Worth it relocating to be closer to relatives?
February 28, 2021 2:42 PM Subscribe
Considering moving to be closer to older relatives. What are the pluses and minuses to keep in mind?
My wife and I have a 2-year-old kid and live in Chicago; we moved here for a job that has gone fully remote since COVID and appears likely to stay remote.
Neither of us are from the midwest or have family ties here. My parents and siblings are scattered around the NYC suburbs, while my wife's family lives in Miami.
We're considering options for the future, and one thing that keeps coming up is being near relatives so our kid can see them more often. My parents are elderly and dealing with chronic health issues, while my wife's father recently passed away and her mom has complications from COVID.
At this time, the main thing keeping us in Chicago is cost of living--we want to buy a house, and home prices in Chicago + nearby suburbs are much, much cheaper than their equivalents in the NYC metro area or Miami. Another reason we moved here was the ease of going to visit our families by plane from O'hare, but that's obviously become much more complicated recently. On the flip side, we're pretty much alone here except from a few neighbors we met and some friends from work.
If we move to the NYC area, there's nowhere in particular where we'd be close to my family; they live in Brooklyn, New Jersey, Long Island... you name it. We'd also be paying much, much more for rent or buying a home. Cost of living for everything else is way easier in Chicago too, and commuting is definitely easier in CHI than NYC. On the plus side, we both have a ton of friends and professional contacts in the city, the boros and the suburbs.
Meanwhile, we have a much larger network of relatives/support in my wife's family, who all live in Miami. Cost of living is cheaper there than NYC, but still much more than we'd be paying in Chicago. My wife's also hesitant because although she can work remotely, her industry doesn't really exist in Miami or South Florida and she'd be out of the loop from a lot of events once things go back to taking place IRL (I'm self-employed and that doesn't factor into the equation for my job).
We have 3 good options for where to live, and are trying to figure out what works best for us.
Here's my question: What should we keep in mind and prioritize as we make this decision?
My wife and I have a 2-year-old kid and live in Chicago; we moved here for a job that has gone fully remote since COVID and appears likely to stay remote.
Neither of us are from the midwest or have family ties here. My parents and siblings are scattered around the NYC suburbs, while my wife's family lives in Miami.
We're considering options for the future, and one thing that keeps coming up is being near relatives so our kid can see them more often. My parents are elderly and dealing with chronic health issues, while my wife's father recently passed away and her mom has complications from COVID.
At this time, the main thing keeping us in Chicago is cost of living--we want to buy a house, and home prices in Chicago + nearby suburbs are much, much cheaper than their equivalents in the NYC metro area or Miami. Another reason we moved here was the ease of going to visit our families by plane from O'hare, but that's obviously become much more complicated recently. On the flip side, we're pretty much alone here except from a few neighbors we met and some friends from work.
If we move to the NYC area, there's nowhere in particular where we'd be close to my family; they live in Brooklyn, New Jersey, Long Island... you name it. We'd also be paying much, much more for rent or buying a home. Cost of living for everything else is way easier in Chicago too, and commuting is definitely easier in CHI than NYC. On the plus side, we both have a ton of friends and professional contacts in the city, the boros and the suburbs.
Meanwhile, we have a much larger network of relatives/support in my wife's family, who all live in Miami. Cost of living is cheaper there than NYC, but still much more than we'd be paying in Chicago. My wife's also hesitant because although she can work remotely, her industry doesn't really exist in Miami or South Florida and she'd be out of the loop from a lot of events once things go back to taking place IRL (I'm self-employed and that doesn't factor into the equation for my job).
We have 3 good options for where to live, and are trying to figure out what works best for us.
Here's my question: What should we keep in mind and prioritize as we make this decision?
Would someplace like Philly as a fourth option make any sense for you? Closer than Chicago, but potentially less expensive than the NYC area.
posted by trig at 3:04 PM on February 28, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by trig at 3:04 PM on February 28, 2021 [5 favorites]
A lot depends on how independent your parents are. My parents were quite independent in their 80s. At 90 it was, well, one crisis after another, and the two of us siblings in the area devoted a lot of time to them, and I'm glad both of us were here.
If they're able to drive safely, walk around easily, manage their own house, then maybe you should take advantage of the better cost of living in Chicago while you can.
posted by zompist at 3:04 PM on February 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
If they're able to drive safely, walk around easily, manage their own house, then maybe you should take advantage of the better cost of living in Chicago while you can.
posted by zompist at 3:04 PM on February 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
Another thing you may want to consider along with these other issues is the Values Thing. Like, Florida has had a dramatically differing response to this last presidency and associated issues than the other locations you are considering. That may be AOK with you or it may not, but I think it's an important thing to consider. Especially given the lack of opportunities for your wife, I might budge FL further down the list and also concur that a non-NYC NY location might really work for you.
posted by jessamyn at 3:22 PM on February 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 3:22 PM on February 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
Yeah, these days having a state governor who takes coronavirus seriously is....pretty crucial to your potential health. And there's nothing jobwise for your wife? I concur with Jessamyn on Florida, and zompist on "enjoy your freedom while you can, if you can."
Actually, reading what you said, I'd say to stay in Chicago.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:00 PM on February 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
Actually, reading what you said, I'd say to stay in Chicago.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:00 PM on February 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
You don't mention if your wife has siblings close to her parent. If not, I think Miami gets a few extra points. Maybe you can spend some of the summer visiting your family in NY?
Having been through end of life for my mother and aunt, I do think there is value in being near our elders as they leave this world. This assumes everyone has a relatively healthy and loving relationship with the 'rents. How old are your parents? In my experience, 80 is when things start to get tricky...
My family was, fortunately, pretty local, so the siblings were able to to share coverage and support, which included:
Coordinating and bringing to appointments
Food shopping
Pill organization
Trash removal and household upkeep
Taking over finances, paying bills
Urgent and emergency room care, hospitalization, etc..
In the last few months, someone stayed overnight most nights. I visited her pretty much every week. Her hearing was terrible, and she never really adjusted to hearing aids, but she was overall quite sharp, kept up with news, read books. She definitely enjoyed her grandchildren, and they remember her with loving fondness, even the younger ones.
So what I'm saying is, if you have the ability to be closer, I say take it.
If you end up staying in Chicago, provide as much support as you can from afar. Acknowledge the time and resources the local family members are contributing. And visit as much as you can.
posted by rhonzo at 4:15 PM on February 28, 2021
Having been through end of life for my mother and aunt, I do think there is value in being near our elders as they leave this world. This assumes everyone has a relatively healthy and loving relationship with the 'rents. How old are your parents? In my experience, 80 is when things start to get tricky...
My family was, fortunately, pretty local, so the siblings were able to to share coverage and support, which included:
Coordinating and bringing to appointments
Food shopping
Pill organization
Trash removal and household upkeep
Taking over finances, paying bills
Urgent and emergency room care, hospitalization, etc..
In the last few months, someone stayed overnight most nights. I visited her pretty much every week. Her hearing was terrible, and she never really adjusted to hearing aids, but she was overall quite sharp, kept up with news, read books. She definitely enjoyed her grandchildren, and they remember her with loving fondness, even the younger ones.
So what I'm saying is, if you have the ability to be closer, I say take it.
If you end up staying in Chicago, provide as much support as you can from afar. Acknowledge the time and resources the local family members are contributing. And visit as much as you can.
posted by rhonzo at 4:15 PM on February 28, 2021
Does...anybody want to move to your area? Might be worth a conversation, given the circumstances.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:50 PM on February 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:50 PM on February 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
From the specifics, if I was you I would stay in Chicago.
But from the general, I have a little observation from being someone with a daughter a few years older: for me, the 2 year old stage was about the time that the need for babysitting and suchlike became a big deal. Even before Covid, we both worked from home, and a 2 year old is at the worst possible stage for that: too mobile to stay out of trouble, and not old enough to be left unsupervised. It’s an exhausting, if delightful, time, and I would have given anything for a little more (read: any) support from family then. But the thing is, very very soon afterwards she was in nursery, and then pre-K, and so on. And the days came back, and things changed a good deal.
I don’t know if this is relevant, but I would wait until you’ve had a year or so of Kid In School and see how you feel then. It changes a lot. (Also, your social circle opens right up at that time: parents)
posted by DangerIsMyMiddleName at 5:42 PM on February 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
But from the general, I have a little observation from being someone with a daughter a few years older: for me, the 2 year old stage was about the time that the need for babysitting and suchlike became a big deal. Even before Covid, we both worked from home, and a 2 year old is at the worst possible stage for that: too mobile to stay out of trouble, and not old enough to be left unsupervised. It’s an exhausting, if delightful, time, and I would have given anything for a little more (read: any) support from family then. But the thing is, very very soon afterwards she was in nursery, and then pre-K, and so on. And the days came back, and things changed a good deal.
I don’t know if this is relevant, but I would wait until you’ve had a year or so of Kid In School and see how you feel then. It changes a lot. (Also, your social circle opens right up at that time: parents)
posted by DangerIsMyMiddleName at 5:42 PM on February 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
Unless you love Chicago (and it sounds like you're more neutral towards it), I agree with the suggestion of Philly as a good in between option. You could also look into Baltimore. In both places, real estate is much cheaper than NYC, and it's pretty cheap/fast to either drive/take a bus to NYC or fly to Miami.
posted by coffeecat at 8:36 PM on February 28, 2021
posted by coffeecat at 8:36 PM on February 28, 2021
Can you actually live somewhere that's within a mile or two from a key family member? If you're busy people, that's probably the only way you can provide them with practical support easily or vice versa.
Do either of your families regularly meet up with each other or socialise with each other? Some families do and some don't. Mine do but only a few times a year and I would miss out if I lived further than weekend trip distance. If yours don't then there's no guarantee they would form a wide support network even if you moved.
Similarly, how well do you get on with your own parents, and how frequently do they spend time with other grandchildren if they have them?
Given you are already looking at a long-distance relationship for one side of the family, will there be any bitterness about picking the other side? If so, will it be worth it?
Essentially, if you are moving to 'be near family members' then I think the most important thing to take into account is what exactly your expectations are for what that means and whether those expectations are realistic, given what you know about your respective families. It would be a terrible shame to move to, and still find that you don't have what you were hoping to have but with less money and possibly fewer career options (in the case of Miami and your wife).
posted by plonkee at 5:40 AM on March 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
Do either of your families regularly meet up with each other or socialise with each other? Some families do and some don't. Mine do but only a few times a year and I would miss out if I lived further than weekend trip distance. If yours don't then there's no guarantee they would form a wide support network even if you moved.
Similarly, how well do you get on with your own parents, and how frequently do they spend time with other grandchildren if they have them?
Given you are already looking at a long-distance relationship for one side of the family, will there be any bitterness about picking the other side? If so, will it be worth it?
Essentially, if you are moving to 'be near family members' then I think the most important thing to take into account is what exactly your expectations are for what that means and whether those expectations are realistic, given what you know about your respective families. It would be a terrible shame to move to, and still find that you don't have what you were hoping to have but with less money and possibly fewer career options (in the case of Miami and your wife).
posted by plonkee at 5:40 AM on March 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
This will probably sound pretty selfish, but, the closer you move to relatives (especially parents/grandparents) the more possible/probable it becomes for you to take-on managing their healthcare and other personal affairs as they get older, which can quickly become a highly time-consuming and wearing job. Is this something you and your spouse want to dive into?
posted by Thorzdad at 8:35 AM on March 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 8:35 AM on March 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
Are your parents into kids? Some grandparents are not. I am. I retired a year ago just before the pandemic and had planned to spend summers with my kids and grandkids in upstate NY and the rest of the year in Georgia, my home for the last dozen years. I ended up spending four months in Ithaca, where my kids live, but instead of staying with any of them I had my own little apartment. It made a big difference. I had so much fun having the grandkids over to my own place that I decided to move back up there and spend the worst part of winter somewhere warmer.
I don't think Miami is really as expensive as NYC, but your in-laws perhaps live in very pricey areas. Here is one comparison.
And another.
One extra advantage of Miami is that all your northern family will want to visit in the winter.
posted by mareli at 10:24 AM on March 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
I don't think Miami is really as expensive as NYC, but your in-laws perhaps live in very pricey areas. Here is one comparison.
And another.
One extra advantage of Miami is that all your northern family will want to visit in the winter.
posted by mareli at 10:24 AM on March 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
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posted by kschang at 2:54 PM on February 28, 2021 [7 favorites]