We cannot come get your pie
November 26, 2020 12:30 PM Subscribe
Is this weird or not weird? Mother-in-law behavior.
It’s Wednesday and my spouse and children have plans to eat Thanksgiving with my parents this evening since we will be celebrating with my in-laws on Thursday.
Today at 4:30 pm my MIL calls my husband and states that she has just made him a cherry pie and he can come pick it up if he wishes.
I tell my husband that it’s weird since we will be seeing them tomorrow and we are going to my parents tonight to feast and eat pecan and pumpkin pie.
I am assigned to bring a vegetable and a dessert tomorrow. MIL always makes pecan pies. It will only be six of us. Tomorrow we will have pecan, cherry, and my dessert — which is fine — the more to choose from. I only think it’s odd as hell that she called and told him that she made him a pie and to come get it when we will be there tomorrow.
We all live in same town and she has made him cherry pies before since they are his favorite. Still, to call him when we have plans that she knows about? I think it’s weird. My husband does not.
Is it weird?
It’s Wednesday and my spouse and children have plans to eat Thanksgiving with my parents this evening since we will be celebrating with my in-laws on Thursday.
Today at 4:30 pm my MIL calls my husband and states that she has just made him a cherry pie and he can come pick it up if he wishes.
I tell my husband that it’s weird since we will be seeing them tomorrow and we are going to my parents tonight to feast and eat pecan and pumpkin pie.
I am assigned to bring a vegetable and a dessert tomorrow. MIL always makes pecan pies. It will only be six of us. Tomorrow we will have pecan, cherry, and my dessert — which is fine — the more to choose from. I only think it’s odd as hell that she called and told him that she made him a pie and to come get it when we will be there tomorrow.
We all live in same town and she has made him cherry pies before since they are his favorite. Still, to call him when we have plans that she knows about? I think it’s weird. My husband does not.
Is it weird?
There are two innocent explanations here -
1. She got ambitious and made a pie and she got excited about it and called to let him know he can have it if he wants.
2. She just plain forgot that you had something going on.
Either way, she left it as "you can come and get it if you want," and your husband can simply just decide he doesn't want to get it ("whoops, sorry Mom, we just got too busy"). Problem solved.
Don't sweat it. Just enjoy the fact that someone made you guys an extra pie. Whether you eat it on Thanksgiving or whether you take it home for later, that's your call.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on November 26, 2020 [23 favorites]
1. She got ambitious and made a pie and she got excited about it and called to let him know he can have it if he wants.
2. She just plain forgot that you had something going on.
Either way, she left it as "you can come and get it if you want," and your husband can simply just decide he doesn't want to get it ("whoops, sorry Mom, we just got too busy"). Problem solved.
Don't sweat it. Just enjoy the fact that someone made you guys an extra pie. Whether you eat it on Thanksgiving or whether you take it home for later, that's your call.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on November 26, 2020 [23 favorites]
Not weird. It's his favorite, she made him one (or an extra, I couldn't really keep track), and since you're all in the same town he can swing by and grab an extra pie. I don't think she's trying to sabotage your dinner with your parents or anything.
It's easy to fall into a "who makes which food when and for whom" trap around the holidays but it's better to just be flexible.
posted by kimberussell at 12:46 PM on November 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
It's easy to fall into a "who makes which food when and for whom" trap around the holidays but it's better to just be flexible.
posted by kimberussell at 12:46 PM on November 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
I think it's a little odd, and if it's one of a number of things that she does that are a little odd and intrusive then in your shoes I would want my husband not to go and get it right now. If it's unusual and odd, I would just chalk it up to one of those things and let it go. Either way, if the pie is good I would eat some of it.
posted by plonkee at 12:48 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 12:48 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
She is being nice and offering you a cherry pie for your other Thanksgiving.
Don’t worry about it, just eat the pie.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:53 PM on November 26, 2020 [31 favorites]
Don’t worry about it, just eat the pie.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:53 PM on November 26, 2020 [31 favorites]
My dad's favorite pie is pecan pie. When family is together and my mom is making pecan pie, she always makes two. One for the family to eat on the holiday, one for my dad to eat on his own. There's always an elaborate hide the pie ballet so it doesn't get devoured by the locusts. We have a small family, too. My mom just wants to make sure my dad gets all of the favorite pie he wants without my uncle's bottomless maw butting in.
tl;dr it's just pie, holidays are stressful, this year especially
posted by phunniemee at 12:57 PM on November 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
tl;dr it's just pie, holidays are stressful, this year especially
posted by phunniemee at 12:57 PM on November 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
I've been the extra-pie maker and honestly it's no big whether you take it or not - generous is usually generous. Someone is gonna eat that food.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 12:59 PM on November 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Dressed to Kill at 12:59 PM on November 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
It's a little weird, but I think the proper response is "Oh nice, we'll come get it when we see you tomorrow" If your husband is entertaining thoughts of getting it today, that is weird. If the two families have had rivalries in the past and you think she's trying to horn in on your plans today, that's weird, but otherwise, eh, moms tend to be weird in general and this is no MORE weird, to me, than usual mom stuff.
posted by jessamyn at 1:22 PM on November 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn at 1:22 PM on November 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yeah, definitely some jealousy of you going on there -- but look at it this way: she could find much more destructive ways of expressing that without looking too hard.
posted by jamjam at 1:24 PM on November 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 1:24 PM on November 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
My wife ended up with enough pie crust to make a third pie this year. She offered to make me a cherry pie, even though she hates cherries. So I get a whole pie for myself.
I bet your MiL had extra crust and didn’t want it to go to waste.
posted by jazon at 1:25 PM on November 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
I bet your MiL had extra crust and didn’t want it to go to waste.
posted by jazon at 1:25 PM on November 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
Did she make it for dinner on Thanksgiving Day or for you to have on Wednesday with your parents? I would assume that it's a friendly gesture and not focus on it.
I'm very lucky to have a close relationship with my mother-in-law, but there have definitely been moments when I could choose to be angry about her petty behavior or to look the other way and remember that she's lovely 99% of the time. (I imagine she would say the same thing about me.) Family dynamics are complicated, and I try to think about how I'll feel one day as the old mother-in-law.
If she isn't normally intrusive but can sometimes get jealous around the holidays, I vote to let it go. Or maybe she made the pie for you to enjoy with your family!
posted by defreckled at 2:14 PM on November 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I'm very lucky to have a close relationship with my mother-in-law, but there have definitely been moments when I could choose to be angry about her petty behavior or to look the other way and remember that she's lovely 99% of the time. (I imagine she would say the same thing about me.) Family dynamics are complicated, and I try to think about how I'll feel one day as the old mother-in-law.
If she isn't normally intrusive but can sometimes get jealous around the holidays, I vote to let it go. Or maybe she made the pie for you to enjoy with your family!
posted by defreckled at 2:14 PM on November 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I don't think so. You know her so you'll know if it's a passive aggressive "we can have pie and fun too" dig. Maybe she feels neglected and to offset the loneliness she wants to see at least someone on the day? Otherwise your man can always say "I love you but we can't be there on that day. We'll be there the day after".
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 2:25 PM on November 26, 2020
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 2:25 PM on November 26, 2020
It doesn't seem odd or not odd; who knows why she called regarding cherry pie? Not something malicious for heaven's sake. The questions says more about you and your opinion of your MIL than her.
posted by mulcahy at 2:28 PM on November 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by mulcahy at 2:28 PM on November 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
Since this question was about Wednesday pie and it's Thursday now, there's probably not much we can change about how you handled this, but you can still reframe how you think about it.
Alternative 1: Your mother-in-law loves you and your family and wants to send something as an offering of love. She knows your husband loves cherry pie so and that it wouldn't already be on the menu, so she chose that.
Alternative 412: Your mother-in-law hates you and is angry that you are having dinner with your family even though it is not the actual holiday and is seeking to insert herself into your family celebration by insinuating that if you won't provide for her dear baby boy's favourite pie, she will.
Alternatives 2-411: Somewhere in between.
Only you know if jealousy and pettiness are part of your MIL's usual MO. If they aren't, make the loving (for both her and you) choice and interpret this much closer to Alternative 1. If jealousy and pettiness ARE part of your MIL's usual MO, then maybe the interpretation lies somewhere on the spectrum toward Alternative 412.
In either case, you weren't obligated to go get the pie if it would have caused you major scheduling headaches. Nor would you be obligated to serve it your family dinner if you did pick it up.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:43 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Alternative 1: Your mother-in-law loves you and your family and wants to send something as an offering of love. She knows your husband loves cherry pie so and that it wouldn't already be on the menu, so she chose that.
Alternative 412: Your mother-in-law hates you and is angry that you are having dinner with your family even though it is not the actual holiday and is seeking to insert herself into your family celebration by insinuating that if you won't provide for her dear baby boy's favourite pie, she will.
Alternatives 2-411: Somewhere in between.
Only you know if jealousy and pettiness are part of your MIL's usual MO. If they aren't, make the loving (for both her and you) choice and interpret this much closer to Alternative 1. If jealousy and pettiness ARE part of your MIL's usual MO, then maybe the interpretation lies somewhere on the spectrum toward Alternative 412.
In either case, you weren't obligated to go get the pie if it would have caused you major scheduling headaches. Nor would you be obligated to serve it your family dinner if you did pick it up.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:43 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Based on the info provided so far: It's not weird. She made him his favourite pie and is giving him the option to pick it up.
--
Unless:
Is it expected that you would eat the cherry pie together on Thursday? If so, I suppose it is a little odd because he would pick it up but then not be able to eat it. But maybe she doesn't have much room to store the pie. In which case it would be preferable for her to be more clear. ("I made your favourite pie for you, but unfortunately I have no room to store it. Can you please keep it in your fridge and bring it on Thursday?")
If he's free to eat the pie whenever, then she's just giving him the option to enjoy the pie as soon as he can. Who knows, maybe he will wake up in the middle of the night and enjoy a slice. She's just trying to show her love through pie.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:46 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
--
Unless:
Is it expected that you would eat the cherry pie together on Thursday? If so, I suppose it is a little odd because he would pick it up but then not be able to eat it. But maybe she doesn't have much room to store the pie. In which case it would be preferable for her to be more clear. ("I made your favourite pie for you, but unfortunately I have no room to store it. Can you please keep it in your fridge and bring it on Thursday?")
If he's free to eat the pie whenever, then she's just giving him the option to enjoy the pie as soon as he can. Who knows, maybe he will wake up in the middle of the night and enjoy a slice. She's just trying to show her love through pie.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:46 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Not knowing any of the people involved, I would think she wanted your husband to know he could come pick up the cherry pie on Weds if he wanted to bring it to your family’s Thanksgiving as a hostess gift. I think that’s sweet and not weird at all?
I get that you’re possessive of your family celebration and don’t really want her pie (or her) involved in it, and that is fair enough — but I think her offering to contribute a pie is actually most likely a friendly gesture toward you/your family.
Anyhow, no, not weird in my book.
posted by rue72 at 3:35 PM on November 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
I get that you’re possessive of your family celebration and don’t really want her pie (or her) involved in it, and that is fair enough — but I think her offering to contribute a pie is actually most likely a friendly gesture toward you/your family.
Anyhow, no, not weird in my book.
posted by rue72 at 3:35 PM on November 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
She wants an excuse to talk to him about something? She wants to steal the thunder of you your family's event? In any case, cherry pie = worth the trip, unless he doesn't have time.
posted by theora55 at 3:48 PM on November 26, 2020
posted by theora55 at 3:48 PM on November 26, 2020
Agreeing with the chorus of "not weird" responses, but it's so not weird that am wondering if her past behavior is coloring your reaction here. Has she historically been prone to doing things that feel like a violation of your boundaries? The fact that you found it odd or off-putting enough to ask about here has me curious about the backstory.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:45 PM on November 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:45 PM on November 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
Another explanation:
There's something very special about a fresh just-out-of-the-oven made-from-scratch pie that some people are super excited about. I grew up with store-bought pies and would not have understood until much later what magic therein lies. If your husband & MIL are fresh pie aficionados of the first order, that might be a factor.
posted by dum spiro spero at 5:53 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
There's something very special about a fresh just-out-of-the-oven made-from-scratch pie that some people are super excited about. I grew up with store-bought pies and would not have understood until much later what magic therein lies. If your husband & MIL are fresh pie aficionados of the first order, that might be a factor.
posted by dum spiro spero at 5:53 PM on November 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Too much pie? That’s a great problem to have! Don’t overthink it, just say thank you and enjoy.
posted by Jubey at 2:42 AM on November 27, 2020
posted by Jubey at 2:42 AM on November 27, 2020
Depends on how far she lives. 15 minutes? Not weird. 15 hours? Weird.
posted by signal at 6:06 AM on November 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by signal at 6:06 AM on November 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
Context is everything here - this is the kind of thing my grandmothers did to passive-aggressively compete for family attention, and they would bring it up later if we didn’t get the pie (implying or stating that we didn’t get it because my mom hates them, which is why it might be fraught for OP more than their husband). In any case, the right thing to do is still act like the best motivations are in play here and perhaps have a ready plan for setting your own boundaries and getting the downtime you need.
posted by momus_window at 8:28 AM on November 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 8:28 AM on November 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
If this happened to me, I'd be very irritated that my husband felt he needed to drop everything and pick up the pie. Maybe he doesn't think it was weird because he's used to doing what his mother wants, even if it's not right for him.
posted by wryly at 9:37 AM on November 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by wryly at 9:37 AM on November 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
This could easily be either a MIL who just wants to share an extra pie, or one who wants to insert herself into the mix even though (or because!) she knows it’s unwelcome. But I think what we know is pretty equally consistent with both scenarios, just depends on all the context we are not privy to. But to credit the OP, if they’re asking about it, and they think it’s weird, seems very plausible that missing context would make an average person think it’s weird, too.
posted by skewed at 1:58 PM on November 27, 2020
posted by skewed at 1:58 PM on November 27, 2020
It’s weird.
I’m so glad most of MeFi appears to have genuine non-passive aggressive mother in laws! Wonderful for them. Those of us who don’t...well, let’s just say there’s an absolute art to mother-in-law passive aggressiveness that is intentionally disguised as “genuine concern and kindness.” “Oh, Susie, you look so tired.” (Classic.) “Oh, Susie I’m just so proud of you and I think you’re just doing such a good job. It’s so stressful when you work full time and so hard to keep up with the kids and house.” (Lolllll) So nice and kind, right?
The responses here like “It’s nice, take it at face value” are exactly the responses the passive aggressive MIL banks on. Do I know with 100% certainty your mother in law is the classic passive aggressive type? Okay, no, but I also know people here don’t know with 100% certainty she’s totally sweet and innocent and kind either. With mother in laws I think it’s unwise to rule out passive aggressiveness and I think your instincts are worth paying attention to.
I think it’s weird that she made his favorite pie and only spoke to him about it. She didn’t say you could both enjoy the pie. She didn’t say you could bring it as a hostess gift. She didn’t mention you or your family at all, which is a strange omission assuming she knows of your plans. It’s almost like she worries her son won’t have his favorite pie at your parents’ and she needs to step in and make it right. That’s...maybe nice to him, ish, the specially if he’s actually said something like “oh mom, Thanksgiving at my in laws is never as good because they don’t have your cherry pie” or whatever, but I do think it comes across as somewhat rude to your parents and by extension you, especially considering he just had to wait one dang day for his cherry pie. It’s very...”no one else knows my boy and I have to take care of my boy and he has to suffer his in laws Thanksgiving poor him” kind of a thing.
Certainly if there is any previous expression on your mother in law’s part of:
-jealousy towards your parents
-negative comments about their cooking/menu or your cooking/menu
-a history of ignoring you and only addressing your husband and only considering his preferences
-a history of babying your husband (IE doing his laundry, whatever) into adulthood
-a tone of “only I know my boy’s preferences the best”
...I would be much more suspicious of this innocent gesture.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:44 PM on November 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’m so glad most of MeFi appears to have genuine non-passive aggressive mother in laws! Wonderful for them. Those of us who don’t...well, let’s just say there’s an absolute art to mother-in-law passive aggressiveness that is intentionally disguised as “genuine concern and kindness.” “Oh, Susie, you look so tired.” (Classic.) “Oh, Susie I’m just so proud of you and I think you’re just doing such a good job. It’s so stressful when you work full time and so hard to keep up with the kids and house.” (Lolllll) So nice and kind, right?
The responses here like “It’s nice, take it at face value” are exactly the responses the passive aggressive MIL banks on. Do I know with 100% certainty your mother in law is the classic passive aggressive type? Okay, no, but I also know people here don’t know with 100% certainty she’s totally sweet and innocent and kind either. With mother in laws I think it’s unwise to rule out passive aggressiveness and I think your instincts are worth paying attention to.
I think it’s weird that she made his favorite pie and only spoke to him about it. She didn’t say you could both enjoy the pie. She didn’t say you could bring it as a hostess gift. She didn’t mention you or your family at all, which is a strange omission assuming she knows of your plans. It’s almost like she worries her son won’t have his favorite pie at your parents’ and she needs to step in and make it right. That’s...maybe nice to him, ish, the specially if he’s actually said something like “oh mom, Thanksgiving at my in laws is never as good because they don’t have your cherry pie” or whatever, but I do think it comes across as somewhat rude to your parents and by extension you, especially considering he just had to wait one dang day for his cherry pie. It’s very...”no one else knows my boy and I have to take care of my boy and he has to suffer his in laws Thanksgiving poor him” kind of a thing.
Certainly if there is any previous expression on your mother in law’s part of:
-jealousy towards your parents
-negative comments about their cooking/menu or your cooking/menu
-a history of ignoring you and only addressing your husband and only considering his preferences
-a history of babying your husband (IE doing his laundry, whatever) into adulthood
-a tone of “only I know my boy’s preferences the best”
...I would be much more suspicious of this innocent gesture.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:44 PM on November 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
Was there any explanation when you saw her on Thursday?
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:11 PM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:11 PM on November 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
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