Help me become a less reluctant dog owner
August 21, 2020 3:34 PM   Subscribe

My partner really, really wants to get a dog. They say it's vital for their emotional well-being. I trust their judgement and want to be as supportive as I can be. But I don't like dogs, and I don't know how to be around them. How do I prepare for this adjustment? What can I do to maximize the odds that I will have a positive experience with this change in my life? As a bonus, could you recommend anything to read about people who didn't like dogs but grew to like them?

The dog question has already been decided. If it's crucial for my partner to have a dog and somewhat annoying and unpleasant for me to have one, then I'd rather have this than make my partner miserable. But I'm hoping that I'm not making a huge mistake. We agreed on a few criteria: it will be a small dog, not aggressive or overly energetic, not a puppy, not particularly prone to barking. This is all helpful, but I am still far from excited to meet the potential dog tomorrow. I'm looking mostly for advice and suggestions. First, broadly: how to approach this situation, how to frame this change as something to look forward to? Why is having a dog a good and desirable thing to you? Have you come around to liking dogs? And second, more practically: how to prepare for having a dog? My partner has experience with dogs. I don't. What kinds of adjustments to my lifestyle should I expect? Obviously, we'll need to walk, feed, and groom it. Is this the end of sleeping past dawn? Of eating in peace? Am I going to have to tolerate being covered in pet hair from now on?
posted by a certain Sysoi Pafnut'evich to Pets & Animals (53 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I probably wouldn't have gotten a dog, but my husband had a dog when I met him, so now I have a dog! And you know what? He's great, because dogs are pretty swell. They're fun and loyal and comforting and sweet and I think you'll really come around. My dad has been a very reluctant pet owner my whole life but my mom LOVES pets, and every single time you'd never know my dad had said no initially.

I don't think you need experience with dogs. Honestly you can kind of ignore the dog for the first while he's around if you don't know what to do - I'm sure your partner isn't expecting you to take the lead at all since you don't have experience. Dogs don't feel snubbed if you're ignoring them when you don't know them, and then you can watch your partner and kind of let the dog lead your interactions if you like! Dogs want to like you and you will like them! When they're around you you'll probably just naturally want to interact with them - this "humans and our silly house wolves" relationship is long!

We have a big backyard and our small dog is naturally a zoomer, so no insane walks are really necessary in my house, we do walks more for pleasure than need for exercise. The dog will VERY occasionally need to go out in the night, but generally sleeps the same hours as us, and in fact he continues to snooze for about 15 more minutes after I'm up most days. As long as you're not particularly annoyed by begging, eating is always fine :)

Yes, you'll be covered in pet hair from now on. (sorry!)
posted by euphoria066 at 3:50 PM on August 21, 2020 [9 favorites]


I reccomend getting involved in training, if possible/necessary. Even if your new pup has good manners, learning new skills is great way for you to bond. Your dog is going to really want to please their humans! So no, this is not the end of peaceful mealtimes, because begging is NEVER going to work, right?
And you don't need to like dogS, but I'd put money on one dog worming it's way into your heart. Because *your* dog is special!
posted by kate4914 at 3:52 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


Perhaps this would be a bit easier if we could establish why you foresee this being unpleasant for you. What don't you like about dogs?

In my experience, they're friendly, mostly undemanding (wanting someone to be close to) and they will become attached to you as one of their in-crowd and be pleased to see you. They don't demand a lot in return, and less still if you give them some basic training. I'm not sure I'm really nailing the explanation here, but I'm sold on the underlying point, personally; I like dogs and miss not living with one.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 3:53 PM on August 21, 2020 [4 favorites]


I don't like dogs in general, but specific dog personalities have managed to charm me. If it were me, I would want be the one to choose the dog or at least veto partner's choice if I wasn't feeling it.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:57 PM on August 21, 2020 [17 favorites]


We have a dog. We love him lots. We eat in peace every night - he lays on the floor under our feet. Other people compliment us on "how well-behaved he is", which really just means we make him sit for everything (leash, going outside, food, etc) and don't let him on the furniture. The floor usually has fur on it, but we also have 2 cats.

The best part is how excited the dog is to see us. I stay home most days, and we don't specifically interact the whole entire day, but we hang out, and the dog likes that. And then if I come home after leaving the house, or when my husband comes home, ohmygoodnessit'ssoexcitingmypersonishere!!!!!!!! And I like that.

I also like how excited the dog is just for Today. Every day. It's like Christmas to a little kid, but "It's Today!" every morning.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 4:07 PM on August 21, 2020 [10 favorites]


Gretchen Rubin, podcaster and author, had a similar dilemma a few years ago. Her family desperately wanted a dog, but she was not at all sure she would enjoy a dog. On her podcast, she she discusses her internal debate, their decision, and how she feels after the decision.
posted by Barnifer at 4:08 PM on August 21, 2020 [7 favorites]


It's okay for this dog to be your partner's dog, at least for now. Your partner will need to walk, feed, and groom it, get up when it wants something, take on the primary training. As long as you're not mean to the dog, and are willing to handle basic dog tasks when they are urgent and your partner cannot attend, you can take your time to settle into cohabitation with your partner's dog.

There's going to be something annoying about this dog, they mostly don't come perfect, but your partner owes you and the dog a good training relationship so there's as little begging*, barking, anxiety behaviors, whatever. If there's a problem, get a trainer in early rather than late - they're often very affordable and you only need an hour of their time in most cases.

We don't actually spend that much time actively engaged with our dogs. They hang out in our offices during the day sometimes, but also go to other rooms for naps. We tend to sit out on the patio in the evenings and they patrol the yard every so often and then lay down on their beds, maybe occasionally get up on the couch with us for a bit. They have their own beds in our room. One of them will jump up ready to go out when I get out of bed in the morning, the other gets in my spot and sleeps another hour. And then we have brief playtimes, neither of them is a traditional-play dog but they do both have games they like.

I think most dogs' purpose is to just be around. They want to make sure their people are nearby and okay, but do not generally want direct active engagement 18 hours a day.

Any new dog you go to look at, it's going to be hard to judge temperament because they will be excited by the new people, so you may have to rely on others' observational assessments. If you are annoyed by fur, I strongly recommend a shorthair, smooth-coated dog with no undercoat, but short/smooth is less common in small dogs, and you are already too pre-annoyed to ever easily get used to a medium or large dog, so you may have to trade off for a stiffer- or longer-haired small dog. The upside is that small dogs only have so much hair to shed, but if what you need is for your partner to take on extra vacuuming you should say that out loud.

I think you may end up surprised; dogs have more dignity than I suspect you're imagining from them, and they have character, and they are interesting to live with. And they are extraordinarily empathic, and you may find that your partner's dog truly is good for them in a way that is hard to understand on paper. (Also, since you don't really want the dog, don't be surprised if the dog turns out to adore you. Not probably in an annoying way, but just like "my person cares about this person so this must be the best person ever" giant heart eyes looking at you.)

*Honestly, we just never ever ever gave our dogs our food while we were eating, and they don't beg - they do know to cruise the kitchen after I've been in there cooking because I drop stuff, but only in the past year have I started spoiling one of my now-elderly dogs with bits as I eat, and that's because she doesn't really eat enough and also doesn't engage with us very much, so I've basically taught her to beg so I will notice if she stops.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:14 PM on August 21, 2020 [13 favorites]


I have never been a "dog person" -- I dislike barking, slobbering, shedding, all their unpredictable motion -- but during the time of my life when I lived with a family that had a dog, she quickly came to love me and I her. Really, the unconditional love was extraordinary to experience.

And she would greet me with that explosion of love every time I saw her later in life - she recognized me though sometimes years would have gone by, often with far more enthusiasm than certain humans.

That love is something else, it really is. And you won't have to "earn" it. It's wonderfully uncomplicated.

Give it some time and I think you will be very happily surprised.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:14 PM on August 21, 2020 [15 favorites]


Dogs, like people, come in lots of different shapes, sizes, and personalities. If you want a mellow dog, that doesn't bark a ton and isn't constantly demanding your attention, there is one out there for you! You should visit a bunch of different dogs and get to know some different breeds to find one you like. Some things to consider.

You may actually find that a larger dog is barks less and is more mellow than a small dog.
Dogs with hair rather than fur (think poodles or portuguese water dogs) will shed less, but may need more frequent haircuts/grooming sessions.
Working dogs will also probably be less apt to bark, they like being around other people and are far less territorial so again bark less.

Definitely be involved in the training. You will have a lot of impact on your dog's behavior; you get to set the tone.

Do some reading on breeds, get a rescue, and go visit with pups at your local shelter.
posted by brookeb at 4:15 PM on August 21, 2020 [7 favorites]


My sister used to be quite afraid of dogs. The man who is now her husband had a dog when they met. This was a particularly sweet and lovable dog and she fell in love with him so much that now that he has gone they have gotten another dog and she is crazy about the dog. Maybe find someone you know who has a particularly sweet and mellow dog that you could spend some time with to help you become more comfortable around dogs in general.
posted by supermedusa at 4:20 PM on August 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


Context: I'm a former dog owner, had a dog for 17 years, actively searching for a new dog to replace my beloved Chauncey dog.

First, broadly: how to approach this situation, how to frame this change as something to look forward to? Why is having a dog a good and desirable thing to you? Have you come around to liking dogs?

All I can say is that for me, I look forward to having a dog again as a loyal companion. Every time I come home, he will be delighted to see me and eager to show how much he loves me. He's a new member of the family, and will make the house a little bit more cheerful and lively by his presence.

That may not sound super exciting to you, but I think that's okay. If it were my partner, I would understand if they weren't actively excited, and I would appreciate it if they were supportive anyway.

And second, more practically: how to prepare for having a dog? My partner has experience with dogs. I don't. What kinds of adjustments to my lifestyle should I expect? Obviously, we'll need to walk, feed, and groom it. Is this the end of sleeping past dawn? Of eating in peace? Am I going to have to tolerate being covered in pet hair from now on?

Well, it's a damned sight less adjustment than having an additional human in the house, that's for sure. But it is a bit like having a new person in the house. Maybe they're a light sleeper, maybe they're anxious. Maybe they want to wake up early and be fed, or play. Maybe they're demanding, maybe they're easygoing. You'll get an idea of this when you meet your dog.

As mentioned above, some things you will not like: maybe barking, housetraining, jumping up on strangers, etc etc. Unlike people, you generally have to take the lead and have a plan to improve that behavior. Your partner and you will need to be solid partners to find harmony. In that, it's more like a child, but... much, much easier and less high stakes.

Some things, like "how much hair do they shed?", are less about personality, but they still vary. Ask someone with more experience and they will light on th for you.

As a general rule, though, dogs like to do what you're doing. Before I got a dog, I thought my new puppy would wake me up with licks every morning, just like in the movies. But no: my dog liked to go to bed with me, and liked to sleep in when I slept in, too. When he got older, I was the one who would have to go wake him up for breakfast!

Okay, now I'm getting sappy. I'll stop before I start sharing sad stories. But suffice to say that I loved him a lot, and I miss him, and that's really what owning a dog is like. That, and finding good dogsitters!
posted by billjings at 4:25 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


I haven't owned a dog, but this Washington Post article on a lady who DID NOT WANT A DOG caving in and getting a pandemic dog would be a good read for you.

I think to some degree it will also depend on the dog. Hopefully you get one with the right temperament for you and not one that drives you nuts. And that the dog doesn't become 100% Your Problem under the circumstances.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:35 PM on August 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


I came to say mostly what people have already said. My kid and I wanted a dog. My spouse relented, not because she was convinced she would enjoy the dog but because she wanted us to have that lifeline.

Reader, she is rolling around on the floor and talking gibberish to our dog right now. He's wearing a bandanna she made him. She is over the moon.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:43 PM on August 21, 2020 [19 favorites]


A wise older person once told me that what a dog really wants is a nine year old kid with a mom who likes to cook. This is good preparation information. Also, say, "Hey, puppy," every time you pass by. They like that.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 4:43 PM on August 21, 2020 [8 favorites]


To echo what some others have said, getting the right dog is important. I'd suggest negotiating that (1) you get to veto any particular dog without cause and (2) you agree never to accept a dog on the day you first meet them. Spend an hour with the dog, and a night thinking about it. There are dogs that are great around people who don't like dogs. And there are dogs that annoy even dog-people and would not be a good choice for you. (If your partner is anything like me, there may be a significant temptation to give a home to a dog in need, which is very likely to be one of the latter kind.)
posted by eotvos at 4:55 PM on August 21, 2020 [11 favorites]


My husband came with a dog. I love our dog. I do not love dogs in general, nor do I do love having a dog. But I love this dog.

I think it helped that I actually did get involved from day one with the feeding, walking, vet visits, etc. Because the dog and I were new to each other, we could kind of "grow" together (she was adopted by my husband and his former partner as a puppy but wasn't living with my husband when we met, so as an adult she needed to adjust to both a new person and a new city/home/environment and get re-acquainted with my husband. We decided together to retrieve her from the other household and bring her to our home).

Unfortunately my husband spoils her so she begs ... a lot. She is also getting older so she's having issues controlling her bathroom needs at night which is frustrating and sad. We also have a cat, so we've invested in lots of lint rollers and fur-catcher-devices but nonetheless the fur gets into our eyes, our hair, every soft surface of the house. She sleeps in the bed; she steals my pillow every night and snores into my ear.

I am not her preferred human (see: my husband spoils her) and she isn't my preferred pet (see: cat) but we have a good relationship and I have no regrets about her being a part of our family.

I would say affectionate feelings came early on, but feeling comfortable with being a caregiver took a bit longer, mostly because I'm an anxious introvert who finds that people (and their dogs) tend to flock to me when I'm walking my dog.

I really hope for the best outcome for you all. I do know one person who could never muster more than a kind of acceptance of the dog's presence, which eventually turned into resentment, although I blame the other human and certainly not the dog for that.
posted by sm1tten at 5:08 PM on August 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


You'll be able to sleep as long as you want and eat in peace as long as you don't accidentally train the dog to wake you up early or beg incessantly. A key thing to keep in mind is that you should never reward behavior you don't want. That sounds obvious, but it can be easier than you might think to fall into a pattern of doing things the dog wants because the dog is being annoying.

Having a new dog is going to be annoying at first, even if it's a dog who will ultimately be very easy to live with. Don't panic if it feels like your life is being upended during the first few weeks. There may be whining at night, accidents in the house, or chewing on things that should not be chewed. The dog may not want to get in the car or go up and down stairs or go into certain rooms or walk where you want it to walk outside. It may be hard to get it to pee or poop outside when you want it to. It may not walk nicely on a leash. It may freak out if it's left alone. But hopefully your partner will be the main one who has to deal with all that, and things will probably change pretty quickly. Life with the dog in the first days it's at your house will probably suck, but don't assume that's what your life will be like from then on. In a couple of weeks things will probably be much easier and in a couple of months it will be much, much easier. By the time the dog has been with you for a year you probably will all have settled into comfortable routines and all the trouble the dog caused at first will be a distant memory. You'll be able to ignore the dog most of the time if you want to, but hopefully you will have decided you like it.

My husband did not want to get a dog when the rest of us did. When that dog died unexpectedly a few years later, my husband was probably the most devastated of all of us and the most eager to get another dog.
posted by Redstart at 5:11 PM on August 21, 2020 [7 favorites]


Quoting Lyn Never: "It's okay for this dog to be your partner's dog, at least for now. Your partner will need to walk, feed, and groom it, get up when it wants something, take on the primary training. As long as you're not mean to the dog, and are willing to handle basic dog tasks when they are urgent and your partner cannot attend, you can take your time to settle into cohabitation with your partner's dog."

This is exactly me. I have never liked dogs, and we have had one for something like 8 years now, from when our children were little. I helped choose the dog at the shelter. Much like you the decision was clear - their happiness was more important that my inconvenience. There were a few things important to me - for example, to sleep without worrying that an animal was going to jump on me, so the dog doesn't sleep in our room. Compromises all around.

With occasional exceptions the dog is - to me - mostly like a collection of household jobs that aren't primarily mine. I don't normally unload the dishwasher, and I don't normally walk the dog - but when it's needed I do it. It doesn't bother me any more or less than anything else around the house. The dog lives a good life, and he and I cohabitate without issue - but we aren't especially close.

I still don't like dogs, and would not live with one by choice
and
It's been totally fine, and I would be happy to do it again.
posted by true at 5:18 PM on August 21, 2020 [12 favorites]


We have a dog and six years into it honestly I'm still pretty "eh" about the experience. I don't really want to get another ever, though that very thought makes my partner sad and we've agreed to set the discussion aside until it becomes actually relevant. What helps is outsourcing the grooming, having effective cleaning tools, and not tolerating any behavior I can't stand (pestering, excessive barking, charging out doors, pulling on walks). Ours is a sedate beast who generally doesn't care when exactly he's let out, walked, or fed, which is wonderful as far as dogs go. Do try for that sort. He also eliminates promptly when he is let out or walked which I gather can be an issue and sounds absolutely vexing, and he's not very picky about the weather except bad thunder. But even so, I don't adore him being in my life, and maybe you will be the same. It'll be okay though as long as the dog is well-trained: as someone who seems to have turned out to be Not a Dog Person, I'd say that not having to put up with obnoxious behavior or worry about your stuff being destroyed is crucial to the dog being a net neutral-to-positive aspect of your life.
posted by teremala at 5:18 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


Dogs can be great. I was never a dog person until I met my wife, who had two English Mastiffs and a Glen of Imaal terrier. Now we both show and breed Glens. They are great dogs and would be a good match for someone who doesn't know if they like dogs; they are not very terrier-like (not noisy or busy), they are smart but generally eager to please, they like activity but are not demanding and won't become neurotic if they don't have enough to do, and they don't shed (terriers don't, in general). The trouble is that they are very rare and there are just a handful of breeders in the US, so you can't get one any time soon, and in any case I don't want to come off like I'm trying to sell you a puppy (the last thing you want if you're not sure you like dogs is a puppy).

My point, which I am approaching asymptotically, is that now that I have some experience with dogs, there are breeds I would never want to own even though I am a dog lover. These include most small terriers (noisy and busy), herding dogs (they will herd you), and retrievers (lots of energy), and hounds (scent hounds especially; they tend to runnoft if they smell something interesting). If you are looking for a small dog that won't bug you, then hopefully you can settle on some sort of toy breed. Among all the breeds they are the ones bred solely to be companions (the idea was conspicuous consumption: for nobles to be able to say to the peasants, "Look, you peasant, I can afford to keep a dog that doesn't do anything useful at all"). Out of these breeds I really like Italian Greyhounds; they are sweet-natured, light on their feet, and good lap warmers. Stay away from small terriers as they tend to be noisy and too smart for their own good, even though they don't shed.

If you didn't want a toy then ironically the next thing I'd recommend is a giant breed. Big dogs are bred to be docile because if they weren't, it'd be hard to control them. My wife's mastiffs were very sweet. But you also get constant drool all over the place, and also, the bigger a dog is, generally the shorter its lifespan, which can be heartbreaking. A mastiff of 10 years is old; a terrier of 10 may have a third of its life ahead of it. Giant dogs also commonly suffer from joint problems and you'll want a vet who has a lot of experience with them. Of the mastiff breeds I really like the Cane Corso (which is not a giant breed like an English Mastiff, just very muscular) and of giants, the Irish Wolfhound. But, you probably don't want a big dog even though they are lovable, just because they physically dominate any room they're in and you can never do anything without considering where they are.

Best of luck... when we are trying to place adults we have bred, we often do "sleepovers" where the dog goes to stay with its prospective family for a night or a weekend, with no obligation to keep it. See if you can do something like that. If not, visit the dog as much as you can before you actually commit. Take it on walks, to the park, etc., not just meeting it in its current home.
posted by kindall at 5:20 PM on August 21, 2020 [5 favorites]


Regarding being covered in pet hair: tighter weave fabrics collect less hair. Wools, knits and fleece are more clingy. Pay attention to which of your clothes show hair, and your wardrobe will slowly change to emphasize other pieces.
posted by sdrawkcaSSAb at 5:23 PM on August 21, 2020


Oh yes, the hair. As I said, the dags we have don't shed, but we also have two cats, and they like to sleep on warm laundry. These work great.
posted by kindall at 5:27 PM on August 21, 2020


Hey, you're me from about 10 years ago. I did not want a dog, but my partner at the time really did. They got the dog and I made it very clear it was their dog. Walks, bills, etc were all to be their responsibility. At first they were very good about sticking to that agreement, but soon enough I was asked to split dog food and do the evening walk and so on. I really resented having to do the dog walks, but partner felt that I should have to do it because they got up early to walk the dog. The dog I did not want and was assured that partner would fully care for. Be very careful about entering any kind of understanding with your partner that this dog will be their responsibility. In my experience that did not work and it was very difficult to stand my ground on because despite the agreement my partner so dog as "our" dog.

FWIW I actually do like dogs, but I do not like the responsibility of dogs. I do not want to care for them. I do not want to pay for them. I do not want to clean up after them. I liked the dog my partner got. It was, honestly, the perfect dog. It never barked. It was well behaved. It didn't jump on people and was relatively calm indoors, but energetic and playful when it was outside. A good dog. I still did not enjoy caring for this dog.

Anyways, I am not with that partner anymore. We split up about four years after the dog. We did not split up because of the dog, but it did not hurt me to lose the dog. I am much happier without dog. I have no desire to ever dog again.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 5:27 PM on August 21, 2020 [10 favorites]


If you're ok with using Reddit, check out /r/dadswhodidnotwantpets and /r/Momswhodidnotwantpets, which are both chock full of pictures of former No Dogs Ever people doting on the dogs they thought they didn't want.
posted by stefanie at 5:35 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


Dog stuff, from a mostly cat person for comparison, massive generalizations:

- Routine. You'll have to work out a schedule, pretty stable, for putting food in the front end of the dog and then later letting it out the back end. With a cat, you mostly leave out a bowl of kibble and a tray of litter and they manage that themselves. This isn't the end of living on your own schedule, but you will now have 'oh no, we're two hours late coming home to walk them, I hope they didn't have to poop in the house' concerns.
- Hygiene. Cats are self-cleaning. Dogs will need a shampoo from time to time. If you're not used to dogs, at first you might find their fur (depending on breed) a little oily, wanting to wash your hands after you pet them or moosh their cute little faces because they're such a good girl. Cats will tear up stuff in your house with their claws; dogs will chew on stuff with their teeth.
- Attachment. A cat in your house will wander around and do its own thing and often ignore you. A dog will follow you around, wanting to know what we're doing next, boss? A dog actively wants to please you, to be doing the right thing. Which makes them devoted and train-able. They're also social pack animals, so they'll figure out a hierarchy / system of who to go to for attention, who to leave alone on their own.

People talk a lot at their dogs, but dogs don't really understand words. They understand signals. So you can say 'hey, stop right there, what have you got in your mouth' and it's all gibberish. But once you've trained them that holding up your right hand palm out and saying 'Freeze' means they are to sit down immediately and await further instructions, they'll be happy to obey every time.
Literally, you can seem them be pleased to be given an order they understand 'ooh! I know this one!' Work out 5 or 10 words/gestures with your partner, and use them consistently.
posted by bartleby at 5:36 PM on August 21, 2020 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you all for the answers so far. They're helpful and encouraging and make this seem a little less overwhelming. In response to one of the answers above, I'll clarify what it is I don't like about dogs.

There are basically two issues. First, I was attacked by one when I was little. It didn't injure me, but it knocked me off my feet, leapt on my chest, and scared me badly. I was terrified of dogs until adolescence or so. I still feel a kind of residual unease around them, in large part, I think, because I feel like I can't predict their behavior. They seem unknowable and unaccountable to me.

But there are also more routine matters. I value my peace and quiet, but I associate dogs with chaos--noises, messes, breaking things. Maybe I've just met a lot of poorly trained dogs (this wouldn't be surprising). Mostly, I anticipate this adding unwanted complexity to my life. Sure, my partner will be in charge of attending to its needs at first, but they're already overworked, and while they're thinking about the benefits of the dog, I'm thinking of the extra work (and expense) for both of us.
posted by a certain Sysoi Pafnut'evich at 5:36 PM on August 21, 2020 [4 favorites]


If unpredictability is your issue, good news - dogs are really incredibly predictable, it's just that it takes familiarity with dog body language for a human to recognize the signals and warnings they give. Doing some research through youtube videos may be helpful.
posted by waffleriot at 5:41 PM on August 21, 2020 [11 favorites]


This sounds very similar to my own experience. I witnessed my sister being attacked by a dog when we were little, and we were both terrified of them for decades afterwards. I’m also pretty germ-phobic, and dogs always seemed pretty gross to me.

Getting a dog was transformational for my partner’s treatment-resistant depression, and while I wasn’t super keen to own a dog, I was willing to give it a shot and take on most of the responsibility, mostly out of desperation if I’m honest.

We got a year-old ridgeback cross, a fairly big dog, when I thought a big dog would mean more mess and more chaos. In fact she’s the sweetest, calmest dog in our dog-friend group, the smaller ones all annoy the heck out of me now!

We’ve made so many neighbourhood friends from going to the park to play, and it’s a highlight of my day to take her for a run. She has never once woken me up to be fed or let outside, the pet hair is annoying but manageable (we brush her a LOT) and she brings so much joy to our lives. She had two expensive surgeries last year and I NEVER would have imagined I’d be willing to spend that kind of money on a pet, but when it happened it was a total no-brainer decision.

So: that’s just my experience, YMMV, but I’m pretty excited for you to potentially have this much fun, comfort and joy in your life. And even if you don’t click with this dog (or any dogs!), their presence in your house doesn’t have to be totally disruptive.
posted by third word on a random page at 5:48 PM on August 21, 2020 [5 favorites]


my partner will be in charge of attending to its needs at first, but they're already overworked, and while they're thinking about the benefits of the dog, I'm thinking of the extra work (and expense) for both of us.

Part of the trick for this will be having some firm boundaries with your partner about their responsibilities as part of you agreeing to this compromise. I think you'll be able to get a breed that is small enough that you can work on your fears -- those are legitimate and need to be honored as much as anything else. And your partner, overworked or not, will have to agree to do their part to help reign in the chaos with training, exercise, and managing some of the unavoidable things that may happen (hair in the house, things the dog might get into, noise).

There are definitely smaller dogs that are almost silent, and a lot of different kinds of dogs that are known for their characteristics as people have said above. Spend some time with your partner poking around with various Breed Selector types of things, maybe even see if you have friends with a really nice dog you could spend some time with. I'm unclear where tomorrow's potential dog is coming from but it should be okay for you to have veto power over a new household member, pet or otherwise.

I do agree that dogs, once you get to know them, and especially once you get to know a certain one, can be really predictable. And dogs can be a great way to meet people in a controlled and kinda "we already have things to talk about" way. Having a dog is a great way to get regular exercise, and it really can be nice to have something in your life that just kinda thinks you're the best. I wish you luck with this.
posted by jessamyn at 5:50 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


I could have written this question myself as I am in a nearly identical situation. I am not at all a dog person and when the dog gets here I probably will remain not a dog person. The approach that got me over the hump from my initial position of reluctant agreement is having been made a part of the process. I don't have to like "dogs." Life would probably be more pleasant if I like this dog, though, so let's go find one I get along with.

As a result of this line of thinking I recognized that I was engaging in a kind of prejudice that I wouldn't tolerate against a person. Why should I tolerate it against a prospective nonhuman family member, even in myself? I may continue to have many reservations about many dogs I encounter, but the thing that will make this work is that I want to meet and like an individual being.
posted by majick at 5:50 PM on August 21, 2020 [10 favorites]


On reading your clarification, you might want to recalibrate for a larger, not a smaller dog. There's a secret formula that all dogs have a similar amount of energy, divided by mass. So a Bernese that outweighs you will be rather sedate, wanting only to make sure you're pleased, and then to go have a lie-down and snooze. While a Jack Russell who fits in a grocery bag might be a restless little jerk who's always scheming to get a slice of pizza and won't leave you alone.
So if your fears are aggressiveness and fuss, you may be better off in the bass register, with a big dumb oaf who wants nothing more than to be your slow-moving submissive and to nap, than in the treble register with something you can lift with one hand, but is always scooting around the place looking for trouble.
posted by bartleby at 6:01 PM on August 21, 2020 [27 favorites]


You live however you want to live, as long as you can ensure a reasonably healthy standard of living for the dog. Every dog varies, but dogs are super adaptable too. They’ll change as they age. My advice: chill with the dog when you first get it. I had to work and my spouse did the initial few days with our guy and he totally loves her more!
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 6:24 PM on August 21, 2020


My recommendation for dog size (at least for a first dog, unless everyone in the house is 100% on board with being very involved In dog training) is to never get a dog so small that it is easier for any family member to pick the dog up than to get the dog to relocate itself. There are a ton of poorly trained small dogs in the world who would be better behaved if they were big enough that their humans actually had to deal with the consequences of them jumping, being underfoot, walking badly on a leash, etc. Most dogs are actually quite good at reading human cues, but it's easy to reward a small dog with attention for jumping up on people because it's cute, and then suddenly you have a dog that jumps all the time. A larger dog requires a bigger upfront investment in behavioral management, but it's also easier to build a good foundation for training because the nature of the interaction is so different. I have a 30lb dog that is right on the bubble of what I'd personally consider big enough for a first dog, but we still need to do more work on jumping because it's easier to ignore him jumping on us if we're not thinking about it.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:29 PM on August 21, 2020 [5 favorites]


We are almost a month into life with a newly adopted dog that we both wanted, and we had very similar criteria to you - not a puppy, low/medium energy, not too big, not aggressive. We found a dog that's a great fit - a middle-aged "couch potato" that loves to be around people, doesn't have an aggressive bone in her body, and spends most of her time snoozing. Every week has been easier than the last, but we've still had a bunch of things to work through.

- Rescue dogs take some time to settle into their new homes, and at first she was easily spooked but wanted to follow us around everywhere. Sometimes this was cute, sometimes it meant that if both of us shut a door on her, she started barking. The first week was hard because someone had to with her at all times to prevent her from barking, and we hadn't yet figured out a system for managing that. Now she's somewhat calmer when we disappear for a few minutes, but we're not at a point where we can leave her home alone.
- Our "couch potato" was a couch potato partly because she had picked up kennel cough, and once we treated it she went from having no interesting in walking to needing a couple of 10-15 minute walks every day to calm down at night. She's still a low energy dog, but be aware that untreated medical issues can alter a dog's personality somewhat.
- I had no idea what "pee pad trained" meant, and we've made very little progress to training her to pee outside like a "normal" dog. This probably doesn't apply (or maybe you'd even like a dog that you don't have to take outside!) but be aware that many accidents and stressful moments await at least your partner if you're trying to train an older dog that is not used to eliminating outside.
- For some types of training (teaching a dog to not jump on the bed or stay out of the kitchen, for instance), it helps if everyone in the family is on the same page about what is or isn't acceptable. Even if you don't want to be an active participant in training the dog, it will help you both a lot if you know what things are off limits and are in sync with your partner.
posted by A Blue Moon at 7:29 PM on August 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


This graphic on dog body language might be helpful.

In general, dogs are really driven by: food, play, and praise/pats. Not in that specific order and sometimes one resonates more with a particular dog than the others.

In general, dogs do not like: hugs from the front, being touched while deeply asleep, (occasionally) sharing food (although this last one is fixable).

Dogs are also typically receptive to being socialized. So for example if your new dog is scared of people with mustaches and barks a lot there are ways to mitigate this with the motivations listed above.

If your partner has owned and trained a dog before, that’s great! If not, take a training class together. It can be super helpful and will help bridge that human to canine communication gap.

Dogs are goofy and often cute. Most of our pictures of our dog are her doing something that makes her look like a weirdo or sleeping.
posted by donut_princess at 7:43 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


My boyfriend was kind of in your position before we adopted a dog in October. Now he's madly in love with the dog -- and *I'm* the one who's been struggling and stressed with the dog's behavioral issues.

Re: your two big issues. The discomfort around dogs will probably ease up quickly once you start spending time with one -- and certainly if you spend time watching other dogs, reading about dog behavior or working with a trainer. We needed to hire a trainer because of our difficult dog...but it really helped me, a dog person who was still not used to having a dog around, to feel less anxious and more confident. Now I feel like I can read the dog really really well. My boyfriend has learned too - we love to go to dog parks and watch their body language and play.

As for your second concern: yes, a new, first time(?) dog will almost certainly add more complexity and expenses to your life. It's possible you'll get lucky and get a problem free dog -- (and you can definitely look for a more mellow, laid back breed). Small dogs are not necessarily lower energy or less work. It's probably important to find a dog that best suits your lifestyle -- training and rehabilitating problem dogs really is a lot of work -- but you can also learn and get better.

One more example: my boyfriend's sister was also a reluctant dog owner (her husband wanted one, she didn't), and ended up doing most of the training for the dog because the husband was away a lot. I think she ended up resenting the dog a little...like she liked the dog but was still a reluctant owner?

As to what's good about having a dog -- I say this as a person who desperately wanted a dog and then realized that dogs were super stressful and then thought a lot about giving the dog away and still haven't -- a lot of the things I thought would be magical about having a dog didn't come true for me (my dog does not comfort me when stressed, we can't play outside, she's reactive to prey animals so walks are always a bit of a gamble), but the things I've liked the most is just like...watching her sleep in weird shapes, getting to know the little quirks of her personality, cuddling on the occasion she tolerates it, watching her tear apart toys or chew joyfully. Dogs are really good at being in the moment and that's really nice! Also, I ended up obsessively learning so much about dog training, behavior and psychology and it's actually quite interesting and fun! I think the big thing is to pick the right dog and then see what happens - you might end up really falling for your dog even if you previously haven't liked one.
posted by lightgray at 8:04 PM on August 21, 2020


I’m surprised by how many “your partner needs to do all of the dog chores” answers you’re getting. Dogs really take over your life (in what I think are delightful ways) and even someone who desperately wanted a dog is eventually going to resent a partner who refuses share caregiving duties.
My husband was like you in some ways. He was scared of dogs from a childhood incident and he is a very clean and tidy person who thought of dogs as being noisy and messy. He is ardently devoted to the dog now, and in part I think because he’s never taken a “ok, but it’s going to be 100% your problem” approach to decisions we make together.
posted by cakelite at 8:57 PM on August 21, 2020 [3 favorites]


One thing to mention:

If you're a first time owner, I'm not sure I'd recommend a rescue dog. Adopting a dog, sure, but prefer a younger dog.

Sure, younger dogs do have more energy. But that is solveable, particularly for a bigger dog: take them on walks or take them to the park, and they'll be super chill at home. What may be much harder to solve with an older dog is that rescue dogs can have behavioral problems. Once a behavior like territoriality or excessive barking is ingrained, it can be incredibly difficult to train out.

For the same reason, don't be afraid to say, "Hey, we don't think we can handle this puppy dog." It's okay, it doesn't make you bad people if it's not working out.
posted by billjings at 9:08 PM on August 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


I have a rat terrier mix who is the most perfect little dog. She was a rescue as a puppy found in the woods. Female, submissive to the humans by nature. Her survival method is the fawn response so she is super sweet all the time. Cuddly, not hyper, but will enjoy chasing after a tennis ball from time to time. Aims to please. Hates getting in trouble. Thrives on routine.

The other day I was attending a virtual therapy session and my dog climbed into my lap and stared at me because she sensed I was getting upset. She gave me a moment to be mindful and aware, and helped me feel less alone. Nobody trained her to do that. That's what having a relationship with a dog makes possible. It's an amazing relationship if you can open up to the right one.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:27 PM on August 21, 2020 [6 favorites]


The "overworked" thing and promising to " attend to its needs first" is a red flag for me.
What is partner like with other responsibilities and realistic planning? When they want something, do they tend to have realistic expectations or does wishful thinking get in the way?

Can they describe in detail what work a dog entails on a daily basis and what they'll do to manage it, or do they get handwavey and optimistic? Have you talked about unexpected things, like emergency vet visits, dog accidentally destroying the kitchen etc.? Even the best pet has its moments .

If you haven't already, have a conversation about every dog related unpleasantness or responsibility and have them talk through how to manage it despite not having enough time and being overworked.

Who cleans up the kitchen/ buys a new sofa if the dog destroys it? Who deals with solving the problem if the dog acquires some behaviourable problem, like barking at small kids? What happens if they have to work late and the dog needs a walk? What if they have to work late every day of the week?

That doesn't mean you can't help out or do a share of the work. But if they can't lead you through the thought process, if they don't have realistic expectations and plans, if they just assume it'll work out because they had a dog once, I can see this ending in resentment and an unfair load on you.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:46 PM on August 21, 2020 [16 favorites]


My sister lives with my mother, who feared and disliked dogs the whole time I was growing up (she was bitten by one as a child, and apparently the fear was cemented further when my sister and I were small kids in a stroller and she'd get very anxious whenever a dog approached us). My mother was also raised by a parent who believed dogs were stinky, dirty, gross animals that did not belong in the house and would not allow the other parent to keep one as a pet. My mother's fear and dislike of dogs was bad enough that for most of her adult life she refused to visit people's houses if they had a dog. When my dad died six years ago a lot of people told her to get a dog immediately, but she wasn't at all interested.

Two years ago my sister (who, like me, is a big fan of dogs) managed to persuade my mother to let her get a dog. They chose a breed (whippet) that's short-coated and doesn't shed a lot, and which wouldn't be too big for my mother to handle as she gets older (she'll be 70 when the dog is 10).

Two years on my mother has admitted that when my sister moves out, she'll probably get a dog of her own. She will happily put her hand in a dog's mouth (not just her own dog) and frequently picks up the dog's poop and wipes its butt if necessary. She finds other dogs cute and is interested in their behaviour. She is now basically a dog person, having gone from being one of the least dog-interested and most dog-fearful people I'd ever met.

Some of the things that were key, as others have mentioned, were being involved in the dog's training to build her understanding of dog behaviour (both the puppy classes they took him to initially and a current phase of work with a dog behaviourist to improve his reactivity to other dogs) and taking on a bunch of his regular care (she's retired and was his primary caretaker while my sister went to work pre-COVID). I think it's also helped that she's solidified friendships with her dog-owning friends (they now go on walks together) and she's also made new friends with people she's met while dog walking (seriously, my mother, the most anti-social anti-dog person I have ever met has made new dog-related friends). I think it's been an incredibly good experience for her overall and it's really nice to see her being more sociable and delighting in the dog's hilarious and adorable behaviour.

I had super low expectations for her when they announced they were going to do this, to the point that I thought it was a bad idea. I couldn't be happier with how it's worked out for all of them (my sister's mental health has also improved from having the dog). If my mother can make this kind of 180 on dog ownership, I believe pretty much anyone can.
posted by terretu at 3:11 AM on August 22, 2020 [8 favorites]


Yesterday after a long day of work meetings I took a blanket out into my backyard and sat and read in the shade for an hour. My dog sniffed around for about 20 minutes, one of his favorite solo activities, and then came over to sit with me. He just quietly sat on my blanket with me and watched me read for a good long time. It was really nice.
posted by phunniemee at 4:15 AM on August 22, 2020 [3 favorites]


I like animals in general but am more of a cat person than a dog person. As in, I have rarely met a cat I didn't like, but my opinion of dogs is quite contingent on the specific dog. Dog personalities can vary a lot, with some of that variation being related to breed, some due to training, and some due to just individual dog personality. Some more specific observations:

* Most dogs I've met are not very well trained. The dogs that are well trained are truly lovely, and would avoid most of the issues that you are worried about with a dog. Training is really key, but requires a lot of initial outlay of time, consistency, attention, and, if you know very little about the details of dog training (like me), some money for classes for both dog and humans. The consistency part, in particular, is really really crucial.

* I've never met a retriever type dog that wasn't smelly. Many dog people will tell you "oh, not if you bathe them regularly!" Dog people really like their retrievers. Retrievers are noted for that whole blind, unconditional loyalty and love feature. Personally, I find that to be kind of annoying. They also seem to tend to be very high energy. But back to the smelliness. You'd have to bathe a retriever twice a day to achieve the claimed results. In my experience, this is particularly true for golden retrievers, but also holds for labs, duck tollers, etc. - any dog that's bred for flushing out and bringing back birds or other game as a hunting companion. (High energy and smelling like swamp are advantages for that purpose, of course - it's not the dogs' fault )

* The dogs I've tended to like best are mutts, with a mix of some of the other sorts of working dog breeds and some smaller dog breed, so that they're on the small end of medium sized, smart, and trainable. Or dogs that are trained companion dogs - or, for your purposes, have a sibling or parent who works as a companion dog (for mobility assistance or mental health), or who have been most of the way through companion dog school but had to drop out.

* If you have a not-too-big dog, you can crate train them for night times. Keeping a dog in a crate for too much of the day is cruel, and also creates anxious, neurotic dogs. Also, once they are crate trained, don't lock them in the crate every night (i.e., the dog will go sleep in their crate by habit, but you don't have to close the door and trap them in the crate after the initial training period, and it would be kinder not to). But crate training seems to be helpful for when you need a base amount of uninterrupted sleep at night, or for the very occasional long day trip that you can't bring the dog along on.
posted by eviemath at 6:40 AM on August 22, 2020 [3 favorites]


I am a cat person. I like dogs, but generally in the same way that I like toddlers, which is I enjoy spending an hour or two but then I'm exhausted by their constant need for attention and want to give them back.

For me, the biggest thing would be having a dog-free zone to escape to when I don't have the energy for it. I would want to agree on a designated room that the dog is never, ever allowed in, so you have somewhere to retreat to.

One lifestyle difference I don't see mentioned, which may or may not be relevant to you, is travel. With my cats, travelling and holidays are so much harder now because I need to find care for them. I would discuss what you both imagine that looking like: board the dog at a kennels? Or do you know somebody who would look after it? Or only go places you can bring the dog with you?
posted by stillnocturnal at 8:57 AM on August 22, 2020 [6 favorites]


I would be most concerned about this line, "Sure, my partner will be in charge of attending to its needs at first, but they're already overworked, and while they're thinking about the benefits of the dog, I'm thinking of the extra work (and expense) for both of us."

At first? From a relationship perspective I would be a wee bit alarmed by this. Sure, when it's new, your partner will be all about doing everything for this dog. But sounds like you know how the general home caretaking responsibilities go and it's you that shoulders the burden. This hints of you knowing it will eventually be you feeding it, you taking it outside to crap, you doing all the necessary work of dog ownership and your partner just snuggling and playing with it.

Dogs are astoundingly malleable pack animals. Most will fit themselves into any living situation that accounts for their breed needs (ie some need to run a lot, some need to chase, some need to guard, some need to sit in a lap). In the presence of a strong Alpha owner, other members of their pack can live with them with nary a notice other than their hair and smell on every surface and maybe a third in the cuddle on movie night. This would be ideal for you and is perfectly doable should your partner both attend to the dog's needs in addition to it's wants and generally be a responsible dog owner.

I'm concerned your partner wants you to provide them with a cared for dog. After the initial fun times, dog will understand you do the work (feed, let outside, walk) and also will understand that you resent this which will result in feeding, pooping issues, and partner does fun (cozy, play) and will treat you as the servant you are. And all of this will be very bad for the relationship.

At this point arrival of dog is already settled, and may even be there now, but I would do one of two things now. This being your first dog, you might might be surprised, you could absolutely selfishly fall in love with it and embrace this new reality in ways you did not expect. But if that's not happening, continiously and relentlessly make sure your partner is the one shouldering the work part of dog ownership. They wanted this dog, make them own it. Otherwise, yeah, you're gonna be miserable if you're not in love with it.
posted by ixipkcams at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2020 [10 favorites]


Hm. I feel for you! I lived with dogs most of my life, and it was only once I didn’t, that I realized I don’t actually like them very much. I have a cat now, and I love how independent and clean and careful she is. And dogs are just .. messy and noisy and needy and a lot of endless repetitive work, in comparison. I hate it when they jump up, when they won’t stop barking or whining, when they lunge at people, ughhhhh.

But there’s hope! Some dogs are great! You are right to aim for a small dog, because they are less slobbery and destructive, and easier to control. Short-haired is better. Something like a dachshund might work. And yes, avoid all terriers because they are yappy and frenetic.

Someone upthread recommended that you try to bond with the dog early, maybe more than your partner. I’d recommend the opposite. You want the dog to bond with you, but I think it’s best if the primary bond is with your partner. You want your partner to be the person the dog goes to if it wants to be fed or taken outside, not you.

And like other posters here, I’m worried about your partner being overworked. I think it’d be easy for you to grow resentful if you end up being the primary caregiver. The dog will need to be fed and walked twice a day, and somebody will need to handle things like vet appointments and cleaning up after messes. I would try to reach an agreement with your partner that you will be the backup person if they are out of town or sick, but that they will ordinarily be the primary caregiver. I don’t think it would be fair for the two of you to take equal responsibility for a pet that they want, and you really don’t.

I think it’s kind of you to be willing to live with a dog because it will make your partner happy. Good luck.
posted by Susan PG at 10:36 AM on August 22, 2020 [3 favorites]


Air filter and robot vacuum to minimize dog hair and smell.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:51 AM on August 22, 2020


The breed of dog matters a lot for shedding, barking and smell, as well as personality. It's hard to choose breed if you want an adult since that mostly restricts you to rescues (for which any breed guess is likely to be incorrect if they're mixed breeds), but just something to keep in mind.

In particular you should think carefully about whether you want a dog with "hair" fur (like poodles, maltese etc) or regular fur (pugs, boston terrier, etc) - dogs with hair won't shed much if at all but they will need very regular brushing and bathing by you and grooming usually by a professional. Be wary of mixes between the two (like any kind of doodle) because they often have infamously difficult to groom coats that will both shed and need frequent grooming, so it's like the worst of both worlds (also be aware that if you go the breeder route, mixed-breed breeders will typically lie about this and claim they get the best of both breeds).

Your life will change a lot but how much depends on the dog. Some will let you sleep in, others won't. Some will be great on walks, others will take a ton of training to not pull like a truck or go nuts when they see another dog or even other people. Some will require lots of outdoor adventures to avoid behaviour problems while some are just fine on the couch most of the day... it really depends.

I would suggest making a list of the personality traits that are most important to you and bringing that to a foster-based rescue who will be able to tell you more about their dog's personality than a shelter can. Keep in mind that a small and perfectly behaved calm adult dog with low exercise needs is basically a unicorn in rescue in most areas, but take a good look for yourself at what's out there and try to meet at least a few dogs before committing if you can.
posted by randomnity at 1:19 PM on August 22, 2020


"Sure, my partner will be in charge of attending to its needs at first"

Please make sure you and your partner are really clear about who is going to be responsible for what when it comes to taking care of this dog. You can read many Ask MeFis where partners are upset and resentful that they are now doing the lion's share of caring for a pet they didn't want in the first place.

Dogs are social animals and need to socialize with other dogs and with the people they live with. If your partner is so overworked that they cannot spend time with the dog, cannot socialize with the dog, cannot walk the dog, and provide the dog with the stimulation they need to lead a happy dog life then this is not going to work out. Dogs who do not get the interaction, exercise and socializing they need become bored and destructive. They chew on things, pee on things, dig things, etc.

If neither you nor your partner can do these things, then you'll want to hire a dog walker to help out. Is that an expense you are both willing and able to take on?
posted by brookeb at 1:45 PM on August 22, 2020 [2 favorites]


A well-trained dog is a dog that's easy to get along with and one with happy owners.
posted by Dolley at 2:51 PM on August 22, 2020


You've received lots of great info above, including nearly everything this long-time dog owner might have added. One subject I don't see covered is doggy-proofing.

Until you and Doggo know and understand each other, you may save a lot of grief by taking a good look around your home for dog temptations. Remember, being wee beasties, they explore their world with their noses and their mouths. That means anything that smells particularly good -- or particularly bad -- is almost irresistible. So the pork chops you set on the kitchen table to defrost, yesterday's undies and socks that didn't quite make it into the hamper, the ham sandwich you set down for a second to grab a water bottle, the leather sandals you kicked off at the door and, of course, ALL the trash cans ... these types of delights will attract even the best good dogs.

Of course, good dogs would rather please you than not, so training will reduce the lure of the forbidden. But in the meantime, make sure the waste cans all have a tight lid, the dirty clothes are off the floor, and shoes are behind a closet door when not on feet. Provide chew toys that are more interesting than your belongings (mine love peanut butter stuffed Kongs) and if a dog might eat it, don't leave it where they could reach it, even for a second!

You'll quickly discover that coming home to a doggy greeting is one of the great joys of pet ownership. But nothing spoils it more for both of you than a quick howl of "What have you done?!?"
posted by peakcomm at 3:50 PM on August 22, 2020 [1 favorite]


Oh also, if you do get a puppy or fairly young dog, a good way to train them to have a “soft mouth” is to sort of allow them to play gnaw on your hand, but the second the intensity of the gnawing increases, make a high pitched YEOW!, give them the most traumatized and upset look as though they have committed murder, and walk away and don’t look at them/pretend to sulk silently for a minute. This simulates the way that young dogs learn when play bites get too hard for their peers and parents.
posted by donut_princess at 5:13 AM on August 23, 2020 [1 favorite]


I haven't read through to see if others have mentioned this, but a couple of days after reading your question, I came in to say that it's ok if you don't fall in love with the dog.

I have a friend who got a dog because their spouse and children desperately wanted a dog. They have had the dog for 3 years now and will admit that the dog is nice, sweet, and not more trouble than the average dog. Yet, they have no significant emotional attachment to the dog and are annoyed by the additional responsibility that goes along with owning a dog. My friend is a "normal" person who has formed deep, meaningful attachments with other people and animals, and likes dogs in a theoretical sense, but at this point in their life a dog as a family pet is more of a burden than a joy.

You may have an entirely different experience, and being open to new experiences is advice that I try to live by.

But it's not popular to say that you may not like having a dog. And if you do love the dog, that's great! And if you don't, that's inconvenient, but entirely understandable and common.
posted by defreckled at 8:35 PM on August 23, 2020 [2 favorites]


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