How do I support my 14-year-old student who has come out as transgender?

January 9, 2021 3:03 PM

A student of mine came out as transgender at the beginning of the school year. All of the staff as well as the students called them by their new name and gender preferences without much to-do. The parents are pushing back, and so now the principal and assistant principal are pushing back as well. How do I support my student?

About a month into school, my student asked that we call them "Steven" and use they/them pronouns. Some teachers, like myself, did this immediately and naturally. Others had a harder time with it on a personal level, but respected the request.

We then had a parent-teacher meeting where the dad made it known that he was uncomfortable with the fact that the school was using Steven's requested name and pronouns. Steven had told us that his parents were completely supportive so this pushback surprised us.

Now the principal and the assistant principal are saying they they will call Steven by his preferred name in person , but will be using she/her pronouns. Some teachers are relieved by this annoucement, saying they do not think Steven wants to truly change gender identities as they are "feminine". Furthermore, the principal wants us to use Steven's birth name on all school documents, saying that we have no right to change Steven's name. I feel uncomfortable by some of the things they are saying about Steven and think we should fully support this student. However, I am out of my depth here. I am not sure in what ways I should/can support my student.

What resources should I be looking at? What concrete ways can I support Steven? What issues am I not thinking about here that I should be?

posted by Blissful to Education (17 answers total)

I am going through this on a personal level.
Our school (pretty liberal) would not use the preferred name without a permission letter from me.
The Information Specialist changed the email account name willingly, but told me the school cannot change the legal name of a student, the courts have to do that. So all records - grades, etc - are under the natal name.
I remain concerned how this will play out with records on college applications/financial aid applications/etc.
posted by rudd135 at 3:11 PM on January 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

I don't know anything about the practicalities, but as a trans person, I want to thank you for trying. Please let Steven know that you think this is wrong and that you support them and will do what you can to make the situation better. Having someone on your side is really important, even if that person can't change things.
posted by lab.beetle at 3:18 PM on January 9, 2021 [31 favorites]

It is commendable that you're trying, thank you so much!

Where are you located? I have resources I can point you to, but they are specific to educating in California, and I don't know if they necessarily translate to other states (or countries).
posted by Temeraria at 3:26 PM on January 9, 2021

Response by poster: I'm in France.

Edit: I would be grateful for any resources from other countries that could guide me even if they won't apply to specifically to France.
posted by Blissful at 3:30 PM on January 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

I can't really help you with what you can legally do, since I am not familiar with France's laws. Generally, you can only change a student's name if their parents have already made a legal name change for them. (In the US, they don't even have to change it after you graduate, though you can get a lawyer and appeal. Guess how I know.) You can, however, have a "display name" or "preferred name" situation which is a little extra work for you and admin, but which will make a big difference to Steven.

In general, as a young trans person, what you CAN do is whatever your parents are wiling to fight for on your behalf, or whatever you can get others who are sympathetic to you to do. Sounds like Steven's parents are not going to fight for them. You may be able to speak to them about it and emphasize how important it is to Steven even if they don't agree.

You as a teacher who cares about Steven as a person can respect their name and pronoun change, but you may not be able to do anything about Steven's birth name on school documents. The best you may be able to do is something like "Birthname Lastname (Steven Lastname)" on everything, much like you'd do for a student with a nickname like "James Smith (Jim.)" You could make a policy of using preferred names and pronouns for all of your students as a general policy of respect, but you have to decide how much you want to push for a change from administration and school-wide change.

It might be worth personally pushing back on other teachers who can't respect Steven's wishes, even if you can't make a lot of wider change. Since basic respect is not working, you can fall back on tricking them into respecting Steven, with arguments like "If it's a phase, let's make it as boring as possible so the kid will get bored and grow out of it." It would be better if everyone would just go with the change out of respect, but sometimes doing the right thing for the wrong reason is good enough.

I would say that having at least one adult who respects what you're doing with your identity is very important to staying healthy and sane as a gender-variant youth. Speaking from experience, it is a pain in the neck to change all your documents over once you have changed your name, and it's even worse to live with a "mixed-wallet" situation-- just very degrading and humiliating, over and over again, for no practical reason other than cis people in charge not respecting your own experience because it's easier for them. However, it's better to have at least a few people who know and love you enough to respect your choices than it is to have nothing and no-one.

There are a lot of creative solutions out there to soften the impact if you're not able to consistently respect and carry out a student's wishes re: their name and pronouns. For example, I knew a teacher who required that students go by the reverse of their names, i.e. John became Nhoj, as a teachable moment about sounding out words and also so that his many new immigrant students weren't the only ones who had to teach everyone to say their names.

I probably shouldn't suggest the "ol' portable misgender-correcter" for using like you'd spritz a cat on the counter with water, should I.
posted by blnkfrnk at 3:51 PM on January 9, 2021 [19 favorites]

I'm a trans person in the UK, so I can't speak to specific legal problems, but in terms of documents like school certificates and so on, it's likely true that you can't use a different name on them unless the student has changed their name elsewhere (probably with the permission of a parent/guardian if they're not legally an adult).

However, I would look to how much you can control in your classroom. Can you make your class a safe space for Steven? Is it possible for you to use their chosen name on things like homework or other less "important" documents, so they at least have that level of support?

I would absolutely make it clear to Steven that you, personally, as their teacher, are on their side and in their corner. This sort of support will be very valuable to them as a young trans person negotiating an increasingly hostile world. Let them know (if you're able) that they can come to you in confidence and that you will respect their personhood and their journey.

Steven had told us that his parents were completely supportive so this pushback surprised us.

I'm not shocked that they might have lied about this. If they're coming from a home where their gender is being denied, they might be looking for opportunities to live independently of that and might have thought of the lie as necessary to get the school on board.

One note of caution: if you do go ahead and support Steven, it may be worth considering how much of your personal support will get back to their parents or to your boss, and whether that will cause more serious ramifications for you or for Steven. I do worry that their father might escalate from being "uncomfortable" if he sees, for instance, schoolwork still coming back with Steven's preferred name on it. No matter what you do, I would continue to talk to Steven about what they're comfortable with, and assess from those conversations the likelihood of Steven being put in harm's way if you are too vocal about your support. It's a horrible thing to have to consider, but it happens, and happens often.

You also might need to consider how far you're willing to go if, say, Steven's parents decide to lodge a formal complaint against you, or get other "uncomfortable" parents involved in an action against you if they think you're complicit in something they don't agree with.

On a personal note, thank you so much for being so thoughtful and for being willing to stand with Steven. People like you save lives. Please don't discount the good you can do even if all you're able to say is "I see you".
posted by fight or flight at 5:21 PM on January 9, 2021 [9 favorites]

I think there's nothing you can do about the school documents. My school database also uses legal names only. So I mostly ignore it. I tell my students to use their preferred name on their papers and any non school website we use (like Quizizz), and I use their preferred name in the classroom and when speaking to other teachers.

If Steven was my student, I would ask them what name they wanted me to use when emailing their parents. If they said "Steven" and the parent objected, I'd probably go super formal and generic and not use any names at all. For example, "Dear parent/guardian, Your student is missing two assignments in Math 101 class. The last day to turn in these assignments is Tuesday." etc.

I have not been faced with a teacher who refuses to use preferred name or pronouns yet, but I think one way to respond would be to blandly say "They prefer Steven/they them". If they say they won't, you could respond "That's a weird/rude/disrespectful thing to say." depending on your comfort level. Repeat without emotion as needed.
posted by rakaidan at 5:52 PM on January 9, 2021 [2 favorites]

If it were me in your shoes, I would differentiate between supporting Etienne personally, one on one and what is legally required of you. I would actually have a conversation with them. I would tell them that I am required by law or by school regs to use their legal name on all documents, but I will always refer to you by your chosen name and chosen pronouns and I will always look upon you as the person you are, the person you strive to be, and as a person who is capable of making decisions on their own.

Growing up, I asked my teachers to use my middle name. They were the only ones who I asked that of. Maybe it was to be a pain in the ass, but I cannot tell you how much I appreciated the teachers that honored my request. There was one teacher who I did not like at all who honored my request. It meant a lot to me to know that while they were asshats, they were a safe place and would treat me like an adult. At 14, your student needs to know that they have allies in this world. Be their ally.

It is not your job to fight the school admin or the student's parents. It is your moral obligation though to support your student even if that is as simple as honoring their request on pronouns and names. Always use their chosen name and pronouns when speaking to them privately or publicly. On legal docs use whatever is required of you by the school which is presumably following the laws and regulations.

If the parents insist you call their child by the name they chose for them, apologize for "using the name your child prefers" but by any name they have a special child who is doing well in your class. We may be referring to them differently, but they are still a great kid who will grow into a terrific adult.

I am not a teacher, but I have coached youth sports for decades. I found that my role was to teach them the sport, but also to give them support within and outside the team. It is important to celebrate and encourage individuality.
posted by AugustWest at 6:00 PM on January 9, 2021 [5 favorites]

In terms of things like databases, this is HUGELY dependent on local laws and policies. Here in MA, for example, students 14 and over *do* have the right to request name/gender changes on all school records (including the statewide legal student information system); this is not dependent on any outside process. However, their parents (until the student reaches 18) *also* have the right to request name/gender changes etc., so working with the student and their families to avoid any situation of "kid requests new gender, we change it, parent requests old gender, we change it, repeat ad nauseam," which might increase the kid's trauma, is important. But if everyone is on board, it is simple to do.

In this case, legalities aside, it is not simple. Does your school have a written policy about how you support trans students? If not, this is an impetus to work on coming up with such a policy (not directly referencing this case, of course, but in general). Your ethical goal has to be to support the student as best you can, and it is great that you are trying to do that. Deadnaming them or using the wrong pronouns is not okay, unless they have said it is, so you are absolutely right to not want to do that. That validation is absolutely key for your student's mental wellbeing.

For resources, GLSEN is a pretty good organization with a lot of educator guides.

Thank your for what you are doing to support this student - even one truly supportive educator can make a huge difference for LGTBQ+ students.
posted by lysimache at 8:16 PM on January 9, 2021 [3 favorites]

Furthermore, the principal wants us to use Steven's birth name on all school documents, saying that we have no right to change Steven's name.

I think that in these circumstances (which yes are disrespectful of the child in question, who nevertheless is a child and as such has limited power), you treat the preferred name as you would a nickname. IE if you have a student named Rebecca who everyone calls Becky, where do you use Rebecca and where do you use Becky? I imagine report cards etc are Rebecca, but in class it's Becky.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:34 AM on January 10, 2021

The name element is easier, as you can use the example of nicknames / abbreviations which presumably have an already defined solution. Legal name changes are subject to French law, and there is apparently a specific procedure for changing your first name, involving a "“tribunal de grande instance", as well as another route for changing both your birth certificate gender and name.

Pronouns are more challenging. I would, unless explicitly instructed to otherwise by your boss, use any student's preferred pronoun in conversation. I'm not sure the extent to which, in the French language, you can easily obfuscate which gender/pronoun you are using with creative wording in writing. But it would be worth thinking about how you can try.

Please also check again with your student about what they would prefer. You don't want to be pushing them to do more or less than they are comfortable doing now, particularly in relation to opposition from their parents.
posted by plonkee at 4:05 AM on January 10, 2021

Response by poster: After stating I am in France, I realized that the pronouns "they/them" might be confusing. I teach at a bilingual school so the students preferred pronouns in English are "they/them" but "il/lui" (he/him) in French as they/them has no French equivalent. The French language is very gendered so that does add another element to this.

The student has been very clear that it is important to have "Steven" and not their birth name on school papers. They cross out their birth name whenever they see it and replace it with Steven. Their name was changed to Steven in our database, but will be changed back to their birth name. (Student does not know this yet).

I have also told my bosses and the other staff that I think we should treat this as if a student named "Caroline" asked we use "Carrie" but the principal has stated that as a parent, they wouldn't want the school to be widely incorporating the preferred name of their own child if this were happening in their family so I don't think they will be able to respect this. I believe my bosses were hoping this was a phase that would not last long.

Also, another student will most likely also be coming out as transgender and this is going to bring the issue up again in a bigger way I believe.

Anyways, thank you for the answers so far.
posted by Blissful at 5:21 AM on January 10, 2021

Their name was changed to Steven in our database, but will be changed back to their birth name. (Student does not know this yet).

It sounds like the documents issue might be something you can't do anything about as it's up to your principal. But I think you could still very much be a point of support for Steven and your other trans student -- let them know you think that this is wrong and do everything you can within your classroom to make them feel welcome and safe.
posted by fight or flight at 5:57 AM on January 10, 2021 [1 favorite]

Other creative ideas, for written work could you use their initial and surname? Or, if their initial is not the same as the one on their birth certificate, perhaps just their surname?

If you were in the UK, I would be directing you to Mermaids, the charity for gender diverse children and young people. Is there any kind of similar group in France that might have dealt with this before?
posted by plonkee at 8:01 AM on January 10, 2021

You might check the databases for students whose preferred names got included for assimilation reasons (e.g., shortened names or changed spellings to avoid majority folks mangling or perseverating on them) or as because nicknames or middle names weren’t as marked. Precedent could swing either way — allowing Steven to be Steven or reverting the others to their legal names, but either outcome would be fairer to Steven. Publicizing the ?new? policy would raise awareness.
posted by mahorn at 9:26 AM on January 10, 2021 [1 favorite]

One solution I have seen people use with unsupportive administrations is to use "Lastname FirstInitial" for all students.
posted by corb at 2:11 PM on January 10, 2021 [2 favorites]

Some teachers are relieved by this annoucement, saying they do not think Steven wants to truly change gender identities as they are "feminine".

i would like to definitely emphasize that this logic by those teachers is utter bullshit, and if you have the spoons to push back on it, please do.
posted by i used to be someone else at 7:32 AM on January 11, 2021 [1 favorite]