Is a one-year olds birthday a big deal?

January 16, 2022 8:47 PM

At odds with my co-parent over inviting family over for my son's first birthday.

I have two sons with my ex (CP) now co-parent. Our youngest son will turn one this month.

We have 50/50 custody but the kids have been with me full-time since September. Because of that I asked CP if he plans for our sons birthday. I let him know that I didn't have any big plan but just wanted to know if he wanted to pick him up or take him to visit family. CP Says he doesn't know what hes planning on doing yet and that he'll get back to me

FWIW, I plan on getting some gifts and a little cake for my son but that's it. No party or people over especially given covid. His birthday falls during the week but I'm flexible about what day we celebrate.

CP calls today and wants to talk about the Talk about the plans for the birthday. I tell him once again I don't have plans probably just picking a few gifts cut some cake, but if he would like to we'd like to pick up our son and take him out or take him to his family then that's fine and I can move my days around.

CP starts to get annoyed then ask whether or not he thinks we should do more to celebrate our son's birthday.. I know from our older son's the birthday that most babies don't really care about their 1st birthday and don't remember it.

CP States that since he assumes my family will be coming over whenever there's cake fithere's cake that he would just like to be able to have his family come over as well. I don't want to have anybody over . My older son's 3rd birthday was last month and we had a party and had everyone over and it was fine. But with covid cases spiking I'm not willing to do it again.. In addition I don't want to plan anything cooking any food, none of the stuff that's required for a party. And lastly I'm a bit tired and burnt out at the moment . I spent most of December sick and since I have my kids whole time spent a decent amount of time caring for them when they were sick while I was sick too. Is this in addition to working full time and just some of the normal tasks associated with single parenting And I really would prefer a low key birthday celebration. If our son was older I would play in a party but hes turning one.

CP It's pretty upset about this and doesn't understand why can't just let his family come over come over. I feel like if he wants to have an event then he can do it at his place or take our son to visit them. We have 50/50 custody he can use it if he wants, he doesn't need me to celebrate our son's birthday. Plus he didn't really help with any of the planning or set up for birthday party before so I can't imagine he'd be helpful now.

He was upset enough that he hung up on me is the hung up on me. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am, however, maybe we should be trying to do something more do something more collaboratively as coparents?

posted by CosmicSeeker42 to Human Relations (22 answers total)

It seems like he somehow convinced himself that you're throwing a party his family isn't invited to? And he's now mad about this nonexistent party? That's pretty bizarre. Maybe you should clarify in writing that there will be no gathering this time due to Covid? Is this business of making things up that he doesn't like and then getting mad about it a habit of his?
posted by bleep at 8:55 PM on January 16, 2022 [9 favorites]

I agree that a child's first birthday is generally no big deal unless there's a special cultural significance or a family member (parent, grandparent, sibling, etc.) wants to do something extra special. I agree with you that he can and should take over planning should he wish to have a bigger celebration. I also agree that this is the not the time for it with COVID numbers up again. I think it's good that you are willing to let him do what feels right but also unwilling to take over planning something that makes you feel comfortable.

It sounds like your ex is either clueless or very entitled when it comes to the emotional labor of these events. Or that he purposely is trying to punish you. Or maybe feels like a bad parent if he doesn't do more and/or it isn't a collaborative celebration. You know best. I'm sorry it's another frustration on your plate!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:56 PM on January 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

You are being completely reasonable. Your ex sounds like he's trying to use guilt (CP starts to get annoyed then ask whether or not he thinks we should do more to celebrate our son's birthday..) to get you to throw his family a party. There's no we in this situation. If he wants to do more, he needs to manage that with his family. Hold your ground.
posted by skunk pig at 9:09 PM on January 16, 2022 [14 favorites]

We don't do collaborative birthday parties. But I am the stepparent and this was set long before I was on the scene. Each parent celebrates their way. If this means the kids get two cakes, two special dinners etc, so be it. I have long been of the mind that very young children don't need a big birthday party (sometimes their parents want to celebrate their own survival!!) and especially right now, nobody needs a big party. If you both wanted to do a collaborative thing (and some co-parents do), that would be fine, but if you don't, that is also fine and well within the bounds of normal co-parenting. There are some things you have to cooperate on for the sake of the kids, but a one year old birthday party isn't one of those things.
posted by AnnaRat at 9:19 PM on January 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

no mystery here. entitled man-baby is trying to make you host his family. probably his family is whining about celebrating the kid's birthday and he's too lazy to organize an event for it himself.

no, one year olds don't need birthday parties. no, you shouldn't let yourself feel pressured into hosting people when you're not comfortable doing so, for any reason. no, you aren't on the hook to throw parties for your ex's family.

sorry your ex sucks so much. hold your ground. the more you give into stuff like this the harder it will be to extricate yourself.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:21 PM on January 16, 2022 [34 favorites]

Sometimes the first birthday important to some people- culturally, religiously, etc. (I think it could be cultural memory from when so many little ones didn't make it past the first year)

Is he cranky at you because you're not planning a big party for a significant event?

Is he thinking you're going to do a significant party without him?

You're totally reasonable for not wanting to have a party, he can organise one if he wants one.
posted by freethefeet at 9:23 PM on January 16, 2022 [1 favorite]

No. The child will have no memory of this. Does anything else matter? If yes, then why?
posted by Windopaene at 9:42 PM on January 16, 2022 [1 favorite]

We don't really do first birthday parties in my family or social circle. You get a picture of the kid sitting behind the small cake you had for dessert at supper that night, stick it in the album, and that's about it. But even if it was usually a thing? It wouldn't be a thing right now until the pandemic was a lot more over.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:01 PM on January 16, 2022 [4 favorites]

My daughter's first birthday was important for us as parents to celebrate getting through a year of learning how to be a parent. She is now four and has no memory of the event, and was pretty unhappy with the candles.

We didn't do a birthday party for my son when he turned one (due to covid). Neither kid (now four and two) got a party this year, again, due to covid.
posted by kdar at 10:25 PM on January 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

Your kid’s future self might care about whether the people around them thought the first birthday was special. So I think a picture showing that in some way is important. Agree that maybe waiting until case numbers go down (which they’re said to) would be wise for any kind of gathering at all (does it make sense to widen the bubble at all right now, given your kid is unvaxxed? Idk, people have different risk tolerances.)

Going forward - two birthdays, swap years for the actual birthday so one parent doesn’t feel dissed and get resentful (which might make things harder on the children), and so the kid understands that both parents love them.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:54 PM on January 16, 2022

Babies do not care about birthdays at all. A smash cake with photos is fun for the sibling and parents to a limited degree. If he wants a party so bad, he can organise it on his custody days. It’s very common to schedule the party at a more convenient day near the actual birthday.

I alternate birthday parties with my ex so that the kids friends go to one party rather than the hassle of organising two parties and having people have to pick which parents party to attend. Usually there are family dinners on the alternate non-party dinner. Also the cost - birthday parties can be expensive!
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:02 AM on January 17, 2022 [2 favorites]

I don’t think this is about cultural significance for your ex or about him thinking that you’re throwing a party and not inviting him. I think your ex is an entitled ass who wants a birthday party for his kid that he can invite his family to but is too lazy to do it himself.

I would absolutely put my foot down and tell your ex in no uncertain terms that if he wants this he can throw one himself. Otherwise if you fall for it once you have another 17 years of coparenting where he will be trying this crap on you. The beauty of being divorced is that you don’t have to do things like this for him anymore! Say no and revel in it…
posted by Jubey at 3:01 AM on January 17, 2022 [22 favorites]

Yeah, this just sounds like CP wants you to be his free-of-charge party organiser, nothing else. Tell him that if he wants to throw the kid a party, he can go for it.
posted by penguin pie at 3:40 AM on January 17, 2022 [5 favorites]

I feel like if he wants to have an event then he can do it at his place or take our son to visit them. We have 50/50 custody he can use it if he wants, he doesn't need me to celebrate our son's birthday.

As a parent who has also had to negotiate these things, I absolutely agree with you. Your position is very reasonable and more than generous enough under the circumstances. If CP thinks a party is important and you don't then they need to organise it. I often see a lot of grey in interpersonal relationship issues, but this strikes me as clear and uncontroversial.

I spent most of December sick and since I have my kids whole time spent a decent amount of time caring for them when they were sick while I was sick too. Is this in addition to working full time and…

This is huge. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all that. It's very tough on your own. And now this. And you still offer CP generosity and goodwill. You're doing a really impressive job under difficult circumstances. I really hope you're able to get some support too. Good luck!
posted by mewsic at 3:48 AM on January 17, 2022 [9 favorites]

There's no hard and fast "rule" for whether the first birthday is a big thing or not.

We had a smallish pizza party for grandparents and a few friends, that's as much as I wanted to plan or budget for. Other people I know had big to-dos.

CP somehow got an idea in his head about throwing a party. Perhaps other members of his family are asking about it, or maybe he has some impression that there's a party in the works that he's not invited to and he feels left out.

He got the wrong end of the stick. But that doesn't mean you need to pick up the stick like it's a baton in a relay race. You don't work for him and he's being unreasonable.

"I am just doing X, I am not planning a party. If you want to do a party, we can discuss that, but I'm not doing the planning."
posted by champers at 4:27 AM on January 17, 2022

The first doesn't matter to the baby, but it matters to others, especially grandparents in my experience. I think nothing stupider than having a huge to-do for the blob that can't even form concepts but it turns out a lot of people expect it. They want pictures to show the kid later and say look at you, still not old enough to chew and swallow cake. They want to initiate the kid in the mysteries of the American birthday party. Normally I'd say think it over, since the birthday isn't about the kid but about the relatives, but with covid I'd stand my ground, if he wants to throw a party he can do so during his custody, it doesn't have to be on the actual day. And he can keep the diapers someone gives him as a gift.
posted by dis_integration at 5:55 AM on January 17, 2022 [2 favorites]

Kids don't remember their birthdays until much later in childhood, mark the occasion however feels good to you. My one year old's birthday wasn't even cake it was a donut.

It sounds like you know what you want to do and your limits right now. Your ex wants to be able to enjoy a birthday celebration with his parents (maybe it's them pushing for/expecting something?) without any of them doing any work. Honestly, the fucking nerve of him to expect that from you when you've been single-parenting for months in a pandemic. If it were me I'd keep him out of my house as much as possible going forward. Co-parenting doesn't mean you have to share everything forever.

If you're truly amenable to a shared birthday celebration in the future (and he absolutely has no right to expect that he and his parents are welcome just because your parents are attending, no, no, no, set that boundary now), an activity-based, time-limited party where everyone is invited (think museum, arcade, kid's adventure place) and you just have to show up is my suggestion.
posted by lafemma at 11:26 AM on January 17, 2022 [2 favorites]

I don't think 1st birthdays are that important because 1 year olds have no idea what's happening and will not remember or appreciate all the planning that goes into it.

However, so many of my friends all think 1st birthdays are the most important, and lately there's so much pressure to do the perfect cake smash session with a professional photographers, to have a theme, etc, etc.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 2:22 PM on January 17, 2022

As a grandparent I’ve been to several first birthdays. I’d be perfectly happy getting a video of whatever happened (by the way, I recommend spaghetti instead of cake—much funnier mess-wise). No child will remember what happened at their first birthday, but they all enjoy seeing photos of their “performance.” Note that a photo only requires one person to operate the camera.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:22 PM on January 17, 2022 [2 favorites]

He's mad that you don't want a party, and therefore don't want to plan, purchase, cook, clean, host a party? Would you feel okay if he hosted a party and had family there? Then that's his option.
posted by theora55 at 7:00 PM on January 17, 2022 [3 favorites]

Wait, what? Why have you been the full time parent if you legally have 50/50 custody? I just can't get past that, it seems so egregious. What the fuck.
posted by MiraK at 12:24 PM on January 18, 2022 [3 favorites]

> Why have you been the full time parent if you legally have 50/50 custody?

So he doesn't have to pay as much child support, I bet.

Since you asked: both my kids had parties for their first birthdays, but they were about us (the parents) and our friends and relatives. Celebrating that the kid made it through the first year, basically, and also a chance to see friends we'd neglected in all the chaos of babyhood. But I don't think that that matters to your co-parent; first birthday parties could still be incredibly rare and he'd still be acting like this.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:02 PM on January 24, 2022