Three dates and a 'breakup'
November 30, 2020 7:34 PM Subscribe
How to navigate early dating as an anxious person?
Today a person I have been dating for a month told me she started seeing someone else and that there was something there she thought she wanted to pursue. She would also like to keep seeing me, though, but told me 'not to have any expectations'.
I know this happens all the time, but I feel dejected. I had such high hopes and thought (and can't help to still think) that there's real potential there. When a different budding relationship ended half a year ago, it also affected me more badly than it should have. In both cases, it's like I'm mourning the break-up of a relationship that was only potentially there. I know I have a tendency to go 'all in' really soon. Not so much outwardly, but rather in terms of my expectations; inwardly, I'm always ten steps ahead. For example, I told most of my friends about her (which feels so foolish now) whereas she herself seemed surprised to hear I was as into her as I am (I only made that explicit after she broke the news).
I know there's trauma talking here. Four years ago, a relationship of fourteen years ended - my entire adult life at that point. I know that deep down I crave the safety of that (kind of) bond. You'd expect that that experience would help me in building something real with another person. But it has proven to be a burden, in the sense that I project all these expectations on people in the early stages of dating; they feel crippling and debilitating while the dating lasts (often making me too anxious to make a move and making it hard to interpret theirs correctly), and make me spiral into very dark places after the fact. My work suffers, my friendships suffer and frankly, I suffer.
Is dating as an anxious person necessarily this... disruptive? What, if anything, can I do to get better at managing (i) the dynamics of early , not-necessarily-exclusive dating and (ii) the inevitable string of disappointments? (And also, should I keep seeing her, or just remove myself from the situation? I don't won't to let this go but also fear getting hurt even more...)
Today a person I have been dating for a month told me she started seeing someone else and that there was something there she thought she wanted to pursue. She would also like to keep seeing me, though, but told me 'not to have any expectations'.
I know this happens all the time, but I feel dejected. I had such high hopes and thought (and can't help to still think) that there's real potential there. When a different budding relationship ended half a year ago, it also affected me more badly than it should have. In both cases, it's like I'm mourning the break-up of a relationship that was only potentially there. I know I have a tendency to go 'all in' really soon. Not so much outwardly, but rather in terms of my expectations; inwardly, I'm always ten steps ahead. For example, I told most of my friends about her (which feels so foolish now) whereas she herself seemed surprised to hear I was as into her as I am (I only made that explicit after she broke the news).
I know there's trauma talking here. Four years ago, a relationship of fourteen years ended - my entire adult life at that point. I know that deep down I crave the safety of that (kind of) bond. You'd expect that that experience would help me in building something real with another person. But it has proven to be a burden, in the sense that I project all these expectations on people in the early stages of dating; they feel crippling and debilitating while the dating lasts (often making me too anxious to make a move and making it hard to interpret theirs correctly), and make me spiral into very dark places after the fact. My work suffers, my friendships suffer and frankly, I suffer.
Is dating as an anxious person necessarily this... disruptive? What, if anything, can I do to get better at managing (i) the dynamics of early , not-necessarily-exclusive dating and (ii) the inevitable string of disappointments? (And also, should I keep seeing her, or just remove myself from the situation? I don't won't to let this go but also fear getting hurt even more...)
part of being really anxious is you can inadvertently assume that everyone else you interact with is doing things correctly, just because they don't seem as anxious as you. You invested too much too soon; you didn't let her know how much you liked her until "too late" (not necessarily too late, and that probably had nothing to do with her decision, but still). ok, that could be considered an error; one that hurts only you.
but meanwhile, here's this other person who is probably trying to be above-board and very honest, but is so clumsy about it it hurts to read -- sure, you can date multiple strangers and see where it goes; sure, you should tell them that after the first date, and you should break things off when you see things going nowhere or you pick another person to focus on. but to tell you that she met someone she wants to go after seriously but still wants to keep seeing you too for, what, no-thrills aimless fun? that is so inept and uselessly cruel (and also something an anxious person could easily over-explain without meaning it cruelly.) you don't compare the people you're dating to the people you're dating! not if you want to keep dating both of them!
If she is clearly saying she wants to keep dating you in this no-expectations way, you might give it a shot as a way to consciously train yourself in how to be casual and courteous with someone who you honestly barely know and who is, to give her due credit, clear about not being serious about you (as nobody should be, this early). if that is something you truly want to learn to do, to manage your emotions in that way, you could try. see if you can get over the immediate crush enough to build an actual acquaintance. IF you think that would be good for you with this particular person. it might not be.
however, if she is not saying she wants to keep dating you --if she is actually saying some kind of let's-still-be-friends line, sincerely or not -- if she means "no expectations" in the sense of "just hanging out, no kissing," rather than "dating casually" -- you should not take her up on it, either because she is communicating it so badly or because you are hearing it so inaccurately. impossible for third parties to tell which it might be.
so I guess, keep in mind that there are a lot of ways to make bad and embarrassing social blunders when dating strangers and that your way is far from the worst way.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:06 PM on November 30, 2020 [14 favorites]
but meanwhile, here's this other person who is probably trying to be above-board and very honest, but is so clumsy about it it hurts to read -- sure, you can date multiple strangers and see where it goes; sure, you should tell them that after the first date, and you should break things off when you see things going nowhere or you pick another person to focus on. but to tell you that she met someone she wants to go after seriously but still wants to keep seeing you too for, what, no-thrills aimless fun? that is so inept and uselessly cruel (and also something an anxious person could easily over-explain without meaning it cruelly.) you don't compare the people you're dating to the people you're dating! not if you want to keep dating both of them!
If she is clearly saying she wants to keep dating you in this no-expectations way, you might give it a shot as a way to consciously train yourself in how to be casual and courteous with someone who you honestly barely know and who is, to give her due credit, clear about not being serious about you (as nobody should be, this early). if that is something you truly want to learn to do, to manage your emotions in that way, you could try. see if you can get over the immediate crush enough to build an actual acquaintance. IF you think that would be good for you with this particular person. it might not be.
however, if she is not saying she wants to keep dating you --if she is actually saying some kind of let's-still-be-friends line, sincerely or not -- if she means "no expectations" in the sense of "just hanging out, no kissing," rather than "dating casually" -- you should not take her up on it, either because she is communicating it so badly or because you are hearing it so inaccurately. impossible for third parties to tell which it might be.
so I guess, keep in mind that there are a lot of ways to make bad and embarrassing social blunders when dating strangers and that your way is far from the worst way.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:06 PM on November 30, 2020 [14 favorites]
As an anxious person at some point I stopped doing super casual dating. I put in my dating profile that I was looking for a committed relationship and only dated people who were basically looking for the same. There were a lot less hurt feelings this way, and fully weeded our people just looking for sex. Date success really came down to chemistry and mutual attraction and having a good time, no grey areas about wanting different things.
I would probably not want to date someone who was not clear about what they wanted or who was dating me but was actually really interested in another person. It just feels so much better to date people who very enthusiastically want to date you, without a lot of caveats. I would hold out for the person who is not surprised by how into them you are, because they’re equally into you.
posted by unstrungharp at 8:42 PM on November 30, 2020 [14 favorites]
I would probably not want to date someone who was not clear about what they wanted or who was dating me but was actually really interested in another person. It just feels so much better to date people who very enthusiastically want to date you, without a lot of caveats. I would hold out for the person who is not surprised by how into them you are, because they’re equally into you.
posted by unstrungharp at 8:42 PM on November 30, 2020 [14 favorites]
Should you keep seeing her? Yes.
I’m thinking that her saying that she’s not exclusive and for you to cool your expectations is a way of asking you to ease up a bit. Why? Until people have the exclusivity talk, I would say it’s just assumed that everyone is non-exclusive, and there’s no reason to go into that. In bringing it up early on (and I’d say the exclusivity talk might be a bit advanced at the one month mark), it’s to reset your pace to something closer to hers. She might also be laying the groundwork for a dump, or creating circumstances where she doesn’t have to dump, but you remove yourself.
This is not a great sign, but it’s not fatal, either. See if you can cool your expectations down a bit, and you two might align. Play it cool, and see where it goes — there’s no sense in creating the worst case scenario for yourself when it doesn’t exist yet.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:44 PM on November 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’m thinking that her saying that she’s not exclusive and for you to cool your expectations is a way of asking you to ease up a bit. Why? Until people have the exclusivity talk, I would say it’s just assumed that everyone is non-exclusive, and there’s no reason to go into that. In bringing it up early on (and I’d say the exclusivity talk might be a bit advanced at the one month mark), it’s to reset your pace to something closer to hers. She might also be laying the groundwork for a dump, or creating circumstances where she doesn’t have to dump, but you remove yourself.
This is not a great sign, but it’s not fatal, either. See if you can cool your expectations down a bit, and you two might align. Play it cool, and see where it goes — there’s no sense in creating the worst case scenario for yourself when it doesn’t exist yet.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:44 PM on November 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you want commitment. She does not want commitment. If you continue to date her and a part of you still wants commitment from her, yes. You will almost certainly get hurt more.
posted by aniola at 10:16 PM on November 30, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by aniola at 10:16 PM on November 30, 2020 [6 favorites]
I second unstrungharp. You want to be all in soon and dating with "no expectations" is just not fun for some of us. I wouldn't bother to see her any more since she's made it clear that you're second string at best and that's not what you want.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:25 PM on November 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:25 PM on November 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
1) Find someone who exhibits proactive enthusiasm!
2) I don't think it's abnormal to think or daydream about where a new connection might be headed, you're not weird in that sense, 14 year relationship or no. You just are someone who wants a relationship generally and has human emotions. Do yourself the favor of realizing that you probably can't stop your brain from imagining the possibilities. You still have the rational part of you that wrote this question and knows that 3 dates does not a serious relationship make. It's okay to feel sad if something that you wanted to work out doesn't work out. Eat a pint of ice cream or whatever makes you feel better, take a break and a breath, and get out there and (to the extent advised in a pandemic) try to meet more people. You're normal.
posted by knownfossils at 12:02 AM on December 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
2) I don't think it's abnormal to think or daydream about where a new connection might be headed, you're not weird in that sense, 14 year relationship or no. You just are someone who wants a relationship generally and has human emotions. Do yourself the favor of realizing that you probably can't stop your brain from imagining the possibilities. You still have the rational part of you that wrote this question and knows that 3 dates does not a serious relationship make. It's okay to feel sad if something that you wanted to work out doesn't work out. Eat a pint of ice cream or whatever makes you feel better, take a break and a breath, and get out there and (to the extent advised in a pandemic) try to meet more people. You're normal.
posted by knownfossils at 12:02 AM on December 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
People either want to be with you, or they don't.
No middle ground. No 'I'm not sure, let's see…'. No bargaining. No hoping that maybe somewhere down the line they might want to be with you. No thinking that that look or that word meant that maybe…
People either want to be with you, or they don't.
Look for the ones that do.
posted by signal at 6:13 AM on December 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
No middle ground. No 'I'm not sure, let's see…'. No bargaining. No hoping that maybe somewhere down the line they might want to be with you. No thinking that that look or that word meant that maybe…
People either want to be with you, or they don't.
Look for the ones that do.
posted by signal at 6:13 AM on December 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Dating is so hard. You just want [fill in the blank, e.g. attention, to be liked/loved, to be around this cool person all the time, commitment] so badly and now that there’s a something with a cool person, you get really excited and happy and think “this could be it!” But the truth is, you never really know until that trust is built and that takes time (maybe a couple of months, at least?) and getting to know the person and a few honest conversations.
I can’t really comment on the experiences of dating as an anxious person. All I can say is, keep yourself grounded at all times, have and value your own life (e.g. while you’re not interacting with the person, you are engaged with your own friends, activities, hobbies, interests etc.) and always keep in mind that you still have a lot to learn about them. You both are are still getting used to each other, getting to know each other, and it isn’t an exclusive relationship until you mutually decide it is. I would also always assume that the other person is seeing others as well. Maybe that’s an uncomfortable thing to get used to, but you can ask within the 2nd or 3rd date if they’re seeing anyone else and see how you feel about it if the answer is yes. Note that if it’s no, they could also start seeing someone while they’re still seeing you.
It's is easy to build up a lot of expectations if they’re really cool and you’re lonely and looking for commitment. But you have to take the time to see if they're really right for you, and you for them. You also have to see them as their own person who might not have the same desires/wants/needs as you. So it takes time to build that trust and intimacy and get on the same page. If you’re really into them early on, you can tell them, and avoid their surprise that you are very much into them. Yes, this means being vulnerable and possibly being rejected, but at least you were honest and there’s value in that.
Also, it’s totally ok to tell your friends about someone and gush and be excited about them. They’re your friends! Just know that that doesn’t mean you then have some obligation to tell them next you’re committed and serious, it just means you were excited when you told them. It’s ok for that to change.
Anyway, it’s great that you realize that trauma is at play here. I agree. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, you might want to – and find someone who is knowledgeable about trauma.
And no, do not keep seeing her. She’s basically keeping you as a backup as she pursues this other person, and please, do not accept that. That says a lot about her as a person, that she thought she could treat you this way.
Dating is really, really hard. Please go easy on yourself! Also, drnerdlove.com might be a really good resource for you.
posted by foxjacket at 8:42 AM on December 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I can’t really comment on the experiences of dating as an anxious person. All I can say is, keep yourself grounded at all times, have and value your own life (e.g. while you’re not interacting with the person, you are engaged with your own friends, activities, hobbies, interests etc.) and always keep in mind that you still have a lot to learn about them. You both are are still getting used to each other, getting to know each other, and it isn’t an exclusive relationship until you mutually decide it is. I would also always assume that the other person is seeing others as well. Maybe that’s an uncomfortable thing to get used to, but you can ask within the 2nd or 3rd date if they’re seeing anyone else and see how you feel about it if the answer is yes. Note that if it’s no, they could also start seeing someone while they’re still seeing you.
It's is easy to build up a lot of expectations if they’re really cool and you’re lonely and looking for commitment. But you have to take the time to see if they're really right for you, and you for them. You also have to see them as their own person who might not have the same desires/wants/needs as you. So it takes time to build that trust and intimacy and get on the same page. If you’re really into them early on, you can tell them, and avoid their surprise that you are very much into them. Yes, this means being vulnerable and possibly being rejected, but at least you were honest and there’s value in that.
Also, it’s totally ok to tell your friends about someone and gush and be excited about them. They’re your friends! Just know that that doesn’t mean you then have some obligation to tell them next you’re committed and serious, it just means you were excited when you told them. It’s ok for that to change.
Anyway, it’s great that you realize that trauma is at play here. I agree. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, you might want to – and find someone who is knowledgeable about trauma.
And no, do not keep seeing her. She’s basically keeping you as a backup as she pursues this other person, and please, do not accept that. That says a lot about her as a person, that she thought she could treat you this way.
Dating is really, really hard. Please go easy on yourself! Also, drnerdlove.com might be a really good resource for you.
posted by foxjacket at 8:42 AM on December 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
This may not be true for everyone, but I find that if I try to hold back from getting excited about new relationships, it kinda dooms them... I avoid putting enough energy into them for them to develop in cool ways. So I don't recommend that. For me, improving my resilience in the face of disappointment is a better path, but it IS really difficult and it still takes me time to recover when my hopes are dashed. I see that as the cost of being a sensitive person trying to build new relationships, alas.
From what you've written, by the way, I wouldn't see this experience as a rejection. Most people dating online talk to multiple people simultaneously, and sometimes we meet more than one who's cool at about the same time.
posted by metasarah at 9:54 AM on December 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
From what you've written, by the way, I wouldn't see this experience as a rejection. Most people dating online talk to multiple people simultaneously, and sometimes we meet more than one who's cool at about the same time.
posted by metasarah at 9:54 AM on December 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: To speak specifically to the question of whether you should keep dating this person: no. It sounds like she is telling you (annoyingly indirectly) that she is interested in someone else. She said "there's something there she wanted to pursue". You don't need to wait around for her to do that, she may be thinking she's doing you a favor, but she's not. If you all have a real connection, it can be rekindled in the future after she does her walkabout.
To the larger question of dating while anxious.... ugh. One thing to do is remember that not all relationships can or should end up in the same place. The inevitable string of disappointments doesn't have to be disappointing, if you assume many of the points along the string are not intended to be long-term.
posted by RajahKing at 11:06 AM on December 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
To the larger question of dating while anxious.... ugh. One thing to do is remember that not all relationships can or should end up in the same place. The inevitable string of disappointments doesn't have to be disappointing, if you assume many of the points along the string are not intended to be long-term.
posted by RajahKing at 11:06 AM on December 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't keep dating someone who told me not to have any expectations. In the most charitable interpretation, it means, "I don't mind seeing you once in a while, but I've crossed you off the possible-relationship list."
posted by wryly at 12:27 PM on December 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by wryly at 12:27 PM on December 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I certainly wouldn't bother to date someone who was this iffy about dating me. I don't think there is anything wrong with liking people a lot after the first date and wanting them to feel the same way about you. I don't think you have to put yourself through this at all, if it makes you uncomfortable - it would certainly make me uncomfortable.
I agree with others that it sounds like this person is trying to be open, honest and 'mature', but they have done a clumsy job of it. My opinion is that you actively look for people who want the same thing as you - there are plenty of people who get excited about people on a first date and tell all their friends about them! I was exactly like that will my now-husband.
posted by thereader at 2:03 PM on December 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree with others that it sounds like this person is trying to be open, honest and 'mature', but they have done a clumsy job of it. My opinion is that you actively look for people who want the same thing as you - there are plenty of people who get excited about people on a first date and tell all their friends about them! I was exactly like that will my now-husband.
posted by thereader at 2:03 PM on December 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh, friend. I have been there. Some of us attach quickly and hard. That’s okay, but we have to know ourselves, and know not to walk too far down a path with someone when it won’t lead where we want. That’s where you are at with this woman now, so it’s time to move on.
I’m hearing a lot of shame and self-judgment, about how you should feel. Try not to be so hard on yourself even though this is hard. Sometimes the hardest relationships to get over are the short ones that seemed to have so much potential but end well before we could explore that. I’ve dated quite a bit the past few years and had some fun and some heartbreaks. The relationship that was the hardest to get over was a guy I saw only three times over a month. He was traveling a bunch and we sent each other quick little videos just about every single day after our second date. He certainly was right there with me in terms of interest, sending lots of signals. On our last date he said he knew he could fall in love with me easily. Then a week later he started ghosting me. It was so confusing. I finally ended it after a bit because I knew I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t excited about me. But the whole thing haunted me for months, way longer than I had known him. Sometimes people get under our skin like that.
That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Try to let it serve as a reminder that you can love and can feel a connection with someone.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:07 AM on December 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’m hearing a lot of shame and self-judgment, about how you should feel. Try not to be so hard on yourself even though this is hard. Sometimes the hardest relationships to get over are the short ones that seemed to have so much potential but end well before we could explore that. I’ve dated quite a bit the past few years and had some fun and some heartbreaks. The relationship that was the hardest to get over was a guy I saw only three times over a month. He was traveling a bunch and we sent each other quick little videos just about every single day after our second date. He certainly was right there with me in terms of interest, sending lots of signals. On our last date he said he knew he could fall in love with me easily. Then a week later he started ghosting me. It was so confusing. I finally ended it after a bit because I knew I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t excited about me. But the whole thing haunted me for months, way longer than I had known him. Sometimes people get under our skin like that.
That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Try to let it serve as a reminder that you can love and can feel a connection with someone.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:07 AM on December 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
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I would actually keep seeing her. You clearly like her and now she knows it and is still open to dating so why not see how things go?
posted by Jubey at 7:45 PM on November 30, 2020 [2 favorites]