For a friend with a terminal illness - need resources

September 9, 2021 8:07 AM

Looking for any videos or books with a calming effect to help them transition without fear. Maybe documentaries about people who have their lives videotaped till the end, how they face death with courage, books that explain the process with a spiritual (NOT CHRISTIAN) perspective, practical advice coming from those who work in hospice is also appreciated. They are facing a disease that can quicken at any time and there is no cure. Thank you.
posted by watercarrier to Health & Fitness (11 answers total)

If they have the resources to even briefly work with a death doula, that can be really constructive. If they are in a formal hospice/palliative care situation they may have access to one or a similar end-of-life counselor. The Hospice Foundation and Death with Dignity organization have additional resources.

Assuming your friend has a little bit of a sense of humor, the most highly-visible resource is Caitlin Doughty and team at Ask A Mortician and their Order of the Good Death and Death Positivity movement. AAM has done many videos on end of life care, death care alternatives, death doulas, and other materials promoting the idea of a "good death." Doughty has also written several books on her experience and the cultural contexts of death and dying.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:00 AM on September 9, 2021 [8 favorites]

I recommend checking out Death Doulas. There are a variety of resources on their site, as well as a directory of doulas that might be near you/your friend.
posted by hydra77 at 9:00 AM on September 9, 2021 [3 favorites]

How to Die in Oregon is a tremendously moving film that follows a few folks who are facing terminal illness and who chose to use Oregon's Death With Dignity Act. It chronicles the process of their increasing illness and coming to terms with the end of life. It's very moving and I found Cody's story especially reassuring that the end of life need not be frightening, but a loving and peaceful experience when one has control over what's happening at the end.
posted by hollisimo at 9:37 AM on September 9, 2021 [2 favorites]

Roshi Joan Halifax has many works that are very good on the subject. Being With Dying is the most relevant; it's pitched at caregivers but is supposed to be good for people in your friend's situation as well.
posted by supercres at 10:16 AM on September 9, 2021

Have you read Michael Pollan's How to Change Your Mind? I haven't yet, but heard an interview the other day where he said that he started working on the book after reading a study about terminal cancer patients taking psychedelics and gaining surprising acceptance of their situation because of the experience. I assume he covers this in the book. I think there are clinics where patients can be guided through taking the drugs now, though I don't know the details.
posted by pinochiette at 10:45 AM on September 9, 2021 [4 favorites]

Bob's Choice (Bob was a Christian but that is not the focus of the video).
posted by Balthamos at 11:20 AM on September 9, 2021

This booklet A Time to Live - Living with a Life Threatening Illness by Barbara Karnes might help.
posted by goodsearch at 12:39 PM on September 9, 2021 [2 favorites]

I forgot to also mention Atul Gawande's Being Mortal, which talks about medical care's overlap with end of life care, I guess you'd call it. It's partly targeted at medical professionals who tend to focus on treatment at the expense of quality of life, and at both professionals and patients who don't know they should be having ongoing conversations about everyone's actual QOL goals and how to have those conversations.

He's a very warm, human-focused writer, and there are lots of case studies or profiles of patients/families navigating that process.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:11 PM on September 9, 2021 [4 favorites]

I want to mention that one resource that was very helpful to my dad when he was dying and in hospice care was getting access to anti-anxiety medication. The idea of dying is scary to a lot of us. If your friend is not already on medication for that, he or she should consider discussing it with the appropriate folks to help avoid unnecessary suffering. You are a good friend, thanks for your service.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:13 PM on September 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

If or when I have any advance notice of my life drawing to a close, Ram Dass is going to be my main resource.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:03 AM on September 10, 2021 [2 favorites]

'Go Gentle', a documentary on Amazon prime features an extraordinarily articulate 90 year old woman during the last two months of her life.
posted by lois1950 at 9:52 PM on September 10, 2021 [1 favorite]