Friendship feeling uneven, need advice on how to balance it.
November 1, 2020 7:51 PM   Subscribe

I'm close friends with a person who, unintentionally most likely, crosses my boundaries with questions relating to my job with a major technology retailer. Resentment is starting to build. I'm a people pleaser, in therapy, and trying to figure out how to draw better boundaries with her. More details under the fold.

My friendship with "Darlene" is a bit complicated. We've been friends for 15 years; we met in college because she was having problems with her computer, and I was able to help her. I was in a vulnerable state during the time I met Darlene, because I wasn't accepted at the college socially, and felt lonely. Darlene was the only one who was nice to me, which made me feel comfortable with her.

Backstory
Over the years, Darlene has came to me with various needs for help, ranging from technology help to help with Zipcar (more than 10 years ago), and even homework help. At some points, there was friction and even falling-outs because I couldn't handle all of her needs for help...I like to think things has improved since then.

I do recognize in some ways, our friendship began and continue to be, in some ways, codependent, because I think she saw me as her "savior" when we initially met, and I felt the same at the time, 15 years ago. Our friendship has had plenty of hot and cold spells over the years, and her general dependence on me has waned greatly over the years from the initial point, for the most part.

I work at a major technology retailer, as a sales person, but I've done plenty of technology problem-solving in the past. Before I worked at this retailer, I helped her with some technology-related stuff, helping move her photos (90,000 of them...yes, no kidding) and that kind of thing. She had some issues in her personal life, including deaths of pets, so the photos project has gone on the back burner since then, but her cloud storage has been full repeatedly.

Outside of work hours, she has asked me to FaceTime her and asked me for help, asking me to explain various services my retailer/corporation offers, and asked me about the cloud service. Last year, on Thanksgiving, she asked me to help her with her computer, after dinner, at her home, and it ended up being a very complicated problem that I couldn't really help her with in a quick manner, and it ended up kind of a mess. I felt very on-the-spot being asked for help, especially at Thanksgiving.

The problems
I am done with this co-dependency. My initial co-dependency has gone away (seeing her as a friendship/social savior), and I think hers has also, except for seeing me as a role of "help". I want to draw better boundaries, to steer her away from me and to other resources for help. I want our friendship to be without that added complication and expectations.

Wrinkles
-She and I are Deaf. She feels comfortable reaching out to me probably because I can help her in ASL, which is a language she feels comfortable communicating in. Asking for help from hearing people is a challenge for her, because of writing and other communicative barriers.
-I don't want to hurt her feelings or come across as selfish, or inflexible. Prior to my current job, I would've been fine with helping, but now that my days pretty much consist of stuff with this company ~20-40 hours a week, I don't want to do much of that outside of work hours.
-I helped her with her photo project in 2014/2015; it's unfinished. I am worried she will want me to continue and help. My part is finished, but she will probably need continued help.
-She has gone through a lot in her life, with 3 dog deaths. I don't want to add to, or compound, to that. (Then again, it does kind of seem like she's always going through something... has been that way since I first met her. No judgment/snark, just saying it is what it is.)

What I want
-I want a compassionate, kind, yet firm script to say no, kindly, without ruffling her feathers.
-I don't want to appear selfish or uncaring.
-I want her to be able to understand my stance, and be willing to explore other ways to get help.
-I want to distangle from this, while preserving and keeping our friendship intact.

(Are those wants realistic? Maybe, maybe not.)

I do feel a burden, this "need" to help her. I recognize this is an issue of my people-pleaser tendency, and will pursue help in therapy for this (which I currently am in). While I do feel she genuinely cares, I still feel she takes me for granted, thinks I will help her at the drop of a hat, and sees me as "the help" or "that guy who will save my [current life crisis]". Intentional on her end? Definitely not, at least not what I can see.

Small example of the imbalance:
Recently, we agreed that she'd pick me up at my home, then we'd go to a spot to meet friends. My home pickup point was not at all out of the way; a very minor detour (I live right next to the highway). She said she was on her way. Enroute, before meeting me, she unexpectedly asked me to cashapp her $10 for gas, which was off-putting. Even if she didn't pick me up, she would have gone there anyway. While it's reasonable to ask for help with gas money (and I'm always happy to help), she didn't say ANYTHING until the last minute; literally as she was on the way to pick me up, and during the drive there, she thanked me, and said she was low on money. It rubbed me the wrong way; like, she's low on money, so she thought she'd turn to me for the gas money to "save" her? Making it my problem, kind of? And it wasn't even a long trip; we've gone on longer trips without her asking for a penny. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't know, but it just really rubbed me the wrong way, brought back some unpleasant triggers with money, and is adding/building to my resentment, in addition to all her asks for help.

Wrapping up
I want to fix things. For both myself/my sake, and for Darlene. I want to have a heart to heart talk, I want to "come clean" with my feelings; only I'm not sure how to. I'm afraid, I'm afraid of losing her, wary of hurting her feelings (she's very sensitive and can be a bit passive-aggressive at times), but I do feel this is eating at me, and would like perspectives or fresh ideas how I should repair this; supplementing this with help from my therapist when I breach this issue with. I want her to know it's not okay anymore to keep coming to me for help, but I need to do that with kindness and showing I still care about her. I need to do some examining if it's worth keeping the friendship, but I really do think it is worth keeping, because we do have some good times and she can be an amazing person. Again, I recognize some of the problems I'm having is due to my own hardship to communicate/stand up for myself effectively.

Thanks!
posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (10 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't have advice to offer for all of your wants, but as a technology professional that gets a lot of requests for assistance from everyone under the sun. Here are some suggestions for handling that.

If called/texted/emailed for assistance: deprioritize them. If it is a phone call that you don't want to leave going to message or they call about something else and move into tech support land then just say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I don't have time to help you with this right now. I think I will have time to help you on X date." Hold firm to that. There are no quick questions and someone in need of help isn't capable of assessing how much time or work something is going to take. If they need assistance on their schedule instead of yours? Then they should pay someone. If you make people wait they will often find someone else to fix it or fix it themselves because they don't want to wait that long and were being lazy/cheap and trying to use you.

If ambushed at a social function. "I'm sorry, I'm here to socialize/visit with you/enjoy dinner/whatever. I'm happy to help you with this some other time. Please send me an email about what you need help with and I'll figure out if it is something I can do for you. Right now I'd really like to get back to [social function.]"

Never work longer than 30 minutes on something as a favour/for free. Full stop. That is where I draw the line on favours for friends unless our relationship has a history of trading favours. If you start working and you can tell it is going to take longer than 30 minutes then you tell them, "Friend, it looks like this is going to be more involved than I thought. Probably at least [amount of time.] If you like I can refer you to somone that can do this for you you. Otherwise I think I can do it on [date], but you'll have to [buy me dinner/make me a sweater,/clean my house/other trade item]."

When doing a favour remind people what it would have cost if they had hired you. This is very easy for me because the organization I work for has hourly billing rates for when we bill out a project. I quote that rate to people, which is a fair amount more than if they used GeekSquad or whatever. You probably don't have that for your Sales position, but if your organization has a tech services team you could quote those prices. If not then just look up what a big box store charges for their setup/tech support services and quote those. Doing this reinforces the value of the work you are doing for free out of friendship.

To summarize:

- Never do the work on your friend's schedule. Your schedule or they pay someone else (if you want to do it at all.)
- Never give more than 30 minutes of your time for free/as a favour. (Good friends will always recognize your work and have offered an exchange for your help.)
- Always tell them how much it would have cost to hire a professional to do the work.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 8:56 PM on November 1, 2020 [27 favorites]


"Sure, but I can only help for 30 minutes. If it takes longer than that, you'll have to call the tech support line."
"Sure, but not tonight. Can we set a time later in the week?"
"No, I can't. Work has made me totally burned out on tech support. But maybe we can catch up later on non-tech stuff?"
"Shoot, I know I used to be able to help with that stuff, but doing it for work means I really need time away from it when I'm not working. Sorry I can't help with that! Maybe we can catch up later on non-tech stuff?"

I don't think you need a big heart-to-heart. You just need to figure out what your boundaries are, state them plainly and compassionately, and stick to them.
posted by lapis at 9:05 PM on November 1, 2020 [31 favorites]


Also you can change your mind or priorities or availability in the middle of something. If it's taking longer than you anticipated, or some other priority has come up, or it's just not working for you anymore, it's ok to say, "Hey, I know I said yes on this, but it's a bigger project than I anticipated and I can't finish it."
posted by lapis at 9:08 PM on November 1, 2020 [5 favorites]


At least from what you've written, I don't think you need to end or massively change your friendship. As others have said, now is a good time to establish boundaries, and to take into consideration how important the specifics are to each person. For instance, I imagine it would be quite difficult for her to find someone else who can explain technical problems via ASL, that's already hard enough to find without that extra complication! So your technical help is very valuable to her, and because you agree with her assessment of value and freely choose to give help this is unlikely to cause resentment.

But I highly doubt it was critical for her to get computer help specifically on Thanksgiving, that's just the time that was convenient for her. And to provide her with a small amount of convenience, you had to go through significant anxiety and frustration. This is not a voluntary or equal exchange, you felt coerced and lost a lot of value and she gained very little in return compared to doing it on your schedule. These kinds of trades will definitely lead to feeling taken advantage of and lingering resentment. You may not want to discuss this in terms of value exchange, but you can try to explain that you have a hard time saying no when she asks for help and sometimes can feel taken advantage of. By focusing on how her behavior can trigger your own issues, it's possible you can avoid hurting her feelings too much and triggering defensive behavior.

When it comes to your gas money example, that is trickier to "resolve" and you probably don't need to address it directly. When friends have different levels of financial resources, small inequalities like this can be common and not necessarily problematic. Are you resentful that you gave her $10 that you needed for something important, or is $10 a sum you can easily spare and you're resentful because it reminds you of the larger pattern of imbalance? It's possible that $10 is more valuable to her than it is to you, and if you resolved your larger inequality issues with the friendship it probably wouldn't bother you nearly as much. Good luck, you have options here and it's definitely a problem that can actually be addressed!
posted by JZig at 11:27 PM on November 1, 2020 [2 favorites]


If she's giving you a lift somewhere then $10 for gas doesn't seem ridiculous. I appreciate your trying to give a specific one from recent memory and there is a history and trigger and inappropriateness in the timing but it doesn't sound from here to be a good example. Gas money isn't for the detour, it should reflect what is worth to you. My friend who lives next door isn't entitled to free trips anywhere I'm going just because it's not out of my way to pick them up.

That said, as an ex computer guy I really understand your irritation at being called upon to fix things, especially if they're drawn out and unrecognised. The best solution is delay, as described above. Tell them you're busy until next week but will come over on x day and have a look and they can make dinner. If it's urgent they can pay someone else (or scrounge from someone else). Many problems go away like this.

The second and harder option is to feign lack of knowledge. If you're specialising in some other field you can always tell them you're no longer as competent as you were in whatever they want fixed. Ever since Windows 7 I've told this kind of person I'm not familiar with that version... This allows you to get off the hook more completely for the future and protects the friendship, but might come at a cost to your ego 😀
posted by tillsbury at 2:25 AM on November 2, 2020 [5 favorites]


Computer help: I found myself in the position of your friend :(
I don't like to be in that position.

When I am asking a question, it is a question, it is not an order for you to start working.

And I know that I have no idea how long the comp. help might take or how difficult it would be.
From my previous experience I know that sometimes my super huge difficult problem will be solved in 2 seconds; or it might take many hours of your work.
Unless it is an actual emergency, and you want to help as for any other kind of emergency situation, there is no need to do anything right at the moment, please.
Please tell instead if and when you might help?

So, I think that you might answer to your friend in 2 steps:

Step 1: would you try to help me, or maybe you can't; if you can – when would be a convenient time for this? also, is there something that i can do for you in exchange? (You can have a set of standard answers here; no need to invent them every time)

Step 2: comp. fixing itself, at some mutually convenient time, according to decisions from step 1.

"...I wasn't accepted at the college socially, and felt lonely. Darlene was the only one who was nice to me, which made me feel comfortable with her. "

I noticed that some men use their computer skills in order to get attention from women.
posted by Oli D. at 7:02 AM on November 2, 2020


Darlene's $10 request and her Thanksgiving help request seem of-a-kind. She sort of doesn't plan these things and then has an idea and just does it. Works for her but maybe it's hard for your friendship because you feel like you have to do the things on her schedule. As the designated "tech support" person in my circle (one of them, phew) I feel you. But I think it's worth picking these things apart a little.

- I agree with others the $10 thing seems within tolerances for me, especially if she has money issues. The last minute part could have been better, but chipping in for a pickup seems reasonable (esp if she is using Zipcar which is spendy)
- Agree with others 30 min for basic tech support otherwise you have rates (I seriously will charge people if they have a big project) or advice on where else she can go. I will sometimes help people with a script to talk with tech support, or hang out with them while they make the call but that's not as taxing as doing it myself
- Set her up for success. This is a friend thing to do and can take less time than "doing the thing" Set her up with some sheets of paper with circles and arrows and screenshots for the common things she needs help with that she asks you.

I think letting people know that now is kind of a stressful time is a thing people can relate to, even if they are also working through their own stressors. So "Hey I can't right now work has been busy and I want to spend non-work time not working" is a reasonable thing to say. If she turns it into a thing, that is on her. And I know this is hard because that feels like doubling-down ("What do you MEAN you can't help me, you got this system set up and now it's not working/....") but this is where boundaries are helpful "Yeah I know, bad timing but I just can't help this week"

The first thing is to not make her urgency your urgency, the second thing is to restate that you are a friend but that doesn't always mean free tech support, the third thing is to find some boundaries that don't mean you wind up feeling resentful.
posted by jessamyn at 8:44 AM on November 2, 2020 [3 favorites]


You can set boundaries however you want, but consider how unbalanced your friendship actually is. Men, in particular, tend to devalue the contributions that women make to relationships, and maybe that isn't happening here, but based on your description of your relationship, you should at least consider that it might be.

She drives you places apparently somewhat regularly, and in my experience, non-drivers wildly underestimate the pain in the ass it is to have another passenger along. Even if it's just a short detour -- and getting off the freeway, navigating to someone's building, waiting for them and getting back on the freeway is never as short a detour as the non-driver thinks it is. It also means you have to spend time ahead of the event coordinating with that person, you have to be on time, it means you can't cancel last minute if you're feeling poorly or just too poor to avoid an event without causing a hassle for someone else. It means you can't decide to run an errand along the way. It means you have to check in with someone else on when they want to go home which might be earlier or later than you would prefer and then take their feelings into account when you decide to go. She's done all this in the past without apparently asking you to chip in for the convenience you gain because she was willing to bring you along.

She invited you to her home for Thanksgiving Dinner which typically involves a huge commitment by the host to cleaning, cooking, and cleaning again, even if the guests bring a dish to share. Yes, she asked your for help after, at a time when you were probably feeling overfed and just wanted to chill and be social and that's frankly not awesome on her part but it doesn't negate the effort of the dinner.

Most people have a tendency to see the favours they ask of others as trifles, small things that shouldn't be a problem for the other person, while seeing impositions on their own time as bigger. Is any of that what is happening here?
posted by jacquilynne at 9:39 AM on November 2, 2020 [12 favorites]


The kind of big conversation where you "come clean" about your feelings is almost guaranteed to end badly. Think about from her point of view. This relationship has been going on in a more or less OK fashion when all of a sudden your friend tells you about everything you've been doing wrong, how much you hurt/upset your friend all the time and you should please not get defensive, immediately agree with the teller's version of events and change your behavior. Not likely, right?

A much better move is to figure out where YOU want to respond differently and then change what YOU do in those situations. It sounds like the tech support might be a big one for you. Instead of a big talk where you unload on how much of burden she has been, you just let her know that given that you do this for a living, you need to cut back on how much you can do after hours. That should be very brief - the big thing is figuring out how to politely AND CONSISTENTLY set and enforce your own boundaries in real time. Lots of scripts up above. The hard part is that she will still ask, and YOU need to do your own work around responding differently - you have to change and then she will adjust in response - much more likely to work than to expect her to do all the changing when the current system is working for her.
posted by metahawk at 11:42 AM on November 2, 2020 [4 favorites]


Again, I recognize some of the problems I'm having is due to my own hardship to communicate/stand up for myself effectively.

You can start to communicate better and stand up for yourself without having a big come to Jesus moment where you reveal that you've secretly been resenting that she has asked you for help for the last 15 years.

When you let annoyances build up over time and save up your grievances for later, the other person has no idea these things bother you. Personally if someone suddenly revealed that they had been upset with me for years I'd be paranoid about what I might say or do wrong in the future to upset them, and I'd stop doing whatever bothered them but since I'd clearly done a lot of things that greatly upset them without realizing it that they had kept secret from me, I'd figure I was likely to keep doing things that upset them and was probably already upsetting them in other ways that annoyed them that they hadn't mentioned. It would probably be too awkward for to me hang out with you in the future as I would be constantly monitoring myself wondering if I was upsetting you and trying to read into every little thing you stay to tell if you are upset.

Things you can say:
asking me to explain various services my retailer/corporation offers
"Hey, my job will actually pay me to answer these questions, can you contact me via way at day/hours?"

I helped her with some technology-related stuff, helping move her photos (90,000 of them...yes, no kidding)
"Here's a great article about how to do that thing"
"This is really beyond the bounds of what I can do for free even for a good friend, my rates are $X but I totally understand if you want to go to a cheaper place. I am good at it but I don't really like doing it so I charge more"

Last year, on Thanksgiving, she asked me to help her with her computer, after dinner, at her home, and it ended up being a very complicated problem that I couldn't really help her with in a quick manner, and it ended up kind of a mess.
"This will actually take several days, there won't be time to complete things now so let's plan for a different time", especially since it sounds like she lives close enough that it's not like over the holidays is the only option for doing this. If I'm visiting someone who decides to bring something like this up the day before I leave: "It's too bad you couldn't have mentioned this earlier, that's something which would take several days and there simply isn't time to do it now, plus there are parts that we would need to order. That's why I asked you to make a list in advance of things you would like me to help with while I'm here, next time let's talk about these things before I come so we will have time to get them done." (If you actually want to volunteer to do things as part of your gift to your host -- and you should have a gift for your host for thanksgiving dinner!)

She and I are Deaf. She feels comfortable reaching out to me probably because I can help her in ASL, which is a language she feels comfortable communicating in. Asking for help from hearing people is a challenge for her, because of writing and other communicative barriers.

I would focus your help to her on things that will allow her to help herself in the future. Install Google Live Transcribe on her phone and try using it with a hearing person. Teach her how to google things, if she has trouble physically typing to ask questions by email or on forums see if you can find her a keyboard that works with her physical or language limitations. See if your local government group that provides resources for the deaf can help here -- often they provide free devices and tech support, and they exist specifically to provide services for the deaf!

On the gas money -- it seems like this specific request was kind of unusual, I would not worry about it too much as during these times as many people are having money troubles, loosing jobs, not able to get on programs to help, etc. If you feel to much like it's "your problem" that you were asked for money, just say no but accept that you might have to provide your own transportation.
posted by yohko at 1:23 PM on November 2, 2020 [1 favorite]


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