Any advice for maintaining friendships as a highly sensitive person
November 4, 2021 3:11 PM Subscribe
I have a growing awareness that I am much more sensitive than other people. I think I have very high standards for how I treat others, but I have those high expectations for how I am treated, and that can be very challenging in the friendship realm! I lose trust in others rather easily; for example, if they lie or display very self-serving behavior or want a lot of favors. Does anyone have any advice for how I can improve the situation so it will be easier for me to make and keep friends? Increasingly I have noticed that I have been avoiding making any new friends.
One of my strategies is to not have very high expectations of my friends. I'm not saying I let them ask for the moon or stay friends if they lie about something of consequence or otherwise seem unethical. But I do try to accept them for the fallible people they are, with physical and mental health limitations just like me. If there are aspects of my friends that are different preferences and interests, I let them pursue those interests with other friends. So, basically, I start from a place of wondering if doing something low-stakes might be fun with that person, and take it from there.
I'm also learning to get a little more comfortable saying no to requests or offers that don't suit. Admittedly still not great at it despite years of therapy, but knowing I'm a little better at it makes me more confident that I'll be able to deal with requests that don't work for me. Friends do make many things better, though, so go you for trying to make some new ones!
posted by ldthomps at 3:31 PM on November 4, 2021 [11 favorites]
I'm also learning to get a little more comfortable saying no to requests or offers that don't suit. Admittedly still not great at it despite years of therapy, but knowing I'm a little better at it makes me more confident that I'll be able to deal with requests that don't work for me. Friends do make many things better, though, so go you for trying to make some new ones!
posted by ldthomps at 3:31 PM on November 4, 2021 [11 favorites]
It seems to me that it it very hard to judge how sensitive other people are. We all have different ways of handling our sensitivity, so maybe someone who is in fact very sensitive may seem harsh, because they keep the world at an arms-length. That may even apply to you.
In my experience, very, very few people lie, or display self serving behaviors or want favors. Most people just want to get along and have the best life they can. Maybe you are unlucky to be in an unusual social situation where unlikeable people are in the majority? In that case, it might be an idea to pursue a new interest, where you can meet different people -- it could be anything from cos-playing to knitting or running.
On the other hand, I have recently gotten to know a person who keeps on running into horrible people. It's not their fault. They are honest and good natured. But there is perhaps a paradox that because they have experienced terrible things in their youth, they are less likely to engage with and trust regular nice people, and more likely to engage with manipulative people, even as they obviously meet most normal people. I could perhaps explain this, but I would need to think about it for a while, with my therapist.
posted by mumimor at 3:55 PM on November 4, 2021 [9 favorites]
In my experience, very, very few people lie, or display self serving behaviors or want favors. Most people just want to get along and have the best life they can. Maybe you are unlucky to be in an unusual social situation where unlikeable people are in the majority? In that case, it might be an idea to pursue a new interest, where you can meet different people -- it could be anything from cos-playing to knitting or running.
On the other hand, I have recently gotten to know a person who keeps on running into horrible people. It's not their fault. They are honest and good natured. But there is perhaps a paradox that because they have experienced terrible things in their youth, they are less likely to engage with and trust regular nice people, and more likely to engage with manipulative people, even as they obviously meet most normal people. I could perhaps explain this, but I would need to think about it for a while, with my therapist.
posted by mumimor at 3:55 PM on November 4, 2021 [9 favorites]
I think I have very high standards for how I treat others
This statement gets to the point of it for me. Have you ever asked people if you actually are meeting their standards? Have you explicitly communicated your standards to people before they failed to live up to them? Most people don't. I'm not suggesting you treat other people poorly, just that you are treating them well by your own subjective definition of "very high standards". I think most people (except really anti-social people) think that they treat other people well. This includes the annoying and inconsiderate people you seem to keep encountering. I feel you.
I am a "sensitive" person who also avoids people because ffs they are generally not meeting my standards even a little.
Two things have helped me when I feel particularly prickly:
1. To remind myself that people aren't obligated to meet my standards any more than I'm obligated to meet theirs.
2. To be kinder to people as mumimor suggested. Most people are actually doing the best they can most of the time.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:11 PM on November 4, 2021 [11 favorites]
This statement gets to the point of it for me. Have you ever asked people if you actually are meeting their standards? Have you explicitly communicated your standards to people before they failed to live up to them? Most people don't. I'm not suggesting you treat other people poorly, just that you are treating them well by your own subjective definition of "very high standards". I think most people (except really anti-social people) think that they treat other people well. This includes the annoying and inconsiderate people you seem to keep encountering. I feel you.
I am a "sensitive" person who also avoids people because ffs they are generally not meeting my standards even a little.
Two things have helped me when I feel particularly prickly:
1. To remind myself that people aren't obligated to meet my standards any more than I'm obligated to meet theirs.
2. To be kinder to people as mumimor suggested. Most people are actually doing the best they can most of the time.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:11 PM on November 4, 2021 [11 favorites]
I'd also question if you have a very binary view of friends vs. not friends when it can be more of a spectrum.
Like, some people may be fun party people or hobby group or fandom friends. And that's all they can be for you. If you want them to be empathetic listeners or someone who takes care of you in need, they'll inevitably disappoint you.
And that's okay, surely? You can hang out with them, have fun together and not expect more. The caring and sharing comes with intimate friendships and for those it's good to have higher standards. But maybe you also need to have a variety of standards for a variety of friends.
The other thing is, you may lose trust easily when you see self serving behaviour because you sense that you won't be able to protect yourself if it's directed at you. If you find it hard to draw a casual boundary when someone is pushy/mooches etc. then you'll find yourself completely withdrawing from a person in alarm and disgust as soon as you see the slightest signs of it. It's protective behaviour for those of us who are not good at self confidence. Working on drawing boundaries might help you feel less threatened.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:13 PM on November 4, 2021 [12 favorites]
Like, some people may be fun party people or hobby group or fandom friends. And that's all they can be for you. If you want them to be empathetic listeners or someone who takes care of you in need, they'll inevitably disappoint you.
And that's okay, surely? You can hang out with them, have fun together and not expect more. The caring and sharing comes with intimate friendships and for those it's good to have higher standards. But maybe you also need to have a variety of standards for a variety of friends.
The other thing is, you may lose trust easily when you see self serving behaviour because you sense that you won't be able to protect yourself if it's directed at you. If you find it hard to draw a casual boundary when someone is pushy/mooches etc. then you'll find yourself completely withdrawing from a person in alarm and disgust as soon as you see the slightest signs of it. It's protective behaviour for those of us who are not good at self confidence. Working on drawing boundaries might help you feel less threatened.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:13 PM on November 4, 2021 [12 favorites]
Most people are intelligent and sensitive.
This seems a bit like the adage where people suggest finding others with like trauma.
Find people with like sensitivity.
posted by firstdaffodils at 5:24 PM on November 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
This seems a bit like the adage where people suggest finding others with like trauma.
Find people with like sensitivity.
posted by firstdaffodils at 5:24 PM on November 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
if they lie or display very self-serving behavior or want a lot of favors
These are sound reasons for not wanting to be friends with someone. I don't know you, and it's impossible for me to assess your situation based only on what you wrote, but I think it's a possibility you're not being too sensitive or exacting at all, that perhaps you're merely expecting making and keeping friends to be more fail safe than it is. So I'm going to give you advice based on the supposition that this is where you're coming from.
Reliable, compatible people aren't a dime a dozen. Even once you find them, it takes time to build a friendship, and even then, realistically speaking, not every friendship will last -- people change and/or drift apart because of life circumstances. Even the best, most personable people I know sometimes have issues with their friends or occasionally have a friendship implode on them. If you're having and have always had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends regardless of what the setting is (i.e., at work, at school, everywhere you move), then it's probably time to do some self-reflection and to make changes in your mindset and behaviour, but the occasional conflict with/loss of a friend is normal and to be expected.
Friendships should be equitable, and involve mutual effort and care. Always keep in mind that you have to give people room to decide both whether they want to be friends with you, and how close of friend they want to be, and that it's not your job to make them behave decently. To make friends, be open to friendly overtures from people you like, and meet them halfway if you're interested. If you've been the one to make the first few overtures, wait for the other person to respond, and if they don't, move on. When you have connected with someone, let things evolve naturally and don't try too hard to make things work. And cut people loose if they refuse to treat you with basic courtesy and respect and/or if you're routinely having a lot of conflict -- one of my closest friends calls this "pruning the friendship tree".
To extend that "friendship tree" metaphor, remember that even the healthiest, most flourishing trees take work to maintain, and will bear some bad fruit or dead branches sometimes, and that doesn't make you a bad gardener -- you'd only be a bad gardener if you didn't lop off those unsafe dead branches before you or someone else got hurt.
posted by orange swan at 7:21 PM on November 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
These are sound reasons for not wanting to be friends with someone. I don't know you, and it's impossible for me to assess your situation based only on what you wrote, but I think it's a possibility you're not being too sensitive or exacting at all, that perhaps you're merely expecting making and keeping friends to be more fail safe than it is. So I'm going to give you advice based on the supposition that this is where you're coming from.
Reliable, compatible people aren't a dime a dozen. Even once you find them, it takes time to build a friendship, and even then, realistically speaking, not every friendship will last -- people change and/or drift apart because of life circumstances. Even the best, most personable people I know sometimes have issues with their friends or occasionally have a friendship implode on them. If you're having and have always had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends regardless of what the setting is (i.e., at work, at school, everywhere you move), then it's probably time to do some self-reflection and to make changes in your mindset and behaviour, but the occasional conflict with/loss of a friend is normal and to be expected.
Friendships should be equitable, and involve mutual effort and care. Always keep in mind that you have to give people room to decide both whether they want to be friends with you, and how close of friend they want to be, and that it's not your job to make them behave decently. To make friends, be open to friendly overtures from people you like, and meet them halfway if you're interested. If you've been the one to make the first few overtures, wait for the other person to respond, and if they don't, move on. When you have connected with someone, let things evolve naturally and don't try too hard to make things work. And cut people loose if they refuse to treat you with basic courtesy and respect and/or if you're routinely having a lot of conflict -- one of my closest friends calls this "pruning the friendship tree".
To extend that "friendship tree" metaphor, remember that even the healthiest, most flourishing trees take work to maintain, and will bear some bad fruit or dead branches sometimes, and that doesn't make you a bad gardener -- you'd only be a bad gardener if you didn't lop off those unsafe dead branches before you or someone else got hurt.
posted by orange swan at 7:21 PM on November 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
If you avoid people when they do something that bothers you rather than engage with them about what would work better, that’s a hidden boundary issue. If there’s no room for people to make mistakes without you getting hurt and backing away, you’re probably missing opportunities to set boundaries and take responsibility for your own experience and emotions in relationships.
posted by spindrifter at 5:19 AM on November 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 5:19 AM on November 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
I believe you that you are highly sensitive but I am not sure that the thing you describe (high exacting standards for yourself and for friends) is a function of sensitivity, exactly. It sounds more like you are coming from a place of traumatic or dysfunctional relationships and have kind of overcorrected to protect yourself from being used, deceived, or betrayed.
As mumimor notes above, most people truly don't intend you any harm. They are imperfect people dealing with an iceberg worth of stuff, of which you see only the tip. And the same is true of you of course!
I don't know that there's a quick fix, and making friends is often difficult regardless. But digging into your past a bit and trying to see why you feel this way about friendship might be the place to start.
-What are my standards, specifically? List them all out.
-Are these proactive standards (things that follow from my values)? Or reactive standards (someone did that to me once and I never want it to happen again)? Or standards I picked up from someone else, like a parent or a partner?
-What, specifically, have people done that I found unacceptable? How, specifically, did it make me feel when they did that?
-How have these high standards served me in the past? Are they still serving me, or are they holding me back?
-I know what feelings and experiences I'm trying to avoid. But what feelings and experiences am I trying to HAVE? Do I truly know?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:57 AM on November 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
As mumimor notes above, most people truly don't intend you any harm. They are imperfect people dealing with an iceberg worth of stuff, of which you see only the tip. And the same is true of you of course!
I don't know that there's a quick fix, and making friends is often difficult regardless. But digging into your past a bit and trying to see why you feel this way about friendship might be the place to start.
-What are my standards, specifically? List them all out.
-Are these proactive standards (things that follow from my values)? Or reactive standards (someone did that to me once and I never want it to happen again)? Or standards I picked up from someone else, like a parent or a partner?
-What, specifically, have people done that I found unacceptable? How, specifically, did it make me feel when they did that?
-How have these high standards served me in the past? Are they still serving me, or are they holding me back?
-I know what feelings and experiences I'm trying to avoid. But what feelings and experiences am I trying to HAVE? Do I truly know?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:57 AM on November 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
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Also, I would probably recommend trauma therapy if your high standards come from trauma like mine do. And if you don't have trauma that you know of, therapy would still be a great place to unpack why you do this, and what other options might feel good.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:17 PM on November 4, 2021 [5 favorites]