Help needed finding sobriety support group with live remote meetings
September 19, 2020 11:39 AM Subscribe
My spouse needs a new sobriety support group that has been holding live online meetings but doesn't know how to get connected to one or to one where he'll fit. If you have ideas, pointers to the magic directory to search, or specific recs on a potential fit, we'd be so grateful. Snowflake details inside. And please feel free to memail me if you have suggestions you don't want to share in the thread.
Spouse (50M) has been sober for over 2.5 years now and credits much of that to the structure and support of attending AA meetings most weekdays. When COVID-19 hit, many members of his group from the local club took to daily Zoom meetings, which has been great for him until recently. Unfortunately, we're in a politically red-purple area, and between the stress and polarization and heat of the upcoming election, a bit of local infighting, and the fact that the group can't or won't stop people from going on horrific toxic rants, the space that was supportive for his sobriety is becoming a trigger.
His basic needs:
1. a group that holds "live" meetings on zoom or a similar platform that allow the equivalent of F2F sharing and connection. We're in US eastern TZ, but he's very flexible about times during the day for a meeting.
2. We're operating on the idea that remote will be the standard well into 2020. If it's another in-person group that turned virtual for the pandemic, he would hope that they're not planning to dissolve online meetings anytime very soon.
3. A group that follows a strong meeting structure focused on sharing, self-reflection, emotional support for others, and kindness. The AA context works fine for him because he knows what to expect and the meetings keep some focus. When he tried out a local SMART group a while back, it felt too much like a free-for-all with too much talk about why they weren't in AA and not enough real doing the work. In other words, it doesn't have to be AA, but he knows AA and wants something that respects the value of structure and a bit of ritualized interaction.
Absolutely does not want (here's where it gets trickier):
1. He isn't on social media and doesn't want anything text-based or asynchronous for group support.
2. Any group where politics seeps (or roars) into conversational focus on a routine basis. It's fair to say that the 2016 election was a huge trigger for him, and he's maintained a fairly strict media diet to support his mental health since going sober. While being present in a diverse group with compatible liberal/progressive/feminist/antiracist people would feel safer as a support community, he's there for the sobriety and wants to be in a group where others are, too. In other words, "I'm freaking out about the election and I'm trying to manage my mind so I don't find a drink" is absolutely reasonable. A group where everyone freaks out together and it becomes a megathread and loses the sobriety angle is not good. A group where conservative political rants are allowed is verboten.
Would be the dream:
1. A group that isn't too....Jesus-y?
2. Temperament-wise, he gets anxious when he's around a lot of other men and especially older men. And one of his biggest issues with his AA chapter is the gender separation... his only options for a sponsor were older men, and it just didn't work. On the flip side, we've joked that if the Crone Island sobriety group let him in, he'd be set.
Don't need: any extra commentary about the failings and pitfalls of step programs, etc. We know all that, he knows that structure works for him, and he's willing to overlook a lot of meh to take what works for him out of the experience.
Thanks MeFites!!
Spouse (50M) has been sober for over 2.5 years now and credits much of that to the structure and support of attending AA meetings most weekdays. When COVID-19 hit, many members of his group from the local club took to daily Zoom meetings, which has been great for him until recently. Unfortunately, we're in a politically red-purple area, and between the stress and polarization and heat of the upcoming election, a bit of local infighting, and the fact that the group can't or won't stop people from going on horrific toxic rants, the space that was supportive for his sobriety is becoming a trigger.
His basic needs:
1. a group that holds "live" meetings on zoom or a similar platform that allow the equivalent of F2F sharing and connection. We're in US eastern TZ, but he's very flexible about times during the day for a meeting.
2. We're operating on the idea that remote will be the standard well into 2020. If it's another in-person group that turned virtual for the pandemic, he would hope that they're not planning to dissolve online meetings anytime very soon.
3. A group that follows a strong meeting structure focused on sharing, self-reflection, emotional support for others, and kindness. The AA context works fine for him because he knows what to expect and the meetings keep some focus. When he tried out a local SMART group a while back, it felt too much like a free-for-all with too much talk about why they weren't in AA and not enough real doing the work. In other words, it doesn't have to be AA, but he knows AA and wants something that respects the value of structure and a bit of ritualized interaction.
Absolutely does not want (here's where it gets trickier):
1. He isn't on social media and doesn't want anything text-based or asynchronous for group support.
2. Any group where politics seeps (or roars) into conversational focus on a routine basis. It's fair to say that the 2016 election was a huge trigger for him, and he's maintained a fairly strict media diet to support his mental health since going sober. While being present in a diverse group with compatible liberal/progressive/feminist/antiracist people would feel safer as a support community, he's there for the sobriety and wants to be in a group where others are, too. In other words, "I'm freaking out about the election and I'm trying to manage my mind so I don't find a drink" is absolutely reasonable. A group where everyone freaks out together and it becomes a megathread and loses the sobriety angle is not good. A group where conservative political rants are allowed is verboten.
Would be the dream:
1. A group that isn't too....Jesus-y?
2. Temperament-wise, he gets anxious when he's around a lot of other men and especially older men. And one of his biggest issues with his AA chapter is the gender separation... his only options for a sponsor were older men, and it just didn't work. On the flip side, we've joked that if the Crone Island sobriety group let him in, he'd be set.
Don't need: any extra commentary about the failings and pitfalls of step programs, etc. We know all that, he knows that structure works for him, and he's willing to overlook a lot of meh to take what works for him out of the experience.
Thanks MeFites!!
Asking Reddit /r/stopdrinking should yield good recommendations. That place is very good at guiding people per their own preferences.
posted by zeikka at 1:12 PM on September 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by zeikka at 1:12 PM on September 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I work in a residential program, and we have been using In The Rooms in place of outside meetings. There are a wide variety of meetings going on at all hours of the day and night. The individual meetings can be a little hit-and-miss, but we haven't experienced anything truly weird or objectionable. Most of them follow the AA/NA structure, but not all.
posted by SamanthaK at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by SamanthaK at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
Best answer: AA Home Group is a live AA Zoom meeting that runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and depending on the timeframe, has a lot of folks from Europe and/or Oceania on top of North America. The meetings are in English. Because of the international nature of the group, it doesn't veer off topic very often, and no politics at all.
I'm newly sober, and I attend this meeting whenever I want an AA meeting.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:46 PM on September 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
I'm newly sober, and I attend this meeting whenever I want an AA meeting.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:46 PM on September 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
I personally get the most out of Refuge Recovery, as I am Buddhist. Refuge Recovery is a recovery program heavily based off of Buddhist principles, but you don't have to be Buddhist to participate.
However, I go to the AA Home Group whenever I need a meeting right away, and I don't feel like I can wait for the next RR online meeting.
Feel free to PM me if you need more resources or help with this.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:50 PM on September 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
However, I go to the AA Home Group whenever I need a meeting right away, and I don't feel like I can wait for the next RR online meeting.
Feel free to PM me if you need more resources or help with this.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:50 PM on September 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The international Secular Recovery Group hosts several high quality, well-moderated Zoom meetings a week. You can espouse any belief, or non-belief, to attend, but extensive god talk is discouraged.
I attend a few traditional AA meetings currently being hosted on Zoom... feel free to PM me for info.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 3:11 PM on September 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
I attend a few traditional AA meetings currently being hosted on Zoom... feel free to PM me for info.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 3:11 PM on September 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone for the resources so far!! He's digging into all of these and I'll come back and mark best answers tomorrow (though to be honest they all sound very helpful!) We are thrilled to know there are so many options so easily at hand and that this doesn't need to be a difficult quest.
posted by shelbaroo at 5:53 PM on September 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by shelbaroo at 5:53 PM on September 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Chicago Area Zoom meetings are listed here.
The ones I go to are pretty strictly moderated so there's no wild rantings, and the meetings are pretty AA/recovery focused. If he wants a list of the ones I attend, send me memail and I can give you that list. The ones I attend regularly are pretty sober.
posted by indianbadger1 at 10:59 AM on September 21, 2020
The ones I go to are pretty strictly moderated so there's no wild rantings, and the meetings are pretty AA/recovery focused. If he wants a list of the ones I attend, send me memail and I can give you that list. The ones I attend regularly are pretty sober.
posted by indianbadger1 at 10:59 AM on September 21, 2020
Refuge Recovery offers online meetings.
Recovery Dharma has online meetings.
SMART Reovery also has online meetings.
I am familiar with all three. No political talk, not Jesus-based. Good luck to him. This is a very difficult time for people navigating recovery.
posted by zerobyproxy at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
Recovery Dharma has online meetings.
SMART Reovery also has online meetings.
I am familiar with all three. No political talk, not Jesus-based. Good luck to him. This is a very difficult time for people navigating recovery.
posted by zerobyproxy at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by PinkMoose at 11:55 AM on September 19, 2020 [2 favorites]