Can I kill somebody with a sock and a hockey ball?
February 22, 2022 11:07 PM Subscribe
Writing research! My character, a trained assassin, modern day, needs to assemble a self defence weapon out of household objects. She would prefer to disable, not to kill, but she's pretty ruthless. The weapon must be something she can carry in public without attracting too much attention. She has access to a small flat filled with normal household objects, possibly a small toolbox with hammers and screwdrivers etc, but no power tools.
So far she's found the following: A wire clothes hanger, a screwdriver, hammer, pipe wrench, hockey ball, beer bottle, small kitchen knives.
Would a hockey ball in a sock make a useful weapon for her?
Or would a pipe-wrench or hammer by itself be more effective? Is there any other normal household item that she might use? There's no pepper spray or any other standard self-defence items.
Bonus question - what booby-traps might she rig to deter intruders? I'm thinking noise-makers to alert to entry, etc.
Would a hockey ball in a sock make a useful weapon for her?
Or would a pipe-wrench or hammer by itself be more effective? Is there any other normal household item that she might use? There's no pepper spray or any other standard self-defence items.
Bonus question - what booby-traps might she rig to deter intruders? I'm thinking noise-makers to alert to entry, etc.
Ultimately I think that your writing should reflect your creativity and the ideas and situations that you're most satisfied in writing. I love stories where assassins improvise and dispatch people in novel ways, but I also think that a trained assassin would generally stick the same mantra as any trained professional: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Why bother filling a sock with something to swing at someone's temple when you've got a hammer or a wrench? Your character's improvisation needs to be clearly motivated, either by a dearth of choices or a need to accomplish something specific.
So I guess what I'm saying is that you should rely more on what you think is cool and less on a crowd-sourced take on what is possible, but make sure you write your character into situations that don't make her choices seem needlessly ostentatious.
But like, kitchens are full of non-blade implements that could be used to mess someone up. A rolling pin would be good for bonking heads, a wooden spoon could be snapped and used as a shiv, a cutting board could be slammed into someone's throat...
posted by chudmonkey at 12:16 AM on February 23, 2022 [10 favorites]
So I guess what I'm saying is that you should rely more on what you think is cool and less on a crowd-sourced take on what is possible, but make sure you write your character into situations that don't make her choices seem needlessly ostentatious.
But like, kitchens are full of non-blade implements that could be used to mess someone up. A rolling pin would be good for bonking heads, a wooden spoon could be snapped and used as a shiv, a cutting board could be slammed into someone's throat...
posted by chudmonkey at 12:16 AM on February 23, 2022 [10 favorites]
Hockey puck. Unless you mean field hockey ball. Trained assassin could probably disable with their hands. Karate chop type hit. Otherwise, a whack on the head with a hammer or wrench would likely disable a would be attacker. A pen to the neck or throat would be effective too.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:25 AM on February 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:25 AM on February 23, 2022 [8 favorites]
Pretty sure you can do real damage even with small kitchen knives
There's also household chemicals - if this is self-defense and they'd rather not kill, they could probably spray some cleaning spray or whatever at their face and go from there
posted by trig at 12:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
There's also household chemicals - if this is self-defense and they'd rather not kill, they could probably spray some cleaning spray or whatever at their face and go from there
posted by trig at 12:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hit with a joint of frozen meat, a leg of lamb for example, then defrost and cook. Invite investigating officers to stay for dinner.
posted by Thella at 12:56 AM on February 23, 2022 [19 favorites]
posted by Thella at 12:56 AM on February 23, 2022 [19 favorites]
Pool balls in a sock worked pretty well for (a very young) Ray Winstone in Scum. Ball in a sock has the advantage over rolling pins and hammers in terms of concealment.
posted by biffa at 1:14 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by biffa at 1:14 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
High-alcohol aerosol fragrance plus cigarette lighter (needs two hands, but makes a great flamethrower - mispent youth).
imo your character needs something where one blow is enough, and then to get away. A hammer is good, not a beer bottle as might break and not do enough damage.
Entry question; booby traps, or a silent warning for your protagonist? Remove light bulb other side of door, move furniture to limit enemy's route and place rolling pin and any other rolling objects on floor, e.g. knife sharpener with handle removed.
posted by unearthed at 2:00 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
imo your character needs something where one blow is enough, and then to get away. A hammer is good, not a beer bottle as might break and not do enough damage.
Entry question; booby traps, or a silent warning for your protagonist? Remove light bulb other side of door, move furniture to limit enemy's route and place rolling pin and any other rolling objects on floor, e.g. knife sharpener with handle removed.
posted by unearthed at 2:00 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hockey puck. Unless you mean field hockey ball.
Yes, I meant a field hockey ball. But it's worth knowing that this confusion could arise, so thanks for the headsup.
Hiding in pockets is important, so I'm thinking something weighty but small for a kosh...
Up to now she's been forced to work with axes, now she has a choice. So I think she might like mundane household items that are not that lethal.
posted by Zumbador at 2:36 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Yes, I meant a field hockey ball. But it's worth knowing that this confusion could arise, so thanks for the headsup.
Hiding in pockets is important, so I'm thinking something weighty but small for a kosh...
Up to now she's been forced to work with axes, now she has a choice. So I think she might like mundane household items that are not that lethal.
posted by Zumbador at 2:36 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
A sock with a roll of quarters, or enough loose coins. This is possibly something she'd have seen in training.
In lieu of coins, a mass of mixed fasteners from a nut and bolt or screw assortment kit, if she doesn't want to hit them with the wrench or hammer.
A stocking would make a dandy garrotte, coins knotted in the end or not.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
In lieu of coins, a mass of mixed fasteners from a nut and bolt or screw assortment kit, if she doesn't want to hit them with the wrench or hammer.
A stocking would make a dandy garrotte, coins knotted in the end or not.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
If there's a hockey ball, I'd imagine there's a hockey stick too (and Games lessons featured dire warnings about the lethal possibilities inherent in both objects if used incorrectly), but that's certainly not pocketable, now I see your update.
Might she be able to find a paperweight? I've just weighed a couple of mine - a little metal owl barely an inch across is as heavy as a hockey ball; a standard-sized glass one is twice that; and they're extremely pocketable.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 2:53 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Might she be able to find a paperweight? I've just weighed a couple of mine - a little metal owl barely an inch across is as heavy as a hockey ball; a standard-sized glass one is twice that; and they're extremely pocketable.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 2:53 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
FWIW, Peter Quinn in Homeland used a can of sardines (sharp corners!) in a sock/pair of tights to whack someone around the face and "persuade" him to hand over his gun and it seemed pretty plausible in context. I mean, he was an assassin so he had a few ideas up his sleeve and was well-practiced at taking people out. But he was also pretty much stuck at home without access to other weapons at the time, so it made sense as an improvised weapon.
posted by penguin pie at 2:55 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 2:55 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
I see it’s noted but - could fit a field hockey ball in my winter jacket pockets but I don’t have many articles of women’s clothing that would fit one, at least without hurting and jutting out oddly, so keep that in mind. There are dresses with generous pockets but the ball would make them hang oddly. Women’s pockets aren’t designed for weight or volume, if they exist at all. The paperweight might work. A pair of scarp scissors does fit in back jeans pockets.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:43 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 3:43 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
If she's a trained assassin she should be okay with hand to hand combat as well as any sort of improvised weapons, but it also depends on what kind of enemies is she coming up against, and whether you want her to pull a Jason Bourne move.
If she can get her hands on anything concealable that's not a gun I'd go with collapsible batons, sometimes called Asps after the company that makes them, called ASP.
If she's limited to household items, there are a lot of choices depending on her carrying capacity, and intended range, and potential of destruction, as well as intention of the enemies. One would handle enemies that have orders shoot to kill and would dump a magazine on any sign of movement very differently than enemies that would be trying to take her alive or trying to recover something from the house covertly.
Keep in mind you don't need pepper-spray to burn the eyes, even spray deodorant. Almost any spray chemical will do. Or you can do a classic 007 (Sean Connery era) by combine it with a lighter to make a quick flame thrower, perhaps as a booby trap.
You can combine acid with bleach to make deadly chlorine gas, if you want to go the lethal route. And most drain cleaners are acidic. And even vinegar is acidic...
Even a simple flour bomb at the right time would allow a surprise attack and quickly disable several attackers, not to mention "Home Alone" type booby traps, depending on amount of time available.
posted by kschang at 4:23 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
If she can get her hands on anything concealable that's not a gun I'd go with collapsible batons, sometimes called Asps after the company that makes them, called ASP.
If she's limited to household items, there are a lot of choices depending on her carrying capacity, and intended range, and potential of destruction, as well as intention of the enemies. One would handle enemies that have orders shoot to kill and would dump a magazine on any sign of movement very differently than enemies that would be trying to take her alive or trying to recover something from the house covertly.
Keep in mind you don't need pepper-spray to burn the eyes, even spray deodorant. Almost any spray chemical will do. Or you can do a classic 007 (Sean Connery era) by combine it with a lighter to make a quick flame thrower, perhaps as a booby trap.
You can combine acid with bleach to make deadly chlorine gas, if you want to go the lethal route. And most drain cleaners are acidic. And even vinegar is acidic...
Even a simple flour bomb at the right time would allow a surprise attack and quickly disable several attackers, not to mention "Home Alone" type booby traps, depending on amount of time available.
posted by kschang at 4:23 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
1) fancy department store shopping bag, concealing 2) heavy implement, used to 3) whack upside the head. Heavy object can be something she finds, and returns to, the building dumpster. I know someone who was attacked in a parking lot with a 1970s-style telephone (heavy, built in hand-hold).
posted by jabah at 5:13 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jabah at 5:13 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hatpins are the classic choice here. A hatpin through the aorta discourages an attacker PDQ.
#1 Phillips head screwdriver makes a completely plausible and somewhat more ergonomic hatpin substitute; the #2 is quite a lot less pointy. Icepick or meat thermometer would be fine as well. If your assassin is super skilled, maybe she could calm an attacker down with an impromptu lobotomy.
posted by flabdablet at 5:18 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
#1 Phillips head screwdriver makes a completely plausible and somewhat more ergonomic hatpin substitute; the #2 is quite a lot less pointy. Icepick or meat thermometer would be fine as well. If your assassin is super skilled, maybe she could calm an attacker down with an impromptu lobotomy.
posted by flabdablet at 5:18 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hair sticks can also be modern hat pins, especially if they're metal and narrow. I still can't believe I get away with flying with these in my hair. A meat tenderizer hammer from the kitchen can be less conspicuous than a woodworking hammer for a woman.
If she's trying to intimidate rather than kill, there's a reason a smashed beer bottle is a classic - lots of shallow disfiguring wounds and high potential to hit an artery if you know where to aim. And for disabling people, using a weapon to threaten them to stand still long enough to be taken down in hand-to-hand or tied up is safer than trying to attack with something and keep the damage non-lethal but disabling.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 5:55 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
If she's trying to intimidate rather than kill, there's a reason a smashed beer bottle is a classic - lots of shallow disfiguring wounds and high potential to hit an artery if you know where to aim. And for disabling people, using a weapon to threaten them to stand still long enough to be taken down in hand-to-hand or tied up is safer than trying to attack with something and keep the damage non-lethal but disabling.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 5:55 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hair sticks can also be modern hat pins, especially if they're metal and narrow. I still can't believe I get away with flying with these in my hair.
If the making part is important to the plot, perhaps sharpening a few metal hair sticks using a knife sharpening stone from the kitchen drawer?
posted by flabdablet at 5:59 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
If the making part is important to the plot, perhaps sharpening a few metal hair sticks using a knife sharpening stone from the kitchen drawer?
posted by flabdablet at 5:59 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
A very simple booby trap that could plausibly work against night intruders: remove a floorboard or two from a darkish hallway, and lay a small runner rug over the gap.
posted by flabdablet at 6:02 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 6:02 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
What about some string/fishing line and strangulation? Seems easier to conceal and more plausible deniability than a ball in a sock
posted by raccoon409 at 6:03 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 6:03 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Booby trap applications too! I'm thinking a thin wire could be strung across a hallway at neck level, possibly rigged to pull something down with an enormous clatter if it doesn't actually manage to cut the intruder's throat. Put it right after the missing floorboard for maximum chance of a neck encountering it at speed.
posted by flabdablet at 6:05 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 6:05 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
A sock with a roll of quarters, or enough loose coins. This is possibly something she'd have seen in training.
This was used to great effect in the "Patriot" TV show (streams on Amazon Prime, darkly funny), where one character knew how many US quarters in a sock would work to knock someone out without killing them - but when he went to Europe and got a bunch of coins of some demonination, he could tell that the weight was off, so he wasn't sure of the result... Very funny (god, I miss that show)
posted by rozcakj at 6:18 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
This was used to great effect in the "Patriot" TV show (streams on Amazon Prime, darkly funny), where one character knew how many US quarters in a sock would work to knock someone out without killing them - but when he went to Europe and got a bunch of coins of some demonination, he could tell that the weight was off, so he wasn't sure of the result... Very funny (god, I miss that show)
posted by rozcakj at 6:18 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
Ethernet cable in a laptop bag for strangling, or use the power cable. Wipe clean after, of course. The battery from a laptop would make a pretty good cudgel. You could probably hide a thin piece of sharp metal in a laptop's screen bezel.
posted by theora55 at 6:33 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 6:33 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Are you going for realistic? I mean, most of the things that people have listed would not directly kill anyone without an amazing amount of luck involved or a boatload of blows.
Most movie kills and weapons serve the plot, they are not meant to be realistic.
So no, a field hockey ball in a sock would not kill a person. But if you need it to in a story, then yes it would.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:52 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Most movie kills and weapons serve the plot, they are not meant to be realistic.
So no, a field hockey ball in a sock would not kill a person. But if you need it to in a story, then yes it would.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:52 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
The_Vegetables post sent me looking for whether you could beat someone to death with a ball in a sock. Turns out people have been beaten to death (if not a pulp) with soap, a padlock or a tuna can. See google search here, obviously unpleasant. Once someone is insensible you can also stick a sock down their throat far enough to suffocate them.
Film wise, if someone is tied up, emptying a standard tube of spray deodorant down their throat is used to kill someone in The Last Seduction. Not sure how feasible that would be in real life.
posted by biffa at 8:03 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Film wise, if someone is tied up, emptying a standard tube of spray deodorant down their throat is used to kill someone in The Last Seduction. Not sure how feasible that would be in real life.
posted by biffa at 8:03 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Turns out people have been beaten to death (if not a pulp) with soap
Yes, you can kill someone with a spoon if you have time. The sock/soap one involved a beating that supposedly lasted 10 minutes. Even 1/3 of that time would be a long time to beat someone, and if the opponent is also moderately trained, the first blows may not provide enough damage to incapacitate them.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:11 AM on February 23, 2022
Yes, you can kill someone with a spoon if you have time. The sock/soap one involved a beating that supposedly lasted 10 minutes. Even 1/3 of that time would be a long time to beat someone, and if the opponent is also moderately trained, the first blows may not provide enough damage to incapacitate them.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:11 AM on February 23, 2022
Absolutely. Though judging from the number of broken noses and traumatic head injuries around me during my brief high school career as a field hockey player, if you've also got a field stick around, you definitely have a plausible murder weapon
posted by thivaia at 8:24 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by thivaia at 8:24 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
scariest items in my kitchen, bar the knives, are the turkey lifting forks. You write a scene where she holds the bad guy down with one of those into his neck and then clubs him over the head with a marble rolling pin, I'ma buy your book.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:30 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:30 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
The excellently titled Sports Ball Weight Comparison page lists a field hockey ball as roughly similar in size and weight to a baseball. People have been killed by a baseball pitch but it is thankfully very rare and requires hitting someone in the head in the right place with the right force.
But as others have said, this is fiction so you only need plausibility.
posted by mmascolino at 8:33 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
But as others have said, this is fiction so you only need plausibility.
posted by mmascolino at 8:33 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
If Mafia movies taught me anything, it's that catching someone by suprise and strangling them with a cord is a tried and true murder technique.
posted by emd3737 at 8:57 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by emd3737 at 8:57 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
You can do a lot with a long, thin iron crowbar, and I think people can still diy a really effective slingshot.
posted by firstdaffodils at 9:13 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by firstdaffodils at 9:13 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Flat-bladed screwdrivers were the deniable weapon of choice in the Paisley gang wars of the early 1990s. There were fatalities.
posted by scruss at 9:19 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by scruss at 9:19 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
if someone is tied up, emptying a standard tube of spray deodorant down their throat is used to kill someone in The Last Seduction. Not sure how feasible that would be in real life.
The final episode of No Offence season 1 has one of the central villain's victims dispatch him by sticking the applicator tube of a can of expanding foam sealant down his throat and filling his mouth and quite possibly his lungs with it while he's tied up on the floor and incapable of resisting. Comes out his nose and everything. Looks horribly feasible.
posted by flabdablet at 10:27 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
The final episode of No Offence season 1 has one of the central villain's victims dispatch him by sticking the applicator tube of a can of expanding foam sealant down his throat and filling his mouth and quite possibly his lungs with it while he's tied up on the floor and incapable of resisting. Comes out his nose and everything. Looks horribly feasible.
posted by flabdablet at 10:27 AM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
As hinted, people are both more fragile and more difficult to actually kill than usually depicted in fiction.
Hitting someone hard enough to knock them out may well permanently disable them. Head wounds in general are extremely unpredictable. Some people will be taken out completely by the shock of being punched in the face or at the sight of blood; people who have been in fights before may very well just power through. Stabbing someone is harder than it sounds and won't necessarily stop them.
Writers who work in that sort of detail are often quite fun to read, even at the Jack Reacher level where the included details are themselves sort of ridiculous.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:46 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hitting someone hard enough to knock them out may well permanently disable them. Head wounds in general are extremely unpredictable. Some people will be taken out completely by the shock of being punched in the face or at the sight of blood; people who have been in fights before may very well just power through. Stabbing someone is harder than it sounds and won't necessarily stop them.
Writers who work in that sort of detail are often quite fun to read, even at the Jack Reacher level where the included details are themselves sort of ridiculous.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:46 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Yes, I meant a field hockey ball.
Just a note that in Canada anyhow, a "hockey ball" is in itself ambiguous and most people would think of one of these hard and light objects.
For self defence I would think the longer the reach the better. A field hockey ball in a very long sock or pair of tights might work. Or may I suggest that a pair of panty hose with a field hockey ball in each foot would make an effective bola.
Aim for the knees, the victim is tangled and falls over, and your assassin then finishes the job (if necessary) with a hat pin mounted with duct tape on the tip of a field hockey stick to the carotid, or the eye, depending.
posted by Rumple at 10:51 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just a note that in Canada anyhow, a "hockey ball" is in itself ambiguous and most people would think of one of these hard and light objects.
For self defence I would think the longer the reach the better. A field hockey ball in a very long sock or pair of tights might work. Or may I suggest that a pair of panty hose with a field hockey ball in each foot would make an effective bola.
Aim for the knees, the victim is tangled and falls over, and your assassin then finishes the job (if necessary) with a hat pin mounted with duct tape on the tip of a field hockey stick to the carotid, or the eye, depending.
posted by Rumple at 10:51 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
A lot of expensive eye creams come in small pots made of very thick glass - while few women are likely to carry one in a pocket, having one in a large purse with a spare pair of trouser socks would not seem at all out of the ordinary.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:56 PM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:56 PM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
What about a pretty water bottle? Something like this? I have a similar one (750ml, so not one of the tiny ones) - it's metal inside and out. I just went and filled it with water and weighed it, and it came in at 790 grams (1.74 pounds).
Bonus - it's already cosh-shaped!! And a pretty floral one is not going to look too out of place even if your character isn't in active-wear. Fill it full of coffee and she can have a break after murdering/interrogating her person!
posted by ninazer0 at 3:48 PM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Bonus - it's already cosh-shaped!! And a pretty floral one is not going to look too out of place even if your character isn't in active-wear. Fill it full of coffee and she can have a break after murdering/interrogating her person!
posted by ninazer0 at 3:48 PM on February 23, 2022 [3 favorites]
Yes, you can kill someone with a spoon if you have time.
It helps if you’re an immortal sprit with a lot of time (and a spoon) on your hands.
posted by notoriety public at 6:35 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
It helps if you’re an immortal sprit with a lot of time (and a spoon) on your hands.
posted by notoriety public at 6:35 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Any glass or stone or metal paperweight or similarly sized art object can put a hurtin' on somebody when swung in a sock if your assassin is determined. A plumb-bob could make an okay rope dart in a pinch if you're after smacking your opponent instead of stabbing them. A padlock on the end of a length of chain could be pretty nasty, too.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:38 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:38 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
A wire clothes hanger, a screwdriver, hammer, pipe wrench, hockey ball, beer bottle, small kitchen knives.
Would a hockey ball in a sock make a useful weapon for her?
I mean
much, much much less useful than every single other object on that list but sure
if you want to force her to be creative, why give her all the extremely obvious things & make her pass them over? makes her seem a little dim unless she is in it for the DIY & not the violence. don't make her do a whole summer-camp craft project when the stabby screwdriver's right there, unless that is her whole fun-loving deal as a person.
you can kill someone easier with all the other things on the list (if she is a party assassin she will want to drink the beer first & then break the bottle for a sharp edge; if she is a no-nonsense get-it-done type she can just apply the hammer to a head)
you can also disable a person easy with the same objects, but you don't specify whether you mean permanently or no, or whether she needs them to recover & be useful to her later. so like
she could cut a guy's tendons with the kitchen knife so he couldn't follow her & he'd be mentally intact later, long as he didn't bleed out. or she could whack him on the head with the wrench and he'd be physically fine later except maybe a little permanent brain injury. why's she want to disable the person, what is the purpose of doing that? the answer ought to dictate the form of attack.
(you probably don't need to be told this but you can also assume that if she's focused enough to get through hollywood upstairs assassin college, she's bright enough to wear a jacket to work whose pockets are capacious enough to hold a variety of murder toys, female though she be. sheesh)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:28 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Would a hockey ball in a sock make a useful weapon for her?
I mean
much, much much less useful than every single other object on that list but sure
if you want to force her to be creative, why give her all the extremely obvious things & make her pass them over? makes her seem a little dim unless she is in it for the DIY & not the violence. don't make her do a whole summer-camp craft project when the stabby screwdriver's right there, unless that is her whole fun-loving deal as a person.
you can kill someone easier with all the other things on the list (if she is a party assassin she will want to drink the beer first & then break the bottle for a sharp edge; if she is a no-nonsense get-it-done type she can just apply the hammer to a head)
you can also disable a person easy with the same objects, but you don't specify whether you mean permanently or no, or whether she needs them to recover & be useful to her later. so like
she could cut a guy's tendons with the kitchen knife so he couldn't follow her & he'd be mentally intact later, long as he didn't bleed out. or she could whack him on the head with the wrench and he'd be physically fine later except maybe a little permanent brain injury. why's she want to disable the person, what is the purpose of doing that? the answer ought to dictate the form of attack.
(you probably don't need to be told this but you can also assume that if she's focused enough to get through hollywood upstairs assassin college, she's bright enough to wear a jacket to work whose pockets are capacious enough to hold a variety of murder toys, female though she be. sheesh)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:28 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
A floor hockey or street hockey ball is an orange, hollow, hard rubber ball, the size of a small orange. A hockey puck is a flat disc of solid hard rubber about the size of an english muffin.
They both hurt a lot if someone hits you, and you could certainly lose teeth to a good hit from a hockey puck, but a single hit from a fast-moving puck generally isn't fatal. Being bludgeoned with one in a sock would hurt a lot, but would not be an efficient way to kill someone. Hockey players do get hit with them fairly often in casual games, whacked at fast speed, and rarely die.
A hockey puck or ball in a sock would be less dangerous than a similarly sized non-yeilding object like a rock or pool ball or even a baseball in a sock.
A tightly-rolled thick magazine makes a decent bat for hitting heads or shins. Not super pratical but they are very hard when rolled, and then innocuous when not-rolled.
A full can of pop is good too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:46 PM on February 23, 2022
They both hurt a lot if someone hits you, and you could certainly lose teeth to a good hit from a hockey puck, but a single hit from a fast-moving puck generally isn't fatal. Being bludgeoned with one in a sock would hurt a lot, but would not be an efficient way to kill someone. Hockey players do get hit with them fairly often in casual games, whacked at fast speed, and rarely die.
A hockey puck or ball in a sock would be less dangerous than a similarly sized non-yeilding object like a rock or pool ball or even a baseball in a sock.
A tightly-rolled thick magazine makes a decent bat for hitting heads or shins. Not super pratical but they are very hard when rolled, and then innocuous when not-rolled.
A full can of pop is good too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:46 PM on February 23, 2022
Response by poster: if you want to force her to be creative, why give her all the extremely obvious things & make her pass them over? makes her seem a little dim unless she is in it for the DIY & not the violence.
This... is a very good point. Now I'm thinking that I can have the flat's owner (very much not a trained assassin) suggest the silly solutions.
I didn't want to make my question too long, but about the lack of a practical jacket or coat that no self respecting assassin would be without: She has one, but she's been suddenly transported (did I mention this is a contemporary fantasy and magic is a thing?) to South Africa where walking around in a big winter coat is attracting too much attention.
She's a big woman and the flat's owner's clothes don't fit her. She's wearing a Tshirt and sweat pants, both a bit small for her.
Now I've got a slightly different question to answer, what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest? She's a book loving fantasy reader with absolutely zero experience about fighting or killing except what she's seen in films or read about.
Some of the awesome answers I've got here already are going to be pretty useful!
posted by Zumbador at 8:36 PM on February 23, 2022
This... is a very good point. Now I'm thinking that I can have the flat's owner (very much not a trained assassin) suggest the silly solutions.
I didn't want to make my question too long, but about the lack of a practical jacket or coat that no self respecting assassin would be without: She has one, but she's been suddenly transported (did I mention this is a contemporary fantasy and magic is a thing?) to South Africa where walking around in a big winter coat is attracting too much attention.
She's a big woman and the flat's owner's clothes don't fit her. She's wearing a Tshirt and sweat pants, both a bit small for her.
Now I've got a slightly different question to answer, what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest? She's a book loving fantasy reader with absolutely zero experience about fighting or killing except what she's seen in films or read about.
Some of the awesome answers I've got here already are going to be pretty useful!
posted by Zumbador at 8:36 PM on February 23, 2022
what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest?
Any of the local poisonous arthropods or reptiles would be a good start.
posted by flabdablet at 11:33 PM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
Any of the local poisonous arthropods or reptiles would be a good start.
posted by flabdablet at 11:33 PM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest?
A display assegai mounted on the wall, maybe? Or a Mambele?
posted by kschang at 12:37 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
A display assegai mounted on the wall, maybe? Or a Mambele?
posted by kschang at 12:37 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest?
Definitely the venomous beasties: send one in a package! Introduce one through an open window or a ventilation duct! Slip one into their bag or pocket! Smear honey on them to make them irresistible to bees!
"You could lay a trap! Here, I have hand lotion, you could spread it on the stairs and they'd fall!"
"Even a jam sandwich is lethal if you drop it from high enough, right? What if you waited on top of the building and dropped this hockey ball on them?"
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 1:32 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Definitely the venomous beasties: send one in a package! Introduce one through an open window or a ventilation duct! Slip one into their bag or pocket! Smear honey on them to make them irresistible to bees!
"You could lay a trap! Here, I have hand lotion, you could spread it on the stairs and they'd fall!"
"Even a jam sandwich is lethal if you drop it from high enough, right? What if you waited on top of the building and dropped this hockey ball on them?"
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 1:32 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest?
If she's read The Postman Always Rings Twice she might suggest a flour sack filled with ball bearings.
posted by phunniemee at 6:58 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
If she's read The Postman Always Rings Twice she might suggest a flour sack filled with ball bearings.
posted by phunniemee at 6:58 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Googling "cookware south africa traditional" brings up short-legged cast iron pots called by some but probably not all people "potjie". (I'd check the language and usage there. )
Which is the sort of thing that could clutter up a flat, and then not get used, since the flat owner lives in a flat and has a stovetop.
Maybe a cricket ball or cricket bat?
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:05 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Which is the sort of thing that could clutter up a flat, and then not get used, since the flat owner lives in a flat and has a stovetop.
Maybe a cricket ball or cricket bat?
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:05 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Maybe a traditional mortar and pestle repurposed as a bohemian-chic umbrella stand, entryway clutter?
>Bonus question - what booby-traps might she rig to deter intruders? I'm thinking noise-makers to alert to entry, etc.
Assuming competence, a smart phone home security/motion detection app?
Or a stack of cups or coins, set on a ruler stuck between the top of the door and the head/casing of the doorframe?
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:36 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
>Bonus question - what booby-traps might she rig to deter intruders? I'm thinking noise-makers to alert to entry, etc.
Assuming competence, a smart phone home security/motion detection app?
Or a stack of cups or coins, set on a ruler stuck between the top of the door and the head/casing of the doorframe?
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:36 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
what ridiculous, impractical weapon solutions might the flat's owner suggest?
The London Bridge terrorist was foiled in part by a South African man wielding a narwhal tusk.
I only mention this in case the notion of your art imitating life concerns you.
posted by Rumple at 9:56 AM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
The London Bridge terrorist was foiled in part by a South African man wielding a narwhal tusk.
I only mention this in case the notion of your art imitating life concerns you.
posted by Rumple at 9:56 AM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: 1) have her notice a steel-framed skyscraper being built
2) have her retrieve the nut from an A325 or A490 bolted assembly (these will be everywhere on-site, and can be removed by hand IF the assembly has not already been made tight; this can be a plot point, as a fully-tightened joint assembly will be impervious to nut removal by hand.) Also, if erection is ongoing there will be literal drums full of nuts, bolts, and washers on the site. In some cases these assemblies (bolt, washer, nut) will have been pre-assembled and placed in the drums by the supplier to simplify joint assembly (this reduces the likelihood of putting the wrong parts together by idiot assemblers, which in most cases is unlikely but which is some cases is worth guarding against).
2b) if you care, the correct designation would be an A563 Grade D, DH, DH3 or C nut. Or, more esoterically, an A194 2H. They have specific, and simple, surface markings you can have the protagonist look for (see relevant ASTM standards). The full answer is more complex than that, but for brevity this'll work.
3) have her either use the nut as improvised brass knuckles (given sufficient size to fit a finger through, which in most cases will be trivially found, but you would not be able to fit nuts on every finger as they're quite thick, only a couple fingers could have nuts on them, given the choice myself I'd put a single one on my index finger) or place the nut in a bag/sock and strike the opponent near the temple.
4) more simply, a structural bolt of sufficient length can be used as a type of hammer to crack skulls (grab in fist, strike with protruding element). These are large, heavy, and very very hard objects.
...I possess a number of structural steel nuts from my past life; if I threw one of these at your head with my full strength you would be permanently damaged or killed and, as an added bonus, they're very hard so can be used to crack other materials (eg, in an escape situation). If I hit you with one in a sock you will definitely be killed; perhaps not immediately but you will have a skull fracture with surface and internal bleeding and will die without fairly rapid medical attention.
Also, many normal people now possess nail guns. Having a nail driven into your skull will not usually kill you, but several of them will, and even cordless nail guns can fire pretty rapidly these days (barring modification, they need to be placed in firm contact with something or they will not fire, so you have to be in close range unless you want her to adjust the safety mechanism).
posted by aramaic at 7:51 PM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
2) have her retrieve the nut from an A325 or A490 bolted assembly (these will be everywhere on-site, and can be removed by hand IF the assembly has not already been made tight; this can be a plot point, as a fully-tightened joint assembly will be impervious to nut removal by hand.) Also, if erection is ongoing there will be literal drums full of nuts, bolts, and washers on the site. In some cases these assemblies (bolt, washer, nut) will have been pre-assembled and placed in the drums by the supplier to simplify joint assembly (this reduces the likelihood of putting the wrong parts together by idiot assemblers, which in most cases is unlikely but which is some cases is worth guarding against).
2b) if you care, the correct designation would be an A563 Grade D, DH, DH3 or C nut. Or, more esoterically, an A194 2H. They have specific, and simple, surface markings you can have the protagonist look for (see relevant ASTM standards). The full answer is more complex than that, but for brevity this'll work.
3) have her either use the nut as improvised brass knuckles (given sufficient size to fit a finger through, which in most cases will be trivially found, but you would not be able to fit nuts on every finger as they're quite thick, only a couple fingers could have nuts on them, given the choice myself I'd put a single one on my index finger) or place the nut in a bag/sock and strike the opponent near the temple.
4) more simply, a structural bolt of sufficient length can be used as a type of hammer to crack skulls (grab in fist, strike with protruding element). These are large, heavy, and very very hard objects.
...I possess a number of structural steel nuts from my past life; if I threw one of these at your head with my full strength you would be permanently damaged or killed and, as an added bonus, they're very hard so can be used to crack other materials (eg, in an escape situation). If I hit you with one in a sock you will definitely be killed; perhaps not immediately but you will have a skull fracture with surface and internal bleeding and will die without fairly rapid medical attention.
Also, many normal people now possess nail guns. Having a nail driven into your skull will not usually kill you, but several of them will, and even cordless nail guns can fire pretty rapidly these days (barring modification, they need to be placed in firm contact with something or they will not fire, so you have to be in close range unless you want her to adjust the safety mechanism).
posted by aramaic at 7:51 PM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Not to threadsit, but, what an awesome comment, aramaic!
posted by Zumbador at 8:02 PM on February 26, 2022
posted by Zumbador at 8:02 PM on February 26, 2022
Modern kitchen knives, especially cheap mass produced ones, are fukken terrible weapons. They're thin, so they bend or snap if they hit resistance, they're poorly weighted and they are designed with one cutting edge only. They may well lose their handles if one attempts to pull them out of a tight wound, too. Depending on where your assassin is from, she may well look at well meaning flat owner's suggestion to use a kitchen knife with rather a lot of disgust.
posted by Jilder at 9:03 PM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Jilder at 9:03 PM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
Cast iron frying pans, though... whole other thing. I would not like to be on the receiving end of one of those, skilfully swung edge-on.
posted by flabdablet at 4:54 AM on February 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 4:54 AM on February 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by phunniemee at 11:46 PM on February 22, 2022 [4 favorites]