Long depression is lifting. What the hell do I do now?
December 7, 2020 5:12 PM Subscribe
Looking for recommendations - books, articles, anecdotes, etc. — on how one re-learns how to live and re-orients their life if/when long-term depression lifts and space suddenly opens up for entertaining the possibility of hope for the future.
After working for a couple months with new doctors, new modalities and new medications, the longterm treatment-resistant depression I’ve struggled with on and off for 30 years seems to be taking a significantly new and better turn. Yes, it’s early days - I have 4 more weeks of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and am getting used to some new medications (many pluses, some minuses). But, I am finding myself, surprisingly, starting to seriously consider what life might look like were I not Depressed. So far, there’s been a significant change of many aspects of my mood — for the better!! — such that now I’m often finding it challenging to Do or Work or Think . To Get Shit Done. The ways I used to operate were very often driven by fear and anxiety and fear and rumination and self-flagellation and fear and hopelessness. It’s fair to say those neagtively-driven approaches were very much a part of the building of my career, and many other aspects of my life fortunate, comfortable, and apparently-successful Life. I'm working to be ready to abandon those approaches, as they are clearly no longer serving me. It would seem that these recent positive changes are a Good Thing; but the problem is that Doing or Working or Thinking in the new way — more content, more appreciative, less fearfully, less punitively to myself — is really an Undiscovered Country for me.
Hence: how the hell am I supposed to live Not Depressed, when Being Depressed has informed so much of all I’ve ever done? How do I replace the old ways, with new (healthier) ways ?
Relatedly: For some specific reasons, it’s often difficult to trust the good feelings. To trust feeling happy, content, hopeful. Hard not to second guess myself, or my assessments of what’s “good” or the right fit for me ; whether I can/should make myself open to engaging in new enterprises, or approaches to living, relationships. Or even just letting myself feel good and excited and happy. Or being as open to new love as I'd like to be. Almost never do I trust that today's assessment of what's good and right for me isn't due to some selective interpretation based on accidentally happening to find myself, in the moment, in a Good Place.
Thanks for any pointers.
After working for a couple months with new doctors, new modalities and new medications, the longterm treatment-resistant depression I’ve struggled with on and off for 30 years seems to be taking a significantly new and better turn. Yes, it’s early days - I have 4 more weeks of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and am getting used to some new medications (many pluses, some minuses). But, I am finding myself, surprisingly, starting to seriously consider what life might look like were I not Depressed. So far, there’s been a significant change of many aspects of my mood — for the better!! — such that now I’m often finding it challenging to Do or Work or Think . To Get Shit Done. The ways I used to operate were very often driven by fear and anxiety and fear and rumination and self-flagellation and fear and hopelessness. It’s fair to say those neagtively-driven approaches were very much a part of the building of my career, and many other aspects of my life fortunate, comfortable, and apparently-successful Life. I'm working to be ready to abandon those approaches, as they are clearly no longer serving me. It would seem that these recent positive changes are a Good Thing; but the problem is that Doing or Working or Thinking in the new way — more content, more appreciative, less fearfully, less punitively to myself — is really an Undiscovered Country for me.
Hence: how the hell am I supposed to live Not Depressed, when Being Depressed has informed so much of all I’ve ever done? How do I replace the old ways, with new (healthier) ways ?
Relatedly: For some specific reasons, it’s often difficult to trust the good feelings. To trust feeling happy, content, hopeful. Hard not to second guess myself, or my assessments of what’s “good” or the right fit for me ; whether I can/should make myself open to engaging in new enterprises, or approaches to living, relationships. Or even just letting myself feel good and excited and happy. Or being as open to new love as I'd like to be. Almost never do I trust that today's assessment of what's good and right for me isn't due to some selective interpretation based on accidentally happening to find myself, in the moment, in a Good Place.
Thanks for any pointers.
Congratulations! it was wonderful to read this. As someone who dips in and out of depression, I would say use your newfound energy to nurture your relationships and engage more with the physical world outside your head. Dive into something you're interested in, but just didn't have the verve to like, DO. Hiking, cooking, doll collecting, whatever. :)
posted by jessca84 at 7:57 PM on December 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by jessca84 at 7:57 PM on December 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
Congratulations and a huge, hearty 'well done' to you. With our mental health, we're so quick to blame ourselves for all the things that go wrong, but rarely good at crediting ourselves when it goes right. You can fill a little bit of that spare space with feeling proud of yourself.
There's no rush. Give yourself time to unfold! It's understandable that now you finally have this new lease of life you want to work out what to do with it. But it's also a process that will take time, and probably a little trial and error, and patience.
I don't want to go throwing whole new modalities into a regime that sounds like it's working well for you, but from what I understand of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, it might have some useful elements for you. Part of it is about deciding what your values are, what you want to put your life's energy into, and then working out how to do that, via the small things in life as much as the grand gestures. So that then, you have a framework by which to decide whether you want to do something or not. Do you want to spend time with this person/on this project? Well, will it fit with your values, or at least not work against them? That helps you decide, rather than having to work it out from scratch every single time.
And as jessca84 says, counterintuitively, sometimes things that get you away from thinking can be really useful when you've been spending a lot of time thinking about yourself. Vigorous exercise and volunteering are good bets for me, but YMMV. Your mind and body can learn through physical activity as much as they do through mental activity. Just spent 3 hours on the weekend sorting boxes of donated goods to create gift packs for the homeless? You come home with your brain having had a three hour rest from thinking about itself, feeling pleasantly physically tired, and knowing in your very bones that you are now a person who believes that fortunate people should use their energy and resources to help the less fortunate, rather than sitting at home deciding that intellectually.
Best of luck!
posted by penguin pie at 3:25 AM on December 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
There's no rush. Give yourself time to unfold! It's understandable that now you finally have this new lease of life you want to work out what to do with it. But it's also a process that will take time, and probably a little trial and error, and patience.
I don't want to go throwing whole new modalities into a regime that sounds like it's working well for you, but from what I understand of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, it might have some useful elements for you. Part of it is about deciding what your values are, what you want to put your life's energy into, and then working out how to do that, via the small things in life as much as the grand gestures. So that then, you have a framework by which to decide whether you want to do something or not. Do you want to spend time with this person/on this project? Well, will it fit with your values, or at least not work against them? That helps you decide, rather than having to work it out from scratch every single time.
And as jessca84 says, counterintuitively, sometimes things that get you away from thinking can be really useful when you've been spending a lot of time thinking about yourself. Vigorous exercise and volunteering are good bets for me, but YMMV. Your mind and body can learn through physical activity as much as they do through mental activity. Just spent 3 hours on the weekend sorting boxes of donated goods to create gift packs for the homeless? You come home with your brain having had a three hour rest from thinking about itself, feeling pleasantly physically tired, and knowing in your very bones that you are now a person who believes that fortunate people should use their energy and resources to help the less fortunate, rather than sitting at home deciding that intellectually.
Best of luck!
posted by penguin pie at 3:25 AM on December 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
You probably know this, but make sure you have mental strategies for handling life’s bad points when they come up in the future, because they do for all of us. I.e. don’t let yourself think “I was doing so well and now this!!” If you can see the difference between real events that merit sadness or worry, and situations where you are just ruminating or “catastrophizing “ as my wife calls it, you’re doing well. Mainly though, just enjoy being happy. Do things you like. Start looking at the good side of every situation and focus on it. Glad you are doing better! I was depressed off and on for decades but have been much better myself for the past 10 years or so.
posted by freecellwizard at 8:47 AM on December 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by freecellwizard at 8:47 AM on December 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
I haven't totally been there before, but I can say one thing that is kind of amazing and hard for me to wrap my head around as a person getting out from under anxiety, is that it's possible to do a thing without [thinking about, ruminating about, constantly dwelling on] doing the thing. You can actually just... pick up the trash and carry it outside. You can write an email, maybe read over it once for grammar, and hit send and be done.
I don't know how to "make" those things happen in a way that isn't painful and self-coercive but it seems like I can "do" those things even if I don't "make myself". Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's a thing I want to do and go open the computer and give myself the opportunity to execute - but it seems like really a lot of the time all I have to do is give myself that first nudge to go start and then it flows.
Oh, and it helps if that nudge is compassionate. Like if you were talking to a pet or a child who was balking at something you knew they would really be happier to do. Yep, I know the bed is all nice and cozy, but hey, I don't want to miss that meeting! There'll be coffee downstairs, hmmm?
posted by Lady Li at 7:07 PM on December 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
I don't know how to "make" those things happen in a way that isn't painful and self-coercive but it seems like I can "do" those things even if I don't "make myself". Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's a thing I want to do and go open the computer and give myself the opportunity to execute - but it seems like really a lot of the time all I have to do is give myself that first nudge to go start and then it flows.
Oh, and it helps if that nudge is compassionate. Like if you were talking to a pet or a child who was balking at something you knew they would really be happier to do. Yep, I know the bed is all nice and cozy, but hey, I don't want to miss that meeting! There'll be coffee downstairs, hmmm?
posted by Lady Li at 7:07 PM on December 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
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The way different "friends" reacted to that was very telling. Some of them dropped me like a hot potato, because I was no longer partaking in the destructive behaviors we had previously bonded over. Some I could tell were kind of phoning in their support but didn't really ever follow up on anything in my life. But lots of others genuinely cared and celebrated with me, respecting my boundaries to not share every detail with them while also being glad that I was doing better. Those are the people I focused on keeping in my life and sharing my authentic self with.
I'd say it's been about a year and half since my lowest low and MAN does it make a difference to be surrounded by people who I know truly care about me. And I can't overstate how hard it was to take that first step of reaching out to people when I felt like retreating into my own head and when I was having major major trust issues with people at large. I do know what you mean about not trusting the good, I really get that. But I think the only way out of that mindset is through. At some point you have to be willing to let go of that mindset to make way for the possibility that some things can be mostly good, most of the time, like authentic friendships with kind people who have your back.
By the way, super proud of you for doing the work and not giving up. You're the only person who alone knows how hard that was but YOU DID IT and that is something to be incredibly proud of.
TL;DR: Books and logic never really got through to me on my healing journey. Good people did. I wish you the very best in finding and keeping your people!
posted by seemoorglass at 6:04 PM on December 7, 2020 [6 favorites]