Abusive parents as an adult?
July 11, 2021 11:15 AM Subscribe
I quit a bad job situation and moved back in with my parents about a month ago. We weren't particularly close but had a normal upbringing, nothing bad. I'm in my mid-30s and they've been incredibly abusive. How do I cope with this until I can get out?
To be clear I was not abused in the least growing up, they were strict but there was definitely nothing like spanking or anything that would raise eyebrows. The only weird thing came post-college when I moved away to NYC/London and they refused to come visit me for 10 years as they didn't like the cities due to outdated stereotypes. We didn't talk much and they derided me moving there not as a way to propel my career but as a "fantasy" I wanted to fulfil. I just sort of ignored it.
Before Covid I created a startup with two other people and some outside investment by two large restaurant groups. Covid hit and with some additional outside funding we managed to lip along until burning through savings. It was like many other startups, a good idea at an incredibly bad time. I decided it might be a good time to get back into the working world and build up my savings again, I asked my parents if I could stay with them. They almost insisted that I stay with them. They're retired, financially very well off. I was definitely not there to "mooch" off them but things got really weird and they sort of set me up to fail:
1. Seeing a business spectacularly fail after so many years put into it was kind of depressing, I went through a time of heavy drinking, but got help and I've been sober for 6 months before moving in with them. I was open about this, which shocked them. I've been going to meetings once a month and seeing a therapist. It is no longer an issue at all, was not the cause of any problems in the business failing, I just got into a depression and alcohol was a way to forget.
2. My parents bring up point one all the time as a reason for me "being in my own mess," which I tried to calmly explain was not the downfall of the business. There were other business partners in it with me with equal stake, but they see this as a major character fault. I suggested that we all go to therapy together, they were adamant that they did not have a problem so they did not need therapy.
3. Several times while one of the few times I've left the house since being here we were on a drive to get my vaccination. They saw people underneath the bridge. My mom told me to wave as if I didn't get my life turned around that was going to be me. I have been having high level interviews at some very large production studios to join their finance department, these are all director level. I've only been living with my parents for about a month. Again, I'm sober and spend most my days interviewing or reading quietly in my room.
4. I put my very nice, some worth considerable amounts of money, furniture in storage. I moved it across the country and I noticed my large dining room table now is in my parent's bedroom. Apparently my brother and cousins also took what they wanted from it. This was not discussed with me and a major violation of privacy in my opinion. I brought it up and my mom casually mentioned "you're a former drunk and homeless, you don't need it." I would have gladly given it out if asked ironically, but as my finances are not great right now I was looking to sell some of the more valuable Herman Miller originals. I did not say anything, I let it go telling myself it wasn't worth it.
5. Despite having multiple empty bedrooms they set me up in a walk-in closet in the basement. It was a completely renovated closet with carpets, etc. It was a very nice walk-in closet but could fit a twin bed and a dressed and that was it. Not even dorm size, which I did not complain about. They kept telling people they were doing "all they could" and "set me up in practically my own little apartment." I assumed the walk-in closet was their passive-aggressive way of making me not very comfortable so I wouldn't stay. I asked them later, what they meant by having my own apartment, and my mom started crying saying she was doing all she can. This was not normal behavior for them. I asked if maybe I could stay in one of the guest bedrooms but they said they needed those if they had company. They had not had company in the 15 years they've had the house.
6. Today was the tipping point. I was told I could only use one of the five bathrooms. Late at night, if I was watching television I would use one of the forbidden bathrooms. I never understood why I couldn't use them other than one time I forgot to flush when I was half awake, but was told I was a messy person who couldn't be trusted. My dad (mid to late 70s) became incredibly angry and irate. I never seen him so angry. Asking me if I was deaf, if I spoke English, spit coming out his mouth. I stayed very calm and answered in yes or no. He went on a long rant saying that I was in a bad place, I needed them, I needed to show respect, just yelling at the top of his lungs. I stayed calm but this time refused to apologize as I don't know what I did wrong. Apparently the towel was not hung up correctly but it didn't matter, I was told the bathroom that they don't use next to the television room was off limits as was every other bathroom but the one designated for me. My mom left in tears saying it was my own fault and I should have known better and I need to apologize and promise not to do it again. I feel this goes beyond their house, their rules and into manipulation and abuse territory. I refused to apologize, I demanded to know what they thought was disgusting and messy about the bathroom and I was tired of being treated in this manner. They said it didn't matter if it was actually messy or disgusting that it was off limits. I stated even if I made a mess their response to it was unacceptable.
7. There was some litigation regarding the aforementioned business that is not contentious at all but is how businesses with assets and liabilities wind down. I was getting some mail at my parents house that was not a big deal and sent right onto a lawyer but they opened and found concerning. They're now going through all my mail and want to be on my bank accounts to see how I'm spending money. I'm not spending money, I pay my phone bill, food and the therapist. I only leave the house to go out on jogs. This is largely out of necessity but if I went out on a Friday to get food or hang out with some friends they'd immediately assume the worse, so I don't.
I could go on, but they've been incredibly unsupportive in my sobriety .... constantly reminding me that I was a drunk. They feel as if starting my own company was foolish and I was trying to "get rich quick." I was supposed to get offers this week but being a holiday week the executive to sign off on it decided to extend their vacation. Getting an apartment on my own is difficult without a job and dipping into savings. I'm fairly certain I'll have a job in a month or two, even if this one does not go through. I do not want to impose on friends because I do not have a set end date, especially if the interview process drags on or they can't hire me to the next fiscal quarter. If I had known moving back in would have been an issue I would not done it and arranged things differently but due to a number of factors I can't just pick up and leave, that would probably in the long run put me in a worse spot.
After today's outburst I am, however, beginning to wonder if this goes beyond my parents being upset that I didn't turn out to be a success, another thing they remind me they gave me the world and I ruined all my opportunities. I found the whole thing ridiculous, that an elderly man was going to physically intimidate me? They're threatening to throw me out if I don't apologize but I'm beginning to feel as if they found me at a low point where I needed them and they're being manipulative. I hadn't needed their help since high school. Per my therapist the constant threats of throwing me out, of irrational responses and escalating controlling behavior are classic manipulation techniques. They never did this when I lived with them close to twenty years ago.
Any idea how to proceed with this? I initially had this question as perhaps they had early signs of dementia, but now I'm wondering how best to proceed. I'm in no physical danger but assume for at least a month I cannot get out. I can get no social services as for the sake of brevity I made too much previously. Long term I'd like to get my parents help as I think there's something going on beyond them just being curmudgeons. My mom and dad both get along fine so there's no fighting between them, I do live underneath a vent so I hear a lot and surprisingly they're completely normal when I'm not around. Maybe I'm more generous or accepting of people but they have entire rooms that go completely unused and I'm also not allowed to use them. A more benign example would be they don't want me to use the movie theater they have as they worry the bulb on the projector will burn out. Curious one day I turned it on to see when the last time it was on, it was four years ago. That I did not care about, but the bathrooms and being trapped literally in a closet I worry will begin to negatively impact my job search and demotivate me. Frankly I'm beginning to fall into the trap that I am what they say I am, but when that's all you hear it takes a lot of mental fortitude to remind myself of my accomplishments and that I don't define myself on my job title and what firm I happen to work at.
Again, I'm afraid if I burn through the rest of my savings and get out of here immediately I'll be always 90 days away from finding a long term place. If I was younger it would be more feasible but I do not feel as if I can backpack and surf on friend's couches, or what's the worse of two evils. Looking to see if anyone else has any suggestions to help keep my sanity? Or maybe splitting is the dangerous but best choice for my mental health? Again, I'm not physically in danger and they won't just kick me out despite their bluster. It is just unnecessary drama everyday.
This is already long but I don't know if this is relevant: My parents have a really good relationship with my brother. He never moved away from our hometown and lives around 15 minutes away from them. He comes over for weekly dinners and is completely subservient to them. He tells them everything, he let them pick out which house they wanted him to buy for a first house and they dutifully gave him a large down payment. They pay for a large number of his bills. I'm older and when they started to dictate which college i would go to, I stopped that cold and consequently neither asked for nor received any financial or other assistance from them since i was 18. I'm not bitter nor do I really care what he does with his life, but I'm beginning to see a pattern of manipulation that I either did not see or was too busy with life to care about?
To be clear I was not abused in the least growing up, they were strict but there was definitely nothing like spanking or anything that would raise eyebrows. The only weird thing came post-college when I moved away to NYC/London and they refused to come visit me for 10 years as they didn't like the cities due to outdated stereotypes. We didn't talk much and they derided me moving there not as a way to propel my career but as a "fantasy" I wanted to fulfil. I just sort of ignored it.
Before Covid I created a startup with two other people and some outside investment by two large restaurant groups. Covid hit and with some additional outside funding we managed to lip along until burning through savings. It was like many other startups, a good idea at an incredibly bad time. I decided it might be a good time to get back into the working world and build up my savings again, I asked my parents if I could stay with them. They almost insisted that I stay with them. They're retired, financially very well off. I was definitely not there to "mooch" off them but things got really weird and they sort of set me up to fail:
1. Seeing a business spectacularly fail after so many years put into it was kind of depressing, I went through a time of heavy drinking, but got help and I've been sober for 6 months before moving in with them. I was open about this, which shocked them. I've been going to meetings once a month and seeing a therapist. It is no longer an issue at all, was not the cause of any problems in the business failing, I just got into a depression and alcohol was a way to forget.
2. My parents bring up point one all the time as a reason for me "being in my own mess," which I tried to calmly explain was not the downfall of the business. There were other business partners in it with me with equal stake, but they see this as a major character fault. I suggested that we all go to therapy together, they were adamant that they did not have a problem so they did not need therapy.
3. Several times while one of the few times I've left the house since being here we were on a drive to get my vaccination. They saw people underneath the bridge. My mom told me to wave as if I didn't get my life turned around that was going to be me. I have been having high level interviews at some very large production studios to join their finance department, these are all director level. I've only been living with my parents for about a month. Again, I'm sober and spend most my days interviewing or reading quietly in my room.
4. I put my very nice, some worth considerable amounts of money, furniture in storage. I moved it across the country and I noticed my large dining room table now is in my parent's bedroom. Apparently my brother and cousins also took what they wanted from it. This was not discussed with me and a major violation of privacy in my opinion. I brought it up and my mom casually mentioned "you're a former drunk and homeless, you don't need it." I would have gladly given it out if asked ironically, but as my finances are not great right now I was looking to sell some of the more valuable Herman Miller originals. I did not say anything, I let it go telling myself it wasn't worth it.
5. Despite having multiple empty bedrooms they set me up in a walk-in closet in the basement. It was a completely renovated closet with carpets, etc. It was a very nice walk-in closet but could fit a twin bed and a dressed and that was it. Not even dorm size, which I did not complain about. They kept telling people they were doing "all they could" and "set me up in practically my own little apartment." I assumed the walk-in closet was their passive-aggressive way of making me not very comfortable so I wouldn't stay. I asked them later, what they meant by having my own apartment, and my mom started crying saying she was doing all she can. This was not normal behavior for them. I asked if maybe I could stay in one of the guest bedrooms but they said they needed those if they had company. They had not had company in the 15 years they've had the house.
6. Today was the tipping point. I was told I could only use one of the five bathrooms. Late at night, if I was watching television I would use one of the forbidden bathrooms. I never understood why I couldn't use them other than one time I forgot to flush when I was half awake, but was told I was a messy person who couldn't be trusted. My dad (mid to late 70s) became incredibly angry and irate. I never seen him so angry. Asking me if I was deaf, if I spoke English, spit coming out his mouth. I stayed very calm and answered in yes or no. He went on a long rant saying that I was in a bad place, I needed them, I needed to show respect, just yelling at the top of his lungs. I stayed calm but this time refused to apologize as I don't know what I did wrong. Apparently the towel was not hung up correctly but it didn't matter, I was told the bathroom that they don't use next to the television room was off limits as was every other bathroom but the one designated for me. My mom left in tears saying it was my own fault and I should have known better and I need to apologize and promise not to do it again. I feel this goes beyond their house, their rules and into manipulation and abuse territory. I refused to apologize, I demanded to know what they thought was disgusting and messy about the bathroom and I was tired of being treated in this manner. They said it didn't matter if it was actually messy or disgusting that it was off limits. I stated even if I made a mess their response to it was unacceptable.
7. There was some litigation regarding the aforementioned business that is not contentious at all but is how businesses with assets and liabilities wind down. I was getting some mail at my parents house that was not a big deal and sent right onto a lawyer but they opened and found concerning. They're now going through all my mail and want to be on my bank accounts to see how I'm spending money. I'm not spending money, I pay my phone bill, food and the therapist. I only leave the house to go out on jogs. This is largely out of necessity but if I went out on a Friday to get food or hang out with some friends they'd immediately assume the worse, so I don't.
I could go on, but they've been incredibly unsupportive in my sobriety .... constantly reminding me that I was a drunk. They feel as if starting my own company was foolish and I was trying to "get rich quick." I was supposed to get offers this week but being a holiday week the executive to sign off on it decided to extend their vacation. Getting an apartment on my own is difficult without a job and dipping into savings. I'm fairly certain I'll have a job in a month or two, even if this one does not go through. I do not want to impose on friends because I do not have a set end date, especially if the interview process drags on or they can't hire me to the next fiscal quarter. If I had known moving back in would have been an issue I would not done it and arranged things differently but due to a number of factors I can't just pick up and leave, that would probably in the long run put me in a worse spot.
After today's outburst I am, however, beginning to wonder if this goes beyond my parents being upset that I didn't turn out to be a success, another thing they remind me they gave me the world and I ruined all my opportunities. I found the whole thing ridiculous, that an elderly man was going to physically intimidate me? They're threatening to throw me out if I don't apologize but I'm beginning to feel as if they found me at a low point where I needed them and they're being manipulative. I hadn't needed their help since high school. Per my therapist the constant threats of throwing me out, of irrational responses and escalating controlling behavior are classic manipulation techniques. They never did this when I lived with them close to twenty years ago.
Any idea how to proceed with this? I initially had this question as perhaps they had early signs of dementia, but now I'm wondering how best to proceed. I'm in no physical danger but assume for at least a month I cannot get out. I can get no social services as for the sake of brevity I made too much previously. Long term I'd like to get my parents help as I think there's something going on beyond them just being curmudgeons. My mom and dad both get along fine so there's no fighting between them, I do live underneath a vent so I hear a lot and surprisingly they're completely normal when I'm not around. Maybe I'm more generous or accepting of people but they have entire rooms that go completely unused and I'm also not allowed to use them. A more benign example would be they don't want me to use the movie theater they have as they worry the bulb on the projector will burn out. Curious one day I turned it on to see when the last time it was on, it was four years ago. That I did not care about, but the bathrooms and being trapped literally in a closet I worry will begin to negatively impact my job search and demotivate me. Frankly I'm beginning to fall into the trap that I am what they say I am, but when that's all you hear it takes a lot of mental fortitude to remind myself of my accomplishments and that I don't define myself on my job title and what firm I happen to work at.
Again, I'm afraid if I burn through the rest of my savings and get out of here immediately I'll be always 90 days away from finding a long term place. If I was younger it would be more feasible but I do not feel as if I can backpack and surf on friend's couches, or what's the worse of two evils. Looking to see if anyone else has any suggestions to help keep my sanity? Or maybe splitting is the dangerous but best choice for my mental health? Again, I'm not physically in danger and they won't just kick me out despite their bluster. It is just unnecessary drama everyday.
This is already long but I don't know if this is relevant: My parents have a really good relationship with my brother. He never moved away from our hometown and lives around 15 minutes away from them. He comes over for weekly dinners and is completely subservient to them. He tells them everything, he let them pick out which house they wanted him to buy for a first house and they dutifully gave him a large down payment. They pay for a large number of his bills. I'm older and when they started to dictate which college i would go to, I stopped that cold and consequently neither asked for nor received any financial or other assistance from them since i was 18. I'm not bitter nor do I really care what he does with his life, but I'm beginning to see a pattern of manipulation that I either did not see or was too busy with life to care about?
I don't know if I can offer any concrete advice about this situation, but I wanted to express support for your sobriety and sanity. I think your parents are showing signs of early-onset dementia (caveat: IANAD), and the entire scenario is toxic in the extreme. I would go no contact with them and everyone who stole your furniture and goods as soon as that is practicable. I wish you every success in life and in your sobriety–and I say that as a PTSD survivor who is also in recovery–and hope that you are hired in the next sixty seconds so you can leave their house forever.
One thing you might consider, if you know they really won't every kick you out, is noise-cancelling headphones at all times and a blanket refusal to engage on any topic, even the time of day. You should also get a PO box, either with USPS or at the box store, and begin to act as if they don't exist. They have shown that being polite doesn't matter: they will be rude and hurtfully dismissive regardless of your behavior, as senile people frequently do. Limiting eye contact as much as possible will go a long way toward helping your ambient mental state.
Protect yourself at every turn and at all costs: they'll be dead soon, and you're going to have to live with the consequences of their abuse for a long time.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:36 AM on July 11, 2021 [15 favorites]
One thing you might consider, if you know they really won't every kick you out, is noise-cancelling headphones at all times and a blanket refusal to engage on any topic, even the time of day. You should also get a PO box, either with USPS or at the box store, and begin to act as if they don't exist. They have shown that being polite doesn't matter: they will be rude and hurtfully dismissive regardless of your behavior, as senile people frequently do. Limiting eye contact as much as possible will go a long way toward helping your ambient mental state.
Protect yourself at every turn and at all costs: they'll be dead soon, and you're going to have to live with the consequences of their abuse for a long time.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:36 AM on July 11, 2021 [15 favorites]
Offer free petsitting and free housesitting to get you out of the house.
Volunteer in the community to get you out of the house, pandemic allowing in your area.
Go for long walks; exercise more.
Write a bunch of truths about yourself that you'll be needing to hear until you move out, and re-read the list (and add to it as needed) every day.
posted by aniola at 11:37 AM on July 11, 2021 [24 favorites]
Volunteer in the community to get you out of the house, pandemic allowing in your area.
Go for long walks; exercise more.
Write a bunch of truths about yourself that you'll be needing to hear until you move out, and re-read the list (and add to it as needed) every day.
posted by aniola at 11:37 AM on July 11, 2021 [24 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going though this. You're not in physical danger, and you have good job prospects coming up which will allow you to move out on a few months' timescale.
In the mean time... you're a wizard, Harry. Cosplay at living in the cupboard under the stairs for just a little longer and you will be all right.
posted by heatherlogan at 11:37 AM on July 11, 2021 [27 favorites]
In the mean time... you're a wizard, Harry. Cosplay at living in the cupboard under the stairs for just a little longer and you will be all right.
posted by heatherlogan at 11:37 AM on July 11, 2021 [27 favorites]
Honestly, I think the way you handled that outburst on your father's part was spot-on. You were polite but firm, and you stuck to your own boundaries about things. You maybe feel crappy about it now - because that wasn't a pleasant thing to experience - but you are realizing that this isn't about you having used the incorrect bathroom, this is about your parents putting HUGE burdens on you.
Because they are. They are being absolutely ridiculous and cruel.
I think that since it isn't possible for you to move out right away, I would keep your head down and focus on getting to a point where you CAN move out - letting friends and the therapist be your support system - and then when you do move out, take your stuff with you, including the dining room set that they helped themselves to.
Another thing: it sounds like you are trying to puzzle out the reason why They Are Like That. You even say that you are considering getting them "long term help" in case it is dementia. But I can't help but point out that it sounds like they were this way earlier, because of the different way they treat you and your brother - your brother goes along with everything they say and they dote on him, but you never did and they cut you off.
And your efforts to try to figure out Why They Are Like That just remind me of the efforts people made to get me to "understand" why my bullies Were Like That. But the problem is that neither your efforts to figure out what motivates your parents nor my own efforts to figure out what motivated my bullies did anything to address the real problem - that it wasn't fair to EITHER of us to GET bullied. WHO CARES why your parents are doing what they're doing - the problem is that you are starting to become afraid it will HARM you. Your energy should be focused on protecting yourself in the short term - enforcing the boundaries you can, working towards removing yourself from the situation - and then reinforcing those boundaries going forward once you're out of the house.
And I'm perfectly serious about taking your own stuff with you when you move. If you were planning on selling it, then your parents can buy it from you if they want it so bad.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on July 11, 2021 [29 favorites]
Because they are. They are being absolutely ridiculous and cruel.
I think that since it isn't possible for you to move out right away, I would keep your head down and focus on getting to a point where you CAN move out - letting friends and the therapist be your support system - and then when you do move out, take your stuff with you, including the dining room set that they helped themselves to.
Another thing: it sounds like you are trying to puzzle out the reason why They Are Like That. You even say that you are considering getting them "long term help" in case it is dementia. But I can't help but point out that it sounds like they were this way earlier, because of the different way they treat you and your brother - your brother goes along with everything they say and they dote on him, but you never did and they cut you off.
And your efforts to try to figure out Why They Are Like That just remind me of the efforts people made to get me to "understand" why my bullies Were Like That. But the problem is that neither your efforts to figure out what motivates your parents nor my own efforts to figure out what motivated my bullies did anything to address the real problem - that it wasn't fair to EITHER of us to GET bullied. WHO CARES why your parents are doing what they're doing - the problem is that you are starting to become afraid it will HARM you. Your energy should be focused on protecting yourself in the short term - enforcing the boundaries you can, working towards removing yourself from the situation - and then reinforcing those boundaries going forward once you're out of the house.
And I'm perfectly serious about taking your own stuff with you when you move. If you were planning on selling it, then your parents can buy it from you if they want it so bad.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on July 11, 2021 [29 favorites]
So distributing your expensive furniture is not a violation of privacy. It is theft. If selling it would help you get out sooner, I think that is the hill you need to die on. I’m so sorry you are in this terrible situation, and please give yourself credit for staying sober with this awful stress.
posted by FencingGal at 11:46 AM on July 11, 2021 [82 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 11:46 AM on July 11, 2021 [82 favorites]
You're a little older than I am and a little further along on your career, but if you were my friend I would 100% let you stay with me as long as you needed, especially if you told me about all of this, but even if you didn't. It's been a hard year, and it seems like a "chosen family" would supply a healthier environment than your bio family right now. Don't write it off because of where you think you ought to be or pride or whatever.
posted by papayaninja at 11:47 AM on July 11, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by papayaninja at 11:47 AM on July 11, 2021 [17 favorites]
Getting an apartment on my own is difficult without a job and dipping into savings.
Personally, I'd rather be homeless than live in that environment. Consider finding a roommate situation and/or dipping into savings.
posted by aniola at 11:48 AM on July 11, 2021 [21 favorites]
Personally, I'd rather be homeless than live in that environment. Consider finding a roommate situation and/or dipping into savings.
posted by aniola at 11:48 AM on July 11, 2021 [21 favorites]
Or maybe splitting is the dangerous but best choice for my mental health?
Can you explain more about why you describe leaving as dangerous? I think if you can sublet a cheap room somewhere, or stay with friends, that would be a very good move and worth the cost. What's your situation with regards to savings? (If you want to provide more information about this question, you can contact the mods to have them add it anonymously.)
I put my very nice, some worth considerable amounts of money, furniture in storage. I moved it across the country and I noticed my large dining room table now is in my parent's bedroom. Apparently my brother and cousins also took what they wanted from it.
I'm missing something - when you say you put it in storage, do you mean at their house? Or at an actual storage business? Them taking furniture without telling you is bad enough in the former case; if the latter, how did they even get access to it? Either way, I'd get the stuff back from everyone and sell it as quickly as possible. If there are things you don't care about selling, I'd still tell the people who took them that they were taken without your knowledge and that you'll be wanting them back as soon as you have space for them, and if they're not okay with that then they can just return them right now.
Why this is happening: It might be dementia; it might be a kind of radicalization (like what happens to people who spend years watching Fox News nonstop), made worse by increased isolation after retirement. Given what you said about how they wouldn't visit their own son for 10 years because of "outdated stereotypes" about two vibrant cities, and other things like how they've never had people over in 15 years (?), it sounds like maybe they've always had these tendencies?
Do you have any kind of decent relationship with your brother, cousins, or any other mutual family or friends? Is there anyone you could talk with about what's going on with them (and maybe a sympathetic ear who'd also be willing to put you up for a bit)? Even if you don't have a fixed end date, if there are people willing to host you you can stay with them for an agreed amount of time and commit to moving out and renting a place afterwards.
Anyway, get out, ideally as soon as you can. They're not rational or kind, whatever the reason may be. In the meantime, adhere to their stupid rules, for the same reason.
posted by trig at 11:56 AM on July 11, 2021 [14 favorites]
Can you explain more about why you describe leaving as dangerous? I think if you can sublet a cheap room somewhere, or stay with friends, that would be a very good move and worth the cost. What's your situation with regards to savings? (If you want to provide more information about this question, you can contact the mods to have them add it anonymously.)
I put my very nice, some worth considerable amounts of money, furniture in storage. I moved it across the country and I noticed my large dining room table now is in my parent's bedroom. Apparently my brother and cousins also took what they wanted from it.
I'm missing something - when you say you put it in storage, do you mean at their house? Or at an actual storage business? Them taking furniture without telling you is bad enough in the former case; if the latter, how did they even get access to it? Either way, I'd get the stuff back from everyone and sell it as quickly as possible. If there are things you don't care about selling, I'd still tell the people who took them that they were taken without your knowledge and that you'll be wanting them back as soon as you have space for them, and if they're not okay with that then they can just return them right now.
Why this is happening: It might be dementia; it might be a kind of radicalization (like what happens to people who spend years watching Fox News nonstop), made worse by increased isolation after retirement. Given what you said about how they wouldn't visit their own son for 10 years because of "outdated stereotypes" about two vibrant cities, and other things like how they've never had people over in 15 years (?), it sounds like maybe they've always had these tendencies?
Do you have any kind of decent relationship with your brother, cousins, or any other mutual family or friends? Is there anyone you could talk with about what's going on with them (and maybe a sympathetic ear who'd also be willing to put you up for a bit)? Even if you don't have a fixed end date, if there are people willing to host you you can stay with them for an agreed amount of time and commit to moving out and renting a place afterwards.
Anyway, get out, ideally as soon as you can. They're not rational or kind, whatever the reason may be. In the meantime, adhere to their stupid rules, for the same reason.
posted by trig at 11:56 AM on July 11, 2021 [14 favorites]
So that thing that happened after college, for 10+ years? That was abusive. They didn't visit you OR CALL YOU for 10 years because they didn't like where you lived. That isn't normal. It just isn't. I wonder if things like that happened while you were growing up, too, and you just didn't recognize it as abuse at the time? Your parents are emotionally and psychologically abusing you right now and they did it to you for 10 years after college. I highly doubt this is dementia. It sounds more like an escalation to me.
Get out as soon as you can, even if it means dipping into savings. Moving out does not mean you will be homeless if you don't immediately get a job. Savings is meant for emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
posted by cooker girl at 12:00 PM on July 11, 2021 [86 favorites]
Get out as soon as you can, even if it means dipping into savings. Moving out does not mean you will be homeless if you don't immediately get a job. Savings is meant for emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
posted by cooker girl at 12:00 PM on July 11, 2021 [86 favorites]
They saw people underneath the bridge. My mom told me to wave as if I didn't get my life turned around that was going to be me.
This alone is inexcusable.
The question is how do you cope with this until you get out. You say you don't want to burden friends, but try asking discretely around. I'm sure there is someone who would be glad to have you stay until you get on your feet. You really need to get out of that environment right now.
As someone else said, I hope you get a new job in the next 90 seconds.
posted by maggiemaggie at 12:03 PM on July 11, 2021 [13 favorites]
This alone is inexcusable.
The question is how do you cope with this until you get out. You say you don't want to burden friends, but try asking discretely around. I'm sure there is someone who would be glad to have you stay until you get on your feet. You really need to get out of that environment right now.
As someone else said, I hope you get a new job in the next 90 seconds.
posted by maggiemaggie at 12:03 PM on July 11, 2021 [13 favorites]
I feel this goes beyond their house, their rules and into manipulation and abuse territory. I refused to apologize, I demanded to know what they thought was disgusting and messy about the bathroom and I was tired of being treated in this manner. They said it didn't matter if it was actually messy or disgusting that it was off limits. I stated even if I made a mess their response to it was unacceptable.
Oh, and you're right about how you feel about all this, but they really do not sound like people it's a good idea to argue with. Again, they're neither rational nor kind. Just apologize when they demand it, do a gray rock thing, and get out.
Since there's no point hoping they'll ever say it: I'm sorry you're in this situation.
posted by trig at 12:06 PM on July 11, 2021 [6 favorites]
Oh, and you're right about how you feel about all this, but they really do not sound like people it's a good idea to argue with. Again, they're neither rational nor kind. Just apologize when they demand it, do a gray rock thing, and get out.
Since there's no point hoping they'll ever say it: I'm sorry you're in this situation.
posted by trig at 12:06 PM on July 11, 2021 [6 favorites]
I do not want to impose on friends because I do not have a set end date, especially if the interview process drags on or they can't hire me to the next fiscal quarter.
I suggest you reconsider this. At least ask. You are living in a situation that is unhealthy, disturbing, and abusive. I'm not going to speculate on your parents' health or motivations, I'm just encouraging you to really think through all of your options and don't let your pride or assumptions get in the way. I get that you are concerned leaving now could make things worse long term, but staying in this situation you are in now absolutely will make things worse in the long run.
posted by sm1tten at 12:09 PM on July 11, 2021 [12 favorites]
I suggest you reconsider this. At least ask. You are living in a situation that is unhealthy, disturbing, and abusive. I'm not going to speculate on your parents' health or motivations, I'm just encouraging you to really think through all of your options and don't let your pride or assumptions get in the way. I get that you are concerned leaving now could make things worse long term, but staying in this situation you are in now absolutely will make things worse in the long run.
posted by sm1tten at 12:09 PM on July 11, 2021 [12 favorites]
You need to get out as soon as possible. Decide where in the country you'd like to live, sell stuff, use credit cards, whatever, but move somewhere and get any job that will pay bills. You don't have to put a crap job on your resume. Or impose on friends for a month or 3. Or buy a van and hit the road (I did this, minivan, it was a great 5 month road trip). Your parents are going to sap every bit of joy, they are killing your mojo.
Meanwhile, when they are jerks, label it and walk away. Ex.:
That's a bitchy thing to say.
Why are you being rude(disrespectful, crass, mean, boorish, coarse, ignorant, insulting, uncivil, gross) like that?
I show you respect; you should show me a little.
and leave the room, house, town, as needed.
It's a shame your parents can't help you out, because you're in a crappy place and need support they don't have to give.
posted by theora55 at 12:40 PM on July 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
Meanwhile, when they are jerks, label it and walk away. Ex.:
That's a bitchy thing to say.
Why are you being rude(disrespectful, crass, mean, boorish, coarse, ignorant, insulting, uncivil, gross) like that?
I show you respect; you should show me a little.
and leave the room, house, town, as needed.
It's a shame your parents can't help you out, because you're in a crappy place and need support they don't have to give.
posted by theora55 at 12:40 PM on July 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
You are trapped and aren't seeing things clearly. You have so many options besides returning to whatever living situation you had before (friends, house shares, roommate situations, etc.), and given your resume, you clearly have options in terms of a job. You will be okay if you leave, but you are not okay now.
posted by 10ch at 12:58 PM on July 11, 2021 [18 favorites]
posted by 10ch at 12:58 PM on July 11, 2021 [18 favorites]
Hi, this topic is very challenging for me and I can't really read the replies, but I just want to say that I really feel for you and see you, I'm very proud of your sobriety (congrats, that is such hard work and really speaks to the fact that you can do the hard work and take care of yourself) and I think it's the best thing for you to do is get as far away from your parents as you possibly can. I'm really sorry. Trauma therapy with a focus on internal family systems has helped me deal with grief and anger over my own, very similar, parents. I don't know if that's an option for you.
Whether or not your parents were abusive when you were growing up is maybe not useful to dig into now (in my own experience, it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that my parents abused me as a kid even though they never physically harmed me). You are currently experiencing a very abusive living situation and you should do whatever you can to extract yourself as soon as possible. There will be costs. You will lose your relationship with your parents and your family and maybe all of that furniture in the storage unit, and probably some other stuff. But anything, anything, is better than being abused like this. Take care of yourself; solidarity.
posted by twelve cent archie at 1:17 PM on July 11, 2021 [15 favorites]
Whether or not your parents were abusive when you were growing up is maybe not useful to dig into now (in my own experience, it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that my parents abused me as a kid even though they never physically harmed me). You are currently experiencing a very abusive living situation and you should do whatever you can to extract yourself as soon as possible. There will be costs. You will lose your relationship with your parents and your family and maybe all of that furniture in the storage unit, and probably some other stuff. But anything, anything, is better than being abused like this. Take care of yourself; solidarity.
posted by twelve cent archie at 1:17 PM on July 11, 2021 [15 favorites]
>I asked them later, what they meant by having my own apartment, and my mom started crying saying she was doing all she can.
Maybe she is… just because you’re not hearing arguing doesn’t mean your mom isn’t making concession after concession as a means of keeping your dad calm and quiet. No one has been to their house in fifteen years, this sounds concerning… your mom might be quite isolated… it may be true that your dad has dementia (at least one type can involve disinhibition and anger).
Do you ever have the opportunity to see your mom alone? Maybe it’s worth having a careful conversation with her to make sure she’s ok, your dad has been assessed, and they can maybe get needed help…
In the meantime, honestly yeah get into those savings and/or house-sit.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:39 PM on July 11, 2021 [19 favorites]
Maybe she is… just because you’re not hearing arguing doesn’t mean your mom isn’t making concession after concession as a means of keeping your dad calm and quiet. No one has been to their house in fifteen years, this sounds concerning… your mom might be quite isolated… it may be true that your dad has dementia (at least one type can involve disinhibition and anger).
Do you ever have the opportunity to see your mom alone? Maybe it’s worth having a careful conversation with her to make sure she’s ok, your dad has been assessed, and they can maybe get needed help…
In the meantime, honestly yeah get into those savings and/or house-sit.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:39 PM on July 11, 2021 [19 favorites]
For your mental health, you need to frame this that as a mid-30s person, you simply no longer have the option "to live with my parents". This is a very common situation for a lot of people! Being 90 days away from a long term place, if that's the worst case scenario, is very manageable despite not being ideal obviously, but it's not the end of the world. You're clearly smart and capable, this world has been through (and continues to go through) a completely bonkers unfathomable situation, and it took you for a ride with it, but you'll be ok. Just get out of your parents house, now. This is simply not an option for you any more, it's the way it is. Take care!!
posted by cgg at 1:51 PM on July 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by cgg at 1:51 PM on July 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
I have a different read on your parents than most of the folks here, but it doesn't matter. First things first, you need to get out of there, for everyone's sake. Housesitting, friends, whatever it takes.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:53 PM on July 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:53 PM on July 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
Your living situation is unhealthy and unsustainable. You need to get out. This is what your emergency savings are for—use them.
I understand not wanting to couch-surf but it's worth asking around with friends if someone has a room to let out or is looking to sublet their place for a few months. With businesses opening back up and people returning to in-person work there may be housing opportunities coming up as people start moving around more.
Appropriating and giving away your furniture without your permission is unacceptable.
Put your valuable belongings into a secure off-site storage unit immediately. Public storage facilities are constantly advertising special deals, if you shop around a little you can get a decent price. If you know the people who received your furniture consider reaching out to them to retrieve it—you can politely (and truthfully) explain the situation as a mistake due to a misunderstanding between you and your parents.
How is your own relationship with your brother? Can he be a resource for you here, for example with logistical matters or with addressing whether and how your parents should receive longer-term help?
posted by 4rtemis at 2:01 PM on July 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
I understand not wanting to couch-surf but it's worth asking around with friends if someone has a room to let out or is looking to sublet their place for a few months. With businesses opening back up and people returning to in-person work there may be housing opportunities coming up as people start moving around more.
Appropriating and giving away your furniture without your permission is unacceptable.
Put your valuable belongings into a secure off-site storage unit immediately. Public storage facilities are constantly advertising special deals, if you shop around a little you can get a decent price. If you know the people who received your furniture consider reaching out to them to retrieve it—you can politely (and truthfully) explain the situation as a mistake due to a misunderstanding between you and your parents.
How is your own relationship with your brother? Can he be a resource for you here, for example with logistical matters or with addressing whether and how your parents should receive longer-term help?
posted by 4rtemis at 2:01 PM on July 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
It sounds like they had a very specific life script for you, especially as the eldest son, and feel deeply betrayed and disappointed that you went off script. They don't seem to have the emotional vocabulary to express it, so they've resorted to avoidance and withholding.
When you asked their help, you cast yourself back into the script again. So now they are reprising their role. The mismatch in values and expectations is brought back to the surface. In their minds, you've betrayed them by insisting that you owed them no input in your life course, and so they in turn are emphasizing that they owe you nothing. Their actions are punitive and retaliatory, and come from a place of fear and pain.
It is understandable that you are feeling angry, confused, and sad. You had hoped that they would be accepting, nurturing, and capable of unconditional love and support. Instead, you got weird house rules and clandestine furniture disposal.
Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss of the parents you wished they were, and accept them as the flawed human beings that they are. Maybe one day they will put aside their preconceptions and get to know you as a person.
First, though, move out, whatever it takes, so that you don't give them any power over you. Who knows why they misrepresented themselves as being welcoming with open arms; clearly they aren't up to it.
Also, write up detailed invoices for each piece of furniture. Tell your relatives there was a misunderstanding, and set a deadline for payment or return of the furniture.
posted by dum spiro spero at 3:48 PM on July 11, 2021 [13 favorites]
When you asked their help, you cast yourself back into the script again. So now they are reprising their role. The mismatch in values and expectations is brought back to the surface. In their minds, you've betrayed them by insisting that you owed them no input in your life course, and so they in turn are emphasizing that they owe you nothing. Their actions are punitive and retaliatory, and come from a place of fear and pain.
It is understandable that you are feeling angry, confused, and sad. You had hoped that they would be accepting, nurturing, and capable of unconditional love and support. Instead, you got weird house rules and clandestine furniture disposal.
Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss of the parents you wished they were, and accept them as the flawed human beings that they are. Maybe one day they will put aside their preconceptions and get to know you as a person.
First, though, move out, whatever it takes, so that you don't give them any power over you. Who knows why they misrepresented themselves as being welcoming with open arms; clearly they aren't up to it.
Also, write up detailed invoices for each piece of furniture. Tell your relatives there was a misunderstanding, and set a deadline for payment or return of the furniture.
posted by dum spiro spero at 3:48 PM on July 11, 2021 [13 favorites]
If complete strangers put me up in a closet while they had multiple empty guestrooms I would fully understand the message is that I'm not welcome and I need to prioritize finding somewhere else to stay.
If my parents did that I would be emotionally devastated.
I'm really sorry about this, I agree with above posters that your parents have demonstrated abusive behavior in the past. Your childhood being so smooth may have been more due to never crossing boundaries than a change of their personalities as they aged. Their good relationship with your brother supports this, he has done everything how they want it. If he had moved far away or stumbled in his career I doubt they'd have been as generous.
posted by Dynex at 3:48 PM on July 11, 2021 [19 favorites]
If my parents did that I would be emotionally devastated.
I'm really sorry about this, I agree with above posters that your parents have demonstrated abusive behavior in the past. Your childhood being so smooth may have been more due to never crossing boundaries than a change of their personalities as they aged. Their good relationship with your brother supports this, he has done everything how they want it. If he had moved far away or stumbled in his career I doubt they'd have been as generous.
posted by Dynex at 3:48 PM on July 11, 2021 [19 favorites]
Sorry you're dealing with this. Memail if you want a discount code for Trusted Housesitters, a service that connects people with pets (or sometimes just empty houses) with housesitters. There are quite a few listings now since people are beginning to travel more. If you can find someone who needs a housesitter through friends, even better. If you're on Nextdoor in your parents' neighborhood, you could also try posting on there- I did that once and immediately had responses. I've been housesitting for a while because of apartment issues- it's a straight exchange, free petsitting for a free place to stay. It might be useful even if it's only a temporary break from your parents.
posted by pinochiette at 3:52 PM on July 11, 2021 [16 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 3:52 PM on July 11, 2021 [16 favorites]
Wow your parents sound like real pieces of...work. Something has poisoned them. I would do everything in my power to get out of there today, and then block them from my life completely.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:53 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:53 PM on July 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
I’m not sure the “manipulative” framing is useful here, because it’s only half of the problem you describe. Sure, they are trying to control your behavior, but they’re doing it because it’s completely justified in their minds.
As others have said, you should probably just move out ASAP. It sounds like even a small basement apartment would be a step up in terms of square footage. (And a giant leap for mental health.)
Since you're explicitly asking for coping advice, though, my observation is this: you and your parents are coming at this with different stories, and if you want to get along with them you need those stories to sync up better or at least to understand how they contradict. Since they believe you messed up your life, they interpret everything through that lens. This includes their motivation for wanting to come stay with them in the first place: they need "finish the job" of raising their fuckup (read: independent) kid. On top of that, they have the impenetrable self-assurance of successful retirees. You are approaching your living in their house and whether you can use a bathroom as though it's a question of pragmatism. This is completely orthogonal to how they are thinking: to them, this is their do-over for the kid they messed up -- you coming to them in need is "proof" that they were right all along and their duty as tough-loving parents is to reform you into a responsible, trustworthy adult (who does what their parents tell them!).
I can’t really imagine you’ll be able to get through to them, but if you want to try here are two options:
1. If you fake buying into their narrative and take their stupid rules as seriously as they do, you may be able to gradually convince them you are “reformed” enough, if you don’t mind letting them keep their inaccurate understanding of who you are. This will be very difficult, though, because you’re effectively trying to sell them on something you don’t believe yourself, and this will be a subtext of your relationship going forward.
Your parents have a shitty model of human nature and on top of this they are probably still angry/hurt that you made your own choices and didn't allow them to tell you what to do, and likely feel like you ‘failing’ has vindicated their long-held convictions. They clearly have fully bought into the cult of personal responsibility and at the very least you’re going to have to pay that some respects to get anything across to them. Maybe it can help get you through another month or several weeks?
2. I have very chill, reasonable parents, so my gut reaction is to try and talk about the core of the issue and then go from there. If you want to try this a script might look like the following:
“Ok mom and dad, I think we’ve been operating on different assumptions here. I moved home with the understanding that I was a successful, responsible professional that – in the middle of a pandemic – got a bit unlucky. I was lucky though to have a caring family that would help me save some money and get back on my feet. My understanding of you is that you saw my moving in as a first step in a tough love bootcamp for delinquent failed alcoholics. That is not who I am (and even if I was I don’t think your program would be effective!) and that is not why I am here. I appreciate you helping me out, and I don’t expect to convince you of my viewpoint immediately, but if we could align our expectations and clarify boundaries bit more then I think this could be an easier time for everyone.” (Then you can gently talk about how you understand you are not allowed to use certain bathrooms and will respect those rules in the future, but they need to understand they are not allowed to steal from you and illegally open your mail.)
It’s hard to imagine it going well. But if you decide to try, the book Crucial Conversations might be a good resource.
posted by ropeladder at 4:15 PM on July 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
As others have said, you should probably just move out ASAP. It sounds like even a small basement apartment would be a step up in terms of square footage. (And a giant leap for mental health.)
Since you're explicitly asking for coping advice, though, my observation is this: you and your parents are coming at this with different stories, and if you want to get along with them you need those stories to sync up better or at least to understand how they contradict. Since they believe you messed up your life, they interpret everything through that lens. This includes their motivation for wanting to come stay with them in the first place: they need "finish the job" of raising their fuckup (read: independent) kid. On top of that, they have the impenetrable self-assurance of successful retirees. You are approaching your living in their house and whether you can use a bathroom as though it's a question of pragmatism. This is completely orthogonal to how they are thinking: to them, this is their do-over for the kid they messed up -- you coming to them in need is "proof" that they were right all along and their duty as tough-loving parents is to reform you into a responsible, trustworthy adult (who does what their parents tell them!).
I can’t really imagine you’ll be able to get through to them, but if you want to try here are two options:
1. If you fake buying into their narrative and take their stupid rules as seriously as they do, you may be able to gradually convince them you are “reformed” enough, if you don’t mind letting them keep their inaccurate understanding of who you are. This will be very difficult, though, because you’re effectively trying to sell them on something you don’t believe yourself, and this will be a subtext of your relationship going forward.
Your parents have a shitty model of human nature and on top of this they are probably still angry/hurt that you made your own choices and didn't allow them to tell you what to do, and likely feel like you ‘failing’ has vindicated their long-held convictions. They clearly have fully bought into the cult of personal responsibility and at the very least you’re going to have to pay that some respects to get anything across to them. Maybe it can help get you through another month or several weeks?
2. I have very chill, reasonable parents, so my gut reaction is to try and talk about the core of the issue and then go from there. If you want to try this a script might look like the following:
“Ok mom and dad, I think we’ve been operating on different assumptions here. I moved home with the understanding that I was a successful, responsible professional that – in the middle of a pandemic – got a bit unlucky. I was lucky though to have a caring family that would help me save some money and get back on my feet. My understanding of you is that you saw my moving in as a first step in a tough love bootcamp for delinquent failed alcoholics. That is not who I am (and even if I was I don’t think your program would be effective!) and that is not why I am here. I appreciate you helping me out, and I don’t expect to convince you of my viewpoint immediately, but if we could align our expectations and clarify boundaries bit more then I think this could be an easier time for everyone.” (Then you can gently talk about how you understand you are not allowed to use certain bathrooms and will respect those rules in the future, but they need to understand they are not allowed to steal from you and illegally open your mail.)
It’s hard to imagine it going well. But if you decide to try, the book Crucial Conversations might be a good resource.
posted by ropeladder at 4:15 PM on July 11, 2021 [8 favorites]
It sounds like your parents use money to control. In your case they lost that when you told them to stick it at 18. Your brother has made his deal with the devil so to speak. Now that you are home, your parents are trying to re-exert control they lost 15 years back. They are imposing a decades, half century old world view on you.
I think you need to remind yourself daily that this is their problem not yours. Yes, you have to live with them trying to make it your problem, but know that you are actually hugely successful by many standards including overcoming your alcohol abuse situation.
My only advice specific to the short run is based on incomplete knowledge. Would it make sense to move in with your brother for a month or two?
posted by AugustWest at 4:18 PM on July 11, 2021 [10 favorites]
I think you need to remind yourself daily that this is their problem not yours. Yes, you have to live with them trying to make it your problem, but know that you are actually hugely successful by many standards including overcoming your alcohol abuse situation.
My only advice specific to the short run is based on incomplete knowledge. Would it make sense to move in with your brother for a month or two?
posted by AugustWest at 4:18 PM on July 11, 2021 [10 favorites]
Wow. This situation is untenable. You've gotten some excellent advice so far.
Something that jumped out at me--a closet isn't a bedroom. Building codes require that a bedroom has a window in case of a fire. The room itself has to be a certain size, and there are requirement for access, egress, ceiling height, ventilation and heat. It sounds like you are physically unsafe in the closet where they're making you sleep.
From what you've said, your parents' hostility and weirdness seem to be escalating. Who knows what they'll dream up next? Please get away from them as soon as you can.
posted by cartoonella at 5:06 PM on July 11, 2021 [11 favorites]
Something that jumped out at me--a closet isn't a bedroom. Building codes require that a bedroom has a window in case of a fire. The room itself has to be a certain size, and there are requirement for access, egress, ceiling height, ventilation and heat. It sounds like you are physically unsafe in the closet where they're making you sleep.
From what you've said, your parents' hostility and weirdness seem to be escalating. Who knows what they'll dream up next? Please get away from them as soon as you can.
posted by cartoonella at 5:06 PM on July 11, 2021 [11 favorites]
If I were you, I’d be feeling jealous of the homeless people under the bridge. I’d rather live with them than with your parents.
Dum spiro spero has it right, your parents are punishing you for going off script and living your own life. I wouldn’t put up with another minute of it.
Get your nice expensive furniture back, sell it and use it to sublet a place. Then cut your parents off. And if you ever have your own kids, don’t let them anywhere near them.
posted by Jubey at 5:33 PM on July 11, 2021 [14 favorites]
Dum spiro spero has it right, your parents are punishing you for going off script and living your own life. I wouldn’t put up with another minute of it.
Get your nice expensive furniture back, sell it and use it to sublet a place. Then cut your parents off. And if you ever have your own kids, don’t let them anywhere near them.
posted by Jubey at 5:33 PM on July 11, 2021 [14 favorites]
This behavior didn’t come out of nowhere, and I would bet the more you’re in therapy the more you will dig up and see these unhealthy dynamics in childhood. But that’s for a later time. And I don’t think this is dementia, but there are lots of flags waving for a personality disorder.
In terms of how to cope: I love the gray rock technique (you can google). Do not tell your parents anything they don’t need to know. They obviously can’t be trusted with it, considering how hateful they have been about your sobriety and job situation. Just become the most boring person they have ever met, and then plot your escape. Have your mail sent to a PO Box. Don’t waste your time defending ridiculous shit like using a bathroom they didn’t want you to use—they have shown themselves to be unreasonable.
Do not give them access to your bank accounts. Ask for your furniture back if you want it—that is such a humiliating thing for them to do, but also in line with the kind of people you are describing.
And of course they have a good relationship with your brother—he has allowed them to control him his entire adult life. You dared to be your own person and they cannot tolerate that, and now that you’re back home they want to punish you for it.
And keep going to therapy and listening to your gut.I think you’re looking at your childhood with blinders, and the more time you spend the more you will uncover. Abuse comes in many forms. And people don’t become like this overnight.
Finally, I very much recommend a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It may be eye-opening.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 5:48 PM on July 11, 2021 [12 favorites]
In terms of how to cope: I love the gray rock technique (you can google). Do not tell your parents anything they don’t need to know. They obviously can’t be trusted with it, considering how hateful they have been about your sobriety and job situation. Just become the most boring person they have ever met, and then plot your escape. Have your mail sent to a PO Box. Don’t waste your time defending ridiculous shit like using a bathroom they didn’t want you to use—they have shown themselves to be unreasonable.
Do not give them access to your bank accounts. Ask for your furniture back if you want it—that is such a humiliating thing for them to do, but also in line with the kind of people you are describing.
And of course they have a good relationship with your brother—he has allowed them to control him his entire adult life. You dared to be your own person and they cannot tolerate that, and now that you’re back home they want to punish you for it.
And keep going to therapy and listening to your gut.I think you’re looking at your childhood with blinders, and the more time you spend the more you will uncover. Abuse comes in many forms. And people don’t become like this overnight.
Finally, I very much recommend a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It may be eye-opening.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 5:48 PM on July 11, 2021 [12 favorites]
You mention the challenges with getting a real rental, but a roommate situation might be much easier. I want you to move out so bad. "It really felt like you all were uncomfortable with having me in your home, which I understand, so I decided it made sense to find other interim arrangements." To borrow another phrase: move out in haste, figure out what's wrong with them in leisure.
posted by slidell at 8:10 PM on July 11, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by slidell at 8:10 PM on July 11, 2021 [17 favorites]
Your parents were insistent on you staying with them because it’s an opportunity to control you. You can’t stay with your brother because he’s controlled by your parents; he’ll either say no or continue giving them access to control you. Move out.
posted by momus_window at 8:31 PM on July 11, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 8:31 PM on July 11, 2021 [11 favorites]
Parent here - get out.
Your parents have too much time on their hands - these are truly dangerous people. You are out there dealing with a multitude of things - they are focused on how to control you - their bandwidth is much greater than yours, and so every action on your part requires effort to push back.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 12:17 AM on July 12, 2021 [11 favorites]
Your parents have too much time on their hands - these are truly dangerous people. You are out there dealing with a multitude of things - they are focused on how to control you - their bandwidth is much greater than yours, and so every action on your part requires effort to push back.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 12:17 AM on July 12, 2021 [11 favorites]
It’s sadistic what they’re doing. Your parents are gaslighting you, telling that you’re this terrible, messy, worthless, out of control person. And then they’re doing sadistic things (like giving away your furniture and making you sleep in the basement while calling it a “little apartment”), for which there is no logical or ethical justification, even if you were out of control.
Like the furniture part. She says you don’t need it because you’re a homeless former drunk? Translation, she’s planning on keeping you in her basement a long time.
You’re worried about the financial impact of moving out before you get a job and that’s understandable, but I think staying with your folks longer could have psychological and financial consequences of its own. I think you should move out ASAP, like move into a friend’s house this week, use that as a springboard from which to find a cheap sublet or room for rent or house sitting gig.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:33 AM on July 12, 2021 [16 favorites]
Like the furniture part. She says you don’t need it because you’re a homeless former drunk? Translation, she’s planning on keeping you in her basement a long time.
You’re worried about the financial impact of moving out before you get a job and that’s understandable, but I think staying with your folks longer could have psychological and financial consequences of its own. I think you should move out ASAP, like move into a friend’s house this week, use that as a springboard from which to find a cheap sublet or room for rent or house sitting gig.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:33 AM on July 12, 2021 [16 favorites]
Also, while I obviously really think you should move out immediately, as long as you ARE there I would minimize conversation with them, get a PO Box, and talk on the phone to someone every day — someone who loves you and knows the adult that you are and is rooting for your success and well-being. Basically, you need to talk to someone who can keep you in touch with reality, because your parents are doing their best to drag you into a mean delusion.
Rooting for you!
posted by hungrytiger at 12:38 AM on July 12, 2021 [9 favorites]
Rooting for you!
posted by hungrytiger at 12:38 AM on July 12, 2021 [9 favorites]
You should move out even if it is couch-surfing with friends for a while until you find a steady roommate. A small private bedroom of your own with roommates who you can have adult boundaries with is HEAVEN compared to staying in a really nice house with lots of nice things and horrible people.
That staying with your brother doesn't appear to be even considered as an option is to me a giant red flashing light of messed up family dynamics. You may find that when you start looking at your family stuff with a therapist or even just some trusted friends, that what you take for normal is actually kinda messed up. It's not a welcome realisation and it's often easier to ignore the past or pretend things are fine.
Focus on getting to a decent living situation now, and when the dust has settled, then you'll have energy to think about how to handle them. But you don't have to make yourself miserable to keep them calm/appeased/happy.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:15 AM on July 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
That staying with your brother doesn't appear to be even considered as an option is to me a giant red flashing light of messed up family dynamics. You may find that when you start looking at your family stuff with a therapist or even just some trusted friends, that what you take for normal is actually kinda messed up. It's not a welcome realisation and it's often easier to ignore the past or pretend things are fine.
Focus on getting to a decent living situation now, and when the dust has settled, then you'll have energy to think about how to handle them. But you don't have to make yourself miserable to keep them calm/appeased/happy.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:15 AM on July 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Also take and sell your damn furniture. It's yours. Or write a bill and once you move out, send it to them for the furniture they stole/took.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:17 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:17 AM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
Yeah, it sounds to me like your parents have stored up an incredible amount of spite and resentment towards you, likely for no good reason other than they resented the whole business of being parents. That kind of sentiment towards one's children, while it is probably quite common, is not considered normal or socially acceptable, but now they have an excuse to give it free rein.
For what it's worth, I think you are doing pretty well sorting out your issues from theirs. For one thing, people getting all up in your face about substance abuse is a really, really good way to develop an intractable, long-term problem and you haven't done anything like that. Their behavior is totally codependent and totally designed to keep you down. They're doing brilliantly, measured in their own messed up terms of control and screwing with your head. So yes, get out of there. I'd be tempted to ask them to sign a paper stating the replacement value of the furniture they took and that they accept the furniture as payment in full for rent on that closet and that now you are quits in every sense of the word.
posted by BibiRose at 3:50 AM on July 12, 2021 [6 favorites]
For what it's worth, I think you are doing pretty well sorting out your issues from theirs. For one thing, people getting all up in your face about substance abuse is a really, really good way to develop an intractable, long-term problem and you haven't done anything like that. Their behavior is totally codependent and totally designed to keep you down. They're doing brilliantly, measured in their own messed up terms of control and screwing with your head. So yes, get out of there. I'd be tempted to ask them to sign a paper stating the replacement value of the furniture they took and that they accept the furniture as payment in full for rent on that closet and that now you are quits in every sense of the word.
posted by BibiRose at 3:50 AM on July 12, 2021 [6 favorites]
I'd enlist social services in your area immediately, since with the theft and surveillance you are arguably not in safe and secure housing and are thus in danger of becoming homeless. Temporary sober housing might be available.
I'm sorry this is happening. Some families really hate it when a member sobers up, despite all your parents' insults about your being a "drunk." And I think the comment above about simple resentment over being parents may also apply.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:06 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry this is happening. Some families really hate it when a member sobers up, despite all your parents' insults about your being a "drunk." And I think the comment above about simple resentment over being parents may also apply.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:06 AM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Some families really hate it when a member sobers up ...
Yes, you've changed the script that you were supposed to follow.
Your parents thought that your brief period of heavy drinking was the overdue (in their eyes) comeuppance for not allowing them to dictate the course of your life. Now they are reveling in a non-stop "I told you so" session. I have to wonder if they are actually trying to derail you and then to keep you helpless as long as possible, especially when I read this heartbreaking statement:
You sound like a good person with a deep resume who has had a temporary professional setback. I see no reason you couldn't find remote work and roommates, which would allow you to save up money for a place of your own. I work at home and I live in a tiny space, but if you were my friend you could live with me in a heartbeat. Anything is better than this -- anything. I'm rooting for you.
posted by virago at 6:24 AM on July 12, 2021 [11 favorites]
Yes, you've changed the script that you were supposed to follow.
Your parents thought that your brief period of heavy drinking was the overdue (in their eyes) comeuppance for not allowing them to dictate the course of your life. Now they are reveling in a non-stop "I told you so" session. I have to wonder if they are actually trying to derail you and then to keep you helpless as long as possible, especially when I read this heartbreaking statement:
Frankly I'm beginning to fall into the trap that I am what they say I am, but when that's all that you hear, it takes a lot of fortitude to remind myself of my accomplishments and that I don't define myself as my job title and what firm I happen to work at.To stay with your parents is to give them infinite chances to talk you into believing that you are who they say you are. I must join the chorus of people in this discussion who are urging you to split.
You sound like a good person with a deep resume who has had a temporary professional setback. I see no reason you couldn't find remote work and roommates, which would allow you to save up money for a place of your own. I work at home and I live in a tiny space, but if you were my friend you could live with me in a heartbeat. Anything is better than this -- anything. I'm rooting for you.
posted by virago at 6:24 AM on July 12, 2021 [11 favorites]
Those savings you have - THIS is what it's for. THIS is the emergency. You say you can't move out without dipping into your savings, that's kind of like saying you can't make a sandwich without using up some of the bread. Yeah. You'll use your savings. It's okay. You'll build them back up again once you get a job.
And getting a job will be SO MUCH MORE POSSIBLE when you're not being emotionally and psychologically battered every single day by people who are supposed to love you! I can tell you this much from experience: staying in an abusive environment slows you down, weighs you down, grinds your entire life to a halt. All your resources which you are now using up to protect your inner self from your parents - can you imagine what it will feel like to have them freed up? You probably can't imagine. You're still inside the abusive situation. You don't know how energized and capable you will be when you can bring your energies to the task of living your life as a free human being.... but you will. Trust yourself. Leave.
posted by MiraK at 9:35 AM on July 12, 2021 [23 favorites]
And getting a job will be SO MUCH MORE POSSIBLE when you're not being emotionally and psychologically battered every single day by people who are supposed to love you! I can tell you this much from experience: staying in an abusive environment slows you down, weighs you down, grinds your entire life to a halt. All your resources which you are now using up to protect your inner self from your parents - can you imagine what it will feel like to have them freed up? You probably can't imagine. You're still inside the abusive situation. You don't know how energized and capable you will be when you can bring your energies to the task of living your life as a free human being.... but you will. Trust yourself. Leave.
posted by MiraK at 9:35 AM on July 12, 2021 [23 favorites]
The elements that stood out to me are that you have assets (is that $5k in furniture? more?) and savings. Despite this, you are choosing to stay in the basement closet until you can get a high level position at a respectable firm, as you wrote. I think that epitomizes the dysfunction your parents have created. It is abusive, you're right! Many people do not have any savings or work in a respectable firm, and live in better conditions. Do you think it's possible that because you grow up with money - and with parents who value financial success over all - that you are not willing to live in a temporary rental or a hotel, or some kind of slighlty shabbier environment? I think there's a social class thread here that you're accepting because you grew up with it. That's why you're terrified to use your savings. That's why your mom is telling her friends you're in an "apartment." It sounds better than the truth, which is that she's neglecting you. And you don't want to stay on a friend's couch or tell others the reality. I can relate to elements of that kind of social status entrapment.
I wonder if the 10-year estrangement from you parents led you to forget how they are. Or perhaps that time period made them harsher and angrier. Now you're realizing again the reality of your family, something you knew very well at 18 when you moved out. (That was incredible, by the way!)
I would not trust your brother. He's enabled by them and he won't be willing to help. Maybe in the future you can find a way to have a good conversation with him about your parents and childhoods, but I'm afraid that may be the best relationship you'll have with him.
Practical steps:
I'd love to see you find a friend to talk to about this today. Next, a therapist would be wonderful. You could frame the first therapy conversation as, "I need help planning a move from my parents house and getting out quickly and safely." If you call a friend or make an appointment, I would leave the house to have the conversation so that there's no worry of them eavesdropping. Next steps after that are getting your items in a secure storage area. Are they stored in your parents house? Rent a truck and move them to a locked unit. Hire movers if necessary. If they're in a storage unit, add a new lock or keycode or whatever it needs. Or make a deal with a local consigner and move them directly to the consignment store. Don't tell your parents this is happening. If the movers can come when they're not home, that is ideal. You're right, it is a good idea to sell those pieces and use the cash.
Stay at a friend's house. Start with a week and then try another friend's house. If I were you and I had a balance on a credit card, I would find the best air bnb I could and take a month vacation after that, inviting one or both of those friends along for a few nights as a thank you. You deserve a vacation. Finally, be so careful of your sobriety in the next few months and when you're finally out of the house. Don't let your parents become an excuse to relapse. Memail if you want to talk through any of these options.
posted by areaperson at 10:17 AM on July 12, 2021 [6 favorites]
I wonder if the 10-year estrangement from you parents led you to forget how they are. Or perhaps that time period made them harsher and angrier. Now you're realizing again the reality of your family, something you knew very well at 18 when you moved out. (That was incredible, by the way!)
I would not trust your brother. He's enabled by them and he won't be willing to help. Maybe in the future you can find a way to have a good conversation with him about your parents and childhoods, but I'm afraid that may be the best relationship you'll have with him.
Practical steps:
I'd love to see you find a friend to talk to about this today. Next, a therapist would be wonderful. You could frame the first therapy conversation as, "I need help planning a move from my parents house and getting out quickly and safely." If you call a friend or make an appointment, I would leave the house to have the conversation so that there's no worry of them eavesdropping. Next steps after that are getting your items in a secure storage area. Are they stored in your parents house? Rent a truck and move them to a locked unit. Hire movers if necessary. If they're in a storage unit, add a new lock or keycode or whatever it needs. Or make a deal with a local consigner and move them directly to the consignment store. Don't tell your parents this is happening. If the movers can come when they're not home, that is ideal. You're right, it is a good idea to sell those pieces and use the cash.
Stay at a friend's house. Start with a week and then try another friend's house. If I were you and I had a balance on a credit card, I would find the best air bnb I could and take a month vacation after that, inviting one or both of those friends along for a few nights as a thank you. You deserve a vacation. Finally, be so careful of your sobriety in the next few months and when you're finally out of the house. Don't let your parents become an excuse to relapse. Memail if you want to talk through any of these options.
posted by areaperson at 10:17 AM on July 12, 2021 [6 favorites]
Sorry: I remembered you have a therapist already after submitting that. The confrontation with your dad is definitly something to run by them and hopefully they can help you process how upsetting I'm sure that was.
posted by areaperson at 12:05 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by areaperson at 12:05 PM on July 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Wait wait wait... They stole your expensive furniture, are stealing your mail, and are trying to get on your bank accounts? Ruuuuuuuuun! Do not stop, do not look back. This is far, FAR from normal parent behaviour (speaking as a parent and a child). They are trying to control you and break you and ruin you so you'd be completely dependent on them. Rent a room, get a temp job before you get a C-level one, just get out of there and get them out of your life.
posted by gakiko at 12:42 PM on July 12, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by gakiko at 12:42 PM on July 12, 2021 [12 favorites]
If you think there's any chance they might try to get themselves on your financial accounts without your agreement, I'd do a credit freeze (though that only helps for actions that involve a credit check) and any other steps that would make it difficult for someone to make any changes without you knowing. Talk with your bank and see what protection they offer. And definitely get your mail delivered elsewhere, like a P.O. box, and consider what information they've had access to through the mail they've seen.
posted by trig at 1:41 PM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by trig at 1:41 PM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
It seems to me that after your business failed, you turned to alcohol, and moved back in with your parents, they are becoming increasingly angry and desperate at the thought that you have not, in fact, gotten your life back on track (that might explain why they've resorted to reading your mail). Prove them wrong by moving out tomorrow. Use or savings or sell your Herman Miller furniture today if you need money for a security deposit. Take any job you can find tomorrow if you need to list a source of income on an apartment rental application. There are millions of people renting apartments today after scrounging up a few thousand dollars and listing a grocery store as their employer. Be one of those people, if you have to. You may never overcome your parents' ugliness about your alcohol problems. But by moving out, at least you won't have to put up with it.
posted by hhc5 at 1:58 PM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by hhc5 at 1:58 PM on July 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
>And I don’t think this is dementia, but there are lots of flags waving for a personality disorder.
Possible, or both could be true. Frontotemporal dementia, which can resemble a personality disorder or mental illness (bipolar DO), can manifest as early as 40 years of age (or in some cases 20!). Clinicians often can’t distinguish between them, and sometimes a PD or bipolar can segue into FTD. Either way OP, your dad seems unwell.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:11 PM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
Possible, or both could be true. Frontotemporal dementia, which can resemble a personality disorder or mental illness (bipolar DO), can manifest as early as 40 years of age (or in some cases 20!). Clinicians often can’t distinguish between them, and sometimes a PD or bipolar can segue into FTD. Either way OP, your dad seems unwell.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:11 PM on July 12, 2021 [2 favorites]
1) If I were your friend I'd be upset you didn't tell me about what was going on so I could offer a place to stay for a while. I'm reasonably certain some of your friends may feel the same.
2) I'm surprised you've held up as well as you have. Do you even have a window in that basement room? Get out as soon as you can, please.
3) Your parents may or may not be completely shitty people, but regardless, they're being completely shitty to you. No guilt from me if you cut them all the way out of your life, but I support your decisions regardless.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:10 PM on July 12, 2021 [6 favorites]
2) I'm surprised you've held up as well as you have. Do you even have a window in that basement room? Get out as soon as you can, please.
3) Your parents may or may not be completely shitty people, but regardless, they're being completely shitty to you. No guilt from me if you cut them all the way out of your life, but I support your decisions regardless.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:10 PM on July 12, 2021 [6 favorites]
Sell your damn furniture and get out. You'll have money again soon, and Herman Miller ain't going anywhere. (Also, PO Box NOW.)
posted by whuppy at 12:33 PM on July 15, 2021
posted by whuppy at 12:33 PM on July 15, 2021
This is so bad that if I were your friend, while I do not have a guest bedroom in my house, I would call my sister-in-law and ask if you could stay in HERS for three months. Talk to trusted friends, see who can help you get out.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:07 PM on July 15, 2021
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:07 PM on July 15, 2021
Dear Anon,
It is a tremendous accomplishment that you chose your own college, paid all your own expenses, chose a new city and career, and had the guts to start and run your own business. It speaks well of your talent and integrity that other people were willing to depend on you enough to start that business with you. You are a person who has attempted huge goals and succeeded. When your business failed because of economic factors beyond your control, you still had furniture and savings left. You should take great pride in your accomplishments.
Unfortunately, your parents view your success in making your way alone for 15 years in school, life and business as OPPOSITION TO THEM. You didn't do what they wanted. They consider that a slap in the face. They are extremely angry with you. They are denying you the basic necessities of life--which they have available unused in their home: a room, a nearby bathroom, and the dignity of not being insulted and abused. Even homeless people in shelters are not made to sleep in windowless basement closets while their things are stolen and their mail is opened.
Your parents are insulting, belittling and demeaning you as a tactic to force you to conform your thinking and actions to their beliefs. When you resist this, by for example using the forbidden bathroom, it makes them spitting angry because you are showing them that you don't agree that you are deserving of this mistreatment.
Opening your mail and disposing of your furniture, both without asking you or obtaining permission, are crimes. Opening the mail is a federal crime in the US. Stealing expensive furniture is a state crime in every state, a felony if the furniture is expensive enough.
I think you are wrong that your parents won't kick you out. I think if you did what any reasonable person would suggest, say tell them not to open your mail, as doing so is both a violation of your privacy and a federal crime, you can expect them to make good on their threat to kick you out. If you tell them that your furniture belongs to you, and they have no right to seize it for their own use or the use of others, and to return it immediately so you can sell it, they will likely kick you out immediately. If you were to say, "Mom and Dad, it feels wrong and intentionally demeaning that you are forcing me to sleep in a windowless basement closet rather than letting me use a code-compliant bedroom room like regular people do. Why are you acting in a way that is so inconsistent with how loving parents would act in this situation?" you would end up with at least one raging maniac, one crying victim impersonator, and a huge number of insults that will be burned into your brain for the rest of your life. Also, your clothes would be on the front lawn while your parents have the locks changed and call the police to have you removed.
Please remove yourself and your things from your parents' house. Forward your mail to a different address. Contact all important senders and give them that address directly. Send you parents a letter telling them thy do not have permission to open or read your mail, and must write: "No such person at this address, please forward or return to sender" on the envelope and redeposit in the mail. Write them a separate short letter demanding the return of your furniture by such and such date, as you never gave them permission to take it. (Of course take whatever furniture of yours you can when you leave, but don't let the possible loss of your furniture keep you there.)
I would not consider your brother's house as a safe place for you to go. Sell some of your furniture, rent a room or sublet an apartment or housesit, use your saving, and get out while the getting is good. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you great luck in keeping enough of your self respect to get out right away. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to get away.
Please disregard my typos I have a broken hand. You get the gist.
posted by KayQuestions at 6:12 PM on July 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
It is a tremendous accomplishment that you chose your own college, paid all your own expenses, chose a new city and career, and had the guts to start and run your own business. It speaks well of your talent and integrity that other people were willing to depend on you enough to start that business with you. You are a person who has attempted huge goals and succeeded. When your business failed because of economic factors beyond your control, you still had furniture and savings left. You should take great pride in your accomplishments.
Unfortunately, your parents view your success in making your way alone for 15 years in school, life and business as OPPOSITION TO THEM. You didn't do what they wanted. They consider that a slap in the face. They are extremely angry with you. They are denying you the basic necessities of life--which they have available unused in their home: a room, a nearby bathroom, and the dignity of not being insulted and abused. Even homeless people in shelters are not made to sleep in windowless basement closets while their things are stolen and their mail is opened.
Your parents are insulting, belittling and demeaning you as a tactic to force you to conform your thinking and actions to their beliefs. When you resist this, by for example using the forbidden bathroom, it makes them spitting angry because you are showing them that you don't agree that you are deserving of this mistreatment.
Opening your mail and disposing of your furniture, both without asking you or obtaining permission, are crimes. Opening the mail is a federal crime in the US. Stealing expensive furniture is a state crime in every state, a felony if the furniture is expensive enough.
I think you are wrong that your parents won't kick you out. I think if you did what any reasonable person would suggest, say tell them not to open your mail, as doing so is both a violation of your privacy and a federal crime, you can expect them to make good on their threat to kick you out. If you tell them that your furniture belongs to you, and they have no right to seize it for their own use or the use of others, and to return it immediately so you can sell it, they will likely kick you out immediately. If you were to say, "Mom and Dad, it feels wrong and intentionally demeaning that you are forcing me to sleep in a windowless basement closet rather than letting me use a code-compliant bedroom room like regular people do. Why are you acting in a way that is so inconsistent with how loving parents would act in this situation?" you would end up with at least one raging maniac, one crying victim impersonator, and a huge number of insults that will be burned into your brain for the rest of your life. Also, your clothes would be on the front lawn while your parents have the locks changed and call the police to have you removed.
Please remove yourself and your things from your parents' house. Forward your mail to a different address. Contact all important senders and give them that address directly. Send you parents a letter telling them thy do not have permission to open or read your mail, and must write: "No such person at this address, please forward or return to sender" on the envelope and redeposit in the mail. Write them a separate short letter demanding the return of your furniture by such and such date, as you never gave them permission to take it. (Of course take whatever furniture of yours you can when you leave, but don't let the possible loss of your furniture keep you there.)
I would not consider your brother's house as a safe place for you to go. Sell some of your furniture, rent a room or sublet an apartment or housesit, use your saving, and get out while the getting is good. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you great luck in keeping enough of your self respect to get out right away. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to get away.
Please disregard my typos I have a broken hand. You get the gist.
posted by KayQuestions at 6:12 PM on July 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
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It's a really good thing that you have this level of self-awareness of the situation. Otherwise you could be in real danger of being terminally sabotaged. I don't know if a lot of parents are really aware of the serious effects their words have on their kids psyches. We've been tuned over millennia to listen carefully to everything they say & take it to heart.
I think you really hit to nail on the head here:
Frankly I'm beginning to fall into the trap that I am what they say I am, but when that's all you hear it takes a lot of mental fortitude to remind myself of my accomplishments and that I don't define myself on my job title and what firm I happen to work at.
I think you're just going to have to work really hard at keeping your head up until you can leave. I think it would be a great idea to get a therapist that you can vent about this stuff with & help you track when it if it's getting to be too much.
Another thing I notice is the difference in the relationship with your brother. It's probably as simple as they feel he treats them right & you don't. Just for the sake of preserving your mental health & sobriety, if you go around mimicking what he does to get them to let up on you, there's nothing wrong with that.
posted by bleep at 11:32 AM on July 11, 2021 [5 favorites]