Did I do something wrong with my colleague here?

June 3, 2021 12:03 AM

I had a social interaction with a colleague the other day that seems to have turned out badly and I'm not sure why. I'd love for someone to try to help me figure out where (or if) I went wrong.

Short version is that my colleague has been acting sort of weird and standoffish since we had lunch a couple of weeks ago. The longer version:

My colleague "Ben" and I had gotten pretty friendly over the last year of working from home -- frequent texts, occasional phone calls, venting about various stuff, etc. We're at the exact same managerial level at work, so neither one of us supervises the other. Just to set the scene, I'm a woman and married, and Ben is an out gay man. We're about a same age -- he's maybe five or six years older -- and we're both well into middle age. I like him a lot and decided that I'd like to become more friendly with him when that was appropriate, i.e., after our office fully opened again.

So flash forward to a couple of weeks ago. That day, I had a lunch date with a friend, "Scott" (not a colleague, but a friend from outside work). The restaurant where I made the reservation was fancyish, I guess? Upscale but not too upscale. Anyway, Scott is sort of flaky, so I figured there was a good chance he might cancel at the last minute, and indeed he did. I actually didn't mind that much, except for the fact that the restaurant charged you if you canceled less than 24 hours in advance. So my choices were to go to lunch alone or invite someone else. As it happened, Ben was in the office that day, so I texted him, telling him that Scott had canceled on me perhaps 30 minutes previously so if he, Ben, wanted to join me for lunch, he was welcome. I also told him what restaurant it was, and added, "My treat." He agreed and we walked to the restaurant, which is very near our office.

So we had a very nice lunch. I ordered an appetizer he didn't want to share, so I wound up taking the leftovers from the appetizer home. At the end, Ben reached for his wallet and said, "We can split this." I said no, absolutely not, as I had invited him and anyway, I had already told him I was paying. I thought this was fair in any event, as I had ordered something he didn't even share. He sort of did the "Are you sure?" thing a couple of times, and I said yes, I was positive, and he should put his wallet away. This was all perfectly friendly. The tab wasn't small, but was also not at all outrageous for the city we live in.

We walked back to the office and everything seemed fine. But after that, I noticed that I didn't hear from him much, in contrast to before lunch, when we'd chat back and forth frequently. At one point I sent a text venting mildly about something, which, as I noted above, we did frequently, and he just sort of gave a terse answer and didn't respond at all to a follow up. Apart from one strictly-business communication, we haven't spoken at all since then. We've received some emails from management that a month ago would have definitely precipitated a text from him, but now, nothing.

Some maybe relevant details: Scott and Ben don't know each other at all. Ben has also told me he has some medical issues that I won't get into here, and that they've been a little worse recently. I'm also quite sure I didn't act flirty or inappropriate during lunch, and anyway, as I said, he's an out gay person and he's aware that I've been married for a long time.

So...what's going on here? I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have insisted on paying for lunch? Was that insulting or something? Or is this just likely nothing to do with me at all and I'm catastrophizing?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

I'm far from an expert in understanding social interactions but reading what you've told us I don't see anything that's obviously rude or insulting in what you did. The only thing I can think of is if there's something you didn't do that he was expecting or thought you should pick up on? More likely though this is nothing to do with you - maybe check in on him soon - see if he wants to get a coffee or something.
posted by crocomancer at 1:00 AM on June 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

I don't think you did anything wrong our did a social faux pas. Why don't you just ask him?
posted by AugustWest at 1:17 AM on June 3, 2021 [8 favorites]

Unless you totally missed something -- which none of us will be able to tell -- my guess is that this is almost certainly something having to do with him. Most of us are not at our best now and I know I've dropped the ball socially innumerable times over the past few years... which often means unpredictable sporadic contact with friends at work or being randomly terse because I don't have the bandwidth for my normal level of social niceties. These things are because I'm juggling a whole lot and am going through my own things.

Given this general background and also his possible health issues, I think you're best served by assuming that it's him, not you, unless you get a stronger signal to the contrary. If I were in your shoes I'd probably reach out to Ben in a low-key way and see if he wanted to go for coffee and catch up or something, and say I've been a bit worried and want to make sure he is doing okay.
posted by forza at 1:26 AM on June 3, 2021 [4 favorites]

Communication--as directly and politely as possible--is the only answer here. "Hey, is everything ok? I miss chatting with you, and I feel like maybe I've done something to offend you."
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:02 AM on June 3, 2021 [59 favorites]

Yeah, you did nothing obviously wrong. I guess it's possible he has some weird hang ups about you paying, but that seems unlikely (and it would be his problem, not yours).
posted by Omnomnom at 5:40 AM on June 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

I wonder if he thinks he's obliged to reciprocate a swanky lunch and feels conflicted about that?
posted by kate4914 at 6:11 AM on June 3, 2021 [17 favorites]

Could be any of a hundred things going on here, but my first guess would be that he likes you as a work friend but a "fancyish" lunch together ended up feeling weirder than he expected and he's trying to roll back the level of friendship he thinks you're looking for.
posted by dusty potato at 6:18 AM on June 3, 2021 [11 favorites]

I wonder if the conversation touched on something that bothered him. Was there anything you spoke about that might have been problematic? Also, he could have stuff going on that is making him less able to keep up the previous level of communication.

A text like late afternoon dreaming provides gives him the opportunity to address anything.
Good luck!
posted by rhonzo at 6:20 AM on June 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

I don't see anything off or strange about your recounting of the interaction and I don't think you did anything wrong at all - but I also think he might feel like now he's obligated to reciprocate with a nice lunch. Maybe he's on a tight budget for any number of reasons and feels like it's now a medium-sized unknown expense hovering in the near future. I'd step back and take cues from him for a bit, and after a few weeks if he hasn't initiated anything you can suggest grabbing coffee and catching up. I wouldn't initiate a "state of the union" conversation with a work friend, but YMMV.
posted by superfluousm at 6:40 AM on June 3, 2021 [10 favorites]

It sounds like this whole relationship before the lunch in question was conducted over chat/text/email? Maybe it's just a case of "we get along great virtually but it's weird in person" -- I've definitely had that, probably because I'm more open when writing and more reserved in person. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong if that's the case, sometimes relationships are just better in one environment than another.
posted by jabes at 7:11 AM on June 3, 2021 [5 favorites]

One possibility could be that he felt like a peer of yours before, but maybe he's more used to Chipotle-level lunches, and after seeing how comfortable you were with the more expensive lunch, it made him feel like you two weren't so similar after all?
posted by bluesky78987 at 7:48 AM on June 3, 2021 [6 favorites]

Are his medical issues related in any way to his digestive system or could be triggered by food? I've been known to eat things I really shouldn't at swanky restaurants, particularly when dining with someone I don't habitually eat around, for various reasons (politeness, don't want to bring up the spectre of bathrooms at the table, think I'll get away with it for the delicious, whatever). Maybe he's had a health flare, doesn't want to tell you as a coworker/link it to the meal and isn't feeling chatty as a result.
posted by Grim Fridge at 8:47 AM on June 3, 2021

Another vote for not confronting him about this - he's a work acquaintance, not a social friend. But also, worth noting you are worried based on his behavior over the last "couple of weeks" a time in which his "medical issues" have been "worse." I'd assume you did nothing seriously wrong, and he's just drained from these medical issues.

Generally though, if someone really insists on paying, I think it's polite to at least allow them to pay for the tip.
posted by coffeecat at 9:12 AM on June 3, 2021 [6 favorites]

One thing that we've been talking about a lot in my circles (middle-aged, urban, mostly queer) is a realization of how much we obligated ourselves to work-connected socializing in the Beforetimes, and whether the time and expense of all of that feels worth it right now. But also, adjusting to in-person interaction is pretty freaking weird, and a lot of people are finding things exhausting for confusing reasons. Between that and his medical issues, he may just be not feeling up to the same level of chattiness right now. I don't see any red flags in your description.
posted by desuetude at 9:44 AM on June 3, 2021 [3 favorites]

If you are a female person, I can see how some types of men might feel weirded out by you inviting them to lunch at a fancy restaurant and insisting on paying.
posted by bq at 10:10 AM on June 3, 2021

I'm also in agreement that you did nothing at all wrong or off. I would wait a while before you send any kind of "What's up?" email. Sometimes going out and changing the context just shakes up the equilibrium for no real explicit reason. He may not even be fully conscious of why he's behaving differently. Also, it's interesting that your closeness developed remotely. This, too, is different than being close in 3-D. Some people are at better being close from afar.

Whatever the case, I would just assume you did nothing wrong, something's going on with him, and there's no need to rush in and fix anything. If after a few weeks, things still haven't normalized, you could possibly send a very low-key "Hey, I hope I haven't done anything to offend you."
posted by swheatie at 10:11 AM on June 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

You did nothing wrong.

It's really hard to know why someone acts weird. Maybe it's not about you at all. Maybe he realized in person he doesn't vibe with your energy. Maybe he did take offense to something totally innocuous (although this seems like the least likely based on your story). If I were you I would also want to know the answer and would feel hurt, but unless he tells you, there's no way to know. He decided to back off so really all you can do is the same.
posted by latkes at 11:02 AM on June 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'm sure you were fine! Like someone upthread said, maybe he was vibed out by the fancy lunch venue, maybe he has some stuff going on in his personal life, maybe he's just a little flakey, who knows! Do not make a thing of it. If the friendship is meant to be, you'll find your footing with him again eventually.
posted by cakelite at 11:28 AM on June 3, 2021

"Hey, is everything ok? I miss chatting with you, and I feel like maybe I've done something to offend you."

I wouldn't even go this far. There's no reason to think you've offended him, except for timing, which is so often coincidental. It may even come across as passive aggressive to imply that he's acting "offended" towards you. Personally, I'd be put off if I got this text from my work friend, especially if I had intensifying medical needs. As a neurotic person (who can sympathize with your social overthinking!), I would feel very stressed to learn that I might've upset a friend, and if I got this sort of message during a medical flare-up, it'd overwhelm me that much more.

Politely, this person likely needs to reserve time for his own life right now, not your work relationship. Center him in this, not you, by leaving the message at, "Hey, is everything okay?" Keep in mind that if he's going through something medical or personal, he may appreciate the check-in...or he may be too overwhelmed to respond. Therefore, I wouldn't read too much into him not responding, or barely responding.

If you do become aware that he's feeling better, and yet is still standoffish, that's when I'd wonder about the friendship.
posted by desert outpost at 1:00 PM on June 3, 2021 [9 favorites]

+1 nothing about this story contains any suggestion that you caused offense

(+1 it's possible the medical issue you heard about could be causing him to just not feel socially engaged. Or it could be a million other things unconnected with you. Or maybe there's something that did happen during your lunch that isn't in the story. But there's nothing plausibly offensive in what you've related.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:04 PM on June 3, 2021

I am Ben but not your Ben. It is me, not you. In the last month I had a medical thing come up and I have dropped the ball socially 💯. I appreciate the people, including work colleagues, who have just gently kept in touch while being clear they have no expectation of me responding rn. The people who have sent me multiple texts and phone calls guilt-tripping me and centring my social absence on them are the people I am least likely to reconnect with.
posted by saucysault at 3:55 PM on June 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

Since he shared his medical issues with you, would it be out of line just to ask him how he's doing? Don't make it about you at all or ask him if you did anything to offend him or vent about work, just see how he's doing. If he doesn't seem to want to tell you, leave it alone.
posted by wondermouse at 7:44 PM on June 3, 2021

It is impossible to know why Ben is standoffish. I am betting it is not the restaurant, or the fact that you paid. I have been treated by friends in similar situations and I feel no obligation to reciprocate dollar for dollar so I wouldn't think this would be the reason he is offended.

There are all sorts of things that could cause a person to be turned off, and we cannot speculate. You know the situation best.

I like him a lot and decided that I'd like to become more friendly with him when that was appropriate, i.e., after our office fully opened again.

When working from home, who reaches out the most and initiates conversation? Was he the type to seek you out and text you? Or, were you doing most of the texting and calling? If you're the one who is doing all of the work, it could be possible that he was fine replying to texts but not necessarily hanging out. Maybe he agreed to lunch out of politeness and then something was said or done at the lunch that didn't vibe well with him and he made a decision to distance himself a bit and not get too carried away with socializing.

EDIT: I reread that he did reach out. Ignore above.

I guess you could run the lunch over in your head and analyze if you said anything that would be deemed offensive but that's unproductive. One person can be triggered or offended by something that wouldn't bother the next person. You can't know what is up unless you ask and I would not ask. Let it lie and be cool. Even if he is standoffish it's likely him and not you.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:02 PM on June 3, 2021

My colleague "Ben" and I had gotten pretty friendly over the last year of working from home -- frequent texts, occasional phone calls, venting about various stuff, etc.

It's difficult to expect a very text/phone-centric relationship to comfortably transition to in-person rapport, especially when there's a "venting about various stuff" vibe going on. IME, a lot of pandemic-era new work "friendships" involve a bit of a higher tolerance for venting or general anything-other-than-yay-good-vibes than would have been comfortable pre-pandemic. It's possible that going out to lunch demonstrated to Ben that you guys had a more negative vibe together than he'd really feel comfortable with in a work friend?
posted by blerghamot at 8:32 PM on June 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

This is probably me projecting my own social hang ups on to Ben, but: sometimes, when I make a new friend, after we take a "next step" in our friendship (like me inviting them out to get brunch, or inviting them to a work out class), I feel myself nervous about reaching out to them again because "I don't want them to think I'm like, obsessed with them!" I recognize that this is my anxiety, and probably most people are happy with the progression of making new friends (it's so hard to make new friends!) but I just start to get nervous.

I would definitely not reach out and ask "did I offend you in some way?", that's just putting way too much pressure on what's right now a good work relationship/maybe friendship. Go back to sending normal joking or ranting messages about work. Also I think it would be fine to ask about how his health issues are (since he shared that with you himself).
posted by airplant at 9:15 PM on June 3, 2021 [2 favorites]