Coping with dad's illness and mom's caregiving style
August 3, 2021 12:48 PM Subscribe
I would welcome any ideas for ways to cope with a parent’s sudden illness, particularly for adjusting mentally/emotionally to their new condition and managing flashbacks of their worst days and symptoms. Additionally, I would appreciate any strategies for navigating differences in caregiving style with my mother, who is doing her best, but has a less patient and empathetic approach to providing care.
My father has been very ill for the last few months and recently returned home after a long hospitalization. I spent weeks with him at the hospital after not seeing him for almost 2 years due to the pandemic. It has been tough to adjust to seeing my typically sharp and active father now confused, weak, and in pain. When we were last together we walked around the museum for hours and worked in the yard. Now he can barely lift himself out of bed. It all happened so suddenly.
Although he is home and doing better now, I am still having a hard time with his new condition and often have “flashbacks” to his worst days in the hospital. I am in my 30s and this is my first experience with an ill parent. I live clear across the country and recently returned home after staying with him for a few months. I will be going back in a couple of weeks.
I would welcome any ideas for ways to cope, particularly for adjusting mentally to his new condition and managing flashbacks and constant worry. I am functioning ok, but sometimes out of nowhere, I will picture him in his ill condition and start to well up inside. I am typically very stoic.
Additionally, it has been challenging for me to deal with my mother’s style of caregiving. I know she is burned out and she has done so much. We have had limited in-home personal care services. When I was there I did my best to relieve her and she was appreciative. But she has always made it clear that she despises caregiving. (This is not new, I could tell even as a child). The result of this now is she acts exasperated and sometimes angry as we care for my dad. I know she is not angry with him, but just the situation and the amount of work.
For example, one day when he wouldn’t get out of bed for an appointment, she raised her voice and threw back the covers. She told him he was making it harder for her because he wouldn’t cooperate. My approach was to pat his back and try to be gentle with him, knowing he is just tired and weak. She was visibly annoyed with my approach and said “we don’t have all day.” She left the room and I managed to bring him out 15 minutes later. This is typical- I dote on him and she pushes him. He feels guilty and unnecessarily apologizes all the time and she reassures him its not his fault, she’s just tired. I know she is and I appreciate all she has done. But her pushy style adds tension and negativity to the situation that I find stressful. They have a good marriage and the house is usually tension free.
As I prepare to go back for another couple of months, I would also be grateful for any suggestions on how to navigate the caregiving differences with my mother. We’re a close family and I know she is doing the best she can. (He is too.)
Finally, I’ll note that therapy is not an option at this time. Thanks again.
My father has been very ill for the last few months and recently returned home after a long hospitalization. I spent weeks with him at the hospital after not seeing him for almost 2 years due to the pandemic. It has been tough to adjust to seeing my typically sharp and active father now confused, weak, and in pain. When we were last together we walked around the museum for hours and worked in the yard. Now he can barely lift himself out of bed. It all happened so suddenly.
Although he is home and doing better now, I am still having a hard time with his new condition and often have “flashbacks” to his worst days in the hospital. I am in my 30s and this is my first experience with an ill parent. I live clear across the country and recently returned home after staying with him for a few months. I will be going back in a couple of weeks.
I would welcome any ideas for ways to cope, particularly for adjusting mentally to his new condition and managing flashbacks and constant worry. I am functioning ok, but sometimes out of nowhere, I will picture him in his ill condition and start to well up inside. I am typically very stoic.
Additionally, it has been challenging for me to deal with my mother’s style of caregiving. I know she is burned out and she has done so much. We have had limited in-home personal care services. When I was there I did my best to relieve her and she was appreciative. But she has always made it clear that she despises caregiving. (This is not new, I could tell even as a child). The result of this now is she acts exasperated and sometimes angry as we care for my dad. I know she is not angry with him, but just the situation and the amount of work.
For example, one day when he wouldn’t get out of bed for an appointment, she raised her voice and threw back the covers. She told him he was making it harder for her because he wouldn’t cooperate. My approach was to pat his back and try to be gentle with him, knowing he is just tired and weak. She was visibly annoyed with my approach and said “we don’t have all day.” She left the room and I managed to bring him out 15 minutes later. This is typical- I dote on him and she pushes him. He feels guilty and unnecessarily apologizes all the time and she reassures him its not his fault, she’s just tired. I know she is and I appreciate all she has done. But her pushy style adds tension and negativity to the situation that I find stressful. They have a good marriage and the house is usually tension free.
As I prepare to go back for another couple of months, I would also be grateful for any suggestions on how to navigate the caregiving differences with my mother. We’re a close family and I know she is doing the best she can. (He is too.)
Finally, I’ll note that therapy is not an option at this time. Thanks again.
Would it be possible for your mother to go stay with a friend or relative (or just go on a solo vacation) for two weeks or so when you go back to be there for your dad? Obviously Covid complicates this, but what sticks out to me is there you’ve been able to have time away and it sounds like she hasn’t.
A break probably won’t turn her into a patient angel of a caretaker, though. And that’s probably ok! Just like parenting, there’s room for various approaches that aren’t right or wrong, just different. To some extent, I think you need to let your mom caretake her way unless you’re concerned for abuse or neglect. When you go back, could you divide up responsibility to avoid conflict when your styles are at odds? Like, she gets him ready for appointments and you help get him out of the car and into your destination, you help him with meals while she does more of the food prep, whatever makes sense.
posted by MadamM at 3:04 PM on August 3, 2021 [7 favorites]
A break probably won’t turn her into a patient angel of a caretaker, though. And that’s probably ok! Just like parenting, there’s room for various approaches that aren’t right or wrong, just different. To some extent, I think you need to let your mom caretake her way unless you’re concerned for abuse or neglect. When you go back, could you divide up responsibility to avoid conflict when your styles are at odds? Like, she gets him ready for appointments and you help get him out of the car and into your destination, you help him with meals while she does more of the food prep, whatever makes sense.
posted by MadamM at 3:04 PM on August 3, 2021 [7 favorites]
I'm so sorry to hear your dad is sick. You must be grieving the loss of the dad you knew. It sounds like you need a space to process your emotions. If therapy isn't an option, do you have a friend who's good at listening? Can you keep a journal? Does exercise help you? Being "stoic" means that those unexamined emotions are going to keep coming up at inopportune times. Create an opportune time for them to have some space instead.
posted by equipoise at 3:08 PM on August 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by equipoise at 3:08 PM on August 3, 2021 [1 favorite]
I don't have much to offer except sympathy, I'm sorry.
Make sure to take advantage of any possible in-home assistance that is available. I don't mean caregivers, but visiting nurses for dressing changes and lab work, physical therapists for general strengthening, any home rehab program that is offered. Those will minimize out-of-house trips and will hopefully model useful techniques for helping your dad.
posted by SLC Mom at 3:43 PM on August 3, 2021
Make sure to take advantage of any possible in-home assistance that is available. I don't mean caregivers, but visiting nurses for dressing changes and lab work, physical therapists for general strengthening, any home rehab program that is offered. Those will minimize out-of-house trips and will hopefully model useful techniques for helping your dad.
posted by SLC Mom at 3:43 PM on August 3, 2021
Definitely look into respite care to give your mother a break. No one can successfully care for another person 24/7. I would also look into whether you can outsource some of the tasks that she may not like. Does she dislike cleaning? Can they afford a cleaner? What about someone to cook healthy meals for them, or getting takeout from a restaurant that meets their dietary needs (but is also delicious?)
Does your father have any friends who might come over to keep him company/watch sports/play cards or board games once a week? Is that something he might enjoy?
Also, I know that attention is often focused on the more seriously ill family member, but please don't forget your mother's situation or her needs. She is going from having a good marriage with an equal to having to perform caretaking tasks that she doesn't enjoy. Instead of only making your father's condition and illness, or even your mother's role in it, your sole focus, focus on your mother as a person. If she likes certain books in a series, discuss them with her, or if there's a show you can all watch, do a group watch over Netflix or something.
For yourself, if therapy isn't an option, maybe you can find a support group for children of ill parents, or talk with a chaplain. This is a very stressful situation for you, too.
posted by dancing_angel at 5:43 PM on August 3, 2021 [4 favorites]
Does your father have any friends who might come over to keep him company/watch sports/play cards or board games once a week? Is that something he might enjoy?
Also, I know that attention is often focused on the more seriously ill family member, but please don't forget your mother's situation or her needs. She is going from having a good marriage with an equal to having to perform caretaking tasks that she doesn't enjoy. Instead of only making your father's condition and illness, or even your mother's role in it, your sole focus, focus on your mother as a person. If she likes certain books in a series, discuss them with her, or if there's a show you can all watch, do a group watch over Netflix or something.
For yourself, if therapy isn't an option, maybe you can find a support group for children of ill parents, or talk with a chaplain. This is a very stressful situation for you, too.
posted by dancing_angel at 5:43 PM on August 3, 2021 [4 favorites]
Do your parents have a faith community of any kind? Even here in my state, whose residents are among the least likely in the US to have a formal religious affiliation, I can cite friends (and friends of friends) who've found helping hands through their faith community. Somebody could sit and talk or play cards with your dad -- it would provide your dad some company. They could run errands for your mom -- it would give her a break from having to do everything 24-7.
The same goes if your dad belonged to a civic group such as Rotary or the Lions, etc. When my father had triple bypass surgery, his friends in the Lions helped stack firewood for the winter at my parents' house.
posted by virago at 9:06 PM on August 3, 2021
The same goes if your dad belonged to a civic group such as Rotary or the Lions, etc. When my father had triple bypass surgery, his friends in the Lions helped stack firewood for the winter at my parents' house.
posted by virago at 9:06 PM on August 3, 2021
I'm going through parental grief too. My dad is mentally "gone" now but physically present. It happened this year and I was in a state of shock because I didn't see it coming. I was in such a state of shock that, for the first time in my life, I had to take medication to cope because I had a constant, rising panic. I couldn't deal with it. At times it was as if I had also left my own body. It made me realise everything I took for granted in terms of what my foundations were. It also frightened me that eveything could suddenly and unexpectedly change for the worse in such a short space of time.
Previously, I never thought about death and never had such enormous fears about what might be around the corner. That changed.
I became very worried for my mum and I couldn't stop thinking about what might happen to her. I still can't. It's like being followed by a cloud. I am permanently changed by it. I see "potential illness" everywhere and in everyone.
Life can be deeply unfair. I knew that before, but I really know it now.
All I can say is to let yourself grieve and to know that in time you will adjust to this "new normal". Accept all of your feelings. Journal. Take space too. You are allowed to still carry on and "enjoy" something even though your dad is not well. It's not a betrayal. You can't suffer for him. Taking space is not just about physical space, it's about mental and emotional space. You need an internal space that is your own so you don't lose yourself. You are still a person.
I would strongly advise you to carry on doing things, making things, watching anything "light" (it took a while before I could watch anything remotely dramatic).
I also want to add that your mother is grieving. She is likely in a state of denial and trying to get things back to normal. In time she will come to also accept the new normal. I encourage you to help her settle into it at her own pace but remind her that putting her frustration onto him makes it harder for everyone. If she is living with him, she needs assistance. It's too much for her to carry this on her own.
Feel free to DM me if you wish.
Please take care.
X
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 2:08 AM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
Previously, I never thought about death and never had such enormous fears about what might be around the corner. That changed.
I became very worried for my mum and I couldn't stop thinking about what might happen to her. I still can't. It's like being followed by a cloud. I am permanently changed by it. I see "potential illness" everywhere and in everyone.
Life can be deeply unfair. I knew that before, but I really know it now.
All I can say is to let yourself grieve and to know that in time you will adjust to this "new normal". Accept all of your feelings. Journal. Take space too. You are allowed to still carry on and "enjoy" something even though your dad is not well. It's not a betrayal. You can't suffer for him. Taking space is not just about physical space, it's about mental and emotional space. You need an internal space that is your own so you don't lose yourself. You are still a person.
I would strongly advise you to carry on doing things, making things, watching anything "light" (it took a while before I could watch anything remotely dramatic).
I also want to add that your mother is grieving. She is likely in a state of denial and trying to get things back to normal. In time she will come to also accept the new normal. I encourage you to help her settle into it at her own pace but remind her that putting her frustration onto him makes it harder for everyone. If she is living with him, she needs assistance. It's too much for her to carry this on her own.
Feel free to DM me if you wish.
Please take care.
X
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 2:08 AM on August 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
My mum has very similar issues alongside mental illness and my dad had a massive aneurysm, and I do feel your question.
For my particular parents, before his injury I asked my dad if he thought he’d be okay in retirement (because for me being with my mother all day would mess me up) and he said, quite genuinely, that he wanted to spend his retirement making her happy. While my codependent radar rang alarms, I realized…he genuinely meant it. He picked my mum, stayed with her, and has a completely different relationship. That fact has caused me some grief in life but…for him, he really does do okay with her, ah, issues.
So I would try to separate out experiences here. I would imagine for you, this brings up a lot of feelings of your own, legitimate ones, because as kids we have to depend on our parents to care for us. That’s okay and you deserve support - and long walks and journaling and zoning out in front of Netflix. If you can do the bulk of the care when she’s not there - take the nights or set her up a spot in a guest room to hang out alone - that might help. Build in breaks where you go out, see if you can get your own self care routine there by booking some yoga classes or art show tickets or game at a friend’s or whatever.
For your dad, if he’s okay with your mother’s manner (and still having his needs met) then this is between them. If he needs different care you could advocate but from the small amount of info here I don’t get that vibe.
For your mum yeah, she needs breaks, and room for her feelings too. A caregiver support group might help. I wonder if you and she can develop a code phrase like “I’ve got this!” For who takes the lead and then the other person can back off unless asked - that way you both get a bit of breathing room in those moments. Different styles are ok.
But definitely build time for your feelings in, they are legit.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:19 AM on August 4, 2021
For my particular parents, before his injury I asked my dad if he thought he’d be okay in retirement (because for me being with my mother all day would mess me up) and he said, quite genuinely, that he wanted to spend his retirement making her happy. While my codependent radar rang alarms, I realized…he genuinely meant it. He picked my mum, stayed with her, and has a completely different relationship. That fact has caused me some grief in life but…for him, he really does do okay with her, ah, issues.
So I would try to separate out experiences here. I would imagine for you, this brings up a lot of feelings of your own, legitimate ones, because as kids we have to depend on our parents to care for us. That’s okay and you deserve support - and long walks and journaling and zoning out in front of Netflix. If you can do the bulk of the care when she’s not there - take the nights or set her up a spot in a guest room to hang out alone - that might help. Build in breaks where you go out, see if you can get your own self care routine there by booking some yoga classes or art show tickets or game at a friend’s or whatever.
For your dad, if he’s okay with your mother’s manner (and still having his needs met) then this is between them. If he needs different care you could advocate but from the small amount of info here I don’t get that vibe.
For your mum yeah, she needs breaks, and room for her feelings too. A caregiver support group might help. I wonder if you and she can develop a code phrase like “I’ve got this!” For who takes the lead and then the other person can back off unless asked - that way you both get a bit of breathing room in those moments. Different styles are ok.
But definitely build time for your feelings in, they are legit.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:19 AM on August 4, 2021
Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you all for your comments. It has already been helpful to hear from others and just have a place to let this out. Although I have a couple of close friends, I have not shared anything about what has been going on with my family, as I usually keep tough times to myself. So I really appreciate this opportunity.posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 5:35 AM on August 5, 2021
The comments that referenced grief really resonated with me. I have had a hard time figuring out what I am feeling, aside from fear and sadness but you have helped me name it. I am grieving my vibrant and sharp father. I am grieving the usually easy-going and comfortable feeling of our home. I am grieving the plans we had for a far away family vacation once the pandemic finally ended. I don’t know for sure that these things are all gone, but right now it feels like they are a world away. I am hopeful they will return, but yes, I think I am feeling a sense of grief. Even for the small things. I started to tear up when he tried to pour my juice one day and spilled it. He always fills the glasses. That’s how our family works.
But, I also know that this is a part of life, and I have been very lucky for a long time. So I can’t wallow in it, but its there.
We are part of a faith community and have been grateful for their offers of help. My parents don’t feel comfortable with many people in the house due to COVID, but have taken up some offers for errands. We have had a cleaning service in periodically. Dad does have a lot of friends and is regularly chatting with them on the phone and has had a couple of visits while my mom went to some of her own appointments. She was very appreciative and likes to be able to get out of the house on her own.
When I was there I took care of meals and morning medication so she could try to sleep in. I also did night meds and helped him get to bed so she could take care of her own needs and watch some evening tv she likes. I do the cleaning to try to keep her off of her feet. But she does all of the more intimate personal care tasks.
I will keep trying to find more ways to relieve her and support her needs. Your responses also have me thinking that I need to try to mind my own business on her caregiving and we should try to keep our tasks divided up. Its just hard for me sometimes when I feel she is being short with him and I know it makes him feel like a burden.
Thank you again for taking the time to comments. It has really helped to hear from others and I wish you all well who are also going through these similar challenges.
This thread is closed to new comments.
My wife and sisters have discussed a caregiver, but she's not interested in that quite yet and she's of sound mind so there is not too much they can do to force the issue. Her sisters that live close by have their own things going on and so far have been unwilling to either take over or monitor closely. We live 1400 miles away, but do spend most of the summer helping out where we can. My wife expects an exacting care her mom isn't fully providing, so they have issues too.
We have convinced them to go to various physical therapy and are looking into daycares for FIL so MIL gets a break - but all that depends on their insurance and managing the costs, and simply going and not skipping out when we leave. If your parents can deal with that, physical therapy plus daycare plus a care giver might give some breathing room.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:18 PM on August 3, 2021