Should I break off a friendship and how would I do it?

March 29, 2006 1:11 PM

I am stuck in a one-sided frienship and not sure whether to end it or keep things status quo.

Friendship filter: I’m a 28 yr. old grad student. My work keeps me busy but I have a fair bit of control over my schedule. When I’m not working, I spend my time with my friends and family. Unless I am seeking alone time, I constantly invite friends to join me for small things like grabbing a cup of coffee, working out/ running, grabbing bite to eat to more planned activities like dinner parties, movies, drinks, hikes, bike/road/ski trips etc. Most people are busy with their own lives but I do get to spend time with each of my close friends at least once every two weeks (usually more frequent than that). So in a sense, I work really hard but I’m not a workaholic in that I don’t neglect my friends and never use being-stressed-at-work as an excuse. I mention my age because I am interested in maintaining (new and old) friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime rather than merely accumulating acquaintances. I hope to maintain a similar lifestyle as I make the transition to being a professor someday.

Here’s my problem. I have a friend (and one other in the recent past) whose attitude towards friendship is diametrically opposite to mine. She and I were once close (two years ago) but have drifted apart since then. I have tried in many ways to spend time with her but she is constantly stressed and very nonchalant about returning phone calls and emails. Every six weeks or so, she would call and (sincerely) apologize for not being in touch. She would make plans but bail and not call for another period of time. We have other mutual friends that feel this way about her. I am tired of trying to rescue this friendship and feel irritated when we actually do meet. I feel that if she cannot make time (or the effort) when we live in the same small town, its unlikely that we will stay in touch many years from now when we live further apart (so why bother). I am ready to end this friendship and just treat her as a random acquaintance (so I can stop thinking about this).
My questions are:
a) Am I being too critical for judging someone by my friendship standards?
b) Given that we were once somewhat close friends (not too long ago), am I being too hasty in trying to end this? Do people go through long bouts of stress or does that just become part of their personality?
c) What is your take on friendships? Do you actually make an effort to keep in touch/spend time with people or just go with the flow?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

My closest friends are often ones who I see extremely rarely. I have friends who I haven't seen in years, and ones who I talk with only very, very occasionally.

I just look at it and realize that my life is hectic, their lives are hectic, and we don't always have time.

I guess that means I go with the flow.
posted by I Love Tacos at 1:20 PM on March 29, 2006

Each person is different. Some people are good at maintaining contact with all of their friends. Others are not. For some people, you need to take the initiative if the relationship is important to you. It may be important to the other person, too, but they may not be the type who takes the initiative.

My wife and I have very different approaches to friendships. She will take the intiative to get together with a friend, but if the friend fails to respond, then my wife harbors a grudge. She won't follow up with continued attempts to schedule something. "If my friend wanted to do something, he'd contact me," is her reasoning. She's very good about replying to phone calls and e-mails when friends try to contact her.

I'm a little different. I, too, will take the initiative in contacting friends, but it can be haphazard. Sometimes I won't take the initiative for months. But when I do, I keep contacting the person until we have something set up. On the other hand, I don't resent it when a friend doesn't contact me for months. (Or years!) I relish every interaction with friends, and if somebody I haven't seen in two years contacts me, I'm always eager to see them again.

What it comes down to is this: each person has a unique approach to social interactions, including friendships. If a relationship is important to you, then you need to do what is necessary to maintaint that relationship at the level you desire. If your friendship with this person is important, then you're probably going to have to keep taking the initiative, and try to ignore the resentment. If it's not important to you that this friendship continue, then move on...
posted by jdroth at 1:23 PM on March 29, 2006

Why do you need to 'end' a friendship? It's not like a relationship where you need to see the other person and spend time with them. I have lots of "friends" who I havn't seen or talked too in years but I'm sure they'd be pretty happy to hang out or whatever if I managed to get a hold of them.

The other thing would be to get something like AIM or MSN. Or you could get a myspace or face book account and keep up to date with old friends that way.
posted by delmoi at 1:23 PM on March 29, 2006

Does this really need to be anonymous?

I don't draw a hard-and-fast line between 'friend' and 'acquaintance'. I see some people more than others. If someone behaves like this person's behaving, I see less of them. They're all friends, though.

That having been said, when someone behaves like this I stop making the effort to see them. Seems to solve the problem. I don't see any reason to be unhappy when you see her, however.
posted by sohcahtoa at 1:24 PM on March 29, 2006

More thoughts:

Note that I have one friend who is almost militant with regard to contact. It's like she keeps score regarding who contacted whom last. If you don't reply to a couple of e-mails, or if you don't make your share of plans, then she cuts you off. Not surprisingly, this person doesn't have a lot of friends, and yet she wonders why.

On the other hand, I have another friend who is warm and engaging and always "goes with the flow". She may not see a friend for days, or weeks, or a year, and yet she's always in the moment when she does see a friend again. Not surprisingly, she has many, many friends. (Though, admittedly, we all wish she were better at taking the initiative. Still, we know she's that way, so we just deal with it.)
posted by jdroth at 1:26 PM on March 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

you don't have to officially "end" the friendship unless you don't intend to be friends with the person again. this is not a business or employee/employer relationship. just stop talking to her.

friendships like all relationships takes work to maintain....but seriously though, a person can only do so much and be accomodating and understading to a certain point, after which if the effort to maintain the relationship is not reciprocated, then it's safe and even fair to say that you're not interested in it anymore.

the more time you waste on people like her the less time you leave yourself to spend with the people who really matter.
posted by eatcake at 1:26 PM on March 29, 2006

For me, the true measure of a friend is that I might be hanging out with them all the time, or maybe only see them once a year, but either way, it's like we were never apart.

so that's my take: i love to see my friends, but if I don't get to, it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. I don't go out of my way to make plans with friends I haven't seen in a long time either -- if I see them, i see them. I guess I'm basically saying that, to me, if you have to "maintain" a friendship, it isn't one -- *that's* an acquaintice.
posted by fishfucker at 1:28 PM on March 29, 2006

Be the kind of friend to her that she is to you. Don't burn the bridge, but don't give it much effort either.
posted by Sara Anne at 1:29 PM on March 29, 2006

I agree with Sara Anne, above. I've had (and still have) some very one-sided friendships. I try to remember that annoyance takes work, and by holding a grudge I'm still putting energy into something that clearly isn't giving me any energy back. So I take a deep breath, shrug, and try not to care. But I'm still secretly annoyed.
posted by Uccellina at 1:39 PM on March 29, 2006

I have some very good "go with the flow" friends -- we may drop out of sight from each other for awhile (weeks, months, even years) but we always wind up segueing back into each other's lives. The key for me is not necessarily frequency/consistency with these people, but with quality of our time spent and their reliability when the chips are down. For example, my friend Chris and I would absolutely do anything for each other -- even if we'd been out of touch for years (which is often the case). We even said this explicitly to each other the last time we saw each other: no matter how long we might fall out of touch, no matter who "owes" each other a phone call or email, we will always have each other's back, no questions asked.

This, to me, is ultimately more important than the people who might be "good" about returning emails but wouldn't have my back in a crisis. Which isn't to say I don't value my social time with those friends and don't appreciate their reliability in keeping in day-to-day touch, but rather that I understand that we have a relationship that's based on frequent contact but isn't terribly deep, while with a friend like Chris, we have a relationship that's based on infrequent contact but an unshakeably deep connection. Neither is necessarily better than the other; I've come to be happy to have both in my life.
posted by scody at 1:41 PM on March 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

I also agree with Sara Anne. You'll probably like this woman much better if you stop trying to see her and having her bail last minute. Let her come to you; you won't see her so often, but when you do, you'll be able to enjoy it with less baggage.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:48 PM on March 29, 2006

If you're not getting anything out of it, don't invest anything in it. You don't have to break-off the friendship, just let it drift away through apathy, and stop worrying about it.
posted by blue_beetle at 1:59 PM on March 29, 2006

It sounds like your friend is being a flake.

Flakes can be good (and often very entertaining) friends, but you pretty much have to accept that it's random chance whether or not they will appear at any given appointment.

If you can accept that kind of thing, then by all means keep considering her a friend. If not, you're probably best off letting your attachment to this woman fade.

Fade, of course, but not necessarily die. You seem to indicate that this is new behavior for her, and there's always the possibility that that her behavior will change once again. Truly lifelong friendships need to accomodate these sort of life shifts, even if that means drifting apart for a few years.

(Just wait until all your close friends start having babies and dropping off the face of the earth for six months at a time, reappearing only long enough display their haggard sleepless faces and spittle drenched clothes, saying in zombie-esque voices "Come, join us." Then your friendships really start to change.)
posted by tkolar at 2:12 PM on March 29, 2006

Friendships have a lifespan, and it sounds like this one may be in its twilight. Like others have said, though, you don't need to "end" it specifically, like you're going to break up with her, just...don't make the effort you once made since you know it's likely to be wasted effort. If she tries to make plans with you in the future, you might make a pointed remark at that time about how you don't want to be left holding the bag like those other times she made plans and bailed, and see how that goes. If she does bail on you again after you've made that remark, then next time she tries to make plans tell her you're busy. There's no reason you can't keep in touch with her and remain on friendly terms with her, though. Just realize that her priorities are different from yours. She'll just be your "friend you don't hear from very often," and you don't need to put more thought or stress into it than that.
posted by Gator at 2:19 PM on March 29, 2006

You are being way too critical. Some people are like this. It's not that she doesn't like you, or is a bad person, she's just a bit lost in her own world and is bad at following up. If you like this person and want to keep them in your life then the solution is pretty simple: stop making random demands on her time. Instead, offer to have a monthly get-together. The same time, same day, every month. She can't miss it and she can't forget about it--she has to mark it down on her calendar and hold herself to it. You both get to spend time together and you get to stop stressing over whether she'll ever return your call. Most importantly, you stay friends.
posted by nixerman at 2:25 PM on March 29, 2006 [2 favorites]

People come in and out of your life. The easier you make that for them, the more friends you will have. Sometimes it just takes too much psychic energy to deal with anyone, even people you really like. If you just leave the door open and don't get your tail in a twist because you're making all of the effort, most of your friends will likely drift back. You may find yourself in the same place someday and be more grateful for the people who let you come and go than the ones who let themselves get insulted by your lack of attention. Don't cut your friend out of your life, put her on the back burner. E-mail is perfect for this. You can send one of those funny things we all get and maybe sometimes put a little note: "Hi, thought you'd enjoy this. Hope you are well
One of my favorite people lives, at most, 10 minutes away. I saw her 2 months ago after no contact for a year and a half. The conversation went something like this:
"I'm the worst friend!"
"No, I am!"
"No, Me!"
"It's so good to see you!"
"Let's have lunch soon"
I still haven't called, neither has she, but I know that one of us will and I also know that if either one of us needs the other we will be there without recriminations.
If your goal is to have a lot of friends for the rest of
your life, make it easy to be your friend.
posted by BoscosMom at 2:25 PM on March 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

I work really hard but I’m not a workaholic in that I don’t neglect my friends and never use being-stressed-at-work as an excuse.

Dude.. no offense, but if I was your friend, I'd be running in the other direction, fast enough so that all the passive-aggressive crap you're tossing my way doesn't hit me.

Your need for stifling predictability from your friend circle can be just as aggravating and antisocial as your friend's detachment, if not worse. I'd recommend reading your post over again and putting yourself in the position of an objective observer.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 2:45 PM on March 29, 2006

I have been on both sides of the coin. My first question (I didn't see anything about this) is are you sure that nothing is going on in your friends life that is making her act this way? When I was going through my divorce I went through bouts of depression that would make it hard to keep plans and I would get nervous about seeing even the oldest friends. And after defaulting on so many plans I was twice as nervous to see people because I felt so bad and didn't want a lecture.

Invite your friend to low stress group activities (movies, etc). If she doesn't want to come along then fine-- maybe she is distancing herself for a reason-- maybe there are bad things going on and hanging out with successful grad students isn't going to make her feel so great about herself. Send her an email telling her that you are always there for her and whenever she is ready she can find you at the right number or email. Remember her birthday and any other holidays. Give her time to come back to you.
posted by haplesschild at 3:00 PM on March 29, 2006

Response by poster: Oh, man, um, I am one of these friends.

I guarantee you it is not because she doesn't like you, or she's deliberately ignoring you. She's a flake, like someone else said.

haplesschild has the best advice. Take her to low-stress group outings, remember her when you can. She won't resent you for not being militant about setting up one-on-one contact.

On the other hand, I understand if this is not the kind of friendship you're able to maintain. Different strokes for different folks.
posted by Anonymous at 4:38 PM on March 29, 2006

I am one of these friends, but I ain't no flake.
If she is like me, she appreciates her friends, but they aren't the be-all end-all in her life. Is she an introvert?

I also had a friend like you, who would invite me to hang quite often*. Friendship was an all or nothing proposition for him as well, and I was eventually 'Cut out' (His words) for not living up to my end of the 'bargain'.
Seems kinda silly to me.
You don't have to post a notice in the local shopper disowning your friend, or even confront her about it.
Just stop inviting her.
If she values the friendship to the same degree you do, she'll give you a ring sometime.
If she doesn't, no harm, no foul, you'll always have Paris.



*So often that his wife ended up resenting me.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:08 PM on March 29, 2006

Anonymous wrote...
She would make plans but bail

Alvy Ampersand wrote...
I am one of these friends, but I ain't no flake.

Ummm.... if you're repeatedly making plans with friends, and then flaking you are, in fact, acting like a flake.

Just sayin'....
posted by tkolar at 10:56 PM on March 29, 2006

Question for you to consider, that I had to recently consider myself...

...if you were once close (even not that long ago), but almost never talk to each other anymore... well, are you sure you really still know each other? Maybe you've both changed so much that you wouldn't be friends if you'd just met.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:42 AM on March 30, 2006

I'm also that girl who is crazy stressed and never has time to catch up with friends. And yes, work is a legitimate excuse. Sometimes I have to stay late unexpectedly, and most times I am so worn out by the time the end of the day rolls around, the last thing I want to do is expend more energy being social. I want to go home and recover. Try meeting her on her terms; I hardly ever go out after work, but welcome anyone who wants to bring over a movie and vegetate. If the fact that she's not around or can't meet up is the only thing bugging you out (not, say, that she's cold and cruel or whatever), then I think you're being kind of silly to attempt to end it. And the poster above who mentioned that something else might be going on is totally spot on. In the end, I wouldn't go abandoning her because she won't meet you halfway all the time, friendship is not a tit for tat game and it sounds like she's at least aware of the problem and knows its something she has to work on.
posted by ml98tu at 8:30 AM on March 30, 2006 [2 favorites]

tkolar: I got the impression that the friend's inability to stay in touch was the bigger issue for Anon. Sloppy of me.

I have been known to bail occasionally, although I'm getting better. Often, as an introverted and passive person, I would feel cornered and badgered into making a commitment to hang, so I would agree just to get the inviter off my back, already knowing that I wasn't going to go. Passive-aggressive, yup.

When one friend is more overtly aggressive, it's easier to irritate them and perhaps be painted with the bailing flake brush than to say outright that you don't want to make a promise that you may not feel like meeting come next Tuesday. "No, I don't want to hang out this week," would open an even bigger can o' worms.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:41 AM on March 30, 2006

I am ready to end this friendship and just treat her as a random acquaintance (so I can stop thinking about this).

Until I got to the "small town" part of your post, Anonymous, I figured your friend was named Catharine and lives in New York City. What I quoted above--that's exactly how I dealt with the exact same situation--I realized I don't need another unreliable person around me, and I dumped her ass, basically, figuring that anyone who can't take the trouble to follow through on plans isn't interested in being friends.
posted by scratch at 10:05 AM on March 30, 2006

Alvy Ampersand wrote...
I got the impression that the friend's inability to stay in touch was the bigger issue for Anon. Sloppy of me.

Eh. You're probably right. I seized on the "making plans and then flaking" because that's something that drives me nuts.

I'm introverted but not very passive, so when friends push I just say "No" up front. I've definitely missed out on some friendships (with extroverts, ignorant bouncy golden retrievers that they are) but frankly I'd rather be friends with people who don't take my need for downtime as a personal affront.
posted by tkolar at 10:05 AM on March 30, 2006 [1 favorite]