How to limit the mental 'rehearsals' before difficult conversations?
June 14, 2021 6:38 AM   Subscribe

When I have to have a difficult or potentially difficult conversation I pre-play it, rehearse it in my head, and I think this is helpful. But sometimes I can't stop, I repeatedly go over it, and if my mind wanders the first thing it does is go to this particular imagined conversation to pre-play it again. How do I stop?

This is usually fairly low stakes things like "I have to call someone to do maintenance on a thing" or "I have to make a complaint about a product", but these are often things I can't do by email or immediately because of opening hours or whatever, and in the meantime my mind keeps wandering back to what I will say, how I'll deal with any pushback, what the worst case scenario might be. Is it just a case of "just stop" or "give yourself 5 mins to think and then stop" or do you have more innovative techniques?
posted by AFII to Health & Fitness (9 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I broke this habit by writing out questions/speaking points in advance -- for me, I was rehearsing because I was superanxious (like, I'd actually get a rash I was so anxious) about forgetting the details I wanted to cover. I can now do this in shorthand but here's an example of the speaking points/notes/questions I would have written out for calling someone to work on, say, a leaky roof:

First, I'd write out my introduction on a piece of paper or a notepad -- and honestly I'd get pretty granular when I started, I'd even write out my own name as part of my notes!

- Hi, my name is [name]
- I live in [area] neighborhood
- My roof is leaking when it rains and snows
- Could we schedule someone to come take a look?

And then I'd have a list of questions to ask as part of the conversation -- sometimes the person on the other end will anticipate these questions, so I would just listen and take notes on the same paper as we'd continue:

- Is there a cost for an estimate?
- What day and time could someone stop by? (I prefer mornings M-F, but I'm out all day on the 23rd)
- Do they need to use my ladder?
- If we move forward with the work, what's the typical lead time on getting started?
- Is there anything else I should know?

I typically also privately note the name of the person I am speaking to, as well as the time and date.

I've done this for a long time, leaving a wake of bright post-its on my kitchen table after phone calls. My notes are scribbles and arabesques that only I can decipher, but it's proved to be a good method and I'm more efficient and more relaxed on calls now.
posted by mochapickle at 6:59 AM on June 14, 2021 [12 favorites]


My solution is similar but simpler. For me the key is I have to feel like I've "resolved" the worry by doing something concrete, but it's usually enough for me to write one or two notes in my phone. In general whenever I get stuck in mental loops like this, switching the medium and taking concrete action that's specifically related to the problem helps a lot. So writing it down works, but so does talking to a different friend and asking their opinion about my plan for the conversation. But if it feels like I'm "avoiding" the future problem, I'll end up redoing the conversation in my head again. I can't really "trick" myself here, but as long as I do something that feels conclusive I can move on without overanalyzing
posted by JZig at 7:59 AM on June 14, 2021


I do the same thing as mochapickle, also including my name, address, email address and phone number (so that if the conversation immediately fries my brain, I can just read them off instead of, say, panicking myself into silence wondering whether they need my first name, surname or both, or reeling off the address of the house I lived in when I was 7). I still do a great deal of rehearsing in my head, but it focuses the rehearsing a bit and makes it a little less daunting to pick up the phone, as well as helping the call itself go more smoothly.

If the rehearsals are stressing me out, I switch to anti-rumination tactics, as per this question from yesterday.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 8:02 AM on June 14, 2021


nthing writing it down. I try to do this fighting any sort of rumination. When I write it down, I feel either prepared, or that I have done something with the thought and my brain merrily moves along to other things.

I did this only yesterday with a rumination postmortem I was doing on a conversation. I am consistently amazed by how well this technique works for me.
posted by chiefthe at 8:42 AM on June 14, 2021


Writing it down in bullet points puts it to rest in my mind.
posted by MrJM at 8:59 AM on June 14, 2021


Above advice plus - try to be really clear about what I want out of the situation. Do I want to feel heard? Have them change their behavior? Get something? What specifically do I want to get? It really helps me clarify what I want and get some realistic expectations.

Finally, after having had many of these, things don’t go as planned because after my first few planned statements the other person will say something unexpected. So the letting go part comes with understanding that the other persons response is unpredictable so just have my talking points and then see what comes up. With my eye on what I want to get out of it as determined above.

Epilogue: if you’re still worried then maybe you’ve got some subconscious fear of what the other person may say do and what it means about you. So spend some time exploring what you may be afraid of there so it won’t have such a hold on you.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:27 AM on June 14, 2021


Response by poster: Just to be awkward, I do not find that writing things down in these scenarios helps - having notes and bullet points doesn't seem to ease off desire to rehearse. I don't think I'm worried that I'll forget something important.
posted by AFII at 9:50 AM on June 14, 2021


I think it's a case of "just stop." I make my call notes in a calendar event with an email reminder, and then I am DONE with the task until the reminder comes in (I mean, if I have something important to add to my notes I can hop into my calendar and update, but I'm not allowed to rehash everything from the beginning). So for those things that inspire rumination, I tell myself 1) I've thought about this, 2) it is scheduled for a particular time, and so 3) I will not waste additional brain space/worry/distraction. When I catch myself thinking about something that's already thought through and scheduled, I take a deep breath, tell myself "this thing is not happening right now, so I am not thinking about it right now" and I deliberately move onto another thought. Now, I might have to do that more than once though if it's something my brain is particularly hooked on, but actively NOT pre-/re-hashing something is way better for my sanity than the alternative.
posted by zibra at 10:55 AM on June 14, 2021


If writing is not your thing, maybe it might be the list/checkbox type of writing. Maybe a Mind map drawn on a single sheet of regular paper would let's say "fill" the page. Once it's full, (or crowded enough) it's done. Unlike a list of notes like an outline that can forever grow longer.

Mind map example handdrawn - Google Search

If you have only tried 1d list-o-things, try 2d.
posted by zengargoyle at 3:03 AM on June 15, 2021


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