Help me move on from a crush/limerence and focus on myself

June 18, 2021 11:28 AM

I developed a crush on a guy in my grad school programme last year and it was fantastic during the whole lockdown period. I admit I got very emotionally invested, and I read up on limerence – I’m trying my best to move on (through exercise, focusing on my PhD) but my mind keeps going back to him. I find myself wasting hours everyday thinking about him, our texts. It’s silly but I just want my mind back. Is cutting contact the solution?

We kept each other going (we never discussed anything too private, just exchanged a few bits of information about family) texting each other everyday. And anyway lockdown’s over and we talked about meeting up but that never happened and honestly I don’t see it happening. And that’s fine, I’ve sort of come to terms with it.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

It sounds like this relationship is winding down naturally. Do yourself a favor and just let it go - if not fully cutting contact, at least don't initiate. If that leaves you on edge wondering if he is going to text or not, then, yes, go ahead and gently cut contact.
posted by metahawk at 11:33 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]

Best cure for a crush is someone else's dick. Go put up a dating profile and text with a few randos for a few days. Even if texting is all you do, it'll let your brain in on the wide wide world of other people who are more available than this one and help you move on.
posted by phunniemee at 11:37 AM on June 18, 2021 [13 favorites]

I mostly want to tell you that while you don't have to date while doing a PhD, please don't make the mistake that some people make of thinking "Oh, I'll live the life I want after I get the PhD." The PhD is too long to postpone whatever makes you happy, and the life that follows will likely be busier, involve more than one long move, and so on. I say this as someone two years out from finishing. This is especially the case if you're a woman and want kids - I know more than one female PhD who de-prioritized dating during grad school only to realize towards the end, 'oh shit, I don't have much time left.'

So yeah, I'm with phunniemee - get on your app of choice, see who is out there.
posted by coffeecat at 11:56 AM on June 18, 2021 [1 favorite]

It's not clear, Did you ever ask him if he was interested in you? Like ask him on a date? Bc if not, that may help. If he says no it may be easier to move on, if he says yes maybe it would be fun to date the guy you are thinking about so much you ask internet strangers what to do?

It would be a shame to miss out bc both of you thought the other wasn't into it imo, ymmv.
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:22 PM on June 18, 2021 [2 favorites]

Is cutting contact the solution?

Yeah. I haven't talked to mine in 3 months and that is probably all for the best, because while you may daydream, you're not adding more fuel to the fire. I presume at some point I will stop caring.

Also, trying to find anything else that's interesting to think about or focus on.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:46 PM on June 18, 2021

Is it possible that there’s something going on in your life that’s causing you anxiety and you’re using obsessive thoughts about the crush to distract yourself and self soothe? If so, I’d suggest either addressing the cause at the root, or, if that’s not possible, adopting some other outlets for that anxious energy that you can take up in addition to thinking about the crush (a hobby, habit, exercise routine, etc.). If you can, do this without actively trying to force yourself to stop thinking about the crush, which, in my experience, only makes things worse.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 1:24 PM on June 18, 2021 [2 favorites]

Gently phrase it as a past-tense crush in your mind, and appreciate that you (still) have the part of yourself that can experience attraction and bond with other humans.

Your crush is/was a way you got to feel things and experience your life, which is good! But if you’re ready to move on to other things and be open to people who are clearly investing in you in a romantic way… it *will* take some willpower to move on.

I had some pretty intense limerance for a dude last year—lots of texting, weekly video chats—but despite lots of flirting (and very overt willingness from me), he never took our relationship in that direction. Which ended up fine. We’re friendly now, with no expectations.

Be kind to yourself. When you find yourself obsessing, try to identify the (very real and legitimate!) need you’re trying to meet in the moment, and see if there’s something else you can do to scratch the particular brain itch. Text a friend, work on your dating profile, look for events or meet ups, do something that makes your body feel intrinsically good.
posted by itesser at 2:04 PM on June 18, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure if you came across this book, Unrequited, in your reading on limerence. I read it several years ago, but I recall the author says that crushes can represent positive goals or qualities that we want for ourselves. So perhaps you could think about what you like most about your crush, and try and cultivate those qualities in yourself?
posted by Lycaste at 2:12 PM on June 18, 2021 [4 favorites]

If you're a serial limerent, you may want to look into attachment styles, limerence and unmet needs. If you do have a non-secure attachment style, then Personal Development School has a few videos about that. You may also find information in books like Women Who Love Too Much.

If this is a one off thing, you may wish to think about what it is that he brings to your life. Is he meeting an unmet need, like attention, excitement, validation, or something else? Can you do something else to meet this need?
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 7:20 AM on June 20, 2021 [1 favorite]