Is it normal for a cat to be extremely passive when mishandled?
October 28, 2020 5:13 PM Subscribe
We recently adopted a 3.5 month old kitten from a local shelter. I have two kids, 5 and 1, that are still very excited about the cat but have yet to fully learn the proper way to handle him. Our 1-year old will often grab him by the tail to pull him out from under tables or we may find him running down the hall with the cat clutched under his arm. We're doing our best to supervise and teach proper handling, but as with most kids, things take some time to sink in.
The concern I have is that the kitten appears extremely passive. He neither complains nor does anything to protect himself even though he is handled in ways that would appear (at least to me) as dangerous. Having had multiple cats when I was little, I always remember them as creatures that are very much in tune with their environment and quick to respond to any signs of danger. This cat, however, appears a bit too complacent.
Could this be normal behavior? Any recommendations for ways to expedite the learning process for the kids (since the cat is not helping by defending itself which would have been a great natural consequence)?
The concern I have is that the kitten appears extremely passive. He neither complains nor does anything to protect himself even though he is handled in ways that would appear (at least to me) as dangerous. Having had multiple cats when I was little, I always remember them as creatures that are very much in tune with their environment and quick to respond to any signs of danger. This cat, however, appears a bit too complacent.
Could this be normal behavior? Any recommendations for ways to expedite the learning process for the kids (since the cat is not helping by defending itself which would have been a great natural consequence)?
He MAY just be a very easy-going cat, there are some cats out there who will allow kids to manhandle them and are totally relaxed about it. Not the norm, but it happens. Or it could be age — kittens play pretty rough with each other in ways that older cats will NOT tolerate. Pay attention to his body language to tell whether he's actually being tolerant or if he's stressed out. If his ears are back/down he's unhappy.
It would be good to get him his own space so he can retreat if he needs to. If you have an extra room you can block off from the kids (especially the 1 year old) with a baby gate that's perfect, so he can come and go whenever he needs privacy. Or a tall cat tree / shelves that the kids can't reach.
He will likely start asserting his boundaries as he becomes an adult. Watch out, as there may be a role reversal where he's the aggressor for a while as he tries to put the "other kittens" in their place. That's another good reason to establish better habits and relationships now, with everybody.
It's possible he'll be super chill as he gets older and enjoy getting manhandled, or it's possible he becomes one of those cats that spends his life hiding under the bed and biting anyone who gets near him. He's young enough that nothing is fully set in stone, so you have time to create a better life for him. Also yeah no unsupervised play until the kids are older and he's full grown. Kittens are very fragile, the most he'd do to them is bite but they could very easily kill him.
posted by 100kb at 6:32 PM on October 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
It would be good to get him his own space so he can retreat if he needs to. If you have an extra room you can block off from the kids (especially the 1 year old) with a baby gate that's perfect, so he can come and go whenever he needs privacy. Or a tall cat tree / shelves that the kids can't reach.
He will likely start asserting his boundaries as he becomes an adult. Watch out, as there may be a role reversal where he's the aggressor for a while as he tries to put the "other kittens" in their place. That's another good reason to establish better habits and relationships now, with everybody.
It's possible he'll be super chill as he gets older and enjoy getting manhandled, or it's possible he becomes one of those cats that spends his life hiding under the bed and biting anyone who gets near him. He's young enough that nothing is fully set in stone, so you have time to create a better life for him. Also yeah no unsupervised play until the kids are older and he's full grown. Kittens are very fragile, the most he'd do to them is bite but they could very easily kill him.
posted by 100kb at 6:32 PM on October 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
Yes, please do not let the children interact with the cat unsupervised until they can be trusted not to mistreat it. The cat doesn't know why it's being abused - it has no understanding that this is a child that doesn't know better. This is dangerous for both the child , but also... even if no one gets injured, it's still bad times for the cat.
I had one cat that was extremely passive about being mishandled. I could tell by her body language when she disliked something, but she loved being handled in the first place... The worst thing I ever had to do to her, from her perspective, was giving her pills, and even then she would just try very hard to wriggle away instead of lashing out. I don't think passivity is necessarily weird, as long as your kitten isn't showing any other signs of being lethargic, etc.
But if your cat is like this, I'd be even more concerned for it around the kids, since as you said it is not defending itself from mistreatment. It is very easy to accidentally injure or kill a kitten.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 6:32 PM on October 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
I had one cat that was extremely passive about being mishandled. I could tell by her body language when she disliked something, but she loved being handled in the first place... The worst thing I ever had to do to her, from her perspective, was giving her pills, and even then she would just try very hard to wriggle away instead of lashing out. I don't think passivity is necessarily weird, as long as your kitten isn't showing any other signs of being lethargic, etc.
But if your cat is like this, I'd be even more concerned for it around the kids, since as you said it is not defending itself from mistreatment. It is very easy to accidentally injure or kill a kitten.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 6:32 PM on October 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
Please make sure the cat has places to go to get away from your children, a cat tree that your kids can't also climb.
posted by shoesietart at 6:44 PM on October 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by shoesietart at 6:44 PM on October 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
As above, please don't leave your kids alone with the kitten, especially not a one year old.
Keep in mind also that bites and scratches from cats can very easily get infected and that the infection can be very dangerous.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:05 PM on October 28, 2020 [12 favorites]
Keep in mind also that bites and scratches from cats can very easily get infected and that the infection can be very dangerous.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:05 PM on October 28, 2020 [12 favorites]
I knew a cat that got very passive when aggressively handled by a child. The cat had learned that it could not escape and it stopped fighting. This was very unpleasant to see, especially because the child's parents had de facto given up on controlling their child around the cat - a few verbal rebukes but nothing to change the child's behavior or remove the cat. It was a nice little cat, very pleasant when it was away from the child.
You've let yourself get used to this whole situation but "running down the hall with the cat clutched under his arm" should never, never be happening. That is no way to treat a cat. Seriously, if you can't insure the cat's safety around the kids, then the kids are too young to live in a house with a cat and it needs to be found a new home.
posted by Frowner at 7:06 PM on October 28, 2020 [34 favorites]
You've let yourself get used to this whole situation but "running down the hall with the cat clutched under his arm" should never, never be happening. That is no way to treat a cat. Seriously, if you can't insure the cat's safety around the kids, then the kids are too young to live in a house with a cat and it needs to be found a new home.
posted by Frowner at 7:06 PM on October 28, 2020 [34 favorites]
Definitely have the cat checked out by a vet outside the shelter. To make sure it hasn't been hurt by the manhandling, if nothing else.
I think generally you're supposed to teach the kids how to handle the animal before the animal is there so tail-pulling horrors don't happen. Depending on the animal freaking out and defending itself is not a great strategy. Like, teaching them how to pet nicely by gently petting plants and flowers and feathers.
If taking the kitten back to the shelter is not an option (and honestly, in the situation you're describing it is seriously one I would consider, a kitten will generally be re-adopted quickly) then maybe give your kids something like "petting feathers"? Big feathers that they are allowed to use to gently pet the cat (or play with the kitty) and when they get the hang of gentle control of those then they're allowed to use their hands.
I echo the other commenters who recommend making sure the cat has somewhere high it can go to get away from the children. Clearly under the couch is not cutting it.
posted by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on October 28, 2020
I think generally you're supposed to teach the kids how to handle the animal before the animal is there so tail-pulling horrors don't happen. Depending on the animal freaking out and defending itself is not a great strategy. Like, teaching them how to pet nicely by gently petting plants and flowers and feathers.
If taking the kitten back to the shelter is not an option (and honestly, in the situation you're describing it is seriously one I would consider, a kitten will generally be re-adopted quickly) then maybe give your kids something like "petting feathers"? Big feathers that they are allowed to use to gently pet the cat (or play with the kitty) and when they get the hang of gentle control of those then they're allowed to use their hands.
I echo the other commenters who recommend making sure the cat has somewhere high it can go to get away from the children. Clearly under the couch is not cutting it.
posted by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on October 28, 2020
I agree with everyone else, supervise the kids. Even the most mellow kitty has a tolerance level, I fear for your little one’s eyes when this cat decides it’s had enough.
posted by Jubey at 7:17 PM on October 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 7:17 PM on October 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I know someone who had a rescue Ragdoll cat that was like this once when they were a kid. Their brother abused the cat, and it ran away after a while and never came back.
posted by aniola at 7:43 PM on October 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by aniola at 7:43 PM on October 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
The cat does not deserve to be handed to your children like it's a toy. Kids (especially a one year old!) Should only be able to play with the cat when an adult is there to supervise. If this is not possible you should not have a cat. Period.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:18 PM on October 28, 2020 [16 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:18 PM on October 28, 2020 [16 favorites]
This sounds traumatizing for the cat and potentially dangerous for your children.
I don't think I've ever said this before, but please take this kitten back to the shelter. Your household is not ready for a cat, especially a young cat. Wait a few years and teach your children how to play nicely with animals and then you can try again.
posted by ananci at 10:25 PM on October 28, 2020 [12 favorites]
I don't think I've ever said this before, but please take this kitten back to the shelter. Your household is not ready for a cat, especially a young cat. Wait a few years and teach your children how to play nicely with animals and then you can try again.
posted by ananci at 10:25 PM on October 28, 2020 [12 favorites]
The fact that this is a kitten worries me, and you should definitely listen to all the advice above.
However, I *did* want to add in one little data point that gives a slightly alternate viewpoint - please note, the cat in question was 1) an adult during this behavior, though she was raised with carefully supervised small children, and 2) could and would fully defend herself if and when she chose to, against people and animals. (She did NOT like carriers, and would make that very clear with claws... it took at least two, if not three, people to stuff her in one.)
We have had ONE cat that literally was perfectly happy to be carted around like a rag doll by my kids, especially my youngest two. My daughter at 2-3 would haul her around with her arms around the cat's "waist" or under her "armpits", and Dolly just went with it. She was the most mellow cat I've ever seen. So it IS possible... it's just not very likely.
I currently have an almost 2-yr-old granddaughter, and one of our adult cats (oddly, the scaredy-est-cat of all scaredy-cats, normally) has taken a liking to her. This cat, too, is perfectly capable of defending herself... and while she's been quite cautious in the past, this week, she's apparently decided granddaughter is her new best friend. She's getting head boops, being allowed to pet fur backward, and is apparently even allowed to pull on her tail and feet, as long as it's not TOO hard. It's bizarre, and I have no idea why the cat suddenly decided the toddler was ok. Even more odd, I'd almost swear that cat had a conversation with the other two cats, because even the grouchy cat who has done nothing but hiss at granddaughter for two years is suddenly allowing gentle pets.
It boils down to, cats are weird. But make sure you take care of the cats that aren't yet able to protect themselves.
posted by stormyteal at 10:44 PM on October 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
However, I *did* want to add in one little data point that gives a slightly alternate viewpoint - please note, the cat in question was 1) an adult during this behavior, though she was raised with carefully supervised small children, and 2) could and would fully defend herself if and when she chose to, against people and animals. (She did NOT like carriers, and would make that very clear with claws... it took at least two, if not three, people to stuff her in one.)
We have had ONE cat that literally was perfectly happy to be carted around like a rag doll by my kids, especially my youngest two. My daughter at 2-3 would haul her around with her arms around the cat's "waist" or under her "armpits", and Dolly just went with it. She was the most mellow cat I've ever seen. So it IS possible... it's just not very likely.
I currently have an almost 2-yr-old granddaughter, and one of our adult cats (oddly, the scaredy-est-cat of all scaredy-cats, normally) has taken a liking to her. This cat, too, is perfectly capable of defending herself... and while she's been quite cautious in the past, this week, she's apparently decided granddaughter is her new best friend. She's getting head boops, being allowed to pet fur backward, and is apparently even allowed to pull on her tail and feet, as long as it's not TOO hard. It's bizarre, and I have no idea why the cat suddenly decided the toddler was ok. Even more odd, I'd almost swear that cat had a conversation with the other two cats, because even the grouchy cat who has done nothing but hiss at granddaughter for two years is suddenly allowing gentle pets.
It boils down to, cats are weird. But make sure you take care of the cats that aren't yet able to protect themselves.
posted by stormyteal at 10:44 PM on October 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
A fair number of cats in my life have been ultra chill around children and babies. It varies of course but a lot of cats do seem to understand the difference between categories of human and allow for otherwise terrible behavior from juveniles of multiple species, with only a soft paw, slow chomp, or hiss for correction. That being said!!! None of these cats were ever kittens. Kittens don’t know how to behave themselves let alone tolerate misbehavior in others, they just learn everything super fast - like that going limp is probably the path of least resistance when being pulled or grabbed or otherwise hurt.
When raising kittens you do have to do a fairly large amount of deliberate bothering to get them used to people and the chaos of a human home. But the people doing the bothering should be older careful kids and adults (like 8+ years, depending on empathy and fine motor control.) I would strongly suggest that if you can’t keep the interactions between your kids and the kitten totally supervised that you rehome the kitten. An adult cat who knows how to say no and who can get to tall surfaces away from children would be a more considerate choice.
posted by Mizu at 2:56 AM on October 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
When raising kittens you do have to do a fairly large amount of deliberate bothering to get them used to people and the chaos of a human home. But the people doing the bothering should be older careful kids and adults (like 8+ years, depending on empathy and fine motor control.) I would strongly suggest that if you can’t keep the interactions between your kids and the kitten totally supervised that you rehome the kitten. An adult cat who knows how to say no and who can get to tall surfaces away from children would be a more considerate choice.
posted by Mizu at 2:56 AM on October 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
Please, please keep kitty safe from kids except when closely supervised. I’m anxious just reading this. The kitty may be passive because it’s been injured accidentally and is actually lethargic and terrified. If nothing else, think of how distressed you and the children would be if one of them accidentally killed the kitty.
posted by andraste at 4:12 AM on October 29, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by andraste at 4:12 AM on October 29, 2020 [6 favorites]
In my experience (shelter volunteer), cats who are good with small children exist, but are rare. It takes a particular mix of friendliness, calm, self-preservation, and claw control.
I'd get the kitten checked by a vet, for illness and injury. Also supervise kid-kitten interactions, and give the kitten real hiding spots (that protect it from children).
Also: make sure your children do not use their hands or feet as cat toys. It is tempting, for a kid - I did it. But adult cats who learn that are not safe around young children at all.
posted by mersen at 4:26 AM on October 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'd get the kitten checked by a vet, for illness and injury. Also supervise kid-kitten interactions, and give the kitten real hiding spots (that protect it from children).
Also: make sure your children do not use their hands or feet as cat toys. It is tempting, for a kid - I did it. But adult cats who learn that are not safe around young children at all.
posted by mersen at 4:26 AM on October 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
I agree with ananci. You should not have a kitten in your home at this time. Please rehome it.
posted by humbug at 6:02 AM on October 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by humbug at 6:02 AM on October 29, 2020 [4 favorites]
My experience of one year olds is that they aren't going to reliably learn proper kitten handling at that age, they just aren't capable of it. And I wouldn't consider the "natural consequence" of possible serious injury to either the kitten or a child acceptable or responsible (as either a parent or a pet owner).
If it isn't possible to reliably separate the children from the kitten in your home except when *closely and actively* supervised by an adult then I don't think your household is suitable for a kitten.
posted by *becca* at 6:18 AM on October 29, 2020 [7 favorites]
If it isn't possible to reliably separate the children from the kitten in your home except when *closely and actively* supervised by an adult then I don't think your household is suitable for a kitten.
posted by *becca* at 6:18 AM on October 29, 2020 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
To answer the question as asked, though, if the kitten otherwise seems healthy, this does not necessarily indicate that there's anything wrong with it. In my experience it's older grumpy cats who don't like to be mishandled. Non-feral kittens are usually pretty chill and love to be picked up, and when they are small and light, stuff being pulled by the tail doesn't hurt them as much as when they weigh more. As they get older they sometimes lose that attribute.
posted by phoenixy at 5:41 PM on October 28, 2020 [18 favorites]