Should we bring a birthday gift?
March 31, 2006 10:42 AM Subscribe
My 3 year old is invited to a birthday party and the invitation specifies "no gifts." What is the ettiquette here? It is at a party place that is pretty expensive to rent out and pizza will be provided, so the host is spending a lot of money. It seems wrong not to bring a gift.
if it says "no gifts" do not bring a gift. when you get home from the party, have your child write/draw/color a thank you note, then mail it or hand-deliver it.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:45 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by crush-onastick at 10:45 AM on March 31, 2006
You'll probably leave with party favors too.
If you must give a gift, do it some other time than at the party or you risk making a lot of people uncomfortable. Don't be that parent.
posted by spakto at 10:47 AM on March 31, 2006 [1 favorite]
If you must give a gift, do it some other time than at the party or you risk making a lot of people uncomfortable. Don't be that parent.
posted by spakto at 10:47 AM on March 31, 2006 [1 favorite]
Ditto what everyone else said. It's also possible that the parents / the kid / the house already have way too much stuff and don't want any more. That's the situation a friend of mine is in...
crush-onastick's suggestion seems like a really good idea, both being just nice and to assuage any guilt you may feel.
posted by INTPLibrarian at 10:52 AM on March 31, 2006
crush-onastick's suggestion seems like a really good idea, both being just nice and to assuage any guilt you may feel.
posted by INTPLibrarian at 10:52 AM on March 31, 2006
A more appropriate form of reciprocation would be to extend an invitation to the hosts later. Maybe you could have the parents and kid over for a cookout sometime or something. I assume you'll be inviting them to your kid's birthday.
posted by grouse at 10:52 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by grouse at 10:52 AM on March 31, 2006
Another good solution is to have your kid make a birthday card to take to the party. I've been to 'no-gifts' parties where several kids bring handmade cards.
posted by ulotrichous at 10:53 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by ulotrichous at 10:53 AM on March 31, 2006
Do what it says.
Last kid's party I took my daughter to was one of those. Of course, there was a table full of gifts. I took the host aside and in a nice way said, "The invitation said no gifts - did these people all receive the same invitation?"
He assured me they had, and apologized for the rudeness of the other guests.
Seems inevitable that SOMEBODY will ignore the stated request of the host family. Nothing you can do about that, I guess.
posted by bovious at 10:56 AM on March 31, 2006
Last kid's party I took my daughter to was one of those. Of course, there was a table full of gifts. I took the host aside and in a nice way said, "The invitation said no gifts - did these people all receive the same invitation?"
He assured me they had, and apologized for the rudeness of the other guests.
Seems inevitable that SOMEBODY will ignore the stated request of the host family. Nothing you can do about that, I guess.
posted by bovious at 10:56 AM on March 31, 2006
Call the host and ask if you can help with anything (setting up, clearing up, driving other guests around etc.) is about the only thing you can do in addition to the card suggestions above.
posted by nowonmai at 11:02 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by nowonmai at 11:02 AM on March 31, 2006
Why not take your child to choose a gift for donation to a charity?
posted by ceri richard at 11:07 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by ceri richard at 11:07 AM on March 31, 2006
Yep. No gift.
We did the same thing for our son's second birthday and of course one parent "just had to get him SOMETHING" so all the other parents felt bad that they didn't bring something.
And as other's said, we had a house full of shit already and he didn't need anything else.
posted by bondcliff at 11:08 AM on March 31, 2006
We did the same thing for our son's second birthday and of course one parent "just had to get him SOMETHING" so all the other parents felt bad that they didn't bring something.
And as other's said, we had a house full of shit already and he didn't need anything else.
posted by bondcliff at 11:08 AM on March 31, 2006
INTPLibrarian is exactly right. For our daughter's birthday party last year we specified no gifts on the invitation. The main reason is that we feel she already has enough stuff. We gave her one or two presents, but we were trying to control the amount of crap she received. We still wanted to have a party where she could have fun with her friends.
Also noted, one person still brought a gift and it made me feel uncomfortable. I was worried that the other parents might feel bad because they had not brought something.
Finally, I did not expect any help or any reciprocity. I threw a party for my child because I knew she would enjoy it. This is not part of some elaborate scheme to entrap people into a web of back and forth invitations for dinner etc. We invited people because we like them and enjoy their company. Their company was all we desired. Don't feel compelled in any way to return the favor.
posted by bove at 11:08 AM on March 31, 2006
Also noted, one person still brought a gift and it made me feel uncomfortable. I was worried that the other parents might feel bad because they had not brought something.
Finally, I did not expect any help or any reciprocity. I threw a party for my child because I knew she would enjoy it. This is not part of some elaborate scheme to entrap people into a web of back and forth invitations for dinner etc. We invited people because we like them and enjoy their company. Their company was all we desired. Don't feel compelled in any way to return the favor.
posted by bove at 11:08 AM on March 31, 2006
No gifts = No gifts. Period. If you really feel a need to buy a gift, buy a book or toy and donate it to a local children's hospital/Ronald McDonald house. Put a note in the card, if you think it's necessary. Send a thank-you note after the party.
posted by jlkr at 11:13 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by jlkr at 11:13 AM on March 31, 2006
I agree with ceri richard. Make a donation to a local children's charity or children's hospital in the name of the birthday boy/girl. If part of the fun is going out shopping for a toy and then forcing your kid to hand it over, do that - but hand it over to Toys for Tots.
posted by ferociouskitty at 11:18 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by ferociouskitty at 11:18 AM on March 31, 2006
I really like the hand-made card idea. After all, it's the thought that counts. And 3 year olds make the BEST cards. It'll be something the they can put on the fridge and remind them of the great party where all their friends came and fun was had by all.
posted by Hanover Phist at 11:19 AM on March 31, 2006
posted by Hanover Phist at 11:19 AM on March 31, 2006
What I would love to see: A guest with a gift, being told by the host: "Thank you so much. I'm just going to whisk this away so no-one will feel awkward."
Sorry, not an answer. Just... wishing.
posted by wryly at 11:42 AM on March 31, 2006
Sorry, not an answer. Just... wishing.
posted by wryly at 11:42 AM on March 31, 2006
Having a 3 year old make a card seems like a really nice thing. Also, really adorable.
There was a thread somewhere these past few days about encasing things in lucite...
posted by Brainy at 11:50 AM on March 31, 2006
There was a thread somewhere these past few days about encasing things in lucite...
posted by Brainy at 11:50 AM on March 31, 2006
I have a 3 yr old too. I would pay you cold hard cash NOT to give my kid anything more, b/c most kids his age are up to their eyeballs in plastic junk. Of course, you probably already know this. But a nice thank-you card drawn by your cherub is a great idea. Or offer to take the other child out sometime to do something fun - lots of places are having kite festivals these days and they rule for 3 yr olds.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:47 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by selfmedicating at 12:47 PM on March 31, 2006
No gifts for the kids, but bring the parents some wine, vodka, or some other alcohol. ;)
posted by patr1ck at 1:15 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by patr1ck at 1:15 PM on March 31, 2006
It's an American thing unfortunately that gift=junk. A gift doesn't have to be a 'thing.' You might write a song, draw a picture on the computer, do a funny dance, etc etc. I try to do something nice for the other person even if there's a 'no gift' on the invitation; I interpret this to mean no crap-that-nobody-wants-or-needs. Anyways, yeah, there's always the parents. Or you could just show up and have a great time. That's the best gift you can give to a host.
posted by nixerman at 1:24 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by nixerman at 1:24 PM on March 31, 2006
A quick thought about the no-gift thing: a lot of parents these days (my wife and I included) like the idea of people not bringing "things" for their kids, because they want your presence to be what their kid looks forward to, not the stuff you bring. There's been at least one credible study (sorry I don't have a link) showing that kids who receive gifts from party attendees rate the people they know by the quality of the gift they received, while those who do not receive gifts rate the people they know by whether or not they showed up, and how they behaved.
posted by davejay at 2:04 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by davejay at 2:04 PM on March 31, 2006
How ABSOLUTELY refreshing for a family to want to celebrate with friends without making it an excuse to collect loot! And what a good lesson for the kid. Your friends are the best gift in life.
posted by The Deej at 2:57 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by The Deej at 2:57 PM on March 31, 2006
If you are worried because it seems wrong not to bring a gift, don't be, because it says no gifts. If you are worried you will be the only person who did not bring a gift, do the donation-in-kid's-name gift and keep it in your bag. If everyone else brought a gift, and it seems that you really *were* supposed to, hand it over. If not, you can either give it later or feel good knowing you donated to a good cause.
posted by starbaby at 3:20 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by starbaby at 3:20 PM on March 31, 2006
How has no one mentioned that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm yet? You say no gifts, but no one really means that. Has Larry David taught you nothing? Just don't stab anyone in the eye with a skewer.
posted by Drunken_munky at 3:55 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by Drunken_munky at 3:55 PM on March 31, 2006
As a mom of 4, a poem (funny, honoring the host) as well as a donation to a charity in honor of the child, would be very appropriate and tasteful.
posted by susanann at 6:22 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by susanann at 6:22 PM on March 31, 2006
If you are uncomfortable, perhaps you should call the parent and ask her or him to confirm the no-gift policy. I am throwing an 80th birthday for my mom, and a, well, ** for myself. Neither of us wants gifts: we are happy with our lives and our homes. We really just want to have fun and thank our friends for being who they are.
I completely empathize with parents who would not want a child's party to become consumer orgy. Perhaps talking to Mom or Dad will easy your conscience. If you feel awkward, buy a gift and keep it in the car.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 7:47 PM on March 31, 2006
I completely empathize with parents who would not want a child's party to become consumer orgy. Perhaps talking to Mom or Dad will easy your conscience. If you feel awkward, buy a gift and keep it in the car.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 7:47 PM on March 31, 2006
As the parent of a 3-year-old, I think I can understand the reasons behind the 'no gifts' policy: (1) many parents will buy a present at the last moment, and choose something really cheap and tacky, (2) many children will want to open their presents immediately (result: chaos, wrapping paper strewn everywhere), and (3) organising a birthday party is quite stressful enough without the added chore of putting the presents in a safe place, remembering who gave what, and writing twenty insincere thank-you letters on your child's behalf.
Having said that. I think the 'no gifts' policy also has certain drawbacks: (1) it places an onus on other parents to do the same, and (2) it also leaves them with a sense of social obligation which then has to be paid off in other ways, e.g. by throwing an expensive party for their own child. Don't get me wrong: I think the 'no gifts' policy is a good one, but it needs to be stated tactfully, e.g. with a note on the invitations saying "please don't feel obliged to bring a gift -- and if you do want to bring a gift, please make it a small one".
So (to answer the question, finally) what would I do? I wouldn't bring a gift, but I'd bring a birthday card with something small slipped inside, like a packet of stickers (3-year-olds love stickers) or a badge, or a chocolate coin taped to the card. Does that sound like an acceptable compromise?
posted by verstegan at 1:30 AM on April 1, 2006
Having said that. I think the 'no gifts' policy also has certain drawbacks: (1) it places an onus on other parents to do the same, and (2) it also leaves them with a sense of social obligation which then has to be paid off in other ways, e.g. by throwing an expensive party for their own child. Don't get me wrong: I think the 'no gifts' policy is a good one, but it needs to be stated tactfully, e.g. with a note on the invitations saying "please don't feel obliged to bring a gift -- and if you do want to bring a gift, please make it a small one".
So (to answer the question, finally) what would I do? I wouldn't bring a gift, but I'd bring a birthday card with something small slipped inside, like a packet of stickers (3-year-olds love stickers) or a badge, or a chocolate coin taped to the card. Does that sound like an acceptable compromise?
posted by verstegan at 1:30 AM on April 1, 2006
If you feel you MUST do something (though I agree with everyone else that your/your kid's presence is the gift), maybe offer to act as photographer for the day? Or simply take a great photo of the birthday child and mail it to the parents after the big day.
posted by necessitas at 8:30 AM on April 1, 2006
posted by necessitas at 8:30 AM on April 1, 2006
Interesting. Obey the invitation on one hand -- seems prety obvious -- yet I think every etiquette book in the world would note that stating "no gifts" on an invitation is already a faux pas. Having parties for three year olds might also be frowned upon by the Miss Manners set. In the end, I think the best solution (noted somewhere above), if you're feeling guilty about the parental outlay for the shindig, is to bring something for the parents/household -- as you should whenever arriving at someone's home for dinner, etc. At minimum, flowers.
posted by Dick Paris at 1:16 PM on April 2, 2006
posted by Dick Paris at 1:16 PM on April 2, 2006
I disagree with Dick Paris. Miss Manners and hostess gifts are not in play here; I'm as big a fan of arcane etiquette rules as the next person but it's different when kids are involved. The assumption to make is that "no gifts" for the kid means, "your presence is your present, please don't bring us anything."
stockaholic, it's also not really your place to speculate as to what the parents might be spending and whether that justifies an override to their request. For all you know, they are friends with the owner and are getting the party package for free.
Just go, take your tyke and a camera, and have a great time!
posted by pineapple at 5:44 PM on April 2, 2006
stockaholic, it's also not really your place to speculate as to what the parents might be spending and whether that justifies an override to their request. For all you know, they are friends with the owner and are getting the party package for free.
Just go, take your tyke and a camera, and have a great time!
posted by pineapple at 5:44 PM on April 2, 2006
I think every etiquette book in the world would note that stating "no gifts" on an invitation is already a faux pas
I think you're wrong. No gifts parties and weddings have been addressed in Miss Manners several times. Unless you meant that the invitation should have said "please no gifts" in which case I agree.
posted by grouse at 1:21 AM on April 3, 2006
I think you're wrong. No gifts parties and weddings have been addressed in Miss Manners several times. Unless you meant that the invitation should have said "please no gifts" in which case I agree.
posted by grouse at 1:21 AM on April 3, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by cosmicbandito at 10:44 AM on March 31, 2006