Fellow anxiety sufferers - do people discount your real problems?
July 16, 2021 10:48 AM Subscribe
I want to know if others have this problem, and especially if anyone's found a solution. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and have been very open about it with the people in my life, including what my triggers and treatments are. This has led to additional support, which is great. It's also led to some people discounting any problem I have, as if it's just my overblown anxiety talking. Examples below the fold.
Some examples:
* I had a baby, and she wasn't gaining weight correctly. This led to lots of weight checks at the hospital and the baby being admitted overnight - this was a real problem verified by the numbers on the scale. When I told friends and family about this, I tended to get an eyeroll and lectures about not succumbing to new mom worries, until I mentioned the overnight hospital stay. On the other hand, my spouse could tell people about this (without mentioning that it got to the point of being admitted to the hospital) and people would be genuinely concerned. (This happened a year ago, baby is fine now).
* Friend wanted to go on a road trip, and I was worried about the bad weather on bad roads. We went anyway, and there was a 6 car pileup a half kilometer in front of us. Yes, the weather on the roads really and truly was bad.
Those are just a few examples, suffice it to say that even though I admittedly suffer from anxiety and over-worry, there are also genuine problems in life that are appropriate to be cautious or concerned about. I am at a loss about how to deal with this, it hurts that I seem to have lost any standing to talk about genuine problems. If you've seen this navigated successfully, please let me know how! Thank you.
Some examples:
* I had a baby, and she wasn't gaining weight correctly. This led to lots of weight checks at the hospital and the baby being admitted overnight - this was a real problem verified by the numbers on the scale. When I told friends and family about this, I tended to get an eyeroll and lectures about not succumbing to new mom worries, until I mentioned the overnight hospital stay. On the other hand, my spouse could tell people about this (without mentioning that it got to the point of being admitted to the hospital) and people would be genuinely concerned. (This happened a year ago, baby is fine now).
* Friend wanted to go on a road trip, and I was worried about the bad weather on bad roads. We went anyway, and there was a 6 car pileup a half kilometer in front of us. Yes, the weather on the roads really and truly was bad.
Those are just a few examples, suffice it to say that even though I admittedly suffer from anxiety and over-worry, there are also genuine problems in life that are appropriate to be cautious or concerned about. I am at a loss about how to deal with this, it hurts that I seem to have lost any standing to talk about genuine problems. If you've seen this navigated successfully, please let me know how! Thank you.
Oh, this is really tough. It's hard when you feel like people don't believe you or they dismiss what you are saying as frivolous. I guess for a larger context: you gave some examples of times when you were concerned about something, and your concerns were right on target, but are there times that you expressed a lot of concerns about something, and everything turned out okay? I wonder if maybe some of your friends and family think that you cry wolf a lot and therefore have learned to dismiss your concerns too easily.
So one thing you can do is have your own boundaries; you don't have to defer to others' judgment. I wonder if part of the problem is that your anxiety makes you doubt yourself. For example, with the friend and the road trip, your friend didn't have to agree that the roads were bad in order for you to cancel the trip because of road conditions. That's about trusting yourself to make these decisions and not deferring to others' opinions. Of course, with a friend it's a negotiation, but you also do have agency.
With the baby situation, it's a bit more complicated. If your spouse is a male-presenting person, and you are a female-presenting person, this could be misogyny. If your spouse is generally not one to talk about concerns or worries, it could be that people believe them more readily. It's also pretty common for some new parents to be quite anxious and for others to offer glib reassurance (I'm reflecting on when I might have done that myself) that might or might not be helpful. In this case, though, you and spouse do have agency: you made the decisions about your daughter's care, and you don't need anyone else's approval for that.
I would maybe, at a time when there isn't a specific issue of concern, try talking to a friend or family member who might be most open to a conversation about this. You could say something like what you've said here: "...even though I admittedly suffer from anxiety and over-worry, there are also genuine problems in life that are appropriate to be cautious or concerned about. I am at a loss about how to deal with this, it hurts that I seem to have lost any standing to talk about genuine problems."
I suspect a friend might be a better approach because sometimes family members are more stuck in seeing us a certain way (like, my mom still is surprised that occasionally I can cook things even though I'm a mostly competent 40-something woman; this is a frivolous example, but there are bigger, more hurtful ones along these lines too).
I also wonder if it might help to reduce the amount you share with some folks about your concerns and worries. If there are friends or family members who you find particularly dismissive, then I would generally try to hold back from sharing with them much at all. Like, who is eyerolling at you? That's super rude and dismissive, and I'd be inclined to take a big step back from that person as they aren't treating with you respect. I'm pissed that those folks on your behalf as eyerolling is an expression of disdain.
I was going to say that maybe if these folks heard fewer concerns from you, they'd be more likely to believe you, but if they are expression that level of disbelief, I think it's probably hopeless. Though I suppose I am suggesting masking, and that doesn't help anxiety.
So maybe the thing to do is to just own all this and be direct when people treat you poorly? "Yes, I am inclined to be anxious at times, and this is also a serious situation."
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds hurtful. And I'm glad your baby is good now!
posted by bluedaisy at 12:28 PM on July 16, 2021 [3 favorites]
So one thing you can do is have your own boundaries; you don't have to defer to others' judgment. I wonder if part of the problem is that your anxiety makes you doubt yourself. For example, with the friend and the road trip, your friend didn't have to agree that the roads were bad in order for you to cancel the trip because of road conditions. That's about trusting yourself to make these decisions and not deferring to others' opinions. Of course, with a friend it's a negotiation, but you also do have agency.
With the baby situation, it's a bit more complicated. If your spouse is a male-presenting person, and you are a female-presenting person, this could be misogyny. If your spouse is generally not one to talk about concerns or worries, it could be that people believe them more readily. It's also pretty common for some new parents to be quite anxious and for others to offer glib reassurance (I'm reflecting on when I might have done that myself) that might or might not be helpful. In this case, though, you and spouse do have agency: you made the decisions about your daughter's care, and you don't need anyone else's approval for that.
I would maybe, at a time when there isn't a specific issue of concern, try talking to a friend or family member who might be most open to a conversation about this. You could say something like what you've said here: "...even though I admittedly suffer from anxiety and over-worry, there are also genuine problems in life that are appropriate to be cautious or concerned about. I am at a loss about how to deal with this, it hurts that I seem to have lost any standing to talk about genuine problems."
I suspect a friend might be a better approach because sometimes family members are more stuck in seeing us a certain way (like, my mom still is surprised that occasionally I can cook things even though I'm a mostly competent 40-something woman; this is a frivolous example, but there are bigger, more hurtful ones along these lines too).
I also wonder if it might help to reduce the amount you share with some folks about your concerns and worries. If there are friends or family members who you find particularly dismissive, then I would generally try to hold back from sharing with them much at all. Like, who is eyerolling at you? That's super rude and dismissive, and I'd be inclined to take a big step back from that person as they aren't treating with you respect. I'm pissed that those folks on your behalf as eyerolling is an expression of disdain.
I was going to say that maybe if these folks heard fewer concerns from you, they'd be more likely to believe you, but if they are expression that level of disbelief, I think it's probably hopeless. Though I suppose I am suggesting masking, and that doesn't help anxiety.
So maybe the thing to do is to just own all this and be direct when people treat you poorly? "Yes, I am inclined to be anxious at times, and this is also a serious situation."
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds hurtful. And I'm glad your baby is good now!
posted by bluedaisy at 12:28 PM on July 16, 2021 [3 favorites]
Hi! I have anxiety! And have been in treatment for it for a long time, on and off. I've gotten great treatment for my anxiety in the past 2 years.
For me, managing and living with my anxiety is in learning to trust myself, that I can manage through the normal crises and challenges of my life without having to control everything or pre-cog everything that might go wrong.
I think the key in your question here is in these words:
"I seem to have lost any standing to talk about genuine problems"
Are the people whom you need to help you validating your worries? It sounds like, while some of your friends and family were dismissive, your doctors and spouse were not.
Does it hurt you when your friends or family don't see other things not related to your anxiety the same way?
For example, you were worried about bad weather and your friend was not. If you had gone on the trip and the bad weather had not occurred, your concern would have been just as valid. Neither one of you controls the weather...
Anyway, I actually think this disconnect can be helpful for you to examine what's at the root of your anxiety. For me, I learned that most of my anxious behaviors were more in relation to needing to feel validated by my friends and family and feel that they were concerned about my happiness and safety. I was (and still am) over-indexed on how much of this support I needed because I didn't trust myself. But when I looked back at my actual ability to care for myself and get the help I needed, I always did and do.
In other words, I've found the best way to navigate through this is to recognize that I have every right to talk about my problems, but I don't get to expect and control exactly what reactions I get. I don't want to have my concerns dismissed, but I also don't NEED them to be validated in order to survive. Then I can sort of examine the reactions that don't sit well with me as just normal relational stuff. For example, in the same category of "hey, friend, when I said I really like the new marvel TV shows you rolled your eyes and it hurt my feelings" is in the same category as "hey, friend, when I said that I was concerned about my baby's issues with weight gain, you rolled your eyes and it hurt my feelings." Not because those issues hold the same weight in your life, but because their opinion on it does!
posted by pazazygeek at 12:29 PM on July 16, 2021 [8 favorites]
For me, managing and living with my anxiety is in learning to trust myself, that I can manage through the normal crises and challenges of my life without having to control everything or pre-cog everything that might go wrong.
I think the key in your question here is in these words:
"I seem to have lost any standing to talk about genuine problems"
Are the people whom you need to help you validating your worries? It sounds like, while some of your friends and family were dismissive, your doctors and spouse were not.
Does it hurt you when your friends or family don't see other things not related to your anxiety the same way?
For example, you were worried about bad weather and your friend was not. If you had gone on the trip and the bad weather had not occurred, your concern would have been just as valid. Neither one of you controls the weather...
Anyway, I actually think this disconnect can be helpful for you to examine what's at the root of your anxiety. For me, I learned that most of my anxious behaviors were more in relation to needing to feel validated by my friends and family and feel that they were concerned about my happiness and safety. I was (and still am) over-indexed on how much of this support I needed because I didn't trust myself. But when I looked back at my actual ability to care for myself and get the help I needed, I always did and do.
In other words, I've found the best way to navigate through this is to recognize that I have every right to talk about my problems, but I don't get to expect and control exactly what reactions I get. I don't want to have my concerns dismissed, but I also don't NEED them to be validated in order to survive. Then I can sort of examine the reactions that don't sit well with me as just normal relational stuff. For example, in the same category of "hey, friend, when I said I really like the new marvel TV shows you rolled your eyes and it hurt my feelings" is in the same category as "hey, friend, when I said that I was concerned about my baby's issues with weight gain, you rolled your eyes and it hurt my feelings." Not because those issues hold the same weight in your life, but because their opinion on it does!
posted by pazazygeek at 12:29 PM on July 16, 2021 [8 favorites]
My impression is that depression generally gets more media attention than anxiety, and is better "understood" by the public at large these days than anxiety.
I have suffered from anxiety since I was very young—I can remember twisting and pulling out my hair when I was at least 6 years old, along with severely picking my toenails. I was never treated for any of this until I was in my 30s... so I picked up a really nasty alcohol abuse pattern. It wasn't so much about "being drunk all the time" (though that's part of it!) but about being in control. This sounds weird, but alcohol was an obsession: I could control buying it, drinking it (which made anxiety disappear temporarily). But I also controlled hiding it, controlled sickness from hangovers/withdrawal, obsessed on how much, when I could drink, how often I could drink depending on what was happening later/next morning. Which stores to buy from, how much to buy, which credit card to put it on. I was basically constantly managing an illness, a hangover/withdrawal/anxiety by medicating with booze. Depression came along for the ride with this horrible lifestyle, but the root cause was anxiety.
This is getting long and off-topic. But I'm sober almost 3 years now, and all of this is becoming clear to me. I believe the basis for my addiction is/was anxiety. I am in treatment now and take anti-anxiety meds which help.
I think that currently, anxiety is a bigger problem/issue than it's made out to be. We are largely invisible and often marginalized and patronized. Depression gets most of the attention these days (attention to depression is good, BTW!) and I hope we get to a point where anxiety is regarded as just as serious an issue as depression is.
posted by SoberHighland at 3:55 PM on July 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
I have suffered from anxiety since I was very young—I can remember twisting and pulling out my hair when I was at least 6 years old, along with severely picking my toenails. I was never treated for any of this until I was in my 30s... so I picked up a really nasty alcohol abuse pattern. It wasn't so much about "being drunk all the time" (though that's part of it!) but about being in control. This sounds weird, but alcohol was an obsession: I could control buying it, drinking it (which made anxiety disappear temporarily). But I also controlled hiding it, controlled sickness from hangovers/withdrawal, obsessed on how much, when I could drink, how often I could drink depending on what was happening later/next morning. Which stores to buy from, how much to buy, which credit card to put it on. I was basically constantly managing an illness, a hangover/withdrawal/anxiety by medicating with booze. Depression came along for the ride with this horrible lifestyle, but the root cause was anxiety.
This is getting long and off-topic. But I'm sober almost 3 years now, and all of this is becoming clear to me. I believe the basis for my addiction is/was anxiety. I am in treatment now and take anti-anxiety meds which help.
I think that currently, anxiety is a bigger problem/issue than it's made out to be. We are largely invisible and often marginalized and patronized. Depression gets most of the attention these days (attention to depression is good, BTW!) and I hope we get to a point where anxiety is regarded as just as serious an issue as depression is.
posted by SoberHighland at 3:55 PM on July 16, 2021 [2 favorites]
I have anxiety and this is occasionally a problem. One thing that helped me with this is realizing that the people are not intentionally doing it, it's just an inherent flaw in human psychology. The official name is the Fundamental Attribution Error, and basically it means that if someone has a somewhat-unusual trait like anxiety that could possibly explain a behavior, the brain automatically attributes (or blames) that trait instead of considering the situation. If you search on that term you can find a lot of fancy psychology studies trying to explain when and why this happens.
Another thing to keep in mind is that anxiety may be making you very aware of of possible "social threats" like this. If you're like me that means you are probably more sensitive than most people when this kind of thing happens to you. People use this kind of simplistic judgement all the time (and it's heavily related to racism/sexism), but non-anxious people may be completely oblivious it's happening to them. Thinking about that does give me a bit more perspective on it and makes these kind of judgements less threatening.
On the more practical side, there probably are things you could do in certain situations to make this less likely. If you mention specific details of the situation (like the hospital stay) that will make people think about the situation and not your general tendencies. Personally, I've found that the less emotional I am when explaining the issue the more likely they are to take it seriously, although that sometimes backfires when people think I don't care at all. I've had some luck asking people directly why they didn't believe me, although most people are just kind of confused by the question because it wasn't a conscious thing on their side. Anyway, there are things to do but no "easy answer" as far as I know.
posted by JZig at 4:25 PM on July 16, 2021
Another thing to keep in mind is that anxiety may be making you very aware of of possible "social threats" like this. If you're like me that means you are probably more sensitive than most people when this kind of thing happens to you. People use this kind of simplistic judgement all the time (and it's heavily related to racism/sexism), but non-anxious people may be completely oblivious it's happening to them. Thinking about that does give me a bit more perspective on it and makes these kind of judgements less threatening.
On the more practical side, there probably are things you could do in certain situations to make this less likely. If you mention specific details of the situation (like the hospital stay) that will make people think about the situation and not your general tendencies. Personally, I've found that the less emotional I am when explaining the issue the more likely they are to take it seriously, although that sometimes backfires when people think I don't care at all. I've had some luck asking people directly why they didn't believe me, although most people are just kind of confused by the question because it wasn't a conscious thing on their side. Anyway, there are things to do but no "easy answer" as far as I know.
posted by JZig at 4:25 PM on July 16, 2021
Yes. And with my partner I can say, "hey, I'm trying to be responsible and make an emergency plan here, can you not act like that's an insane thing to do?"
For things you can try that might help: I would ask yourself what you want from the conversation and how you are approaching it. If a lot of your conversations look like commiseration and asking for sympathy, folks might be tired and getting a bit of a knee jerk reaction (and it IS possible to obsess over a problem due to anxiety even if the specific fear is reasonable). Or if a legitimately scary thing is happening and you are talking about it the exact same way you talk about your irrational anxieties, they might get on an automatic path.
I would probably find a way to open with something that says what you're looking for - are you looking for reassurance, concrete actions, or sympathy? Because a lot of people think "don't be silly, the tornado warning on the news is just another false alarm! I'm sure it won't touch down here We'll be fine." is reassuring, but all it says to ME is that no one else is doing the tornado planning, no one wants to hear about it, and the entire safety plan needs to be created, remembered, and executed by me.
posted by Lady Li at 6:49 AM on July 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
For things you can try that might help: I would ask yourself what you want from the conversation and how you are approaching it. If a lot of your conversations look like commiseration and asking for sympathy, folks might be tired and getting a bit of a knee jerk reaction (and it IS possible to obsess over a problem due to anxiety even if the specific fear is reasonable). Or if a legitimately scary thing is happening and you are talking about it the exact same way you talk about your irrational anxieties, they might get on an automatic path.
I would probably find a way to open with something that says what you're looking for - are you looking for reassurance, concrete actions, or sympathy? Because a lot of people think "don't be silly, the tornado warning on the news is just another false alarm! I'm sure it won't touch down here We'll be fine." is reassuring, but all it says to ME is that no one else is doing the tornado planning, no one wants to hear about it, and the entire safety plan needs to be created, remembered, and executed by me.
posted by Lady Li at 6:49 AM on July 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I’ve noticed that people will absolutely dismiss my real problems even if they don’t know about my diagnosis, and they seem to be doing so sometimes in a weird attempt to make me (or maybe them?) feel better about them. I finally obtained a diagnosis for my child when he was four and I had multiple relatives tell me that it must be incorrect, and he was fine. I did not enjoy this.
posted by bq at 9:00 PM on July 17, 2021
posted by bq at 9:00 PM on July 17, 2021
I can't think of a time recently when someone dismissed my concerns because of my anxiety disorder. Which actually surprised me, so I thought on it for a bit. I think I keep a lot of worries to myself and then express them through things like over planning or wearing masks outdoors even if no one else is. And the main people who know the extent of my planning are my spouse and child, who have often found it helpful. They also listen when I am feeling unreasonably worried about something, just to give me reassurance. The more distant family members who might be rude just aren't allowed any of that information.
So if you care about these friends and family, it's possible to talk about this and mention how you'd like to stay close to them (if you would) but can't if they act like this. If they don't listen, they'll miss hearing about all this too. It's completely possible to just be a decent person to someone with anxiety and they should work on that.
posted by blueberry monster at 7:59 PM on August 4, 2021
So if you care about these friends and family, it's possible to talk about this and mention how you'd like to stay close to them (if you would) but can't if they act like this. If they don't listen, they'll miss hearing about all this too. It's completely possible to just be a decent person to someone with anxiety and they should work on that.
posted by blueberry monster at 7:59 PM on August 4, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
I've been clinically diagnosed with OCD, manifesting itself as hand washing. So any time anyone sees me washing my hands, everybody's like "oh, there goes Kevin, washing his hands again". And it's like, yeah, I just changed my kid's diarrhea diaper. That's not OCD. That's normal fucking behavior, man. Do you NOT wash your hands when someone else's feces are all over them? What the actual fuck? Lose-lose situation for me.
This is part of the stigma around mental health, the idea that, once you're diagnosed with a mental health condition, every aspect of your life can then be explained by your mental health condition. It's quite frustrating, and to be honest, makes me want to avoid getting diagnosed with anything.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:27 PM on July 16, 2021 [14 favorites]