased about this, and I’m worried that when he moves to grade 1 one next year, there will not be a washroom inside the classroom, and there will only be one teacher, and they will be less inclined to micromanage this. How can I fix this?
Background: he’s always been a bit late with the physical milestones (talking, crawling etc). He has also always been on the small side, and at one point we went through testing to determine if he was just small, or if he was small because there was a problem. As part of this testing, they x-rayed his hand and said that his physical maturation was about nine months behind. I’m not sure if this is related to the bathroom problems or not.
Why did toilet training two years ago, during the pandemic. He did fine. When he returned to in-person school last year, he had a string of accidents. I was very strict about reminding him to go before we left for school, and when I picked him up before we left to go home. The accidents became less frequent, but still, they have persisted.
Recently, his teacher was away for a few days and during that time, he had three accidents. I spoke with his teacher after this and she said that he does not have accidents very often anymore, but with that said, she and the other teacher do tell him every day to go. And when they don’t, he almost certainly has an accident. It seems he has become very dependent on adult reminders
I have noticed some irritation in the private area, and I have realized that sometimes he has small weeks and doesn’t tell anyone and doesn’t change his clothes. I’m concerned that this is escalating into some kind of health issue. His doctor recommended we get a watch with a vibrating alarm on it to remind him to go. I’m a little bit reluctant because I don’t want him to become dependent on but the way he has become dependent on an adult telling him.
Any advice as welcome. I don’t want him to be teased about this, and I’m worried that when he moves to grade 1 one next year, there will not be a washroom inside the classroom, and there will only be one teacher, and they will be less inclined to micromanage this. How can I fix this?
If a vibrating alarm will be effective for him, use it. It's incredibly unlikely he'll be dependent on it forever, and even if he is, so what? I need my Fitbit to tell me to walk around a little bit every hour and I'm still a functional adult.
If you're really intent on not going that route, try stopping every hour and asking him to notice the sensation in his bladder and decide on his own if he needs to go. This may help him better make the association.
posted by metasarah at 1:20 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you're really intent on not going that route, try stopping every hour and asking him to notice the sensation in his bladder and decide on his own if he needs to go. This may help him better make the association.
posted by metasarah at 1:20 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I adopted a girl, who had some obvious signs of previous abuse. At ten she was still bedwetting and we were en route to trying everything we hadn't previously, but after a 30 day run of antibiotics for a different condition, it suddenly stopped. Then the pediatrician finally had to realize this came from her family of origin, and gi en all data and signs, there should ha e been a much more thorough physical at the time of adoption. So, it never hurts to get a culture and make sure it is not a pediatric urinary tract infection. You will hear this is rare, or whatever you hear, but insist it gets done. Kids get into all kinds of things, if you are urban, park swing chains, handrails, school is just alive with kid snot, and poop and all. They are not good handwashers. I would be more worried about inattention, or lethargy. If he is on meds for something, read all the warnings again. Maybe you have recently returned to work from covid isolation, kids will go backwards into the very comfortable zone of parental care and reminders.
posted by Oyéah at 1:26 PM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 1:26 PM on March 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is highly anecdotal, but I have ADHD (only diagnosed as an adult, but looking back it's pretty clear it's been lifelong) and I had similar issues at that age - I think related to basically getting mentally caught up in anything else I was doing and forgetting about using the bathroom. I'm not really sure about solutions, but I figured sharing that could possibly be helpful.
posted by augustimagination at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
The small leaks is something I might want to investigate with a doctor. Totally agree it could be that stealth constipation.
Assuming it's not physical...for the reminders...I have a couple of different angles on it.
One is, I work with a variety of kids and needing reminders at age 5 is actually not that uncommon. We run camps and part of our procedures are to build in reminders to use the bathroom in the day - like, that's how common it is. That's doubly true if there's a substitute or a change in adults, because some kids just won't ask if they are shy with a new person or the routine is slightly thrown off.
Two is, I'd just get him a fitbit or similar and set a vibrating alarm on it. Because I'm a full-out adult, but I do have some quirks about not being able to feel my body under a few kinds of stress (yoga and martial arts have helped a lot with this, but still) and so I actually can go from "not aware I need to use the washroom" to "painfully needing to use the washroom" without any steps in between. My long-term, adult solution is that I build "going to the bathroom" into my day/routine. If I've blocked out say half a day to write/do thinking work, I actually will set an alarm. And that's okay! it works fine for me.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:37 PM on March 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
Assuming it's not physical...for the reminders...I have a couple of different angles on it.
One is, I work with a variety of kids and needing reminders at age 5 is actually not that uncommon. We run camps and part of our procedures are to build in reminders to use the bathroom in the day - like, that's how common it is. That's doubly true if there's a substitute or a change in adults, because some kids just won't ask if they are shy with a new person or the routine is slightly thrown off.
Two is, I'd just get him a fitbit or similar and set a vibrating alarm on it. Because I'm a full-out adult, but I do have some quirks about not being able to feel my body under a few kinds of stress (yoga and martial arts have helped a lot with this, but still) and so I actually can go from "not aware I need to use the washroom" to "painfully needing to use the washroom" without any steps in between. My long-term, adult solution is that I build "going to the bathroom" into my day/routine. If I've blocked out say half a day to write/do thinking work, I actually will set an alarm. And that's okay! it works fine for me.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:37 PM on March 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
Even mild constipation can cause urinary incontinence. Add fiber, bran muffins, oatmeal, dried apricots, lots of fruit & veg. A urologist I know firmly believes that dyes, especially, and other food additives contribute to urinary incontinence.
Make it a habit to remind him to go to the bathroom every time you leave the house, every time you get home, before dinner, obv. before bed. We're leaving in 2 minutes, go use the bathroom and wash your hands, please. That will help him develop a useful habit.
Sometimes kids do something because they need attention so try to be extra-attentive - play games, watch shows, ask him to come hang out while you cook. Five is old enough to ask him - Why do you think you're having accidents lately? and What can we do so you have fewer accidents?
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on March 11, 2022
Make it a habit to remind him to go to the bathroom every time you leave the house, every time you get home, before dinner, obv. before bed. We're leaving in 2 minutes, go use the bathroom and wash your hands, please. That will help him develop a useful habit.
Sometimes kids do something because they need attention so try to be extra-attentive - play games, watch shows, ask him to come hang out while you cook. Five is old enough to ask him - Why do you think you're having accidents lately? and What can we do so you have fewer accidents?
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on March 11, 2022
You can also do rewards. Every day without an accident gets a star on the calendar on the wall. 5 consecutive stars gets a sticker, 3 stickers gets a very small but tangible reward - 1 of a new set of markers or whatever. Tangible and consistent rewards are very powerful at affecting behavior. Rewards like this are only about rewarding desired behavior. If there was an accident, no comment, or, at most, you can try again tomorrow. If there was no accident, and he used the bathroom at appropriate times Good work, I put a star on the calendar for no accidents.
posted by theora55 at 2:03 PM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 2:03 PM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
My boy is 7 and needs to be reminded to go to the bathroom. He’ll figure it out eventually, I’m sure.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 2:21 PM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 2:21 PM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Sometimes regressions like this can come from stress. I think school has been a stressful place to be for a lot of kids in the last year+.
Those vibrating watches are good for many things. We had one to help with classroom transitions. I think we had four of them because they kept breaking, but they were useful enough that we kept replacing. But we haven’t needed one this year. I wouldn’t worry about permanent dependency.
posted by eirias at 9:07 PM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Those vibrating watches are good for many things. We had one to help with classroom transitions. I think we had four of them because they kept breaking, but they were useful enough that we kept replacing. But we haven’t needed one this year. I wouldn’t worry about permanent dependency.
posted by eirias at 9:07 PM on March 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Came to recommend rewards as perhaps a place to start. Get a cache of little treats; whatever matters to him. I had a similar situation and Pokemon cards, Hot Wheels, etc. were cheap but powerful motivators. If he went on his own, a small reward (one card); a successful day, a larger reward (a whole pack); a successful week, larger etc. (a visit to a favorite place). Maybe see how that plays out?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:23 AM on March 12, 2022
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:23 AM on March 12, 2022
The Daniel Tiger potty episodes (there are several, and lots of clips) helped a kid I know. The catchy little mottos, like "Stop and go right away" or "sit and let's see" are really helpful.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:43 PM on March 14, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:43 PM on March 14, 2022
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I doubt a reminder watch would become permanently necessary, and it will certainly train his mind and body to habitually potty at given times. Sounds like win to me!
posted by girlbowler at 1:20 PM on March 11, 2022 [11 favorites]