Talking to a kid about getting catcalled, beforehand
September 20, 2020 1:18 PM Subscribe
Looking for resources to help prepare my tween daughter for the eventuality of getting catcalled.
When my partner was the age my daughter is approaching now -- around 10 or 11 -- she started getting lots of shitty, unwanted sexual comments on the street and at school, and it was a horrible surprise to her. She had had no heads-up from school or family that such a thing might happen, and we would like to prepare our daughter better.
Helpful parenting things we already have in place (things I am *not* looking for more help with in this Ask):
- daughter has a good foundation of body positivity
- a hands-off approach to clothes: as long as it's weather-appropriate and in our budget, she largely gets to pick what we buy and what she wears
- emphasis on speaking up and giving voice to feelings -- we have been teaching her these skills all along, and she excels at them
- wide range of age-appropriate resources on sex ed, puberty, speaking up, empowerment in various social situations. (Several of these books discuss how to deal with unwanted touching, or with bullying in a general way, but none bring up the specific issue of unwanted attention in public--cat-calling, street harassment, etc. This omission was surprising to me.)
- relative ease and openness in talking with our daughter about all the above
Things I *am* looking for:
Books, scripts, videos, articles, etc., that include the specific issue of unwanted sexualized comments / verbal street harassment. Either written for kids 9 to 12 years old, or written for parents to help discuss / support this. Preference for guides and nonfiction, although if you have found any YA fiction particularly useful on this topic, please mention it! (Like, we draw lessons and inspiration from Keladry of Mindelan all the time but here we are looking for something more specific and practical.)
Open to various topics and approaches -- what are good ways to respond to catcalling, short-term and long-term? Different behaviors for peers / older kids / grownups, and whether it's at school or it's strangers on the street? What are good approaches to dealing with the feelings that it might bring up? How to integrate this experience with all the other changing-body-plus-new-feelings stuff happening during puberty? Et cetera.
Possibly relevant: We live in the US, in a fairly dense urban area, and daughter is starting to go further afield on her own or with peers.
We have dug around a bit online and found a few things but not much. Certainly we'll be talking with her about our own experiences, but we're very interested in any resources that have been useful to you / your family! Thanks.
When my partner was the age my daughter is approaching now -- around 10 or 11 -- she started getting lots of shitty, unwanted sexual comments on the street and at school, and it was a horrible surprise to her. She had had no heads-up from school or family that such a thing might happen, and we would like to prepare our daughter better.
Helpful parenting things we already have in place (things I am *not* looking for more help with in this Ask):
- daughter has a good foundation of body positivity
- a hands-off approach to clothes: as long as it's weather-appropriate and in our budget, she largely gets to pick what we buy and what she wears
- emphasis on speaking up and giving voice to feelings -- we have been teaching her these skills all along, and she excels at them
- wide range of age-appropriate resources on sex ed, puberty, speaking up, empowerment in various social situations. (Several of these books discuss how to deal with unwanted touching, or with bullying in a general way, but none bring up the specific issue of unwanted attention in public--cat-calling, street harassment, etc. This omission was surprising to me.)
- relative ease and openness in talking with our daughter about all the above
Things I *am* looking for:
Books, scripts, videos, articles, etc., that include the specific issue of unwanted sexualized comments / verbal street harassment. Either written for kids 9 to 12 years old, or written for parents to help discuss / support this. Preference for guides and nonfiction, although if you have found any YA fiction particularly useful on this topic, please mention it! (Like, we draw lessons and inspiration from Keladry of Mindelan all the time but here we are looking for something more specific and practical.)
Open to various topics and approaches -- what are good ways to respond to catcalling, short-term and long-term? Different behaviors for peers / older kids / grownups, and whether it's at school or it's strangers on the street? What are good approaches to dealing with the feelings that it might bring up? How to integrate this experience with all the other changing-body-plus-new-feelings stuff happening during puberty? Et cetera.
Possibly relevant: We live in the US, in a fairly dense urban area, and daughter is starting to go further afield on her own or with peers.
We have dug around a bit online and found a few things but not much. Certainly we'll be talking with her about our own experiences, but we're very interested in any resources that have been useful to you / your family! Thanks.
I think a big thing to stress is that she should feel empowered to speak up... but also that it’s ok to stay silent if she’s scared of retaliation, doesn’t know what to say or is plain exhausted. The problem isn’t her in any way, shape or form and it’s important that, in all the advice and tools you may give her, she doesn’t feel guilty or responsible for not feeling super strong or ready in the moment to apply them.
I live in a country where catcalling is super common and annoying af. It has nothing to do with what I’m wearing and everything to do with where I’m walking and if the men feel entitled to speak up in that moment. There is sometimes a language barrier and sometimes I don’t even know what the men are saying, just that they’re being rude. I’ll flick people off or cross the street... or simply ignore them because what they’re looking for most is a reaction and acknowledgement and a negative reaction is often better than no reaction for them.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:41 PM on September 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
I live in a country where catcalling is super common and annoying af. It has nothing to do with what I’m wearing and everything to do with where I’m walking and if the men feel entitled to speak up in that moment. There is sometimes a language barrier and sometimes I don’t even know what the men are saying, just that they’re being rude. I’ll flick people off or cross the street... or simply ignore them because what they’re looking for most is a reaction and acknowledgement and a negative reaction is often better than no reaction for them.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:41 PM on September 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
I am so glad you are going to have this conversation. I had a similar experience to your partner. I was young enough to think that I had to be polite and accept the catcalling, and I often felt like I was overreacting to be scared. I think the advice above is spot on: make it clear that whatever response happens, that it is ok to just get the hell out of there and she is under no obligation to give any strangers her time.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:58 PM on September 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by pazazygeek at 8:58 PM on September 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
I am a big fan of Hollaback! Here is a link to their trainings.
"Hollaback! operates as a perpetual affront to harassment — in all its forms. We started in 2005 working to end gender-based harassment in public space, also known as street harassment. In 2015, we expanded our mission to work on harassment across all spaces — including online, the workplace, transportation, protests, the polling booth, and all identities — including women, LGBTQ+ folks, Black folks, Indigenous folks, people of color, religious minorities, people with disabilities, immigrants, and all others who are treated as “less than” just for being who they are. We seek to uproot hate and harassment whether is perpetuated by individuals, institutions, and the messy areas in between in issues like voter suppression, police brutality, and ICE raids."
posted by acridrabbit at 8:59 PM on September 20, 2020
"Hollaback! operates as a perpetual affront to harassment — in all its forms. We started in 2005 working to end gender-based harassment in public space, also known as street harassment. In 2015, we expanded our mission to work on harassment across all spaces — including online, the workplace, transportation, protests, the polling booth, and all identities — including women, LGBTQ+ folks, Black folks, Indigenous folks, people of color, religious minorities, people with disabilities, immigrants, and all others who are treated as “less than” just for being who they are. We seek to uproot hate and harassment whether is perpetuated by individuals, institutions, and the messy areas in between in issues like voter suppression, police brutality, and ICE raids."
posted by acridrabbit at 8:59 PM on September 20, 2020
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Girl Scouts: Sexual Harassment, Catcalling; here are 6 things you can (and really should) do to help protect your daughter and fight back against these sexist behaviors
StreetHarassment.org: Toolkit with teachers speaking to students, which you might co-opt, or recommend to your daughter's school as part of a community-wide effort. (This site has lots of resources, but you'll need to gauge age-appropriateness of advice & ongoing projects.)
One in Ten Girls Is Catcalled Before Age 11: Tips on How Parents Can Protect and Empower Their Daughters (a bit on the Scouts, plus book recs like Gavin de Becker's "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)" & links to safety-related resources)
TeenSource.org: So what should you do if you get catcalled, followed or inappropriately touched in public?
As a world-wide issue: Ways Global Girls are Tackling Street Harassment
Almost a decade-old book Hey, Shorty: A Guide to Combating Sexual Harassment and Violence in Schools and on the Streets & short youth documentary (trailer)
Helping Girls Deal With Unwanted Sexual Attention Parents can help by talking openly about street harassment and working together with girls to come up with a plan for how they’ll react if it happens. Some ideas could include...
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:03 PM on September 20, 2020 [16 favorites]