How to properly mourn when family drama gets in the way
June 25, 2021 10:46 AM Subscribe
My grandmother died and my family is very dysfunctional , so i don't know how to properly mourn
My grandmother died this week and I got broken up with last week and I'm feeling emotionally numb and stunned after all this and the pandemic. I don't know how to process my emotions.
Normally at funerals I find it easy to cry and mourn, but because of COVID the only ceremony they had was the burial at the gravesite.
o make matters worse, my grandmother comes from a Jewish family and even though none of them are actually religious, it seems during these times they adopt the religious traditions, including those that exclude women from being part of the ceremonies, which adds a lot of insult to injury for me (I'm born of a non Jewish mother, and Jewish father , so I am doubly excluded for my non Jewish status). My mother doesn't get along with this side of the family, and my brother lives far away so I feel like I'm left to mourn my grandmother all alone. To make matters even more emotionally complicated, my mother has planted the seed in my head that my uncle is trying to prevent me from getting any inheritance I may be entitled to by occupying my grandmother's house instead of selling it. As far as I know there aren't any lawyers involved to deal with her will and we have to instead depend on my uncle's whims (which have historically been less than upfront and honest as he's shamelessly conniving in an almost cartoonish way).
I would like to properly mourn with others, but that would going to my grandmother's old home where my uncle will be holding Shiva. I know I won't be treated with respect, let alone love, due to being both female and non Jewish. But it just feels weird to go about my life without setting aside time to celebrate my grandmothers life. Not that that's what Shiva is, from what I understand it involves sitting on a small chair and whimpering for a week. She lived to the age of 91 and had a peaceful death so I feel like a celebration of her would be in order but it seems the only option is mourning.
to make it more difficult, the day I got the news was also the day I got broken up with, and so now these two grieving processes are intertwined in my mind. The person who broke up with me was generally very supportive and good person and didn't know this was about to happen obviously, so i've reached out to tell him about this and ask if he will keep in contact with me for a while ( in a platonic way just over text) just to make this less devastating.
Any tips how to properly mourn or celebrate her and push the family drama out of my mind?
Also looking for any psychological advice on how to process emotions and get rid of emotional numbness that makes it difficult to feel anything. Thanks
My grandmother died this week and I got broken up with last week and I'm feeling emotionally numb and stunned after all this and the pandemic. I don't know how to process my emotions.
Normally at funerals I find it easy to cry and mourn, but because of COVID the only ceremony they had was the burial at the gravesite.
o make matters worse, my grandmother comes from a Jewish family and even though none of them are actually religious, it seems during these times they adopt the religious traditions, including those that exclude women from being part of the ceremonies, which adds a lot of insult to injury for me (I'm born of a non Jewish mother, and Jewish father , so I am doubly excluded for my non Jewish status). My mother doesn't get along with this side of the family, and my brother lives far away so I feel like I'm left to mourn my grandmother all alone. To make matters even more emotionally complicated, my mother has planted the seed in my head that my uncle is trying to prevent me from getting any inheritance I may be entitled to by occupying my grandmother's house instead of selling it. As far as I know there aren't any lawyers involved to deal with her will and we have to instead depend on my uncle's whims (which have historically been less than upfront and honest as he's shamelessly conniving in an almost cartoonish way).
I would like to properly mourn with others, but that would going to my grandmother's old home where my uncle will be holding Shiva. I know I won't be treated with respect, let alone love, due to being both female and non Jewish. But it just feels weird to go about my life without setting aside time to celebrate my grandmothers life. Not that that's what Shiva is, from what I understand it involves sitting on a small chair and whimpering for a week. She lived to the age of 91 and had a peaceful death so I feel like a celebration of her would be in order but it seems the only option is mourning.
to make it more difficult, the day I got the news was also the day I got broken up with, and so now these two grieving processes are intertwined in my mind. The person who broke up with me was generally very supportive and good person and didn't know this was about to happen obviously, so i've reached out to tell him about this and ask if he will keep in contact with me for a while ( in a platonic way just over text) just to make this less devastating.
Any tips how to properly mourn or celebrate her and push the family drama out of my mind?
Also looking for any psychological advice on how to process emotions and get rid of emotional numbness that makes it difficult to feel anything. Thanks
Sorry, also meant to add: if she had any favorite causes or charities, a donation in memory of her would be a nice gesture and could help you feel that her spirit lives on in the world.
posted by praemunire at 11:00 AM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:00 AM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
"I know I won't be treated with respect, let alone love" Then absolutely don't go. If the funeral involves a body, it's just a body (I am not deeply familiar with Jewish tradition, beyond basics)
Go somewhere you feel like you can be with your grandmother, in whatever form it takes.
One of my grandparents passed just before the COVID-19 pause (most likely of Covid, or very possibly). I didn't get to visit the funeral. He was catholic, and I am not catholic, but I am fortunate enough to be near a grotto/nature center with some incredible Catholic artwork, so I went and actually had an incredible time. It was simultaneously rainy and sunny, and incredibly tranquil. I am in many ways very calmed by the after experience. I sent his spouse (my grandmother) items from the grotto afterward. It was a very abstract funeral, but I don't know if I'd do it another way.
And yes, manage financial concerns later. Prioritize the change in the connection you have to this person, right now.
posted by firstdaffodils at 11:14 AM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
Go somewhere you feel like you can be with your grandmother, in whatever form it takes.
One of my grandparents passed just before the COVID-19 pause (most likely of Covid, or very possibly). I didn't get to visit the funeral. He was catholic, and I am not catholic, but I am fortunate enough to be near a grotto/nature center with some incredible Catholic artwork, so I went and actually had an incredible time. It was simultaneously rainy and sunny, and incredibly tranquil. I am in many ways very calmed by the after experience. I sent his spouse (my grandmother) items from the grotto afterward. It was a very abstract funeral, but I don't know if I'd do it another way.
And yes, manage financial concerns later. Prioritize the change in the connection you have to this person, right now.
posted by firstdaffodils at 11:14 AM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
As I see it, there are two parts of the family drama: the funeral stuff and the inheritance. The inheritance, as others have said, is less important and urgent, but it's also easier to dismiss, because what your mom is saying is not actually how law works. Your uncle doesn't just magically get your grandmother's house because he spent a couple nights there. Airbnb would be a lot more interesting if that were the case. There's a legal process that will decide what happens to the house and any other assets, even if you don't do anything yet. And there's no real reason to do anything yet, because that process moves pretty slowly. I was talking to to my dad last night about my grandfather's estate. He died in early 2019 and his estate still hasn't been settled. So don't make anything of the fact that lawyers aren't involved yet; they will be at some point, and you'll get what's yours.
In the meantime, you should really let your mom know how unhelpful she's being. She's catastrophizing without any sense of what's actually likely to happen. At best, her mental health (or lack thereof) is negatively affecting yours. At worst, she's preventing you from effectively mourning your grandmother. You can't tell her not to worry about that stuff, but you can tell her to not to worry about it around you.
Speaking of which... I get the sense, from your post, that you're not actually interested in joining in on the Jewish mourning rituals the rest of the family is performing, even if they'd let you. So don't. One of the sociological benefits of religion is that it organizes stressful times like the death of a family member. Adherents don't have to think about how to mourn; they just perform the ritual. Without that, though, you're on your own, and you should cut yourself a little slack here. Judaism has had thousands of years to come up with and refine its mourning rituals. No one person is going to come up with a brand new mourning ritual in a couple of days while dealing with other stress as well. Just do what you can. And remember, there's no time limit for mourning. So maybe you don't feel like mourning right now, or you'd like to wait until you can be around your brother, or whatever. That's fine. And maybe two months from now it'll feel like an appropriate time to mourn. That's fine, too.
As far as specific suggestions to help with mourning, I'm not much help, alas. I'm terrible at that sort of thing. Mostly I just sit in my room and think to myself, which is something whose effectiveness is... not great. I will say, though, that the fact that you're thinking so much about this is an indication that you're aware of your grandmother's impact on you and the need to honor her memory, and so I think just by asking this question you've taken a good first step. Best wishes.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:21 PM on June 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
In the meantime, you should really let your mom know how unhelpful she's being. She's catastrophizing without any sense of what's actually likely to happen. At best, her mental health (or lack thereof) is negatively affecting yours. At worst, she's preventing you from effectively mourning your grandmother. You can't tell her not to worry about that stuff, but you can tell her to not to worry about it around you.
Speaking of which... I get the sense, from your post, that you're not actually interested in joining in on the Jewish mourning rituals the rest of the family is performing, even if they'd let you. So don't. One of the sociological benefits of religion is that it organizes stressful times like the death of a family member. Adherents don't have to think about how to mourn; they just perform the ritual. Without that, though, you're on your own, and you should cut yourself a little slack here. Judaism has had thousands of years to come up with and refine its mourning rituals. No one person is going to come up with a brand new mourning ritual in a couple of days while dealing with other stress as well. Just do what you can. And remember, there's no time limit for mourning. So maybe you don't feel like mourning right now, or you'd like to wait until you can be around your brother, or whatever. That's fine. And maybe two months from now it'll feel like an appropriate time to mourn. That's fine, too.
As far as specific suggestions to help with mourning, I'm not much help, alas. I'm terrible at that sort of thing. Mostly I just sit in my room and think to myself, which is something whose effectiveness is... not great. I will say, though, that the fact that you're thinking so much about this is an indication that you're aware of your grandmother's impact on you and the need to honor her memory, and so I think just by asking this question you've taken a good first step. Best wishes.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:21 PM on June 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
My philosophy on inheritance, especially as someone other than the child of the deceased, is: that's cool if it happens. It is actually pretty easy for one or more children to fuck up the whole situation in their favor, and it's also really easy to die without enough left to be worth a fight. I've never considered that money a sure thing (and sometimes have to fight with my mother to spend money on herself because she penny-pinches on my behalf), what will be will be.
I'm sorry the family has cut off certain avenues of mourning for you. I think personally-created rituals are powerful and important even if you have access to more formal/traditional rituals too, and you can decide solely between yourself and your memory of her what would be meaningful. Know that this processing takes time, lots of time, and it happens in little stages - even if you get to participate in the official activities, it's still years and stages.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:53 PM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry the family has cut off certain avenues of mourning for you. I think personally-created rituals are powerful and important even if you have access to more formal/traditional rituals too, and you can decide solely between yourself and your memory of her what would be meaningful. Know that this processing takes time, lots of time, and it happens in little stages - even if you get to participate in the official activities, it's still years and stages.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:53 PM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
I asked my family once about shiva, and as far as I know it’s expected to be children and possibly grandchildren who sit on the floor for a week. Can you go and pay a shiva call? Bring a platter of veggies (the primary mourners can’t cook,) leave it in the kitchen, sit for a minute and tell a story of a time when you and your grandmother really connected (talk to whichever family member you are most comfortable with; you don’t need to talk to your uncle, pick a woman. If your family is as observant as you say this will be expected anyway.) Then leave. Many people will likely be doing the same - more distant relatives, neighbors, family friends, etc.
Then go to the gravesite, place a small stone, stand and commune with her for a while. Think of your relationship and talk to her. Say Kaddish - if you don’t know it by heart (I sure don’t) take a transliteration of the Hebrew. I tear up just thinking “yiskadal v’yiskadash,” it has enormous power for me.
You are Jewish enough, there’s nothing your family can do to take it away from you. I am sorry you are feeling estranged in this moment.
Next year, light a Yizkor candle for her and say Kaddish again.
I don’t have any advice about inheritance, but you can mourn on your own terms. Sending love.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:09 PM on June 25, 2021 [5 favorites]
Then go to the gravesite, place a small stone, stand and commune with her for a while. Think of your relationship and talk to her. Say Kaddish - if you don’t know it by heart (I sure don’t) take a transliteration of the Hebrew. I tear up just thinking “yiskadal v’yiskadash,” it has enormous power for me.
You are Jewish enough, there’s nothing your family can do to take it away from you. I am sorry you are feeling estranged in this moment.
Next year, light a Yizkor candle for her and say Kaddish again.
I don’t have any advice about inheritance, but you can mourn on your own terms. Sending love.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:09 PM on June 25, 2021 [5 favorites]
Mourn in ways that make you feel better. To hell with convention. What would be good for you? Your grandmother is past caring. Really, be wholly selfish.
posted by tmdonahue at 3:29 PM on June 25, 2021
posted by tmdonahue at 3:29 PM on June 25, 2021
As someone who is Jewish and has family and friends across the spectrum of observance, I'm not sure what you would be excluded from. In very observant families there would be some gender separation and you wouldn't be counted towards a minyan (quorum for prayer), but you would still be able to attend a funeral/burial (which would be taking place within 24 hours) and sit Shiva. The rituals of Jewish mourning go on for an entire year, so you have time to find ways to honor and mourn in your own way. One thought is find a time to sit Shiva on your own for a day or two and invite your friends and chosen family to support you in your own mourning rituals.
You might find some of the resources on Shiva.com useful.
As for wills, those are public documents and your uncle can't hide your grandmother's from you. You can get a copy and then determine how to protect your inheritance at a later date.
posted by brookeb at 3:43 PM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
You might find some of the resources on Shiva.com useful.
As for wills, those are public documents and your uncle can't hide your grandmother's from you. You can get a copy and then determine how to protect your inheritance at a later date.
posted by brookeb at 3:43 PM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
"my grandmother comes from a Jewish family and even though none of them are actually religious, it seems during these times they adopt the religious traditions..."
I noticed this phrase, and want to point out that being not religious in day to day life does not mean people cannot use their ancestral and religious traditions. It sounds lousy for you, but you are kind of mean (yet funny) about the shiva ("whimpering for a week?). I would question this and wonder why there is such resistance.
You are feeling a lot of stuff, I send you good thoughts.
Also, some advice can be annoying, so feel free to ignore--but pay attention and be open to this experience--sadly, this probably won't be the first loved one who dies.
posted by rhonzo at 3:56 PM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
I noticed this phrase, and want to point out that being not religious in day to day life does not mean people cannot use their ancestral and religious traditions. It sounds lousy for you, but you are kind of mean (yet funny) about the shiva ("whimpering for a week?). I would question this and wonder why there is such resistance.
You are feeling a lot of stuff, I send you good thoughts.
Also, some advice can be annoying, so feel free to ignore--but pay attention and be open to this experience--sadly, this probably won't be the first loved one who dies.
posted by rhonzo at 3:56 PM on June 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
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It's obviously better if you can find people who cared about your grandmother to do it with, but there is nothing stopping you from holding your own personal commemoration ceremony/event by yourself. Go to her favorite spot, play some of her favorite music, light a candle, read aloud a letter you write to her...there are many possibilities. Also, did she belong to any organizations that would appreciate an obituary notice? If she went to college, alumni magazines will often publish those if you send them in. It may even lead to old friends of hers reaching out to you.
Put off dealing with any financial matters until you've had a little time to mourn.
posted by praemunire at 10:59 AM on June 25, 2021 [4 favorites]