Funeral fashion and comfort
July 12, 2021 3:51 AM Subscribe
I'm 5'4 and 150 pounds but really, really, really want to be comfortable at an upcoming funeral.
I have a close relative (my dad) who's dying--I'm a member of the immediate family.
-I am going to need petite plus sized black tights. Can you help me find some? Biggest priority is comfort. I don't want shapewear, nor do I want them to fall down.
-What's the protocol for funeral fashion? I've read that it's no longer all black but suspect it's mostly black. Can I get some suggestions for a look that might be ok?
I like flowing stuff, drapey materials, generally dress casually but like dresses, tunics, shoes, dresses with waists implied but not emphasized. Some of this screams 'Eileen Fisher' or 'J Jill' but I really don't want to spend 600 on funeral clothing and the soon-to-be deceased wouldn't want me to. But then I don't know...maybe the comfort/feeling of armor would be helpful?
When the death occurs, I do not want to go out and panic buy something to wear so all ideas are helpful. Shoes might be helpful. Pants? A small bag for cell phone?
Pockets for kleenex?
I'm shy and will be the center of attention so between grief and social awkwardness I'm trying to put my best foot forward here. There are also some family members who will not look kindly on me.
Last thing: briefly, what is my husband expected to wear?
There aren't a lot of hard edges I can smooth at a funeral, so I'm taking every bit of comfort I can.
I have a close relative (my dad) who's dying--I'm a member of the immediate family.
-I am going to need petite plus sized black tights. Can you help me find some? Biggest priority is comfort. I don't want shapewear, nor do I want them to fall down.
-What's the protocol for funeral fashion? I've read that it's no longer all black but suspect it's mostly black. Can I get some suggestions for a look that might be ok?
I like flowing stuff, drapey materials, generally dress casually but like dresses, tunics, shoes, dresses with waists implied but not emphasized. Some of this screams 'Eileen Fisher' or 'J Jill' but I really don't want to spend 600 on funeral clothing and the soon-to-be deceased wouldn't want me to. But then I don't know...maybe the comfort/feeling of armor would be helpful?
When the death occurs, I do not want to go out and panic buy something to wear so all ideas are helpful. Shoes might be helpful. Pants? A small bag for cell phone?
Pockets for kleenex?
I'm shy and will be the center of attention so between grief and social awkwardness I'm trying to put my best foot forward here. There are also some family members who will not look kindly on me.
Last thing: briefly, what is my husband expected to wear?
There aren't a lot of hard edges I can smooth at a funeral, so I'm taking every bit of comfort I can.
I’m so sorry about your dad. And I’m so sorry about others not feeling kindly towards you at this time.
My dad died three weeks ago. Honestly, I don’t remember what anyone else wore to the visitation. I wore dark pants, flats, and a sweater set in blue because my dad always loved it when I wore blue. My hair looked like hell because it was humid and rainy. But I felt comfortable in what I wore.
I don’t know what the “norms” are where your dad’s funeral will be, but I suggest both of you wear clothes you feel comfortable in and won’t have to fiddle with or keep adjusting. If your husband feels comfortable in a full suit, go for it. If not, nice pants and shirt should be fine, necktie or not, up to him. Colors—up to you both. Navy, grays, black are always “safe” but I think the biggest priority is your comfort. Comfortable shoes are a must.
There will probably be Kleenex boxes all over the place. I took a couple of pictures before anyone else arrived and then I stowed my purse/phone in a closet.
Honestly, wear what YOU will feel as comfortable in as possible.
Again, I’m so sorry. You can get through this.
posted by bookmammal at 4:43 AM on July 12, 2021 [8 favorites]
My dad died three weeks ago. Honestly, I don’t remember what anyone else wore to the visitation. I wore dark pants, flats, and a sweater set in blue because my dad always loved it when I wore blue. My hair looked like hell because it was humid and rainy. But I felt comfortable in what I wore.
I don’t know what the “norms” are where your dad’s funeral will be, but I suggest both of you wear clothes you feel comfortable in and won’t have to fiddle with or keep adjusting. If your husband feels comfortable in a full suit, go for it. If not, nice pants and shirt should be fine, necktie or not, up to him. Colors—up to you both. Navy, grays, black are always “safe” but I think the biggest priority is your comfort. Comfortable shoes are a must.
There will probably be Kleenex boxes all over the place. I took a couple of pictures before anyone else arrived and then I stowed my purse/phone in a closet.
Honestly, wear what YOU will feel as comfortable in as possible.
Again, I’m so sorry. You can get through this.
posted by bookmammal at 4:43 AM on July 12, 2021 [8 favorites]
Empathy for your difficult times.
When I wore tights (I'm shorter, and have been a bit heavier than that), I found that the trick is just to go up a size if the chart on the back suggests borderline. I've never found petite tights to be worth the time looking; they don't have fixed feet. Going up a size also helps with opacity. Honestly the plain ol Target brand in the US is fine.
Adding a jacket or cardigan can help give you a feeling of more layers. Ones with pockets help for tissues and lozenges. I found hard candy or nonmedicated lozenges to be a good distraction.
posted by cobaltnine at 4:51 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
When I wore tights (I'm shorter, and have been a bit heavier than that), I found that the trick is just to go up a size if the chart on the back suggests borderline. I've never found petite tights to be worth the time looking; they don't have fixed feet. Going up a size also helps with opacity. Honestly the plain ol Target brand in the US is fine.
Adding a jacket or cardigan can help give you a feeling of more layers. Ones with pockets help for tissues and lozenges. I found hard candy or nonmedicated lozenges to be a good distraction.
posted by cobaltnine at 4:51 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I just wore this dress in "dark green" (really teal) last month to my grandma's funeral. It was outdoors in 90 degree heat. I wore jockey skimmies shorts to avoid chub rub but did not wear tights. I was neither the most dressed up nor the most underdressed, but I looked absolutely appropriate and I was comfortable.
It has been a few years since I've been in opaque tights mood, but I have bought many many tights over the years from We Love Colors and have been very satisfied by fit, durability, and quality.
My brother, cousin, and dad both wore slacks with a button up and tie to grandma's funeral. Uncle wore a suit with I think no tie. I don't remember what my mom was wearing, but it was probably black pants with some kind of shell+open top combo. My other cousin wore a black cocktail dress with spike heels that kept sinking into the lawn and while she looked nice this was not a good idea.
posted by phunniemee at 4:57 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
It has been a few years since I've been in opaque tights mood, but I have bought many many tights over the years from We Love Colors and have been very satisfied by fit, durability, and quality.
My brother, cousin, and dad both wore slacks with a button up and tie to grandma's funeral. Uncle wore a suit with I think no tie. I don't remember what my mom was wearing, but it was probably black pants with some kind of shell+open top combo. My other cousin wore a black cocktail dress with spike heels that kept sinking into the lawn and while she looked nice this was not a good idea.
posted by phunniemee at 4:57 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
Wear what makes you comfortable. My wife's mother died last October during Covid, so the funeral was super tiny and brief. We recently had a remembrance celebration/funeral for her. My father in-law (deceased MIL's husband) wanted his daughters to wear colorful clothes because their mom liked colorful clothes. There's really no hard rules about funeral attire anymore. I'm cis het male and wore dark slacks and a light gray short sleeved shirt. I had a jacket with me but it was hot so I hardly wore it as it was outdoors/indoors. My rule of thumb is "nice clothes that don't stand out a lot." I usually like wearing a sport coat/jacket as I find it comforting to wear—it feels like a shield of sorts.
Sorry about your father.
posted by SoberHighland at 4:59 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Sorry about your father.
posted by SoberHighland at 4:59 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry to hear about your dad's impending death. It sounds hard, with some of the family stuff, too, but you're right, it can be helpful to do some of this "funeral prep" now. It's also a gentle preparation for mourning in itself.
Funeral dress code is very forgiving these days, taking its cues mostly from your family culture and the strictness of any faith community you belong to, as well as from the personality of the deceased. Lots of people wear the favorite color of the person who's died, or the colors of a beloved sports team, etc., or they'll dress fancy but not morosely to pay tribute to a happy life. I encourage you to be comfortable and true to yourself, because it will allow you to focus on your most important task of grappling with your dad's death and getting through the day.
I work in the funeral industry and am about your size. For tights, I just get two sizes at Target or Old Navy, and try out which is more comfortable on the day. Two sizes because often the 'cut' of the tights makes a difference in how they fit. You said no shapewear, but I find the high-waisted tights like these are so much more comfortable than regular tights, which seem to rely on cutting off your blood supply at the waist to stay on.
For dresses, which I wear about half the time, I wear these two from Asos at lot.
- Curve ultimate midi tea length dress in a 10/12.
- Curve midi batwing in ponte in a 10/12
These dresses would also show up (in my community) as totally respectable and appropriate:
- Floral embroidery blouson midi dress
- Long sleeve midi in 'ditsy' print
- Collar smock in black floral
- T-shirt dress with floral
- Belted mid-maxi in blue polka dot
- Shirt dress in blue & green plaid
A small clutch or cross body purse would probably be helpful, and yes, put some tissues in. Personally I use a few thrifted cloth handkerchiefs because they're comforting and friendlier to the environment. You might check out a thrift shop if a handkerchief something you would consider to be a comforting keepsake afterwards, or your dad may be a handkerchief guy and you could inherit a few of his for this special purpose. To take your mind off of pesky relatives or to refocus yourself, try bringing a small stone that you can fidget with during the service. (But really, don't make more work for yourself -- this suggestion is more about treating yourself gently and giving your senses over to the process of grieving.) Here are a few clutches:
- Black cross body clutch
- Another black cross body clutch
- If you want to be the person your family might be afraid you are, go for it and keep it real if you have a certain style: Love fanny pack or cross body in faux fur checked pattern
For shoes, definitely aim for comfort. If you'll be outside for a graveside service, a flat sole, especially if there will be weather, is best. I wear wing tips and Chelsea boots depending on the season. If you think you'll be standing a lot but want to be a little dressier, try a comfortable platform dress shoe. It'll read as heels but be way more comfortable.
For your husband, it depends again on the formality of the prevailing culture and how much you want to align with it. For more formal funerals in my area, men wear a dark or medium colored suit (medium grey, navy blue, dark brown, etc.) with a light colored collared shirt, and a tie. More casual would be a suit coat (same colors as above) with lighter pants--with or without a tie. Even more casual, men wear...I dunno...golf wear? Like comfortable but slightly tailored 'technical' pants with a performance polo shirt in a solid color. The under 30 crowd tends to wear a crisp collared shirt (no tie) and nice jeans or khakis/tailored pants.
On the emotional side, you have my permission to arrange a signal with your husband so he knows to interrupt and usher you into a quiet room for a break. Much peace.
posted by cocoagirl at 5:00 AM on July 12, 2021 [10 favorites]
Funeral dress code is very forgiving these days, taking its cues mostly from your family culture and the strictness of any faith community you belong to, as well as from the personality of the deceased. Lots of people wear the favorite color of the person who's died, or the colors of a beloved sports team, etc., or they'll dress fancy but not morosely to pay tribute to a happy life. I encourage you to be comfortable and true to yourself, because it will allow you to focus on your most important task of grappling with your dad's death and getting through the day.
I work in the funeral industry and am about your size. For tights, I just get two sizes at Target or Old Navy, and try out which is more comfortable on the day. Two sizes because often the 'cut' of the tights makes a difference in how they fit. You said no shapewear, but I find the high-waisted tights like these are so much more comfortable than regular tights, which seem to rely on cutting off your blood supply at the waist to stay on.
For dresses, which I wear about half the time, I wear these two from Asos at lot.
- Curve ultimate midi tea length dress in a 10/12.
- Curve midi batwing in ponte in a 10/12
These dresses would also show up (in my community) as totally respectable and appropriate:
- Floral embroidery blouson midi dress
- Long sleeve midi in 'ditsy' print
- Collar smock in black floral
- T-shirt dress with floral
- Belted mid-maxi in blue polka dot
- Shirt dress in blue & green plaid
A small clutch or cross body purse would probably be helpful, and yes, put some tissues in. Personally I use a few thrifted cloth handkerchiefs because they're comforting and friendlier to the environment. You might check out a thrift shop if a handkerchief something you would consider to be a comforting keepsake afterwards, or your dad may be a handkerchief guy and you could inherit a few of his for this special purpose. To take your mind off of pesky relatives or to refocus yourself, try bringing a small stone that you can fidget with during the service. (But really, don't make more work for yourself -- this suggestion is more about treating yourself gently and giving your senses over to the process of grieving.) Here are a few clutches:
- Black cross body clutch
- Another black cross body clutch
- If you want to be the person your family might be afraid you are, go for it and keep it real if you have a certain style: Love fanny pack or cross body in faux fur checked pattern
For shoes, definitely aim for comfort. If you'll be outside for a graveside service, a flat sole, especially if there will be weather, is best. I wear wing tips and Chelsea boots depending on the season. If you think you'll be standing a lot but want to be a little dressier, try a comfortable platform dress shoe. It'll read as heels but be way more comfortable.
For your husband, it depends again on the formality of the prevailing culture and how much you want to align with it. For more formal funerals in my area, men wear a dark or medium colored suit (medium grey, navy blue, dark brown, etc.) with a light colored collared shirt, and a tie. More casual would be a suit coat (same colors as above) with lighter pants--with or without a tie. Even more casual, men wear...I dunno...golf wear? Like comfortable but slightly tailored 'technical' pants with a performance polo shirt in a solid color. The under 30 crowd tends to wear a crisp collared shirt (no tie) and nice jeans or khakis/tailored pants.
On the emotional side, you have my permission to arrange a signal with your husband so he knows to interrupt and usher you into a quiet room for a break. Much peace.
posted by cocoagirl at 5:00 AM on July 12, 2021 [10 favorites]
Last thing: briefly, what is my husband expected to wear?
I've noted that dress expectations (if such ever really existed) have loosened quite a bit over the years, to where almost anything is acceptable today. The point is to just be there for family. The days of "you must wear a suit and tie" are long, long gone. What you might wear to the office or to a family gathering is perfectly fine. Nice jeans? Yep. Khakis? Yep. No tie? No problem. Tennis shoes? yep.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:04 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
I've noted that dress expectations (if such ever really existed) have loosened quite a bit over the years, to where almost anything is acceptable today. The point is to just be there for family. The days of "you must wear a suit and tie" are long, long gone. What you might wear to the office or to a family gathering is perfectly fine. Nice jeans? Yep. Khakis? Yep. No tie? No problem. Tennis shoes? yep.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:04 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
Snag tights come very heavily recommended.
When this was me but at short notice, I bought a black jersey faux wrap dress from a store I regularly shopped in. Since then I've always had an inexpensive black jersey dress in my wardrobe, for funerals, but I do wear it the rest of the time. I wear jersey dresses a lot for work so this is something I'm used to wearing and is very comfortable. At a funeral, I usually wear it with a scarf, which might be black and white, or grey, or purple. Similarly I might add a black, or grey cardigan.
The bits that are easy to forget are a bag of some description and shoes. The shoes are probably easiest if comfortable and in black (unless you have grey ones?) and any muted colour handbag will be fine, and it's more helpful if it's the same size you normally carry round. Make sure it has in sunglasses and plenty of tissues.
In terms of what people wear, I think it's very culture and sub-culture specific. The last funeral grouping I saw had the women in black or black and white. In my own family, it was more black and muted shades (and was cold enough that we needed whatever our darkest winter coat was). I have been to funerals where people wore regular smart-ish clothes. But here usually the closest family is in predominantly black.
posted by plonkee at 5:05 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
When this was me but at short notice, I bought a black jersey faux wrap dress from a store I regularly shopped in. Since then I've always had an inexpensive black jersey dress in my wardrobe, for funerals, but I do wear it the rest of the time. I wear jersey dresses a lot for work so this is something I'm used to wearing and is very comfortable. At a funeral, I usually wear it with a scarf, which might be black and white, or grey, or purple. Similarly I might add a black, or grey cardigan.
The bits that are easy to forget are a bag of some description and shoes. The shoes are probably easiest if comfortable and in black (unless you have grey ones?) and any muted colour handbag will be fine, and it's more helpful if it's the same size you normally carry round. Make sure it has in sunglasses and plenty of tissues.
In terms of what people wear, I think it's very culture and sub-culture specific. The last funeral grouping I saw had the women in black or black and white. In my own family, it was more black and muted shades (and was cold enough that we needed whatever our darkest winter coat was). I have been to funerals where people wore regular smart-ish clothes. But here usually the closest family is in predominantly black.
posted by plonkee at 5:05 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry about your situation, A Terrible Llama. When my mother died, I wore a dark blue navy linen dress that two friends bought for me without me saying anything. They just showed up with it a few days before the funeral. They must have realized that I basically owned jeans and not much more. But I have been to funerals with people wearing jeans and no one gawked or was mean to those folks, at least not within earshot.
If you are inclined, as I am, to shop second-hand, consider looking at ThreadUp. It has plus sizes but I live in Europe so I can't vouch for it. If it helps, MeMail me your address and I'll order some tights and have them sent to you.
There are also some family members who will not look kindly on me.
About that: Fuck those folks. Give 'em the hairy eyeball with my blessings if need be. This is your dad and they have no business being shitty to you so please, just ignore them if possible. Again, super sorry you are dealing with this and also, my apologies for the unsolicited advice. It just makes me so mad that you will have to deal with crappy family members after your dad dies. Grrrrrr.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:09 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
If you are inclined, as I am, to shop second-hand, consider looking at ThreadUp. It has plus sizes but I live in Europe so I can't vouch for it. If it helps, MeMail me your address and I'll order some tights and have them sent to you.
There are also some family members who will not look kindly on me.
About that: Fuck those folks. Give 'em the hairy eyeball with my blessings if need be. This is your dad and they have no business being shitty to you so please, just ignore them if possible. Again, super sorry you are dealing with this and also, my apologies for the unsolicited advice. It just makes me so mad that you will have to deal with crappy family members after your dad dies. Grrrrrr.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:09 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
I’ve never found plus size tights that stay up. What works for me is a longish skirt with nylon knee highs. But really any knee highs would do.
My funeral go-to is a long black skirt with a subdued top in a darkish color.
posted by FencingGal at 5:10 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
My funeral go-to is a long black skirt with a subdued top in a darkish color.
posted by FencingGal at 5:10 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Here’s a flowy black wrap dress, maxi length, from Nordstrom so you wouldn’t need tights. It also comes in plum. Bring sunglasses.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:10 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:10 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry, my MIL passed away last year, take comfort in the fact that no one who is worth your energy will care about what you wear but it is nice to show respect through clothes (however that signifies for your family). I wore black trousers, a dark blue cotton blouse, and a flowing black wrap cardigan, all from my closet. I agree that flats are a good shoe choice, especially if there will be a burial.
My husband and his father both wore a suit.
posted by muddgirl at 5:16 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
My husband and his father both wore a suit.
posted by muddgirl at 5:16 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Funeral clothing norms vary so much between families and geographic area that it's really hard to say. I can say that for my southern family, a spouse being in jeans or tennis shoes would raise eyebrows. You can't go wrong by being a little more dressed up for a funeral.
I can't tell you what I wore to my mother's funeral. Maybe an ankle length black skirt (no tights needed!) and a knit top?
I wore this Old Navy dress (it's longer on me) and black flats and cheap hose to my (Black, inherently more formal) wife's grandmother's funeral and fit right in.
I'd wear a long skirt or Palazzo pants in black or a dark color, a button down or knit top, the comfiest dress shoes you've got (you're going to be on your feet) and call it a day. If you don't already have stuff that works, Old Navy or Target - I'm 50 pounds heavier at your height and shop easily at both.
Disapproving family members are going to bitch no matter what you do. A head held high is your best accessory.
posted by joycehealy at 5:35 AM on July 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
I can't tell you what I wore to my mother's funeral. Maybe an ankle length black skirt (no tights needed!) and a knit top?
I wore this Old Navy dress (it's longer on me) and black flats and cheap hose to my (Black, inherently more formal) wife's grandmother's funeral and fit right in.
I'd wear a long skirt or Palazzo pants in black or a dark color, a button down or knit top, the comfiest dress shoes you've got (you're going to be on your feet) and call it a day. If you don't already have stuff that works, Old Navy or Target - I'm 50 pounds heavier at your height and shop easily at both.
Disapproving family members are going to bitch no matter what you do. A head held high is your best accessory.
posted by joycehealy at 5:35 AM on July 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
Personally I use a few thrifted cloth handkerchiefs because they're comforting and friendlier to the environment.
Tissues will leave bits on your face in hot humid weather. I strongly second the hankie suggestion.
posted by jgirl at 6:21 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Tissues will leave bits on your face in hot humid weather. I strongly second the hankie suggestion.
posted by jgirl at 6:21 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
I second Snag Tights.
Seconding for your husband-- whatever workwear is should be fine. Pressed trousers and a button-down- a thin sweater depending on the weather. A tie if your husband so feels, but not necessary.
I find that there are excellent choices at Universal Standard. The shapes and feel seem to match your aesthetic. This one has pockets and is not terribly expensive. This is a long-sleeved option. There are many others on the site to look at, as well as separates. The best thing about their clothing is it is high quality, comfortable, comes in every size.
I am so sorry for all you are going through.
posted by oflinkey at 6:21 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Seconding for your husband-- whatever workwear is should be fine. Pressed trousers and a button-down- a thin sweater depending on the weather. A tie if your husband so feels, but not necessary.
I find that there are excellent choices at Universal Standard. The shapes and feel seem to match your aesthetic. This one has pockets and is not terribly expensive. This is a long-sleeved option. There are many others on the site to look at, as well as separates. The best thing about their clothing is it is high quality, comfortable, comes in every size.
I am so sorry for all you are going through.
posted by oflinkey at 6:21 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Seconding Snag Tights. I’m sorry about your father.
posted by songs about trains at 6:22 AM on July 12, 2021
posted by songs about trains at 6:22 AM on July 12, 2021
My suggestion is to wear comfortable clothes in dark colors.
I usually wear these pants from JJill at about $80
These are elastic waist and have side pockets.
And a knit top usually from Macy’s like Calvin Klein or INC. this top is a pattern that would be muted if you wear it with black pants.
I wear flat shoes with dark or black thin ankle socks like bomba but cheaper.
And I take a sweater for air conditioned rooms, Kleenex in my purse, and my silenced phone to get contact info on cousins and family friends that I haven’t talked to in a while.
My male relatives do wear sport coats over dark or black khakis or jeans. Or their best dark suit- if they have one.
Take care-
posted by calgirl at 6:30 AM on July 12, 2021
I usually wear these pants from JJill at about $80
These are elastic waist and have side pockets.
And a knit top usually from Macy’s like Calvin Klein or INC. this top is a pattern that would be muted if you wear it with black pants.
I wear flat shoes with dark or black thin ankle socks like bomba but cheaper.
And I take a sweater for air conditioned rooms, Kleenex in my purse, and my silenced phone to get contact info on cousins and family friends that I haven’t talked to in a while.
My male relatives do wear sport coats over dark or black khakis or jeans. Or their best dark suit- if they have one.
Take care-
posted by calgirl at 6:30 AM on July 12, 2021
My dad died very suddenly about 2.5 years ago and my husband and I live a 5 hours' drive away -- I threw a black interview suit and a black dress I'd bought for a Christmas party into the car (something from JCPenney like this but in a little dressier material, and with a matching cloth belt), along with some low heels and sheer black tights and hit the road (we were trying to make it back before he actually passed away, which we did). The suit was too big for me so I wore the dress for the wake and funeral, and had a maroon cardigan I threw over it for the funeral dinner. I think my husband wore suit pants and a shirt and tie. I think my brother wore a suit and my mom had some gray khakis and a sweater on or something. I have no idea what anyone else wore but I agree that there's no "everyone must wear black" rule anymore, but I did feel more comfortable wearing something black and fairly conservative.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It's smart of you to get your clothing lined up -- I was really glad I had that dress available or it would've been one more thing to worry about.
posted by jabes at 6:30 AM on July 12, 2021
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It's smart of you to get your clothing lined up -- I was really glad I had that dress available or it would've been one more thing to worry about.
posted by jabes at 6:30 AM on July 12, 2021
Please accept my sympathies.
Funeral clothing norms vary so much between families and geographic area that it's really hard to say.
This. Also, I know nothing about non-men's clothing.
So, with those caveats:
what is my husband expected to wear?
This I can help with:
Even my unbelievably cliched stepmonster didn't complain about my appearance at my father's funeral - which would've been the first time in about a decade. This was not out of sympathy.
I am the scruffy loser of the family (and quite literally the red-headed stepchild) but I do have a black suit, and a similarly-black shirt. I think I wore a black tie - not sure.
Blokes have this easy: wear a black suit. The hard bit is finding a similarly-black shirt.
posted by pompomtom at 6:34 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Funeral clothing norms vary so much between families and geographic area that it's really hard to say.
This. Also, I know nothing about non-men's clothing.
So, with those caveats:
what is my husband expected to wear?
This I can help with:
Even my unbelievably cliched stepmonster didn't complain about my appearance at my father's funeral - which would've been the first time in about a decade. This was not out of sympathy.
I am the scruffy loser of the family (and quite literally the red-headed stepchild) but I do have a black suit, and a similarly-black shirt. I think I wore a black tie - not sure.
Blokes have this easy: wear a black suit. The hard bit is finding a similarly-black shirt.
posted by pompomtom at 6:34 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I will just say that the closer you are to the deceased, the more leeway you have with what you wear. As if being your father, you can really wear just about anything and it’s acceptable. Wear a coat of many colors if that’s what you want.
That being said, “traditional” expectations for the New York/NJ tristate area are:
Women: black dress and shoes. Could be any fabric (wool, almost like business wear in winter and linen, or cotton in the summer). Tights are optional these days. Leather, suede or velvet shoes. Navy and dark grey can also be acceptable
Men: black suit, dark tie, white shirt, black shoes.
And my condolences to your and yours during a difficult time
posted by raccoon409 at 6:42 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
That being said, “traditional” expectations for the New York/NJ tristate area are:
Women: black dress and shoes. Could be any fabric (wool, almost like business wear in winter and linen, or cotton in the summer). Tights are optional these days. Leather, suede or velvet shoes. Navy and dark grey can also be acceptable
Men: black suit, dark tie, white shirt, black shoes.
And my condolences to your and yours during a difficult time
posted by raccoon409 at 6:42 AM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
When my dad died, my mom matched her dress to his tie, which had a nice medium bright green in it. It made her feel good, kinda like she was dressing up for him one last time, and for a funeral, especially one of someone you are close to, that is the number one thing.
I feel like avoiding overly revealing or overly casual clothing will keep you in the safe zone. more somber colors are still the norm where i live, but not necessarily all black.
If you have black pants you are very comfortable in, find a shirt/sweater or something to go with them and call it a day.
boo to family members who put there energy into judging others.
posted by domino at 6:48 AM on July 12, 2021
I feel like avoiding overly revealing or overly casual clothing will keep you in the safe zone. more somber colors are still the norm where i live, but not necessarily all black.
If you have black pants you are very comfortable in, find a shirt/sweater or something to go with them and call it a day.
boo to family members who put there energy into judging others.
posted by domino at 6:48 AM on July 12, 2021
Nth comfortable clothes in muted colors.
In all the funerals I've been to, of various religions, the only person I ever remember thinking was inappropriately dressed was a sister-in-law of the deceased who was wearing a magenta cocktail dress with a cut-out back in what might generously be described as a "flirty" length. That was weird. Otherwise, you're fine.
You can certainly find a basic black dress at Macy's if that's what you want. But you can also pull any comfortable business casual outfit out of your closet in grey, black, blue, burgundy.
If you're comfortable in black tights then go for it, but it's not any kind of requirement. Don't think I've ever seen anyone wearing those at a funeral.
Yes to reasonably comfortable shoes, as there is usually some walking involved.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:07 AM on July 12, 2021
In all the funerals I've been to, of various religions, the only person I ever remember thinking was inappropriately dressed was a sister-in-law of the deceased who was wearing a magenta cocktail dress with a cut-out back in what might generously be described as a "flirty" length. That was weird. Otherwise, you're fine.
You can certainly find a basic black dress at Macy's if that's what you want. But you can also pull any comfortable business casual outfit out of your closet in grey, black, blue, burgundy.
If you're comfortable in black tights then go for it, but it's not any kind of requirement. Don't think I've ever seen anyone wearing those at a funeral.
Yes to reasonably comfortable shoes, as there is usually some walking involved.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:07 AM on July 12, 2021
Funeral clothing norms vary so much between families and geographic area that it's really hard to say.
Absolutely, this.
When my mom passed, there was a short service at the funeral home before she was cremated. Only the minister, my dad, and I were there. I don't remember what I wore.
For her later Celebration of Life, I wore a grey office-appropriate dress and a ski sweater she had knit for me. My sister and my dad also wore clothing items she had knit. My husband wore a suit and tie. The suit was grey. He only has one. The older ladies who were there wore a variety of things. Lots of flowered blouses that they would have worn to church. My mom didn't really like black clothing.
Is there an item of clothing your dad liked seeing on you?
posted by TORunner at 7:09 AM on July 12, 2021
Absolutely, this.
When my mom passed, there was a short service at the funeral home before she was cremated. Only the minister, my dad, and I were there. I don't remember what I wore.
For her later Celebration of Life, I wore a grey office-appropriate dress and a ski sweater she had knit for me. My sister and my dad also wore clothing items she had knit. My husband wore a suit and tie. The suit was grey. He only has one. The older ladies who were there wore a variety of things. Lots of flowered blouses that they would have worn to church. My mom didn't really like black clothing.
Is there an item of clothing your dad liked seeing on you?
posted by TORunner at 7:09 AM on July 12, 2021
I'm so sorry to hear about your father. If you live here in the US, I can't recommend Poshmark enough for amazing deals on clothes (I got my kid $168 Eileen Fisher pants that look brand new for $45 - TWICE in one week). If you know what size you are and what you're looking for, it's easy. The only thing that sucks is that you have to pay about $8 for shipping each piece. Everything arrives within a week (sellers have seven days to ship priority mail).
Also, don't feel like you need to wear tights in July or that you need to wear black. If your father's favorite color was red or purple, screw Emily Post and celebrate his life and his love. No one has any right to judge you. Warmest hugs to you and your family.
posted by dancinglamb at 7:13 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
Also, don't feel like you need to wear tights in July or that you need to wear black. If your father's favorite color was red or purple, screw Emily Post and celebrate his life and his love. No one has any right to judge you. Warmest hugs to you and your family.
posted by dancinglamb at 7:13 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
I’m sorry for your impending loss. The “buffet dress“ is pretty ubiquitous in the UK right now and always strikes me as a perfect combination of looking both comfortable and smart. It’s long, so you don’t have to think too much about your legs/tights/shoes.
The examples in that article are a bit flouncy, but here’s a simple one from Saint & Sophia that looks comfy and also has pockets for stashing hankies. There are a few different colour options.
posted by penguin pie at 8:35 AM on July 12, 2021
The examples in that article are a bit flouncy, but here’s a simple one from Saint & Sophia that looks comfy and also has pockets for stashing hankies. There are a few different colour options.
posted by penguin pie at 8:35 AM on July 12, 2021
When I wear tights, I almost always wear dance tights. They tend to be sturdier and better fitting, and rarely slip down. (Although, petite ladies might not have this problem in the first place.)
I'm so sorry to hear about your father.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:14 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry to hear about your father.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:14 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
When my father died I wore a red dress and his widow wore a scarlet scarf. The men in the closest family wore ties with lots of red. It was my dad's favorite color, and it made me feel good. The fact that we were all coordinated blunted any potential comments from the attendees, except for those who said how touching it was to all wear his favorite color.
Funeral dress has relaxed quite a bit in the last couple of decades. The vast majority of people who wore what I think of as tradition funeral clothing were age 60 and above. I saw people in golf shirts, khakis, women in jeans and t shirts, but I had plenty on my mind without worrying about what people were wearing. To be honest, all of the family were more conservatively dressed that that, but not all of my male cousins wore jackets - he died in summer - but all wore ties.
In other words, wear what you feel good in, and as long as your husband wears a jacket and button-down shirt and tie I think any other rules are irrelevant. Maybe wide flowy pants with a tunic for you? This would probably make the tights issue irrelevant. Definitely wear comfortable shoes, since you will probably spend a lot of time standing while attendees share memories of your dad and offer their condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by citygirl at 9:56 AM on July 12, 2021
Funeral dress has relaxed quite a bit in the last couple of decades. The vast majority of people who wore what I think of as tradition funeral clothing were age 60 and above. I saw people in golf shirts, khakis, women in jeans and t shirts, but I had plenty on my mind without worrying about what people were wearing. To be honest, all of the family were more conservatively dressed that that, but not all of my male cousins wore jackets - he died in summer - but all wore ties.
In other words, wear what you feel good in, and as long as your husband wears a jacket and button-down shirt and tie I think any other rules are irrelevant. Maybe wide flowy pants with a tunic for you? This would probably make the tights issue irrelevant. Definitely wear comfortable shoes, since you will probably spend a lot of time standing while attendees share memories of your dad and offer their condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by citygirl at 9:56 AM on July 12, 2021
The clothes I wore to my father's funeral came from the Eileen Fisher petites sale section after I tried to find something cheaper elsewhere and failed. It was worth the $300 I spent to feel comfortable and more put together than I would have otherwise (pandemic weight gain rendered my existing nice clothes unwearable). I told the saleswoman what I was looking for and she was kind and helpful about it. For me it was a dress and jacket in a deep rust color and black opaque tights. I wore plain black shoes with that. Pockets for tissues, phone and car keys (I was my mother's driver) helped.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:04 AM on July 12, 2021
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:04 AM on July 12, 2021
I'm sorry for your loss.
When I went to a funeral in AZ during the summer I found a black linen dress at Dillard's and didn't wear tights...I slathered on Monistat's antichafe gel.
posted by brujita at 10:33 AM on July 12, 2021
When I went to a funeral in AZ during the summer I found a black linen dress at Dillard's and didn't wear tights...I slathered on Monistat's antichafe gel.
posted by brujita at 10:33 AM on July 12, 2021
I'm sorry for your impending loss.
I don't know if this is too waist-y for you, but it is about as classic a summer funeral dress as exists and is $40 marked down from $70, which suggests decent quality: Faux-Wrap Jersey Midi Dress. I would plan to carry a black or charcoal cardigan or shawl for air-conditioned spaces. You'll be fine in a black print, navy, or even a dark earth tone, but certainly black would be a no-fret option.
Like others have said, it's absolutely micro-cultural what is and isn't "okay" to wear to funerals now, so to some extent you will have to a) estimate what your family culture benchmark will be b) just commit to whatever you choose and make no apologies. My grandfather's funeral was as formal as an Arkansas winter funeral could be - he was a WWII Purple Heart recipient and a Mason, so we had multiple big funeral rituals, a flyover, flag presentation, and 21-gun salute - but my grandmother had promised him she'd wear red and my mother, aunt, and I wore black slacks because hell no we're not standing on a hillside in 30-degree windchill in dresses. My father and husband wore dark-but-not-black slacks, dress shirts and ties, and overcoats, but many of my grandfather's relative peers wore "church clothes" (in that time and place) or business casual - khakis, dress shirts, no ties (except for the ritual-performing Masons, who were dressed better than anybody there but my papaw). I personally think ties are appropriate for first- and second-degree in-laws, unless that's just not your husband's comfort zone, but I don't think anyone but maybe a son is even remotely expected to wear black or even charcoal or a full suit.
There tends to be so much going on when you are an adult child at the funeral, I would say either carry a normal-for-you shoulder-strap purse with all the normal stuff you need in it, or carry no bag so you don't have to worry about it/hands are free and give your husband a messenger bag and hauling responsibilities, including keeping a notebook to track to-dos, capture contact info for people you may be catching up with for the first time in a long time. Assume your brain is not going to capture any long-term storage during the arrangements and funeral period, write down everything.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:44 AM on July 12, 2021
I don't know if this is too waist-y for you, but it is about as classic a summer funeral dress as exists and is $40 marked down from $70, which suggests decent quality: Faux-Wrap Jersey Midi Dress. I would plan to carry a black or charcoal cardigan or shawl for air-conditioned spaces. You'll be fine in a black print, navy, or even a dark earth tone, but certainly black would be a no-fret option.
Like others have said, it's absolutely micro-cultural what is and isn't "okay" to wear to funerals now, so to some extent you will have to a) estimate what your family culture benchmark will be b) just commit to whatever you choose and make no apologies. My grandfather's funeral was as formal as an Arkansas winter funeral could be - he was a WWII Purple Heart recipient and a Mason, so we had multiple big funeral rituals, a flyover, flag presentation, and 21-gun salute - but my grandmother had promised him she'd wear red and my mother, aunt, and I wore black slacks because hell no we're not standing on a hillside in 30-degree windchill in dresses. My father and husband wore dark-but-not-black slacks, dress shirts and ties, and overcoats, but many of my grandfather's relative peers wore "church clothes" (in that time and place) or business casual - khakis, dress shirts, no ties (except for the ritual-performing Masons, who were dressed better than anybody there but my papaw). I personally think ties are appropriate for first- and second-degree in-laws, unless that's just not your husband's comfort zone, but I don't think anyone but maybe a son is even remotely expected to wear black or even charcoal or a full suit.
There tends to be so much going on when you are an adult child at the funeral, I would say either carry a normal-for-you shoulder-strap purse with all the normal stuff you need in it, or carry no bag so you don't have to worry about it/hands are free and give your husband a messenger bag and hauling responsibilities, including keeping a notebook to track to-dos, capture contact info for people you may be catching up with for the first time in a long time. Assume your brain is not going to capture any long-term storage during the arrangements and funeral period, write down everything.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:44 AM on July 12, 2021
Unless you have an extremely conservative family a short-sleeved tunic and matching loose pants in a somber color would be the most comfortable, especially in a breathable fabric and with pockets.
posted by mareli at 10:45 AM on July 12, 2021
posted by mareli at 10:45 AM on July 12, 2021
If your husband does not have a black suit, I would not go out and buy one. Charcoal (a much more flexible/useful color) is fine. I think the last time I went to a funeral I wore a dark suit of some sort, with a white shirt and subdued color tie.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:08 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:08 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Virtual hugs if you want them.
In the meantime, here's a resource that I hope will make this sad and uncertain time a little easier.
In my travels, I've run across a genius website called Dresses With Pockets. It's not a retailer; instead, it tracks down pocketed dresses (10,000-plus so far) and puts them all in one place, so that people can find them without having to figure who makes dresses w/pockets as well as size, availability, price, etc. (Each listing on dresseswithpockets.com will take you to the manufacturer's website.)
Anyway, I did a search, filtered for length (knee, tea, midi); color (black, gray, purple and blue); size (L and XL; 12 and 14 -- you and I are about the same size, and this is what I wear); sleeves (short, mid); and prices (up to $100 US).
Here's what I found.
My favorite:
eShakti: Sash-tie Chambray Cotton Vented Shift Dress. It will look presentable with a simple necklace, flats, and you can thrown on a cardigan for the over-air-conditioned spaces (churches, funeral homes) where you will have to spend a lot of time.
That said, I have never ordered from eShakti, and MeFites who have have experienced delays in their orders.
Instead, you might want to opt for the Rowena Chambray Shirt Dress from Boden, which isn't quite as stylish as eShakti's Vented Shift but it is more likely to be there when you need it.
And one last total curveball: I kind of love the Katherine dress from the stylish nerds at Svaha. No waist seam, organic cotton, knee-length skirt, mid-length sleeves, and it comes in a gorgeous black, white and red colorway called Herd Immunity.
Also: Whatever dress you wear (if you decide to wear one), you have this internet stranger's permission to ditch the pantyhose. It is just too damn hot. (And people who will judge you for doing so can take a flying leap as far as I'm concerned.)
If going without worries you, a good compromise is stay-up thigh-high stockings from Sock Dreams in Oregon. They deliver amazingly quickly (I live on the other side of the country, and my orders arrive in 2-3 days), and you can trust the exceptionally detailed and straightforward reviews to guide you in the right direction.
posted by virago at 11:29 AM on July 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
In the meantime, here's a resource that I hope will make this sad and uncertain time a little easier.
In my travels, I've run across a genius website called Dresses With Pockets. It's not a retailer; instead, it tracks down pocketed dresses (10,000-plus so far) and puts them all in one place, so that people can find them without having to figure who makes dresses w/pockets as well as size, availability, price, etc. (Each listing on dresseswithpockets.com will take you to the manufacturer's website.)
Anyway, I did a search, filtered for length (knee, tea, midi); color (black, gray, purple and blue); size (L and XL; 12 and 14 -- you and I are about the same size, and this is what I wear); sleeves (short, mid); and prices (up to $100 US).
Here's what I found.
My favorite:
eShakti: Sash-tie Chambray Cotton Vented Shift Dress. It will look presentable with a simple necklace, flats, and you can thrown on a cardigan for the over-air-conditioned spaces (churches, funeral homes) where you will have to spend a lot of time.
That said, I have never ordered from eShakti, and MeFites who have have experienced delays in their orders.
Instead, you might want to opt for the Rowena Chambray Shirt Dress from Boden, which isn't quite as stylish as eShakti's Vented Shift but it is more likely to be there when you need it.
And one last total curveball: I kind of love the Katherine dress from the stylish nerds at Svaha. No waist seam, organic cotton, knee-length skirt, mid-length sleeves, and it comes in a gorgeous black, white and red colorway called Herd Immunity.
Also: Whatever dress you wear (if you decide to wear one), you have this internet stranger's permission to ditch the pantyhose. It is just too damn hot. (And people who will judge you for doing so can take a flying leap as far as I'm concerned.)
If going without worries you, a good compromise is stay-up thigh-high stockings from Sock Dreams in Oregon. They deliver amazingly quickly (I live on the other side of the country, and my orders arrive in 2-3 days), and you can trust the exceptionally detailed and straightforward reviews to guide you in the right direction.
posted by virago at 11:29 AM on July 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I'd feel weird best answering dresses for Dad's funeral but these are all really on-target great ideas and even if not for funeral I found a lot of great dresses.
Thank you everyone for your great ideas and support and new leads for comfortable clothing and especially with *pockets*.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:42 PM on July 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
Thank you everyone for your great ideas and support and new leads for comfortable clothing and especially with *pockets*.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:42 PM on July 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
We just had the memorial for my wife's grandmother in a United Methodist Church in Minnesota. Attire ranged dramatically and it really didn't seem like anyone stood out or was judged for it. I went with a black suit, white shirt, and black neck tie. Dr. Advicepig wore a black jersey dress. She brought her everyday casual purse to hold her stuff. The rest of the family came in typical church clothes. Some men in a dress shirt with no tie and khakis. Most women in a dress of some sort, but few were black.
Her grandfather's memorial is this weekend, and I think both of us are wearing the same things as last time, but if either of us felt uncomfortable in those clothes, I think we'd have no qualms stepping back into some muted colored other outfits that would be business casual or so.
Love and strength to you from us here in Minnesota.
posted by advicepig at 6:57 AM on July 13, 2021
Her grandfather's memorial is this weekend, and I think both of us are wearing the same things as last time, but if either of us felt uncomfortable in those clothes, I think we'd have no qualms stepping back into some muted colored other outfits that would be business casual or so.
Love and strength to you from us here in Minnesota.
posted by advicepig at 6:57 AM on July 13, 2021
A brief follow-up to my earlier comment.
I dislike stockings aka nylons, but sometimes they are unavoidable because of the formality of the event and/or because of the need to settle the issue and move on.
Stockings for hot-weather occasions: I gather from the reviews on Sock Dreams and elsewhere (NSFW; NSFW, and NSFW -- the last review is by a D size reviewer with a D size partner) that the stay-up thigh-highs made and sold by Kixies are the go-to brand in terms of a) comfort and b) staying up.
They are sized by height, weight and thigh circumference:
A: Height: 4 feet 11 inches to 5 feet 5 inches. Thighs: Up to 20 inches. Weight: 90-140 pounds.
B: Height: 5 feet 5 inches to 6 feet. Thighs: Up to 25 inches. Weight: 125-170.
C: Height: 4 feet 11 inches to 5 feet 5 inches. Thighs: Up to 30 inches. Weight: 140-240+.
D: Height: 5 feet 5 inches to 6 feet. Thighs: Up to 35 inches. Weight: 170-260+.
posted by virago at 9:47 AM on July 13, 2021 [1 favorite]
I dislike stockings aka nylons, but sometimes they are unavoidable because of the formality of the event and/or because of the need to settle the issue and move on.
Stockings for hot-weather occasions: I gather from the reviews on Sock Dreams and elsewhere (NSFW; NSFW, and NSFW -- the last review is by a D size reviewer with a D size partner) that the stay-up thigh-highs made and sold by Kixies are the go-to brand in terms of a) comfort and b) staying up.
They are sized by height, weight and thigh circumference:
A: Height: 4 feet 11 inches to 5 feet 5 inches. Thighs: Up to 20 inches. Weight: 90-140 pounds.
B: Height: 5 feet 5 inches to 6 feet. Thighs: Up to 25 inches. Weight: 125-170.
C: Height: 4 feet 11 inches to 5 feet 5 inches. Thighs: Up to 30 inches. Weight: 140-240+.
D: Height: 5 feet 5 inches to 6 feet. Thighs: Up to 35 inches. Weight: 170-260+.
posted by virago at 9:47 AM on July 13, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by BibiRose at 4:01 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]