Serious creative block making me miserable
November 21, 2021 2:56 PM Subscribe
I've been suffering a serious creative block for almost a decade. It's unbearable. I used to find joy in the process of discovery and creation but the joy's been replaced with fear and I can't shift it. I just want to take courses and practice my art techniques! But I can't concentrate on the course material, and then when I start to work I am filled with fear/dread/confusion/self-hate/doubt/hopelessness. Even just thinking about creating something triggers these feelings in me.
I've been in therapy for a year and a half (and off and on before that) but I'm still solidly stuck and getting more so as time passes.
I know what started this. My university course was brutally difficult and the idea that perfect work = good person was heavily promoted by faculty and students alike, and I definitely got sucked into it. I had a traumatic mess of a graduation show that left me so humiliated I cut off all my school friends and fell into a dangerous mental health crisis. My career in the field was more of the same attitude. Work gossip was vicious, "did you see what so and so made? God she's such a wreck." Everything I created was picked apart and treated as a reflection on my value as a human being. Creativity was not valued, perfect technique was. But I graduated in 2012, left the field for good in 2016, and I'm still trapped irrationally in that mindset. I hate it. I find myself internally criticizing myself and others just like I'm still at school or in my old workplaces. It doesn't reflect my values at all and yet I compulsively do it. Then I get into this stupid feedback loop of criticism -> shame -> criticism etc.
I've always been a perfectionist and I've always battled depression and anxiety. But I was these things before I went to university, and I was silly and playful and creative and always growing and discovering. Now even just thinking about creating opens a portal in my brain to the worst feelings in the world. But I still have this intense, overwhelming urge to express myself through art. I deeply miss the satisfaction and happiness it used to give me.
I thought if I took baby steps it might help. So I started doing Skillshare and Domestica courses hosted by some artists I want to learn from. But I can't even pay full attention to a 5 minute segment. One hour of teaching takes me around 20 hours to get through. I get this odd, tight feeling of impatience and anxiety in my chest and my attention wanders. I started a homework assignment months ago, and I obsess about it constantly and then feel paralyzed when I start to work on it. I've gone through countless books about perfectionism, creativity, and self-worth, but I can only focus enough to skim them and then nothing seems to stick. I just spent $400 on an in-class drawing course running in April (quite a bit of money for me), hoping actual real deadlines will get me moving, but I suspect I just paid $400 for nothing but a lot of self-flagellation.
As I said above, I'm in therapy. It's slow going. We're doing psychodynamic therapy which works for me in a lot of ways but maybe not this particular issue. CBT is a no-go for me.
I work as a designer and digital illustrator and don't really struggle much with a block there. Maybe because I'm in-house and there's very little creativity, challenge or self-expression involved in my work.
Anybody else ever deal with something like this? How ever did you get unstuck?
Note: I'm not interested in spitballed suggestions or internet search solutions - I can source that myself! I'm looking for personal anecdotes from people who've been through similar situations.
I've been in therapy for a year and a half (and off and on before that) but I'm still solidly stuck and getting more so as time passes.
I know what started this. My university course was brutally difficult and the idea that perfect work = good person was heavily promoted by faculty and students alike, and I definitely got sucked into it. I had a traumatic mess of a graduation show that left me so humiliated I cut off all my school friends and fell into a dangerous mental health crisis. My career in the field was more of the same attitude. Work gossip was vicious, "did you see what so and so made? God she's such a wreck." Everything I created was picked apart and treated as a reflection on my value as a human being. Creativity was not valued, perfect technique was. But I graduated in 2012, left the field for good in 2016, and I'm still trapped irrationally in that mindset. I hate it. I find myself internally criticizing myself and others just like I'm still at school or in my old workplaces. It doesn't reflect my values at all and yet I compulsively do it. Then I get into this stupid feedback loop of criticism -> shame -> criticism etc.
I've always been a perfectionist and I've always battled depression and anxiety. But I was these things before I went to university, and I was silly and playful and creative and always growing and discovering. Now even just thinking about creating opens a portal in my brain to the worst feelings in the world. But I still have this intense, overwhelming urge to express myself through art. I deeply miss the satisfaction and happiness it used to give me.
I thought if I took baby steps it might help. So I started doing Skillshare and Domestica courses hosted by some artists I want to learn from. But I can't even pay full attention to a 5 minute segment. One hour of teaching takes me around 20 hours to get through. I get this odd, tight feeling of impatience and anxiety in my chest and my attention wanders. I started a homework assignment months ago, and I obsess about it constantly and then feel paralyzed when I start to work on it. I've gone through countless books about perfectionism, creativity, and self-worth, but I can only focus enough to skim them and then nothing seems to stick. I just spent $400 on an in-class drawing course running in April (quite a bit of money for me), hoping actual real deadlines will get me moving, but I suspect I just paid $400 for nothing but a lot of self-flagellation.
As I said above, I'm in therapy. It's slow going. We're doing psychodynamic therapy which works for me in a lot of ways but maybe not this particular issue. CBT is a no-go for me.
I work as a designer and digital illustrator and don't really struggle much with a block there. Maybe because I'm in-house and there's very little creativity, challenge or self-expression involved in my work.
Anybody else ever deal with something like this? How ever did you get unstuck?
Note: I'm not interested in spitballed suggestions or internet search solutions - I can source that myself! I'm looking for personal anecdotes from people who've been through similar situations.
I taught someone the instrument I thought I had given up forever and it reset things for me. Is there someone you could teach beginner stuff to in a low-stakes way?
posted by kapers at 3:53 PM on November 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by kapers at 3:53 PM on November 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
Another medium is a great idea. Something with lower stakes. You really need to just make something. You are not going to find the answer in a book or video or class, or more talking about it.
You just have to make the first thing, which can be anything at all. It will not be perfect, it may be terrible! Or maybe it won't, since you had university art training. Either way, you will survive it, and learn from it, and that's it. Do you have a sketchbook and a pencil? Draw a box of your feelings. Or a coffee cup.
(You can even share it with Mefites who are making stuff. Some of us [me] have struggled with related kinds of issues.)
on preview: teaching beginner art sounds like a great idea too.
posted by Glinn at 4:01 PM on November 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
You just have to make the first thing, which can be anything at all. It will not be perfect, it may be terrible! Or maybe it won't, since you had university art training. Either way, you will survive it, and learn from it, and that's it. Do you have a sketchbook and a pencil? Draw a box of your feelings. Or a coffee cup.
(You can even share it with Mefites who are making stuff. Some of us [me] have struggled with related kinds of issues.)
on preview: teaching beginner art sounds like a great idea too.
posted by Glinn at 4:01 PM on November 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
But I can't even pay full attention to a 5 minute segment. One hour of teaching takes me around 20 hours to get through. I get this odd, tight feeling of impatience and anxiety in my chest and my attention wanders.
I don't want to medicalise your problem, which is entirely valid as a form of creative block in and of itself, but have you discussed the possibility of ADHD with your therapist? Because this is exactly how a friend of mine was before she was diagnosed and started medication. She is also an artist and struggled with a similar block, but going on meds helped her rediscover the ability to just focus on a piece long enough to make something.
It also sounds like you've created this block partly out of trauma and the more you're pressing against it, the more you're re-traumatising yourself by constantly beating yourself against a wall of it Not Working (kind of like when insomnia gets worse the more you try to fix it, because the bed itself becomes a source of anxiety). Picking up another wholly new medium might help, like something vastly different, or taking yourself away to a new place and trying to let go of all of these tough associations with creating.
posted by fight or flight at 4:01 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
I don't want to medicalise your problem, which is entirely valid as a form of creative block in and of itself, but have you discussed the possibility of ADHD with your therapist? Because this is exactly how a friend of mine was before she was diagnosed and started medication. She is also an artist and struggled with a similar block, but going on meds helped her rediscover the ability to just focus on a piece long enough to make something.
It also sounds like you've created this block partly out of trauma and the more you're pressing against it, the more you're re-traumatising yourself by constantly beating yourself against a wall of it Not Working (kind of like when insomnia gets worse the more you try to fix it, because the bed itself becomes a source of anxiety). Picking up another wholly new medium might help, like something vastly different, or taking yourself away to a new place and trying to let go of all of these tough associations with creating.
posted by fight or flight at 4:01 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I am going through similar! I try to write but I get to my keyboard and I freeze with anxiety. Part of it, I think, is feeling like I'm so far behind creatively that whatever I do has to be perfect to justify all the time I've waited. And another part of is dreading that it'll never be as good as what I have in my head -- there's a great essay by Ann Patchett on this, if you can get your hands on it, "The Getaway Car," about her writing life. She says she's never written anything nearly as good as how she's imagined it.
One thing that's helping me lately is making the setup more casual. I panic when faced with a blank Word document, so I've been scribbling on 3x5 notecards throughout the day (I'm starting to carry them around in my pocket, even) and then transcribing them into a text document later. I'm super la la la about writing in a Metafilter window, it's so easy after 16 years, so I kind of wish there were a Metafilter simulator to help me just get the words down!
posted by mochapickle at 4:09 PM on November 21, 2021 [6 favorites]
One thing that's helping me lately is making the setup more casual. I panic when faced with a blank Word document, so I've been scribbling on 3x5 notecards throughout the day (I'm starting to carry them around in my pocket, even) and then transcribing them into a text document later. I'm super la la la about writing in a Metafilter window, it's so easy after 16 years, so I kind of wish there were a Metafilter simulator to help me just get the words down!
posted by mochapickle at 4:09 PM on November 21, 2021 [6 favorites]
What other new things have you tried (in any area) since then? Have you taken any classes in something completely different? (Yoga, dance, car repair, cooking, coding, etc.?)
For me, learning to be a beginner - and be comfortable being a beginner - in totally different areas helped me get out of a similar spin (not believing in my own writing after a brutal 15 year media career.)
Also agreed with switching media.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:27 PM on November 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
For me, learning to be a beginner - and be comfortable being a beginner - in totally different areas helped me get out of a similar spin (not believing in my own writing after a brutal 15 year media career.)
Also agreed with switching media.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:27 PM on November 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
When you feel constrained by lack of creativity practice skills. Not everything is meant for presentation.
Polish your skills/technique/ hand/brush work WHAT EVER.
Do it again and again and again.
posted by Max Power at 4:36 PM on November 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
Polish your skills/technique/ hand/brush work WHAT EVER.
Do it again and again and again.
posted by Max Power at 4:36 PM on November 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
I can't promise it'll unstick you, but it might at least make you feel less alone in your stuckness: The Magic Lessons podcast by Liz Gilbert is full of people who want to be creative, but are stuck for various reasons - fear, grief, guilt, you name it. She talks to them kindly about it and tries to help them get unstuck.
Like I say, I'm not necessarily saying you'll hear it and go "Of course! That's the secret I'm missing!" but it might at least give you some other angles and ways to think about it.
And nthing the idea to try something utterly different, where there's no doubt that you're a beginner and therefore there's no expectation. Like, if you were a painter before, go learn a musical instrument or take some acting lessons or something.
posted by penguin pie at 5:09 PM on November 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
Like I say, I'm not necessarily saying you'll hear it and go "Of course! That's the secret I'm missing!" but it might at least give you some other angles and ways to think about it.
And nthing the idea to try something utterly different, where there's no doubt that you're a beginner and therefore there's no expectation. Like, if you were a painter before, go learn a musical instrument or take some acting lessons or something.
posted by penguin pie at 5:09 PM on November 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
You could look into creativity coaching. It’s not therapy, but it is psychologically informed, helping artists work through emotional blocks and find structural and and technical approaches that help you make progress on your artistic goals, whatever they are. You could find a generalist or someone who specializes in your medium. There’s a directory at the Creativity Coaching Association to help you find someone reputable.
DM me if you want more info. I’m a certified creativity coach, not currently practicing, but I’m happy to advise on what it is and how to find the right coach for you.
posted by alicat at 5:55 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
DM me if you want more info. I’m a certified creativity coach, not currently practicing, but I’m happy to advise on what it is and how to find the right coach for you.
posted by alicat at 5:55 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Best answer: After you've done anything for long enough, you have a certain amount of trauma associated with it: with learning it, with doing it, with experiencing people's response to it.
Performers get stage fright or performance-related anxiety.
Baseball players get the yips.
Gymnasts get the twisties.
It's a wall of fear and aversion that comes down between you and the thing you want/need most to do.
It's our autonomic nervous system saying "Last time you did this, it hurt. Let's not do this again." Which is really that instinctual part of your brain trying to protect you. It's an animal thing, it doesn't understand about art.
Once when I went to an anxiety therapist, she asked me to sing badly for her. And I suddenly found I couldn't get a note wrong. So... maybe draw something badly, in ballpoint pen on a post-it note. Or get some plasticine and make some bad little animals.
Perhaps eventually you might think of doing the One Hundred Demons exercise where you just draw a bunch of demons, just letting them flow out of you. You don't have to go all the way to 100 as the monks used to. The point is to get into a flow state, the state the fear is keeping you from reaching.
No one has to see it, or know about it. Make some stuff badly, a secret between you and yourself.
That's the best advice I have.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:01 PM on November 21, 2021 [19 favorites]
Performers get stage fright or performance-related anxiety.
Baseball players get the yips.
Gymnasts get the twisties.
It's a wall of fear and aversion that comes down between you and the thing you want/need most to do.
It's our autonomic nervous system saying "Last time you did this, it hurt. Let's not do this again." Which is really that instinctual part of your brain trying to protect you. It's an animal thing, it doesn't understand about art.
Once when I went to an anxiety therapist, she asked me to sing badly for her. And I suddenly found I couldn't get a note wrong. So... maybe draw something badly, in ballpoint pen on a post-it note. Or get some plasticine and make some bad little animals.
Perhaps eventually you might think of doing the One Hundred Demons exercise where you just draw a bunch of demons, just letting them flow out of you. You don't have to go all the way to 100 as the monks used to. The point is to get into a flow state, the state the fear is keeping you from reaching.
No one has to see it, or know about it. Make some stuff badly, a secret between you and yourself.
That's the best advice I have.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:01 PM on November 21, 2021 [19 favorites]
I’m not a mental health professional, but I would not be surprised if you have bonafide PTSD around your creative practice. This is not normal level artists block, so don’t get too discouraged if normal “creative block” advice doesn’t work for you.
The below is probably not good advice, but it’s something I’m writing down to tell myself, since I’m struggling with my own extended bout of creative block.
Give up that part of your life. Making art isn’t bringing you joy, so Konmari it. Say thanks, let go, move on. Give yourself permission to do what brings you joy *now*, instead of forcing yourself to try to get back to who you were or who you think you should be.
As with exercise, sometimes “no pain no gain” is true, but so is “if it hurts, DONT DO IT”.
Go no-contact with the art-making part of your identity for an extended period of time. Two years, at least. Let that part of your brain rest and *HEAL*. Find new hobbies that enrich your life and bring you unequivocal joy and don’t have the baggage that your “current” art practice does. Let that view of yourself fade into the history of your life like a previous apartment or old romantic relationship that meant a lot to you at one point, but you can never go back to.
After those years have passed, after you’re not longer pining for your art like an abusive ex-partner (consider that type of framing, really), after you can think about your awful grad show without viscerally reliving your awful grad show, maybe try your art again. If you do not *need* it to fulfill you, it will be easier to dabble in, and maybe practice again.
But for now, if it hurts, don’t do it.
Don’t torture yourself. You only have one life, enjoy your free time as much as you can.
posted by itesser at 6:05 PM on November 21, 2021 [7 favorites]
The below is probably not good advice, but it’s something I’m writing down to tell myself, since I’m struggling with my own extended bout of creative block.
Give up that part of your life. Making art isn’t bringing you joy, so Konmari it. Say thanks, let go, move on. Give yourself permission to do what brings you joy *now*, instead of forcing yourself to try to get back to who you were or who you think you should be.
As with exercise, sometimes “no pain no gain” is true, but so is “if it hurts, DONT DO IT”.
Go no-contact with the art-making part of your identity for an extended period of time. Two years, at least. Let that part of your brain rest and *HEAL*. Find new hobbies that enrich your life and bring you unequivocal joy and don’t have the baggage that your “current” art practice does. Let that view of yourself fade into the history of your life like a previous apartment or old romantic relationship that meant a lot to you at one point, but you can never go back to.
After those years have passed, after you’re not longer pining for your art like an abusive ex-partner (consider that type of framing, really), after you can think about your awful grad show without viscerally reliving your awful grad show, maybe try your art again. If you do not *need* it to fulfill you, it will be easier to dabble in, and maybe practice again.
But for now, if it hurts, don’t do it.
Don’t torture yourself. You only have one life, enjoy your free time as much as you can.
posted by itesser at 6:05 PM on November 21, 2021 [7 favorites]
From my personal experience, I'll tell you one thing NOT TO DO: self-medicate.
Some years back, I was struggling with my writing. Then I discovered alcohol, and suddenly there was a BIG jump in the quantity and quality of my work. I suppose the alcohol brought my inhibitions and self-criticism down, so I could write and write well without constantly second-guessing myself and tearing up what I had written.
Sounds great, right? But after a year of drinking, the quality of my writing started to collapse. Some folks who had enjoyed my previous work pointed out to me that my writing was becoming increasingly incoherent and rambling. I finally reached a point where I couldn't produce anything but false starts that led nowhere. I stopped writing and, as much as possible, stopped drinking.
In my head, writing and drinking are now so interconnected that I'm afraid to write anymore for fear of relapsing.
TL;DR: self-medicating to control your creative anxiety is a very bad idea. Don't try it!
posted by SPrintF at 6:15 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Some years back, I was struggling with my writing. Then I discovered alcohol, and suddenly there was a BIG jump in the quantity and quality of my work. I suppose the alcohol brought my inhibitions and self-criticism down, so I could write and write well without constantly second-guessing myself and tearing up what I had written.
Sounds great, right? But after a year of drinking, the quality of my writing started to collapse. Some folks who had enjoyed my previous work pointed out to me that my writing was becoming increasingly incoherent and rambling. I finally reached a point where I couldn't produce anything but false starts that led nowhere. I stopped writing and, as much as possible, stopped drinking.
In my head, writing and drinking are now so interconnected that I'm afraid to write anymore for fear of relapsing.
TL;DR: self-medicating to control your creative anxiety is a very bad idea. Don't try it!
posted by SPrintF at 6:15 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Nthing the idea of trying a different medium, but maybe don't go into it by trying to learn or take lessons. Just go for it, as messily and naively as possible.
I think right now you don't need homework, lessons or skills. Your body and brain need to have fun, particularly since your job is itself art-adjacent. If it's not fun, don't do it.
I think the advice to work this into therapy or find a creativity coach is probably the best bet.
I also keep a secondary creative practice (music) around which I have no ambitions whatsoever, mostly because I have no illusions about my lack of talent. This is a place to retreat when the endeavors around which I do have ambition get overwhelming or stifling, and the experience tends to be both freeing and helps to invigorate my other pursuits.
Here are other things that have worked, for a while at least:
- Make it impossible to do a "good" job. Use your non-dominant hand, give yourself impossible constraints, or (my favorite) use chance processes: put paint on a ball and bounce it on a piece of paper; attach brushes or pens to a piece of exercise equipment while you work out; assign symbols to certain words and try to diagram the evening news, etc., etc. Sometimes we need to recalibrate our ability to see what's "good" in what's not intentional. (This is funny. The stakes are low. There's no "success" here, there's just the process.)
- Do the same thing over and over and over again, preferably something quotidian: sketch the exact same plant every day for a month or six months. You aren't "practicing," "developing," or trying to improve day by day. You are noticing small differences, limiting what you need to make decisions about, and you're moving your hands consistently.
- Make it and get rid of it. Make a complete failure of an image, as badly as you can, and before you've even finished evaluating it put it in the mail addressed to a politician you hate.
- Make something every day for a full year. The commitment itself is the art project, and the part you have to take seriously. What you make every day are just quick little artifacts, keeping a record of the commitment.
- Stop looking at other art completely, for a predefined period, and with as much rigor as you can muster. Give an extended break to the part of your mind that is always looking at things and thinking, "That's better than I can do it," or "I wonder if I could do that," etc.
posted by AndNeverWell at 6:20 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think right now you don't need homework, lessons or skills. Your body and brain need to have fun, particularly since your job is itself art-adjacent. If it's not fun, don't do it.
I think the advice to work this into therapy or find a creativity coach is probably the best bet.
I also keep a secondary creative practice (music) around which I have no ambitions whatsoever, mostly because I have no illusions about my lack of talent. This is a place to retreat when the endeavors around which I do have ambition get overwhelming or stifling, and the experience tends to be both freeing and helps to invigorate my other pursuits.
Here are other things that have worked, for a while at least:
- Make it impossible to do a "good" job. Use your non-dominant hand, give yourself impossible constraints, or (my favorite) use chance processes: put paint on a ball and bounce it on a piece of paper; attach brushes or pens to a piece of exercise equipment while you work out; assign symbols to certain words and try to diagram the evening news, etc., etc. Sometimes we need to recalibrate our ability to see what's "good" in what's not intentional. (This is funny. The stakes are low. There's no "success" here, there's just the process.)
- Do the same thing over and over and over again, preferably something quotidian: sketch the exact same plant every day for a month or six months. You aren't "practicing," "developing," or trying to improve day by day. You are noticing small differences, limiting what you need to make decisions about, and you're moving your hands consistently.
- Make it and get rid of it. Make a complete failure of an image, as badly as you can, and before you've even finished evaluating it put it in the mail addressed to a politician you hate.
- Make something every day for a full year. The commitment itself is the art project, and the part you have to take seriously. What you make every day are just quick little artifacts, keeping a record of the commitment.
- Stop looking at other art completely, for a predefined period, and with as much rigor as you can muster. Give an extended break to the part of your mind that is always looking at things and thinking, "That's better than I can do it," or "I wonder if I could do that," etc.
posted by AndNeverWell at 6:20 PM on November 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The only thing I've ever read about it that helped me at all was the following quote from the choreographer and modern dance pioneer Martha Graham:
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.
I find her "none of your business" phrasing hilarious. But the point is, it's not your job, as an artist, to assign value to your work; it's your job to do the work.
I had a drawing teacher once who expressed a similar idea: he said to get good at drawing, you have to make a certain number of bad drawings, so if you find yourself making one, just tell yourself you're getting it out of the way.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:59 PM on November 21, 2021 [19 favorites]
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.
I find her "none of your business" phrasing hilarious. But the point is, it's not your job, as an artist, to assign value to your work; it's your job to do the work.
I had a drawing teacher once who expressed a similar idea: he said to get good at drawing, you have to make a certain number of bad drawings, so if you find yourself making one, just tell yourself you're getting it out of the way.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:59 PM on November 21, 2021 [19 favorites]
I had a mini-breakthrough a while back. I'd gone too long without drawing and starting again just seemed impossible, but then I had a look at Jim Henson's sketchbooks. They're very doodly, not what you'd call beautiful drawing at all, but you can see him working out the ideas and characters that would become iconic. Thinking of drawing like that, as a means to work jot down my ideas rather than something that's supposed to be beautiful in its own right, enabled me to put pen to paper for the first time in way too long.
It might also help to try drawing with your non-dominant hand, or drawing upside-down, or doing other things that force you to focus on the process more than the result.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:15 PM on November 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
It might also help to try drawing with your non-dominant hand, or drawing upside-down, or doing other things that force you to focus on the process more than the result.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:15 PM on November 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
I spent easily two decades of my life being too afraid to make music. A lot of the same self-hatred, feeling unoriginal, comparing myself unfavorably to musicians I admire, you name it.
Two things helped: One, I found a group of musicians who let me join them on a weekly basis (until COVID anyway). We just played covers for the longest time, or just jammed openly on simple chord progressions, but slowly nearly every one of us has written a song of our own and we've even performed live a handful of times. Finding these people was pure chance from someone overhearing me at a metafilter meetup.
The other thing was #jamuary - a challenge to make a short piece of music every single day (and post it online) during January. I was 100% convinced going in that I would either a) quit shortly after starting or b) make 30 days of utter garbage, but put my faith in the process being more important than the end result. In the end I had at least 50% good bits of music and I didn't miss a day. This absolutely did not feel like an attainable goal when I started. It was oddly liberating but also I assure you there were many days I did not feel like it but did it anyway.
Now to be clear, I still struggle with self-doubt and perfectionism and all those bits of music are still unformed songs and I am not particularly disciplined or productive. But compared to where I was I am in a much better place. So yeah, just commit to a small (and fast) drawing every day for a month - or something along those lines.
posted by O9scar at 11:59 PM on November 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
Two things helped: One, I found a group of musicians who let me join them on a weekly basis (until COVID anyway). We just played covers for the longest time, or just jammed openly on simple chord progressions, but slowly nearly every one of us has written a song of our own and we've even performed live a handful of times. Finding these people was pure chance from someone overhearing me at a metafilter meetup.
The other thing was #jamuary - a challenge to make a short piece of music every single day (and post it online) during January. I was 100% convinced going in that I would either a) quit shortly after starting or b) make 30 days of utter garbage, but put my faith in the process being more important than the end result. In the end I had at least 50% good bits of music and I didn't miss a day. This absolutely did not feel like an attainable goal when I started. It was oddly liberating but also I assure you there were many days I did not feel like it but did it anyway.
Now to be clear, I still struggle with self-doubt and perfectionism and all those bits of music are still unformed songs and I am not particularly disciplined or productive. But compared to where I was I am in a much better place. So yeah, just commit to a small (and fast) drawing every day for a month - or something along those lines.
posted by O9scar at 11:59 PM on November 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
I have had the same issues for about 15-20 years (it happened gradually, and in the beginning I could do collaborative work). After tons of different forms of therapy, one therapist suggested I be checked for PTSD. So I did (it took a long time to even get to the place where they can do that), and I am now in therapy, but only at the beginning. Just getting the diagnosis has helped me finish an unfinished project, because now I have a sense of what is the matter and can deal with it directly. But the therapy is very hard, and the prognosis is bad for anyone with PTSD.
You may have to say goodbye to that aspect of your life, like a soldier may have to say goodbye to war. But if you can, still see if this diagnosis may apply to you, because if so, they can help you move on, if that is needed. I'm still somewhat optimistic about my recovery, even though I haven't really managed to do anything else than that unfinished thing.
posted by mumimor at 12:47 AM on November 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
You may have to say goodbye to that aspect of your life, like a soldier may have to say goodbye to war. But if you can, still see if this diagnosis may apply to you, because if so, they can help you move on, if that is needed. I'm still somewhat optimistic about my recovery, even though I haven't really managed to do anything else than that unfinished thing.
posted by mumimor at 12:47 AM on November 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Fuck that brutal, horrible university where you went. I am so sorry it was such a brutal and damaging place.
when I start to work I am filled with fear/dread/confusion/self-hate/doubt/hopelessness. Even just thinking about creating something triggers these feelings in me.
Have you considered giving up on courses and just doing free-form anything, for 15 minutes and no more?
Until I got enough therapy (and medication and Al-Anon in me), I let my feeling run my life. That turns out to be problematic at times, as you have discovered.
I wonder if you might try setting a timer for 15 minutes, facing your feelings (I'm afraid, I'm miserable, I'm sad, etc. etc.) when you sit down to work, and then do something anyway. Nothing major. Give yourself just 15 minutes and stop when the timer goes off. You are done for the day.
My brain used to tell me that I was going to die, like literally die, if I did various things that I really wanted (and sometimes absolutely needed) to do. As it turned out, those feelings were uncomfortable but not actually deadly. Once I sat down and got started, they usually left me alone after a while.
Also, I found that promising myself that I could quit if I wanted to after 15 minutes meant that often, I did not need to quit. I could keep going for a while.
Obviously, facing your feelings of misery is noting like feeling joy, the joy you once felt when you used to do creative work. It might help you get back to joy, eventually. Or it might help you decide that you do need to find another medium or an entirely different approach to finding joy. This is challenging stuff, and I am so sorry you are facing this.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:51 AM on November 22, 2021 [5 favorites]
when I start to work I am filled with fear/dread/confusion/self-hate/doubt/hopelessness. Even just thinking about creating something triggers these feelings in me.
Have you considered giving up on courses and just doing free-form anything, for 15 minutes and no more?
Until I got enough therapy (and medication and Al-Anon in me), I let my feeling run my life. That turns out to be problematic at times, as you have discovered.
I wonder if you might try setting a timer for 15 minutes, facing your feelings (I'm afraid, I'm miserable, I'm sad, etc. etc.) when you sit down to work, and then do something anyway. Nothing major. Give yourself just 15 minutes and stop when the timer goes off. You are done for the day.
My brain used to tell me that I was going to die, like literally die, if I did various things that I really wanted (and sometimes absolutely needed) to do. As it turned out, those feelings were uncomfortable but not actually deadly. Once I sat down and got started, they usually left me alone after a while.
Also, I found that promising myself that I could quit if I wanted to after 15 minutes meant that often, I did not need to quit. I could keep going for a while.
Obviously, facing your feelings of misery is noting like feeling joy, the joy you once felt when you used to do creative work. It might help you get back to joy, eventually. Or it might help you decide that you do need to find another medium or an entirely different approach to finding joy. This is challenging stuff, and I am so sorry you are facing this.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:51 AM on November 22, 2021 [5 favorites]
Try to do worse art. Look at your most recent piece and try to do one on the same theme that is not as good.
Get the cheapest possible materials you can and use those - kindergarten crayons, dollar store paint, your oldest brushes that are not quite wrecked but too stiff to be easy to use. The end result will, of course, be crude. Embrace crude.
Do gestures - those drawings where you look at the thing you are drawing but never look down at the page so the lines all end up in the wrong place.
Experiment with expressionism, doing out of focus pictures.
Experiment with caricatures. Make a caricature of a still life and a caricature of a landscape and a caricature of a portrait.
Try to create works that look like they were done by a very young child.
Get a tiny sketchbook and put a timer on your phone. Every hour on the hour when the timer goes off grab your sketchbook and do a drawing that takes exactly sixty seconds.
Fake a tremor in your hand as you work.
Figure out what you are worst at: line, form, figure, perspective, colour, value and create a piece that is nothing but that aspect of art. Then create a piece that somehow leaves that aspect out or distorts it to magnify the flaws.
Use these exercises to focus on process and not results, until you can get into the flow state again. You will be succeeding if you make a pile of crap work, stuff that makes you laugh helplessly because it is so bad.
Those people are your art school were truly screwed up, anxiety making them savage towards other people, in the same way that scarcity makes us more tribal and more sectarian and more racist. They had a scarcity mentality that made them believe that any one else's success was a chance being snatched away from them. And you know what? They were correct to fear failure. They have ended up as hack artists who failed to achieve greatness, where 98% of the people in their community have no idea of what they do or who they are and would not stop for even a fraction of an instant to look at their work. Basically only their parents and best friends are telling them their work is good, if they are even still able to create.
Also, people like that aren't very happy. They loathe everybody, including themselves. They wanted to be artists more than they wanted to do art. They wanted admiration more than they wanted to create art. They wanted recognition more than they wanted to do art. They would actually be blissfully happy now if they were blind and surrounded every day by strangers talking in awed admiration about the art they once produced that they now can no longer produce or see.
By taking the attitude that they did they have shrunk the community of artists around them, and deprived themselves of the feedback loop of an artistic community where everyone inspires everyone else and the place seethes with creativity and new and original ideas. Now they will never be surrounded by people who admire art, value it, and inspired by what they do. Now they will never be surrounded by people who admire them and value, only the tiny bubble of people who feed their ego.
Do bad art. Pick the most unsuitable colours. It's going to look terrible. Yeah, but it is art. Model grotesques in clay. Challenge yourself to create the most boring painting you can come up with and then challenge yourself to out do yourself.
Start work with the intention of never finishing it. Immediately after finishing a canvas that was pretty good, scrape the paint smooth and start another painting on top of it.
The most talented artist of your generation is not doing art because they can't afford to and they have to earn an income somehow else. The most proficient artist of your generation has no life whatsoever because they can't stop producing art, burying their anxiety in obsessive practice. Five hundred years from now nothing any of you have produced will be remembered let alone the art produced by the people who went to your school. Art is ephemera. It's something you do, not something you create. Art is entrophic labour, not heroic labour.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:41 AM on November 22, 2021 [5 favorites]
Get the cheapest possible materials you can and use those - kindergarten crayons, dollar store paint, your oldest brushes that are not quite wrecked but too stiff to be easy to use. The end result will, of course, be crude. Embrace crude.
Do gestures - those drawings where you look at the thing you are drawing but never look down at the page so the lines all end up in the wrong place.
Experiment with expressionism, doing out of focus pictures.
Experiment with caricatures. Make a caricature of a still life and a caricature of a landscape and a caricature of a portrait.
Try to create works that look like they were done by a very young child.
Get a tiny sketchbook and put a timer on your phone. Every hour on the hour when the timer goes off grab your sketchbook and do a drawing that takes exactly sixty seconds.
Fake a tremor in your hand as you work.
Figure out what you are worst at: line, form, figure, perspective, colour, value and create a piece that is nothing but that aspect of art. Then create a piece that somehow leaves that aspect out or distorts it to magnify the flaws.
Use these exercises to focus on process and not results, until you can get into the flow state again. You will be succeeding if you make a pile of crap work, stuff that makes you laugh helplessly because it is so bad.
Those people are your art school were truly screwed up, anxiety making them savage towards other people, in the same way that scarcity makes us more tribal and more sectarian and more racist. They had a scarcity mentality that made them believe that any one else's success was a chance being snatched away from them. And you know what? They were correct to fear failure. They have ended up as hack artists who failed to achieve greatness, where 98% of the people in their community have no idea of what they do or who they are and would not stop for even a fraction of an instant to look at their work. Basically only their parents and best friends are telling them their work is good, if they are even still able to create.
Also, people like that aren't very happy. They loathe everybody, including themselves. They wanted to be artists more than they wanted to do art. They wanted admiration more than they wanted to create art. They wanted recognition more than they wanted to do art. They would actually be blissfully happy now if they were blind and surrounded every day by strangers talking in awed admiration about the art they once produced that they now can no longer produce or see.
By taking the attitude that they did they have shrunk the community of artists around them, and deprived themselves of the feedback loop of an artistic community where everyone inspires everyone else and the place seethes with creativity and new and original ideas. Now they will never be surrounded by people who admire art, value it, and inspired by what they do. Now they will never be surrounded by people who admire them and value, only the tiny bubble of people who feed their ego.
Do bad art. Pick the most unsuitable colours. It's going to look terrible. Yeah, but it is art. Model grotesques in clay. Challenge yourself to create the most boring painting you can come up with and then challenge yourself to out do yourself.
Start work with the intention of never finishing it. Immediately after finishing a canvas that was pretty good, scrape the paint smooth and start another painting on top of it.
The most talented artist of your generation is not doing art because they can't afford to and they have to earn an income somehow else. The most proficient artist of your generation has no life whatsoever because they can't stop producing art, burying their anxiety in obsessive practice. Five hundred years from now nothing any of you have produced will be remembered let alone the art produced by the people who went to your school. Art is ephemera. It's something you do, not something you create. Art is entrophic labour, not heroic labour.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:41 AM on November 22, 2021 [5 favorites]
You may have already tried this, but...
When I'm having a hard time sitting down to write, I go to therapy with my notebook and pen. We chat a bit about what I'm feeling, then I write for 5 minutes while my therapist sits with me. Then I read what I wrote and we talk about how it went, how I feel after doing it, etc.
An intervention like that isn't a cure, but I find there's something incredibly healing about trying to do the hard thing while a kind and compassionate person is in the room. And the next time I feel stuck, I try to summon up the kind and compassionate part of me, to sit with me gently and accept whatever words may come.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:19 AM on November 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
When I'm having a hard time sitting down to write, I go to therapy with my notebook and pen. We chat a bit about what I'm feeling, then I write for 5 minutes while my therapist sits with me. Then I read what I wrote and we talk about how it went, how I feel after doing it, etc.
An intervention like that isn't a cure, but I find there's something incredibly healing about trying to do the hard thing while a kind and compassionate person is in the room. And the next time I feel stuck, I try to summon up the kind and compassionate part of me, to sit with me gently and accept whatever words may come.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:19 AM on November 22, 2021 [2 favorites]
I would strongly suggest Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way - which deals with breaking through blocks. Lots of exercises - interesting ideas.
posted by mrmarley at 1:25 PM on November 22, 2021
posted by mrmarley at 1:25 PM on November 22, 2021
Best answer: Things that worked for me to break a pretty serious creative block caused by several things, among them a nasty writing group with a particularly mean instructor:
-cross-training the brain by taking up bad painting/art journaling. I still do this and love the fact that none of what I produce will ever be consumed or even seen by anybody else. It's between me and my creative deities.
-laying off anything related to instruction or critique of my work for as long as I wanted to, and focussing, for a short period every day on producing a certain amount of deliberately crappy stuff. I embraced the Julia Cameron-esque mantra of taking care of the quantity and letting the Universe take care of the quality for a certain short period every day. You don't need anybody else's judgement when you've got so much of your own on hand!
-reframing that short period as "play" rather than "art," and just allowing myself to noodle around with paint and brush or pen and paper or whatever. I used a pomodoro timer to define the time and make sure I never kept at it behind the point of feeling good. After a short time, I found I usually wanted to go longer, but I forced myself to walk away and only allow more time in increments.
-when I finally felt like writing again, I started by finding the worst crap I could and then seeing if I could rewrite the most egregious passages to make them even worse.
-eventually trying new techniques like dictating parts of my first drafts into a text-to-speech programme, or handwriting on paper etc..
-re-doing the exercises in The Artist's Way, as mentioned above, and eventually working through Julia Cameron's even more detailed book, Vein of Cold.
I really hope you get some relief from this and get things flowing again. As other's have pointed out, there is a lot of value in freeing your creativity, if only--or maybe especially--for yourself.
posted by rpfields at 2:50 PM on November 22, 2021 [4 favorites]
-cross-training the brain by taking up bad painting/art journaling. I still do this and love the fact that none of what I produce will ever be consumed or even seen by anybody else. It's between me and my creative deities.
-laying off anything related to instruction or critique of my work for as long as I wanted to, and focussing, for a short period every day on producing a certain amount of deliberately crappy stuff. I embraced the Julia Cameron-esque mantra of taking care of the quantity and letting the Universe take care of the quality for a certain short period every day. You don't need anybody else's judgement when you've got so much of your own on hand!
-reframing that short period as "play" rather than "art," and just allowing myself to noodle around with paint and brush or pen and paper or whatever. I used a pomodoro timer to define the time and make sure I never kept at it behind the point of feeling good. After a short time, I found I usually wanted to go longer, but I forced myself to walk away and only allow more time in increments.
-when I finally felt like writing again, I started by finding the worst crap I could and then seeing if I could rewrite the most egregious passages to make them even worse.
-eventually trying new techniques like dictating parts of my first drafts into a text-to-speech programme, or handwriting on paper etc..
-re-doing the exercises in The Artist's Way, as mentioned above, and eventually working through Julia Cameron's even more detailed book, Vein of Cold.
I really hope you get some relief from this and get things flowing again. As other's have pointed out, there is a lot of value in freeing your creativity, if only--or maybe especially--for yourself.
posted by rpfields at 2:50 PM on November 22, 2021 [4 favorites]
Whoa.
Okay, if you're actively working in design and being paid, you're probably not a "wreck." (Most, if not all places, would not pity-hire a person: they'd just not hire the person).
Do you appreciate illustrators/artists like Saul Steinberg ("a writer who could draw,") or Maurice Sendak? Can you start with "low stakes" pieces every morning as morning meditations to warm up- Work intentionally created to move your body/familiarize yourself with a work-set-up, and not test your total value, or total technical/compositional skills?
"I've always been a perfectionist and I've always battled depression and anxiety. But I was these things before I went to university, and I was silly and playful and creative and always growing and discovering-" Whether in common culture we admit it or not, most people have these qualities on a spectrum. They're expressed or exercised in different ways.
Whatever the case, you need to reprogram or re-familiarize yourself with the studio environment and the process: this largely means re associating the values of making and creation. This environment should NEVER, EVER* make you feel badly about yourself! It should be one of the most deeply happy surroundings that you know.
I'm very sorry this is happening. There's definitely a way out.
I am trying to think of specifically helpful references (I'll probably return after posting), but there are so many artists who have collections of abstract or playful pieces in contrast with more serious, technical/influential work. I'd suggest finding a best match and perhaps warming up with some copies of master pieces or similar.
It isn't hopeless, you sound quite rusty and like some movement and re-association of values will shake out the dormancy.
If one hour of teaching takes twenty for processing, is it possible to find ten minute videos and re-arrange or re-evaluate your process? At the very least, if it takes a couple hours to re-imagine a typically ten minute process, it's a more workable time frame to re-format and adjust appropriately.
Whatever the case, you sound like a person who is going through what many others are perceiving in our current age. Start small and light, and begin to work yourself out. The rust will subside before you know it.
Lastly, all art schools differ. If you'd like a great caricature of art in academia, look at Jim Jinkins "Doug" (Nickelodeon animation, Douglas Yancy Funny), and search for shorts or cuts of Judy Funny. Were these some of the people judging your work? How seriously do you take them, now?
Creative colleges are often what people make them (like any), their influence or opinion is not the be all, end all of your work- it may be that the setting wasn't suited to your work at the time.
posted by firstdaffodils at 7:58 PM on November 23, 2021 [1 favorite]
Okay, if you're actively working in design and being paid, you're probably not a "wreck." (Most, if not all places, would not pity-hire a person: they'd just not hire the person).
Do you appreciate illustrators/artists like Saul Steinberg ("a writer who could draw,") or Maurice Sendak? Can you start with "low stakes" pieces every morning as morning meditations to warm up- Work intentionally created to move your body/familiarize yourself with a work-set-up, and not test your total value, or total technical/compositional skills?
"I've always been a perfectionist and I've always battled depression and anxiety. But I was these things before I went to university, and I was silly and playful and creative and always growing and discovering-" Whether in common culture we admit it or not, most people have these qualities on a spectrum. They're expressed or exercised in different ways.
Whatever the case, you need to reprogram or re-familiarize yourself with the studio environment and the process: this largely means re associating the values of making and creation. This environment should NEVER, EVER* make you feel badly about yourself! It should be one of the most deeply happy surroundings that you know.
I'm very sorry this is happening. There's definitely a way out.
I am trying to think of specifically helpful references (I'll probably return after posting), but there are so many artists who have collections of abstract or playful pieces in contrast with more serious, technical/influential work. I'd suggest finding a best match and perhaps warming up with some copies of master pieces or similar.
It isn't hopeless, you sound quite rusty and like some movement and re-association of values will shake out the dormancy.
If one hour of teaching takes twenty for processing, is it possible to find ten minute videos and re-arrange or re-evaluate your process? At the very least, if it takes a couple hours to re-imagine a typically ten minute process, it's a more workable time frame to re-format and adjust appropriately.
Whatever the case, you sound like a person who is going through what many others are perceiving in our current age. Start small and light, and begin to work yourself out. The rust will subside before you know it.
Lastly, all art schools differ. If you'd like a great caricature of art in academia, look at Jim Jinkins "Doug" (Nickelodeon animation, Douglas Yancy Funny), and search for shorts or cuts of Judy Funny. Were these some of the people judging your work? How seriously do you take them, now?
Creative colleges are often what people make them (like any), their influence or opinion is not the be all, end all of your work- it may be that the setting wasn't suited to your work at the time.
posted by firstdaffodils at 7:58 PM on November 23, 2021 [1 favorite]
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posted by cotton dress sock at 3:40 PM on November 21, 2021 [9 favorites]