Please help me like more people
March 9, 2022 5:36 AM Subscribe
I had a really hard time growing up, leaving me with a lot of fear of other people. At a deep level, I reflexively look for reasons to reject people rather than let them get close to me. This has left me isolated and lonely, and I want to stop. I want to like more people. Extended explanation after the fold.
I'm AFAB, 40, and I've only recently been diagnosed with autism. The autism explains a lot about my shitty childhood, and I imagine I will be dealing with the fall out grief for a while, but it gives me a short hand to explain how I think I ended up this way: for essentially my entire childhood, I was roundly hated and despised in every arena of my life. I had an abusive step parent who had a pretty profound disgust reaction to what I now understand as my autism, and a parent who checked out rather than deal with that abuse. It was a similar story at school and in extracurriculars: I was the weird kid who immediately became a target of both other kids and teachers. My most vivid and consistent memories are of expressions of disgust or contempt/aggression on the faces of people who engaged with me. It was pretty much constant.
So as a result I got really fucking good at masking. I learned how to be a popular kid, at the cost of being someone else and forgetting how to be my authentic self (or how to seek out joy or connection).
Fast forward all these years, and I've dealt with a lot of the trauma. I no longer actively have to deal with triggers very often, and I'm learning how to drop all the masks and how to seek out things I actually enjoy. I'm not totally there yet, but I'm learning. I've got a lot of tools in my toolbelt. But I've missed out on the years when most people find their people by being their authentic selves, so I have a lot of catching up to do.
But I find that now that I have this self awareness, I've also realized that *I just don't like most people.* I think this is a kind of reflexive fear-based aggression response -- my brain automatically looks for things to be critical about, for reasons to reject people before they can reject me, finding a superficial safety in a sense of superiority. They're boring, they don't surprise me, they don't make me laugh, talking to them is draining, etc. I don't want to do this. I want to train my brain to seek out what makes people beautiful, even if they're not for me . I want to be able to find delight in more people. I haven't had a real crush since I was a teenager, and that fucking *sucks*. I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't know how to stop.
How would you do this? What would you do to literally train your brain to have different reactions? Or to at least balance it out a bit? Added difficulty: I am currently living in the middle of nowhere without much IRL social interaction. This isn't a disaster, since the idea of starting sort of slow with online interactions actually feels less overwhelming to me, but might inform any advice you have to give.
I do have a therapist, and I've talked to her about this. But I need more practical ideas.
I'm AFAB, 40, and I've only recently been diagnosed with autism. The autism explains a lot about my shitty childhood, and I imagine I will be dealing with the fall out grief for a while, but it gives me a short hand to explain how I think I ended up this way: for essentially my entire childhood, I was roundly hated and despised in every arena of my life. I had an abusive step parent who had a pretty profound disgust reaction to what I now understand as my autism, and a parent who checked out rather than deal with that abuse. It was a similar story at school and in extracurriculars: I was the weird kid who immediately became a target of both other kids and teachers. My most vivid and consistent memories are of expressions of disgust or contempt/aggression on the faces of people who engaged with me. It was pretty much constant.
So as a result I got really fucking good at masking. I learned how to be a popular kid, at the cost of being someone else and forgetting how to be my authentic self (or how to seek out joy or connection).
Fast forward all these years, and I've dealt with a lot of the trauma. I no longer actively have to deal with triggers very often, and I'm learning how to drop all the masks and how to seek out things I actually enjoy. I'm not totally there yet, but I'm learning. I've got a lot of tools in my toolbelt. But I've missed out on the years when most people find their people by being their authentic selves, so I have a lot of catching up to do.
But I find that now that I have this self awareness, I've also realized that *I just don't like most people.* I think this is a kind of reflexive fear-based aggression response -- my brain automatically looks for things to be critical about, for reasons to reject people before they can reject me, finding a superficial safety in a sense of superiority. They're boring, they don't surprise me, they don't make me laugh, talking to them is draining, etc. I don't want to do this. I want to train my brain to seek out what makes people beautiful, even if they're not for me . I want to be able to find delight in more people. I haven't had a real crush since I was a teenager, and that fucking *sucks*. I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't know how to stop.
How would you do this? What would you do to literally train your brain to have different reactions? Or to at least balance it out a bit? Added difficulty: I am currently living in the middle of nowhere without much IRL social interaction. This isn't a disaster, since the idea of starting sort of slow with online interactions actually feels less overwhelming to me, but might inform any advice you have to give.
I do have a therapist, and I've talked to her about this. But I need more practical ideas.
Have you considered starting a gratitude practice? For the people you have connected with, maybe you could write down or say out loud to yourself three things you’re thankful for relating to them.
My spouse tends to get in what I call “negativity loops” and when he does, I ask him about those three things every day until he snaps out of it. I also share. It really helps and the the literature and research backs this up.
Directing this grateful energy toward the people you encounter will help rewire your brain.
If you try it and like it, you may want to start a practice of lovingkindness meditation.
posted by rw at 6:16 AM on March 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
My spouse tends to get in what I call “negativity loops” and when he does, I ask him about those three things every day until he snaps out of it. I also share. It really helps and the the literature and research backs this up.
Directing this grateful energy toward the people you encounter will help rewire your brain.
If you try it and like it, you may want to start a practice of lovingkindness meditation.
posted by rw at 6:16 AM on March 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
Do you read much fiction? I feel like that is a major source of my ability to understand and emphasize with where people are and how they can be different from me. Compassionate practices including meditation also helped.
If what you mean by hyper empathy is what I'm thinking of - being very affected by others' moods and feeling distress when you are around someone unhappy - this is almost certainly hurting rather than helping. It's hard to be compassionate to someone's pain when you feel like they are forcing you to feel pain too, the first instinct is to try to make the pain stop by avoiding them or avoiding the feelings.
posted by Lady Li at 6:20 AM on March 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
If what you mean by hyper empathy is what I'm thinking of - being very affected by others' moods and feeling distress when you are around someone unhappy - this is almost certainly hurting rather than helping. It's hard to be compassionate to someone's pain when you feel like they are forcing you to feel pain too, the first instinct is to try to make the pain stop by avoiding them or avoiding the feelings.
posted by Lady Li at 6:20 AM on March 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
talking to them is draining
Just on this one point. I have a female friend who was diagnosed with Aspergers back when Aspergers was still a diagnosis. She found social interactions absolutely exhausting, and eventually she and her therapist unspooled that it was largely because of the masking. When you're masking it's impossible to get your own needs met, and so every interaction is pure cost (the work of performing), with no benefit (real human connection). Apparently this is especially a problem for women who have autism, because social expectations require women to mask better/more than men.
You say you're learning how to drop the masks, so that is good and may help. Maybe it's something to explore with your therapist -- how to identify your own emotional needs and try to get them met through other people. Sorry if this is obvious :)
posted by Susan PG at 7:12 AM on March 9, 2022 [26 favorites]
Just on this one point. I have a female friend who was diagnosed with Aspergers back when Aspergers was still a diagnosis. She found social interactions absolutely exhausting, and eventually she and her therapist unspooled that it was largely because of the masking. When you're masking it's impossible to get your own needs met, and so every interaction is pure cost (the work of performing), with no benefit (real human connection). Apparently this is especially a problem for women who have autism, because social expectations require women to mask better/more than men.
You say you're learning how to drop the masks, so that is good and may help. Maybe it's something to explore with your therapist -- how to identify your own emotional needs and try to get them met through other people. Sorry if this is obvious :)
posted by Susan PG at 7:12 AM on March 9, 2022 [26 favorites]
Susan PG makes a great point. I love people. But I say that with an asterisk implied.
I love people in 1:1 or in small groups, but not in crowds. I love some people when I only see them in passing and other people enough to spend whole days with them. I love elderly people more than I love children, in general. I love people when my energy levels are okay, but I only love a few specific people when I'm feeling worn out. I love parties, but only for roughly three and a half minutes before I hate the party and everyone there, so either I don't go to parties or I wait until society advances to a point where parties only last for three minutes.
You can love people, but not have to love them all the time.
But I've missed out on the years when most people find their people by being their authentic selves, so I have a lot of catching up to do.
I have six years on you and what I'm finding is that as people get older, they grow more truly and deeply into themselves. The artifice is gone, the flashing impulses of the search to discover everything about yourself. I mean, some people have it totally together when they're young, but I certainly didn't. So while we're not thrown in with each other in the sheer numbers we were as students and younger adults, we also have the advantage of being a bit more settled in and less chaotic. It evens out.
posted by mochapickle at 7:27 AM on March 9, 2022 [8 favorites]
I love people in 1:1 or in small groups, but not in crowds. I love some people when I only see them in passing and other people enough to spend whole days with them. I love elderly people more than I love children, in general. I love people when my energy levels are okay, but I only love a few specific people when I'm feeling worn out. I love parties, but only for roughly three and a half minutes before I hate the party and everyone there, so either I don't go to parties or I wait until society advances to a point where parties only last for three minutes.
You can love people, but not have to love them all the time.
But I've missed out on the years when most people find their people by being their authentic selves, so I have a lot of catching up to do.
I have six years on you and what I'm finding is that as people get older, they grow more truly and deeply into themselves. The artifice is gone, the flashing impulses of the search to discover everything about yourself. I mean, some people have it totally together when they're young, but I certainly didn't. So while we're not thrown in with each other in the sheer numbers we were as students and younger adults, we also have the advantage of being a bit more settled in and less chaotic. It evens out.
posted by mochapickle at 7:27 AM on March 9, 2022 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: One last addition:
I'm also ADHD, and I struggle with not interrupting people or having my thoughts race ahead of a conversation, and part of my difficulties with unmasking while I still have this auto-rejection habit is that, well, I think I might be kind of an asshole to people if I dropped too much of the mask right now. I'd like to be able to drop the mask while being able to focus on the good things about them (for as long as that's sustainable in a given interaction), but I need that ability first. It seems kind of a delicate balance.
That said, at this point in my life I'm confident in my ability to behave appropriately. What I can't seem to do is find much delight or joy in other people. I don't think it's possible that everyone else really is boring or whatever, so this feels squarely like it's my problem.
And...I want that joy. I want that delight. I've had it in the past with a few select people, but at the time I was a) younger, and easier to impress, and b) often high. In fact, the way I learned to feel happy, or delighted, or to laugh, really, was through experiential learning via pot: being high on cannabis and then being able to carry that perception over when I was sober. I still have that ability (albeit less than I did when I was high), but cannabis itself is no longer an option for me.
posted by SmockTheSock at 7:48 AM on March 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm also ADHD, and I struggle with not interrupting people or having my thoughts race ahead of a conversation, and part of my difficulties with unmasking while I still have this auto-rejection habit is that, well, I think I might be kind of an asshole to people if I dropped too much of the mask right now. I'd like to be able to drop the mask while being able to focus on the good things about them (for as long as that's sustainable in a given interaction), but I need that ability first. It seems kind of a delicate balance.
That said, at this point in my life I'm confident in my ability to behave appropriately. What I can't seem to do is find much delight or joy in other people. I don't think it's possible that everyone else really is boring or whatever, so this feels squarely like it's my problem.
And...I want that joy. I want that delight. I've had it in the past with a few select people, but at the time I was a) younger, and easier to impress, and b) often high. In fact, the way I learned to feel happy, or delighted, or to laugh, really, was through experiential learning via pot: being high on cannabis and then being able to carry that perception over when I was sober. I still have that ability (albeit less than I did when I was high), but cannabis itself is no longer an option for me.
posted by SmockTheSock at 7:48 AM on March 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't know if this will speak to you, but I will share in case it helped. The point at which I started to be able to genuinely welcome people into my life (or in my case, also back into my life) was when I truly understood that I am a full-grown adult and so I have a choice about who I let into my life.
As a child, I was trapped with my parents, my extended family, at school. These are situations that as I child, I literally could not escape. And so being bullied and abused was not just wrong and horrible, it was also inevitable, because I could not do things like get a different job, block calls, live safely, etc.
It took me a long time to feel safe and secure. After that I raised the stakes for myself veeeeerrrry slowly. I started with reading poetry regularly at a cafe, then a regular yoga class. I started talking to people a little bit, just small talk. Then I started to look for groups (in my case moms groups which have the benefit of being easy and the disadvantage that they can become little toxic hotbeds with your kids involved), and then after I had learned a few things there, I started being more genuine with people and reached out to some people from my past and also got warmer with people from my present.
I will tell you that as a consequence of my childhood, some of my ability to be friends is I think fairly permanently compromised. I am NOT the person that comes home at the end of the day and calls her friends to get support or talk to them. When I'm in pain (any kind), every part of me seeks to be alone. I am the kind of person who needs a neutral reason to get together -- regular hang out night, book club, etc. -- because the idea of reaching out when I am Having An Emotion is like, just not possible. Weirdly I'm great at the reverse, I love it when my friends reach out to me. But it works okay. And my really close friends know to just show up even when I'm like "uhhhhnnn no cannot talk about my latest mammogram right now, hey, how about that Inventing Anna."
So I guess what I'm saying is some of that fear is probably based on the idea that in the past you couldn't escape. Now you know you not only can - you have. Go slow, but it'll be ok.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:51 AM on March 9, 2022 [20 favorites]
As a child, I was trapped with my parents, my extended family, at school. These are situations that as I child, I literally could not escape. And so being bullied and abused was not just wrong and horrible, it was also inevitable, because I could not do things like get a different job, block calls, live safely, etc.
It took me a long time to feel safe and secure. After that I raised the stakes for myself veeeeerrrry slowly. I started with reading poetry regularly at a cafe, then a regular yoga class. I started talking to people a little bit, just small talk. Then I started to look for groups (in my case moms groups which have the benefit of being easy and the disadvantage that they can become little toxic hotbeds with your kids involved), and then after I had learned a few things there, I started being more genuine with people and reached out to some people from my past and also got warmer with people from my present.
I will tell you that as a consequence of my childhood, some of my ability to be friends is I think fairly permanently compromised. I am NOT the person that comes home at the end of the day and calls her friends to get support or talk to them. When I'm in pain (any kind), every part of me seeks to be alone. I am the kind of person who needs a neutral reason to get together -- regular hang out night, book club, etc. -- because the idea of reaching out when I am Having An Emotion is like, just not possible. Weirdly I'm great at the reverse, I love it when my friends reach out to me. But it works okay. And my really close friends know to just show up even when I'm like "uhhhhnnn no cannot talk about my latest mammogram right now, hey, how about that Inventing Anna."
So I guess what I'm saying is some of that fear is probably based on the idea that in the past you couldn't escape. Now you know you not only can - you have. Go slow, but it'll be ok.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:51 AM on March 9, 2022 [20 favorites]
Have you thought about seeking out ways to meet other neurodivergent people? For example, in my city there's a meetup group specifically for neurodivergent people.
I do not mean to imply AT ALL that autistic people can only get along with other autistic people, or that neurotypical people are incapable of accepting autistic friends as they are, or anything like that. Trying to get to know people through similar interests is a good idea too, it's completely normal to find people who are interested in the same things as you more interesting.
However, it sounds like a huge part of your feelings stem from the fear of being rejected by people based on the things that are traits of your autism and/or ADHD (like you were in the past), plus how exhausting it can be to try to interact with people who aren't on the same wavelength as you. Other people who may have some of the same traits and also struggled to fit in are way less likely to reject you for these things. To the contrary, I'm sure there are lots of people who would be happy to meet a nice person who is more understanding of them and they feel like they can be themselves around.
posted by picardythird at 8:48 AM on March 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
I do not mean to imply AT ALL that autistic people can only get along with other autistic people, or that neurotypical people are incapable of accepting autistic friends as they are, or anything like that. Trying to get to know people through similar interests is a good idea too, it's completely normal to find people who are interested in the same things as you more interesting.
However, it sounds like a huge part of your feelings stem from the fear of being rejected by people based on the things that are traits of your autism and/or ADHD (like you were in the past), plus how exhausting it can be to try to interact with people who aren't on the same wavelength as you. Other people who may have some of the same traits and also struggled to fit in are way less likely to reject you for these things. To the contrary, I'm sure there are lots of people who would be happy to meet a nice person who is more understanding of them and they feel like they can be themselves around.
posted by picardythird at 8:48 AM on March 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
nthing loving kindness meditation - this is what helped me the most.
One easy way to get into it is to use the Insight Timer app and search for "loving kindness" or "metta" (loving kindness in Pali) and try out different versions and teachers until you find one you like.
It's just about deliberately practicing positive emotion so that it's more readily available to you in any situation. I find it has helped me break down the barriers between myself and others, and have more empathy for everyone (including myself).
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 10:34 AM on March 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
One easy way to get into it is to use the Insight Timer app and search for "loving kindness" or "metta" (loving kindness in Pali) and try out different versions and teachers until you find one you like.
It's just about deliberately practicing positive emotion so that it's more readily available to you in any situation. I find it has helped me break down the barriers between myself and others, and have more empathy for everyone (including myself).
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 10:34 AM on March 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
To be blunt: make friends with other autistic + adhd people. I’m in the same boat as you, late-assessed high masker with a lot of attachment trauma, and all my close friends except two are neurodivergent. After a lifetime of being unseen, you deserve to say no to anyone who can’t admire you as you are.
As for training your brain– people watching! You don’t have to interact to appreciate.
posted by lloquat at 11:50 AM on March 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
As for training your brain– people watching! You don’t have to interact to appreciate.
posted by lloquat at 11:50 AM on March 9, 2022 [7 favorites]
When you first allow yourself to dislike anyone, you may dislike people for minor reasons. It helps me to dislike attributes of a person and still look for other things to like. You're moving from trying to be liked to making choices about what you want. Lots of people have limited friendships; the person we like to have coffee with when we hang out at the dog park, the people we go out after work with, the book group. This is fine.
Consider that some part of rejecting people is a way of avoiding rejection by pre-empting it. When I'm depressed, I dislike more people and dislike them more. So I avoid them. And stay depressed because I get isolated. Lots of people won't especially like you, some people will like you; you'll like some percentage of them. Make opportunities for people to come in to your life, give them a chance, and give yourself a chance.
posted by theora55 at 12:52 PM on March 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
Consider that some part of rejecting people is a way of avoiding rejection by pre-empting it. When I'm depressed, I dislike more people and dislike them more. So I avoid them. And stay depressed because I get isolated. Lots of people won't especially like you, some people will like you; you'll like some percentage of them. Make opportunities for people to come in to your life, give them a chance, and give yourself a chance.
posted by theora55 at 12:52 PM on March 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
this is a famous pop-psych tip but in spite of that I have found it to be true: being actively nice to people helps you be able to like them. works much better than letting them be nice to you and trying to force yourself to feel grateful & friendly in response.
sometimes people offer this tip in reverse, as a manipulation (to get people to like you, don’t do them favors, ask them to do favors for you). which also works unless you overdo it. but I think you are very right to identify inability to like people as a much more important problem than inability to be liked (for anyone, not just for you).
unfortunately it takes some luck or social power to find yourself in a position where you can do something meaningfully kind for someone in a personal way. but it’s not impossible to find such situations and I do find that it does work.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:07 PM on March 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
sometimes people offer this tip in reverse, as a manipulation (to get people to like you, don’t do them favors, ask them to do favors for you). which also works unless you overdo it. but I think you are very right to identify inability to like people as a much more important problem than inability to be liked (for anyone, not just for you).
unfortunately it takes some luck or social power to find yourself in a position where you can do something meaningfully kind for someone in a personal way. but it’s not impossible to find such situations and I do find that it does work.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:07 PM on March 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: being actively nice to people helps you be able to like them
This is interesting to me because I already do this as part of a general "how to be a person I like" practice, and while I find it helps me to care about people, it does not appear to have an effect on how much I enjoy interacting with them. In other words, it increases my emotional attachment, but not enjoyment or delight, which remains elusive and (I think) for me intimately tied to laughter and intellectual engagement.
posted by SmockTheSock at 7:32 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is interesting to me because I already do this as part of a general "how to be a person I like" practice, and while I find it helps me to care about people, it does not appear to have an effect on how much I enjoy interacting with them. In other words, it increases my emotional attachment, but not enjoyment or delight, which remains elusive and (I think) for me intimately tied to laughter and intellectual engagement.
posted by SmockTheSock at 7:32 AM on March 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
Adhd meetups, so everyone is excitedly monologuing over everyone else, but also understands that it wasn't meant to be rude.
Copying conversational coping tactics off other adhd people I have found to be more... Efficient? Than off neurotypicals. Eg observing the mannerisms of someone clearly adhd *and* socially charming. I'm not sure if that's still masking, but if so, it's a mask that fits better?
posted by Elysum at 5:01 AM on March 14, 2022
Copying conversational coping tactics off other adhd people I have found to be more... Efficient? Than off neurotypicals. Eg observing the mannerisms of someone clearly adhd *and* socially charming. I'm not sure if that's still masking, but if so, it's a mask that fits better?
posted by Elysum at 5:01 AM on March 14, 2022
What do you notice about people out in the street that makes you pay attention? I love seeing people who have clear joy in their clothes or sense of style, telling myself a little story about people walking with a bouquet of flowers, watching people with their dogs just so I can smile when I see the doggo look at their person and wag their tail. Are there moments like this that would make you feel good, or be practice for using the power of your atypically focused and creative/wide-ranging mind to re-imagine people as potential sources of connection or happiness? Depending on where you live, exchanging smiles with strangers can be one of the great joys of life.
What do you like about yourself? Where/doing what do you feel best? It could be affirming and scaffolding to seek out people (or places that attract people) with qualities you love about yourself, and to practice observing and appreciating them exhibiting those qualities. You are a connoisseur - you have special insider knowledge about how awesome they are. You could start by appreciating internally, but work towards leaving compliments on videos/telling people what you loved about their performance/emailing the restaurant manager/etc. Gradually, seeking out weird and fun skills or qualities to appreciate that are nothing like what you like about yourself could be fun, too.
Have you tried improv, dance, singing in a group, other physical/creative learning pursuits? Learning something new that requires connection, trust, and emotional agility can be really powerful for rejoicing in other people, and feeling the safety of happily sucking at something with other people who suck but want to have fun and improve with you at the same time. If these aren't available to you, I wonder if there are any online exquisite-corpse games - art or card exchanges might also be interesting.
(Theater was my first love: the power of mutual vulnerability is profound, and it challenges most people to surprise themselves as well as to rejoice in being surprised by others. Learning to be better at it is a fundamentally humbling experience, because focusing on being funny or compelling *yourself* is the quickest way to kill a scene. It teaches you to attend to reactions, to words and body language and facial expressions, in yourself and others, in subtle and beautiful ways. That said, if this feels like it would poke parts of you that are raw from all the masking you've had to do, it might not be fun at all.)
Volunteering is routinely recommended for people with depression - service can be another deep way to connect with the best parts of people. Even when it doesn't, it can help shore up convictions about basic human dignity: people both giving and receiving help can be assholes, but that doesn't mean that we should stop helping. Committing and continuing to help regardless of whether it nets nice feelings has been really important for my own growth.
Wishing you luck. People can be awful, but they can also be so, so great, and I hope you encounter more and more of those ones as you go forward.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:24 PM on March 21, 2022
What do you like about yourself? Where/doing what do you feel best? It could be affirming and scaffolding to seek out people (or places that attract people) with qualities you love about yourself, and to practice observing and appreciating them exhibiting those qualities. You are a connoisseur - you have special insider knowledge about how awesome they are. You could start by appreciating internally, but work towards leaving compliments on videos/telling people what you loved about their performance/emailing the restaurant manager/etc. Gradually, seeking out weird and fun skills or qualities to appreciate that are nothing like what you like about yourself could be fun, too.
Have you tried improv, dance, singing in a group, other physical/creative learning pursuits? Learning something new that requires connection, trust, and emotional agility can be really powerful for rejoicing in other people, and feeling the safety of happily sucking at something with other people who suck but want to have fun and improve with you at the same time. If these aren't available to you, I wonder if there are any online exquisite-corpse games - art or card exchanges might also be interesting.
(Theater was my first love: the power of mutual vulnerability is profound, and it challenges most people to surprise themselves as well as to rejoice in being surprised by others. Learning to be better at it is a fundamentally humbling experience, because focusing on being funny or compelling *yourself* is the quickest way to kill a scene. It teaches you to attend to reactions, to words and body language and facial expressions, in yourself and others, in subtle and beautiful ways. That said, if this feels like it would poke parts of you that are raw from all the masking you've had to do, it might not be fun at all.)
Volunteering is routinely recommended for people with depression - service can be another deep way to connect with the best parts of people. Even when it doesn't, it can help shore up convictions about basic human dignity: people both giving and receiving help can be assholes, but that doesn't mean that we should stop helping. Committing and continuing to help regardless of whether it nets nice feelings has been really important for my own growth.
Wishing you luck. People can be awful, but they can also be so, so great, and I hope you encounter more and more of those ones as you go forward.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:24 PM on March 21, 2022
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posted by SmockTheSock at 5:41 AM on March 9, 2022