How can I help my boyfriend relate with people better?

March 28, 2006 11:14 AM

How can I help my boyfriend relate with people better?

My boyfriend, while not anti-social, behaves in a very selfish way. Examples: conversations tend to focus on him and his work; he forgets to ask people how they are; changes the subject frequently back to a topic related to him; gets bored easily when others are talking. ("Others" most certainly includes me.) He's also had a lot of trouble at jobs in working with other people. If he wasn't so good at what he does, I'm sure he would have been fired from a number of positions.

I know that he really isn't that selfish, but lacks the skills to interact with others in a non-selfish way. I think that he may be ADD. (He also has trouble doing any ONE thing. He can't watch TV, be on the internet, read, or have a conversation without one of those other things also happening.) After years of working with him to help him remember to let other people talk and cueing him to ask others how they are doing, I think that I may have exhausted my personal reserves. In fact, I think that I can't handle it anymore. I deserve someone who isn't selfish!

I asked him to speak with his primary care doctor to recommend some sort of mental health professional to guide him through this. Any other suggestions? How can I be supportive?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

I have a boyfriend with ADD and I've written about him here a lot. In the interests of not making him into a huge medical specimen, I'll just say that this is a problem we work through. If your partner hasn't been diagnosed (and there are a lot of reasons for people to be distractable and weird like that, some of which are medical issues and some are just personality things) do that first. You two can make a decision about whether medication is something you want to deal with. A lot of ADD folks self-medicate with pot or alcohol and while it's bad as a crutch, it can help in social situations sometimes. The other thing we've found super helpful is really vigorous exercise and a diet full of omega-3 oils (tuna, flax seed) as well as low sugar and low caffeine generally.

The other issue of course is how much you want to be his coach through any of these issues and how much you just want to be with someone who is not like this. That's a decision you'll have to make, of course. However, if he hasn't seen a doc yet, I'd give it a chance to see if that does anything. I've had ADD friends who were seemingly "cured" after getting on the right medication, and others that were still basically the same as far as irritating traits go. If you want to get really into the ADD world without necessarily talking it all over with your boyfriend, you can go to the ADD Forums and specifically check out the Non-ADD Partner support area. I don't spend a lot of time there personally but at times have found that the people there had perspective I was lacking in some areas.

You might also want to read Driven to Distraction which is one of the central self-help books about ADD. Part of working out ADD issues has to do with making sure that you and your partner identify what sort of behaviors are ADD-related and what are just personality quirks and trying to learn how to work out the former and live with the latter. No one wants to be a project partner, but since living with ADD does require a certain amount of coaching [and forgiveness] one of the hardest things to do is draw that line effectively.
posted by jessamyn at 11:50 AM on March 28, 2006

I'm not sure how much good you're going to do by forcing him to be interested in other people. I'm sure there are issues that a doctor or therapist could help with, but it sounds like you're upset that he's not more interested in meeting your needs, and yet you're asking here how to help meet his needs.

I think, to some extent, that if you're fed up with him behaving selfishly, then you need to stop giving him so much. Tell him that you're at the end of your rope, and let him start doing the work he needs to do to fix it. (Or not, in which case, you may want to question whether you really want to be with someone who's ignoring your needs so blatantly.)

Even if he has ADD and you're willing to support him as he finds strategies for coping, it just seems like putting all the responsibility on yourself for finding and implementing those strategies is a LOT to ask a partner to bear.
posted by occhiblu at 11:55 AM on March 28, 2006

(By that, I mean "it's a lot for you to bear," not for your boyfriend to bear.)
posted by occhiblu at 11:57 AM on March 28, 2006

Does he recognize that he's got a problem, and is he committed to working on it? You sound like a very loving girlfriend, and if he gets bored when you're talking, he's exhausted your personal reserves, and you've gotten to the point where you think you deserve someone less selfish, it sound he might not be motivated and therefore capable of change. You don't mention that he's troubled by his own behavior or it's affect on you.
posted by tula at 11:57 AM on March 28, 2006

Does your boyfriend want to change his relations with people? If he does--regardless of how anyone wants to label/medicalize it (ADD, Asberger's, unkind male stereotype, etc.)--he should look into books previously suggested here like Intimate Connections (D. Burns), some of the early Dale Carnegie books (esp. for workplace tact/finesse--they read a little cheesy but are still very valuable and address many of the issues you mention), etc., look into therapy options, explore any ADD connection with his physician, etc.

However, it sounds like you're the one who has the biggest problem with this behavior, though, and you're right, you may have exhausted your personal reserves, and you do deserve someone who isn't selfish (if this is in fact a simple case of selfishness on his behalf that extends to other parts of your relationship). You're his GF, not his therapist or mom--it's not your job to spend years working with him to help him remember to let other people talk and cueing him to ask others how they are doing.

Tell him, matter-of-factly and without rancor, that you're not going to do this anymore. It will be his decision to sink or swim socially. He can hire someone (i.e. a therapist) to take over your old job of social coach, or check out some books at the library for self study. Or he can decide he's doing fine just the way he is. If you can't deal with a BF who is socially tactless, that is a whole different issue.
posted by availablelight at 11:58 AM on March 28, 2006

Doesn't sound like ADHD to me. There exists a personality trait or disorder, depending on how you look at it: at the mild end, you get people like your boyfriend. Slightly farther down, it's called Asperger's Syndrome. Farther than that, it's called autism. Due to the increasing prevalence of this, people have speculated that it's due to some chemical in the environment, but no one knows for sure (yet).

Whatever it is, it doesn't change much.

You can work with him a bit, get a therapist, whatever, and quite possibly small changes can occur. But the problem is deep: people aren't that interesting to him. Don't take it personally, ALL people aren't that interesting. It's not selfishness, just disinterest. Depending on how far down the scale he is, it may be almost impossible for him to learn the behaviors that you want from him. You try feigning interest in vector calculus or the sex lives of centipedes and see how long you can manage it.

That said, you've spent years at this and are dissatisfied. Accordingly, you have a decision to make: either accept the way he is or leave.
posted by jellicle at 12:54 PM on March 28, 2006

Sounds exactly like my sister. Although you shy away from labeling his behavior "selfish" others might not be so generous. The label we've settled on regarding sis is "narcissistic" and after a little web research into that term, you'll lose hope for any improvement.
posted by Rash at 12:55 PM on March 28, 2006

Anonymous writes...
I know that he really isn't that selfish....

...In fact, I think that I can't handle it anymore. I deserve someone who isn't selfish!

You seem a little conflicted about whether he is selfish or not. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, "Selfish is as selfish does."

I think you've done the right thing in telling him this is a problem for you, and in asking him to get help. There's not much you can do beyond that.

If he fails to get help for it, I encourage you to bail and go get what you deserve elsewhere. Even if he does get help for it, you may not have the patience to wait while he does his personal work.

Take care.
posted by tkolar at 2:00 PM on March 28, 2006

I also know someone that sounds like this and in her case it isn't ADD (although I don't know the specifics of your case). Unfortunately there's no "cure" for self-absorbtion other than life experience. And sometimes even that doesn't change things. There's lots of guys that aren't so into themselves. So if that's a dealbreaker, break it.
posted by Idiot Mittens at 2:08 PM on March 28, 2006

What jellicle and tkolar said. I also thought "Asperger's" when I heard your description. And remember: just because you can find a *name* for his selfishness, doesn't mean he isn't selfish or self-absorbed, or at least far less absorbed with other people than you'd like (maybe, for example, with an incredible fascination with the sex life of centipedes or other non-people subjects).

You've worked with him for years and are dissatisfied with at least this part of your relationship. Many people wouldn't give someone who appears selfish a month of their time, or a second date. Don't assume he'll change, but instead balance the positives with the negatives as things stand right now, and decide.
posted by lorrer at 2:32 PM on March 28, 2006

My husband and I have two friends whose social behavior is very much like what you describe in your boyfriend. These guys are good people and their wives and kids are caring and fun to be with. We don't think less of the women for putting up with them. Each of these men seems to have gotten the message that he needs to make an effort to show interest in other people -- but even though they've both learned to say things like, "And how have you been," it doesn't actually help much.

What actually does help is that each of them will occasionally make a self-deprecating comment about his own ineptness. And people who know them well sometimes kid them gently. Still, it can be tiring to spend a whole evening with either of them.

You can remind your boyfriend as directly and as often as you want about how he can treat you more considerately. But I don't think it's your job to be his courtesty coach when you two are out in the world. And if he expects you to save him from his own bad manners, then he really is selfish. (I couldn't tell if he's looking to you for this coaching, or if you do it just out of your own wish keep him from offending people.)

If you can't get used to his bad social skills around other people, you're going to have a problem as long as you're with him. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't be so bothered. There's nothing wrong with valuing politeness and considerate social behavior in a mate. It's also okay for a person to shrug off his/her mate's boorishness, and assume it's the boor's problem.
posted by wryly at 3:19 PM on March 28, 2006

My friend suffers from the same, slightly sociopathic tendencies. Which have pretty much driven me to the end of my rope after several years.

She has gotten slightly better, through encouragement and support from her boyfriend and our mutual friends. But there are elements there that haven't changed at all after 4 years of knowing her. It ebbs and flows depending on her mood and occasionally she remembers to care about other people.

The ultimate problem is her overall view on life: outside of small specific events, the only thing that matters is herself and her own satisfaction.

Ultimately a desire to change is a helping factor, but unfortunately that might not be enough, when, in his mind there is nothing wrong...
posted by slimepuppy at 1:56 AM on March 29, 2006

Honey? Is that you?
posted by longbaugh at 4:55 AM on March 29, 2006

My partner has Asperger's although his behaviour is not similar to what you describe. Having said that what you descibe is not just plain bad habits, I suspect, so here my 2 cents worth.
All I can say is a trite, "there is only so much you can do" because that's the reality if it is ADHD or Asperger's. Where there is serious motivation to change on his side, things can happen, and certain scipts can be learned. But you will always be aware that they are just that, scripts. I suspect you want some support for your decision to have you be someone's centre of attention, and I can honestly say my advice to you would be to find an exit strategy now.
If I had understood the problem in more depth when I was 19 I wouldn't be married to this man today. Despite out mutual love and respect it never gets easier. We just focus of the other good things in our life, like our amazing children.
posted by Wilder at 5:00 AM on March 29, 2006

Honey? Is that you?

I thought the same thing until the second paragraph. Whew.

The only suggestion I can think of is maybe agreeing on some kind of signal or gentle reminder between the two of you when you feel like he may be behaving inconsiderately. Hopefully this way you avoid making him feel embarassed about or nagged about it, but you can help him realize when his actions may seem inappropriate to others, which he may not realize on his own.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:58 AM on March 29, 2006