Tips for flirting when you are very shy?

November 26, 2021 4:17 AM

Tips for flirting when you are very shy?

The more I like someone, the shyer I typically feel around them. And flirting is usually a little indirect, non-obvious, and unclear. Since I don’t usually get incontrovertible “proof” that they like me, that makes me feel even shyer to flirt back.

In other words, it feels too risky, like I'm "putting myself out there."

Now, if someone is very OBVIOUSLY flirting with me, I am usually more confident to flirt back. But, most people won't be that direct.

In a typical situation, a guy won't continue flirting without some encouragement. So, what frequently happens is a potential budding romance quickly dies because of my shyness!

How can I develop more confidence and learn to flirt even when the situation--their interest, intentions, etc.--is unclear (as it usually is)?

posted by mintchip to Human Relations (11 answers total)

I for sure know what you mean about getting shyer around people you like. I don't know if there is a clear answer, as you are who are you are, but I would perhaps try and remember they're just regular people who may also feel shy, or have no idea how attractive they may be, and that every interaction with them doesn't need to Mean Something. Maybe you'll get to know him and realise you're better as friends. Maybe you'll fall in love. But you won't know unless you try.

I would perhaps though try and take the focus off consciously 'flirting'. I don't think I've ever had an interaction with a guy where I've actively planned to flirt. If I did I would probably come across as super awkward. It's usually just that we are talking and getting to know eachother, and it sort of evolves from there into a mutual realisation we're enjoying that process which then leads to more interest, more laughter etc.

Could you instead frame interactions with guys as 'how can I relax enough to enjoy this person's company, to be fully present, and to be myself?' You might consciously try to breathe more slowly, to be in your body, to really enjoy the participation with no expectations of an outcome. This is something you can bring to all interactions, even non flirty ones.

Also, shyness can be cute and endearing. If I can see someone is shy I might work to bring them out their shell a bit, and I might guess that there may be a reason behind their shyness. Perhaps the guy for you is someone who sees your shyness, likes it and works with it?
posted by starstarstar at 4:33 AM on November 26, 2021 [6 favorites]

I used to agonize over this sort of thing, especially because I'm not neurotypical and it is especially challenging for me to read and know how to respond to nuanced situations. But then I decided not to fret as much about putting myself out there. Yes, it risks more direct rejection and that feels super scary. But it's also not TOO terrible a worst case scenario. A decent person isn't going to mock me or hate me for flirting with them, and if it turns out they're not a decent person, what do I care what they think?

It feels like a really vulnerable position, but it's made me feel surprisingly LESS vulnerable because I engage more honestly with less fear.

I get it if you can't do that though. Back when I analyzed it more, with men, it worked well for me to try to exactly match the level of flirtation I thought they were giving me. So if I wasn't even sure if they were flirting I'd try to respond similarly ambiguously, but make it clear I was enjoying the conversation. Men tended to escalate their flirtation at the slightest encouragement, which helped make it more clear. (Women did not so that was trickier.)
posted by metasarah at 4:57 AM on November 26, 2021 [6 favorites]

I think a bit more directness is best -- in a way that feels comfortable to you. If you're not sure if people person is flirting or just being friendly, you can say "I'm really enjoying talking to you!" and then smile, and see how they react. Or you can say "I think you're flirting with me? I like it but it's making me a bit shy." [Cute awkward smile]

Being shy and flirty a.k.a. coy can be so cool and fun! We all have our flirting style: if you are enjoying yourself, as along as you're respectful and kind -- no negging for example -- you are more than fine! If you want tips for extricating yourself for an unwelcome flirting situation, we can help, too; however, it seems like you're just asking for advice for positive situations.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:59 AM on November 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

Also, I think you feel mostly or even fully responsible for when a flirtation dies. However, it takes two to tango! Sure, we don't want to encourage jerks to be more pushy but these guys could be running out of steam themselves or lose interest for other reasons. Flirting is nice but so is a friendly conversation: someone interested and good at communication can look for a way to continue the conversation later, like by suggesting you hang out or go to an event together as friends. I am often very direct and smooth but still find myself rejected and/or lose interest for different reasons. A truly delightful flirt is so delightful because it's rare -- it's less about what people are doing and more about chemistry and openness.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:04 AM on November 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

This is what dating apps are good for - they take out a degree of ambiguity from dating, and they will get you dates without having to flirt first. But yes, otherwise just try to mirror the other person, and show interest by literally taking an interest in them - i.e. asking them questions, etc. If someone is interested in you, that should be enough encouragement.
posted by coffeecat at 9:31 AM on November 26, 2021

Just saw this Guide to Flirting from the Social Issues Research Centre.
posted by at at 10:56 AM on November 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

I like Smorgasbord’s advice of being direct. It will take some courage, but if you can work up the nerve to say something like “If I’m being shy/awkward, it’s because I like you” or “Sorry if I seem nervous, I get really shy/quiet around people I like.” Then all you shyness and nervousness will be perceived as flirting after that and you don’t have to worry so much about fighting it or communicating outside of your comfort zone! It will probably also make it more immediately apparent whether they are reciprocating or not, so you spend less time wondering “are they flirting or just being nice?”
posted by a.steele at 11:08 AM on November 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

Flirting, as such, is way over-rated. More often than not, it's a habit or an act, not a real indication of interest.

What everyone 100% always likes is ... themselves. If you really want someone to think "I like you" then make them think "she's wants to talk about me and what I am interested in."

More practically: let someone talk for 30-45 seconds about something he's into, and in the pause where he expects you to change the topic or start to look around for someone more interesting to whom to talk, ask a follow-up question. 60 more seconds, when he's sure you're going to turn your back, ask another follow-up question with a smile and a lot of eye contact. Kismet.

(By the way, this 100% works for making friends, business networking, or whatever. One channel contains a lot of streams of attraction...)
posted by MattD at 12:28 PM on November 26, 2021 [4 favorites]

Smile. Even the quietest, shyest person can smile. It does wonders---at least, I think so, from observations only, as I'm not shy myself. But I do know that many people become shy around people they are interested in, the more interest, the more shyness....

Always look your best when you go out, if only to pick up a book at the library or go grocery shopping. This will widen your possibilities.

The more you practice smiling, being approachable, learning to manage small talk, the easier it will get.

Good luck to you. The world is full of wonderful guys!
posted by ragtimepiano at 5:50 PM on November 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'm going to suggest you dont use the phrase- I think you're flirting with me. It makes something subtle into something explicit and I appreciate the appeal of that but in that phrasing you are asking them, entirely, to be explicit. I would find that really off putting. The point of flirting, instead of saying things directly, is that it occurs in a time of possibility. If you ask someone to say it out loud it's like, asking for confirmation of something that is deliberately ambiguous. If you are not a natural flirt I would honestly just talk as you normally do and if you like someone, ask them out- this requires you to be vulnerable but not in a way that is dependent on kind of faking a personality that is not yours.

I think trying to fake a gregarious or open nature when you don't have one is a recipe for awkwardness on both sides.l and in think shy people can be lovely and you want to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are. Lots of people are shy- it's not weird or unusual even. Enjoy the conversation and if you like them enough, be direct about that- but as an invitation. I think labelling the situation (I am having a good time or you are flirting with me) would feel really strange to me.
posted by jojobobo at 8:52 PM on November 27, 2021

Alcohol always worked for me.
posted by zaelic at 7:39 AM on November 28, 2021