How do I work with a two-faced, bullying manager who ignores me?
January 16, 2022 6:06 PM Subscribe
The manager that I work with is giving me the cold shoulder. Every time I try to talk to him, he pretends that I'm not there. If I need help finding something, he'll just sit there and says he doesn't know. He's only acting like this around me- he talks to everyone else in our department. Snowflakes inside...
I've written about it before, but I'm still having problems working with "Fergus". He's a manager, though we both have the same boss.
For some reason, he ignores me for the most part unless he needs something then he starts barking orders at me. He points out mistakes that I make so he can rub it in my face. He finds fault in pretty much everything I do. He was out on medical leave, but didn't leave any instructions on what to do. I had to scramble to complete his work, while training a part-time employee who was helping work on Fergus's work. When Fergus came back, all he did was complain that this was wrong or that was wrong. I felt like crying because all he did was criticize everything, but he never said how he wanted it done in the first place!
He's two-faced: He'll bash me and complain about me to others. I've had other workers tell me that he does it. He blames stuff on me and will tell me one thing to my face, yet says another thing behind my back. My boss accidentally set the security alarm even though we had the part-time workers back there. Somehow it became my fault because I didn't tell boss that the workers were back there and Fergus went around telling everyone that.
Now he's ignoring me whenever I go back to his desk to talk to him. He has long conversations with the new manager, "Melissa". She sits near me, so he'll come by her desk and he has this weird smirk on his face like he's trying to upset me. It does because I have to talk to him about work stuff, yet he'll literally turn away and ignore me.
Fergus will also say things like, "Melissa is so nice" "Why are you here? Where's Melissa?"
He was out of the office and I texted him to ask if he was out and if I should complete any of his work, but he didn't respond. I texted Melissa and explained that I wasn't sure if I should handle the requests coming in. She responded 3 hours later that he was out sick. I didn't know why it was such a big deal/some big secret. Whenever Fergus is out, it's a mystery. While if I'm out, *everyone* knows. Why is that?
The one day I went up to him at his desk and I could literally reach out and touch him, but he just sat there ignoring me. He wasn't busy or in the middle of something. Fed up, I called his phone and he then finally looked up!
I was frustrated and asked him if everything was okay. He looked confused and I explained that I needed his help. He got up to help me, but was weird about it. (Like he didn't want to or something.)
I'm at my wit's end. I really am beginning to hate my job and that whole place. Fergus is moody in general, but it's never been as bad as this. I've never had him literally ignore me when I would go to talk to him. All he wants to do is socialize and goof around. He's the boss's favorite, so nothing can be done. He's also popular and everyone likes him. I have no allies/people on my side.
I'm still trying to get out of the place, but until then how do I deal with this?
I've written about it before, but I'm still having problems working with "Fergus". He's a manager, though we both have the same boss.
For some reason, he ignores me for the most part unless he needs something then he starts barking orders at me. He points out mistakes that I make so he can rub it in my face. He finds fault in pretty much everything I do. He was out on medical leave, but didn't leave any instructions on what to do. I had to scramble to complete his work, while training a part-time employee who was helping work on Fergus's work. When Fergus came back, all he did was complain that this was wrong or that was wrong. I felt like crying because all he did was criticize everything, but he never said how he wanted it done in the first place!
He's two-faced: He'll bash me and complain about me to others. I've had other workers tell me that he does it. He blames stuff on me and will tell me one thing to my face, yet says another thing behind my back. My boss accidentally set the security alarm even though we had the part-time workers back there. Somehow it became my fault because I didn't tell boss that the workers were back there and Fergus went around telling everyone that.
Now he's ignoring me whenever I go back to his desk to talk to him. He has long conversations with the new manager, "Melissa". She sits near me, so he'll come by her desk and he has this weird smirk on his face like he's trying to upset me. It does because I have to talk to him about work stuff, yet he'll literally turn away and ignore me.
Fergus will also say things like, "Melissa is so nice" "Why are you here? Where's Melissa?"
He was out of the office and I texted him to ask if he was out and if I should complete any of his work, but he didn't respond. I texted Melissa and explained that I wasn't sure if I should handle the requests coming in. She responded 3 hours later that he was out sick. I didn't know why it was such a big deal/some big secret. Whenever Fergus is out, it's a mystery. While if I'm out, *everyone* knows. Why is that?
The one day I went up to him at his desk and I could literally reach out and touch him, but he just sat there ignoring me. He wasn't busy or in the middle of something. Fed up, I called his phone and he then finally looked up!
I was frustrated and asked him if everything was okay. He looked confused and I explained that I needed his help. He got up to help me, but was weird about it. (Like he didn't want to or something.)
I'm at my wit's end. I really am beginning to hate my job and that whole place. Fergus is moody in general, but it's never been as bad as this. I've never had him literally ignore me when I would go to talk to him. All he wants to do is socialize and goof around. He's the boss's favorite, so nothing can be done. He's also popular and everyone likes him. I have no allies/people on my side.
I'm still trying to get out of the place, but until then how do I deal with this?
Film him being an unprofessional twat.
posted by markbrendanawitzmissesus at 7:31 PM on January 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by markbrendanawitzmissesus at 7:31 PM on January 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
I agree with the comment saying that he is at least partly doing this because it feeds his ego to ignore you and feel in control of how you experience your job.
I second the recommendation to stop talking to him in person as much as possible. Communicate by email and CC someone else wherever you can - whether it’s his boss, a project manager, a team member, whoever. People like Fergus are very often preoccupied with curating their reputation and will not want to look bad in front of other coworkers, so he may be more likely to respond if other people are involved.
I would also start doing the bare minimum while continuing to collect your paycheck and look for something else. Don’t worry anymore about who will cover Fergus’ work if he’s away or not getting things done. If a task hasn’t been directly assigned to you, stop worrying about it. Going out of your way for a company that bullies and disrespects you is making your already precarious mental health worse. Just do what you absolutely need to for the day and then leave.
When I was working a job I couldn’t stand, I was able to get a note from my GP recommending I work from home two days a week for “medical reasons” as an accommodation. We were unionized and because of the terms of our specific collective agreement, my management was not allowed to ask any further details on what those reasons were as long as I was still getting my work done. I wonder if you stand to benefit from any similar policies at your job?
Best of luck. I hope you can move on soon.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 8:11 PM on January 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
I second the recommendation to stop talking to him in person as much as possible. Communicate by email and CC someone else wherever you can - whether it’s his boss, a project manager, a team member, whoever. People like Fergus are very often preoccupied with curating their reputation and will not want to look bad in front of other coworkers, so he may be more likely to respond if other people are involved.
I would also start doing the bare minimum while continuing to collect your paycheck and look for something else. Don’t worry anymore about who will cover Fergus’ work if he’s away or not getting things done. If a task hasn’t been directly assigned to you, stop worrying about it. Going out of your way for a company that bullies and disrespects you is making your already precarious mental health worse. Just do what you absolutely need to for the day and then leave.
When I was working a job I couldn’t stand, I was able to get a note from my GP recommending I work from home two days a week for “medical reasons” as an accommodation. We were unionized and because of the terms of our specific collective agreement, my management was not allowed to ask any further details on what those reasons were as long as I was still getting my work done. I wonder if you stand to benefit from any similar policies at your job?
Best of luck. I hope you can move on soon.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 8:11 PM on January 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
Always have a witness to all communication. Only speak with him when other people are present, and CC someone else into all email chains. He will immediately start behaving better when there’s a witness.
He will also try to isolate you again by starting convos in private. Isolating you is what gives him pleasure and power. Don’t let him do it. Aggressively create a paper trail. After every single convo email him documenting what happened. Polite, officious, helpful, specific. You can verrrry subtly imply that he’s not giving clear direction. But positive and polite.
“Hi Fergus! Thanks so much for our chat just now in the kitchen. I just wanted to confirm next steps:
You asked me to do ABC by this date.
Also, you mentioned concern about Foo which we’ll handle with FooFoo.
It sounded like you don’t have a firm plan yet for XYZ so as you suggested, I’ll wait for your instructions on XYZ, hopefully by Jan 19 before I start it on Jan 20.
If I missed anything, please let me know!”
“Hi Fergus, thanks for our chat in the elevator. Just confirming next steps-
I asked you about how you’d like me to handle [your project] while you’re on vacation and you said whatever I do is fine.
So, with that in mind, my plan is to do A-B-C and possibly consider also doing Thing or Thang, maybe even Theng or Thung, depending on circumstances.
If there’s anything you’d like me to alter about this plan, could you kindly let me know by Feb 2 so I can prepare? I’m going to start my part of it on Feb 3.
I hope your dental surgery goes well!
With this kind of documentation - polite, thorough, gently implying he ignores you at your desk or is vague with direction, and always leaving yourself room to use a few probable options, always inviting him to edit the plan, he can’t possibly say you’re not doing your job... but you sure have his ass against the wall for not doing his.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:54 PM on January 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
He will also try to isolate you again by starting convos in private. Isolating you is what gives him pleasure and power. Don’t let him do it. Aggressively create a paper trail. After every single convo email him documenting what happened. Polite, officious, helpful, specific. You can verrrry subtly imply that he’s not giving clear direction. But positive and polite.
“Hi Fergus! Thanks so much for our chat just now in the kitchen. I just wanted to confirm next steps:
You asked me to do ABC by this date.
Also, you mentioned concern about Foo which we’ll handle with FooFoo.
It sounded like you don’t have a firm plan yet for XYZ so as you suggested, I’ll wait for your instructions on XYZ, hopefully by Jan 19 before I start it on Jan 20.
If I missed anything, please let me know!”
“Hi Fergus, thanks for our chat in the elevator. Just confirming next steps-
I asked you about how you’d like me to handle [your project] while you’re on vacation and you said whatever I do is fine.
So, with that in mind, my plan is to do A-B-C and possibly consider also doing Thing or Thang, maybe even Theng or Thung, depending on circumstances.
If there’s anything you’d like me to alter about this plan, could you kindly let me know by Feb 2 so I can prepare? I’m going to start my part of it on Feb 3.
I hope your dental surgery goes well!
With this kind of documentation - polite, thorough, gently implying he ignores you at your desk or is vague with direction, and always leaving yourself room to use a few probable options, always inviting him to edit the plan, he can’t possibly say you’re not doing your job... but you sure have his ass against the wall for not doing his.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:54 PM on January 16, 2022 [11 favorites]
what you do:
- don't text a guy you're trying to build a case against! simply do not ever do this! when you talk to your boss you need to have in reserve your documentation of the many times he's ignored your urgent messages about where is he, what work needs doing, etc.
you need this not just so that you can feel comfortable having a formal discussion about this regardless of how much you think the boss likes him, but so that in the event he claims he gave you work to do and you didn't do it, you have proof that's a lie.
- after you ask him what to do about X, save the follow-up emails where you say "You never responded to any of my questions about X. Again: What do you want me to do about X?"
- talk to your boss.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:25 PM on January 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
- don't text a guy you're trying to build a case against! simply do not ever do this! when you talk to your boss you need to have in reserve your documentation of the many times he's ignored your urgent messages about where is he, what work needs doing, etc.
you need this not just so that you can feel comfortable having a formal discussion about this regardless of how much you think the boss likes him, but so that in the event he claims he gave you work to do and you didn't do it, you have proof that's a lie.
- after you ask him what to do about X, save the follow-up emails where you say "You never responded to any of my questions about X. Again: What do you want me to do about X?"
- talk to your boss.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:25 PM on January 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
You've had several questions about not only Fergus, but other co-workers, people from other departments, from different jobs, from school, ex friends, all with some dysfunctional interaction dynamics. In addition to addressing the individual specific problems, can you sit down, perhaps with the help of a friend or a therapist, and map out what's going on in these different domains and see if you can find any patterns you can identify and address?
posted by meijusa at 5:27 AM on January 17, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 5:27 AM on January 17, 2022 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: I went to talk to Fergus to check in on the status of projects that I'm working on. He answered, but seemed distracted.
I went back later and Melissa was there. Fergus actually started talking to me and was all, "Do you need help? What are you working on?" to me! He's Mr. Social all of a sudden!
Then when Melissa left, he resumed his usual attitude.
I feel like I'm going crazy!
I hurried by and mumbled an answer because I was too shocked to say anything else. Fergus and Melissa looked at each other probably like, "What's her problem?" but he acts like a totally different person when she's not around.
posted by lawgirl at 10:17 AM on January 18, 2022
I went back later and Melissa was there. Fergus actually started talking to me and was all, "Do you need help? What are you working on?" to me! He's Mr. Social all of a sudden!
Then when Melissa left, he resumed his usual attitude.
I feel like I'm going crazy!
I hurried by and mumbled an answer because I was too shocked to say anything else. Fergus and Melissa looked at each other probably like, "What's her problem?" but he acts like a totally different person when she's not around.
posted by lawgirl at 10:17 AM on January 18, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
Fundamentally, it's time to get a new job. Sounds like you're already doing that, though.
Until that's done, it sounds like you need to figure out how to minimize contact with Fergus. If he won't provide you with directions, make up your own. Each week, send him an email (possibly ccing his manager or anyone you think is relevant) saying what you're going to do, and ask him if it's incorrect. If he corrects you, update the list and send it out again. Repeat until he stops correcting you (for that week).
Make sure the list is well within your time available for the week. If there are items that you think are important, but you can't fit in the week, highlight them in the email as "deferred items" or something. Again, if he corrects you and says something is higher priority, update the list, but make sure something else is dropped in exchange.
Each week, forward the list to your personal email account privately.
Then, here's the tricky part. Do absolutely nothing more than the list. If someone asks you why something isn't done, forward them the list and say to escalate to Fergus to get it on the list. If Fergus asks why something isn't done, do exactly the same thing. Make it utterly impossible for them to have a paper trail of you failing to meet your expectations. Most jobs will tolerate poor managers - but they won't fire people as a result of poor management. It's too much of a liability for them. Even if they don't care about potential discrimination lawsuits, they generally don't want their unemployment insurance to go up.
On the very off chance you are fired for this, you will have very clear evidence the place is not working for, and a very clear case for unemployment coverage. Unemployment specifically covers cases for termination with cause - the assumption is its the employers obligation to hire competent people, not the employee's responsibility to be competent. In addition, your personal email record here will have a very clear paper trail that you did exactly what you said you're going to do. However, consult a lawyer before providing that record to anyone - it's quite possible your record may violate agreements you have with your employer.
posted by saeculorum at 6:39 PM on January 16, 2022 [12 favorites]